Mummies Alive Week: The Mummy Theme Park

Yes, this is real!  I found this movie and thought it was something other than what it was.  After all, there is a Mummy attraction at one of the major theme parks in Florida and I thought it was about that or something.  Nope.  This is another 'looks like it was made in the '80s' horror movie by Massimilano Cerchi.  Yes, the Director of Plankton has struck again and I've come across another one of his movies (of which there are only about seven).  Just my luck!  The plot of this film involves a rich Sheik (redundant, I guess), a Mummy theme park being built and a dumb blond who likes fashion montages.  While I would normally do a straight review here, there are just so many stupid things here to show you that I have to do it Review in Pictures-style.  If you haven't seen this film (hello, 98% of you, I guessing), you'll be amazed...at how dumb it is.  Let's get ourselves some E Tickets for our trip to...

* In a confusing opening, some men in old-looking clothes open a tomb after a model (get used to that) earthquake occurs.  However, we see via title card that only a week goes by...before they've built the Park.

* Another thing to get used to is some of the worst blue screen effects ever.  The film's release year- 2000!

* The ridiculous plot involves the Sheik building mechanical Mummies a la The Hall of Presidents around the real Mummies found in the ruins.  No, really.

* The death of many a lackey occurs here.  Nobody seems to really notice for a while though.  They're too busy trying to not stop on the models, I guess.

* Speaking of models, our lead heroine is one.  She wastes about four minutes of screen time posing in different outfits.  Throw in the model footage (not of her) in the beginning and you have a good 7-10 minutes!

* Our heroes go on a tour of the site and see the blue screens...I mean, place.  The Mummies come after them when exposed to flashing light.  What are they, the creatures from Howling 3?

* The scene of them being chased by the Mummy goes on forever.  They burn him and he chases them as a charred mummy.  The burn him more and he chases them as a skeleton.  Forbidden Zone was less silly than this scene!

* The other Mummies decide to start killing the Sheik and his men.  Cue ridiculous death effects!

* In The End, our heroes escape the Theme Park as the evil Sorceress (oops, I forgot about her) re-seals it.  She also manages to get on the model- I mean, real- train with them to escape.  Do all Mummies escape in these films?  The End.

Holy crap, this is dumb!  The plot of this movie is just silly as all hell.  Let me just summarize it quickly, since it makes its own jokes for me.  A sorceress opens up a crack in the ground, revealing a tomb and a bunch of mummies.  A Sheik sees this and spends $250 million on building a Theme Park there, complete with a concession area and Gift Shop.  He invites a photographer to take some publicity stills in order to drum up interest.  However, his half-animatronic/half-real Mummies come to life and start killing people.  That sad part is this- there is so much more crap in this movie that I haven't even covered.  This long, tedious sub-plot involving the Sheik's women fighting for his attention.  At one point, they even get miffed by a holographic Harem Girl made by a scientist!  What does this add?  Absolutely nothing, save for a longer run-time.  I read about four pages of user reviews for this film on Netflix and nearly every one of them said that they stopped after 15 minutes.  You fools- you missed all of the glorious crap!  I heartily recommend this film to anyone who loves to laugh at terrible movies.  It's a bit slow at times, but it is just ripe with material.  I'm just a little sad that it took me so long to find it.  Take us away, sacrilege...

Next up, Project Terrible returns with a tale of skeletons that kill.  You'd better give that skeleton a shotgun like you promised!  Stay tuned...

Mummies Alive Week: Blood from the Mummy's Tomb

It's like Deja Vu and time travel- all in one!  

Today's film is the 1967 adaptation of Bram Stoker's 'Jewel of the Seven Stars'.  I mentioned it earlier- in my review of Bram Stoker's The Mummy- and decided to review it instead of Mummy Maniac.  Why? 

 Well, this one doesn't have a pun title and doesn't use a pun in its official summary.  I think that I made the right call, don't you?  

This film was made by Hammer, so you can expect blood, boobs and death.  This film does not disappoint for the most part.  

Since I covered the plot pretty well the last time, I'm just going to highlight this film's key points, differences and the like.  

Feel free to wonder why they put quotes around the title...

* This film doesn't skip right to the guy in coma.  
Instead, they build up the plot.  Gasp.

* They also build up the Sorceress as being powerful.  
Again- gasp.

* Her jewel is now a ring and literally has a view of seven stars in it.  
That's a bit literal, but alright.

* At over half an hour in, we have more build-up and see the dig gone wrong in full.  
What a concept!

* Gossett Jr's character is still here, although he's played by a white, British guy.  This is Hammer, so that's no surprise.

* Just like in the other film, our heroine is the striking likeness of the Sorceress.  Unlike the other film's heroine, however, this lady has a more...Russ Meyer body.

* The 'Eric Lutes' guy does a little more, but is about as effective as most Hammer boyfriends.  
They suck.

* That Sorceress...she's worth the price of admission, as they say.  
Meow.  

The End.

Stop- Hammer time!  

The plot of this movie is mostly the same as Bram Stoker's The Mummy, but that should be a given.  After all, they're both based on the same story/book.  

That said, this movie does things a lot better!  

The story is actually interesting, the events are shown (not just explained) and the movie has atmosphere.  

Rather than padding the film out with fake deaths and Mummies hidden in shadow, the film builds up the Sorceress' power and influence.  

The actress playing both the Sorceress and the heroine is also quite hot too, helping the whole thing out.  

To be fair, the actual plot is still a bit silly, but you do have to realize that the original story is not exactly modern.  

Out of all the films I've covered so far, this one is the best.  

That's not as ringing of an endorsement as it would be for most film sites, but it still counts.  

I'll leave you with a glimpse of the film's two biggest stars...

Next up, the main event arrives as I cover a Mummy film by the Director of Plankton.  This one is just epically bad...and hilarious.  Stay tuned...

Poor Bastards of Cinema: Yeti- Curse of the Snow Demon

This one is not your usual Poor Bastard of Cinema, but it's a very fitting induction nonetheless.

In Yeti, one character gets shat upon more than any other.  First, he is chased by the Yeti and breaks his leg, forcing him to use his friend's severed arm as a stint.  Wait- what?!?

He gets chased by the Yeti out of the cave and stumbles down the hill.  Ouch.

The guy vanishes for a while, but manages to make it back to the group.  Unfortunately, they go all Dirty Harry on his ass when they mistake him for the Yeti.  Maybe he'll be okay...

...or maybe not.  That's the end for him...or is it?

No, he actually survives for this film's Epilogue.  They don't explain it, but I guess the Flare didn't pierce his brain.  Does he actually get a happy ending?

Nope.  One of the Yetis survives to kill him during the Credits.

What did this character do to warrant such torture?  The guy just wanted to play Football in Japan...dammit.

Up next, an old man just wants to live in peace with his dog.  Cue Ronald Reagan!  Stay tuned...

Mummies Alive Week: 7 Mummies

This movie will seem familiar soon enough.  I doubt many of you took the time to watch this movie, so I'll give you a brief summary.  Criminals look for gold.  A town has the gold.  Danny Trejo is an Indian.  These are all things that happen.  What does this have to do with Mummies?  You'll see.  In the meantime, enjoy me attempting to make sense of this movie.  Just remember- it's safer than Nazi gold.  1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6...

In an opening flashback, some people search for gold.  They get attacked by something that the movie doesn't show and they die.  In a true show of just how low-budget this movie is, we cut to a Prison Transport Bus having already crashed.  You can't afford on-screen crashing?!?  What are you- Werewolf?  The male guard is killed, but the female one is left alive.  It's important to bring her along, since you're just going to wonder about the desert for a bit.  As a side-note, Sexism finally pays off.  You're welcome, ladies!  They run across a man named Apache- no, really- and he's played by Danny Trejo.  Okay, I haven't seen Indians this fake since Cannibal: The Musical...and that was a joke.  He gives them some water- after they pay him for it- and he tells that about some gold out in the Desert.  That makes perfect sense, especially since they're all still wearing their Prison garb and have a hostage.  This leads to them wandering around the Desert some more and pretending to be the Jews.  How often can I reference Werewolf, a Trey Parker film and the Bible in one paragraph?!?

After more padding, the group end up in an Old West town.  Gee, this isn't suspicious at all!  The group take it all in stride, especially since there is a woman with big tits there.  This is starting to feel familiar.  The town's leader shows up and he's played by Billy Drago.  Look out, Brisco County Sr!  Raise you hand if you got that joke, audience!  The whole thing goes really well, leading to the black guy of the group getting a night with a prostitute.  That night, the townsfolk turn into...vampire mummies, I guess.  Wait- this is a freaking From Dusk 'Til Dawn!  God dammit!  I'm done here!

Are you kidding me?  The plot of this movie is just ridiculous.  The movie sets up a lazy premise, has the characters wander around for a bit until they find a plot...and when they do, it's of a movie made nearly ten years earlier!  That's so freaking dumb!  I mean, you can rip-off of a movie and be good...I guess, but this isn't.  They go so far to rip-off that movie that they forget what their title is.  Why is this called 7 Mummies?  There are no Mummies, there are vampires and there are far more than 7 of them!  The whole thing is just a big joke that doesn't really have a purpose.  Maybe the film gets better in the Third Act, but that's like saying that you should walk over broken glass to get a $1 bill.

Next up, I cover the 1967 adaptation of the same tale that gave us Bram Stoker's The Mummy.  Save me from a repeat of crap, Hammer!  Stay tuned...

Impossibly-Cool Cover Art: Santo & The Treasure of Dracula

I've seen Dracula shoot lightning, throw fireballs and oggle women in the shower.  However, this El Santo film tops them all...

...pardon?  I tried to translate this via Google Search and none of it made a whole lot of sense.  Even the vampire in the top left seems upset by this title!

Next up, it's Indiana Jones...but it's not.  It looks awesome, but I have no idea what this is!  Stay tuned...

Mummies Alive Week: Bram Stoker's The Mummy

Are you kidding me?  While it's true that Bram Stoker wrote many other tales, isn't a little cheap to slap the name onto every one of them?  Hell, not every version of Frankenstein felt the need to call itself 'Mary Shelly's Frankenstein' after all.  Realistically, films like Shadowbuilder, Burial of the Rats and To Die For would not sell themselves.  This film is allegedly based on 'Bram Stoker's Jewel of the Seven Stars,' a story that is not exactly that famous.  I should note that this story has already been adapted into a film back in 1971, making this 1998 film a bit silly.  The film's biggest star is Louis Gossett Jr, which is probably the only thing it has going for it.  Other than that, we have Home Improvement's Richard Karn and Caroline in the City's Eric Lutes.  Star power if I've ever seen it!  The plot is silly and goofy, but I have plenty of time to get into that further down.  If you go to a book store, don't bother looking for...

The film begins with an old man being attacked in his study by...something.  We never see it- big shock.  The man's daughter calls in her old friend/boyfriend (Lutes) who comes in to help her.  He talks with his friend (Karn) about the situation, who is also an Egyptologist.  Well, at least they have something to talk about!  When they talk about an ancient curse that the lady brought up, he pretends to be stricken by magic and die.  That's kind of a dick move- I'm talking to both him and the filmmakers.  In the character's defense, he only does that once!  We get some more intrigue in the house as a housekeeper is attacked by flying glass and a Detective investigates everyone.  Lutes and the girl hook up, but something strange happens after he wakes up.  He meets up with Karn, who reveals that Gossett's character is evil, only for a midget mummy to pop out, stab King and turn him into Sand.  Our hero wakes up from this dream, making the whole scene- say it with me- entirely pointless.

Finally, Lutes meets up with Gossett Jr for real and he agrees to help out in the situation.  He used to send artifacts to the comatose dad.  This also makes him a suspect, as the last piece was sent from him.  He explains that the whole thing is related to some Egyptian Sorceress that the two had been looking into for years.  Gossett relays a Flashback in which he- as a kid- saw some magic kill people in a tomb.  Clearly, that would drive me to raid tombs too!  Lutes continues to just kind of look around and wonder what's going on.  Way to totally help, dude!  The Detective has an ulterior motive as he tries to find a gem, which is hidden in a safe.  He has a black guy go looking into the history of it, but the guy gets attacked in his apartment by...um, wind or something.  Karn, in turn, tries to call and warn our hero, but dies when lightning strikes him in the phone booth.  Are you really dead this time?!?

The entire Third Act of the film gets weird, stays weird and only gets weirder still!  Gossett Jr leads the others in gathering material to do a ritual to put the Sorceress' spirit to rest.  They dig up some materials while the titular Mummy takes out some people.  Don't worry- none of them are that important.  Also, you can apparently die from being sucked into quicksand in a basement.  The ceremony takes place, but things take a dark turn.  Gossett Jr. really is evil, attempting to resurrect the Sorceress.  The price of being evil, unfortunately, is having to wear a silly hat (see below).  Our hero manages to take out Gossett Jr, but gets stabbed in the process.  A weird dream sequence/magic moment occurs and the film jumps to the pair leaving the house, the father having awoken from his coma.  They leave on a romantic trip, but our hero finds that his lady is the vessel for the Sorceress.  Dun dun dun.  The End.

Bram is rolling in his grave!  The plot of this movie silly, obtuse and a bit confusing.  I don't know a whole lot about the original story, but this movie is just kind of dumb.  It takes a while to really get going and I never quite got a handle on what was going on.  To be honest, there really is not a lot there, so they pad it out with numerous Karn scenes, a romantic sub-plot, Gossett Jr's story and the side characters.  When you get right down to it, it's just about a ceremony taking place, which happens in the last ten minutes.  The whole thing feels cheap, the effects are not great (when there even are any) and none of it is really that interesting.  The fake-out death for kind (the one in the dream) is actually more interesting than anything else.  When your Big-Lipped Alligator Moment tops the whole thing, you've done your job wrong.  There are some moments to be had here, but you have to be patient.  Just like it what Richard Karn thought after he saw it...

Up next, the ante is upped from just one Mummy.  That's right- there are several Mummies this time!  Stay tuned...
  

Lost in Translation: Jaws (AGAIN...again)

I can't help it!  This movie is just a gold mine for ridiculous shit.  While this one is not as weird as the 'light bright' Jaws poster, it is something...

Remember when all of the heroes were Gods, smoke from a boat projected film scenes and Jaws wore a name tag on his lip?  Yeah- me neither.

Next up, I take a two-part look at a John Carpenter film's foreign poster woes.  Here's a hint- there's big trouble involved.  Stay tuned...

Mummies Alive Week: The Mummy's Shroud

It's cliche history, folks!  Today's film is a movie that contains a lot of the tropes and cliches that people have come to associate with the Mummy film.  The film is called The Mummy's Shroud and you will probably get a feeling of Deja Vu while hearing about/seeing it.  The plot involves a Mummy, a fortune teller and lots of killing.  Throw in some authority figure cliches, the 'evil foreigner' and you've got a movie.  This film is in kind of an odd place, as it's not a Hammer film or a Universal one.  That makes it a bit obscure, although it is readily-available on DVD.  Then again, Dahmer vs. Gacy is on DVD, so that doesn't mean a whole lot.  This movie is an interesting little piece of history.  There's no need to grab your sweater, because I have...

We get a flashback to Ancient Egypt.  Yes, we start off with one of the most overused ones to date!  It's good, but overused.  After several minutes of that, we jump to the present day and find some people looking around the tombs.  This part actually goes on for longer than you might think, especially given that a Mummy film is just an excuse to show a Mummy do stuff!  Instead, they spend about twenty minutes between the flashback and this before setting up the Mummy being brought back to life via the titular shroud.  Took you long enough!

The middle portion of the film is essentially these events, played out in a random order...

* The Mummy kills people from the group at the behest of a Fortune Teller and an Egyptian.
* The father tries to leave Egypt, rightly-afraid of being killed.
* The Police Captain tells the father not to leave and subsequently has to stop him from leaving.

Rinse and repeat for about forty-five minutes.

Eventually, the remaining heroes figure out what is going on.  Oddly, the Police don't, despite the very first victim having his head crushed!  The mother- who appears to be a younger actress in old-age make-up- and son investigate, leading them to the Fortune Teller.  The other villain commands the Mummy to attack them, leading to the best action scene of the film.  If you've never seen a Mummy swing an axe at someone, now is your chance.  Eventually, the Chief of Police shoots the villain, allowing our heroes to burn the Shroud.  This causes the Mummy to fall apart and die...for some reason.  All is well...unless you were one of the dozen people killed here.  The End.

It's not bad, but it ain't anything great either.  The plot of this movie is simple enough to work.  I do question the pacing a bit, as they draw out the actual revival of the Mummy for quite a while.  Once it goes into action, it does deliver.  Aside from the stock aspects- the evil foreigner, snooty rich guy, etc- there were a few tweaks thrown in there.  For example, the Mummy kills one guy by pouring acid all over him.  That's certainly different!  Ultimately though, the film doesn't offer a whole lot that you haven't seen before.  Even judged by the standard of its day (1967), it's nothing all that unique.  It isn't a bad Mummy film & is by far the most adequate that I've seen so far for this week's reviews.  I do find it a bit funny how the Mummy bears a striking similarity to The Scarecrow (in the face anyways).  Take us away, random fight scene.

Next up, the most famous vampire writer of all-time (not Anne Rice) brings us a Mummy tale.  Given that I've never heard of it, I'm sure that the film adaptation is going to be super!  Stay tuned...

VHS For The Win: Robot Ninja

Peanut butter and chocolate.  That's a great combination.  Similarly, the combination of a 'robot' and a 'ninja' is also awesome...

This movie could be about a robot ninja redoing his awning or tiling his living room...and I'd still watch it.  I don't even care if his head appears to be the one used for Lord Zed in Power Rangers!

Next up, a giant head in the sky.  That's about all I've got to work with.  Stay tuned...

1,400th Post Celebration: The Patchwork Girl of Oz

Seriously, I need a new hobby! To celebrate 1,400 posts at Mondo Bizarro, I'm bringing you an obscure movie from nearly 100 years ago. Seems par for the course, huh? Let's step back in our Delorean to the year 1914 and meet a writer named L. Frank Baum. To my younger readers (not like I'm that old, but whatever) or those that don't know classic literature, Baum is the Writer of the 'Oz' series of books. Yes, it is a series- despite only the first one being super-famous. In fact, 1939's The Wizard of Oz is so famous- thank you, Ted Turner- that people fail to realize that about a half-dozen films precede it! The oldest known film is 1910's Wizard of Oz, which is a Silent Film adaptation that has more to do with Baum's Musical adaptation of the story. Another fact many don't realize is that Baum was not just a Writer of books/short stories. No, Baum Produced Musicals and Plays to promote his tales, not leaving it to others. Today's film is not the first one- obviously- but it is the oldest one I could find that is not a version of the most often done story. This Silent Film is a version of another tale in Oz, not even featuring Dorothy! In fact, only one of the characters most associated with Oz stories shows up here. Thanks to the folks over at Kino Films (the source for Super-Old-School Films), I can bring this to you today. Let's sew up our relationship with...

Due to the format, this tale is a bit hard to follow. Stick with me though. A young boy (who looks like a girl, thanks to the outfit and over-done make-up of the Silent Era) goes off with his father in search of food.

Meanwhile, a pair of young lovers are celebrating, well, their young love. Further meanwhile, we see a horse causing mischief. Due to different standards, this bit looks much creepier than intended. Cue Silent Film Chase Scene!

In yet another location, a scientist has just finished up six years of work making a potion to give life to inanimate objects. Animated objects in an Oz tale- get out! The wife chooses a bunch of patchwork quilt material to animate, making the titular girl. You get some Super-Old-School Stop-Motion Animation to boot.

The Patchwork Girl is originally made without brains (to be a servant), but our gender-ambiguous hero gives her some. This makes her so happy that she flips.

We have a missing scene in which a bunch of powder gets tossed on the boy's father, the scientist's wife and the young lover. The scientist explains that it takes six years to mix and animate their statues. No offense, but that's a silly plan.

 Instead, the group go off to visit Oz and find the ingredients to a potion that will un...um, stone them. Cue Writing Cliche! Oh yeah, the horse comes along too.

Highlights from their journey include a trip past the Imaginary Wall. Yes, it's called that. In spite of that, people still find it hard to believe that it's not there. 

For any Era, the effect they use is actually pretty damn good. For 1914, it's amazing!

They also meet up with a lion-like creature that is played by what looks like a man in a cardboard suit. It looks like a drawing that I did as a kid.

They also crawl up a wall like the old Batman TV series and then walk back down it again.

In the midst of all that, they meet the Scarecrow, create the potion and all is well. The End.

It's a patchwork yarn. The plot of this movie is certainly strange, to say the least. It involves nearly a dozen characters, not counting random guards and such. It's intriguing to see the other aspects of Oz and it's characters, since most of the time you just see Dorothy, the Tin Man and company. The Patchwork Girl is certainly an odd character, as she never really 'talks' and expresses herself through gestures alone. The lead character is pretty stock, but there is a reason why they're used so often after all. The 'lion' and 'horse' are certainly weird, the former looking like a very awkward costume to move in. It makes you wonder why they didn't use a normal suit like they did for the 'horse.' That said, it does look neat. With the constraints of the Era, the plot moves a bit oddly and many of you may not stick with it. Silent Films are a tricky lot for the most part, especially if you read quickly like I do. I'm always wondering if people really read that slow back then! While a bit slow and awkward (due to the Silent Film constraints), the movie is a fun, simple story that foreshadows the kind of film that would come 25 years later. If you're interested, the movie actually comes as part of a FOUR film set including other rare, Silent Oz films. If film history intrigues you as much as it does me, it's worth a look.

For the next 100th post, I have no clue. What am I- a machine?!?!? Stay tuned...

Syfy Channel Week: Ice Spiders

Are you for real?  Syfy Channel films are often full of ludicrous premises (in fact, I did a Top 12 on that), but sometimes they just take the cake.  Just consider this title for a minute- Ice Spiders.  That's just...are you for real?  That said, this goofy title does draw your attention right away.  Will it actually have the odd, entertainment value of Mongolian Death Worm?  No.  Will it have the good effects?  Again- no.  It does have the most random of Guest Actors though.  That man- Stephen J. Cannell.  Yes, the late Mr. Cannell makes his final film appearance in this movie because...um, I guess he was doing someone a favor.  First off, why is the Creator of The A-Team acting a film, let alone this one?  It's surprising to say the least.  Let's get over that randomness and just skate alongside the...

 **********

We get the usual Syfy Opening here, this time featuring two hunters who get attacked by the titular monsters.  The point of this- there really is none.  Our hero later finds their bodies, but he could have just as easily seen the giant pile of webbing too!  We meet our main characters next- a bunch of skiers going to a lodge to practice for their Olympic qualifiers.  Two Syfy Channel films about sports teams in peril (in the snow no less!) this week- weird.  We also get the modern horror trope of 'No Reception' as one of the group complains about his phone not working.  Literally one minute later, they cut back to one of the webbed-up hunters whose phone rings, but he drops it!  Why did you do that?!?  The phone call he misses- it means nothing.  Nobody finds the phone or calls it again later- nothing!  Anyways, they get up to the Lodge and meet the owner (Stephen J. Cannell).  The sad part is that you can see his skin condition and tell that he was battling Cancer at the time.  That's actually a little more sad than him simply being in this film!  Oh right- spiders.

Our main hero turns out to be a former Olympic hopeful (7 Adventures of Sinbad's Patrick Muldoon) who now works at the Lodge teaching rich jerks.  By the way, this 'major Ski Lodge' has less than thirty people there (counting staff)!  He goes out with the Sheriff in search of the hunters and finds dead animals (see picture below) and eventually runs across the spiders.  In the film's C-Plot, a good-looking scientist (Melrose Place's Vanessa Williams) discovers that the genetically-engineered spiders that they have been working on escaped.  We get a full-scale Melrose Place reunion in fact as our lead is from the show, as is the Head Scientist at the Lab (Thomas Callabro).  This might explain the extended cameo role given to Cannell as one for, say, Aaron Spelling- but it's not him.  The spiders move out as the Commandos hunt them down.  The creatures make it down to the Lodge and start picking off skiers and snowboarders.  Our *former* leads finally do something again in the movie- hide in the Lodge.

All of our heroes are back together in the Lodge now, including the scientist lady.  Meanwhile, the Commandos and Dr. Melrose Place plan to catch some of the spiders.  This doesn't go too well at first, although they do get one.  The Olympic hopefuls try to escape in the bus and they are joined by Cannell.  They drive away for a bit, but crash.  The group escapes thanks to Cannell, who seems to be left to die...but the Commandos show up.  They wouldn't possibly kill him off!  More of the spiders get caught by the Commandos when they work with the others.  It all boils down to Muldoon luring the spiders via a snowboard chase to an area where they can trap them.  However, Muldoon and company decide to kill the spiders, angering Dr. Melrose Place.  In a weird happenstance, a seventh spider suddenly appears and kills him.  Yeah, they established that there were six and six were killed so...I cry bullshit there.  The government covers everything up and the movie ends.

Baby, it's death outside!  The plot of this movie is nothing really to write home about, as the expression goes.  The only thing it really has going for it is the juxtaposition of its odd plot to reality.  You have giant spiders that can survive in the snow.  Sure- why not?!?  They try to explain it a bit, but it's mostly movie science that's just silly.  The big problem is that the Special Effects just aren't that good.  Not to keep going back to it, but Mongolian Death Worm came out about two years after this one.  How did they get good effects and yours look like shit?  Hell, Sand Serpents has pretty good effects and it was made a bit earlier than that one!  The whole thing is just weird and silly.  That said, I did have some fun with it, as it is just so damn cheesy.  If you actually think that a movie like Ice Spiders is worth watching, you'll probably have a good time.  For the other 98% of you, feel free to laugh at the title and move on.

*1 minute later*

Next up, we begin Mummy Week with something silly.  If you want to see The Mummy- but in 1967- this one is for you.  Stay tuned...