Forgotten Toons: The Pirates of Dark Water

Avast ye mateys!  I want to tell you the tale of an ambitious, adventure show made by the Hanna-Barbera company.  It speaks of a scourge called Dark Water that has begun to overrun the seas.  The only way to stop this evil, mystic infection is with a collection of gems.  Before I say anymore, let's meet the cast of...

Our heroes are a brave group of adventurers from all across the land, brought together under one common goal: save the world.  A straight-laced adventurer must team up with a conniving- but charming- thief, a gypsy woman and...a talking monkey-bird.  Well, it is a Hanna-Barbera show, people!  They kept the 'kid stuff' in check pretty well though, making it a good show for teens or people who remain young at heart.  The group is beset upon by an evil pirate named Bloth, who rides in a giant ship that appears to be made out of Titan bones.  He has a crew of other evil pirates- plus a comic relief character or two- at his disposal, making this a tough fight.

Unfortunately, this show was apparently expensive to produce, leading it to be cancelled after Season Two.  This left the producers in a bind because, unlike today's shows, they didn't know in advance.  As such, the series ended with 8 of the 13 treasures being found and the story unfinished.  It's run ended just over 17 years ago and nothing has been done to wrap the story up.  It's kind of like watching Jet Li's Evil Cult and knowing what could have been.  Early in Adult Swim history, they actually used one of their 'bumps' to mock lovers of the show.  They promised to show the 'lost' episode...only to play stock footage of a cat licking up milk.  'Oops,' they said, 'We must have taped over it.'  Oh well, the series' legacy still lives on...in cos-players...

Next up, a cartoon takes power to the extreme.  Suit up, ladies and gentlemen!  Stay tuned...

Sounds Like: Fireball (Thailand)

Is there a reason why I don't review films sometimes?  Yes.  Some of them are dull (Satan's Wife), terrible (Sex Medusa) or just don't leave me with enough to say.  This movie is in that category.  I love Thai action films, which this one happens.  Point 1 for you, movie.  The movie has a revenge plot involving organized crime.  Okay, that's another Point for you.  Here's the problem: there's really nothing else here.  I can make this work though, so stick with me.  If you like kicking, jumping and brutal violence, you're in luck.  The film's story involves organized crime, extreme sports and kicking.  Maybe I was being too harsh before.  Get out your b-ball for my review of...

The plot is simple: a man gets out of jail and seeks revenge.  In an introductory scene, his twin brother is put in a coma by some criminals.  Once out on the street, he joins a team that plays the odd sport of Fireball.  What is it?  Well, it's basically basketball, but you have to kick people a lot.  You do get points for scoring, but it's mostly just about kicking people.  In fact, most of the games/matches they show only one point being scored for either side.  Is the whole game like sudden-death hockey or something?  I don't get it.  This brings up the problem of the film: there are really only about five major scenes, about half of which are the games.  They're good...but a bit long.  I do love me some kicking though.

Okay, there's really not much to talk about.  After a second game, one of the group is accused of trying to throw the game to get out, so they kill him.  We get another scene where the group does some parkour stunts in order to get a ball.  Why?  Why the hell not?!?  Eventually, our hero goes after the lead villain, they fight and he wins.  As a bonus, they fight in the rain.  The End.

This movie is good...for what it is.  It's pretty much just a pure action film with almost no plot.  They spend a few minutes setting up the story, have a long fight scene, give us a little more plot and have another fight scene.  There honestly is not much more to talk about.  If you like this kind of stuff- which I do- you'll have fun.  Ultimately though, it's just going to end up in a fight compilation video on YouTube.  A lot of these Thai films try to mix in drama (Chocolate), a setting (Ong Bak 2), a crazy plot (Dynamite Warrior) or some political commentary (Born To Fight).  This one is just about people doing spin-kicks while running up and down a court.  You may not remember it for long, but you will enjoy it while you do.

Next up, Sounds Like Week concludes with a look another film called Fireball.  This one has mutant powers- bonus!  Stay tuned...

 

Sounds Like: Road Killers

How many random actors can you mix together into one film?  This film tries to tackle that question in an interesting way.  For starters, the film stars Christopher Lambert, the man who everybody knows from Highlander.  The villain of the film is Craig Sheffer, a person that you might remember from both Turbulence 2 and 3- just as different characters.  Next up, we get Christopher MacDonald aka the bad guy from Billy Madison.  Sure, why not?  You might as well throw in a young Josh Brolin too.  Okay, I was kidding.  You aren't going to put in Joseph-Gordon Levitt aka the kid from 3rd Rock from the Sun and 500 Days of Summer now too, are you?  Fine- be that way.  Just for that, I hope you include David Arquette, the star of Ready to Rumble.  I should probably stop taunting you, now.  So yeah, this movie is kind of like The Hitcher, but with a dash of Death Wish too.  Enjoy.  Get out your Bonnie & Clyde style shoot-out for my review of...

Two pairs of people are driving around in the desert.  Amongst those people are Lambert, Levitt and MacDonald.  By the way, if you really want to stretch reality to the max, cast Lambert as the uncle of Joseph-Gordon Levitt!  Seriously, how am I supposed to buy that?  Levitt is hanging out in the middle of the road for some reason at one point and nearly gets run over by some men.  Why?  Well, his character is deaf and doesn't hear the cars.  Don't worry- this plot point doesn't amount to much as a whole.  Anyhow, the group- which also includes Lambert's wife and daughter- stops at a diner for some lunch.  They run afoul of the same men- including Sheffer, Arquette and Brolin- and they don't exactly apologize for what they did.  They go to leave, but the dad gets really upset by them.  Despite everyone's pleas, he challenges them to a game of 'Chicken.'  Gee, this won't turn out to be tragic and devastating.  Sure enough, he loses and his car crashes.  In a drawn-out and dramatic scene, he is not able to get out of the burning wreckage and he dies.  Way to get out of the film in the first twenty minutes, Christopher!

Lambert takes the death of his brother about as well as you would imagine.  He confronts the men- despite his family's pleas- and tells them he is going to get them arrested.  Immediately following that, he slowly turns his back on them and walks away.  Yeah, he gets clubbed in the head.  The group of villains split up, Sheffer and company taking the others hostage- since I guess they couldn't drive away- and Brolin being sent out to dispose of Lambert's body.  He proves to be far more cowardly than dangerous, however, and fakes shooting Lambert in order to shut up his berating girlfriend.  Well, men have done worse things for women, I guess.  With the rest of the gang, they have the family held hostage and, well, do nothing with them.  Why did you kidnap them again, guys?  Lambert eventually recovers from his beating and non-shooting & goes looking to call for help.  When a blood-soaked man shows up in a diner asking for a phone, would you let him?  After threatening the people- always a good call, Lambert- our hero ends up in jail.  He pleads with the Sheriff to help him out and save his family.  When he describes the titular 'road killers,' the guy leaves Lambert alone.  You're good at your job.

As it turns out, the guy is actually going off to stop the criminals himself.  It ends up about as well as it did for the Sheriff in The House of 1,000 Corpses.  During this part, we also get to learn a little bit about the so-called 'road killers.'  Arquette's character is a Rain Man-style guy, but he's not actually a savant in anything.  Yeah, I don't get it, but whatever.  Lambert escapes from the jail by knocking out the Deputy- so that's who did it!- with the aid of a fellow prisoner.  We get a fight/shoot-out with the villains, but they escape.  At some point, the guy who helped Lambert actually turns on him, although I'm not really sure why.  Yeah, I was kind of zoning out- sorry.  We get a great bit of shooting and driving before Lambert puts the safety of his family over revenge.  Stupid person and your logic-based compassion!  Sadly, Arquette's character is killed too.  Oh darn, I will miss him ever so much.  In the final showdown, Sheffer and Lambert battle...in slow-motion.  Yeah, don't try to make your film arty in the final five minutes, movie!  Lambert ultimately beats up Sheffer by slamming him onto the hood of a car and drags him along the road until a train hits it.  Ha ha- you just killed a guy!  The End.

This movie is surprisingly-dull.  The plot is simple enough to work and there is some good action.  The key problem is, like many films, the pacing.  They drag it all out for too long without a real point.  It's neat to see the villains actually have conflicts with each other, even if it never really goes anywhere.  This is also one of the few films to use David Arquette in a way I like- as a guy who gets killed.  Seriously, the only film of his I can stand is Hamlet 2- where he mostly has an extended cameo.  Most of the acting is good, although I should note that Brolin is miles away from his current acting level.  You wouldn't watch this film in 1995 and think 'that guy is going to end up being really good in  Cohen Brothers film at some point.'  His character actually has more than one-dimension, which is a plus.  Unfortunately, this movie did not live up to its potential for me.  I mean, you have what's basically The Hitcher, but with a group of killers...and it's less effective.  Mind you, none of the killers are played by Rutger Hauer, which is important to note.  As it stands, it's a decent action movie that doesn't accomplish much more.  It is a strange cast to look at though.

Next up, Sound Like Week concludes with the first of two movies with the same title.  How do extreme sports and super powers mix?  Stay tuned...

Sounds Like: Road Games

Australia- what can I say?  This country has brought me movies like Snide & Prejudice, Mad Max: Beyond Thunderdome and The Howling III: Marsupials.  Basically, I'm not surprised by anything they do.  Although, this one did throw me off a bit at first.  You see, this movie came out in the very early '80s and was an attempt by them at getting in on that sweet, Slasher film money.  To that end, they hired Jamie Lee Curtis, fresh off Terror Train and Prom Night to be their starlet.  In addition, they hired genre-film veteran Stacy Keach to play the lead.  The film involves a serial killer driving down the highway and one man's desperate attempt to stop him.  Naturally, since they made it, this movie is set in Australia.  On one hand, it really adds nothing to the story, which could easily be set in Texas, Arizona or even Michigan.  On the other hand, Keach and Curtis got a free vacation down to Australia to shoot a movie.  They couldn't make this thing straight-forward though, so don't always expect the obvious here.  The bigger question is this: is it good?  Get out your Fred Flinstone graffitti kit for my review of...

The film begins by showing a man walk up to a naked woman playing the guitar in her hotel room.  She has her back to the audience, but it's still a bit surreal.  He kills her with some piano wire and the narrative changes to follow Keach's character.  He's a truck driver who delivers meat to companies up and down the Australian roadway.  Rather than getting to the point though, the movie spends the first ten minutes on this.  You've definitely established the character- move on!  Unfortunately, the movie can't hear me- being as it was made two years before I was born- and continues to show me life as Keach.  He drives around for a while, making commentary about the people he sees on the road.  If you ever wanted to see Stacy Keach do an Improv Exercise where you talk over people you see in a mirror, this is your film!  Finally, the plot picks up a bit when he stops to pick up a woman who he saw earlier in the car.  Her husband drove off without her, so she makes herself at home in his car.  He hears on the radio about the killer being on the loose and stops suddenly when he thinks he spots him.  Given that we're about twenty-five minutes in, he obviously does not see him.  Way to hook them early, guys!

Eventually, he gets rid of the lady and picks up Ms. Curtis (see above).  Being younger, cuter and much less annoying, she makes for better company.  Even the dog likes her!  Try not to get distracted by the awkward mix of real driving footage and really obvious rear-projection effects used for the longer dialogue scenes, by the way.  One night, Curtis walks over the hill from the camp site they're at and spots the killer's van.  That or it's a dream- I don't know.  The scene includes dream-like imagery and the brightest flashes of lightning in human history, so you be the judge.  Keach makes it clear that there is a killer out there after she tells him about this, so they try to find him.  A bit of vigilante justice, eh Keach?  At a rest stop, they find the van parked and go to investigate.  Keach goes inside with his giant tire iron- passing a graffitti picture of Fred Flinstone on the way- and threatens the man inside the bathroom.  Since the car is parked there, it obviously must be him.  Outside, Curtis is wandering around inside of his van looking for evidence.  Yeah, that always works out well.  Sure enough, the man in the stall ends up being a different guy and, when Keach gets outside, the van is gone.  He tries to steal a bike and pursue, but crashes- opting then to go back to his truck.  Was that a joke?

Things get pretty tense from here on out, but they're also a bit slow.  I know how that sounds, but trust me.  Keach drives the road for quite a while, always looking for clues or evidence.  The problem for me is that this goes on for a bit too long.  The chase is tense and all, but they don't pace out the clues or events too well.  Eventually, he catches up to the van, leading to a big chase.  It's a little surreal to watch, since it's a van being chased by a semi-truck that is, in turn, being chased by a police car.  They even work in a strange comedy bit with a guy who drops his glasses right before the chase passes him by.  After two tries and two near misses with the vehicle, the cop car drives over them.  That sure was random, movie.  A big crash finally occurs and our hero begins to beat up the killer.  The police go to arrest him when Curtis reveals herself and tells them what happened.  In the Epilogue, the pair walk down the road together- having smashed the truck up- and hitch-hike.  We get one last bit of 'humor' involving the body of the first victim.  After about three minutes of build-up, the woman's head falls in a maid's mop bucket.  Okay then.  The End.

This movie is both bad and good, to be honest.  The premise is great, the acting is generally quite good and there is some real atmosphere at times.  The problem is basically the pacing.  Like I said, it takes twenty minutes to build up to the actual plot taking place.  At 100 or so minutes, the movie could really use a trim.  The scenes are not bad in and of themselves, mind you.  The problem is just that they represent a distraction from the real narrative.  For example, we get a bit where Keach sees a person pop in front of his truck at night, only to learn that it's a kangaroo crossing the road.  Was that necessary?  Like a lot of the 'It's the 1950s' stuff from the last Indiana Jones film, it just feels like excess.  I believe that you were shot in Australia, movie!  One big positive is that the DVD of the film that's currently available is an Anchor Bay release.  That means that the film print is very good and doesn't feel like it was made in 1981.  I wish that the film was better paced and could have stayed on message a bit more.  As it is, it's an uneven movie that I can't fully-recommend to you.  Fans of Curtis' slasher film work will want to check this out though.

Up next, Sounds Like Week continues with one of the most oddly-cast ensemble films I've seen.  If you ever wanted to see Christopher Lambert, Josh Brolin, David Arquette and Joseph-Gordon Levitt in one film, you're in luck!  Stay tuned...

Impossibly-Cool Cover Art: Rapid Fire

I love guns.  Lots of people love guns.  How much is too much though?  To answer that question, here is your answer...

Holy crap- that's a lot of guns.  Plus, who has an M-16 with an RPG attachment on the top of it?!?  Grenade launcher- yes.  That thing just looks dangerous as hell!  Could you have gotten a lead better than 'emaciated Emilio Estevez?'

Next up, a film about a plane crash in the worst possible location.  It's going to promise me a lot, yeah.  Stay tuned...

Anthologicious: Stephen King's Cat's Eye

  With so many Stephen King films out there, it's easy to forget a couple of them.  I mean, how many of us think about Graveyard Shift, The Night Flier or The Langoliers?  That's the case with today's subject: Cat's Eye.  The film is a pretense to include a bunch of stories from Night Shift, a 1978 short story collection.  I'm linking it here because it contains a number of stories that became films, including Trucks (aka Maximum Overdrive), Sometimes They Come Back and The Mangler.  Made in 1985, the film represents the height of King's popularity in the entertainment industry.  He was so big that his leftovers- 'Quitters Inc,' 'The Ledge' and 'The General'- could get their own movie.  The film also features Drew Barrymore in a role that was given to her solely due to her performance in Firestarter- another King film.  It's an odd horror anthology, since the framing device is barely-explained or a part of the film.  Apparently, there was a longer explanation for the cat's motivation, but it was cut by the studio.  They deemed it silly, which is a bit ironic when you consider the final story.  One more side note for you: the director is Lewis Teague.  If the name doesn't ring a bell, you'll know his early work- Alligator, Cujo and The Jewel of the Nile.  Will the film be up to those films or will it be like Teague's later works- Collision Course, Navy SEALs and The Dukes of Hazzard- Reunion?  Get your Police record for my review of...

The film's framing device begins with a cat being chased by...Cujo?  Considering it's the same writer (King) and director (Teague), it must be.  If so, it's a weird distraction.  The animals cross the road and pass...Christine.  That's just silly now.  It ends up in NYC and gets captured by a bearded man who works for Quitters Inc (also the story's title).  In walks a businessman (James Woods) who has to quit smoking.  Out walks a frazzled and upset woman who is joined by her sorry husband.  Hello, foreshadowing!  The head of the company beats up Woods until he stops to demonstrate a room with a floor triggered to spark.  The poor cat is used as a 'guineau pig' for this action.  At home, Woods is a bit frazzled himself, since we learn that the company would torture his wife and/or daughter in the same room.  He is obsessed with the idea of a man being in his house, a point that proves to be true.  He confronts the company, who is nonchalant about it.  At a party, Woods has a bad reaction to everyone smoking around him.  It's a bad party when you imagine giant, dancing cigarette boxes!  At a traffic stop, Woods breaks down and lights a smoke, but gets spotted.  The wife is captured and put in the room.  After that ends, we see the couple reconcile and hug.  That night, they hold a party and the mood dies a bit when Woods learns that Quitters Inc.'s threat about cutting off the wife's finger tip is true- since it happened to his friend's wife.

During the fracas, the cat escaped and ends up in Atlantic City.  For 'The Ledge,' we meet a crazy, rich guy who has his wife followed, since she's having an affair.  The cat is nearly run over while trying to cross the road, something that the man and his friend bet on.  They capture the wife's lover (Robert Hays) and force him to make a hard choice.  He can scale down the side of the building and get paid off or be arrested for a trumped-up drug charge.  Given that he has no choice in the matter, he starts climbing along the building's exterior.  It's a rough trip, especially when the old man pops out and nearly hits him.  Unfortunately, some dated rear-projection effects arrive (this was made in 1985, after all) to make this a bit less dramatic.  Eventually, he gets back inside and wins the bet.  He gets a bag of money and...the wife's head.  Damn you, Kevin Spacey!  Hays fights back and forces the old man to do the same wager.  He falls to his death, nearly hitting the cat on the ground.  By the way, the cat escaped again during this story's fracas.  Repetition much?

The third and final tale 'The General'  begins with the cat arriving into a new town.  He meets up with a little girl (Barrymore) who instantly loves the cat.  Unfortunately, the mother does not like cats & forces the animal to live outside.  That morning, we learn that the cat entered the kid's room, angering the mom.  We get the message from Tales from The Darkside: The Movie about cats stealing kid's breath.  Is it true?  The next night, a creature comes into the kid's room via a hole in the wall.  The tiny goblin sneaks around for a bit before climbing onto her.  Before it can act, the cat aka General shows up & attacks the creature.  It stabs the cat and runs, but not before knocking over the bird's cage and killing it.  Since the creature covers its tracks, the mother blames the cat for the death and the mess.  The cat is left outside again as the creature shows up one more time.  It steals more of the kid's breath before the cat escapes from a kennel to the most ridiculously-over-the-top music ever.  Seriously, you would think that the thing was Aslan!  It climbs in through the chimney for one more showdown.  It traps the thing, chases it onto a Police record and turns on the player.  Smart cat!  Eventually, it spins so fast that the creature is thrown into a fan and killed.  The parents arrive and find the body, allowing the cat to stay.  They tease a dark ending with the cat...but it's all happy.  The End.

This movie is...actually pretty good.  The stories are interesting on their own, which is sometimes rare for this sub-genre.  They have to, however, since the framing device is so damn inconsequential.  The cat sees a vision of Barrymore...for some reason that the movie never explains and that says why it heads towards the house for the third story.  It's involvement is so minimal that it's almost pointless.  They could have just had it be 'A witch telling the stories' or 'Barrymore being read stories by her mother.'  What's the point of the cat?  Is it just to justify the final tale?  Speaking of which, the tone is strange and inconsistent.  'Quitters Inc' is a dark, social commentary tale, while 'The Ledge' is a straight-forward revenge tale.  'The General' is just weird and goofy.  Fun fact: 'Sometimes They Come Back' was planned for this film, but given it's own film instead.  That explains a lot, actually.  They clearly had no good reason for this framing device and a more consistent tone planned before Dino De Laurentis made up his mind.  I should also mention that Barrymore plays Woods' daughter in a throw-away role.  While the film is a bit too random to recommend whole-heartedly, it does provide us with this great image.  Enjoy your serious film career after this, Drew...

Next up, Sounds Like Week changes to a new subject- the Road.  Will it be game or some killer shit?  Stay tuned...

Lost in Translation: Terminator

France is a fun country for this kind of stuff because their taste is often a bit eccentric.  Take their poster for James Cameron's The Terminator...

Oh my God, the Amazing Colossal Man is attacking Big Ben...while Doc Brown is flying the Delorean towards it.  I'm confused.

Next up, a classic '80s film gets the weird poster treatment.  Would you like to play a game?  Stay tuned...

Sounds Like: Seven Deaths in the Cat's Eye

Ah Giallo, you are a strange genre.  You basically produced the same three or four different films with different titles over a ten year period.  

In spite of that, I still love you.  Sure, most your 'children' attempted to emulate Blood and Black Lace & Deep Red.  Hell, a couple of them even emulated the titles pretty blatantly. On the plus side, those were two damn good movies.  

This brings us to today's film- Seven Deaths in the Cats Eye.  You see, Giallo films are famous for their great titles.  In fact, some smart guy made a list of those at one point.  

This movie was made by Antonio Margheriti, a good director who has made good films.  

Was this one of them or does it just disappoint like Web of the Spider?  

Let's find out, shall we?  

Get out your cheeky monkey for my review of...

The film's premise is simple: a family of weirdos lives in a Scottish Castle and do weird things.  They have a monkey, they have a cat that never stays still and engage in some salacious activities on the side.  

Naturally, there is a normal girl amongst the group that has to stay sane and some murders take place.  

She has her own dark side, of course, but they're nothing compared to everyone else.  Maybe this friendly priest can help them out.

Will the killings stop?  

Will they find the culprit?  

Will sanity be restored?  

Find out after this brief interlude...

So yeah, it's the Priest is the killer. 

 I mean, not really.  

Some convict took his place before the movie started.  

There you go.  

The End.

This movie was kind of disappointing.  I mean, it's not terrible, but the tepid pacing did nothing for me.  I originally watched this movie about two years ago and I was disappointed.  

Mind you, I wasn't running a site at this point, but I still probably wouldn't have reviewed it then.  I tried re-watching it recently...and nothing changed.  

The movie is a bunch of really great ideas thrown into a pile...but nothing is done with them.  It's a film that is weaker than the sum of its parts. 

 I love you, Antonio- I really do.  Unfortunately, you've got some problem with me that I have with the Pang Brothers.  

These two are apparently great directors, having made such films as Bangkok Dangerous and The Eye series.  

To me, though, they are the guys that made Bangkok Dangerous (the 2008 remake) and Forest of Death.  

Those movies were not good. 

If you love Antonio's works, enjoy his good films like Castle of Blood.  

Hell, watch his weirdest film/show: Yor, The Hunter from the Future.  That shit is great!   You can skip this one though.

Up next, Sounds Like Week continues with a very-obscure Stephen King horror anthology.  Meow.  Stay tuned...

VHS For The Win: Sometimes They Come Back...For More

Have you ever wondered how far people will go to keep a series going?  Well, here's your answer...

So Satan escapes from Hell and makes his way to...Fargo, North Dakota?  Also, what does this have to do with zombies again?

Next up, I'll show you why Transformers: The Movie is not the silliest thing on Orson Welles' resume.  It's going to get a bit witchy in here!

9/12 Die: Guyana- Crime of the Century

Last year on 9/12, a man went to Washington to hold a rally.  That man was Glenn Beck.  Besides being loud and abrasive, the man is also a dangerous idiot.  Three times now, he's made statements along the lines of 'Group A is going to to get you & only you can protect yourselves.'  Three times, some listener of his has shot up a police station/military base/political building following those remarks.  You do the math.  In honor of the anniversary of his "million-strong" rally, I want to review the tale of a similar man- Jim Jones.  Mind you, in this bio-pic film, he's actually Jim Johnson.  It's funny because they make a note to say that 'the names of the innocent have been changed'...and so has his.  Coincidence?  They also change the name of famous Senator 'Leo Ryan' to 'Lee O'Brien.'  Oh good, because I wouldn't remember the only Senator ever killed in the line of duty...a year after it happened.  This film was made the year after the tragic events in Guyana and comes to us from 'acclaimed' director Rene Cardona Jr, the man behind Cyclone (the one with the plane crash, not the bike) and Tintorera.  For those who don't know, he was following in the footsteps of Rene Cardona Sr, his father and fellow director of genre films.  I tell you this so that your standards are properly gauged for the film to come.  Get out your delicious Flavor Aid for my review of...

The film begins with some long, lingering shots of the San Francisco era.  Cliched establishing footage or the darkest Full House episode ever- you decide!  After that, we get a man shooting himself in the head.  Who is this?  What context is there?  'I don't know' and 'none' would be the answers.  Seriously, this scene apparently takes place in March 1979, while all of the Jonestown/Johnsontown deaths took place in 1978.  Explain, movie!  Instead of doing this, they give us nearly ten minutes straight of Johnson/Jones (Stuart Whitman) giving a speech to his flock about how they have to move.  Cutting right to the chase, huh?  While Whitman does play the character well, this is way too long to hold the scene.  After that, we get another several minutes of Congressman Lee O'Brien (no relation to Conan) talking about Jim Johnson/Jones.  Way to grab them early, Rene!  After all of that, the flock moves out of the city and out of the country, where nothing bad would ever happen...ever.

In Johnsontown/Jonestown, things seem perfect.  The people are happy, James Johnson/Jim is free to engage in rampant sex (not shown, but implied) and Joseph Cotton is in town.  Unfortunately, some kids steal supplies and totally kill the town's buzz.  This leads to some graphic and brutal punishment.  As my brother said at the time 'fortunately, the print is so washed out that you can't see anything.'  This leads to some dissent in the town, while the Elders insist that what was done had to be done.  In America, we get more talk about O'Brien being concerned about Johnsontown/Jonestown.  Finally, he heads over there by plane.  Actually, to be fair, he heads to a nearby village by plane and then heads to Johnsontown/Jonestown by way of a different plane.  I appreciate the authenticity of that, I really do, but you could have simplified that.  If you aren't going to give people the same names, why keep this aspect intact?  Everything seems fine in the cult town, leading O'Brien to state that 'all of the people I've talked to have shown that they are happy to be here.'  That's Senatorial slang for 'people are slipping me notes about how they want to escape, but I won't say anything.'  O'Brien eventually comes clean to Johnson/Jones about the fact that he's there on a Congressional Inquiry.  He takes it well.

Of course, you know that things don't end well.  If you don't, you really went to a shoddy, second-rate School.  Seriously, get a refund!  Johnson/Jones has a bit of a freak-out when he finds out that some of his people are leaving, but manages to control himself.  As the group prepares to board their tiny plane, a group of men from the cult arrive alongside the airstrip and start firing.  To the film's credit, they match their footage to the real event pretty well, even nailing the frantic tone as well.  That night, Johnson/Jones gives a big speech about how they can't get amnesty anywhere else due to the killings, so death is the only answer.  This is the film's big moment, so they play it for all it's worth!  In contrast to the believed-reality of the situation, the film shows many people trying to escape and/or drinking the Flavor Aid at gunpoint.  What's the point of a Cult if they won't follow you in a Suicide Pact?  We get some trippy footage of Johnson/Jones talking to a drugged-out, dying cult member that's right out of a music video.  In the end, they're all dead.  So, again, who was the guy committing suicide in the beginning again?  Got me.  The End.

This movie shouldn't suck, but it kind of does.  This is a subject rife for a teleplay/screenplay, but this one just falters.  They somehow make a lot of this stuff just seem dull by drawing it out or playing it too subtle.  It's a crazy cult that practically worships a man- make it interesting!  Hell, because they skip out on a lot of material, they ruin it.  Jones apparently discouraged sex between unmarried cult members, but engaged in sex with both the female and male members!  I know it's a touchy subject, but you really missed out on an opportunity.  In fact, a little film called Eaten Alive made better use out of this material!  It's not a good movie, but it makes it more interesting at least.  There's also a film called Guyana Tragedy from 1980 (see Amazon link below) which stars Powers Boothe as Jones.  Is that film better?  Maybe we'll find out next 9/12...or whenever I decide to see it.  As far as this film is concerned, it's exploitation that does a bad job of making the exploitation interesting.  Much like some of the more dull Blaxploitation or Jungle Peril films, I have to ask: what's the point?

Next up, we step away from political territory and into a Giallo film.  It's also the beginning of 'Sounds Like' Week- bonus!  Stay tuned...

Blockbuster Anniversary Trash: The 9/11 Commission Report (The Asylum's)

Yes, they went there.  I usually don't talk about stuff like this, but when I was reminded that this movie existed, I had to talk about it.  Part of your understanding here has to be based on a reminder: The Asylum make bad movies.  Some of them are better than they should be (e.g. I Am Omega) or have enjoyable actors in them (e.g. Transmorphers: Fall of Man), but most of them suck!  They've tried to turn their reputation into that of a company that makes kitschy films like Mega-Shark vs. Giant Octopus or Titanic 2 (yes, really), but they mostly make dull and/or painful films like Death Racers or Tokyo/Monster.  The biggest thing about them is that they make movies to capitalize off of upcoming *presumed to be* hit films.  This is amusing at times, but also leads to stuff like this.  Back in 2006, Oliver Stone wanted to make a memorial film about the tragedy that took place on 9/11/01.  Personally, I saw it as a bit tacky, but he was going in with a good heart.  The same could be said for the people behind United 93- another film I found to be tacky.  The Asylum's film is a cheap attempt to knock-off a film that arguably exploits a national tragedy- it's doubly-despicable!  So yeah, this is going to end well.  Get out your FICA Warrant for my review of...

This film is really just a series of random scenes of people talking.  What are they talking about, you ask?  Well, a man signs up for flight school and says cryptic things.  Nobody questions this until later, but it's not really all that notable.  A government agent talks cryptically about some operation.  An agent gets hired by that giant-nosed chick from Monster/Tokyo.  They talk about a government operation to kill Osama Bin Laden...while walking down a busy street in London.  How was this operation compromised again?!?  By the way, if you actually see this, count all the extras that nearly look right into the camera here.  Plus, check out the bit where a guy starts to walk in front of the camera and they suddenly change camera angles.  Seriously?

So yeah, we get more talking and, well, more talking.  They say things that could be interesting- like a woman explaining how killing Bin Laden is a viable option- but kill it with bad delivery and severely-muted acting.  I actually read a review from a British paper that talked about this containing 'The Asylum's best actors'- that's sad.  The big thing to note from the latter half of the movie is a very direct bias against 'Liberals.'  The FBI Agent wants to arrest the man taking flight classes, but those damn ACLU guys 'put a stop to that.'  My favorite part is where the random guy from Tokyo/Monster that helped the sisters outside and died off-camera plays a 'Democrat' who throws his authority in the Republican guy's face.  Yeah, remember all the authority they had in the year 2000 after Republicans took the White House & still controlled Congress.  Could you at least lie in a way that's feasible, guys?

By the way, I'm sure you're wondering- do they go there?  Here's the most they actually have the guts to do...

This movie is terrible!  It's pure, political exploitation that makes no damn sense.  The whole thing is hinged upon you believing their view of history.  It just doesn't synch up with, oh, reality!  On top of all that, the movie is just dull.  They pack a little action into the ending bit, I guess, but it's far too late.  This movie about political intrigue and the 'build-up' to the most tragic terrorist event in United States history is boring!  How can you do that?  The worst case scenario is that you play fast and loose with history (already done) in order to make action scenes occur.  Yeah, they don't do that.  If you think that the West Wing is too exciting for you, then this is your movie.  Unlike that show, the writing is terrible and just puts you to sleep.  This movie is just pointless and terrible.  How many 'terribles' are required for an Asylum film?  Just to cover my bases: terrible.

Next up, I celebrate 9/12 with a man more insane and dangerous than Glenn Beck.  Will his rally end the same way that his did?  Stay tuned...

WTF Japan?!?: Hellevator- The Bottled Fools

Hey, remember my note yesterday about renting movies based on their titles?  Yeah, I did that again.  This time, it's a movie that was exactly like it promised- weird as hell!  Was it good?  Was it bad?  For more on that, read on.  The film is set in the vague future where cities are underground and people ride elevators to get everywhere.  Basically, it's the flip-side of that Doctor Who episode from Season 3 where everyone is stuck in flying cars for all of time.  Of course, being Japanese, we get a girl in the stereotypical schoolgirl outfit and some rapists.  It's amazing how often those two come together (no pun intended)!  Let me blunt: this movie is really, really weird.  It bears repeating, sorry.  There's not much else I can say, so let's just dive right in.  Get out your giant tranquilizer needles for my review of...

The film begins with a man questioning someone about the events that led to a giant explosion in the elevator system.  This leads us to the story of a young girl going to ride the elevator to...um, school, I guess.  She stops along the way and buys drugs from a mysterious dealer.  Those drugs: a pack of cigarettes.  Evidently, possession of cigarettes is a Felony offense- nobody says why.  It all leads up to her being spotted by some security cameras with the stuff and her fleeing.  In the process, a man is shot (almost a Poor Bastard, but he lives) and some oil is knocked over.  This eventually leads to the explosion...in about a half-hour.  She gets on the elevator with no problem, meeting up with a friend.  This character does nothing but talk on her phone and leave.  Let's move on, shall we?  More wacky passengers get on, including an old lady with her grandkid.  This kid has a bizarre toy that's a brain with eye balls in a jar which is pulled on a string.  Don't question it- just keep moving.  At one stop, a group of businessmen get on in a bit stolen right from a Soviet propaganda cartoon.  They file in, act in unison and then leave.  All of this is shot from a wide-angle lens in close-up.  Okay, that added nothing, but was entertaining.  Finally, something dramatic happens that actually moves the plot forward...

At Floor 99, two cops bring in some prisoners for a transfer to Death Row.  The pair are a freaky lot and just generally cause havoc, while doing nothing but talking and posturing.  A fire apparently happens, which leads one of the cops to leave.  Finally, the explosion occurs and the elevator gets stuck.  In the ensuing chaos, the pair beat up the cop and take off their chains.  The beating actually goes on so long that it makes most nWo 'beat-downs' look brief.  They eventually start terrorizing everyone, including one of them trying to rape the elevator operator woman and the other just staring into space.  That one catches the businessman trying to call for help, so he squishes his phone like a Twinkie.  Seriously, the thing must have been made out of melted plastic!  During a struggle with the elevator operator, the more-dramatic convict drops the guard's gun, allowing our heroine to pick it up.  She fires a killing shot, leading to her ending up in a dream-like 'bullet-time' world.  Explain, movie!  She wakes up from the fantasy/dream and goes a little crazy, blowing all of the bullets on him.  Fortunately, the guard recovers from being dead long enough to tranquilize the other prisoner. He dies again- for real, this time.

With the convicts dead after an assault by the businessman, all that's left is...well, nothing.  Yeah, they're just kind of stuck there for a while, each taking time to go a little crazy.  The businessman snaps when he thinks that he's going to be put away from killing the prisoner and starts bribing everyone.  The elevator operator tries to calm everyone down, freaking out in the process.  Our heroine just sort of sits there in the corner.  As we learn in the events taking place after this, the weird guy in the ear phones is the one being interrogated and he explains why our heroine stabbed the businessman.  It doesn't make a lot of sense, but he explains it.  Eventually, they all get out and we see that our heroine was convicted of setting off the explosion with her cigarette.  Yes, that's the biggest offense that took place there.  She is taken into a different elevator, but ultimately gets taken to the outside world.  The End.

This movie...is just weird and confusing.  The premise has potential, but they clearly did not have enough plot to make the film.  The conflict is set about thirty minutes in and, basically, resolved an hour in.  The remaining time is spent with weird filler and a lame drag to a finish.  You could have done a lot here...but they didn't.  The acting is pretty good, although the killers are clearly trying too hard.  I think it's a case of bad direction more than anything else, as it's hard to blame people for being 'over-the-top' while playing crazed killers.  They serve their part very well- they're freaky, they scare people and then they die.  You can't ask for much more.  There's definitely a good movie buried in here somewhere.  I'd say that a more forgiving viewer could find it, but that wouldn't be all that accurate.  I've seen stuff like Executive Koala and Entrails of a Beautiful Woman.  If I can't find some good here, who will?

Next up, Blockbuster Trash brings us another film from The Asylum.  This time, they get political in a move that is sure not to blow up in their faces like, oh, some sort of national tragedy.  Stay tuned...

Stock Footage Hell: The Phantom Empire

Why am I dealing with Fred Olen Ray again?  I mean, he's the guy who made Wizards of the Demon Sword.  That, of course, used stock footage from 1978's Planet of the Dinosaurs to accent his own crappy Deathstalker rip-off.

Well, he did it again.

You see, 1989's The Phantom Empire features a group of adventurers (including Jeffrey Combs and a bloated Robert Quarry) enter a cave, go to a mysterious land and fight the evil Sybil Danning.  At one point, they run into dinosaurs...from that movie.  They try to mix the footage together- they fail.

At one point, they use the 'T-Rex has a spear thrown into him' footage and mix it with Danning throwing a spear.  The problem: the spears don't match.  The stock footage one has a wrap of cloth around it and hers didn't.  How hard would that have been to fix, Fred?!?

Oh yeah, this footage also adds nothing to the story in any way.  Who's surprised?

Next up, I pay tribute to a second Godfrey Ho film.  These aren't worthy of a real review, so let's enjoy them here!  Stay tuned...

'80s Trash: Cardiac Arrest

I rent a lot of movies based solely on the cover art and the marketing.  That's definitely the case today.  The more I think about, the more I question the logic of that decision-making process.  This is a film whose DVD art shows a doctor holding a human heart towards the viewer.  Great!  Too bad nothing like that ever happens in the movie in the slightest.  This is actually a VHS transfer of a TV print of the film.  How do I know?  Well, for starters, the quality is bad at times or interlaced at its worst.  Secondly, this print censors out the word 'shit' and 'god damn.'  I've seen movies where plot points revolve someone raping someone, only to find out that they have AIDS and now he does too.  Hell, you can rent Caligula practically-uncut on DVD right now or watch Cannibal Holocaust with all of the death, rape and animal murder intact.  Oh yeah, the DVD also doesn't have Menus.  Yeah, it's one of those discs.  The film tells the tale of a serial killer taking human hearts from his victims.  The narrative is split between the cops investigating the crime, a couple seeking a transplant and whatever else they feel like focusing.  If you like no murder and forced comedy in your story of murder, this is your film.  Get out your curare dart for my review of...

The film begins with someone watching the news coverage of the third 'Open Heart Murder' investigation.  A disturbed cop says 'no comment' as the titles roll.  Up in a hotel room, a pair of cops check out the barely-bloody body.  I've seen more blood in children's cartoons than at this murder scene where a person's heart was cut out of their chest!  Anyways, the cop from earlier is our hero and, naturally, he sneaks into his own crime scene in a bit of non-suspenseful suspense.  We learn that he's a 'quirky' cop, which means forced laughter and amusement for all!  Seriously, he's not bad, but he's clearly in the wrong movie.  He's partnered with a nerdier version of Dirty Harry's partner from The Dead Pool.  For those of you who actually saw that film, enjoy a good laugh.  The police begin to look into an old lady who lives nearby, setting up some suspense that the movie is sure to kill.  Sure enough, the suspense over who is in the closet turns out to be nothing.  It all leads up to them finding a luggage and, during a montage, we learn who is the owner of it.  The police surround the police and it all turns out for naught.  You see, the guy was just having an affair, ended up in the room with the dead body and fled.  *Sigh.*

After that embarrassment, we're left with following the lead detective.  He goes on a trip to the museum to follow up on a cult lead, only to realize how dumb that is.  Next, he takes the dart from an exhibit to see if the poison is still potent.  Hello, Checkov's Gun!  He starts hanging around a hospital, listening in a conversation that in no way relates to him.  Afterwards, he asks one of the men about the conversation he just overheard.  Do you get that these facts are important, audience?  Do you?  Do you?!?!  Anyhow, I should mention the B-Plot involving a young woman seeking a heart transplant.  She's told that the process of getting a donor could take weeks, a feat not helped by the rash of heart thefts.  Actually, how does that really affect it all that much?  Only three killings- and thus, three hearts- have occurred in San Francisco, a city with a very large population.  How much impact do three of these murders really have?  The pair get a mysterious phone call explaining that the spiel they got about donor matching was all a lie and there's really just a list.  Yeah, they're actually both true.  Why would they go with this plot point?  Did they not have Organ Transplant Lists in 1980?  The couple aren't sure whether to pay for the organ, while our hero continues to...well, do stuff.

The biggest problem in the film is this: comedy.  Yes, they inject comedy in this tale of murder and organ theft.  I know that I said that before, but it bears repeating!  We get to see our hero get his car towed, only to learn that it's by his girlfriend because he missed their date.  He uses this as an excuse to get the police department to fix his car, setting up a plot point that serves, well, no point.  We get a hospital break-in which leads to nothing (except a dead guard) and a bit where a junkie gets interrogated for stealing a script from a trashcan.  We learn that the 'red herring' guy is actually an undercover cop, a thread that makes no sense and has no place here- hurray!  Eventually, we learn the truth: a pair of ambulance drivers kill people, sell the organs for transplant and switch the body with another one.  The latter part just serves to get them found out- dumb asses!  I don't get the point of all this subterfuge when you're known as serial killers that steal hearts.  After the movie says that it will be hard to catch them, they're instantly being chased by the cops.  Did you skip a scene?  The guy who puts up a fight is the assistant, who's played by Fred Ward in a nothing role.  It makes me yearn for Naked Gun 33 and 1/3.  The cop loses his gun, but still has the curare dart and stabs Ward.  Hurray- it's The End.

This movie is...bizarre and terrible.  What was the point here and how did they get 6,000 miles off-course?  Why make a film about something like murders that involve the theft of human organs and then make it a sometimes-comedy?  Furthermore, I can excuse you not showing the murders, but why set the story after nearly all of them have already occurred?  You could have shown the first movie with a P.O.V. shot or something!  Hell, shows like Murder, She Wrote could do that.  No, you have to be so lame and have your only on-screen death amount to nothing.  Did they just take a Ruggero Deodato script and hire John Landis' mentally-handicapped brother to direct it?  This whole thing feels like stupid, made-for-TV movie that was disguised as a real one.  Oh right, I already reviewed one of those this week!  Unless you're a sucker for movies like this (how many are there?), you can just skip this one.  It's another example of early '80s cinema letting me down.  This could have been, at least, competent, but it's just bad.  Seriously, what the hell?!?

Up next, a Japanese weirdo comes to the site.  It involves rapists, an elevator and a baby cart full of groceries.  Stay tuned...