Mondo News: Manos II?!?

*Someone is actually making a sequel to Manos: The Hand of Fate!  No, really.  I wish I was kidding- I'm not!!!

Seriously, they have a website: http://www.torgolives.com/index.php

Why?
Why?
Why?
Why?!?

Forgotten Toons: Earthworm Jim

In the '90s, a ton of cartoons were put out while the market was fresh.  Amongst all of the Spielberg cartoons and imported anime, we had a whole host of fun, subversive cartoons.  My favorite of which is Freakazoid.  While it had the Spielberg label, it broke all the rules of even those cartoons.  There are many more of them to discuss, but I want to focus on a particular one today...

The show was based on the popular video game of the same name and shared the same, silly attitude.  It featured tongue-in-cheek jokes, pun titles and a generally goofy feel.  It all centered around Earthworm Jim, an animal that got a super-suit dumped on him, turning him into a hero.  He teamed up with Peter Puppy, an adorable animal with the tendency to suddenly turn into a demon-looking creature.  It's...well, odd.

Jim featured a slew of silly villains that feature wacky names.  They include Evil the Cat, Bob the Killer Goldfish, Psy-Crow, Professor Monkey-For-A-Head and- my favorite- Queen Slug-For-A-Butt.  How can you not love a show like this?!?  The episodes also featured funny, self-referential names like The Wizard of Ooze, A Lounge Day's Journey Into Night and Peanut of the Apes.  Hell, when episodes feature cybernetic couches, snow globes containing secrets of the universe and a magic sword being found in a sandwich vending machine, you have to love this stuff!

Sadly, the show only run for 23 episodes over two seasons.  In the 13 years since it ended, there has been no DVD release has been made.  The most you can find is a series of VHS tapes that include 8 episodes over four releases.  That's not enough, people!  All we can do is scour YouTube for various clipped-up episodes of questionable quality.  Have you no heart, NBC Universal?!?

Next up, let's take a look back at a sci-fi show from 1973.  Will this be a notable entry in the Captain's Log?  Stay tuned...

Millenial Trash: Blood Gnome

Where do I even begin here?  The movie is called Blood Gnome.  What can I say that will be sillier or funnier than this?  Well, there are a couple things, actually.  For starters, this makes no sense.  These aren't gnomes- just small creatures.  Secondly, nobody ever calls them by the name or even utters the phrase 'blood gnome' to my recollection.  You can at least rationalize a stupid title by saying 'well, it has a title line.'  You sure can't say that here!  Here's another thing: this movie is not nearly as funny as you would think.  A normal person would look at a title like Blood Gnome and think 'this is a joke'- it's not.  This film is played 100% seriously, making it on par with the best kind of Ed Wood film. Sadly, the film is dragged down by bad production values, dull acting and a story that is crappy even for a film of this type.  Oh yeah, it's also obsessed with the idea of people wearing leather and hitting each other.  I'm trying to avoid key words, lest more spam comments come my way from British call girl agencies.  No, really.  This is going to be painful...because the movie sucks, that is.  Get out your x-ray camcorders for my review of...

 The film's credits are juxtaposed over a pair of people whipping each other, ending when a monster cuts them up and kills them.  Thank you- I hate suspense!  The police show up to investigate the scene, introducing us to our main characters.  One of them is a bossy policeman, another is her black partner, the third one is a no-name crime-scene photographer-in-training and the final one is our lead.  He's a schmuck who apparently has a dark past that is not even worth mentioning.  Of course, since half of the film is talking about it, I guess I have to.  In the meantime, he is told that the murder related to the BDSM community and he apparently has to learn about it in order to do his job.  Yes, tell your crime scene photographer to go look up dirty pictures on the internet, boss!  Outside, he shows that his camera can shoot through one layer of clothing.  His photographer-in-training demonstrates this by filming the busty EMT's chest, showing her bra.  He shows this off to our hero, leading to a wacky bit of humor.  I tell you all of this because it's still more interesting than the plot to come.  Outside, he runs into a fellow fan of ropes and whips & offers to share evidence with her, since she apparently knew the couple.  Wow, you suck at your job.  In a flashback, we see him making out with his hot, porn star wife.  I know what you're thinking and 'no, the star is also not the writer.'

I should also mention the film's B-Plot, which involves a mysterious woman raising some monsters.  She has a big one in a chest, which she sics on a guy who takes her drug money.  They keep coming back to her 'monster in a chest' and it never gets interesting.  We all know that the payoff is going to suck in a film like this, so why bother?  Meanwhile, another couple does some kinky stuff and gets killed.  Why do I care?  Our hero decides to start up a relationship with the woman from before, under the auspices of learning about the lifestyle.  She lets him sit in on a session she has, but this just consists of the evil woman whipping her.  Wow, that's underwhelming.  We also get to learn a bit more about what happened to our hero...sigh.  You see, his wife was killed in a murder-suicide by some guy.  We are shown this by way of the crime scene photos...which he keeps on the wall of his living room.  That's...all kinds of disturbing!  Furthermore, he documented the scene and promptly went to an asylum.  Yes, they really are going with this story.  At the next scene, our hero gets a bit suspicious and decides to film the scene instead of taking pictures.  On it, he sees a monster reflected against her body.  Oh no, those gremlins have gone from planes to people!  As a bonus, he screws up a key piece of evidence by taking a picture of a 'gnome' print, but without putting a ruler in the shot for scale.  Wow, you really suck at your job.

Our hero really begins to crack in his position, even as another couple is killed off.  He learns that all of the victims took part in some sort of game called 'blood sports.'  Apparently, this involves putting tiny cuts all over your body...which makes things even more exciting.  I think they made this up, but I'm kind of afraid to look it up and verify it.  We also learn that it is all tied to the woman from before, who just happens to be the mistress of our lead heroine.  Oh wait, we already knew that!  The woman sets up a big party for 'blood sports enthusiasts' (yes, they're called that) and, naturally, the lead heroine goes there.  Before all that, the gnomes attack our hero in his apartment and he bites one, which is a key plot point for later.  After everyone thinks he's crazy (due to the gnomes messing with his film- seriously) and losing all of his integrity, he tries to stop the death's alone.  Since he ate the creatures' blood, he can see them- yea.  He punches his friend and 'borrows' his car, but promptly gets tied up for being a crazy bastard.  The party continues and the monsters show up, promptly killing most of the people in a big, silly fight.  The woman reveals her big evil plan and brings out our heroine tied up- just not for fun this time- using her as leverage to get our hero's film showing the beasts.  He turns the tide by escaping the chair due to a silly plot point where he learned how to and fights the woman.  She fights back hard...but gets killed by her own creature.  Our heroes escape as the beast burrows into Hell...or something.  The End.

Tied up or not, this movie sucks!  The story is really dumb, leading to a series of stupid events.  Do we need to see this giant nerd battling silly 'gnomes?'  No.  The acting is terrible, ranging from really over the top to just plain dull.  The hot blond playing the dead wife is alright, but clearly has a range of either too happy or too depressed.  Our lead cannot pull of tragic or funny, the only two traits he really has.  If this is all a redemption story, it fails.  He never learns from his mistake- he ignores his wife in their last moment together- and never really redeems himself.  All he does is kill a bunch of monsters and save a wannabe-Suicide Girl.  As far as the monsters go, they range from bad Predator effects to silly puppets.  They are never really worth the build-up the movie gives them.  I've seen better things in Full Moon films made ten years before this.  If I hadn't mentioned it, would you guess that this movie was made in 2004.  On the plus side, anyone's low-budget horror film can get an outlet on Netflix.  On the downside, anyone's low-budget horror film can get an outlet on Netflix.  There are some laughs to be had here, but it's mostly just bad.

Next up, I finally get to review the film about vampires that eat fetal tissue.  I'm going to need some sanitary wipes, people!  Stay tuned...

Lost and Found: The Ghoul

The Story

In 1933, Boris Karloff's star was on the rise.  Universal took advantage of this with The Ghoul, a film that combines ideas from previous Karloff films.  It has a mummy-like character and is set in an old, dark house.  Gee, both of those sound like things from other movies.  The film also features the film debut of Ralph Richardson, back before you had to put 'Sir' in front of his name- the bastard!  The movie was released in 1934 and re-released in 1938...before it disappeared.  Bummer!

Was It Discovered?

Yes, a couple of times in fact.  In 1969, a film collector discovered a lost, subtitled copy in Czechoslovakia.  Sure, why not?!?  It sucked, but we at least had a copy.  Sometime in the 1980s, an undiscovered film vault at the famed Shepperton Studios was opened and a perfect nitrate of the film was found!  We wouldn't get this version on DVD until 2003 though.  Why?  Who knows?

Significance

This film is a part of horror film history as one of the early Karloff films.  Furthermore, it is based on a story that has since been turned into much more comic fare.  It's nice to see the thing before it turned into crap.  Whether you like the film or not, it was deemed important enough for The Museum of Modern Art to commission an official release of it.  That counts for something, right?

Up next, one of the oldest lost films gets a chance to shine.  How does a mummy get from Egypt to France again?  Stay tuned...

'80s Trash: The Dark Power

The 1980s have given a great many horror films, as well as many genre-bending films.  What happens when those two collide in a big, awkward mess?  The answer is simple: The Dark Power.  Horror-comedies work when you find a good mix of laughs and scares, either by presenting silly situations or by parodying the conventions inherent in the genre.  This either works or fails miserably.  Given the kind of films I talk about here, guess which happens here- I dare you!  The film was directed by Phil Smoot, the man responsible for a grand total of two films: this film and Alien Outlaw.  I shouldn't be too harsh on the guy, since he has worked on some big films.  For example, he worked on 1994's The Jungle Book...as a Budget Manager.  He also worked on both Children of the Corn II and Hellraiser III...as a Unit Production Manager.  So yeah, he was kind of a two-hit wonder, but the film does have Lash La Rue- the Master of the Whip!  Sure, his last major work as a lead was in 1971, but it's an accomplishment.  The film is all about the titular power and it being unleashed.  I hope you like waiting an hour for any action, by the way.  Get out your all-powerful eagles for my review of...

The film begins with an old man on his death bed talking about some dark power.  We get some 'Evil Dead' camera work during the credits which leads to...a kid being attacked by wild dogs in the woods.  He does his best 'crumble into a ball' defense, but is, thankfully, saved by an old man with a whip.  They really draw this thing out too, making me wonder just how effective the weapon is.  Anyhow, we learn that this man is the Park Ranger and was a friend of the dead man from the beginning.  He gets interviewed about his friend, the area and some mystical crap by a reporter.  Want to stop your movie dead?  Spend over ten minutes just talking about interesting things in a series of banal settings.  I've watched a documentary on a Font (yes, there is one) that are more interesting than this crap!  We learn that there were some sort of ancient Indians a long time ago that were evil and that they were buried nearby.  Wow, this would have been much more interesting if you could have at least afforded a flashback or something.  Eventually, we get to the point of this whole thing: the reporter sets up some teens to live in the dead man's former house.  Geez, took you long enough!

Warning: what follows are numerous attempts at comedy and social commentary.  A pair of young, white kids move into the place and invite another student: a black girl.  This upsets Princess Clara, I mean, the rich, white girl.  She make a big to-do about this, while I wonder what the hell I'm watching!  To get back at the girls for inviting 'a colored' into the house, she invites her douche-bag of a brother to live with them too.  In a 'wacky' scene, he shows up when the movie's hot girl is walking around in a cut-off shirt and panties.  Okay, so this movie does have some things going for it.  They juxtapose this bit of comedy with...long bits to set up the finale.  I wish that I could say that I care by this point, but I don't.  All you need to know is that someone moved an eagle statue that was set in the ground.  Evidently eagles are a powerful symbol of good or something, so this allows the evil to come free.  We get 'treated' to a long scene of the reporter and a kid from the court reading about the evil that can happen on some sort of anniversary.  This is what we get: people sitting around and reading books about something that might actually be interesting.  Finally, some monsters show up to revive the audience...I mean, me.

While the brother and his friends are drinking and just generally being drunken douche-bags, a quartet of Indian zombies crawl out of the ground.  They kill off most of the annoying people, including a throat-slitting of one idiot and making an arrow kabob out of another.  In a bit of overcompensation, this film kills off 3/4 of its cast!  They mix in some comedy, revolving around the Indians not running into the girls in the house, but it just feels forced.  You just killed four people, so now is the time to laugh?  A pair of them try to escape via a boat, but don't pull the rope in, causing it to be the least dramatic/successful escape ever!  They both die, as does the hot young woman from earlier.  Now you've gone too far, movie!  We're down to just our Final Girl and the black girl, but their fate doesn't look too good!  Thankfully, the old man with his whip is there to scare the monsters.  It seems that his whip is magic...for some reason and he can take them all...he gets knocked down.  The black girl saves the day by virtue of ending up in the closet full of eagle statues.  Wow, that's...lazy.  She kills three of them, but one of them survives to have a face-off with Lash.  This takes about five minutes and mercifully ends with a small fall.  The End.

I wanted to like this movie, but it sucks!  I could get behind a silly '80s film starring a former-Western actor battling monsters.  It sounds like a bit of silly fun...but it is not.  This thing does not know what it wants to be!  It sets up a horror plot and completely ignores it for the majority of the running time.  Imagine if Evil Dead II had them go to the cabin and spent over forty-five minutes doing nothing but comedy.  Would you like that movie?  No.  If you want to make a comedy, make a comedy!  If you want to make a horror film, make a damn horror film!  Furthermore, if you want to spend twenty minutes explaining something evil and showing me nothing, make an audio book!  I really thought that this would be either funny, scary or both.  It was not.  It was boring as hell.  Mind you, the whole thing with Indians in the ending does help a lot...but you have to be patient to get that far.  If you think you're up for it, rent The Dark Power.  Maybe you'll laugh more than I did.  Thankfully, I have this to fall back on...

Up next, I cover a movie whose title speaks for itself.  What should I expect from a film called Blood Gnome?  Stay tuned...

A Few Notes About Recent Things

It's been awhile since I did any notes for you...mostly because I haven't had to.  Let me address a couple of things here.

* I apologize for having to mess with the review schedule so much lately.  Things have just occurred that made it necessary.  For example: I downloaded 'Longinus,' only to discover that it was in Japanese w/o subtitles.  I can't really review that. 

Here's another: The two-movie set that was supposed to include 'The Living Dead' just, well, didn't.  It sucks, because I wanted a nice foreign film to mix up the 'Living Dead' theme.

* I decided not to review 'Candyman,' but still do the sequels.  I just feel like there's not a lot of reason to talk about the movie, since it's supposed to be decent and it's farely well-known.  Since I actually bought 'Candyman 2' (for $3.99), I'm not letting that one off of the hook- pun fully-intended.

* After getting two spam comments in two days (one of which was for an escort service), I changed my posting rules.  I hope it's all straightened-out now and I apologize if it has kept any of you from replying or anything.  If more work has to be done, so be it.

*Finally, just to give you a heads-up, I'm going to flip around August's schedule.  Now you can't say that I'm surprising you with the news. 

Impossibly-Cool Cover Art: The Ninth Configuration

Many people forget that William Peter Blatty had a brief directorial career.  Sure, it's only two films- but it's notable that the Oscar-winning writer of The Exorcist tried his hand at directing too.  His first film has a cover that shocked even me...

That's...surreal.  What could this movie possibly be about?!?  Whatever it may be, I want to know!

Next up, we go old-school with a film that promises you a gory death right on it's poster.  That's direct!  Stay tuned...

Rare Flix: Great White aka Italian Jaws

Copyright infringement is a very serious thing and shouldn't be taken lightly.  That said, it's so funny that this movie made Universal so angry!  Considering all of the many killer shark movies made in the wake (no pun intended) of Jaws, why would they pick just one?  Was Bruno Mattei's Jaws 5: Cruel Jaws too different for them to care?  The funny thing about this whole situation is that the successful lawsuit and rarity of this film have made it a more valuable film to some than Jaws itself!  The only way to officially get a DVD of the film is to buy an out-of-print Laserdisc version released only in Japan or by the recent re-release DVD by Sweden.  Of course, the good people over at Google either don't know or care about this movie being on their free streaming service.  Thankfully, my sight is not all that popular or I might inadvertently lead to them pulling it!  So what is the film about?  It's about a killer shark- duh.  Seriously, the film features many American actors & has James Franciscus and Vic Morrow in the lead roles.  Vic has a mustache and hunts sharks- guess who inspired his character?  The big question is this: is it good?  Get out your flank of meat on a hook for my review of...

The film begins in broad daylight and has its credits playing over a man wind-surfing.  We get talk from a local DJ and others to provide color.  After about five minutes of this, some shark stock footage kills the man in the water, leaving no blood.  That's not quite as interesting as in Jaws, is it?  After this, we are introduced to one of our leads: a novelist played by Franciscus.  He's married and has a teenage daughter, who turns out to know the young man who was killed on the board.  Well, they actually made the random death at the beginning count- points for their side.  Back to aping Jaws, the film introduces the local government representative character.  Gee, I wonder how he is going to react to the 'shark situation' when it arises later?  Our hero stumbles across the remains of the young man's board, which is full of many jagged, bite marks.  It's those damn Snakehead Fish again, I know it!  Out on the water, we are introduced to our other lead: a mustachioed shark hunter played by Vic Morrow.  Could you make it a little more subtle, guys?  Hell, don't give him a mustache or something!  We get an early fake-out when the daughter falls into the water, but is pulled away before the 'Evil Dead'/shark-cam can get to her.  Drat.

The shark plot and the human plot come together when the politician talks about expanding the area.  Shockingly, he thinks that the shark thing is nothing to worry about.  For some reason, they do actually steal the 'girl killed at night on the beach' scene, but play it roughly 25 minutes into the film- odd.  Speaking of ripping off Jaws, we get a big sports exhibition in the water.  Sure, it's not the same as the beach scene, but it's close enough.  The racing fun is interrupted by the shark's arrival, as showed by a red buoy that it has gotten stuck on.  Guys, you're getting your Jaws scenes in the wrong order!  The shark finally makes an appearance at over 35 minutes into the film, popping his head out in a silly manner.  Was he trying to catch butterflies or something?  After nobody gets killed, we get a pair of scenes of groups setting out to catch the shark- our heroes in one and the 'teens' in another.  Naturally, the 'teens' find the shark and have a run-in with it.  This thing does show up a couple more times, but mostly does action by way of stock footage of sharks biting meat on nearby reels.  I could almost believe that the scenes were connected if their footage was relatively-clean and the stock footage wasn't dark yellow!  After a lot of build-up, the girl falls in the water and gets bitten...but not killed.  How does that work again?

This turn of events makes Franciscus very angry and he goes to hunt down the shark.  Meanwhile, we actually get a decent scene where a pair of men lure the shark out from their helicopter and...get pulled close to the water.  What was your plan again?  After the amusing death of the one man, we get to see our heroes back in action.  They go out into the water and...swim around.  It's convenient how full-body wetsuits and masks allow for stunt doubles, huh?  Apparently, their plan involves a dynamite belt (really) and blowing up the damn thing, which seems like a dangerous way to do it.  Now, if those guys in the helicopter could have dropped it from the air, that's a different story.  Back on the land, a group of people get too far out in the water to film something and attacked by the shark.  One of them is Franciscus' wife, so we're supposed to care.  Our hero arrives in time to save his wife, but not the evil politician- too bad.  The final showdown occurs as Franciscus stands on the floating debris and...waves a stick at the shark, which...just sort of floats up next to him.  Thrilling action!  Thankfully, the body of Morrow floats over, allowing our hero to activate the dynamite belt on Morrow as the shark eats him.  Amazing how a 35-foot shark can explode and leave no blood, by the way.  The End.

Unlike Jaws, this movie is pretty crappy.  The plot is about as close as you can get to being Jaws without being a shot-for-shot remake.  They flip some scenes around and actually take some bits from Jaws 2, just to mix it up.  It's odd to see them steal a scene like the famous intro and put it in a different place in the film.  How does the acting match up?  Well, Franciscus and Morrow are certainly no replacement for any combination of Scheider and Dreyfuss or Scheider and Shaw.  They aren't terrible here, but the language barrier between cast and crew doesn't help matters.  Incidentally, the Google version is from the Laserdisc version, which means that I got to watch it with 'burned-in' Japanese subtitles.  Well, that's one way to learn a language.  Okay, so if the plot is the same and the acting is not as good, how are the effects?  Well, most of the shark footage is simply stock footage that is choppily-edited with all the care of carrots thrown in front of a sous chef!  The actual shark is decent, but is used in silly ways.  Do sharks randomly pop out of the water face-up, float around for a minute and do nothing in the wild?  My favorite moment comes when the shark eats Morrow and slowly floats down like an elevator.  If you are a film freak like me, it's interesting to see a film this rare and controversial.  If you're not, just watch Jaws- it's awesome, while this one is not.

 Next up, we talk about an '80s horror film that can't agree on whether it is supposed to be funny or scary.  At least it has an old cowboy film star in it.  Stay tuned...

Lost In Translation: Jaws II

Poland is a gold-mine for shitty posters and today is certainly no exception.  In the wake of their other Jaws poster, they had to up the ante for it's less-than-well-regarded sequel...

This is...this is...I don't know what to say!  You made a shark with two sets of jaws because the movie was called Jaws 2?  I swear I'm not making this one up, but even I can barely believe that this is real!  I want this as a wall poster, dammit!

Up next, a Stuart Gordon classic gets twisted in Japan's usual way.  You had to realize that I had more of these, didn't you?

WTF Thailand?!?: Chai-Lai Angels

Thailand is a weird country.  In the last several years, they've been trying to break into the action market and become the modern equivalent of China in the 1970s with the explosion of the Shaw Brothers.  Has it worked?  Well, they aren't producing over 200 films a years, so...no.  They have had their share of hits and breakout stars, including Tony Jaa.  He's not the only commodity they have though.  The actor who plays his buddy/cousin in The Protector and Ong Bak respectively has a pair of action films with himself as the lead.  I mention him because he has a small role in today's film, a 2006 action/comedy attempting to mimic the Charlie's Angels films.  That's Thailand for you- keeping it topical!  Seriously though, the film is a very odd mix of comedy, action and...well, mostly just comedy.  I will do my best to keep this thing logical, but I'm only one man.  Get out your 'wah wah' machine for my review of...

The film begins with a group of people getting on a plane and going for a flight.  A few of them stand out as being odd, including a man in drag and an oddly-pregnant woman.  The mother of a young girl gets up from her seat and is followed by the man in drag.  The man in the seat behind them takes her place and reveals that they are holding the girl's father hostage.  By the way, the father is Japanese, making him the only one in the movie- odd.  He refuses to give up some mysterious Pearl before all hell breaks loose.  The 'pregnant' woman is actually a lady spy, as are a pair of stewardesses on the plane.  This is juxtaposed with another woman showing up at the house where the man is being threatened, leading to a fight there too.  The thing about Chai-Lai Angels is that it is basically five fight scenes strung together with a very silly plot.  Seriously, this fight scene runs for about ten minutes straight, alternating between fighting, comedy and a car chase.  On land, the woman chases the villains out of the house, but, sadly, the Japanese man is shot.  Our heroines, ladies and gentlemen.  We get a car chase, shoot-out and escape all in one scene.  Back on the land, our heroines meet up with their boss (the aforementioned Petchtai Wongkamlao).  He delivers all of his lines in a separate shot a la Hal Holbrook in Girls Nite Out, which strikes me as odd.  Was he that busy?

After about three or four minutes of set-up, the group is set-up to keep an eye on the girl at the school in a series of disguises.  In a bit of odd writing, the girl is grabbed by the bad guys- that was sudden.  You know what this means- a second fight scene/chase takes place.  This takes up another several minutes, but is split up into even more sections.  One of them is driving a little car, one of them is riding on top of the villain's van, another two are in a wheel-driven cart and the fifth one is in the van itself.  Did you put enough staging into this damn scene, guys?!?  Seriously, this scene is ridiculous, even if it does have some good moments.  Ultimately, one of the women fires an RPG at the van- so much for saving the girl, I guess- but the van moves and it blows up the friend's car.  They try to catch up, but are too late.  In one awkward edit, we see the girl suddenly in the villain's base and kicking ass.  Yeah, this movie is not good about setting up scenes logically.  This kid proves to be tougher than all of our heroines, kicking the crap out of the henchmen.  You know how to make this movie more enjoyable?  Make a drinking game out of every time you see an obvious bit of wire-work.  The main bad guy shows up and the girl...just stops fighting.  Wow, that's great writing.

I won't pretend that much of this really makes sense.  Our heroines spot the villain's girlfriend at a spa and try to catch them, leading to a chase/fight scene.  Eventually, we get distracted by a plot involving one of the angels getting engaged.  On the plus side, it leads to her dancing around in her bra for a few minutes.  What was I talking about again?  Oh yeah, they get attacked in their home and have to escape, eventually battling a group of foreign (read: not Thai) assassins.  One of them saves the day by showing up in a tank (see above), but things still don't turn in their favor.  The fiancee ends up captured (off-screen, mind you) and the villains find out where the Pearl is.  They steal it, despite the best efforts of our heroines in...bikinis and...being wet.  Ahem.  Another awkward edit and we see the villain's auctioning off the Pearl, which apparently has some magical powers.  The Japanese dad shows up, but he just gets shot again and actually dies this time.  This leads to the final fight section of the movie, which, shockingly is also cut up into several parts.  The comedic part involves the man in drag's half-blind henchman screwing up, while the serious part is a one-on-one fight with the boss.  Shockingly, he dies a violent death via pair of bullets to the brain.  Damn, that's random!  In a closing epilogue, we learn that the Chai-Lai squad has two new members: the half-blind woman and the little girl.  One long action scene that amounts to nothing later and the film ends.

Say it with me now: this movie sucks1  Don't get me wrong- hot chicks doing martial-arts is something that I will never, ever complain about seeing.  This film ruins that, however, by making it all about ridiculous comedy, bad acting (I watched it with subtitles, so you can't blame the dubbing) and just pure oddness.  So much of this movie simply exists to make you go 'why?!?'  Why is there a man in drag named King Kong?  Why is there a half-blind henchman?  Why is there a kid flying around and kicking people for one scene and only one scene?  Some of this stuff does hit the mark, but it's few and far between.  For example, they make a point about how they can't have people they love because they always die tragic deaths (as opposed to nice ones, I guess).  Sure enough- they set up a romance sub-plot and the man dies.  The problem is that this stands in pure contrast to the silly faces, wacky lines and oddball humor.  You can't just throw something like that into a movie and expect me to go along with it!  Chocolate is an odd movie that's a mix of melodrama and action.  It doesn't try to mix in humor with its violent deaths.  If you have Netflix and want to see the weird shit that our foreign neighbors put out, I recommend this one.  If you want to watch a good, Thai action film, watch Ong-Bak 1 and 2, The Protector, Born To Fight (the 2004 one), Dynamite Warrior or Chocolate.  There are a few good parts to see here though...

Next up, a foreign rip-off so effective that Universal sued to have it pulled from theaters.  Will it have bite or just bite?  Stay tuned...

VHS For The Win: Overlords of the U.F.O.

Oh shit- the big boys are here!  What could they have in mind for us?!?  What despicable plans do they have up their alien sleeves?!?

Um, they're...going to eat us?  This is cool and all, but I'm not sure what I'm supposed to be afraid of.  Oh, I know- it's The Big Giant Head!  He's real and he's pissed!

Next up, I have to share some bad news with you.  Now our robots are out to get us too and they're ripping off famous movie titles to boot!  Stay tuned...

Mondo Trivia: Van Helsing- The London Assignment

There is actually a one-shot/special comic written by Stephen Sommers that connects Van Helsing to...Van Helsing.  No, really.

Apparently, he stops in London before heading back to Rome and battles Dr. Moreau.  Apparently, he was there at the same time that Mr. Hyde was.  You think that this would bear mention in the film, but you'd be wrong.

*source: Wikipedia and bigger nerds than I.*

Blockbuster Mini-Trash: The Chronicles of Riddick- Dark Fury

After the success of Pitch Black, it was a given that more would take place in this universe.  Unfortunately, it would turn out to just be an ego-piece for the film's star- Vin Diesel.  The Chronicles of Riddick does have some good points, but most of it is dragged down for the same reasons that so many early Seagal films seem ridiculous.  Every time something happens, Riddick seems to know about it in advance, have a way to escape/defeat it and come out looking good.  Hell, the guy escapes a prison by outrunning the freaking sunrise and surviving the super-heated light by pouring water on himself!  Fun fact: check out a 2002 Daily Show interview with Vin where John Stewart tries to convince him that the film is a bad idea- it's real!  Much like with Van Helsing, the producers decided to skip a chunk of the story and save that for an animated direct-to-video release.  The result: another obscure little disc that I have to review.  It's notable that this 'film' was designed to mimic a more anime look than the other one.  Is it better though?  Get out your silly goggles for my review of...

 Our story picks up right after the events of Pitch Black, with Riddick escaping the planet of dinosaur/alien/hybrid things.  He has the young girl, once thought to be a boy, and the black priest with him as well.  He's leading them to a safe place, but actually ends up in the belly of a spaceship run by a Ron Perlman sound-alike.  They end up being surrounded by the ship's crew of mercenaries after a pointless shot of them walking in a tunnel with zero gravity.  Being Riddick, our hero does...something that makes their heat signatures not show up on the displays.  Next time, just tell me, movie!  The group flip and float over in zero gravity before a hatch opens, sending out the ship's supply of flame retardant foam.  Apparently the thing has enough of that to make a giant dome in the center of the room- prepared much.  This is all a set-up to having Riddick sneak attack people from inside the ball and look cool.  This falls apart when the girl sticks out for a second to breath and is captured by the leader.  The group surrenders and is split up, with Riddick being taken to see the ship's commander.

As it turns out, the leader collects famous killers and freezes them into *definitely not carbonite* statues.  In the film's few moments of build-up to the main film, he sees one of the killers labeled as a Furya.  Ooh, that's so uneventful, especially when you consider that Riddick doesn't know that name at this point.  Anyhow, the woman offers to let him join her crew and collect more killers, which he declines.  She seems prepared for this and decides to watch him die in battle.  Apparently, she always sees the bodies after they are killed, so this has to be different.  She also puts an explosive device in Riddick's neck, which is a really-overdone cliche.  Her threat is a pair of glowing, neon monsters with long tendrils that kill you.  Taking off his goggles, Riddick fights them, but also must keep his friends alive.  They're perched on giant balls with nooses around their necks.  Thanks- this whole thing was not silly enough!  Thanks to the girl's help, he kills the beasts and escapes.  He also cuts the device out of his neck, because nobody expected that!  In anger, she defrosts more of her men, including the lead mercenary that would chase Riddick in the main film.  She also sends out a giant, CG beast that looks like an ugly, cyborg version of the monster from The Host.

Since Riddick has to look awesome, he tricks the beast into killing all of the mercenaries before taking it out in one move.  Wow, that completely demystifies the idea of this thing, doesn't it?  He tricks the thing by putting down his bloody shirt as bait and suddenly appears in the next scene with a shirt!  Is continuity too much to ask, guys?  In the final fight, he battles the ship's second-in-command in a fight that's decent.  The problem: it turns way too angular and makes Aeon Flux characters look normal by comparison!  He ultimately beats the guy by tricking him into cutting the power line, making him and his 'cat eyes' more powerful.  Unfortunately for him, the ship's commander got on the ship ahead of him...somehow and shoots him.  Before she can finish him off, the girl shoots her down.  He wonders to the priest about how his influence is affecting the girl, so they decide to drop off at a nice planet.  Gee, I'm sure that the crazy death cult aliens won't go there.  Oh and the not-dead mercenary does the old 'I'll get you next time, ____' line as the film ends.  Wow, that was weird and didn't set-up the film at all.

This little film is...alright.  The plot is odd, choosing to set-up a bunch of ideas that never come to fruition in The Chronicles of Riddick.  At least the Van Helsing film told a related story and put you in place for the film's start.  This one just comes off as 'it would be cool to see Riddick fight some aliens between the two movies' and nothing more.  The art is pretty good, going a bit too stylistic for my taste at times though.  I will freely admit that I'm not the biggest anime fan, so your opinion may end up being the opposite of mine.  Seriously though, why did the final fight turns so blocky and cheap-looking?  Did they run low on money towards the end and just let the interns take over?  You may want to save money for your final fight next time, guys.  Of course, there is a 99.999% chance that there won't be a next time.  While it was not a bomb, critical response towards Riddick was not exactly kind and it failed to make enough to justify a franchise- at least in a studio's mind.  It's been over six years since the film came out and I've heard zero talk about following it up.  As Vin notes in the Daily Show interview, it was planned to be part of a Riddick trilogy.  Well, unless you count the box set version, that never happened and may never.  C'est la vie, Vin.

Next up, Thailand brings us a wacky comedy/action film.  Is it more wacky than it is action or vice/versa?  Stay tuned...

Blockbuster Trash: Stir of Echoes 2

Another day, another shitty direct-to-DVD movie.  What's on tap for today?  A sequel-that's-not-a-sequel to a 1999 film starring Kevin Bacon?  Crap!  Stir of Echoes is a tale of a man who gets hypnotized, which allows him to see ghosts- something that he can't turn off.  It's based on a Richard Matheson story, so it does have it's strong suits.  Because of the title, I assume that this is a spin-off of that story- wrong!  Does this have hypnotism in it?  No.  Does it have ghosts in it?  Yes.  So, based on this logic, this could be The Sixth Sense 2, The Haunting 2 or The Legend of Hell House 2!  This story is about an Iraq War vet who comes home after a tragic event and is confronted by ghosts.  Yeah, that has so much to do with that Kevin Bacon movie.  In place of Mr. Six Degrees, we've got Rob Lowe, coming right off of leaving The West Wing, getting a really bad series of pilots and returning...only to have the show get canceled.  Things didn't get better for Mr. Lowe after 2007, but its notable to realize when he decided that this was a good project.  This is a rough one, but let's try to drudge through it.  Get out your oddly-monochromatic camera for my review of...

The film begins with Rob leading a blockade in Iraq.  A van drives up and doesn't come to a stop.  Lowe orders the man in the tank to fire a warning shot at the vehicle, but he's slower than drunken molasses!  This leads to the soldiers firing on the vehicle and it setting on fire.  Lowe runs up and tries to save the one girl he can, only to have insurgents fire an RPG at the thing!  This doesn't kill him, but it does set the girl on fire...which eventually kills her.  He wakes up in the hospital and talks to one of his fellow soldiers, only to have the nurse reveal that the man was not actually there.  Great- you can see dead people.  On the plus side, I got this Sixth Sense joke out of the way.  Back home, our hero's reunion with his family is ruined a bit by his post-traumatic stress disorder.  At a dinner with his friends, he gets offended with his teenage son makes a 'towel-head' joke which is actually kind of funny.  The problem is that he blames for himself for what happened.  Considering that you didn't fire on them and the actual fire was started by insurgents, why are you upset again?  I don't blame myself for someone dying on the same day that I drive somewhere!

Things continue to stay bad for our hero as the wife of his dead friend (the one he 'saw' in the hospital) turns out to be a bit suicidal.  He knows this because he goes to see her and witnesses her death...only for it to be a vision.  So post-traumatic stress disorder makes you see the future?  He cools her down and takes the gun, which proves to a minor plot-point later.  He sees ghosts at the VA Clinic, even getting a name of someone to consult from one.  Wow, this would be really interesting if this was the only film about ghosts ever.  As it is, I don't care.  He ignores this and decides that being scared by ghosts would be much more fun.  One awkward moment occurs when he sees the ghost of the girl who died in the fire and hugs her...only for it to turn out to be a different girl.  Apparently the mother of the girl takes this badly, but nothing comes of it.  Thanks for all that nothing, movie.  Speaking of nothing, he gets scared by ghosts in the elevator and confronted by a burn victim.  At home, he comes across his teenage son sporting a black eye and learns that he got into a fight over someone insulting Lowe.  It all relates to an article about the incident from the beginning which proves to be a key point later.  Giving you one piece of evidence that counts for two events- that's lazy writing for you.  Finally, he goes to get help...

Lowe consults the man whose name was given to him by a ghost (just go with it) and finds out that it's a blind guy.  Apparently, his plan to get around seeing ghosts was to just gouge his eyes out.  He explains that if you ignore ghosts or don't do what they want, they can hurt your physical form.  So, ghosts are basically The Hulk?  Shockingly, things don't get better.  The son ends up in a coma after a car accident that kills his two friends and Lowe sees a vision of both the son and wife shot dead in the hospital.  He realizes that he needs to solve the murder of some Arab teenager who was murdered before he got back.  I'm sorry, but why does he need to do that?  Anyhow, he goes to the site of the murder is forced to feel the pain of the victim and learns the truth.  Mind you, we don't see him figure out- he just wakes up and knows it.  As it turns out, the son and friend got drunk, ran across an Arab teen and killed him for having a 'No Blood For Oil' bumper sticker.  Oh and this is shot mono-chromatically- save for the red car- for no reason.  The wife tries to convince Lowe to not reveal the truth, so, naturally, a ghost possesses him and tries to make him kill them.  It leaves his body after he shoots her, the son is sent to jail and Lowe ends up there too.  Hurray?

Not to repeat myself too much, but this movie sucks!  The plot makes no sense, choosing to steep itself in melodrama instead of, you know, writing.  Why does he have to solve the murder of some kid that he never met?  I know that there is the whole family connection and all, but it still seems odd to me.  Speaking of odd, the ghost effects and rules don't exactly make sense.  Ghosts can hurt you if you can't figure out their cryptic, non-statements?  Who decided that crap?!?  The idea of the burned ghosts coming to see him is a big fake-out too, since the deaths in Iraq have zero to do with what is actually happening.  As The Occultist taught us, lying to your audience for no good reason is not a good thing!  I also have to ask why ghosts can possess you, considering that it sort of blurs the whole line between life and death in a freaky way.  I shouldn't have to discuss the metaphysical ramifications of ghost possession in a shitty movie like this!  The acting is alright, although the actress playing the wife kind of overdoes it.  She tries to play 'normal' to the point where it just feels extremely-fake.  As a whole, this movie is tedious, silly and bleak.  What's the point of it even existing again?  Sorry, I got nothing!

Next up, I bring you the anime-prequel to Vin Diesel's ego-piece The Chronicles of Riddick.  Can it redeem that absurd piece of crap?  Stay tuned...

Impossibly-Lazy Cover Art: Jaws 3/4

The Jaws series is notable for a rapid decline in quality as the series went on.  In fact, I wrote a whole piece about it before I had this lovely sight.  As quality and profits shrank, I guess the producers figured that they could just skimp on the art design budget too.  Check out the DVD box for Jaws 3...

Aside from making the world appear to be some sort of gelatinous cube, this is not bad.  It gives you the shark, the people and the basic idea of what the plot is. 

Plus, it kind of looks like a scene that happens in the movie.  So let's see the DVD box for the final chapter...

Um, you just tilted the image to the right a bit.  Bonus points for making the shark appear to be completely unaware of the person swimming.    I still have to ask the key question of the film: how is this personal?

Now that I think about it, doesn't this make the Shark appear to be a floating head with no body?  Weird.

These things just keep showing up, don't they?  I try to get out, but they keep pulling me back in!

Moon Over Miami: The Occultist

Today's Film is The Occultist and it is a learning experience.  Lesson #1 in The Guide of How To Piss Off a Viewer: promise what you have no intent to deliver on.  While I can't necessarily decide who to blame here, the description on Netflix is woefully-inaccurate in regards to the actual film's content.  Did Netflix write this up themselves, realizing that they would have no way to sell this stinker or did they just use what was given?  I don't know, but it doesn't help matters.  I will say this: the poster is pretty much a blatant lie too and I know that Full Moon made that shit!  The film claims to be about a city whose leaders are targeted by naked voodoo-practicing witches, so, to protect themselves, they hire a cyborg bodyguard.  You think that I would be complaining if any of that were true?!?  Seriously though, this is probably the most dull film you could have ever made with this premise- bar none!  Everything about it is dry and uneventful, from the acting to the production values and especially the effects.  In order to compensate, they throw in a few really weird moments that come out of nowhere and never get addressed.  Yes, they made a boring movie and threw in a few 'Big-Lipped Alligator Moments' to distract you from that fact.  Even by Full Moon standards, this is bad.  To get the full-story, you'll have to read on.  Get out your best Hawaiian shirts for my review of...

The film begins with about three minutes of people dancing around and pretending to practice voodoo in a factory.  The 'naked witches' aspect comes in when one of them has PG-13 sex with a guy for no reason.  Thanks- that was necessary.  In some awkward editing, a trio of 'blue-bloods' 'watch' the proceedings, despite appearing to be on the opposite side of the bay from them!  A woman talks to a man she calls The Mayor about the problem with the voodoo worshipers, but he just kills her.  After they off a sacrifice- in this case, a white preppy, guy- the scene ends abruptly.  After the opening credits, we meet our hero- a scrawny guy who apparently runs a security company.  He has a Patrick MacNee wannabe for a mentor and doesn't exactly come off as a professional.  I guess this is meant to be funny, but I'm not really laughing.  What is with Full Moon and failure at comedy anyhow?  In a fairly-unrelated scene, we see a tough-looking guy in a tracksuit fend off a man attempting to attack a woman in a park.  Thanks- that added nothing too.  As it turns out, this guy is the real hero of the picture, but he won't really matter for another twenty minutes or so.  In order to turn his newly-inherited company around and put them in 'the red,' the man takes a job in the island with the voodoo problem.  This should be interesting...but it won't be.

In order to fulfill the mission, our hero must recruit the guy from the earlier scene.  He's an enigmatic gun-for-hire known as 'The Gunman,' which is odd when you can clearly see that he carries no guns with him.  Don't worry, it will make a little sense later.  The guy hangs around a biker bar in an Hawaiian shirt, which is totally inconspicuous.  A random action scene occurs in an alleyway before a woman puts a weird device on another woman's back, which causes her to explode.  See what I meant earlier about the sudden, weird bits?  This apparently convinces him to work with our hero, leading the security at a banquet held by the Mayor and his family.  We are treated to some awkward comedy bits from the secretary character- how utterly pointless.  After some more banter and back-and-forth between the leaders and our heroes, some action finally occurs.  When The Gunman returns from ignoring the security detail, a group of terrorists appear at the top of the floor and start firing.  Good job on the security, by the way- the Mayor is dead now.  We get a red herring in the form of the daughter's supposed-resistance movement, but it could not be more obvious if they wrote 'we are a distraction' on their foreheads!  Things get more tense, however, when we learn that the Mayor's wife used to do voodoo.  She did it so well though!

After over forty minutes of nothing but banal occurrences taking place, this movie is picking up...slightly.  We learn why The Gunman got his name- he can shoot bullets from his hand.  Yes, he does make the 'gun' shape with it when he fires.  In a dramatic twist, we learn that the General was evil all along and that the Mayor was not really dead.  This, however, proves to be pointless as the General just kills him in the next scene.  Sigh.  Spot the fun continuity jump when the wife goes from having frizzy to wet hair in one camera cut- brilliant.  The Gunman proves to have more than just the ability to make finger bangs, however, as all of his appendages prove to be fully-armed.  Yes, even his dick.  The scene where they have it occur is completely-ridiculous, utterly-random and is not ever addressed again.  You can't just skip past that kind of thing, guys!  We've got about 30 more plot twists to go though, including the lead voodoo priestess being the wife's mother and also being evil.  It was all a convoluted scheme involving the Mayor, the 'blue-blood' guys and the voodoo gang- although both of latter betray the former.  We get a final showdown between the General and The Gunman, which attempts to redeem this whole affair by having him shoot the bad guy up through some stairs- from the taint up through the skull!  It's too little, too late, however, as the film fizzles to a clumsy climax.

How can a movie that sounds this awesomely-bad be just...well, bad?!?  The premise sounds hilarious on paper, but falls immensely flat on its face.  The only thing flatter than this movie is Kiera Knightley!  Let's breakdown just how much of the plot comes true.  Are there naked voodoo-practicing witches?  No, yes and no.  One of them is put in silhouette- as I mentioned- but there's nothing salacious here.  Mind you, nudity is not always a cure for a shitty movie- often it can be the cause- but an attempt at anything here would have been appreciated!  Do they hire a cyborg to protect them?  Well, kind of.  The fact that he can fire bullets out of his dick certainly makes him a cyborg of some kind.  The problem is that we never see any actual proof of his transformation.  Would it have been too much to show him get wounded and have sparks come out?  Hell, the cliche of having him show back-first to the camera as he puts his shirt on would have been something.  As it is, it's a case of 'just trust us- you're not missing anything interesting.'  You know what I'm missing?  Quality of writing, good production values, good acting, good action, interesting characters and a plot synopsis that is not a giant lie.  Seriously, you can't just have two silly scenes occur in a dull movie and have me go 'My God, I was wrong the whole time!!!'  You've failed again, Full Moon.  I hope your film about puppets battling Naziis will be better.

Up next, Blockbuster Trash brings you another direct-to-video sequel.  This one is a 'sequel' to a Kevin Bacon film that actually rips off The Dead Zone and The Sixth Sense.  Stay tuned...

Buy the DVD!: The Return of Swamp Thing

This segment refuses to die...even if the last update was in March.  After far too long, it's back with a look at something you can only get on the DVD of The Return of Swamp Thing...

As you can see, the disc is chock full of extra features, albeit most of them two minute long.  Anyhow, the ones I want to focus on are the two P.S.A.s you see in the center of the picture above.  What kind of P.S.A. do you put with a Swamp Thing movie?  Well, let's see...

That's right- Swamp Thing teaches kids about not throwing trash in the swamp.  Yeah, you don't want it mixing with the oil!  As a bonus, the two they offer are both the same one.  Um, is that an error or something?  Did I get the Special Repeat the Extras Version of the movie?  Okay then.

Next up, Wishmaster 4 brings you a delightful bit of horror.  Hurray.  Stay tuned...