Thursday, November 4, 2021

Quick Review: Iron Mask (2019)

 A Russian, Chinese and American Film walk into a bar.  While they recover from head injuries, this is the Film we get...

In one corner, you have Jackie Chan.

He plays a locked-up Mystic with a quest to give.
In the other corner, you have Arnold Schwarzenegger.

He plays a British (pause for laughter) Warden who will let his prisoners fight for their freedom.
Sound good?

Well, enjoy about 10 minutes of the Film then.

It's *actually* about the Cartographer from Viy/Forbidden Empire as he stumbles across a Plot cribbed from a French Story.

Said Story is now about a Russian King, since those rubles don't pay themselves!
…or is it actually a Story about a Magic Dragon (not Puff), a Witch and some guys that they stole from Big Trouble in Little China?

Is it...all 3?!?
So, in summary, this Film is about the following...

A Cartographer hired by Peter the Great who goes to China.
A Magic Dragon held captive by a Witch.
A Princess who must save said Dragon at the behest of her father (Chan)
Chan trying to escape from a British Prison.
Russian Pirates helping our Hero's Wife save him (while Charles Dance stays at home).

Any questions?
An odd Film experience all-around.  So, this one has alot of back-story.  It was a Sequel to a Russian Film that was a big hit.  It was co-Produced by China.  Weird how a Film by these two has zero Gay Characters, huh?  Strange.  Anyhow, this mish-mash of Wuxia, Action Film, Fantasy and Historical is...as weird as that sounds.  It's never quite a full Martial Arts Film.  It's never quite a Fantasy Exploration Film.  It is never quite a Film where magic is 100% real.  For instance, it retcons the ending of Viy/Forbidden Empire where he thinks that everything wasn't magic.  At the same time, magic is definitely real, since we have a magic dragon and a Witch.  At the same time, the Witch fakes the Dragon (as she can't control it).  She also fakes having magic bodyguards by way of technology.  She also has magical masks that allow her (and others) to look like the Princess.  So...is it real or not?  The Film's biggest problem is focus.  It opens with a long bit of exposition about the dragon...which doesn't matter until like the hour mark (if that).  It sets up Flemyng's Lead...only to constantly forget about him.  It sometimes remembers its Characters throughout until *most* of them show up for the ending.  It begins and ends like a Wuxia Film with either Donnie Yen, Jet Li or, well, Jackie Chan in a small role.  In the middle, it's Russian Kreplach, American French Fries, British Bangers and whatever Country you think Arnold's accent is supposed to represent here.  Let's see if this Russian Poster clears anything up...

A weird-ass mish-mash of Genres.  If you like your Desert with your cheap Steak and your Sushi, this one is for you...weirdo.

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