Lost in Translation: Raiders of the Lost Ark

Indiana Jones is a character with a rich film history and a big box office gross to his name.  Naturally, this led to a trippy, Polish poster...

....okay then.  I guess they're trying to replicate the scene where the guy is shot full of arrows.  Of course, if Jones had been shot full of arrows, this would have been a damn short franchise!

By the way, nice use of color, guys.

Next up, a famous film by David Fincher gets the LiT treatment.  It's very...well, red.  Stay tuned...

Lock Me Up!: H.G. Wells' War of the Worlds

Yet again, The Asylum strikes!  This film comes to us from 2005, the same year that Steven Spielberg and Tom Cruise put out their remake of the classic H.G. Wells novel-turned-film from the '50s.  Naturally, the company wanted a piece of that sweet, sweet movie money and made their own film.  Fun fact: this is actually the film that initially made me aware of The Asylum.  I saw this in a video store and said 'Wow- that DVD is out fast.  Hey, wait a minute...'  I bet that helps explain my disdain for this company, huh?  Anyhow, their version of the film stars C. Thomas Howell, Jake Busey (barely) and a host of shitty CG.  Ah shitty CG, how you're so readily available in every Asylum film.  Will this film live up to it's Hollywood counterpart?  Ha ha ha.  Oh wait, I was being serious.  Yeah, it doesn't.  Let's take a look anyways though.  Get out your deus ex nothing for my review of...

The film begins with a long credit sequence that appears to be out of a bad, 'Wing Commander' sequel.  Within two minutes of the film (counting these credits), we get tits.  Wow, you guys work almost as fast as Zombie Lake!  Said tits come from the wife of C. Thomas Howell's character, a woman so important that she won't be seen after the next ten minutes.  Howell is a scientist for NASA who is supposed to go on a trip with the family to Washington D.C., but work calls him in.  He promises to see the family the next morning in the city.  Say good-bye to the family, viewers!  His actual trip to work is so unimportant we see none of it and, instead, skip to his trip that night to D.C.  Along the way, his car stops working, so he wanders around as a meteor crashes into the Earth.  The people wander over to see it, while another man apparently found a way to fall into the newly-formed crater.  Good job, Mr. Bean!  The movie wastes a couple minutes watching him yell as a glowing light attacks him to reveal...a barely-visible CG land-crawler.  Kudos to disguising your shitty effects with a lack of lighting.  Next you're going to just play the sound effects instead of actually showing them.  Oh wait, they don't do that until later.

Our hero manages to run away as the ship blasts people into skeletons.  Odd how the skeletons jump away from the camera after the body is destroyed.  He goes back home to get some supplies, meeting up with a neighbor.  Hey, good to see you.  I'm sorry to see that you'll die off-screen, pal.  What was the point of this scene, other than to establish some minor pathos later?  He goes into the city and meets up with a guy from the military.  He's the slightly tougher-looking version of Suddenly Susan star David Strickland (obscure reference for the win!) and proves to be chatty.  Since our hero has all of the personality of an undercooked ham, I welcome him.  We also meet Jake Busey in the first of his two scenes.  His role: being a complete asshole.  Good to know that you can get roles where you don't even have to act.  Our heroes flee from another attack which happens in slightly-more light than before.  The pair get split up and Howell escapes in a motor-less boat that just sort of moves itself.  He's saved by a priest (played by the Van Helsing guy from Dracula's Curse) who seems hopeful and optimistic.  The pair wander around for a bit, passing by a crashed ship.  This is a reference to the ship attack from Spielberg's film...which they were too cheap to shoot.  Lame!

The aliens prove formidable, taking out more military men with their ships and a new weapon: fart gas.  Okay, it's just green, but you get my point.  The priest has a breakdown before he dies in a silly moment (see the newest Deep Blue Sea Moment of Cinema), leaving our hero to wander around on his own.  Who does he run into?  His old army buddy, who apparently survived the entire city being destroyed in a ball of fire.  He tries to get Howell to join up with him and Busey.  Jake is not exactly keen to the idea, opting instead to just shoot the guy in the head.  Howell retaliates by hitting the man with a rock once, which apparently kills him.  His men, of course, just walk off and barely react.  Alone again, Howell wanders into a destroyed Washington D.C.  That sight would be more impressive had I not logged 50+ hours in 'Fallout 3.'  He begs for death by taunting an alien walker, only to learn that it's dead.  In fact, all of them are dying.  Why?  The movie never says.  I guess they figured that if they said 'germs killed them,' they would be sued.  Their answer: 'I don't know- maybe it was the germs or the atmosphere or something.'  Lame.  Oh yeah, Howell's family is alive and all is well.  The End.

This movie sucks!  The plot is pretty minimalist: Howell has to get past the aliens to find his family.  You couldn't give me any more than that, huh?  This probably goes without saying but the special effects here are bad.  The ships appear to be made out of terrazzo, which is kind of odd.  It's not exactly sinister or ominous, guys!  Oh yeah, the acting is pretty bad here too.  Given that the film's two biggest 'stars' are Howell and Gary Busey's kid, is this really a shocker?  Ultimately, this film just fails for some pretty basic reasons.  The film just can't match the scale, power or atmosphere of Spielberg's film or the Cold War mystique of the original film.  Hell, it certainly does nothing to match the (alleged or otherwise) hysteria of the original radio broadcast.  So what does it have to really offer?  Ooh, I can answer that- nothing!  Random boobs.

Next up, The Asylum brings us the sequel to this film...a good three years later.  As a bonus, this film is also directed by C. Thomas Howell- the horror.  Stay tuned...

VHS For The Win: Project Metalbeast

This movie's goofy premise has been a favorite of mine for years.  A werewolf is accidentally given bullet-proof skin in a military experiment.  How do they sell this movie?

Oh shit, the beast is in 3-D...and his forced-perspective is very confusing.  Oh right- scary, scary.

Up next, a woman learns that a wall ornament can be a dangerous thing.  That thing means business!  Stay tuned...

Lock Me Up!: The 7 Adventures of Sinbad

A whole week of Asylum films.  Seven days.  Seven films.  Seven different ways to drive myself to drink heavily.  Why do I do these things to myself?  No, seriously- I'm asking you!  The first one to come is one of the few that I managed to trick my friends (and fellow members) into watching with you.  Ha- the joke is on you!  This movie alleges to be a 'modern day update' on the classic Sinbad tale.  What is it really?  A bad, sci-fi film that makes The Golden Voyage of Sinbad (aka the one with the monkey) look like The Lord of the Rings (not animated).  Unfortunately, that leaves this film looking like, well, The Lord of the Rings (animated).  I hope you like terrible acting, terrible special effects and the sad state of Bo Svenson's career.  Seriously, he still acts...as much as he ever did.  Expectations low enough yet?  Get out your conservationist squid for my review of...

The film begins with a group of people on a ship being taken over by pirates.  Bear in mind that the ship is a giant tanker and the pirates approach on a single boat, but, whatever.  The takeover gets the attention of the company that owns the ship, a group owned by Adrian Sinbad.  Yes, they go with that name.  His co-owner is a Dick Cheney figure played by Bo, who doesn't do much.  Sinbad goes to pay off the terrorists, but has a back-up plan: a single pistol in his case.  That would be great...if there wasn't about a dozen armed people to face off with.  He flies over in a helicopter, accompanied by some men and his executive secretary of sorts.  Oh yeah, he's going in person too- dumb-ass.  The trip is interrupted by the sudden arrival of a giant squid that attacks the tanker, pulling it down to the bottom of the ocean.  Yes, screw physics of mass and weight!  A massive storm also comes up, causing the helicopter to crash.  Our hero wakes up on the beach and is attacked by...a CG crab with no eyes.  Seriously, how did you guys not give the thing eyes?  This leads to some of the silliest lines ever uttered in cinematic history: "Crab!  Big crab!"

Just think about that for a minute before we move on...

The whole crab scene has no bearing on the plot and is never mentioned again, making it, you guessed it, A Big-Lipped Alligator Moment.  He joins up with his former allies and...survivors of the ship that was pulled down to the sea.  How did you escape again?  They run into a jungle woman...who is very white.  You're not even trying are you, movie?  The group gets attacked by flying dinosaurs (get used to that this week) causing them to flee into a cave.  In it, they run into a poorly-rendered Cyclops.  Yeah, it just happens to live there.  Sinbad blinds it with a stick and, get this, waves at it to get its attention.  Ugh.  They kill it with a conveniently-placed stalagmite.  Apparently forgetting about the aerial threat, they go back outside (despite the earlier cave-in), leading to a silly reveal: the island is alive!  It swims away, leading to shots of the people falling just off-camera into water (get used to that too).  They manage to make it to another island, where they run afoul of tribal woman of the ethnic variety.  Proving that this film hates me, my joking suggestion that these were snake women is actually true.  This leads to the executive secretary lady dying in a stupid way...off-camera.  You must have pissed off the director, honey!  The group is saved by the warrior woman killing the evil snake women, but things aren't over yet.

Basically, we pissed off Mother Nature.  How?  Well, that tanker is on the bottom of the ocean and leaking oil, driving the Earth to lash out.  Just to note: the squid brought it down, not man!  A series of storms and earthquakes strike the mainland, allowing The Asylum to re-use some footage of the damaged buildings from Monster.  Stop reminding me of that stupid, piece of shit movie!  During Sinbad's time away, Bo took over the company.  This goes nowhere, since the guy sort of renegs on his control before meeting his fate.  Okay, here's the short wrap-up.  The group runs afoul of a cult, a shoot-out occurs and they end up going into a volcano.  Basically, they need these magic crystals will allow them to escape and save the day.  Sinbad is lowered down by the girl and pulls the gems from the wall, but is interrupted by...THE DEVIL!  Seriously, they just kind of stole the Devil model from Doctor Who and stuck it in here.  This thing does nothing and is seemingly-killed alongside Sinbad when the girl detonates the roof.  Of course, Sinbad survives by...um, being the hero.  They use the orbs to power a hot air balloon (great magic) and take a ship back to the mainland.  Bo decides to leave the safety of a building and gets killed by a typhoon while Sinbad and the girl go down to recover the tanker.  Can either of them really operate this machine?  No.  They try to recover the ship, but get stopped by the squid.  When it sees them suck up some oil, however, it leaves and they save the day.  The End.

This movie sucks...but I can't help but laugh.  The plot is stupid as hell, since it's an Asylum film.  The whole idea of putting Sinbad in a modern setting could work...if it's not an Asylum film.  Since the film can't overcome that glaring handicap, it's pretty much doomed.  The budget is super-small, the CG model work is bad and they can't hire good actors.  The lead is very forgettable and seems like the guy you hire when you can't get Lorenzo Llamas.  Mind you, that guy's probably not here since he was off filming some movie about a NAVY Seal who must battle giant cuttlefish or something.  The only amusing actor is the black Pirate Leader, since, as one of the other viewers noted, his acting consists of making angry faces at the camera.  It's The Rock School of Acting at its finest!  This movie is terrible, but it is hilarious to watch.  Aside from the crab scene, you have Sinbad waving at the blind Cyclops, the random dinosaurs and the whole thing with the magic gems.  There's also the random stuff like the guy who picks up Sinbad locking him in the cargo hold and ignoring his cries to look for the girl.  Literally a minute later (in screen time), he pops back in and says something along the lines of 'Come on out- we found the woman.'  It's truly a face-palm moment.  If you want to laugh at utter shit (hello, my core audience), you'll like this.  It's not good, but that's what makes it fun to laugh at.

Up next, Part 1 of a 2 Part look at the only real series of note put out by The Asylum.  If an alien shows up when nobody is watching, does it still make you turn into a pile of bones?  Stay tuned...

Instant Trash: Vampire Conspiracy

Wow- just wow.  Did you ever watch Cube and say 'I wish that this was done on a super-tiny budget.  Oh yeah, I also like vampires- could you work those in for me too?'  No?  That was just me?  Okay, I guess so.  Vampire Conspiracy is a knock-off of Cube with a dash of Saw II, The House on Haunted Hill and Dracula thrown in.  Rhyme and reason don't really factor in that much here, so don't expect much of it.  Basically, a group of people end up in a twisted game of life and death.  Of course, more importantly, you should know that the film was made in 2005, but didn't get released until 2007!  Yeah, that's a bad sign, right?  Get out your magic doors for my review of...

The film begins with two guys running from something in a short corridor.  Get used to this location, since they clearly recycle it over and over again!  They discuss how to get away before a bunch of cheap-looking vampires come in.  They get cornered until the younger guy shoves the other man into the crow and runs off.  His trip is short-lived, however, as he is confronted by a more effete vampire and killed.  After the credits, we find...a group of people trapped in a room.  They spend roughly ten minutes arguing with each other and bitching.  Basically, they don't know each other, where they are or how they got there.  One of those assessments will seem silly soon enough.  After a bit of this, the effete vampire shows up.  He explains that he's a 250+ year-old vampire from France who has a problem with society.  To that end, he grabs random people, puts them in a maze and lets his vampire minions loose to kill them.  This leads to some 'oh no, you won't' and 'we'll stop you' that amounts to nothing.  Good- I was hoping you could be more pointless here.  Time to run.

Our heroes do their best to fend off the vampire horde and...actually do a pretty good job.  These guys are more of a pushover than the first guy to run at Bruce Lee in a fight scene.  In the next room, our heroes learn that they actually have a shared experience.  You see, one of them was a cop whose partner was killed in a drug bust.  One of the others is the brother of a drug dealer killed in this bust.  Yet another person in the group lost his daughter in the ensuing shoot-out.  Another person still worked as the lawyer for the drug dealer.  This revelation feels really stupid, unless you expect us to believe that they had their minds wiped or something.  'Oh yeah, I remember how you totally shot my brother- it just took a moment.'  Naturally, this leads to more bickering and fighting.  As a bonus, each room they go to has a message on it.  This apparently relates to some sort of biblical message.  Anyone care?

Do you really care all that much about what happens from this point on?  I mean, really?!?  They fight vampires, people die and the whole thing wraps up.  Moving on with my life...

This movie sucks- pun intended!  The plot is ridiculous, involving a bunch of people stuck in the same series of rooms whilst chased by vampires.  Nothing really all that interesting happens, so this movie feels like an endurance test.  It's just bitching, a bit of plot and more bitching.  The actual vampire action you get is pretty sub-par, mainly consisting of waving crosses/sticks around and posturing.  It's a bit of disappointment when compared to, well, just about every other vampire film ever made.  These guys have the hand-eye coordination of those weird, green vampire guys from Blacula!  The acting is not good.  If you've seen any local playhouse perform a drama, you've seen the full range of these people.  Some of them seem earnest and really try, while others just play to stereotypes.  Speaking of which, our villain is about as stock as all get-out. On top of that, we don't even get the real camp value of a French-accented villain.  Unless you're scared of 'goth guys,' you'll have nothing to fear here.  A great example of what this film lacks: they can't even do the 'lif the guy up off of the ground' effect.  They try to, but just edit around it.  When you fail at something like that, you fail in general.  This project won't stay dead, it seems.  The film took two years to get released on DVD and a comic book spin-off appeared in another two years.  It's not interesting!  Let it go!

Up next, my true endurance test begins- a week of Asylum films.  First up, a film about (Adrian) Sinbad and his quest to save the world from CG monsters and Monster stock footage.  Stay tuned...

Forgotten Sequels: Scanners II

Who demanded this?  Who saw Scanners and said 'I'd like to see this again- only with less artistic merit and crappier writing'- honestly?  Never mind the fact that there are four sequels, but this happens to be the first one.  Made in Canada without Mr. Cronenberg around, the film suffers from a lot of problems.  I should also mention that nobody from the original is on-board here, although you probably guessed that.  This film involves a whole slew of scanners and a group that wants to use them for personal gain.  What- you thought that they would use psychic psychos to cure cancer or something?!?  Thankfully, one good scanner is there to save the day...if he can.  Get out your bizarre arcade game peripheral for my review of...

After a few minutes of credits, we come across a Bob Marley-looking guy wandering into an arcade.  Gee, that won't make this film dated at all!  He wanders around for a bit before he begins to play one of those shooting games with an Uzi peripheral.  Things get weirder still when he starts to play it...with his mind.  Yes, he uses his great, mental powers to play an arcade game.  Everyone gets freaked out, so he freaks out as well and runs off.  The police get called in, while a special unit listen in closely.  One captain calls in his own men to bring the guy down, since he's a scanner.  The guy throws a big hissy fit in a warehouse, knocking over shelves and mannequins.  No, they were too plastic to die!  They eventually take the guy down with some dart guns, leading him to the police station.  They interrogate him for a bit, but that just ends in him trying to scan a guy to death.  They begin to work him over, wearing him down until he becomes more pliable.  It's around this point that we finally meet our lead character.  Oh good, it's only been twenty minutes.  The lady from Psycho was already dead by this point, but whatever!  He's a veterinarian who has a nice lady friend, who he bonds with over working with a puppy.  We get some sappy romance before they eventually go to a convenience store.  It's at this point that some robbers show up.  Ruh roh!

The robbery goes very badly as his lady is held hostage and a pair of people are shot.  This angers our hero who uses his scanning powers to launch one of them across the room.  Um, that's not exactly scanning.  The second one nearly kills him, but his lady saves him.  This prompts the mugger to kick her, angering our hero even more!  He does some dramatic scanning to the point where the guy falls over dead & the back of his head blows out!  Wow, you really got mad.  In the aftermath, our hero is taken in by the police captain and guided in controlling his powers.  There's a bit of a tiff when he learns that the Bob Marley-looking guy works for them, but that blows over.  As time goes on, the villain begins to use our hero's powers to his advantage.  He tricks him into using his scanning powers to get the acting mayor to appoint the captain to a higher post.  Shockingly, the guy is just around the corner with an impromptu speech.  Wow, that's convenient.  Things seem to be going his way and nothing can put a stop to that....until I finish this review.

Things take a turn when our hero learns that he has a sister and that she is out there.  He makes an escape from the facility, which is certainly easier said than done.  He manages to track her down, which is not that interesting when you consider how little build-up there has been to it.  The guy finally decides to go after the captain and his army of scanners.  By all means, take action after he has a small army of scanners!  He makes an attack against the base, taking out one jerk of a scanner by simply running him over in a truck.  Simple, but effective.  He gets inside and takes out some more people before facing off with the Bob Marley-looking guy.  Things turn against our hero until he gives a big speech to the drugged-up scanners, causing them to turn against him.  The police surround the remaining villains are confronted by our hero.  His love interest is there, making it a party!  The press come in as well as our villain thinks that the day is won & talks about how the villains were caught.  This prompts our hero to scan the crap out of him until he admits to all of his crimes on camera.  He doesn't kill the guy- since that would be bad- but he does scan him to the point that he resembles the elephant man!  Oh well, you win and all is well.  The End.

This movie...is not good.  The plot is a bit silly and doesn't even seem to involve the main protagonist all that much.  Seriously, they take twenty minutes to introduce him.  Never mind the fact that he is bland as dirt and doesn't seem all that driven.  It's only when people beat up and/or threaten his loved ones that he really goes into action.  Of course, when he does go into action, he really overdoes it.  The guy really goes overboard every time he acts.  There are some good moments in the film, but they are really over-the-top.  Mind you, this movie is really hard to find, so I guess it's not much to worry about.  If you actually see it, you may have some fun with it.  If you like Scanners and can't laugh at crap, I can't recommend this to you.  If you qualify for this, I can't imagine why you would be a regular reader of the site.  In that case, 'Hi, nice to meet you.'

Up next, Instant Trash brings us a direct-to-video film that rips off Cube.  Oh, it's much different, since it involves a vampire.  Stay tuned...

'90s Trash: Digital Man

Robocop was a great movie.  The sequels did not live up to the original- nor did either show, as far as I can tell- but this didn't stop the wave of Robocop-lite films.  Remember that I'm one of the few people who's actually seen and reviewed Cyborg Cop 1 and 2 (or 3, depending the disc you get).  For the record, Cyborg Cop 3 is an unrelated film involving two cops battling robots with insect blood as fuel.  No, really.  This 1995 action film is another in the line of those kinds of films, although this one also manages to rip off stuff like Aliens and, to a certain extent, Alien Nation in the process.  The film stars a whole slew of people that either were famous at one point or never quite reached that level.  This includes Adam Baldwin (no relation) and Paul Gleason, aka the Principal from The Breakfast Club, among others.  This is just one of those films where everyone kind of looks like someone you might have seen in something else, but you just can't place it. In fact, that's probably a good comparison for the movie itself.  It's probably a film that's played on cable channels for the last ten plus years and we've all seen part of it, but never enough to remember it clearly.  Let me help you out then.  Get out your high-tech stun gun for my review of...

The film begins with a credit sequence full of very dated digital effects.  If you liked ReBoot, but wish that it was more low-res and generic, you're in luck here!  We're thrown right into a tense situation: terrorists have our nuclear launch codes!  No explanation to how they got them or what they plan to do with them, however, they just do!  The leader of a nearby military base (Baldwin) stretches protocol by calling in a D-1 unit to stop them.  This is the titular Digital Man, who is basically Robocop, but with an Australian man at the helm.  Take not of how his 'head' is never covered by a helmet.  At most, he has a giant headset that makes him look like an extreme 'Starcraft II' player, but not a killer.  He flies over in a space ship that is the height of cheap '90s effects and proceeds to...crash his ship into the ground about a mile from their base.  This is apparently part of his plan as the men suspect nothing now.  He manages to make his way over and kills all of them.  One poor guy goes to the bathroom, only to come out as the shooting starts.  Dude, the guy is using a gun that would give Reb Brown a 'happy ending'- you'd hear that shit!  He chases one man out in the desert, since he has the codes.  That guy gets killed in the first of many randomly-placed explosions related to the D-1's gun.  It apparently fires rockets through people, causing the ground several feet behind them to explode.  After blowing the crap out of the base, he calls for his retrieval ship.  However, something fishy happens...

The government's first mistake is sending Clint Howard out to retrieve the D-1, since he plans to steal the codes and sell it.  Yes, because that plan worked so well ten minutes ago!  He gets killed by the D-1 once he breaks protocol...um, more than before, causing the ship to crash.  This leads to some bitching by the boss, as well as more bitching by the D-1's creator (Gleason).  This leads to nothing, so let's move on.  Eventually, Baldwin and company assemble a team of mercenaries to go destroy the D-1 unit and retrieve the codes.  In a bizarre sub-plot, a few of the people are apparently cyborgs.  This causes serious dissension in the ranks, although I can't figure out why.  Oddly, this was made one year before 'Don't Ask, Don't Tell' was law- irony!  The D-1 ends up in a backwater town that you can substitute for any hick town, Texas settlement or the entire state of Arizona.  He runs into some comedic relief characters who have a satellite dish that he can use. He causes mayhem and kills the Sheriff with his odd, delayed-explosion gun.  Our heroes fly over in another bad effect before they get shot down.  This requires them to walk all the way to the town, as opposed to just landing close.  The D-1 is kind of a dick, so he fires random shots over the cliffs at them.  Eventually, the Asian man stays behind to slow the D-1 down, but he blows up.  Moments later, we find him in one piece.  Huh?  By the way, he's a cyborg.

The movie crams a lot in the last forty minutes or so- try to keep up!  Baldwin questions his commander about his actions and plots on his own.  Meanwhile, more of the commando guys get killed by the D-1 unit, all the while bitching at each other about who might be a cyborg and who might not be.  Seriously, this plot thread accomplishes nothing!  We also get a romance sub-plot between the group leader and the feisty redhead.  However, that gets cut short when she dives dramatically away from an explosion, followed by a blast that nukes the comedic relief characters.  Thank you, movie.  The finale involves the remaining two commandos battling the D-1 in a generic building that is full of pipes and metal.  Wow, that's from...every movie like this ever.  The black guy makes it to the end, only to blow up in an explosion that injures the D-1 and our hero.  He fights the D-1 hand-to-hand, but that goes badly.  The D-1 just cheats, picking up its now recharged gun, prompting the redhead to shoot it.  Screw you, logic!  They defeat the D-1 with their sci-fi tasers, which is just in time for the boss to show up.  By the way, he kills Baldwin, Gleason and just about every other supporting character moments before this.  He tries to kill our heroes, only to be shot by the 'feisty granny' character.  Everyone leaves happy, save for the dead people.  The End.

This movie sucks!  The plot is nothing to speak of, merely involving a bunch of people just looking for a bald robot.  Could you give them more actual motivation or development, maybe?  No, that crap about 'who is a cyborg' does not count!  What point did that serve?  Did the revelation of someone being a robot add anything to the plot or help defeat the villain?  No!  The worst part about it is that this kind of shafts other people for time, including Baldwin and Gleason.  I'm more upset by the latter than the former, obviously.  That guy's the best part of No Code of Conduct, aside from watching the film try to rationalize Martin Sheen be in it.  All of you people who used to watch the cheesy action films that F/X would play during the afternoons know what I mean!  In the film's defense, some of the explosions are cool-looking and the D-1 design is eye-catching.  Unfortunately, both of them are over-used to the point of ruining their appeal.  This film almost manages to 'out-explosion' any given Micheal Bay film.  These kinds of films have a certain, cheesy charm and this one is no exception.  People like me or those of you who have actually seen Best of the Best 4 (or at least know that it exists) will probably get some laughs.  The rest of you- probably not.  Oh yeah, it's still not Robocop!

Up next, Forgotten Sequels brings you a film requested by film companies, but not David Cronenberg.  I hope you like that old, familiar scanning sound.  Stay tuned...

Mondo Trailers: Rare Export- A Christmas Tale

Another film from a small European country- in this case, Finland- heads to our shores.  This one is just in time for the holidays.

http://www.imdb.com/video/imdb/vi192256281/

Say what you will, but that premise has me intrigued...

Rare Flix: Nick Knight

Hey, did you know that this was a thing?  Seriously, did you?  In 1992, a show called Forever Knight captured the hearts of weirdos everywhere.  While it ran until 1996 and has become a cult hit on DVD/Laserdisc, its roots go back a bit further.  They go all the way back to...three years earlier in a CBS Made-For-TV movie.  This is the back-door pilot for the show, you see, but doesn't feature Geraint-Wyn Davies.  No, instead, they got Rick Springfield.  Yes, they cast a former-Musician and Soap Opera Actor instead of the veteran Character Actor.  Is it any wonder that it took three years to get the show made and on the air?  For those who didn't watch the show,- probably a lot of you- I'll give you the gist of the plot.  Nick Knight is a cop in Los Angeles, but he's also a vampire.  They really don't do much of a background check, huh?  There are more strange plot explanations to come, so buckle up.  Get out your lazy special effects gimmick for my review of...

The film begins with long shot of a helicopter flying over the city.  While you would think that this is just establishing footage, you'd be sorely-mistaken.  I'll get to this in a bit though.  A man guarding an art museum is attacked after a few minutes of stalling by an unseen creature that attacks P.O.V. style.  So yeah, that aerial footage was actually a creature flying around the city.  The guard is killed and his blood has been drained, making it the fourth in a series of 'vampire murders.'  In addition, a mysterious goblet was stolen- which is important later.  This brings in Nick Knight, a cop who works the night shift and...that's it.  Yeah, there's nothing suspicious here at all.  He's teamed up with a sarcastic cop, since that's more important than his actual experience or qualifications.  They look into the case, while Nick looks into the woman who works at the museum.  We see Nick in his home life and he's...drinking blood.  What?  I totally didn't see that coming, except for the fact that it's the entire premise.  We also see that he has a goblet that seems to be a match for the stolen.  Wait- maybe he's the killer, except that his name is the title of the film, so he's obviously not.  Meanwhile, the woman looks into the history of the object and sees a man at the dig who looks like Nick.

The cops get called into action on a separate case, setting up an action scene to tide you over until the plot picks up.  A man holds a woman hostage until she runs off.  However, he manages to shoot Nick and make him fall into a pool.  However, he pops out of the pool in a silly effect- by the way, he can fly- and tosses the man into a sign.  Helicopters fly by and he leaves, but the police suspect nothing.  Of course, the man threw himself into the sign!  He flies over to the museum- another non-effect- and tries to make-out with the woman.  This ends when he nearly bites her- cue another cheesy vampire effect- and he escapes Batman-style.  The woman looks more into his past as we finally get a bit of a hint as to how Nick keeps his secret.  You see, the police department's chief pathologist is in on the man's secret.  Of course, that explains why they...wait, no, it doesn't!  Anyhow, our hero talks about how he wants to become human again and how he needs both goblets to do so, but someone stole it.  Could it be the 800 year-old vampire who turned him?  Gee, that's a possibility!  He goes to a bar and speaks to a woman in French, since he lived there at one point.  Good, now I've seen the guy who sang 'Jessie's Girl' speak French- I have lived!  The lady from the museum has followed him, but he quickly dissuades her from thinking that he's a vampire.  Yeah, this will be pointless in five minutes...

After hijacking a radio station, the vampire calls out Nick.  They have a big 'speech-off,' which the woman sees.  Oh good, she knows your secret that you hid for...five minutes.  A silly fight off breaks out between the two men, which favors the villain.  However, it turns against him again, with him narrowly-escaping due to the rising sun.  Nick hides in his trunk, ending up being driven to a convenient plot point at a hospital.  This leads us to a plot thread with a medical technician helping the vampire, which comes into play for about two minutes before the ending.  The woman from the museum presses Nick for more information, but doesn't get much.  You've got to save some stuff for the series, honey!  All of this leads to a final battle between Nick and his former vampire pal.  It takes place at Nick's hideaway- in an abandoned movie theater- when the vampire's lackey shows up, as well as a witness to a previous vampire attack.  Nick loses the fight again, since he hasn't feasted on blood in a while.  The woman offers herself to him, but he declines...so the bad guy just kills her.  Oh yeah, the lackey gets killed almost the moment that the vampire arrives.  Nick gets angry and defies the story's logic to kill the vampire, causing him to melt away.  In the aftermath, Nick and company walk off...only for one of them to turn into a blond Canadian three years later.  The End.

This movie is...not that good.  The whole premise is full of holes, to be honest.  Seriously, Nick is a cop who only works at night and lives in an unlisted residence.  Nobody asks questions about this?  Don't they have background checks here?  Furthermore, the film establishes that he's moved from town to town to cover his immortality.  Of course, a guy with no record shows up and you just buy into his story!  Aside from that, the movie has some decent action moments, but they're ruined by the silly make-up work.  I get that you were going for a Lost Boys look- since it was recent at the time- but you just failed.  This thing makes the 'Klingon Vampires' from Buffy look respectable!  Not even counting the cheap non-effect for the flying vampires, there's really not a lot here to offer.  That said, some of the humor is good and you can do worse.  It's an interesting piece of film and TV history though, even if it is not all that similar to the show.  Check it out, cinephiles!

Next up, a '90s action film that made an appearance in VHS For The Win.  Will the actual film live up to the hype?  Stay tuned...
   

Poor Bastards of Cinema: Friday the 13th, Part VIII

The gang's trip to New York City goes pretty well.  I mean, besides the vicious murdering of most of them by Jason Voorhees.  It's when they get to New York itself that things turn bad.

After escaping a gang, our two leads run into the sewers with Jason in pursuit.  They run across a worker down there, who agrees to show them the exit.

However, Jason somehow gets ahead of them (in a one-way tunnel that he's never been in before, mind you) and kills the guy!  Why?  He was only trying to help!

Next up, The Asylum brings us a Poor Bastard who would not normally be pitied.  Well, they defy all other logic, so why not this?  Stay tuned...

Count Crap: Die Hard Dracula

I regret many decisions in my life and this is one of them.  After Dracula Week ended, I could have just skipped this movie and put it off until another month.  But no, I just had to watch it for November.  Made in 2002 (allegedly 1998), but with production values straight out of the early '90s.  This is low-budget crap at it's worst, folks.  To make matters worse, a once-good actor is brought down with it: Bruce Glover.  Fans of Roger Moore's Bond films will recognize him as one of the two assassins in Diamonds Are Forever.  For the rest of you, he's Crispin Glover's dad.  Fun fact: the two assassins were actually parodied on Kids Next Door, a show aimed at 10 year-olds.  No, I don't get the logic either.  Since I can't put off talking about this film any more, let's just get to it.  Dracula comes to life and kills people.  An American comes by and gets in the middle of the whole situation.  I can't stall any longer, so sit down for the pain.  Get out your explosive alcohol for my review of...

The film begins with Dracula waking up in his coffin, causing it to shake and fly out the window.  Yes, his coffin is flying, set to the tune of 'Flight of the Valkyries.'  Is it too early to shut off the movie and shatter the disc into 6,000,000 pieces?  Anyways, an old man in some other place is killed and his daughter is chased into the castle, despite no establishing shot of her going in.  She just sort of shows up in there, only for the man to follow her.  Dracula- looking like a bloated Meatloaf- wakes up, kills the man and turns her.  We jump ahead to modern times where a trio of young people are jet skiing on a lake.  The lady neglects to put on a life jacket while riding and falls off, apparently drowning in a matter of seconds.  Magic water, huh?  He gets all emo about it for a bit and wishes on a star.  That same star- actually a comet- crashes into a woman's grave in Translyvania as she's about to be buried.  Oddly, this does no physical damage to the wooden box.  Even more oddly, the woman comes back to life.  Yeah, but she's probably going to be possessed by a wizard from the dark ages.  Good for you if you get the reference by the way.  The man goes on a vacation to escape his troubles and ends up in, you guessed it, Transylvania.  Big tourist area, huh?  He gets in a car crash, which leads him to walk into town hurt and meet...his dead girlfriend.

No, it's just the previously-dead girl, who is just played by the same actress.  Dracula is out and about though, despite the bitching of his wife (the lady from the intro).  He goes out in the daytime- just covering himself with a hat- and kills a friend of the lady who we only meet two minutes earlier.  He makes a play for the lead actress, but gets turned away due to his weakened state.  Desperate, the town's pub owner calls in Van Helsing (Glover- above) to help turn the tide.  No sooner does he say 'it will be hard to find Dracula' does the guy walk into the bar.  See- it's funny because...I don't know why, actually.  He finds out about Dracula's identity by asking the chef to put garlic in his toast.  He busts out a book called 'How To Kill Dracula' after the Count leaves, but hints that they're all theories.  Meanwhile, Dracula gets bitched at by his old lady and his new one.  In addition, he turns out to have a weird biological effect: he gets bloated when he has no new blood and skinny when he does.  Of course, taking in more fluid makes you skinnier!  Helsing and our hero agree to take him on, but their first attempt ends badly.  He survives a shot of silver bullets and a cross, but they escape.  Time for Plan B...and C...and D...and E.

Our heroes try a series of effects against Dracula.  They make a silver spear, but it just wounds him.  Hell, even lighting him on fire just makes him mad!  After our hero and the lady agree to marry, Dracula 'shockingly' kidnaps the lady.  She fights him for a bit- using a cross she got from the guy- but eventually gets turned.  Another attempt to kill Dracula ends better, until The Count shoots fireballs at them!  Yeah, that's a 'no' on that one.  They make one more try with a sword and some fencing, but the Count just puts his head back on (off-screen).  The hapless pair one final, final attempt to kill him, setting up a plan involving alcohol, an arrow and a fake castle.  Seriously, they focus on this shit!  Basically, they pour alcohol on Dracula, shoot a flaming arrow at him and he explodes!  Screw you, science!!!  The Count's brides- including the man's former-fiancee- attack Van Helsing and the man.  The film awkwardly segues into a bleak ending where Dracula is alive now, our heroes are vampires and the group dance around.  I guess that's supposed to be funny too, huh?  The End.

This movie sucks bad!  The plot is ridiculous at face value and is full of holes at closer inspection.  Dracula has unexplained powers- including throwing fireballs, shooting lightning and making his casket fly- for some reason.  He can walk in the sunlight and is immune to all of his weaknesses too.  How?  Why?  There's something called 'surprise for surprise sake' aka 'swerving' people.  This is when plots or stories take 'unexpected turns.'  However, these turns are unexpected because there is no logic to them (see Vince Russo booking WCW).  This crap just comes out of nowhere and is never explained.  It's like the 'silver doesn't work on these werewolves' thing from Howling II, only it happens about ten times here!  The acting is bad, even for a low-budget comedy.  There's certainly a lower standard here, but they fail to reach even that low standard.  I feel bad for Glover, since he seems to actually try here.  On the upside, he does seem to be having a good time.  It would be nice if I could share that experience with you!  The special effects, writing and overall production values just blow here.  It's not funny or interesting.  It's like watching a train wreck for 80 minutes.  If you think that sounds fun to you, enjoy this film.  For me, it was just a waste of my time.  Enjoy this rare double-dose of shitty special effects from the film...

Up next, a film that almost nobody has heard of that set up a show that most people don't remember.  As a side-note, I still wish that I had Jessie's Girl.  Stay tuned...

Lost in Translation: Enter the Dragon

For a dead guy, Bruce Lee had a major output in the late '70s and early '80s.  Hell, I'm surprised that he didn't just 'make a film' with a soundtrack by Tupac Shakur.  Anyways, this is a poster for his last actual film from Poland...

...um Red Stripe- hurray beer?  Seriously, why is the color pattern based on the flag of Poland?  Were they really that lazy?

Next up, it's only fitting that a major blockbuster gets horribly mutilated in a foreign poster...but why did it have to be snakes?  Stay tuned...

Note: No 'Abbot White' Review

Okay, I kind of jumped the gun here.

While Abbot White is hilariously-bad, I watched it on Instant Viewing with my friends, as opposed to renting the disc and getting my shots.  When I went to get pictures to fill in the review, I could find none.  Seriously, none.

I guess this film is so obscure that nobody has felt like reviewing it.  Hell, it's Amazon page has only one review itself!

This is what you need to know:
* The film is hilariously-dubbed.  Basically, they cut out the original dialog audio, but kept in the soundtrack.  As a result, the music cuts in and out whenever people talk.  It's especially-bad with a Princess character who has music playing in all of her scenes.  It seems like she can make music start and stop at will!

* The plot is ridiculous.  A young monk accidentally removes an object from a box & unleashes an evil spirit.  He runs off, only to return ten years later and get revenge against all of those who killed him.  However, he can't maintain control of the body, leading to moments where the now-teenage monk does good deeds.  Mind you, they don't explain this until the end.

* The dubbing is really, really bad.  As one of my fellow viewers (also a member) noted, it seems like it was dubbed by the original Chinese actors, who are speaking English phonetically.  Hell, at times it sounded like Tommy Wiseau was dubbing it!

* The best part is how they keep referring to the spirit being that of a man who died thirty years ago.  However, they never say it that way.  You hear them say...
"He died of thirty years ago."
"He was died thirty years ago."
"He has been dead of thirty years."

Seriously, if you can make it past the first fifteen minutes or so, you'll have a good laugh at the dubbing quality.  Check it out here: http://movies.netflix.com/WiMovie/Abbot-White/70004307?strackid=4eb14bb9c217720c_0_srl&strkid=1882550325_0_0&trkid=438381

P.S. It also has a man firing off his metal hump and the villain firing off his own hand!  They never explain how this works- it just happens!

A Review in Pictures: House aka Hausu (1977)

I'll get into why you're not reading about Abbot White here in a separate post.  For now, enjoy this special review of the psychedelic classic Hausu (aka House) from Japan.  It is weird, wild and pretty much nothing can really prepare you for it, not even this lead-in sentence...

Basically, a group of girls go out to the woodland home of one of the girls' aunts when their vacation plans go awry.  The trip there is not that simple though...

When they get there, they discover that the titular house has some weird powers and causes some freaky things to happen.  Stuff like, well,  this...

When they try to escape and/or fight back, the house does not take it lightly.  Our heroines- who have nicknames like Mac, Gorgeous and Kung-Fu- run afoul of some freaky effects and feelings.

This is weird, but not pretty...

This movie is weird as hell!  Nothing is taken seriously and no amount of reality seems to exist.  Even simple things like retelling the past of the aunt is played as a bizarre joke.  While the girl explains the events, the movie turns into an old-time slideshow...which the girls all see.  How do...why does...aw, screw it!  The movie is fun and campy, playing it all for laughs.  The effects are decent at times and really good at others.  Obviously, digital effects from 1972 are not going to be on par with stuff from today.  If you can accept that, the movie is so damn creative with them that obvious effects can be forgiven.  You have to be in a weird state of mind for this film and it's certainly not for everyone.  While I was weirded out (consider that for a moment, won't you?) the whole time, I had fun with it.  I can't say that it makes sense, but it is quite fun.  Add in a good transfer and you've got a worthy DVD rental/purchase for all of you weirdos.

Up next, a film that narrowly was cut from the field for Dracula Week shows up here.  Was it worth the wait or will I simply hate the Count even more?  Stay tuned...

VHS For The Win: Wheels of Terror

Here in my car, I feel safest of all.  However, a lot of people shouldn't, since the things can be deadly.  Case in point...

Oh my God, that car is staring me down!  Plus, it appears that the Sovereign is watching from above.

Next up, the ultimate in ridiculous monster movie plots arrives.  With it comes a cover that literally tries to grab the viewer.  Stay tuned...