WTF Japan?!?: Monster Heaven- Ghost Hero

I finally got to this one and boy was it weird!  Long, long ago, I download this Film to watch...and then just didn't.  That ends today!  Monster Heaven- Ghost Hero is a 1990 Film that is so amazingly-Japanese that it almost hurts.  That Title alone is so 'Okay, this is Japanese then,' right?!?  I'm almost amazed that the Title hasn't been used for a JRPG by now- maybe it has.  This one is apparently pretty obscure in America, as IMDB only has a basic Cast Listing and the non-translated Title.  No Plot Summary or Details to be found, folks.  Do I have to do everything around here?!?  Before I get to that, let me tell you what the Film is about.  It features Ghosts, a magic statue, an Oni (a Japanese sort-of Demon) and some Yokai (Japanese Monsters that hide in plain sight).  The Plot involves a Tech Company and a Rock Band that shows up.  It's weird- in case you didn't pick it up yet.  To find out if this is an obscure gem or uncooked Fugu, read on...

In a Cold Open, this old man rolls into a Tech Company's Building and tells them that it is cursed!!!

One of the pet projects in the Company is this thing where Holograms fight each other by way of, well, Power Gloves.

Don't worry- Cancer will just cure itself, guys!

 

Our Hero- a hapless Corporate Lackey- is given a bunch of stuff that shows his family line and history.  They fought evil in the past and, well, this doesn't bode well for him if they are suddenly telling him this now!

Monster Heaven- by all accounts a fictitious Band- suddenly shows up and they sure are weird.

Their arrival at the time of all this can't be a coincidence.

The Statue in the Lobby is what is protecting the place from true evil.  It's safe as long as virgin blood doesn't touch it.

That night, the Boss tries to, well, rape a lady there and they both fall on it, the latter's blood sealing the statue's power.

The released Spirit first infects the CEO, but soon spreads to the Boss via a sword and he gains this bad-ass Oni form.  Murders ensue.

Naturally, they try to stop the creature.  As you may have guessed, the Band are actually Yokai and try to help them.

Try not to stare.

As things look bleak, the Programmer remembers his holo-girl and uses an upgrade to give her physical-esque form to battle the Oni!

 

It is ultimately defeated with the Stone and, well, I can't explain this last part well.  I'll just summarize...

A giant spirit/angel appears next to the building, grabs the Oni and eats it like Sushi.  The End.

Wow.  What a strange conflagration of ideas.  Tech Company + Yokai + Ghosts + Demons + Holographic Technology = Plot.  This is almost like the Mad Libs of Movies.  Do people still do those?  You know, instead of making that so-so, half-finished Version of Death Note, Netflix should have just redone this!  I don't know what other word describes this Film better than 'weird.'  Yokai show up at a Tech Company to battle an Oni.  A Hologram fights an Oni.  That Ending!  Instead of looking for a Thesaurus, I'll just say that the Film is fun and quirky.  When I finally committed to watching it, I had a good time, even if I couldn't always make sense of it.  It's the kind of thing that just is- no explanations needed.  It features all sorts of creative effects, from the mascot-esque look of that Raccoon Yokai to a guy being cut in half at a 70 degree angle to, well, that Ending.  It is a neat-looking Film, even without a more modern fidelity to make it look super-sharp.  It looks like it was made in 1990- for better or worse.  If you like this kind of insanity, it's a must-see.  If none of this made sense to you AND you didn't then want to see it, skip it.  Just don't look too deep into this guy's eyes...

Next time, I jump back to the 1980s to cover a Film recommended to me at work.  Is this just lower-budget Back to the Future or a forgotten gem?  Stay tuned...

Top 10 Worst Films of MY 2018!

These are the worst Films that I reviewed in 2018.  They could come out at any point.

All clear?  Great.

Honorary Mention: Alien Covenant, Day of the Warrior, Mama Dracula, Star Wars- The Last Jedi, A Talking Cat!?!, The Shadows, Voodoo Black Exorcist, Bread Crumbs, Terrifier, The Devil's Express, Superman IV: The Quest For Peace- and Tiptoes holy s--t!

Bonus: Who Killed Captain Alex? was the most inept, but made for like $4 by people in Uganda who don't know anything about Movies, so...I'll be nice(ish).

10. The Manipulator: An old man yelling at a woman for 90 minutes.  No thanks.

9. Lost River: Ryan Gosling should not Direct- at least if the Film is this bad.  The idea of it- a modern fable- is fine.  The problem is that it isn't interesting, doesn't give you likeable Characters and is just pointlessly-bleak.  Stick to Acting, please.

8. Return to Savage Beach: My last chance to make fun of Andy Sidaris Films. The last two- which I at least had help getting through- were bad. The final, final one is definitely the worst of the two, given that it can't agree whether or not to be a Sequel or a new Story. They throw in little nods to the original Savage Beach, but then also awkwardly-connect this to the last Film. It also has a Buff Bagwell Sex Scene in it, so...yeah, it makes the list.

7. The Snowman: A good Writer. A good Director. A good Cast. Everything goes wrong. From not filming enough footage to having a pretty haphazard Story to how they handled the whole issue with Val Kilmer, this one is a giant mess. It shouldn't have been!

6. The Book of Henry: What an ill-conceived mess. It is a weepy Drama that turns into the tale of a kid training his Mom how to commit the murder of their number! This is supposed to make them all sympathetic! It's just odd how this even got considered, written, approved, produced and released in 2017. Good luck with Episode IX though, Colin. Oh...that's right.

5. Dracula vs. Frankenstein (Both Versions): One is a tale of a Scientist under Dracula's sway.  Another is a tale of Aliens bringing Monsters back to life to conquer the Earth.  They are both silly.  They are both stupid.  I couldn't decide which one was worse (usually in a fun way), so they both made it in!

4. Transformers- The Last Knight: This is over 2 Hours long.  This is crap.  It killed the Franchise (hopefully for good).

It also manages to seem both too long and too complicated in THIS FRANCHISE!

3. Rhinoceros: This should be interesting and hilarious.  It is dull, stupid and forced.  It also suddenly gets preachy in the last 5 minutes after 80 minutes of over-the-top slapstick.  Boo.

2. mother (2017): The Audiences were right.  This one is ridiculous, over-the-top, full of itself and just plain bizarre.  They tried to squeeze a *super-subtle* adaptation of Genesis into one Film.  They made a big, stupid mess of a Film that is as deep as a Dixie Cup.

1. The Poughkeepsie Tapes: A self-important Film that I will hopefully never have to rant about again. A Writer/Director makes a love letter to his own Mary Sue- a Serial Killer who can be ahead of the Police, never leave clues (despite personally-handling over 2,000 VHS tapes), fake his M.O., frame a guy, not get caught and he probably has the cure to Cancer too.

I wish this had stayed 'lost' and without a Release.

Want to know how much crap I watch in a Year?  Just see these Lists.

I actually watched so many Bad Films this Year that I nearly forgot to mention Tiptoes- in which Oscar Winner Gary Oldman plays the Little Person Brother of Oscar Winner Matthew McConaughey!  How bad must a Year be when THAT isn't the worst and/or silliest thing you see?!?

Here's to another Year of crap, but hopefully less of it.

'70s Trash: Terror at the Wax Museum (1973)

Another Rifftrax Review, but one I'd do normally anyhow.  This gem is Terror at the Wax Museum, a 1973 Horror Film full of silliness.  This is one of MANY Films in the Wax Museum Sub-Genre of Films.  In the group, you have Mystery of the Wax Museum, House of Wax, this Film, Waxwork, House of Wax (2005) and a few notable others.  You also get my favorite- the one where the guy is turning ladies literally into wax and is revealed to be a Robot at the end!  Thanks, Italy!  The Films are all a bit different, but usually relate to the idea that wax figures are somehow killing people.  It's so silly that you can see why they've made them for over 80 Years!  This time, the intrigue is based around the Museum as someone tries to buy it.  When the murders start, who is to blame?  The Film is notable for its Cast of 'Aww, you're in this?!?' Actors.  They include John Carradine, Ray Milland, Louis Hayward and Broderick Crawford- among others.  Is the fact that I watched this on Rifftrax a bad sign?  Yes.  To find out how and why, read on...

A weird, old man- Carradine- owns a Wax Museum and might sell it.  He's confronted that night by his...animated Figures.

That's just an average Tuesday for him in the '70s though.

After he dies the next night, his Niece inherits the Museum and his mute/deaf worker.  He must be evil- the Poster says so!

Some murders start to happen and all signs point to...Jack the Ripper.  That or the Wax Figure of him.

Either way, this guy is going to solve the case...or get into the Niece's 'pants'- whichever comes first.

She too starts to experience weird things such as noises and figures appearing to move.  What is going on here?!?

On top of that, another murder happens- this time with the 'Oh, it's you!' cliché used to full-effect.

Who is the guilty party?  Is it Jack the Ripper (real one)?  Is it the figure?  Is it Ray Milland, who's character is written as a combination businessman/black-out drunk?

Nope- it was the Bartender.  Yep, it's that anti-climactic.  And no, I didn't forget to mention this important Character- he wasn't one.  The End.

It really is that anti-climactic and random.  A story like this should be easy to tell.  You can add some flourish and style- sure- but the Film should be easy enough to follow.  Instead, they keep building up that the Figures come to life...or one comes to life...or it is Jack the Ripper...or it is Milland.  Hell, by the end, I'm surprised they didn't also try to pin it on the Aunt, the Detective or Carradine himself!  The Film is fun to watch for the sheer silliness of it all.  There's nothing super-special here other than the early Carradine freak-outs.  Sadly, he's not in this much- not that he's ever in these kinds of Films much.  He's like a shooting star- an old, fragile and insane shooting star.  I kid, I kid- mostly.  The rest of the Cast- mostly Milland and Crawford- handle things well in his absence.  If you like this kind of silly stuff, check it out.  You can watch it with or without Rifftrax- but I prefer the latter.  Films like this have dry spots, which they help cover, and they are quite funny.  Now they just need to do the original...

Next time, I will actually get around to a Film I planned to do back in, oh, June.  It's Japan, so it's crazy and hopefully-fun.  Stay tuned...

Impossibly-Cool Cover Art: Schizoid

Who doesn't love Bats?  Most people?

Oh.

Well, maybe you'll still like this...

Bats sure are scary and perspective makes them look gigantic!

What does this have to do with the Plot?
Who knows?
Who cares?

Here's the original...

It is mostly just brighter and more-detailed now.  I also made the font Red because, you know, Red.

Forgotten Flix: Spider-Man (1977)

Before we go into the Spider-Verse, let's see how it all really began!  People think of the first Spider-Man Film as being Sam Raimi's.  Wrong!  Spider-Man had a few Films before this, even though it is only in the technical sense.  A couple were released only in Europe- and featured in sadly-lost Project Terrible Reviews- and were just 2-Part Episodes of the Show.  Before that, however, the Pilot was *also* made Feature-Length and released in Theaters.  So before we look at the latest Spider-Man Film, here is the first...

A Doctor and a Lawyer suddenly stop work and go rob a Bank.  What could make them do this?

Elsewhere, Peter Parker is trying to get $46 for some Photos.  Ha ha ha- inflation.

A mysterious man called The Extortiontist- sadly he's not an extraordinary contortionist- demands $50 million or he'll make 10 people kill themselves in one week's time.

After being bitten by the spider, Peter is chased down an alley by a mind-controlled man.  His natural instinct when cornered- run up the wall.

I'm glad it worked this time, but the other 99 times you did it, you just broke your nose!

When Peter realizes that he has powers, he makes this face.  I just wanted to immortalize that.

It all comes down to a mysterious man putting pins on people that allow him to control them from miles away via microwave transmissions from a computer with coded messages.

I feel like I both know enough Science to question this, but also too little Science to explain why.

After accidentally getting caught using his powers, Peter makes up a story about the so-called Spider-Man wearing an outfit...and makes it off-screen.  The Origin Story is complete when he makes web shooters.

He eventually makes the connection between this Self-Help Guru and the events.  When he goes inside, he's attacked by...3 guys with Kendo Sticks.  Spider-Man's first villains, folks!

As a bonus, his swing away to a nearby building bit is REUSED later in the Film, just with his web line being burned at the end.  Gotta pinch those pennies!

Peter himself is targeted, but get saved by dumb luck (the pin is knocked off).  Spider-Man destroys the transmitter, which somehow makes the machine backfire and zombifies the bad guy.

He saves the day and a Hero is born.  Watch him on CBS (4 Decades ago).   The End.

It's not always easy being the first person/people to do something.  The original Spider-Man Film- which was also the Pilot for the Show- has many issues.  Right off the bat, the Budget is clearly an issue.  The climbing effects are good, but the web ones are done haphazardly and one shot of Spider-Man jumping a two-foot gap is done with Editing.  I do like the suit.  Granted- they change/update nothing here.  That said, I still like it.  The biggest problem is the lack of stakes and drama.  Our Villain isn't Doctor Octopus, The Vulture, Sandman or even The Kingpin.  Explain to me why Kingpin couldn't be the criminal funding the whole thing.  Would that have really been too much?  I guess Hulk had the Character on lockdown...or something.  Instead of anyone interesting, it is just this old white guy who mind-controls people with chips and microwaves.  His henchmen are just 3 guys with TRAINING WEAPONS, but they somehow pose a threat to a guy who claims at one point to be '1,000x stronger than a normal man.'  That's always kind of an issue with him though, to be fair.  If you can get past the awkward seams holding this together, it is a decent origin Story and you get some neat visuals.  Just don't confuse it with a Raimi Film or anything.  It was ahead of the curve by adding a Post-Credits Scene- a Teaser for the Show (with only Clips you already saw).

Next time, more random stuff to close out 2018.  Will anything be bad or good enough to make a List?  Stay tuned...

Quick Reviews: The Book of Henry (2017)

Can one Film change your Career?  In this case, yes.  After this Film's failure (commercial and critical), it's Director was pulled from a Star Wars Film!  To see why, read on...

Henry is a(n impossibly-silly) super-genius kid.  He makes inventions and all of that stuff.

From the Writer of 'Savage Moon Knight,' folks.

He lives with his Mother and Brother next door to a similarly-aged girl who is clearly in some family trouble.

Henry tries to call Child Services to help, but the Stepfather has political connections that put a stop to that.

Henry suddenly comes down with an ailment, putting a stop to his plans for now.

The problem continues, however, and the Mother takes up the slack for him.

Can she finish the job he started and save the girl?  Can I describe the Plot without SPOILing all of the worst stuff?  Yes.

To find out how the Film goes, watch the Film (if you must).

Wow, this is...wow.  So there are many ways to make a bad Movie.  You can make one that is full of big ideas, a silly Plot and no Budget- Plan 9 From Outer Space.  You can make one that is full of stupid ideas, a confusing Plot and a giant Budget- any Transformers Film.  You can also make one that is full of silly ideas, a bizarre Plot and a moderate budget- this one.  Supposedly, this started out as a Dark Comedy- which I can believe.  Impossibly-super-genius kid plots the murder of a man to save a girl from abuse- that sounds like a Dark Comedy.  Just add in some health issues and melodrama and now it's...a serious Drama?  Yeah, it doesn't work that way.  This Film is just misguided from the beginning and only manages to get sillier.  While healthy, he plots 'the perfect murder.'  He's 11 years old!!!  When he can't do it himself, he gets his Mother to follow through with it.  She's an Adult!!!  I can't SPOIL how it plays out, but the Film *possibly* realizes this conundrum, but still goes through with the majority of what it set up.  It doesn't get a pass for realizing its own insanity and not fixing it!  It's just a weird, ill-conceived Film that got the drubbing that it deserved.  It also showed Trevorrow that Disney does not 'play around' when handing out Director duties.  Speaking of playing around, who actually plays games like this?

A Film that is just bizarre and full of unearned emotion.  It takes a bizarre turn that is not warranted and I can see why it didn't get much love.

Top 10 Surprises of MY 2018:

This are the Films that surprised me in 2018.  They just didn't *necessarily* have to come out in 2018.

Comprende?  Good.

10. Urban Legends- Bloody Mary: It didn't suck.  A good Director clearly helps, as this Movie shows.  It's just not good enough to make my Best of the Year.

9. Scanners 3- The Takeover: It wasn't good.  It was just so much ridiculous fun that I couldn't believe it.  It was better than the 2nd Film in that regard and more balanced as far as Pacing than the last 2.  It's the best-worst Sequel!

8. The Evil Dead (1981): It's not Breaking News to tell you that this Film is good.  What is notable is just how well it holds up.  I thought for sure that something would feel outdated here in 2018.  I was wrong and happy to be so.

7. Tag (2018): I don't always see Films alone and I don't always see them out of some burning desire to see one.  In this case, I saw this with my Family, as it was the consensus pick.  I wasn't expecting much.  To my surprise, it was actually good and had some depth buried under all of the silliness.  This kind of flew under the radar too, so give it a chance on Digital.

6. Constantine- City of Demons/Suicide Squad- Hell to Pay: Both were better than they had any right to be.  Both were bloodier than a cheap Steak.  DC can deliver...on DVD/Streaming.

5. The Happytime Murders: It didn't suck.  It was funny.  It had Social Commentary.  It will be on many Worst of the Year Lists I'm sure, but it surprised me in a good way.   Big whoop- wanna fight about it?

4. Nightbreed- The Cabal Cut: Okay, so I guess I was lying before.  This Cut actually did affect the Movie in a major way- I doubted that.  For me, it is a far superior Version.  Now I'm done writing about it.  Maybe...

3. Mandy: This is a tricky one to include.  It got LOTS of hype online before I saw it.  I really liked the Film.  So it's almost more a 'Surprise- you actually agreed with most people' situation than a 'Surprise- you liked it' thing.  That makes sense, right?

2. The Frozen Ground: Another Nic Cage Movie?!?  This is not a new Film, but one that I'd considered watching for a while.  Could a Film with two people- the other being John Cusack- who almost solely make Direct-to-DVD dreck be good?

Yes.  While it has one too many Subplots and adds unnecessary Drama to a real-life case, it was still far better than I expected.

1. Street Smart: A blind buy pays off! This is a Canon Film that manages to actually be good. The late Christopher Reeve would only do Superman IV (which narrowly missed out being in my Bottom 10 of 2018) if they made his pet project. It's actually good- this Film, that is.

Sadly, it got him no Oscar (or nomination!), but did get one for Morgan Freeman.

So those were my big surprises of 2018.

Did your favorites make the List?