Holiday Special: The Cinematic Celebration of Resurrected Lovers

 On this day of Love, I often cover twisted Films.  They are sometimes sweet too.

We've had Films about Dolls that come to life, people that keep their dead 'lovers' around, pyrokinetic brothers in a love triangle, killers in love, Rapeman (need I say more?) and a Film where the cycle of rape and death ends with a casual incest reveal.

Let's lighten the mood a bit this Year.

...so people die and then what?
They come back, of course!

In Hollywood, there's an occasional thing where they make Films about Love and Romance...only one person is dead...or a Ghost...or a Zombie.  Let's look at a few...

In this dark Comedy, a guy comes back as a Zombie and tries to get back with his girl.

Yeah, that's a natural thing to do.
Also he eats his friend...but is still rewarded with a new chance at life.

For a flipped version of this idea, we have...

In this one, a guy's relationship with Beth ends with her death...or does it?

She apparently came back to life and slowly turns into a full-fledged Zombie?

Can they make it work?  It's more recent, so no SPOILERS.

Speaking of resurrected lovers...

In this bizarre Film, they completely ignore the last Film to tell the tale of a Widower and his Son in a new Town.

Said new Town has a Pet Sematary, so people keep coming back as violent creatures.

This eventually includes the dead Mother, who for some reason melts like she is made of wax.

I wonder why this Sequel isn't as iconic as the original?

It's not always Zombies/Revenants though, sometimes we get reincarnation...

A young man- Robert Downey Jr- circumvents going to Heaven after he dies- as you do- and is reincarnated as/possesses a man 23 years later.  I guess there's a time delay in the trip.

He tries to get back with his old love, but eventually learns that she's better off with someone her own age.

Hmm...that message wouldn't fly in Hollywood for long.

- There's also Heaven Can Wait, its Remakes and other Films like it- The Heavenly Kid- to cover a similar topic, but less focused on finding LOVE for that spirit -

Naturally, we must also include...

You all know this one, right?

A guy is killed, comes back and initially tries to get back with his still-living lady.  He eventually pivots to helping her stay alive- even though her dying would bring her to him, presumably- and moves on.

What a great Character Arc.  Give an Oscar to...the Lady that played the Psychic.  LOL.

So on this romantic day, don't worry if you die or if someone you loves dies- you've got a 40-60 chance of coming back/getting them back for another shot.

Happy Valentine's Day!

Lost in Translation?: Candyman (1992)

 Instead of watching the Remake/Sequel/Whatever-it-is, why not do the next best thing?

When all else fails, Japan delivers great Posters.

Let me see one...

Freaky.

The layers here are great, with the bee outside the eye and the image inside of the eye.

Even the little touches- like the eyelashes and refraction on the eye- are great.

It's not wacky collage Poster like we often get, but it still looks great.

Here's the original...

I'm hoping that the fade to white I did on the bottom added something.  Otherwise, it's just brighter and sharper.

Tubi Thursday: Black Shampoo (1976)

 Let's look back at a Film about a Hair Stylist who ends the Film wielding a Chainsaw.  Curious?
Read on...

In Los Angeles, a Hair Salon is bright (at least in the better, Blu-Ray print) and busy.

It's main Attraction?

The Lead Stylist- a big, black sex machine that's a hit with all the ladies.  No, you shut your mouth!  Rude.

He's here to keep setting up Scenes that are almost Porn...but nothing is visible on-camera.

I'm pretty sure that Machete was parodying this...

He falls head over heels for his Receptionist, which gives us the most romantic and forced montage until Julie & Jack.

What could go wrong?

Well, she used for a guy named- you guessed it- Mr. Big and he sends his goons to smash up the place to get her back.

Our Lead is always conveniently away when the bad things happen, since we have to save THAT for the Finale.

He gets all mopey when it seems like she really wants to be gone, but she's just protecting him.  Sadly, The Cure's first Album wouldn't come out until 1979, so he'd just have to settle for going to his Cabin.

She eventually takes some evidence from the bad guys and flees to him, getting the Salon (and random Customers) caught in the crossfire.

As teased by the Intro, we *finally* get something interesting as he fends off a trio of Gangsters with a small chainsaw!  He wins and the Film just cuts to a distorted frame.  The End.

Oh and did I mention that this was done by Greydon Clark?  Yes, the guy behind Stargames and Dark Future!  Same one!

This is...not as interesting as it might sound.  If you love that retro, '70s vibe and don't ask for much else, you get it here.  The Music, the Fashion- all of that.  Sadly, a great Story doesn't come with that.

Our Hero only has 3 Settings- Mildly-Bemused (when constantly asked for sex), Sad (when she's gone) and Pensively-Mad (see above).  He's not exactly the most emotive guy and you kind of need this when the Plot is thinner than a line of you-know-what at Studio 54.

Other than the funky (somewhat insistent) music and silly flourishes (like fading into a film distortion for every transition), there's little here to make the Film stand out amongst stuff like Black Samurai and the like.  Sadly, it got far less acclaim than, well, the 'white version'...

A fun concept kind of gets buried in all of the Montages and nothing.  A decent, random Ending saves it from being a complete loss.

'00s Trash: The Stepford Wives (2004)

 A good Story meets a good Director...but turns out crap.  How did we get to this?

In 2004, Frank Oz Directed this Remake (which I guess we needed after multiple Sequels).  It cost over $70 million (more today if you adjust for inflation)!  2 years later, another '70s Film would be Remade with Nicole Kidman as the Lead.  Coincidence?  Probably yes.  What went wrong?

Well, to get there, we have to know the Story IN the Film.  So let's see what secrets are there to be found?  To find out, read on...

A TV Executive (Kidman) is presenting a bunch of Reality Show Premieres to some sort of Company Event.  It looks like an Awards Show though.

At the pitch, a man who's wife left him in one of the Shows arrives and tries to kill her!

Since he also killed his Wife, she's now 'excommunicated' from the TV Industry.  Funny- we've had MULTIPLE Suicides of Bachelor/Bachelorette Contestants, but nothing happened to them.

She's very out of it, so her Husband decides to move to Stepford.

She's thrilled, as you can see.

The women there act like they still live in the 1950s (as Male TV Executives saw it, at least) and are led by Glenn Close.

It's like you always dress for the Kentucky Derby!
And yes, I can reuse that joke, since this is a Remake.

She finds TWO outsider friends in the Community this time.

Bette Midler plays the same Character from the original, while we get what I think was SUPPOSED TO BE a progressive update.

There's a Gay Couple, which is a nice update in theory, but we'll see the issue later.

One of the Wives- Faith Hill- short circuits at a big Event and is taken away.  Remember this.

A bit later, the Men's Club finally trusts Kidman's Husband- Matthew Broderick- and reveals the secret.

They do so by having Hill appear again and act as a literal ATM!

So here's where the new addition falls apart.

This is a 2000's Gay Couple, so one of them has to be campy, catty and over-the-top.
His partner- since I guess they aren't married- replaces him with a Robot too!

So yeah, he's *literally* the Woman here in this Metaphor.  Yeah....

We don't get the 'talk to a guy and disprove the Water is the Source' Scene, but do get her basically Googling the other Wives.

Naturally, they didn't cover up their digital tracks.

The last straw is when, of course, her friend is replaced and turned into a cliché Housewife.

In a Deleted Scene, we see her full, robotic form in what must have taken CG Animators months to work on.  Why was it cut then?

Naturally, it all comes back to Kidman back in Town at the Men's Club and confronted by everyone.

In what feels like (and was) a Reshoot, the man behind it all- Christopher Walken- plays a video explaining how they put 'Nano Chips' into the Women's Heads to control them via a Controller.

How did that ATM thing work again?

We get the dark Ending...for about a minute.  This included them all having their minds transplanted/downloaded into Robot Bodies.

Basically, that didn't sit well with Test Audiences, so they did lots of Reshoots to give us this new Ending where...

1) Broderick sneaks into the Lab and turns off the Chips.
2) The Women all rebel (with a Deleted Bit of Hill using her Extendo-Arm to choke her Husband).

3) Walken freaks out and is attacked by Kidman, who knocks his head off to reveal...he's a Robot?!?

4) Close- who was absent for the middle portion of the Film- is revealed to be the Woman behind it all, since her Husband left her...so she killed him and replaced him with a Robot.

Yes, SHE was behind this.

Oh and our Heroes go on Larry King, where they reveal that the bad Husbands now live as (basically) Slaves in Stepford.  The (new) End.

A Film with lots of promise, lots of money behind it and...no ability to stick the landing.  It's a shame too.  Frank Oz is a really good Director.  The Story by Ira Levin is really good.  I don't hate the idea of Remaking this Film after so long and with new Technology.

Sadly, the benefits just do show themselves too well here.  The Story updates are awkward at best (see my mini-rant on the Gay Couple) and so much of the CGI bit were cut when a Reshoot/Rewrite said that they weren't Robots anymore.

Without those bits, you just have a glossy retread of a classic Tale that is about as subtle as a giant brick to head!  The Character Arcs are also awkward, as Kidman has to apologize for working too much and tries to become a Housewife before they even try to replace her.  I get that her Arc has ups and downs- duh.  She just suffers here by having the blame placed on her...as opposed to her Husband who's 99% sure he's up for replacing her with a Fembot!

The Redone Ending is a giant, confusing mess too.  Close being behind this is a twist that doesn't really make sense and it is a bit insulting.  It's just dumb.  

On the plus side, I'm finally done with this 'Series' unless I can find a good copy of The Stepford Husbands.  Until then, I'll just look for a gift with my name on it.  Dang- not quite!

Next time, I try to actually- you know- do something for Black History Month.  How about a Film that pities no fools?  Stay tuned...

Awesome Promo Art: Megaforce

 The '80s were a weird, fun time.

It was only then that stuff like Megaforce could have been made.

The real question, of course, is...

Glorious.
Just glorious.

Those Vehicles.  That motto.  That face.

How can you not want to see Megaforce?!?

'00s Trash?: Blood and Chocolate (2007)

 A Film that sounds both gross and delicious.  Naturally, this Film is about...Werewolves?
Sure.  Alright then.

The Plot involves a secret cabal of Lycanthropes, a would-be Author and, well, another Romeo & Juliet Story.  As great as that Story is, how many Films would have to come up with their own Plots if it didn't exist?  Think about it.

Will this pre-Twilight Story be better than what would come later?  Would it help to be done by a German Director most well-known for a Film about Women's Suffrage?  

To find out, read on...

A young girl lives happily in the Woods with her family until some people kill them all and burn the place down.

Still upset that you didn't get that one toy you wanted when you were 10 years old?

Years later, she lives in Romania (in a rare turn, this Film shot in Bucharest is SET in Bucharest) with a new Clan...not that we're told that yet.

Of course, if the Film is marketed around this, why bother waiting to tell the Audience?

After sneaking into a Church, she runs afoul of a young man with a book full of Werewolf Sketches.

As (improbable) luck would have it, he's researching Lycanthropes for a Book (which I guess he's drawing too) and just happens to show up in the same Town as her and the Clan.

She hangs around with the guy and talks about Werewolves in the 'theoretical' sense, but her Leader- Olivier Martinez- discourages it.

This creates friction with his Son as well, who is trying to either mate with her or get her killed.
A tough choice any day, no?

We eventually get to see them in action as they let loose a criminal (who betrayed them) in the Woods and hunt them down.  If he makes it to the River, he lives.
He doesn't.

They jump through the air, glow random color shades and turn into normal Wolves.

Hmm...am I just SPOILED by stuff like An American Werewolf in London and its ilk?

They, of course, fall in love after some time.

This sure won't sit well with the guy who wants to be her mate (or, again, killer).

He with the Lex Luther in BvS haircut finally attacks the guy, but is wounded by his silver necklace lightly grazing his wolf form.

So, naturally, the guy straight up spears the Werewolf through a balcony!

The Werewolves eventually catch him and give him the same treatment as the last guy in the Woods.

He makes an escape- using some so-so tricks- and...is still attacked when he crosses the River.

Alright, so now him and the girl can just leave, right?  Movie over.  Plot has gone full circle and we've reached a climax?

Nope!

He has to find a cure for her silver poisoning- which is super easy, barely an inconvenience- and the Film *actually* ends with- wait for it- a shoot-out between him and the Werewolves.

The pair escape this time- for real.

An alright Film which has great atmosphere...but not much else.

The Film isn't terrible.  It's just...not that engaging.  
The Romeo & Juliet thing is played out, even 15 years ago.  The Acting is nothing memorable.  The Locations are nice, but not engaging.  It's just people going to old Buildings in Bucharest and talking about Werewolves.  Does that sound amazing?

The eventual pay-off to them as Werewolves was also a bit underwhelming for me.  Kudos for the different choice and all...but it wasn't a very exciting one.  When I'm more engaged in a long texting discussion than your Werewolf Film, it's a disappointment.

Let's end on a high note.  What's the face you make when you've just killed your Girlfriend's Family and ruined her life?

Next up, I cover the final piece (I can find) in a Series that started and stopped for 30 years.  See what happens when Studios waste lots of money on a Film.  Stay tuned...

Tubi Thursday: Black Magic (1949)

 Since it is Black History Month, let's watch a Black Film that is all about History.
Also it is based on a Book that didn't make you read in High School.  This is...

In a random Framing Device, Alexandre Dumas Sr and Jr discuss the tale of Cagliostro.

I think the idea is that this inspired the Writing of the Book...maybe.  Raymond Burr is here for like 2 seconds.

We learn that Cagliostro was once a Romani (I won't use the slur name) who's Parents were killed by Nobles.

A grown up version- Orson Welles, who supposedly-Directed some Scenes- learns that he can hypnotize people and vows to get long-form revenge.

He rises to power by showing off his ability to influence/control minds.

He gets popular with the elites like Louis XV and Marie Antoinette.

The Film is long and not super-exciting (it looks nice and all), so I'll summarize...

He forces a woman who looks like Marie to marry him under hypnosis.
He tricks her Lover and a Royal Guard into an elaborate scheme involving an expensive necklace that will make the Commoners hate the Queen.

One goes to steal it for 'Marie' and the other to get it away before people discover it.

All caught up and not at all confused (especially since the two guys are nearly Twins here)?

Will his convoluted scheme work?

Is this Poster great?

It all ends with Cagliostro on trial and nearly getting his way.

A Deus Ex Machina shows up in the form of Dr. Mesmer (not a Marvel or DC Villain) who hypnotizes HIM into confessing.  We know that he's not lying...but it sure looks like he's under mind-control to lie...so our Hero?

Naturally, it still ends with a sword fight- it's a Dumas Story- and the villain dies.  The End.

It's...very long and busy.  Granted- it's also good too, so don't judge me too much.

To be blunt, there's ALOT going on here, we get random narration that kind of helps, but it's still alot to follow.  We get multiple characters, actual twins, two guys that are nearly twins and a very complicated revenge scheme.

Welles is quite fun to watch as the (sometimes titular) villain.  He definitely overshadows everyone else as he hams it up just enough with his big, bug-eyed expressions.  He's young and virile here, bringing alot to the role.  That doesn't include sword-fighting, it seems, though as his obvious Double fights with his back to the camera the whole time.

Fans of this kind of Old School Film (which looks to have luxurious colors that we don't see in a B&W print) will enjoy this often-overlooked Film.  Like I said, it is ALOT to keep track of, so enjoy it.  After all, it is apparently the...

A complicated and mostly-worthwhile Film that definitely shines due to Welles.  Fans of this kind of Period Drama should love it.

Poor Bastards of Cinema: Savage (1995) {Part 1}

 A Film so pretentious and also stupid is going to have some collateral damage.

In Savage, our Hero is wandering around confused (that's about half of the Film) and uses a VR Phone Booth thing in this totally-normal Present Day (of 1995) setting.

Some bikers come looking for him and a fight ensues, wrecking the surrounding Magazine Stand.

You know, those totally normal Magazine Stand/VR Booths you see daily.

This poor guy sees his place wrecked AND loses some sunglasses to our Hero.

Not a Poor Bastard yet though.

A bit later, the bad guy sends his Henchman to get some information...

…and that guy kills him.

Was that necessary?

In summary, this Poor Bastard was just running a 'normal' business that got wrecked due to our Hero being there.

After that, he was killed by more bad guys due to him being there.

The lesson: play VR at home- you'll save a life!

Next time, it appears that our Hero learned ZERO lessons as he went right to a Nightclub.  This...won't be pretty.  Stay tuned...