Shudder-day: Fangs (1974)

 Since my original choice needs to be saved for October, let me go with plan B.

In this case, it is plan Ssssss (but not that Film) ...

The name is Bender, Snakey Bender.

In a small Town (there are like 7 people), he comes in once a week to show off his snakes.

The Town is full of strange people.

The creepiest is the Brother-Sister duo who apparently want to be with the School Teacher.

No, really.

Brother- She's mine!
Sister- She's been yours for a while now.  She's ours now.

Wednesday is Snakey Bender's Day.  He shows up to buy his stuff and then has a 'Concert' with his drinking buddy.

Translation- they play John Phillip Sousa really loud and dance.

Oh, and Sousa (plus other Big Band Music) is the Soundtrack.  Enjoy!

On top of that, he visits the Teacher from earlier and...let's her put a snake on top of her.

They show it all in silhouette, which is either A) artistic or B) implying something gross.

We later see actual snakes on her (not the one in this Scene mind you), so she wasn't afraid of snakes IRL.

After spending half of the Movie setting things up, we now get to the revenge part.

Basically, everything goes wrong for him, including his snake Lucifer (the Teacher's favorite) being killed, his friend gets married and cancels their 'concert' & he finds out that the Teacher won't let him come over (and also doesn't love him).

Bonus bit of creepy- the Brother-Sister duo blackmail her...and go inside.  You can infer the rest.

So yeah, he starts killing people, but decides to keep the Bride alive...for now.

So, he takes each person- including the Preacher- one at a time to kill them.  Sometimes he lucks out and they come to him.

Since he has a single gun (and nobody else does), this works.

He even kills Large Marge.  Yep, that Actress plays the creepy Sister.

Since it is the '70s, he gets away with the murders as the Film just stops abruptly...

A fun, if very off-putting Film.  I haven't watched a ton of Hicksploitation, to be fair.  That said, this still feels...sleazier and creepier all around, no.

Even when Bender is killing the people, he has them partially undressed.  He has the Preacher rub a fish all over himself, which has got to be someone's fetish out there, no?

It is also a very '70s thing to make the whole Film a weird Character Piece on a guy named 'Snakey Bender.'  Could you imagine that today done by someone not trying to be a Grindhouse Film?  Not a chance, right?

J.K. Simmons is Snakey Bender!

The snake stuff as a whole is pretty tame.  So much is just implied, since, you know, snakes are poisonous and can kill you.  They don't cover this up as well as other Films do.

Fans of the weird and sleazy will enjoy this one, just don't expect the more fantastical stuff to happen.  Oh, and be kind to the Snakey Benders in your life- or else!

A sleazy slice of the 1970s- or at least what they though life was like.  Nobody actually lived like this, right?  Right?!?

Immediate Response: Indiana Jones and the Dial of Destiny (2023)

 After work has kept me busy, I found time to see the final (promise?) Chapter in a Theater.

Whip it!

The Good

* The Film has a big feel that works great on the big screen.  It is big, loud and fun.

* The new additions are great too this time, especially Waller-Bridge.  Sorry, Mutt.

* The new MacGuffin is a unique and creative one, giving us a big, globetrotting adventure.  It’s also not Aliens.

* Digitally de-aged Ford looks great and the Intro is key to the Plot, not just showing off.

* The 3rd Act- no SPOILERS- is a fitting spectacle to send off the Character.

* A few good, sometimes subtle nods and references to past adventures, including Temple of Doom (the best Film still)

The Bad

* Hey look- it’s Antonio Banderas…and he’s gone.  Give him 4th Billing anyway.

* Another Indy Film where every time he tries to ‘get to object A first, the villain shows up to take it.’  He never learns.

* Not enough Karen Allen and no Short Round.  Missed opportunities.

* James Mangold casts Boyd Holbrook as the same Role from ‘Logan.’  Weird (but good for Boyd).

The Film is really good.  Go see it.

Need I say more?

DVR Theater: 'The Wild Wild West' Travel to a New Dimension!

 If you only know The Wild Wild West from the 1999 Film, you're missing out on a lot.
That said, I don't hate that Film either.

We recently watched an Episode via DVR, so let me get into it...

A robbery occurs involving some fancy jewels.

The problem- nobody seems to break in... or out!

As it turns out, this guy is involved in the whole thing.

I apologize for Screencap quality, by the way, as some are from a YT copy.

The mastermind, however, is Dr. Miguelito Loveless.  He's the most famous Villain from the Show, hence him being in the Film.

Of course, in the Film they made him legless and not a Little Person.

Our Heroes seemingly escape, only for Jim West to get captured.

I have to think that there was a Rock Paper Scissors Contest on Shows like this, deciding who gets captured each week.  It is always one and never the same consistently.

So here's what you've been waiting for- the explanation.

Loveless used his massive genius to create Paintings that connected to ANOTHER DIMENSION and uses chimes to send people in and out of them to commit his crimes.

He's made dozens of paintings and plans to rob the world blind.

Since Gordon was free, he meets the 'fastest gun in the West' and drugs him, taking his place.  They knew that Loveless wanted to hire him (just not why).

Loveless takes them all into the painting, which, to save on the Budget, is an Old Western Set and not, say, Mars.

Naturally, our Heroes turn the tables and win the day.

It's a fun one.  It is the kind of Episode that you hope to get from a Show like this and a time like this.

Do I watch Batman for the psychology?
No, I watch it for the absurdism.

This is why I love the 3rd and 4th Season of Voyage to the Bottom of the Sea more than the first 2.  It became a Monster of the Week Show and more like Star Trek.

Fair warning- not every Episode is like this, even all of the Loveless ones.  This is his 7th (of 10) appearances on the Show and he usually delivers all the same.

That said, I need to mine this Show for more gems in the future.  For those wondering why I keep watching stuff like this, well, I can't help you.

Next up, we go back under The Sea- The Bottom, to be exact.  What happens when a Universal Movie Monster gets on the sub?  See you then!

My Crazy Youth: The Time That the Street Sharks Met (Not Extreme) Dinosaurs

 Shark Week focuses on Sharks in water.  Boring!

Let's see them on the Streets!

Dr. Piranhoid has a very circuitous plan to take out his enemies- the titular Sharks.

First- do a robbery with your henchmen disguised as them.
Second- Lure them somewhere.
Third- use Anti-Matter to power a Time Machine (!!) to send them to the Past.

I have no notes.

The group is split up, allowing this to work.

One of them is sent back to the Age of Dinosaurs via a Time Tunnel...

While the other- who waits patiently for the villain to pick a new time- is sent to, well, you can read.

Mind you, this is the Street Sharks audience.

You can read, right?

Dinosaur Time is not great for one our Hero, who flees constant danger.

The more recent past is better for the other one, who is taken in by the people of Atlantis- who are, of course, Mermaids.

I'm sure you're asking yourself 'Why do 2 different Times in your Time Travel Episode?'  Good question.

They will help him if he stops the invading Neptunians (who she mentally projects a picture of).  Sounds difficult, right?

Actually, it's Super Easy, Barely an Inconvenience.

Yep, he bites one sub and it flees.

That was...the whole Army?!?!?

As luck would have it, the Atlanteans have a Time Machine (why not?) and send our Hero back to find his buddy and then to the Present.  Thanks, Deus Ex Machina!

It is a good thing to, as our Heroes back home break the Time Machine.

Everyone is happy, even the bad guy...who vows to make a new Time Machine!  Dun dun dun!

A pretty silly Episode that, ironically enough, has a time management problem.  

They have 21 minutes for the Episode.  They have both too much and too little going on.

The Dinosaur Plot is the best, as it is paced pretty well and goes up to the End.
The Atlantis Plot is clearly rushed, as we get some real shortcuts.  The Atlanteans are Telepathic, so they can skip the Exposition.  They immediately trust him and he immediately agrees to help.
Within a minute, he confronts one ship, bites it and that's it.

Weirdly, the issue seems to be the parts back in the Present.  They add nothing and take up time that could have been spent in the Atlantis Section.

Why only send 2 back?  Why not have the 2 pairs sent back together?

I suppose it is far too late to Ghost Write for a Show from the '90s, eh?  Oh well, I have a mouth and I'm going to use it...as opposed to our Hero in this one shot (who has no mouth but must scream).

I hope you're having more fun during Shark Week than Mr. No Mouth here.  Don't worry- he got better.

Tubi Thursday: Sky Sharks (2020)

 Well, I did mention Flying Sharks last Review, didn't I?

It is time to deliver with...

A passenger plane full of random Actors and Extras- Cary Hiroyuki-Tagawa and Robert LaSorda- are attacked by strange men on flying sharks.

Yep.  Why not?

They kill everyone as we get the Titles.

This is, I guess, the 4th Reich making their big move.  They made sharks that can fly...somehow.

Why they attacked a random plane, thus revealing themselves, is anyone's guess.

Our Heroes are an old Scientist- who worked on the original Flying Shark Program- and his two Daughters.

Can they lead a ragtag group of Soldiers to victory?

Will you enjoy Tony Todd's remote scenery chewing as much as I did?

As the World is in peril, nobody seems to be up to the task.

If you have to stop Flying Sharks and Nazis, what would you do?

To find out what they do, watch the Film now.

It is a fun, if disjointed mess of a Film.  There are many things to like here...with a big caveat.

If you are the kind of person, like me, who would click on a Film called Sky Sharks, you will like what the Film has to offer.

If you are not, then you won't be a fan.

The draw here is the crazy visual of the Sharks, the Nazi Zombies and lots of gore.  It is full of practical effects, so I'm not going to complain.

That said, the Plot is pretty much a series of random Scenes.  To put it into context, after the final Battle, I was expecting one more thing to happen.  So, when the Credits started, I was like 'Oh, that's it?'

Sky Sharks is a dumb, but enjoyable bit of Sci-Fi bollocks.  It has lots of loud music- some of it good- to distract you from the, well, nothing that is happening sometimes.  

That said, I watched this instead of a Mark Polonia Film, so I still win in the end.  No delays here.

A fun, stupid Film in the vein of Kung Fury.  That said, it has good CGI Sharks and enough nonsense to fill up 90 minutes.

Shark-er Week: The Reef- Stalked (2022)

 In honor of Shark Week, let's see some Sharks.  Before I get to the dumb ones, let's check out a serious one.

I've been neglecting Shudder due to work, so let's fix that.

A group of friends love to go out diving.

They are in Australia, to be fair, so it is that or judging whether or not something is a knife.

Faster than you can say Hereditary, tragic strikes two of them as one is killed and the other finds the body.

Some amount of time later, the survivor reunites with her friend and her younger sister- who has never gone with them before- to go out.

So why does Sis look nervous now?

Oh right- the shark.

It's not a Vampire or a Ghost or a House, nor is it radioactive or 'swimming through sand' (in various fashions).

It's just a shark...but it will eat you!

Our Heroines don't have much in the way of tools and the Shark is, well, an apex predator.

Can anyone survive?

To find out, stream it now.

So, let's be clear- this isn't quite what is advertised.  A Movie Poster that exaggerates details to sell you- stop me if you've heard of such a thing before!

Seriously though, you do need to know that this is much more of a Thriller than the typical 'Giant CGI Shark Films' out there.  I don't say that judgmentally about them, mind you.  Well, probably the ones by Mark Polonia, because, I mean, it's Mark Polonia.

Just know that this is a human drama featuring people in peril from a singular shark and it doesn't fly or have multiple heads.

That said, I did enjoy it quite a bit.  The Stock Music is still good (hence why it is Stock) at building up suspense.  As long as you expect the right thing- sudden scares and/or attacks-, you should enjoy this one.

I say this as someone who's on record as not liking Black Water...which is from the same Director.  Incidentally, he also made The Reef and a second Black Water Film.  I think he might only have one idea, perhaps?

Regardless, I liked this one better than any of the People Stuck in One Place Horror Films like BW or Open Water 2.  I also love this crazy Japanese Poster, especially since every Shark is Jaws there.

A fun use of a small Cast and one deadly creature.  Just know not to expect The Meg and you'll be fine.

Poor Bastards of Cinema: The Shadow (Part 2)

 Another Month and another Poor Bastard.

We're back to The Shadow and one more death.

The bad guy goes to the top of the Empire State Building with his Scientist (Ian McKellen!!!) to plan out his actions.

While there, a Sailor (famous That Guy Actor Michael Fischler) makes fun of him for 'wearing a dress.'

This won't end well.

He commands the Sailor to jump to his death.

Does he also command everyone to not hear him say this?

He manages to get over the fence while nobody can seem to/try to stop him.

On the plus side, what a view!

He jumps to his death and people freak out.

Oddly, the Film uses his forced suicide as a transition to the next Scene.

Wow.

In summary, a random Sailor is a jerk, so he dies.  Ouch.

The moral: be nice to strangers, since you never know which one is a powerful telepath!  Be better.

Next up, a Watchman at a random Building faces death.  Sure- why not?

Tubi Thursday: Subspecies V- Blood Rise (2023)

 Well, I promised Ted Nicolau I'd review this, so I have to.  I mean, do you want him to sic Radu on me?!?

After 25 years, they made another one- why not?!?

Right off the bat, here's a weird thing- this is a Prequel.

After constantly restarting the Story after Radu dies for the last 3 times, they decided that 4 times was too many.

Anyhow, the Plot involves a Vampire lady who bears a child...and Knights Templar immediately show up.

Honestly, if this turns out to be a crossover between The Blind Dead Films and Subspecies, I'm down!

It's not.

Instead, the Knights take the child- Radu- and make him look human (with oils, apparently).

We pick up with Radu when he's, being generous here, 60 years old or so...since Anders Hove is in his '60s.

He, of course, doesn't know that he's a Vampire and is eventually confronted with the truth when he manages to storm, you guessed it, the same Castle he was born in.

Transylvania sure is a small Country!

He rescues a woman and child from the Castle.  Naturally, it is Denice Duff!

As Radu embraces his true self, he'll bring others down with him.

On top of that, we might as well introduce a few random Sub Plots and Characters.

To find out how this all plays out, stream or buy the Film now.

It has many good points, but the Plot is pretty much the equivalent of firing buckshot at a wall.  Let me explain...

We get the Intro with Radu and then a fairly quick build to his initial corruption.  After a big moment, let's jump ahead 100 years and introduce new Characters.

Another time jump- why not?!?
That lady from 40 minutes ago- she's back.  Why not?

This is one of those cases where there is too much Plot for what the Film actually needs to be.  Any of the setups- Radu's discovery, Radu's fall, Radu and his 2 captives or Radu and his family- could be expanded into Films.

Instead of that, however, we get all of them fighting for time in the Film like that 60-Man Battle Royal that WCW did.  I didn't hate the Plots- I just wish that you'd picked one.

Never mind the idea that you're doing a Prequel 25 years after you shot the last Film!  Did we need one?
Did we need one that contradicts key elements of the original Film- how the Bloodstone works, the fate of Radu's Father, etc- to boot?

I'm happy for Nicolau and company for getting to make the Film.  I just wish that they had picked one idea for the Film and not all of the ones they thought of.

A Film with great atmosphere and plenty of neat ideas.  Unfortunately, nobody said 'no' to any of them, so they are all in this Film fighting for time.

My Crazy Youth: The Time that Amy Adams Played a Fat-sucking Vampire on 'Smallville'

 Somebody sa-a-ave me-ee-ee!
Sorry, that's literally the first thing I hear when I read, type or hear the word 'Smallville.'
If you were a fan of the Show, you understand.

Now that Allison Mack is out of Prison, I find it less-awkward to talk about this show.

As such, let's cover Season 1, Episode 7 for some future Casting irony.

She plays a young lady in a fat suit...I mean, a fat person.

She has the hots for Clark's friend Pete, but is bullied.

She goes on a crash diet and eats only vegetables in smoothie form from the Farm's Greenhouse.

The problem is that the field is full of 'meteor rocks' (aka kryptonite) that crashed about a Decade ago when Clark arrived on Earth.
She somehow drops 20 lbs in an instant and doesn't die.

Yeah, so if you're somehow unfamiliar with the Show, it was very much a 'Monster of the Week' Show a la The X-Files and (more importantly) Buffy the Vampire Slayer.

Once she does this (and only Chloe seems to notice how insane this is), she asks Pete on a date and he says 'yes.'

There's a whole B-Plot involving Lana's Birthday Party.  It barely connects to this more interesting Plot, so I'm glossing over it.

She finds that the effect has, well, a side effect.

Since this is a 2001 TV Show, they can't have turn back into her 'fat' self, so she just has to eat alot.

That night, she is distracted while driving home and hits a deer.

As she checks on it, the hunger rises and she, well, does this.

She goes full Imhotep on that deer, which gets the attention of Chloe- who investigates weird goings on in Smallville.

Meanwhile, her hunger rises up again the next day as she walks by the bully who picked on her.

Since he's a dude, he's dumb enough to think that this is a hook-up before she Imhotep ups again.

Thankfully, Clark is nearby and stops him from being killed.

He's also really sloppy, kicking out a steel door and using super-speed around Adams.
Nothing comes of this, of course.

The hunger strikes once again the next night before her date, so she goes after Pete.

Clark, of course, shows up and tries to sa-a-ave him, but he's surrounded by Kryptonite.

She sees what she has become- Monster Fate #15- and stops herself.
Clark gets to woo Lana, while Adams is sent to a Hospital and never seen/mentioned again.

A fun Episode, even if the Soap Opera parts tend to creep into things.  The Show- at its core- was a Teen Drama and this one has plenty of that.

If you're in it for the silly content, just be patient.

That said, they do inject a decent amount of Character and pathos into the Story, as silly as it is.  Amy's Jodi is sympathetic and only really acts 'evil' in the one Scene.  Even then, it is towards the Bully and due to her insatiable hunger.  

In other words, while her being in this sounds embarrassing, it's not really on her.  She does her part quite well.

The make-up they use to make her look fat, however, is really fake looking by modern standards.

Even considering the lower budget nature of the final showdown, I still liked this one as a weird mix of Superman lore and The X-Files.

Deep down, I hope that someone who worked on this Show was there when Adams auditioned to play 'Lois Lane' and just gave her this look...

A fun, silly Episode that doesn't suck.  Granted- your tolerance for early '00s melodrama may not be as high as mine (especially when they literally play Enrique Iglesias' 'Hero').