VHS For The Win: Avenger X

I love Captain America.  I have since I was a kid.  He's not the First Avenger though- this guy is...

A man in a full-body suit and cape in action- sold!  Who cares if this box is washed out to all hell!

Next up, does being Scared make you want to Scream?  Well, you're in trouble then.  Stay tuned...

'80s Trash: Scream (1981)

I haven't misled you, have I?  Today's film is NOT the seminal, satirical slasher film from the mid '90s.  Instead, it's a fairly-obscure film from 1981.  Sorry, I couldn't resist!  This movie is certainly NOT like that film in every way, save for the sequel.  The plot is much more like Creeper, a film that I can imagine that most of you haven't even seen.  In a nutshell, people go somewhere and something kills them.  I hope that can fill 90 minutes!  If you like lots of build-up to no real resolution, you'll love this film!  To find out what I'm talking about, read on...

This random opening scene pans around a room until it shows part of a painting and two 'dead' figurines.  Does it amount to anything?  No.

These people take a white river rafting vacation- sponsored by Dr. Pepper, no lie- before hiking to a friendly Ghost Town...

...yeah, I'd totally stay there.  In pretty quick fashion, three of them get killed by a P.O.V. killer.  Oh good, they're obviously building up to a big reveal.

With a cast of 11 lead characters, you'd expect a pretty paced out killing spree.  You'd be wrong.  Everyone lives for the next forty-odd minutes.  Pointless meandering and looking around- it's got that!

A weird, weird man randomly rides into town with a body in tow.  He says a random story about a ship Captain and then leaves.  Nobody tries to stop him or ask any questions.  Alright then.

 After a sudden burst of kills, whittling the cast count down to a mere 8, the weird man from before rides and shoots the killer to death.  Ready to find out who the killer is?

It was apparently the ghost of the ship Captain, who shows up every 100 years.  Do they show him?  No.  Do they actually say this?  No.  Does this film abruptly?

Makes me want to Scream!  The plot of this movie has some potential, but can't make much use of it.  The set-up: good.  The middle portion of the film: slower than a one-legged man with a limp and only three toes.  The film really could have been good.  Here's a quick list of the reasons why it is not: bad pacing, sub-par acting, no killer reveal and a nonsensical plot overall.  Why does an evil Sea Captain kill people (and figurines)?  Why is the old ship-mate still alive?  Where did he get that horse?  Why did one of the characters die off-screen?  Who rides a dirt bike into a ghost town for no good reason?  Why the hell did I have to watch the movie with the Audio Commentary on during the Finale to get the Finale explained?  When the Director says that he doesn't care about what people say about it and that, essentially, 'they couldn't have done better,' the film can't be good.  On the plus side, he's not challenging any Critics to a boxing match!  This guy liked it though...

Up next, I cover some crappy sequels from some major horror series'.  First up, Jason goes to space and fights Aliens cliches!  Stay tuned...

Impossibly-Deceptive Cover Art: Megan is Missing

A great idea is not often come across.  While I don't consider this recent wave of 'found footage' films to be that, many do.  Case in point: this recent film...

Why do I get the feeling of Deja Vu when I see this?  It's like I've seen this before on a different "found footage" film poster...

Yeah, they stole the art design!  It's not like they stole imagery from the film itself, but they are clearly trying to make you think of it.

Of course, this 'new' genre dates back to 1982's Cannibal Holocaust, so since when was ripping someone off new?

Poor Bastards of Cinema: Child's Play 2

Slasher films and the like are often full of random killings.  This one from Child's Play 2 stands out to me, however, because this guy has nothing to do with the plot.

He's a worker in the factory that makes the Good Guy dolls when the main characters sneak in and break a device.

He goes to fix the machine, but runs afoul of Chucky.  Considering that they never met and he doesn't want to put his soul into the guy, what is Chucky's beef with him?

He stuns the guy and his head falls in place with the machine.  I wonder what that machine does...

Ow!  It presses the eyes into dolls, but puts them into his own eyes instead.  That's gotta sting!

So what was the point of this guy's death?  He just exists for a jump scare when the main characters find him. That was worthy of him being killed during his shift!

Up next, a look back at how Poor Bastards of Cinema began.  On the plus side, I'm rehashing myself...with pictures.  Stay tuned...

Trilogy of Huh?: Exhumed

It's three for the price of BOO!  Today's film is a 2003 opus called Exhumed.  What's it about?  Zombies, of course.  

There's more going on, however, as this is actually an Anthology film.  Of course, all three Films are made by the same guy and connect directly, making the anthology aspect...entirely pointless.  

The point of a film like this is to give variety and single stories that have a beginning and an end.  The format kind of screws over that whole thing in favor of something weird.  

In a nutshell, the film is all about people trying to bring the dead back to life via the Necronomicon.

Wow, how creative.  

The real creativity is thrown into the plot set-ups, as they are pretty unique for the Genre.  Are they actually good though?  To find out, read on...

We meet our narrator, Mr. Gray right off the bat.  Oh wait- he's not the Narrator...or the Host.  

He just appears here once, rendering his role- say it with me- entirely-pointless.

The film really begins with this first section, which is set in Feudal Japan.  

Mind you, it only stars about three people, but that's still something!

After one guy is killed by zombies in the Woods, two other guys meet up to find the source- the Necronomicon.  

The problem: one wants to use it, while the other wants to make sure that nobody does just that!

The plot takes an odd twist as the Monk turns evil.  

He tries to use the Necronomicon to gain power but gets killed.  The book is destroyed...or is it?

In the second tale, we are in a Crime Noir tale.  

In a twist that's...interesting, I guess, the Detective is a lady.  Feminism?

In a plot that meanders for quite a bit- in spite of being less than thirty minutes- the lady discovers that her simple tail job of a cheating spouse leads to a doctor making zombies with, you guessed it, the Necronomicon.  

Good job, Japanese guy!

In a weird twist, our heroine is captured and sees his experiment go down.  The book is used and...the story ends.  

Yes, just like that.  

Next story...

For the final story, we're in the far future where nuclear war took place.  

For some reason, this means that Vampires and Werewolves are fighting now.  

No, really.

A repressive government group- made up of the rat people from Rats- captures two of the monsters for an experiment involving, you know it, the Necronomicon.  

Yea.

Our two heroines fight for their lives for a bit, before the experiment takes place.  

The scientist prepares to use the book when...

...we suddenly jump back to the Noir Story- even being in black-and-white- and wrap up that tale.  

No, really.  The End.

Seriously, stop making Zombies!  The plot of this movie is, well, three silly and stupid plots.  

The first film is slow, random and doesn't really do much.  They have two scenes of plot interaction, fight random zombies with no real gore and then the End happens.  

The second plot put me to sleep, as it meanders about for far too long.  Just get the point, short film!

The third one is just goofy and has no purpose.  

Vampires and Werewolves just exist apparently and start fighting...only to be captured by the government.  

Finally, there is the weird wrap-up ending which could have just gone on, you know, the movie that it connects to.  What is the point of doing it that way?  If you couldn't end the third film, why take away the ending of the second film and just co-opt it?  

The bottom line: this cheap movie is just awful.  It sounds like it could be neat, but it's not. If someone with real talent and a budget, did it, it could be- this has neither.  

Take us away, most obvious reason to turn evil...

Next up, the classic 1995 film that deconstructed the slasher film.  Oh wait- it's actually a 1981 film with the same title!  Stay tuned...

Help A Guy Out: Curse of the Phantom Shadow

I got an e-mail request from a gentlemen in Las Vegas who is seeking some money to finish his movie.  He thought you guys might be the audience for it.  Judge for yourself...

Sure looks interesting to me!  If you want to know more from me, keep reading.  If you want to just hear it from them, go here.

The film is designed as an homage to the films and serials of the '30s and '40s.  If you love stuff like The Shadow or any of the superhero serials of the day, you're the audience.

Now here's the deal: they need money.  It's not a lot of money and it's for a good cause- entertainment.  What would you rather spend money on?  Food?  Ha!

If you want to help a guy finish his dream and see a finished product here, help out.

Death Down Under: Bloodmoon

G'day mate- It's time to die!  This slasher film comes to us from Australia, a country that we don't usually associate with the genre.  Is this 1989 film an anomaly or were we just not paying attention?  The plot is simple: a crazy guy kills co-eds.  What's his reason?  It's nothing you haven't seen before, but I will get into that later.  What is Bloodmoon exactly?  Actually, the movie never really addresses it, nor does it explain why it's one word.  It does allow me to review it, so I guess I can just live with it.  To find out why whores gotta die, read on...

Our first kill of the movie comes when two 'teenagers' try to sneak out of an all-girl's school in the middle of the night.  This death- off-screen.  We're off to a great start, guys!

A good chunk of the middle portion of the film is given to a sub-plot involving preppy guys from an all-boy's school fighting with 'townies.'  Does it add anything?  No.  Does it randomly get dropped before the Third Act begins?  Yep.

What are 'Aussie Tubes,' by the way?

About thirty minutes in, the movie accidentally reveals it's killer's face.  Mind you, the actual reveal comes about ten minutes later, but it is a bit silly of you to miss this shot...

So this is our killer- scary, right?  He's a middle-aged schmuck of a teacher who's wife belittles him.  As a result, he kills 'slutty girls' (like his slutty wife, see).  It's goofy, but it does the trick here.

One of our 15 main character is this Police Officer, the kind of guy who works really hard despite the town having so little crime to deal with.  His pay-off comes later.

This film thinks that it's being ironic by randomly cutting to these people singing in Church a couple of times.  It's really just kind of stupid...and forced.

For the climax, our villain sets up the 'townie' and his rich girlfriend, since he hates her...for some reason.  After offing a lot of random people, he gets shot by the cop...who gets stabbed to death.  No happy ending for you.  After that, he goes back for the kill, only for this Nun to throw acid in his face...

...which doesn't kill him either.  Instead, he runs home (since no other cops show up) and pulls a 'Benoit' by killing the wife and himself.  So, in summary, the vicious murder kills many people, murders the nice cop and then dies under his own terms.  The End.

Put another corpse on the barbie!  The plot of this movie is decent, but needed a lot more focus.  The story involves two schools, a murderer, a Nun having a crisis of faith, a romance sub-plot, a sub-plot involving two rival groups and the killer's whole back-story with his wife- who is having an affair with one of the rich guys.  It's no wonder that this film is around 100 minutes long.  If it was any shorter, characters would have to exchange dialogue faster than people in Gilmore Girls!  The meat of this movie is the killer and his plot, so let's focus on that.  His motivation is a bit strange, as he can never muster up the courage to just kill the woman he's mad at.  Not that I'm encouraging that kind of behavior, but it is slightly better than killing random people just because of her!  The fact of the matter is that he, in a way, gets away with all of the crimes.  He dies, but at his own hands.  He kills about a dozen people here, none of whom ever get to strike back at him at all.  What is the moral here?  Kill people and you'll eventually die, provided that you decide to kill yourself?  On the plus side, there aren't 800 sequels out there...or are there?!?  Take us away, main reason that I forgive this film...

Next up, a very ambitious film about zombies throughout history.  Considering that nobody has heard of this movie, you have to question whether or not it's actually good or not!  Stay tuned...

Gutter Trash: Gutterballs

Do you like films about people who are all legitimately-terrible?  Do you like films in which one character says 'the f-word' as part of every sentence?  Do you like a rape-revenge plot who's plot is so convoluted that I can barely explain it?  If you said 'yes' to any of those questions, you need help!  Gutterballs is a film that I've put off for a long time.  Why?  It looked stupid.  Do I need another reason?  The plot is a rape-revenge tale, but with a gimmicky twist.  That twist- bowling plays a part in all of the murders.  No, really.  Let's just dive right in and make a spare with the...

A fight breaks out between two groups at a bowling alley.  Who are they?  Well, we see them start fighting after less than five minutes.  Good job.

The next night, the group meets up again the next night to play the finals of their tournament.  Oh yeah, one of the women who was with the side that won the fight gets raped.  That's probably important, right?

A killer begins to take out the group slowly, all the while wearing a bowling ball bag on his head.  No, I'm not kidding.  Oh yeah, the bag is upside down too.

These two hook up during the whole thing, as our heroes continue to not care about their friends missing for minutes on end.  Yea.

This Jersey Shore reject is the worst of the bunch.  Every line he has involves the word 'f#*k' at least once.  I hate him.

At one point, the killer sneaks up on the girl from before and screws her with a bowling pin.  His disguise- a wig and bandana like the guy who left...OVER HIS BAG/MASK.  You are stupid, stupid people!

Do you really want to know who the killer is?  Do you?  Well, if you don't want to know, just skip to the summary, as there will be SPOILERS...



The owner of the Alley is the killer.  He's also the father of the girl who was raped.  But wait- there's more!

One of the men who raped her also did some of the killings as he felt bad about it later.  The girl also does some killings.  Is this dumb enough for you yet?

The remaining cast members kill off all of the...um, killers and leave.  The last guy has a secret to share...and gets shot to death as the credits roll.  Sure- why not?!?  The End.

I got some balls for you to polish right here, movie!  The plot of this movie has potential, but just falls apart.  A rape-revenge tale is pretty simple.  Someone gets raped.  Murders take place of those who did said rape.  Rape victim and/or family member is revealed as the killer.  It's not hard.  After all, The Nail Gun Massacre can do it!  The problem is that the film is full of terrible characters, the motivation for many of the kills is iffy and the pacing is way off.  Most of the characters are weird and one-note.  For example, one of them is a Transvestite, since I can never get away from rape-revenge films featuring Transvestites!  Most of the characters are complete assholes, while the rest don't have enough personality to fill up a thimble!  Second, a good number of people who had nothing to do with the actual rape are killed off.  There's a plot explanation, but it comes off as just an after-thought.  Finally, the film drags, drags, drags through it's 80-ish minute run-time.  I stopped caring a good thirty minutes in, but kept watching out of a sense of duty.  The bottom line: this movie is awful.  It's not scary, it's not funny and it's just an excuse to show lots of gore.  Take us away, killer wearing a bowling bag on his head and a Knight's armor...

Next up, an Australian slasher film from the '80s.  I'll just stop there, actually.  Stay tuned...