WTF Japan?!?: Mutant Girls Squad

Are you ready for some seriously-crazy shit?!?  Today's film is Mutant Girls Squad, a film I've been waiting for (thanks to Netflix) for quite a while.  I don't entirely blame them, as these wacky Import films are a tricky thing.  After a film is made and released overseas, there is the usual 'wait for the DVD' stuff.  On top of that, someone with National distribution has to buy up the rights, make a Dub and/or Subtitle track for it & then convince Netflix to actually distribute it.  Regardless, the movie is here and it is glorious.  If you don't know much about Japanese Gonzo Cinema (see Robo-Geisha, The Machine Girl, etc), I can make this simple.  Three up-and-coming Japanese Directors- of previous Gonzo films- teamed up to make one crazy-ass one together.  The result is a film about a battle between mutant girls (think crazy limbs, not optic blasts) and a harsh, Japanese Government seeking biological purity.  The only real strike against the movie (for me) is that there are quite a few re-occurring visual gags/concepts from their other films.  Regardless, this is a film so glorious in it insanity that I don't want to SPOIL it too much with a full review.  I choose you- Review in Pictures...

Our young heroine discovers that she's from a family of mutants.  Unfortunately, *that* news comes with even worse (read: violent) family news...

*****

*****

Rejected and threatened, our heroine goes on a mini-rampage before joining up with a secret, titular group of girls with their own unique mutations.

*****

*****

The plot takes a few twists and turns as the Second Act closes and the Third Act runs its course.  I won't give you any real SPOILERS, but I will give you a taste of what happens there.  The End.

*****

*****

Welcome to insanity!  For me, this movie is great.  The story is weird (but fun), the action is insane/over-the-top (but fun) and it is well-paced.  The action comes quick and often enough to not ever leave you bored.  For a lot of people, this is just going to look strange.  Granted- it is.  If you can accept/learn to love the crazy gore, ridiculous effects and wacky tone, you'll have a blast.  It's certainly not a film for everyone.  I will say, however, if you're surprised by how weird a film called Mutant Girls Squad is, you have bigger problems than the movie!  For fans of Iguchi, Nishimura and Sakaguchi, the question is this: how does this movie live up to their previous works?  I think it holds up pretty damn well, getting the wacky-to-accessible ratio a bit better than Helldriver did.  The film mixes the comedy and melodrama quite well, something they did with Robo-Geisha and Vampire Girl vs. Frankenstein Girl.  This one is played for laughs and it works.  As I mentioned, my only gripe would be a re-use of previous ideas (the 'human rocket' from Tokyo Gore Police and the ass-blades from Robo-Geisha).  If you look at them being lazy (which I don't), it could be a negative.  If you look at it as a call-back joke, it won't be.  The bottom line: this is pure, Japanese insanity.  Like Wasabi Peas, it has a strong, unique flavor.  That or French Bread...

Next up, an Adrian Paul film that didn't get its due last month.  Will this enigma of a riddle inspire intrigue or apathy?  Stay tuned...

Flap Off!: The Butterfly Effect 3- Revelations

Let's just get this over with, shall we?  For a recent After Dark Horrorfest, they made a third Butterfly Effect movie.  Well, to be more accurate, the same Studio probably made it and *then* sold it to the Horrorfest.  Why show Indy Horror when you can just buy shit from Studios?  So what's the plot this time?  Well, a guy uses his Butterfly Effect powers to help solve crimes and...wait, how is he related to Kutcher or the guy in the second film?  He's not?  Alright then.  This film is a murder mystery as it seems that everyone who gets near our hero dies or disappears.  When all hope seems to be lost, can he solve the mystery and save himself & his reputation?  To find out, read on...

A man randomly kills a woman as she goes to her car, all while her son watches.  Meanwhile, a man watches this crime take place and take notes.

As it turns out, he's our hero.  He uses his time-travel (sort of) powers to witness crimes as they happen and help the Police solve them.  Oh and the way he accesses the power works differently this time...again.  Why do I even bother?!?

Further straining logic, we learn that our hero has a mentor in the field of mental time-travel.  It's as commonplace as Yoga, apparently!  This guy serves to give basic exposition and later to become a Red Herring.

Our hero is haunted by the death of his girlfriend back in College.  After years of doing nothing, he finally decides to try and solve the crime...in person.  Unfortunately, this leads to the death of the girlfriend (again) and her sister.

As a side-effect, our hero is slightly less-wealthy.  Don't ask me how that works.

That begins a series of events in which our hero tries to figure out who did the crime, someone else is killed and he wakes up again, only to find that he's more poor (he goes from a home-owner to one with a tenant to the tenant himself!) & less respected.  Sorry, Waitress Who Shows Her Tits (and probably has a name)!

With all evidence (kind of) pointing towards him, our hero gets one chance to save the day after he reveals a secret about the Police Chief that he learned using his powers.  Naturally, he held onto this secret for just such an occasion.

 

To not find out the Ending of this movie, avoid these ***SPOILERS*** below...

As it turns out, the killer is DUN DUN DUN his Sister.  You see, our hero did use his powers to change history once: to save his sister, at the cost of his parents dying.  When she found out, she fell in love with him (not kidding) and killed the girlfriend to get rid of a romantic rival.

Desperate and confused, our hero makes one last jump and does the only thing he can think of: he makes sure that his sister dies in the fire...by holding the door shut, trapping her inside.  Ouch.

This altering of the timeline apparently has no negative repercussions- kind of negating the whole premise of the film-, save for his daughter possibly being evil...just like in the last movie.  Those kids should date.  The End. 

I wish someone would go back in time and stop me from considering my review of these films!  Yes, I re-used that joke (sort of), but if they can re-use the plot (sort of), then I can do this.  What is there to say here?  In place of the bleak moments in the first film and the minor inconveniences of the second film, we have violent, violent murder.  I didn't really mention it earlier, but all of the kills are very graphic and done with some sort of motorized saw.  Given the reveal of the killer (see the SPOILERS for that), this seems weird.  This is just an attempt to up the body count and put in buckets of blood to appease the After Dark Horrorfest fans.  Is even half of the gore necessary?  No.  Is the randomly-inserted sex scene- which only exists to set up a bloody death later- necessary either?  Given that one is pointless, I'd say 'no' to that.  Is this a good movie?  No.  I wish that this could have redeemed the series, but I certainly did not expect it to.  This is just a stupid, sleazy horror film with an even darker- but less 'emo'- message than the previous two.  Thanks for these at least...

Next up, a film that's so crazy and twisted that you have to see it.  To entice you, let's have another Review in Pictutes.  Stay tuned...

Forgotten Toons: Stargate- Infinity

I almost Forgot that this segment exists.

Stargate- it was a movie.  That movie did well and they made a live-action show.  They made a second one.  They made a third one, but quickly cancelled it- close call.  Shortly after the first show, they made an animated show.  How can this go wrong?

This is how.  Yes, the company behind such shows as Captain N: The Game Master, Sonic the Hedgehog and Street Sharks is behind the Stargate animated show.  I hope it translates to the animated screen as well as Swamp Thing did.

The show involves a bunch of aliens that weren't on the show (that I'm aware of) and a bunch of characters that look nothing like the ones on the show.

Well, there is a Stargate...so, yeah. 

Since the show has jack shit to do with the film or live-action show, what does it have?  Well, it has a giant squirrel...

...some wannabe-Ewoks...

...this Dragon Lady (who is apparently super-important and...something)...

...and the garbage version of Kimbo Slice.  So yeah, that happened...in the first three Episodes.

The rest of it is a slightly-reworked version of Quantum Leap, just with Stargate traversal.  Joy.

If you like Stargate SG-1, this is not going to do anything for you.  Even the Extreme Ghostbusters show had Slimer as a major character, in spite of the character changes.  This one is just about the laziest way to adapt the source material you could think of.  I just hope that the cast of Farscape got to be on this show too!

Did you miss Forgotten Toons?  Have some suggestions for ones for me to do?  If so, leave a comment, won't you?

Flap Off: The Butterfly Effect 2

Are you ready for a second dose of depression?  Today's film is The Butterfly Effect 2, the DTV sequel to the depressing Kutcher film.  What's changed?  The budget is smaller, the cast is different and the film...is slightly less wrist-cuttingly bleak.  It's still a movie that tells you that life holds no hope, so I still don't recommend it.  The plot involves a car accident, a reluctant time-traveler and a series of events that don't always work out in his favor.  Look for mild doses of depression, a super-quick reference that somehow makes this a sequel and 'Lois Lane' in a film where she's not topless.  Hurray for her and boo for me, I suppose.  To find out if the movie sucks less than the last one, read on...

Our hero, his girlfriend and their two friends are pulled away from a Weekend away...only to get hit by a truck.  The girlfriend- Erica Durance- is killed, upsetting our hero.

While moping around, he looks at a picture of the group taken before they left and...finds that he can time-travel to that event.  Changing the rules- joy.

Well, nothing can go wrong...right?  Yeah, obviously stuff goes wrong.  It's not traumatic stuff like limb loss or death though.  Kind of feels like you could just work on things here, rather than frying your brain by time-jumping.

Another time-jump has our hero being very successful in business- after being poor and losing his job- before.  Unfortunately, his lady friend is not on board for the ride.  It can't get any worse, could it?

Oh shit- it does.  For all of the company's bluster, they're broke.  It's a theme!  They owe money to this Sam Rockwell-looking guy who kills our hero's friend, shoots Durance- by accident, but still- and leaves him in the hands of his gay brother.  Yeah, they go there!

Okay, let's try ONE last time to fix this, shall we?  Make sure that you learn nothing too- just to be safe.

After screwing things up again- trying to break up with his pregnant girlfriend-, she drives off.  He goes to save her & takes the step he feels is best- driving his (read: a stolen) car off of a cliff, killing himself.

After a time jump, we get a fake-out implying that he's actually alive.  No, it's just his baby.  Sequel-bait?  The End.

History repeats itself...if you never learn your damn lessons!  Was this a good movie?  No.  Was that not obvious?  Well, I didn't like how bleak and dark the original film was, this movie goes too far in the other direction.  There's a middle ground between dog murder and a couple breaking up, right?!?  The movie is really underwhelming for all of the reasons that The Butterfly Effect is so abrasive.  Aside from that, it's not that well shot, Acted or Edited.  There's no really bad part to point too- aside from the villain near the end- in this department, but it just feels cheap.  There was just not a lot of effort put into this movie, from the lackadaisical plotting, cheap production and underwhelming final result.  Take us away, background boobs...

Next up, the final Butterfly Effect film in the 'series' (so far).  This one changes the rules again and gives us even worse moral lessons!  Stay tuned...

'Deep Blue Sea' Moments: 100 Million B.C.

Are you ready for the return of this segment?  If not, tough monkeys!

In 100 Million B.C. (review coming shortly), one of the men swears that he saw 'something.'  He's not moving forward until this addressed!

His C.O. approaches and tries to talk him down.  When that fails, he goes over to check.

"See- I'm telling you that there's nothing..."

BLAARGH!!!!

Thank you, The Asylum.  Not because the movie is good (it's very flawed).  No, thank you for giving me a Deep Blue Sea Moment once again.

I do have another one 'in the tank' somewhere.  Is there enough interest to keep this segment around?  If so, hit me up and let me know!

Flap Off!: The Butterfly Effect

I wish I could go back in time & warn myself about what was coming.  Today's film is The Butterfly Effect, a movie with a fairly-unique premise and a super-super-dark tone.  I could not have killed how depraved this movie could get.  The thing about it is that they never *quite* show the really bad stuff, but show enough of it to still disturb.  It would be like if I posted a bestiality video on my site, but cut out the middle part (with the sex) & acted like it was okay.  Aside from the depravity and depression involved, the movie fails at the most basic aspect of filmmaking.  I will get to that near the End, since I like to leave you all in suspense.  If you don't know the plot, here's the gist: a guy can mentally time-travel by reading his own journals.  Since he can do this, he attempts to fix the past mistakes, but only ends up making different/worse ones.  There's a pretty big hole in this concept too, but I'll get to that later as well.  Get our your depressing journals and read on...

As I mentioned, the film is relentlessly dark and depressing.  I watched The Director's Cut, so it might just be extra worse here.

*

Our hero suffers from Dissociative Fugue States when trauma happens.  Such trauma includes molestation at the hands of a friend's father...

Accidentally killing a child with a small explosive (prank involving an M-80 gone awry)...

&

...and seeing his dog burned to death by a seriously-twisted 'friend.'  This comes after he *dares* kiss the guy's sister...who he's known for years. 

This kid- who's like 10- also beats a guy up with a stanchion- in public- but doesn't go to Juvenile Hall until *after* the dog incident.  Nice judicial system, movie!

The star of this movie finally shows up in the form of Ashton Kutcher, trying to play a range anywhere between 18 and 25.  He doesn't exactly pull it off at times, but it's the least of his problems.

After the suicide of his lady friend- who he has avoided for years-, he begins trying to change past events by reading his journal and sending his psyche back.  The problem is that everything he fixes somehow turns bad.

* He stops the dad from molesting him and the girl, but this makes the brother crazy...somehow.  He attacks them years later, making Kutcher kill him and get sent to Prison.  Again- nice legal system, given that he was attacked first.
* He saves the woman from the M-80, but loses his arms and legs.  Must have been an M-8,000,001
* He talks the brother down from killing his dog, but the silent kid stabs him.  Seems like this change would solve that first change, doesn't it?

After continuing down this path, apparently destroying his brain in the process, our hero takes the super-emo approach to the situation.  Thanks to the Director's Cut, Kutcher reads *his mother's* diary about when he was born, takes over his fetal body and commits suicide.  No, really.

I should also mention that this is apparently her *third* stillborn child.  This means that Kutcher has had two brothers who also got the power, used it, went crazy and did this exact same thing.  Poor lady.  The End.

Can you go back in time and just smash the DVD please?  This movie has an interesting idea, but its follow-through is not that great.  It's just a series of scenes in which he tries to fix things, only for them to get worse. It's so interesting and surprising the fifth time, movie!  I should also note that I did watch The Director's Cut is seven minutes longer than the Theatrical Cut.  It seems that all of this time was there to just make the film more bleak and depressing.  Watch any scene of this movie in which Kutcher talks about his past and just insert the 'Why Does This Happen To Me' internet meme- it all syncs up!  The film is just bleak, bleak, bleak.  I almost stopped watching by the thirty-minute mark (no lie) and figured that I could make up a joke to go with it.  Instead, I watched it all the way through.  Screw me.  Here's my biggest issue: how does he have this power?  This is never ever ever ever ever ever ever ever EVER explained.  Would you watch Quantum Leap if they never said how it worked, if there was no Al (not me) and no Ziggy?  No.  This movie just throws out 'this family line can time-travel by reading their journals' and expects you to go 'Yeah- I totally believe that.  Don't explain it to me at all.'  Oh and why is that guy dressed like a Goth?  He's not a recurring character, so...um, yeah...funny?

Next up, the sequel (which has jack shit to do with anything).  Instead of a prequel that might explain things, we get the same movie...kind of.  Stay tuned...

Poor Bastards of Cinema: A Return to Salem's Lot

A Return to Salem's Lot is a sequel to Salem's Lot in that, well, Vampires are in it.  It does give us today's Poor Bastards of Cinema though...

For no good reason, a Greyhound Bus is re-routed to (Jeru)Salem's Lot by the Police.

The Mayor forces them to exit (for their 'safety') and walk out into the center of town.  They know that our hero, his son and the Nazi Hunter (see the review for any context there) are watching...

...so they decide to just straight up kill the people there.

I should note that these people have jack shit to do with the plot, but they still die to prove a point to Michael Moriarty.

To reiterate: there was no point to the death of these people.  They don't even have names.  They're just here to up the body count and, well, that's it.  Poor Bastards.

Next up, some hunters go out in the Woods.  With a horror film, you just know what's coming next!  Stay tuned...