Project Terrible: Live Freaky, Die Freaky

Claymation and serial killing do not mix!  This 2003 film is a weird concept, done in a weird way and done with a weird sensibility.  Nothing about this feels normal.  The plot of this movie involves a post-apocalyptic future, but that pretty much doesn't matter save for the beginning or the end.  The actual film is all about the infamous Manson Family Murders.  Good- there aren't enough films about that!  This one has an edge to it: awkward and time-consuming animation.  Yeah, that's what Helter Skelter was missing!  Speaking of which, this movie awkwardly-straddles the line between fact and satire.  When you can't pick one, why should I care?  Let's just jump right into this bizarre mess, shall we?  When in doubt, live by any other mantra than...

The film begins in a really awkward way with the title card above being held for about two minutes straight.  It's four words- nobody reads that slow!  We meet a weird guy wandering around the desert.  He comes across a copy of some book called 'Healter Skelter.'  No, really.  After that, the film jumps to covering a bald woman (based solely on the voice) who explains that Charles Mason is the real Messiah.  Let's jump to a flashback from this narrative flashback.  Ow- my brain hurts!

After a disturbingly long (Hi-O) scene of Charles and the woman having sex, he sings a silly song.  It's not bad, but it goes on for too long.  We jump from that to a scene of the Sharon Tate fill-in driving around and signing a song about how she hates the environment.  At one point, she even tap dances on the car while it's still moving!  Oh yeah, she's also blond here for no reason...

Mason and his family- including one of the singers from The Go-Gos- decide to go after the Sharon Tate fill-in.  Why?  Because she exists.  That's about the only reason.  Speaking of 'reason,' there's no reason for another musical number, but they still put one in.

The group arrive at the house and kill the guy who apparently was delivering their drugs door-to-door.  I'd list him as a Poor Bastard of Cinema, but that would require me caring about him.  Inside the house, Not-Sharon, her gay friend from earlier and another woman are naked & doing naughty things.  I still don't care.

The movie indulges in ever more gross sight gags and talk about dirty things.  I still don't care- you can't make me.  Even when you have the gay guy do things to himself as just a head, I don't care.   You're trying to gross me out, but you mostly just make me Fast-Forward you.

The trial portion of the film is very brief and doesn't bear much mention.  They clearly 'blew their load' already, so why should I bother?

In the Present Day (of the future), the man finishes reading the book and takes it with him.  What will the future hold?  I'm going to guess that it involves me forgetting all about this movie and moving on with my life.  The End.

To quote a great man, "This movie sucks!"  The plot is a real mess, starting out in the future and moving to the past, only to then move to further in the past.  Despite what people might think, it's not always hip to do your film in a weird order after Pulp Fiction and Memento!  Even without that silliness, the plot just holds no interest.  Any interesting scene is surrounded by scenes that either terrible, drawn out for too long or both!  Even the good people involved- like Asia Argento- are hampered by a script so scattershot that they probably pulled it out of Dick Cheney's hunting buddy.  That's still a topical joke, right?  Speaking of topical, how many times do we have to cover the Manson Family Murders?  It's been over thirty years.  Can't we at least move on to more topical murders like the Gainesville Ripper Murders?  Oh right- that's what Uli Lommel is for.  The two gimmicks of the movie- the claymation and the really dirty jokes- are not worth your time.  I feel bad for all the people who spent hours doing the work just to have a headless man perform fellatio on himself!  The movie is Terrible and Zach over at Z for Zombies is terrible for making me watch it.  Vengeance shall be mine, so sayeth the Mondo!

Next up, I celebrate the Holiday that celebrates love.  Naturally, I have a weird, Japanese film to review.  Stay tuned...
  

Import/Export Trash: Killer Killer

Britain isn't all class, people!  While they may have invented tea time, British Imperialism and Mr. Bean, they are not as smart as you might think.  For example, they make shitty slasher films with no logical premise behind it too!  They also make them with budgets of somewhere around 1,000£ (since the Euro is for pussies!).  The film in question is called Killer Killer.  No, really.  You see, it's about a spirit that kills famous killers.  There was clearly no other way to say that!  It's set in a Prison that undergoes a mysterious effect that traps the men inside.  Does this affect other people?  Do they explain the source of this?  No and no.  I don't know why you were expecting any other answer here.  Since the film makes no sense, has no budget and comes from another country, it's perfect for this site.  Retrieve your handcuff handcuffs as we go to see the...

The film begins with a young woman going upstairs to take a shower.  She's apparently deaf and has no peripheral vision, as the killer walks just out of sight and grunts the whole time.  He follows her to the shower, revealing his Nixon mask, before she turns around...and stabs him to death.  By the way, that entire opening has no impact on the actual plot.  It's not mentioned in any way either.  Now that they're done wasting time, we meet our heroes: a bunch of killers on Death Row.  I thought that Protagonists were supposed to be appealing, guys!  The people wake up to find the place a mess and it looking out-of-date.  Sign of a Low Budget: We are never shown the original state of the prison- just the altered one.  I'm totally-convinced that you didn't just rent out an old prison/fort!  The 'lead guy' doesn't believe the story about how they're trapped due to some mist hanging around the building, so he goes outside.  One awkward edit later, he comes back in, ice coating his face.  Where's my ironic trombone when I need it?!?  The men sit around discuss their situation- the guards and authority figures are gone, but they can't leave.  During the discussion, we get a quick flash and one of the men is dead.  Okay then.

I don't suppose that you want an explanation for any of this.  Well, if you do, you have to wait a while.  I mean, I could just tell you, but where's the fun in that?  The two lead guys make a show about locking one of the other guys in the basement.  I have to ask why he was in there though?  Did he leave his cell and just immediately go looking for rats?  The people left are a strange and random lot.  One is a calm guy who maintains his innocence, while another is a gritty killer who basically says 'Yeah, I did it.'  There is also a crazy, twitchy guy since, well, I guess there has to be.  Another guy is one of those 'I'm a cold, calculated killer- which makes me smart' guys.  Speaking of which, that guy is suddenly struck by a mysterious force and wakes up in a hospital.  There's a blond woman (the one from before and the flash above) on the table and he prepares to 'operate.'  She attacks him, however, and tortures him.  He suddenly appears in the real world dead.  No, they still don't explain it.

Things look bleak for the twitchy guy when two of the other prisoners decide that he is the one that has been doing the killing.  You're just glossed over the whole mysterious mist thing, huh?  Fortunately for him, the mysterious lady demon decides to go for broke and takes them both out.  They appear as Grips at a music video shoot and the lady is a cheerleader...who kills them.  Moving on, we finally get an explanation as to what is going on...after the twitchy guy is killed.  He apparently killed hookers with a drill (why not?!?), so, naturally, he gets killed by one via the woman/demon.  Oh right, the explanation.  Basically, the lady is an angel/demon who kills people who have killed others in real life.  I could question the logic surrounding that, but it would be undermining just how stupid this shit is!  The 'innocent' guy gives his whole life story after the freaky guy from the attic is killed by the angel/demon.  Basically, he was 'Sid Vicious' and lost his girlfriend, which led him to become a blackout drunk and maybe killing some people.  The other guy confronts the angel/demon and repents, apparently sparing him.  He turns on the other guy, however, which causes the angel/demon to kill him.  A minute later, the 'innocent' guy reveals his crimes and dies too.  I guess things return to normal, since the movie never actually addresses this.  The End.

This sucks sucks!  The plot of this movie is about as bare-bones as you can get.  It's what happens when you just leave blanks in a generic description.  'People Group A are stuck in Place B and picked off one-by-one by Killer C.'  Just fill it in with 'Killers,' 'Prison' and 'A Busty Demon/Angel' and you have the film!  Very little is really addressed here.  How does the thing's power work exactly?  What is it?  I know that you think it makes your movie 'clever' to not explain anything.  It doesn't.  Incidentally, when did people get that idea?  It's a very common one, but I don't quite get it.  Aside from the goofy premise, there's not much to talk about here.  The characters are both stock and unlikable.  Why should I care if the serial killers are killed?  Even if I did, the guys are written in such a way that I just have no interest in them.  The acting is not great either, ranging from over-the-top (twitchy guy) to mind-numbingly dull (the 'innocent' guy).  If you like generic slashers with no budget, but a silly gimmick, this is one of them.  Do with that information what you will.  Then again, boobs.

Up next, Project Terrible returns with my final segment in this round.  It has puppets, sodomy and really drawn-out scenes.  Stay tuned...

Impossibly-Confusing Cover Art: Naked Killer 3

What happens when you awkwardly ret-con another film into your series?  Furthermore, what happens when your memo about 'keep the cover simple' doesn't reach the Advertising department?  This...

Aside from the obvious comments- 'Everything is bigger in Japan' and 'Why is he licking her when those things are right above his head?'- I have to ask: Why does this film have two titles?!?

Did the Head of Marketing- I'm going to guess it's Chang- put in the 'Naked Killer 3' title and his assistant- also named Chang, probably- put in the actual title on the top?

As a side note, thanks for explaining that the film has 'Blood, Drilling and Rape.'  I was fine with the 'Blood' and the 'Drilling,' but the 'Rape' is too far!

P.S. Can you have 'Drilling' without 'Extreme Violence?'  I guess if you're a DVD of Home Repair, maybe.

International Millennial Trash: Jaws in Japan

There are times that I hate you, Japan.  Many months back, I discovered the awesome pair of posters to a movie called Jaws in Japan.  I was thrilled.  About a month or so ago, I discovered that the film was being released in the United States- as Psycho Shark.  I was even more thrilled.  I waited in vain for Netflix to get the disc so that I could see it, but it didn't come.  I was upset.  In a moment of inspiration, I did a rare thing- a blind buy.  I was excited.  A few days later, I saw this movie.  I was pissed.  Why?  Well, there's plenty of time to get into that.  I'd rather discuss the...screw it, let's just get right to the shit.  Get your Bat Shark Repellent for my review of...

The film begins with five minutes of random small-talk and confusing Editing.  Essentially, a trio of bikini-clad women make small talk on the edge of a beach.  The first sign of this movie's small budget- it takes place on a strip of beach that's about 20 feet long and has no other people.  In a bit of Flash Editing, we suddenly see the people die...sort of.

The narrative switches to a pair of busty Japanese girls (good), who mostly just make small talk (bad).  I guess we're going for the 'natural dialog' thing, huh?  One of them wanders about and meets the owner of the tiny motel (sign #2 of the small budget), while the other discovers a tape under the bed.  She proceeds to just watch the tape.  Yea.

The next forty or fifty minutes pretty much just focuses on this.  It randomly cuts from the footage of the tape and some new stuff.  Mostly, it's just confusing.  I confused the hell out of my poor brother who didn't have the good sense to leave the room while I was trying to make sense of this shit.  Oh look, something interesting!

Never mind- it was a dream.  Nothing to see here...sadly.

Finally, something interesting happens for real this time as our heroines are cornered by the killers.  Out of nowhere, a shark shows up.  Other than a shadow before the credits and that fake-out above, this is his first appearance- 60 minutes into the film.  Sadly, the 3-D shark from Back to the Future, Part II looks more realistic!  In fact...

The shark attacks...sort of and suddenly jumps into the air.  Why?  How?  Who cares- something is freaking happening!  Give me something good, movie!

One of the women trips and seems to be in trouble.  Incoming!

You'd better move.  That thing is coming down.  Ooops- it's too late.  Now you're dead and...the movie is over.  65 minutes and this movie is over?  Bullshit!

I'd rather watch you watch this movie!  The plot of this movie...is not much of a plot.  It's too short films kind of squeezed together.  What's the point of this mess?  I mean, the plot is a trio of women go to a strip of beach...and get killed, I think.  One of them is definitely-killed, but the others...maybe are.  It's hard to be specific in regards to a movie that is so damn vague!  They think that Editing the movie in a flashy and confusing way, their movie is 'cool.'  It's not.  It just pisses me off.  A stupid, simple plot like this should be rendered so incomprehensible!  Nothing happens for about an hour and when it finally happens, it's goofy as hell!  On top of that, the silly scene just ends in a dark, abrupt manner...and then the movie ends.  You can't just do that, can you?  The bottom line- no matter how you feel, don't watch this movie!  It's awful.  It hurts.  It makes me want to question every awesome poster I see for the rest of my life.  I'll see a silly poster and go 'Yeah, it's probably just another piece of shit like Jaws in Japan.'  Way to ruin things for me!  Now there's the question of what I do with the DVD, since I, you know, own it.  For now, I'm just going to go in my room and do this...

Next up, the British give us a shitty, slasher film.  Good to see that you make it too, I guess.  Stay tuned...

Quick Thoughts: Paranormal Activity 2

I told myself that I'd put off the over-hyped or super attention-getting films for a while, but I still decided to see this film.  Did I make a mistake?  Should I have watched the original first?  Let's see...

Just to note: this will be as SPOILER-free as possible.

Good
* If you love jump scares, this film has plenty.  It may sound like I'm being sarcastic, but I'm not.
* If you really enjoy the 'real family' atmosphere, the film also has that in spades.
* Some of the dramatic moments near the end are handled well (i.e. the scene with the girl and the stairs).
* Tying it to the original film- via the original cast appearing- does make it feel less like a rehash than I thought it would.  However, that also presents some problems...

Bad
* Tying the two films together in the way they do, creates some serious confusion.  Is this film a sequel?  Because it starts out as a prequel, runs parallel to the other film and then becomes a sequel at the end?
* Speaking of which, the husband makes a 'Release the Kraken' joke.  I'm probably the only one who cares about this thing, but it creates an obvious issue: the story takes place in 2006!  Don't try to be topical!
* All of the 'fake-out' scares early on are obvious.  Who would fall for those?
* What was the point of the ghost/demon locking out the daughter and then doing nothing?  They're called PLOT POINTS for a reason.
* The movie is awkwardly-squeezed together with the other one.  It's point: to cover the unexplained points in the original film.
* I won't say more about it, but I will say this: the ending is stupid.  It happens and you just go 'that was dumb!'

Overall, it's not a terrible movie.  The biggest problem is that it doesn't have its own identity.  You can't watch this film on its own.  A sequel is not meant to be a conjoined twin!   It doesn't exactly reinvent the wheel either.

Of course, those people who really love this movie won't care what other people think.  At least we can agree with each other.

Instant Alien Trash: Infected (2008)

Bugs- can't live with 'em, can't live with 'em burrowing in your chest.  This 2008 'thriller' involves possibly the most cookie-cutter plot thrown together.  It's like someone stole the drafts from about seven or eight horror film scrips and made one.  The result: a film about bugs from outer space that trick you into drinking water.  Fortunately for us, a reporter who covers silly, alien stories is on the case to save the day.  Along the way, a pair of actors who used to have the ability to say 'No' to scripts like this show up.  If you love intrigue and especially love films that are in love with themselves, read further.  Otherwise, keep reading to see me ridicule this generic mess.  Use your hand sanitizer before we meet up with the...

The film begins with an ad for a company that is providing the United States with clean, fresh water.  Rip-off #1: The Stuff (just replace the water with a whipped topping).  The problem facing the United States- but specifically Boston, as the film says- is a plague that is affecting humans adversely.  A plague designed to cover an alien invasion?  That covers about six or seven major films from the science fiction genre, so let's just cover it as Rip-Off #2-8.  After this a woman breaks into the company's building to uncover a secret of theirs.  She comes across a group of plants that are black, pulling one just before a light turns the rest of them green to disguise them.  This building reminds a hell of a lot of the dome from The X-Files: Fight the Future, so let's call that Rip-Off #9.  The woman gets attacked by a group of men, managing to fend off a bunch of them.  The last guy gets her down & she cuts the man's face with a knife, revealing his alien face.  Aliens in skin masks?  Do I even need to explain this one?  Let's just lump it in as Rip-Off #10-14.  The guy who was talking to the woman on the radio is still loose and wants to get real proof for his story.  He calls a reporter- also the film's heroine- and calls her over to give her 'the scoop of a lifetime.'  He has her wait in her office while he goes down and shoots the Mayor, who bleeds black blood.  Is the alien blood color thing enough to warrant another addendum?

In the film's other plot- that does eventually synch up- a man (Gil Bellows) on the Mysteries of Science beat for his paper is bored and wants something real.  He talks to his boss (Isabella Rossellini), who proceeds to give him a long, pretentious answer for why people read his crap.  This plot point amounts to nothing, so let's move on.  He starts investigating the story about the aliens when the man from earlier goes to him.  He tells him all about the alien conspiracy with the water and food, but our hero is skeptical.  The guy's real motive: getting our hero to pass this on to the woman from earlier.  That's right- our hero is just the middle-man!  The guy gets shot by the Police, setting up an Inspector's sub-plot.  A random law enforcement officer getting involved in the conspiracy unraveling, you say?  I can't think of the movie, but I know this counts for at least one- making it Rip-Off #15.  Oh yeah, the reporter that has to uncover the secret conspiracy- let's throw that one in as Rip-Off #16-20.  Things reach the point where the duo are confronted by Rossellini, who turns out to be an alien.  Rip-Off #21- Invasion of the Body Snatchers.  She's a humanoid bug, so let's throw in Rip-Off #22- Mimic.  Fortunately, the weird, homeless-looking guy from earlier (Judd Nelson) is also an alien, but he's good.  I won't even dignify that cliche with a number.  Oh, alright.  Rip-Off #23- V.

As it turns out, the solution to the problem lies inside of our hero.  He has the DNA mutation that makes him inhospitable for the alien spores.  By the way, the aliens leave spores in your chest and grow out as larvae.  It's all very gross and done in a cheap, cheap way.  I should note that they kill off Rossellini here for no reason- they just do.  Our hero's friend gets captured by the aliens and used as bait.  The Inspector follows them, but still does little.  The pair are captured until Nelson shows up.  We are treated to tone of the silliest fights ever as the aliens fight using 'super-speed.'  It's lame, but it does rid us of Judd Nelson.  The friend and our hero escape, aided by the Inspector.  He gets shot, but this allows them time to get away.  The pair go back to the lab, but can't get the information they need from there in time.  You see, the other guy is already infected with the bugs.  They go back to the other lab- why the pointless side-trip?- but the guy dies from...um, death.  The heroine, meanwhile, is infected as well and remains captured.  Our hero sneaks back in with his secret weapon: his infectious blood.  He learns that his body not only rejects, but kills the spores- something that was kind of obvious.  He kills all of the spores in the host bodies by mixing his blood into the IVs and blows up the villain with some science crap.  By the way, worst CG bug alien ever!  The film ends with our heroes going cross-country to take out the other labs.

I've got the cure- apathy!  The plot of this movie is so generic that it kind of hurts.  Did you guys have anything new to bring to the table?  Hell, it's so generic that I got tired of pointing out how generic it is!  The aliens are interesting in theory, but feel more like the ape-aliens from Godzilla vs. Gigan than anything cool.  I know what they were going for, but they failed!  The film has a sub-par plot, so it has to fall back on the effects.  Yeah, about those...they aren't that great.  Some of the 'bug under the skin' bits are neat, but even that is over-used.  Don't look too hard for the shot on the cover, as that is barely-represented with a cheap shot of the guy wearing a 'monster glove.'  There CG model of the villain in full-alien form is especially cheap-looking too.  When I see CG models that don't cast shadows and look like effects out of commercials, I know what kind of crap I'm seeing.  The film tries to compensate with lots of blood and make-up work, but it's not enough.  So what do we have?  A generic film with no interesting leads and sub-par everything.  That's a hard sell.

Next up, a film that I did a Blind Buy on.  What's Japanese for 'waste of a disc' again?  Stay tuned...

Poor Bastards of Cinema: The Zodiac Killer (1971)

This little 'gem' is notable for a couple reasons.  For one, it was made to creepily-exploit the actual murders done in San Francisco.  Mostly though, it's an excuse for random killing.

In fact, we literally get our first Poor Bastard of Cinema before the credits start.  In broad daylight, a woman is stabbed to death!  Her blood drips onto the sidewalk, leading to the title card/picture.  It has no point, by the way.

The second comes literally two minutes later.  A man is sitting in his car reading a book with an ironic title...

Hey look- he's got a guest.  I wonder what's going to happen?

Good job- you're dead.  Way to have no peripheral vision!

Next up, a film about a giant reptile.  Somehow, this involves a kid dying in a dramatic way and nobody seeming to care.  Stay tuned...

Rip-Off Cinema?: Hitcher in the Dark

You just wanted to pretend to rip-off a bad movie?  The movie The Hitcher is famous for being made for Showtime and actually deemed too violent to air.  On top of that, it has a sequel (which is mostly a rehash), a remake and an Asylum rip-off.  As a bonus, the film's production company had a famous man on the board: George W. Bush.  Yes, this movie was produced by a company with a future President on board!  Speaking that movie, this movie wants you to think it's related to it.  It's not.  This 1989 has both jack and shit to do with the 1986 slasher film.  Instead, we get a guy who kind of looks like Tom Cruise torturing a woman while her boyfriend looks for her.  Yeah, that's nothing like the other film.  Maybe there's something worth salvaging here though.  Get out your flashlight and shotgun for our meeting with the...

The film begins with a random girl being picked up by a guy in an RV.  Things seem nice until the movie awkwardly cuts to him suddenly killing her that night.  He dumps the body in a swamp- which doesn't seem geographically-possible- as some stock footage of an alligator eats it.  In the context of the film, the suddenness of this kill makes absolutely no sense.  It's nice of a film to immediately fail to meet expectations though, huh?  After this, he drives the RV to a campsite where a bunch of people are partying.  In particular, a young blonde is dancing around, causing our guy to leer at her through the window.  For a serial killer, you sure do act very suspicious!  The guy and girl have a fight in the bar as, again, the guy leers in a suspicious manner.  She ends up taking a ride with him out of spite and to get way from the boyfriend.   He starts to act creepy and she wants out, until the boyfriend drives nearby.  Incidentally, the boyfriend here is played by Jason Saucier, who was also the boyfriend in Contamination .07 aka Troll 3.  So, as you see, his career had nowhere to go but down from here!  Our villain decides to keep the blond, something that she doesn't not seem to be on the same page about.

The middle portion of the movie is basically just a bunch of scenes of the villain being creepy and weird.  Other than some scenes of the boyfriend looking for her, that's about all you get.  They almost never leave the RV too, which I'm sure saved on the budget!  We find out that his mother is the most important person to him and that he hates his father.  One night/day (who can tell with all of the windows covered), he knocks her out, dies her hair brown and cuts it to be like his mother.  *cough*Psycho*cough*  She gets over this fairly-easily and actually tries to get along with him.  I guess you don't have to be Swedish to get Stockholm Syndrome!  She even invites him to have sex with her.  Good-bye, logic!  When he, um, can't stay up to the task, he beats her up and she feels bad.  Huh?  The guy keeps looking for her, but has no luck.  Eventually, the guy agrees to let the girl go after his birthday party (just go with it).  Yeah, he lies and she's shocked.

Finally, shit actually starts to really happen to move the plot forward!  The bad guy gets more aggressive, since the girl saw the photos he took of previous girls that he killed.  By the way, he never cut or died their hair because...um, he didn't.  We learn that his mother left the family for a tennis instructor (how cliche!), so he blames the father.  The boyfriend finally finds the RV in the most convoluted manner possible.  The girl floods the engine by trying to run it, so the guy leaves her locked up.  A guy breaks in and steals her Walkman & later tries to sell it to the boyfriend.  He is led back to the RV and...gets caught in five minutes.  The villain taunts and tortures him for a bit.  To make things really odd, this whole scene takes place at a Drive-In that is playing an Italian caveman comedy from six years earlier.  More on that later though.  Eventually, he kills the boyfriend and thinks that he killed her, dumping the body in an auto yard.  He returns home to his rich life as the son & later goes back on the road.  He picks up a new victim, only for it to turn out to be the girl.  Despite a long amount of time going by, she still has the same haircut.  She pulls a gun on him and shoots him, causing the movie to awkwardly-Freeze Frame the ending.

Don't pick me up!  The plot of this movie starts out strong, but quickly peters out.  With only one victim and killer, the movie either suffers or succeeds based on the strength of those involved.  As you probably guessed, it fails.  The killer is not terrible, but he stays in the same, monotone delivery for almost the entire time.  I'm fairly-sure that he was only cast based on his likeness to Tom Cruise.  Incidentally, how come we never got to see him pull off a role like this until Collateral?  The actress is not good, never quite seeming upset enough at her situation.  She manages to cry on cue a couple of times, but it's too little, too late.  Ultimately, this movie will disappoint a lot of people due to its lackadaisical pace, sub-par acting and small body count.  Nothing really stands out too much here.  It just kind of is there.  You can do worse, but you can also do better.

Next up, Instant Trash brings us a movie that we've totally never seen before.  Aliens have arrived on Earth and are taking our place- shocking!  Stay tuned...

Instant '80s Trash: Ghost Warrior (aka Swordkill)

Time keeps on flipping, flipping, flipping, into the future.  Do you like samurai films?  I sure do.  Do you like films by Charles Band?  There's usually something about them that I like, even if they are goofy as hell.  So what happens when the two meet?  We got a film with one title that was released in 1984 and the same film released under a different title in 1986.  This is confusing.  The story involves a Samurai who gets frozen in ice and woken up in the present day.  Oh look- you're ripping off Captain America.  After Doctor Mordrid, I'm not surprised.  The most interesting part here is actually how the star became famous about a decade later for something else...and then got famous on the Internet about another decade after that.  Is the film good though?  Read the subtitle to this review and then ask the question again.  Get out your spare scabbards as we go to see the...

The film begins in Feudal Japan with a woman being led as a prisoner through the snow.  A stereotypical Samurai rides around in pursuit of her.  He eventually finds her and does battle with the men.  By the way, this whole portion has no Subtitles, despite all of the dialog being in Japanese.  I'll give you guys credit for not doing the dialog in English, but I take it all away for giving us no clue what is being said!  The woman ends up being stabbed and the guy get shot with an arrow.  He fall dramatically into a river and gets frozen.  In the present day, his body is discovered by two Japanese hikers in a cave.  How did it get into a cave?  That's a good question, actually!  The body gets shipped to America where it is being thawed out for study.  A lady explains via narration that she was called in because she's an expert in Asian Studies.  Make note of that for later.  After a lot of dramatic build-up, the guy is unfrozen and alive.  No, they don't explain why that works- it just does!

Problems arise when nobody can understand what the guy is saying.  Our expert in Asian Studies proves to be useless in this regard.  Thank God you called her in!  In fact, it's only two days later that someone in the building gets a book of Japanese words and phrases.  You are the dumbest smart people ever!  They make up the guy's room in the typical style of his day, but trouble brews when a guard decides to steal the guy's sword.  Yeah, he dies.  The samurai is loose in the city, an act which the police don't believe.  They do, however, believe in the dead body on the floor, so our leads are questioned.  In the city, the Samurai stops a gang of men from beating an old, black man.  They flee after he kills two of them and de-arms a third.  Yeah, you ran at a guy with a sword and expected what to happen exactly?  The old guy is grateful and takes the Samurai to a Sushi Bar.  Unfortunately, the staff there don't speak his dialect and prove to be no help.  The gang attacks again, leading to more deaths.  Sadly, one of them is the old man.  The Samurai leaves one of his blades with the man, which is a symbol of honor and respect.  That would be very touching...in another movie.

All of this has been building up to one thing: the lead scientist guy turning 'heel.'  It's just another 'he's so obsessed with science that he'll do anything' story.  Our heroes foolishly leave the Samurai alone, especially considering that the one person who can actually talk to him goes too!  Good grief!  The guy is captured and taken down the highway towards the lab.  He escapes, however, fleeing into the woods with our heroine.  They find a convenient horse and we get hints of the movie's plot looping.  While the police chase them- guided by the now-evil scientist- the movie reminds of this parallel constantly!  We get it!  Sure enough, the Samurai is shot to death by the cops after killing the scientist.  Where did that river come from again?  With that bleak action, the film ends.

Un-freeze me when this gets good!  The plot is alright, but thinks that it is more clever than it is.  It's a simple plot and nothing more.  The biggest problem is the pacing.  The film starts out strong, but gets bogged down in the middle.  It's one of those guys with skinny heads, but really fat bodies.  You can't see the problem right away, but it becomes apparent soon enough!  The flashbacks are random and just serve to pad the film out further.  For example, one scene involves our heroine serving the guy tea.  This immediately reminds him of a scene where his wife/girlfriend does so.  At another point, he just sees a tea leaf and has the same flashback!  The ending of the film is especially-guilty of this trope.  More importantly, it talks down to us.  It says 'Hey, look- it's the same thing!  Do you get it?  Do you get it?'  Yes, we get it.  It's really not clever, but we get it.  The film is passable, but adds nothing to the world of cinema.  After all of that, why should you recognize the lead actor?  He's more famous for playing Segata Sanshiro in the series of Dreamcast ads in Japan!  Look them on YouTube and enjoy the randomness of them.  They're far more funny than this film is, sadly.

Next up, an Italian film is a rip-off in name only of a controversial film.  It does feature rape, murder and a caveman film though.  Stay tuned...

Lost in Translation: Airport '70

Airports- we all love to be in them.  Airport disasters- we all love to see films about them.  Well, we did for about a ten year period anyways.  Here's the foreign poster to the original...

Death, I wouldn't have gone with that new tattoo.  It just makes you look desperate.

Where is the plane, by the way?

Next up, a famous drama about seeing life from afar comes to foreign shores.  The result: a fancy-looking poster that means nothing.  Stay tuned...

Import/Export: Forbidden City Cop

If the city was so forbidden, how did so many people get in?!?  Stephen Chow is an interesting case of getting famous fairly-late in your career.  Much like Jackie Chan, Jet Li or Sammo-Hung before him, Chow made a whole slew of films in his native land before his cartoony-action/comedy Kung Fu Hustle became a hit in the states.  It was his Rumble in the Bronx, basically.  Fans of his earlier films were not surprised by this movie, but we in the States sure were!  Who was this crazy man who made a martial arts film with a Bug Bunny sensibility to it?  However, like I said, it's easy to see it when you look at his early stuff.  When I first joined Netflix in July 2005- after I got a job, basically- I was drawn in by the chance to weird foreign films and the like.  This would be one of them and it's a great example why the service is handy.  Where's my residual money, Netflix?  Seriously though, this is a weird and quirky film.  In it, Chow plays a man who prefers gadgets over martial-arts, making him stick out like a sore thumb in this Wuxia era.  I suspect that his quirkiness will come in handy later and may even save the day.  Let's find out, shall we?  Get out your cart license as we get stopped by the...

The film sets the tone early on with an introductory scene involving some stock Wuxia characters meeting on a roof to 'duel like true warriors.'  Chow shows up with an anachronistic-looking flashlight of sorts to break up the fight.  Why?  Because they might mess up the tile on the roofs.  The men scoff at him and leap away, disappearing in true 'super Chinese hero' fashion.  He, naturally, slips off the roof.  This leads into a silly James Bond-style intro, complete with shadows and women (see above).  One of them even gets offended at Chow's silhouette, so he crushes her like a bug.  In the actual film, the Emperor of the titular city calls in his four Elite Guards.  They each show off their kung-fu skills, complete with back-flipping, sword-fighting and all of the appropriate flexing.  Chow is last and tumbles with all the grace of, well, me.  He shows off his devices- including a fan blade and a gun prototype- but none of them work quite right.  Through some clunky exposition, we learn that he's in the Guard because of his family name/history.  Thankfully, his wife appreciates him.  This is especially true after he puts a rat-powered motor in their bed that thrusts his hips for him.  No, really.  Trouble looms, however, as some evil plans to strike at the Emperor!

The Emperor goes out on a jaunt in the woods, accompanied by all of his best men.  Translation: Chow is stuck at home.  It's okay, because he's out shopping in the Market with his lady.  In the woods, the men are attacked by the henchmen of the film's no-face villain.  In a weird bit of dark humor, the movie cuts away just at the moment where the heroes are about to die- i.e. by decapitation- and cut to something 'ironic'- i.e. a man cutting open a watermelon.  If you're looking for a tone, it's...a bit random.  Later that night, Chow is invited to an event for all of the doctors in the area.  By the way, Chow was given the job as an OBGYN as pity- ha ha.  When the men look gather, they are treated to a medical marvel- an alien body ready for autopsy!  Yeah, I bet you didn't see that coming!  While the men stare in wonder, villains are slowly-killing them all.  Again- random tone.  After a lot of teasing, Chow stops before the scalpel comes down, which is good because the 'alien' was actually the Emperor in a suit.  That's a very obtuse plan, huh?  You could have killed him, but you drugged him and put him in a suit, so that doctors would do an autopsy on him- killing him- and then they would kill the doctors?  Huh?!?  In a serious of comedy bits, Chow uses his inventions- which he took with him for no clear reason- to save the day.  His next job: find the Emperor some hot tail!

The movie really feels like two screenplays put together at this point, but that doesn't necessarily make it bad.  Chow romances a hot prostitute under the pretense of getting her for the Emperor, since his giant harem is full of 'ugly women.'  More wacky comedy ensues, but something serious does too.  Chow turns on his wife and leaves her for the women in a very dramatic scene.  His plot is revealed to the Emperor, who is not pleased.  However, this is all a ruse to catch the woman.  Why?  It's simple: she's the no-face villain in disguise!  Dun dun obvious!  Our heroes revel in their victory, even stopping the narrative dead to give out awards for acting in the dinner scene.  No, really.  Chow is upset when he doesn't win Best Actor, but the father-in-law does.  The humor is broken up, however, as the villain breaks free for one big fight.  Chow's box of tools is blown up via kung-fu power, so it's time for Plan B.  The villain shows off his ability to redirect energy through his punches before Chow's transvestite brother shows up.  Are you surprised by this point?  The guy/girl wraps the villains in chains as part of a plan to have lightning strike him.  It doesn't work, however, as it just ends in Chow being zapped.  The lightning doesn't kill him, but instead redirects his Chi to make him a super-fighter, allowing him to kill the villain and save the day.  The End.

Long live the Emperor...'s guard.  The plot of this movie is silly and a bit bipolar.  Like I said before, it does feel like two screenplays got mixed together at times.  Ultimately, the film does come together, but it's just weird.  The mix of humor and the dark stuff is certainly odd too.  I liked the final product, even if it is freaky and random.  I love the quirky bits and it all feels pretty real.  Mind you, a lot of it is certainly goofy as hell!  It all fits into the reality of the film though.  Of course, the bit where they stop to give each other acting awards is just kind of random...and awesome.  You certainly have to be in the right frame of mind for the film though, as it is not going to be for everyone.  If you like the silly stuff mixed with some randomly-dark stuff, you'll love this movie.  Unlike a lot of foreign comedies, the humor is broad enough to cross cultural bounds.  Plus, Chow is funny and irreverent.  It's rare that I say this: this movie does not suck.

Up next, Instant Trash returns with an '80s film about samurais and cops.  On the plus side, it's star has since become an ironic, internet celebrity.  Stay tuned...