Rare Flix: Embryo (1976)

 As far as scary Movie Monsters go, this is pretty low on the list.  This is Embryo, a 1976 Sci-Fi/Horror Film.  No, it's not really about a killer Embryo.  A being has to be at least born to be a threat.  Granted- it could be a killer baby, provided that it has teeth like in the It's Alive Trilogy.  That or could be aborted, dumped in toxic waste and then come back for revenge.  Yes, that is a real Film.  What is this Film then?  This is one of those 'Science can be dangerous' Films that were all the rage in this time.  Science- it is evil...or something.  I wish that things have changed, but people think that Microsoft is putting chips in people through shots and that Liberals want to force everyone to have Sex Change Operations, so...maybe not.  In this case, a Doctor is trying to preserve life outside of the womb.  What a rat bastard!  To make a Movie happen, he makes a few (or many) mistakes along the way.  Notable Cast includes our Lead- Rock Hudson.  Oh boy, I'm really going all in for Pride Month, aren't I?!?  This is just a silly, well-meaning piece of silly Filmmaking, so I won't get *into the weeds* on the subject.  Mind you, there is still stuff being written about him and the situation, even as recently as 2010!  Other Cast Members include TV/Film mainstay Barbara Carrera and Diane Ladd, an Actress notable for many, many Films.  For me, it is Carnosaur.  There's also another name that I won't SPOIL here just yet.  To see how good Science can go bad, read on...

A Doctor- Hudson- is trying to provide a way to keep life sustainable outside of a womb, in case of such events as a miscarriage.

As luck (I guess!) would have it, he hits a pregnant dog with his car and can test his formula/devices on them.

The dark convenience of this is just that- nothing more.  I was expecting a twist that never came.

His work proves successful on one of the three embryos, with the dog aging up faster than normal thanks to his formula.

After LOTS of Voice-Over explaining his work (seriously, it's like they paid Rock by the word), he works on a human fetus.

Can he save it too?

He can!

The fetus grows to full Adulthood thanks to his drug, but he manages to stop the increased aging.

Now it is a Bond Girl- neat.

She picks up all of her knowledge while she is hidden in the Mansion.  He thinks that things are going great.  Is he right?

In a random-ass Scene, he takes her to a Party to see how she can interact with people.

She runs across a Chess Champion and beats him based on her reading all about the rules.

He doesn't take it well and he's...Roddy McDowall?!?

Well, forget about him- he's only in that Scene.  Bye, Roddy!

Back home, the 'titular' character runs into some problems- she is starting to age fast again.

Can she find a cure?  What will the cost be?

She captures the fiancée of Hudson's Son, convinced that she can take some enzymes (or something) from her unborn child to stop the aging process.

This won't end well.

It does not.

Hudson's Son is killed by the woman, the removed fetus is knocked over, his equipment/notes are destroyed...but I guess the Daughter-in-Law might live.

He chases down his experiment, leading a fiery car crash.

She's rapidly-aged to look like she's about 90, but she's also pregnant due to her hooking up with Hudson earlier.

As he's dragged away, we get a black screen and a baby's cry.  Sequel bait?  The End.

A silly, but self-important Film.  I didn't mention it earlier, but the Film begins with text explaining that the Science in the Film is based on real experiments.  They obviously go beyond what was viable at the time (or now).  Did they need that though?  Is it like the 'this really happened- for real' taglines/text crawls you'd get.  Remember the guy from Texas Chainsaw Massacre?  What a liar.  This sets the tone up for you and boy is it serious.  The Film is chock full of narration and science talk.  I think your average Episode of House has less medical jargon than this Film.  I wonder if Rock Hudson had the slightest idea what he was talking about in that Booth.  The Plot is decent, but adds nothing new.  She is evil because she doesn't have a soul...or something.  Ultimately, she just wants to stay alive- how dare she?!?  Yes, she does bad things.  Yes, that dog is apparently evil too.  Do they explain it?  No.  I guess if you artificially-age a dog outside of a womb, it is just plain evil.  Take notes, kids!  Embryo breaks no new grounds.  It's another one of those 'someone is evil because reasons' Movies that were all the rage.  You know what I mean.  It's not great.  It's not terrible.  Hudson was at least trying here, so good for him.  On the plus side, it is Public Domain, so go nuts.  As for me, I'm just wondering why the Husband of a Syrup Mascot did Make-Up work...

Next time, an '80s Film about how it isn't safe in the Water.  That sure narrows it down, huh?  Stay tuned...

New Streaming: Loki- Episode 1

 The longest 6 weeks ever in the History of Mankind- if you believe the Internet.  This is the first Episode of...

In the wake of Endgame messing with the ending of The Avengers, Loki ends up in a strange place...

The Time Variance Authority.

He's lost all control and faces punishment from a higher power for his recent misdeeds.

This version- mind you- hasn't even gotten to do future (to him) misdeeds like the ones in Thor: The Dark World and Thor: Ragnarok.

He's saved for being erased (for now) by a higher up in the TVA (Owen Wilson), who tries to understand Loki, since he needs him for a mission.

He seems to also care, which is nice.

Will Lok agree?  Will he learn?
Will he achieve his dreams?

To find out, stream the first Episode before the new one drops.

A strong, surprisingly-deep first Episode.  This 'Pilot' has it all.  It features The Avengers- giving you the explanation for this Loki's appearance-, a new MCU Star, a new and mysterious group and the biggest surprise Star of the whole Franchise.  Just think if they had actually picked Tom Hiddleston to play Thor and not Loki- it could have happened!  He's such a natural fit for this role and really gets to stretch himself here.  We got cocky Loki.  We get nervous Loki.  We get serious Loki.  We get world-weary Loki?  Yeah, he gets to do more than usual.  No, I won't SPOIL the context for most of this.  Sufficed to say, Loki learns alot- perhaps too much.  Will this strengthen him or break him?  I guess we have to wait and see.  Kudos to Wilson for fitting right into the MCU without having to break a sweat.  He has a naturalistic approach here that works to contrast the hard Sci-Fi aspects of the Plot.  I hope to see more of him in other stuff, depending on how this all plays out.  The Plot gives us lots of mysteries to ponder (and make 6,042 YouTube Videos about).  Will it deliver what fans are expecting this time?  Let's watch and find out.  Bonus shout-out to the people behind the 'Introduction' Video for new Prisoners- nice stuff...

Next time, will Loki take part in a mission...or will he just keep up his mischief.  Has he really changed?  See you then...

Rare TV Flix: The Great Escape II- The Untold Story (Part 2)

 After the last Review, what has changed?

Recap time...

- A bunch of Prisoners are in a German POW Camp in WWII.
- In the Film, they are mostly-American.  In real life, not so much.
- 71 of them escape in a daring move.  They should make a Film about that!
- 50 of them are captured and killed in a violation of International Rules.
- A few key people- like Reeve and Denison- escape from Germany.  Others- like McShane- do not.

Let's begin...

After meeting with his Cousin Churchill (played by the guy who was the bad guy in Raiders of the Lost Ark!), Reeve is sent back after the War ends.

He meets up with Denison and a new Officer- Judd Hirsch, finally showing up in this thing!- to investigate who killed the POWs.

They run into some conflict as some Nazi Officers are dead, while others are protected by military brass.  Not that they like them- they just have intel they can use.

This is the next hour, so...enjoy.

There is some intrigue as some of the former Officers try to hide, while others try to manipulate some benefits out of their talking.

There's eventually some real action on the back-end as they find some remaining Soldiers protecting an Officer and ultimately Reeve directly fights the man behind the Kill Order.

The day is saved, the Nazis are dead and a very specific rule for the future is established.  The End.

A decent continuation, but I'm not sure how prolonged this needed to be.  The first part is the setup, the actual Escape and then the aftermath.  There's alot there, even if the big moment is from the original Film.  This one is all new and...isn't all that exciting.  There's lots of talking.  There's lots of meetings.  Winston Churchill shows up.  There's more meetings.  They eventually get to a more interesting place, but it takes awhile.  The actual Story is fine, but not that interesting by comparison.  It's not bad.  If you want to see Judd Hirsch played like he's an Action Star, however, this is your Film!  The idea that he's some intimidating Military Officer doesn't quite work here, as much as they try.  Reeve brings some real passion here, showing yet again how typecasting him as Superman was a real disservice.  If you want to see it for that, I'd recommend it.  As a whole, the Mini-Series is fine, but not able to quite live up to the name attached to it.  You might also be surprised to learn that there's more than one The Great Escape 2 (though it's actually Season 2 of a Show)...

Next time, a Scientist with good intentions 'plays God.'  Will this be the one time that it actually works out?  Stay tuned...

WTF Cover Art?!?: The Visitor (1979)

 A Film with multiple Actors of note, a confusing Plot and a weird message.

What else do you need?

A weird-ass Poster like this...

That's...something.

There's an evil one-eyed being with freaky claws is ripping open...the sky?

Yeah, no.

Neat, but no.

Here's the original...

Pretty minor changes, but you can see the differences if you look at the colors.

Rare TV Flix: The Great Escape II- The Untold Story (Part 1)

 A Film that, apparently, someone demanded.  This is The Great Escape II: The Untold Story, a 1988 TV Mini-Series.  Why do we have this?  Well, let's go back to the classic Film.  It tells the tale of POWs escaping from an 'unescapable' Prison Camp in WWII.  It famously ends with the titular Escape.  Well, what happened next?  That's...a fair question, no?  Of course, to make this work, this has to be a Mini-Series that recaps some familiar moments from the Film.  I guess you could just go right from the end, but its not seamless, right?  As such, this first section is basically just a new version of The Great Escape with a little bit more at the end.  Since this is a Mini-Series, I'm doing it in two parts.  Notable Cast here is Christopher Reeve and future grizzled man Ian McShane.  Is this obscure Film (which finally appeared on Streaming recently) worth looking up after 30+ years?  To find out, read on...

A man- Reeve- escapes a Prison, goes around a City, picks up some information and...then surrenders?

Weird.

Later, a young Officer- future The Closer Star Tony Denison- is captured and proves to be useful to the other Prisoners as they plan their escape.

Reeve takes his punishment well and helps plan a big escape.  I wish I could think of another adjective better than 'big' here, but it escapes me.  Great job, dummy!

The gang makes big on their plans- after some hijinks, of course- and escape.

There's like 2 hours left in this one (between both Parts), so what happens next?

The Escape doesn't exactly go well all around, with the majority being recaptured and killed.

Enough make it out, however, for Part 2.

A decent addition that treads some pretty familiar territory.  On the plus side, the first Part tells a good Story.  On the negative side, it tells a story that we already know quite well.  The Great Escape is a pretty damn famous Movie, after all!  So did they improve things?  Not really.  Do they mess them up?  Not really.  Thankfully, the latter portion is new and 'untold' stuff.  As a fun reminder, part of this tale is based on the real exploits of Barry Mahon, the Director of Santa Claus & The Ice Cream Bunny, as well as Nudist Camp Horror Films and Errol Flynn's love-letter to Fidel Castro.  Reeve does a good job, as part of his sadly-unsuccessful attempt to be seen as anything other than 'the guy who played Superman.'  McShane shines in a fairly-small role, adding some nice gravitas.  Denison, for his part, is good too.  We also get Donald Pleasance as an evil SS Officer, which is notable since he was one of the Escapees in the original Film!  There's nothing bad here and it is a good, enjoyable time.  Even so, it doesn't feel wholly-unique, which is a problem when the Film you're like is an American Movie Classic.  Let's see how Part 2 goes...

Next time, Part 2 brings us more of the Untold Story.  Will it add enough to make you care?  Stay tuned...

Fiction vs. Fiction: The Lawnmower Man

 I spent a whole $4.99 on a Paperback Copy of Stephen King's Night Shift and I'm going to get my money's worth!

Let's begin with his most controversial Story-to-Film Adaptation...

***VS***

What's the Same?

A guy uses a Lawnmower on a Lawn.  A man is killed by a Lawnmower.

What's different?

Oh boy, here we go...

The Film is about a somewhat-crazy Scientist who takes the local Lawnmower Man and does some experiments on him...

The titular man- Jobe- becomes super-smart and gets, well, Matrix powers that Neo would get in those Sequels.

Basically, it is Flower for Algernon for the Internet Generation.

To see the actual story, you need to track down a Dollar Baby like I did in 2014...

This follows the story nearly verbatim.

A man lets his lawn grow too long and hires a strange service to mow it.

The man eats the grass, talks about working for Pan and kills our Lead when he tries to call the Police.

You want to know more?

Tough- the Short Story is about 10 pages long.

Final Thoughts.

The infamous Film was a cash grab used to sell a random-ass Story that had nothing to do with King's Story.  

He sued over this.  He won.

The real Story is weird as hell.

So which is better?

One is short and weird.  One is longer, weird and full of dated CGI.
Take your pick.

Lost in Translation?: Saturn 3

 Am I done talking about this Movie?
Yes.

I just have more Posters though, so...

This Japanese Poster is Star Wars as hell!

The font!  The ship!

Yeah, that's not what the Film is about- at all.

Here's the original Poster...

This one was quite washed out and he gave it that Photoshop shine once again.

Quick Review: The Visitor (1979)

 Is it a Film about Aliens?  Is it a Film about an evil child?  Is it a Horror Film?  Is it Sci-Fi?  Is my name Jerry Coleslaw?

Let's find out...

Somewhere, we see John Huston, a Sun, a mysterious figure and lots of sand.

Ominous music tells us that this means something serious...but not what it actually is.

We then cut to a blond, bearded man (Franco Nero!) who is talking to lots of bald kids.  I guess they were just big THX-1138 fans.

He speaks vaguely of evil and power and...well, there he goes.

A business man- Lance Henriksen- is questioned about his mysterious wealth and reports to a cabal of boring-ass businessmen.

His mission involves getting a woman to love him...for reasons that aren't super-clear.

The woman is raising a Daughter, who keeps getting observed by Huston.  She apparently has some sort of telekinetic powers, for reasons that aren't clear.

At her Birthday Party, someone gives her...a gun(!!!) and she casually tosses it onto the ground, whereupon it fires and paralyzes her Mom.

What in the what?!?

This brings the woman and Henriksen closer together, but more craziness is afoot.

Glenn Ford is killed by a bird sent by...someone.
The girl uses more of her powers to do stuff like bully some boys in a skating rink.

Huston shows up as 'a Babysitter' and makes it clear to the girl that she's being observed.

Also John Huston plays Pong.  Cross that off your Bucket List!

Is the little girl going to kill her Mother?
Will John Huston save the day?

What's the deal with all of those birds?

Why is this Film about Aliens and an evil Damien-like girl?

To find out, watch the Film.  I saw the Rifftrax version, but feel free to watch the kind you like.

What was this Movie?  It had a Plot involving aliens, an evil girl, John Huston, killer birds, telekinesis and what appeared to be future people.  I can't pinpoint what kind of Film they were actually going for, but they sure hit like 4 or 5 different kinds at once, didn't they?  It has lots of great Actors in it.  Not mentioned in the Review, you have Shelley Winters and Mel Ferrer.  As a bonus, here's Sam Peckinpah- why not?!?  It has some really good Music, even if the Film doesn't do it justice.  Did you include 4-10 minutes of John Huston walking up stairs?  Well, play some big, orchestral music over it and it sounds great!  It's still John Huston walking up some stairs though.  All of the random elements here are honestly well-made.  Is it silly?  Yes.  Does it look bad?  Honestly, no.  It's just a shame that they could decide what kind of Movie to make and just do that one right.  One little secret about the Film is that it is Italian.  It's Director- Giulio Pardisi- was credited as Michael J. Paradise.  That's...close enough?  If you like strange, this is for you.  If you like coherent and strange, well, this might not do it.  That Soundtrack though...

A quirky and bizarre Film that doesn't know what to be.  It is the equivalent of mixing all of your leftovers into a casserole- just in Film form.

Poor Bastards of Cinema: Addams Family Reunion

 The Addams Family have always been kooky and ooky, but did they always kill?

In Reunion (the TV Movie Pilot for the forgotten '90s Sitcom), we see their Mailman and he's very cautious.

Why?

Well, their Mailbox is *literally* a Monster and attacks him with his CGI tongue!

He's saved at the last minute when he arrives in front of the famous House with their Mail (which sets up the Plot).

However, when Gomez leaves, all bets are off and some killer vines come for the poor guy.

Family Comedy!

So yeah, he's dead and he's evidently not the first one.

Oh well- the Plot moves on without him!

Damn!

The lesson: be anything but a Mailman, a Cop or a Prostitute.  I mean, if you want to live, that is.

Next time, the first of the random victims in Houseboat Horror.  Crikey- she did nothing!