Poor Bastards of Cinema: Christine (1983)

 A Car has to be moving to kill you, right?

Right?

In the intro to 1983's Christine, a Mechanic checks out the titular car as it comes off of the line.

Despite it causing an injury to a man earlier THAT DAY, he sits down in the car for a smoke break.

Is that a thing people did or still do?

He lets the end of his cigar fall on the seat (still covered in plastic, mind you).

Big mistake.

When his Boss comes down the line some time later, the man is dead.

How?

Dunno- the Film never says.
He is still a Poor Bastard of Cinema though!

Why did he have to die?  Well, he disrespected a car...that inexplicably was alive (the Book explains why, but not the Film) and had feelings.

The moral- Smoking will kill you.

Next up, we return to the world of Alex Cross for some Poor Bastards.  It doesn't pay to be helpful!

Tubi Thursday: Escape from Death Block 13 (2021)

 A dead Action Star lives again...in the form of a Hungarian Man.

I've not seen a Robert Bronzi Film yet, so let's fix this before 2023 ends.

A man- Bronzi- goes to America to get, um, Death Insurance, I guess, from his Brother.

The Boss- Nicholas Toturro- won't pay out and frames him for some crimes...that he kind of committed, but for a good reason.

He's sent to Prison and must agree to work with the Feds to uncover a Drug Ring in said Prison.

Does he have a Death Wish or something?

Well, the place is corrupt.  A corrupt Prison, eh?

Science Fiction!

He finds some cliche Friendly Prisoners- since Murderers are nice chaps.

Can he survive his time there?
Can he save the day?

Will he ever learn to emote or deliver a line well?

To find out, stream it now.

A dead man lives...and he acts about as well as the real Bronson would these days.  Sorry, Robert.

Look- if someone thought that I looked like a dead Actor, flew me to Hungary and asked me to act in Hungarian, I'd be pretty shit too.

The Plot is nothing special.  Does it do anything new or interesting?

Well, the Lead Muscle turns out to be a good guy by the end.
That's...about it.

I will say that they have a few bits of decent Action Scenes with fist fights.  They are less successful when they try to mix in gunfights, which they had to shoot against green screens.

They used the Prison from Shawshank Redemption, which doesn't always make your Film better.

If you want to see Bronzi in action and don't care about the Story, watch this.  If you're more discerning and/or not curious, then skip it.

Sorry, Charlie.

Bummer- the Film isn't good.  Bronzi is a sight to behold, but not for 80+ minutes.

Holiday Flix: Truman Capote's Christmas Memory (aka Truman Capote's Trilogy)

 A very old-school Christmas, everyone!

This is Truman Capote's Christmas Memory, based on a Short Story by...well, you can read.  It was first made for TV in 1967 as part of ABC Playhouse.  It was later released with two other Short Films/Segments as Truman Capote's Trilogy in 1969.

I bought it on VHS last year and, well, let's get something out of that tape I spent 99 cents on!

Hopefully enough people my age or younger know who Truman Capote was. 
He had TWO Biopics in the span of one year. 
He was also parodied a year later on American Dad. 
He wrote the Story that would become the Film Breakfast at Tiffany's.

If you need it, here's the short version.  

He got famous for writing about a true crime- In Cold Blood- and then became famous for, well, being famous.  He became a socialite- think of an effete Kim Kardashian- and, well, enjoyed the booze.  He was openly Gay in the 1960s, which I'm sure was fun for him. 

He's also the only Writer I can think of to be nominated for a Golden Globe for Acting (William Peter Blatty has one for Writing)!

Well, with that out of the way, let's find out what Mr. Capote's childhood was like via his 1956 Short Story...

Young Truman lives a life of meager means, but great happiness with his Aunt (his Parents are nowhere to be seen).

To say that she's 'a bit eccentric' would be like saying that 'Texas is a fairly big place.'

Were you expecting a political joke there?

They meet a scary 'Indian,' but then he's friendly.  How enlightened.

They make a whole damn lot of pies, which they send to randomly people.  Their list includes family, neighbors and... FDR?

As they prep for Christmas, Auntie gives a little bit of booze to young Truman.  The pair- caught drinking and dancing- are scolded by the other Aunts.

They say that the kid will 'get hooked on the stuff.'
The real Truman died in 1984 from liver disease.

Merry Christmas!

They get really sad at points as they make gifts for each other.

Auntie wants to get him a bike, but makes him a kite instead.
He makes her one too.

I'm not crying- you're crying!

They sneak away from their nagging relatives to enjoy the true spirit of Christmas.

How sweet.

They go out and play with the kites.  

Truman- who was popping up infrequently to narrate- takes over at the end.

He explains that this was their last Christmas together before he got sent to Military School and he never saw her again.  She eventually forgot him due to dementia and he says that he would later look to the skies to see if their two kites were flying about.

Right int the feels.

A really sweet, well-made Film.  The actual Story itself is pretty schmaltzy (a word that Auto Correct ignored- go figure!) and sweet.

Thankfully, the whole thing is elevated by its Star- Geraldine Page.  She makes it all feel very real.  You get enough info on her via the Narration and Film to make her feel alive.  
She, and the Special itself, absolutely earned those Emmys- no question.

Without her, it could be seen as so saccharine that it would make your teeth fall out!

Some people like that stuff.

This is a TV Special, so they didn't exactly spend millions on this.  If you don't find the random tape like I did last year, this one is on YouTube.  It came out over 50 years ago and has no DVD release that I can find, so who's going to make a Copyright Claim at this point?

The Story itself has been adapted for Stage and Screen since (it was last done in 1997 on TV).  It was even an Opera?!?

If you're in the mood for a nice, home spun story of small towns, big personalities and Christmas, it is worth a look, no matter how you may find it.

Back to the normal stuff after Christmas.  I can hopefully squeeze in that last bit of John Carpenter in 2023.

Quick Holiday Reviews: Violent Night (2022)

 A festive night of murder, revenge and Santa Claus.

Yippee ki yay Father Christmas.

Santa is drunk and depressed.
He's lost his Christmas spirit.

Aw.

Meanwhile, a bunch of awful people- and our Heroes- are celebrating Christmas together.

What could go wrong?

Well, a bunch of bad guys break in, kill the guards and threaten to kill everyone if they don't turn over a bunch of money.

They need to break into the Vault.  Really?

Our Santa shows up and gets stranded, when his reindeer fly off.

Can he stop the bad guys?

Santa must remember his past experience as a fighter and be motivated to save everyone.

Is he up to the task?
Will they just gut his bowel full of jelly?

To find out, stream the Film now.

A fun, frenetic and violent Film...with heart.  In spite of the marketing of 'Santa Claus kills bad guys,' there's quite a few good morals and lessons here.

I know- I was surprised too.

The Film is a love letter to Christmas Films of the past- specifically the Die Hard Films.  The Plot structure is a pretty naked homage to the first Film, but there's more to it than just that. 
There's fighting in the snow and a Plot Point involving 'help' that isn't too helpful that's right out of Die Hard 2: Die Harder. 
Throw in the 'too drunk to care' at first Santa and you've got Die Hard 3's John McClane right there.  And yes, that is NOT a Christmas Film.  I guess they were just on a roll.

There's always a fun subplot that is setup nicely involving the kid watching Home Alone and being inspired by it.  The results are, well, different.  No SPOILERS.

Harbour is great here as Santa, getting a full Arc and more backstory than I was expecting here.  He learns many lessons AND gets to kill bad guys with a giant hammer.  Ho ho wholesome.

The Film wisely spends enough time on the terrible family members and no more, which is good.  It would be easy to linger on them too long and we ain't got time for that!

If you're a fan of good, visceral action a la John Wick Films, check this one out.  It still takes short breaks for Plot and Character, which is nice.  The Plot won't win any writing awards, but it gets everyone nicely from Point A to Point B with enough characterization to make it worth it.

Now this one is definitely not for the kiddies, so maybe just do the Lego Playset Version instead.

I'm not the most festive guy out there, but the Movie can 'get you in the feels.'  Just know that it does so between bad guys meeting violent (and justifiable) ends.

Tubi Thursday: The Elf (2017)

 Is it too late to trade this in for coal?  At least that has a practical purpose.

This does not...

A Cold (get it- it is Winter!) sets up a whole lot of nothing, save for general rules for the Elf.

In the Present (get it- it is Christmas time!), a guy finds a weird doll with a knife.
He doesn't throw it in the bin and leave, like a sane man.

He suffers from night terrors and vague fright that is easy to act out, but not actually explain.

He's freaked out when the Elf is on the Shelf.
Did I just violate copyright?

To make a long Movie short, we get...

Lots of arguing.

Lots of wandering around slowly.

Something about the guy seeing death as a kid.

The Elf starts to kill people...or so the Film implies.  You only see like 10% of what is supposed to happen.

Who will live?
Who will die?

Will this make me want to go into the Bathroom to cry and think about better Films?

Ho ho horrible.  I mean...I had to do that, right?

This one has potential.  There are over a dozen Puppet Master Films, a few of which are good.  There are what feels like 10,042 Christmas Horror Films.  I skipped over like 6 different Killer Santa Films to pick this one out.

Too late for a redo!

Director Justin Price has made a living doing Films that sound like other Films- like a one-man Asylum Studio.  Think I'm exaggerating?  Alien: Reign of Man.  The Mummy Rebirth.  The 13th Friday.

The biggest problem is that they just didn't have the money/production/wherewithal to put together a Film like this.  They use a CG Elf for one Scene and never again.  You get terrible POV mixed with shaky cam.  You get people holding a doll while a bunch of random slashing sounds are played.

When the Robert the Doll Franchise one-ups you, what does that say?

You made a bad Horror Film in the most boring way.  At least there's not a Sequel...oh, s#*t.

A Film that had potential and just kind of sucked.  I want these to be good- honest, I do!

Seven Up: The Bone Collector (1999)

 A Film that is more festive than you realize.

This is The Bone Collector, a 1999 Film based on a 1997 Book of the same name.  That last part is going to make things weirder later.

The Film was somewhat rushed into production after similar feeling/looking Books to Seven were all being snatched up.  Studios know what worked, so make more of it!  It comes to us from a Director (Phillip Noyce) with quite a few big Films on his Resume- Patriot Games, Sliver, The Saint & Clear and Present Danger- so he's no slouch.

He's also done many Films about serious topics- like Rabbit-Proof Fence, Above Suspicion and The Quiet American- that I'll likely never cover.  Sorry, Mr. Noyce.

The Plot involves an injured Detective working with a Rookie to solve a murder, that soon becomes a series of them.  Can they overcome their differences and disabilities to stop the killer?

To see why this was turned into a Show (that I might check out), read on...

A Cop- Denzel Washington- is trying to rescue someone in a tunnel when a CGI piece of debris (which is better than the CGI Car in the last Film) falls on him.

He's now a quadriplegic.  

On top of that, the way he got his injury has lead to him being at a high risk of serious seizures.

A large one could, sadly, make him a 'vegetable.'

As such, he's got a Doctor to agree to administer End of Life Care to him...in a week.

Separately, a young Cop- Angelina Jolie- checks on a Homeless Kid and stumbles across a Crime Scene, which she documents.

This relates to the earlier kidnapping of a Couple we saw by an unseen man or woman.

Since the victim was a rich guy and his Wife is still missing, it becomes a high-profile case.  Denzel, being a once high-profile Cop- was enough clout to put Jolie on the case, being his eyes and ears on the ground.

This creates a conflict with the Chief- Michael Rooker- which pays off later.

Sadly, they don't figure out the clues fast enough to save the woman.

From his home, Denzel asks Jolie to 'cut off body's hands, so that they can hopefully get prints from the cuffs that he claims 'forensics would just screw up.'

She can't do it and leaves...for once Scene and later comes back.

The killer takes another victim and they are, again, too late to save them.

This time it seems intentional by the killer, however, as they are set up to fail.

This leads to the duo being 'off the case' (Second Act Conflict Cliche #5)!

They keep working it unofficially, of course, and try to figure out how to save the next 2 potential victims.

The clues lead them to a Book called...The Bone Collector (???) and this helps them get there in time to save one of the victims.

Jolie learns too late who the real target is and rushes to save Denzel.  Who is it?

Well, in the first Scene, we see this Tech who works to fix Denzel's equipment.  He shows up once more to 'finish his work.'

Well, he's the killer and he unloads his back story and motivation like the bad guys in all good Mysteries do.

Denzel manages to fend him off using his wits- and the bed's controls- until the day could be saved.

In the final Scene, IT IS CHRISTMAS!  Ho ho ho!

It's a happy ending as Denzel's Lincoln has decided to keep living and reunites with his family.  There are 13 more Books, but no Sequels.

A pretty good Film that is definitely elevated by the Cast.  I'll also say this- the Title is a bit of an unnecessary roadblock to viewership too.

While the Title comes from the Book (both literal and Plot-wise), it doesn't really relate much to the content and likely scared off many people.  It still made $151 million, mind you, so maybe I'm dumb.

It is probably why the Show was called Lincoln Rhyme: Hunt for the Bone Collector though.

In case you didn't catch the sarcasm earlier, the ending reveals is kind of silly and cheap.  It is a misdirection, but it is also not informed by the Plot- at all.  His motivations are setup or even hinted at until he states them.

Amusingly, the same Actor would play a Cop in a real Seven rip-off I covered in 2016 AND was one of the killers in another Denzel Film I already covered.

The Film really hinges upon its Lead Actors to carry the weight.  Thankfully, they are up to the task, be it the complexity of Denzel's part, the emotion showed by Jolie or even the caring showed by Queen Latifah here.

Too bad another Cast Member who'd make it big later only gets 1 Scene.  Hi and Bye, Bobby Cannavale!

Next up, let me switch to something lighter and more fun.  How about another John Carpenter Film that I've neglected so far?  Stay tuned...

Holi-Shudder Day: The Creepshow Holiday Special

 Ho ho Holiday Frights!

I watched this a while ago, but never reviewed it.

Well, 'tis the Season!

If you need a break from Hallmark and A Christmas Story Marathons, here's a Host to give us a long, Holiday Story.

A man- Adam Pally- is convinced that something weird is going on with his body.  

Is he transforming?
Is he crazy?

Well, he finds a group called Shapeshifters Anonymous.

He learns that he's not alone, although the question is what he actually turns into.

You can be a Were-anything (as 'Were' just means human essentially).

Fortunately, they have a box of items to help test this...until trouble arises.

A group of people turning into animal hybrids isn't a Christmas Special, you say derisively.

I hear you, so hold on...

You see, the transforming people are actually targeted by Kris Kringle- who we call Santa Claus- since it was his mission to destroy their race of people/beings.

Can they unite to save themselves?
What happens when The Big Guy shows up?

To find out, stream this Holiday Special now!

A fun, strange and jolly time for all!

This one tends to lean more towards the overtly funny than most Creepshow Segments/Episodes tend to do.  It is rare to get an Episode that is all funny- assuming that it ever happened at all.

This one still delivers the creature work, so don't overlook it.  The transformation results are nice to see, both with the actual quality and the variety.  At least Anna Camp becomes a Were-cheetah and not a Were-hyena.

Is the Plot turn for the second half ridiculous?  Yes.  Does it make sense?  Not much.
Do I care?  No.

This crazy stand-alone Story works in its absurdity and really draws you in.  I guess all I can say now is, um, Cowabunga?

Bad on 2021 me for not getting around to this sooner.  Good on 2023 me for reminding everyone to give this another look.

Tubi Thursday; Christmas Blood (aka Juleblod) {2017}

 A Christmas Film from out of America.  Something that is Foreign must be better, right?

Right?!?

In a (very) Cold Open, a man dressed as Santa (eventually) kills a little girl and her Father.

Kids aren't off limits?  

Well, that...won't factor into the Story at all later. 
Oh.

In Norway, it isn't Show Don't Tell.

A bunch of pop up text tells us that they caught the killer and he was shot in the head, but survived...somehow.

He was locked up in an Asylum for 25 years.

Vis ikke fortell!!!

The actual Plot drags for a long-ass time.  Here's what happens...

A bunch of ladies go to a mostly-empty Town on Christmas Vacation.
Meanwhile, a Cop who looks like Leonardo DiCaprio in Inception (if you really squint) is on the case.

He eventually recruits the Cop from the Opening/Original Killings, who's now a drunk.  Ha? 

A pair of Cops are killed.  

They are never spoken of again.

After a long, long time, the killer finally begins to randomly kill the group of young people and their Tinder Dates.  Don't ask.

Is there a moral?
Is there a proper ending?

Nei.

Can I refund this for Store Credit?  I'll even take Kohl's Cash!

Christmas Blood was a long, dull Film that would randomly feature a bit of gruesome blood and guts.  

If you want to slog through an average of 10 minutes of bickering, techno music and filler to get to the moments, this is for you!

I didn't care about these Characters.
The Film is just vicious and cruel to its Characters.

They even do cliches and make them worse.  

As an example, we get the 'Mortician Eats While Showing the Body to the Cop' Cliche.  Only this time, he drops some of his food on the body, scoops it up with his hand and eats it.

Gross.

To be nice, they have some good splatter effects.  It's just too bad it is in THIS Film and not a good one.

Feel free to check this one out after my warning, but just know that this face is waiting for you if you do...

I almost want to apologize to the cheaper, sleazier Films I've covered from America.  Almost- they still sucked.