'Ringu' Wrap-Up: The Ring (2002)

Long ago, I made it my mission to check out the original Ringu Films.  I figured I should probably get back to it.  

You see, I did the original Trilogy- the original, Part 2...and the replacement Part 2-, as well as the Prequel AND the South Korean Version.  

For whatever reason, I skipped the American Films.  Too obvious, I guess.  

Regardless, I need to right that wrong.  

On top of that, they have made more- I covered Sadako 3-D back in 2014- that I need to talk about.  

On top of *that,* there's an even earlier version that I missed.  

There's also a TV Show- I need to get Bob on that or something.  

If you're new or want a refresher, use the Ringu' Tag to search for the previous entries- there's alot and it is only going to get bigger.  

Let's begin where things all began...in America...with Remaking Japanese Horror Films. 

Interestingly, this isn't one of the ones where the original Director just redoes his Film.  

Instead, it's...Gore Verbinski?!?  In 2020, it is hard to associate the guy most connected to the Pirates of the Caribbean Films ushering in Japanese Horror Remake Fever!  

With some notable Cast Members and a big Budget- $48 million vs. supposedly around $1 million-, will it be a solid Remake?  Let's see... 

As the Series is pretty famous, I won't spend as much time on Plot Recap as I might otherwise.

It has also been 15 years since a successful, mainstream entry in the US, so I won't ignore it either.

Amber Tamblyn is killed by Sadako for watching the tape, foreshadowing her later death at the hands of Kayako in The Grudge 2.

Fun Fact: she's the only Actress to be in a Ring and Grudge Film (if you don't count the cast of Sadako vs. Kayako)

She's the Niece of Naomi Watts and was close with her son.  

Said son is creepy and smart, foreshadowing this same thing happening to Naomi Watts in The Book of Henry!

Watts, being a Reporter, begins to look into the mysterious death.  It ties back to a Weekend at a Cabin where Tamblyn watched the cursed tape.

It may sound crazy, but tapes were still the somewhat-dominant format at the time (though obviously on the way out).

In a curious decision, they spend a good chunk of the Film focusing on VHS Tape Technology, explaining things like how there is a signature on the tape made when recording, something that the cursed one lacks.

There's also an early obsession with old cameras, since being cursed makes your face blur up on Film for some reason.

Interestingly, a bit from The Ring 2 ended up in this Remake of the first Film.

We see the girl who found the Niece, who was so traumatized that she fears TVs and is in a Mental Ward.

The Film- like the original- focuses alot on the investigation.  She studies the tape.  She studies some names.  She tracks down old articles that bring her to the Island where Not Sadako was born and died.

In the middle of all that, they work in constant bits to keep the eerie tension up- perhaps too much.
For a Film that cut a 'distraction' out (see the wrap-up), they sure kept all of these in!

As the countdown continues for Watts' seven days (curiously, there is none for our Male Lead), the unthinkable happens!

You won't be able to sleep if you watch a cursed tape before bed, young man!

Watts and the guy- who turns out to be the ex-boyfriend and father of the Son- find the well where Not Sadako was thrown into when her powers made bad things like horse suicide happen.

The former falls head-first a dozen feet into the well, but is unharmed...somehow and finds the body, freeing it.

She, of course, tells her son that she freed the girl.  He decides to tell her that this was a bad idea...which he could have done earlier.

Too late for her boyfriend (and his dad).  In the aftermath, she makes a copy of the tape and...that's it.  More on this ending in a bit.

A decent, if overdone Remake.  

The appeal of the Story is watching the woman- in all but one case- try to solve the ticking-clock mystery in time.  The window dressing, as it were, is the creepy Sadako stuff.  That's all you need.  

The American Remake overdoes- for me- alot of stuff.  We need constant bits to remind of the strange power.  

We also need weird callbacks to other Japanese Films.  

For instance, water is all over the floor to Tamblyn's Room right before she gets killed.  I know it is supposed to be from Not Sadako, but how can you not think of Dark Water (also by the original Ringu Director)?  

More blatantly, Not Sadako makes Watts cough up a long strand of her black hair.  

Gee, what creepy ghost was all about hair?  I mean, I won't hold a *grudge* for this, but it seems out of nowhere.  

They also thrown in some weird stuff with horses and Evil Dad for good measure.  

The Film just can't let you go five minutes without 'ooh creepy' or 'ooh scary' and it is just too much.  We know the threat.  

We know the timetable.  

That should be enough.  

There's also some confusion about the rules, as they tick down to Watts' potential death...even though she should be spared the moment she shows it to her boyfriend.  Am I wrong?  

Does her Son seeing it also not count, as it is still the copy she made and left in the machine?  

Speaking of those rules, the original cut of the Film featured Chris Cooper as a killer that meets Watts.  In the end, she tries to save the son by leaving the tape in his cell.  

Test Audiences found Cooper so interesting that his absence was apparently 'a distraction,' so he's cut entirely.  

There's also a sadly dated Alternate Ending where another Copy ends up at a Blockbuster.  Eh, Cooper is better.

Next time, I cover the *American* version of The Ring 2.  Will it be the solid wrap up that the *second* Japanese version was?  Stay tuned...

New Streaming: Creepshow- 'The Man in the Suitcase'

As one of my Birthday presents, I can finally catch up on the rest of this Show.

I'll highlight all but one, since it ties into a certain Holiday.  This is...

In this Segment, we learn that wealth and ambition can come with a price.  Also just take the Bus.

A listless guy returns home and things aren't going his way.

His girlfriend just dumped him and he has no prospects.

He's also a stoner, because cliche. 

An apparent mix-up at the Airport- or is it?!?- leads to him getting some luggage that...starts making sounds.  What's inside?

No SPOILERS, except for, you know, the Title and all.

When his recent-ex and his roommate get involved, will they do the right thing?

Of course not- it's a Creepshow segment.  Duh!

Good, if rough storytelling.  The hook here- the titular Man in the Suitcase- is a good one.  The visuals- which I won't SPOIL- are good.  The twists- also no SPOILERS- are good.  The payoff- yadda yadda- is good.  It's all good.  I'm not sure that it is great though.  It is a slight tweak on some pretty familiar Creepshow stuff.  I get it- not everything needs to 'reinvent the wheel.'  I think that this one just needed a slight tweak or two to really be great.  That said, it is quite fun and works as a micro-story/segment here.  Many of these could be stretched to fill a feature-length narrative.  Could this?  Eh, maybe.  The Man in the Suitcase isn't exactly chock full of nuance, but it is a nice twist on the classic 'Be careful what you wish for- you just might get it' idea.  Now where did I keep my change for the Bus?

Next time, another segment involving, you know, a freaky monster or anything.  I didn't read ahead, so neither should you.

Poor Bastards of Cinema: Carnivore (2000)

A Film that appears to be dated uses a dated thing- shocking.

So, after doing more research (by reading its full IMDB Page), 2000's Carnivore actually started production in 1989!!!  So it is less of a 'love letter' to '80s Horror as a kind-of-sort-of part of it.

Since it finished production in 2000 (quick turn around), we get the dated elements.

For instance, Cops that show up where the Monster is.

You can probably guess what happens to them.

It sure isn't pretty!

On the plus side, he gave the Film one of its few good Effects.

On the negative side, you know, the whole being dead thing.

Next up, I go to more recent fare and dip *vaguely* into SPOILERS.  Even so, I have to document it when a Poor Bastard meets his/her end.  See you then...

Al's Birthday Review: Jonathan

I just watched a plot outline attempting to disguise itself as an actual film.

Hey, everybody. It's Al's birthday again, so once again, he's handed me a film he didn't want to watch. We're friends. I think. I'm just pretty sure Al misunderstood his parents' lessons on sharing growing up.

Jonathan is a West German vampire movie from 1970 which chronicles the journey of a young man named Jonathan to a vampire's castle. The vampires, who are not vulnerable to sunlight, seem to rule over large parts of the region, though it's never really explained exactly how far their reach extends or whether they're in some kind of formal governing position or just raiding with impunity. There's a lot that isn't really covered in this film, honestly. In any case, with the villagers fed up with their vampire overlords (?), they have a meeting and their leader sends Jonathan to scout out the vampire's castle in preparation for an attack, and to free prisoners that have been taken so they can join up with the villagers and overpower the vampires, driving them into the sea to die.

Aside from sunlight, vampires largely seem to ignore pretty much all the standard weaknesses - they don't seem to mind crosses (until a scene late in the film, I'll get to that) and they don't care about garlic, to name a few. In exchange, they apparently can just be killed by bullets, which makes them far less terrifying. I'm not sure if this is just a regional vampire story difference, maybe, but it definitely feels strange that some of the vampiric weaknesses are removed but then they just appear to be vulnerable to regular weapons. Admittedly I might be misreading things - the people killed by weapons might be human servants of the vampires? The film's reaaaaally not clear.

The setting is appropriately dreary and the film does nicely capture a sense of despair and bleak resolution to fate - most people Jonathan meets just kind of seem to be living day to day, doing nothing more to change their fate than locking their doors or gathering in basements. The land feels lifeless and barren, without hope, and Jonathan never really finds any friendly faces along the way or people actually willing to help him. It's a sorrowful world where even the light of day can't improve things.

The problem is that it's also dreadfully boring.

There just isn't really much that happens in Jonathan. Our hero - who we don't even meet until about 15 minutes into the film, after an extended introductory sequence involving a group of vampires very slowly searching an apartment for a young couple, only for one of them to immediately commit suicide and the other to escape them and get killed by dogs - sets off for the vampire's castle in a carriage, loses his carriage to a vampire attack, and then spends most of the rest of the movie just trudging along the road, running into villages that are already destroyed, accomplishing nothing, until he finally does find his way to the castle.

There are a few events along the way, but they lack any real sense of plot. The only thing that gets a bit interesting is when a vampire (or perhaps a human servant, again, it's unclear) joins up with Jonathan for a bit, pretending to help him, and subtly throws a rock at some villagers to make them attack him and Jonathan and stop Jonathan from being able to ask them for help. That's moderately interesting, at least. That part of things ends soon after, when he offers to take watch for Jonathan as they camp, then waits until morning to suddenly decide to attack. Jonathan kills him, and we're out basically the only other character with any actual development.

Jonathan himself basically does nothing. I'm not just saying "nothing but walk to the vampire's castle," like he does something after that. No, I mean that he does nothing. The hero of the film accomplishes nothing for the entire movie. Not one thing.

I'll explain, but spoiler warning, I guess.

And they have very little to do with their time.

So: Jonathan - after a weird interlude in which he meets some villagers all hiding in a house watching a couple have sex, and then sleeps in a barn until someone comes to sleep with him randomly too - eventually makes it to the vampire's castle and breaks in. He is almost immediately captured, but the lead vampire just lets him roam the castle as long as he doesn't go in any locked rooms. He does, finding the prisoners, but before he can do anything the lead vampire captures him again and throws him in prison this time, where he is tortured.

This is, at least, an intimidating shot - or it would be, had it been built to with a proper sense of dread.

We see Jonathan's fellow villagers on their way to attack the castle. Now keep in mind, it was pretty clear early in the film that their plan won't work without the information Jonathan is supposed to provide and without Jonathan freeing the prisoners to join their assault. That's the point of the meeting scene early in the movie. So, how will Jonathan get free and help the villagers in their assault?

Well, he'll get free when the villagers, halfway through their very successful assault, free him.

Yeah. Basically the villagers just succeed at their plan without him. I guess you could say that since they free him before going to free the other prisoners maybe he told them where to find the other prisoners? But that's a stretch - they clearly figured out where to find him without help, and he appears to be in a far more secluded part of the castle than the others. Jonathan's barely even visibly involved in the final attack - I think he's part of the torch-and-cross wielding mob, but he's never really shown until he sits on the beach at the end of the film. He's absent, in any meaningful way, from the climax. The title character is basically absent.

It feels like if you made Lord of the Rings, but Frodo kind of tripped on the way to Mount Doom and couldn't make it there, but no bother, even though the ring wasn't destroyed the armies of good just kicked Sauron's ass anyway. (That would still be much more interesting, mind, but you get the point.)

It's so bizarre. I can't think of too many other films where the hero or heroine has felt this ineffectual. Only thing that springs to mind is the anime Amnesia, where the heroine spent the entire series being told what to do by others and when she finally did decide on an action, it was the wrong thing to do and accomplished nothing.

There are a few other plots that try to start up in this film, but go nowhere. For instance, the lead vampire lets Jonathan tour the castle openly and drives away other vampires who try to go after him, claiming him as his own. What plans does he have for Jonathan? Who knows, it never comes up again. A vampire takes a baby from a villager and cradles it gently, while the mother screams outside for her child's return. What happens there? Who knows, it never comes up again. 

There's repeated scenes of these young girls who dance around and seem to serve the main female vampire in some way, and they're very mysterious and weird and seem to maybe trap this lady that tries to warn Jonathan, but then they stop showing up in the movie, so that never comes up again. 

Jonathan's girlfriend is captured like immediately after he leaves town, turned by the vampire lord, but if he ever sees her again in the movie he doesn't really react to it, so I honestly couldn't tell you if he ever does encounter her again. I think she's among the vampires when he's captured, but he says nothing to show he's recognized her or anything.

You couldn't just cut open your hand or something, dude?

Even he looks kind of embarrassed.

Then there are parts of the story that have an ending but don't seem to have a beginning. There's a part late in the film during the battle between the villagers and the vampires where a village woman is repeatedly striking a fallen vampire in the face, even though he's clearly already dead. She beats him bloody and keeps on hitting him. It would be a powerful scene if she'd shown up in the movie even once before and had been built up in some way so we understood why she had a particular level of hatred for this particular guy. Instead, it just comes off as strange because they keep focusing on it like they're expecting us to have some emotional reaction but nothing has been built up.

Oh, they kill a rat, too. Like actually kill a rat, right on camera, stomping it to death. So that was fun.

The handling of vampire lore feels all sorts of weird, both in how the story uses it and in the portrayal of the vampire expert character, the professor who advises the villagers in their hunt. It feels like he's played for laughs - he gives Jonathan a bag with garlic, a tome he wrote, a huge cross rosary, a map, and a dagger. All but the dagger are almost immediately lost and this weird monk in a cabin in the woods is shown playing with the items (again, is he a vampire or not? Not sure), and shown having a collection of crosses that he hangs inverted on his walls. So it looks like the film's saying the professor's knowledge is fake and all these supposed weaknesses don't matter. He even gets run over by accident by one of the carts on the villagers' journey to the castle, which feels like a dark comedy thing. But then he's just kind of fine when they get there and he leads the attack on the castle and succeeds in every possible way, and the villagers' crosses seem to drive the vampires back just fine and his plan totally works. The villagers drive the vampires into the sea and they die just as he'd predicted. So...what was I supposed to be drawing from his character and the lore he was spouting? Was he right? Wrong? Did he just make a lucky guess? Were the characters unaffected by crosses not vampires, and the ones affected vampires? That's my best guess on that part, but the film doesn't really say anything to let the viewer know. And at least one of them has to be a vampire - the old lady, who gets pushed into the ocean with the others and vaporizes - but she's in the presence of a cross early in the movie and it doesn't seem to do anything to her (though she does instruct another person to remove it, so maybe that was meant to imply it would do something?). It's all very confusing.

I'm really thinking about this movie too much.

Look...the point is, this is just a really dull film. It's at least three times as long as it really needs to be, and it feels like the basic outline of a plot without the details filled in. Heck, about 45 minutes in to the film I felt like I was really still watching the introduction. It's like somebody decided to make a movie out of Castlevania but made the entire thing about a Belmont preparing for his journey rather than actually fighting vampires.

It's hardly the worst thing Al's made me watch, but it's just dull and boring and completely uninteresting. It's not produced badly, and it doesn't make any real mistakes from a technical standpoint. It's reasonably well made - there's just absolutely no reason to ever watch it, ever. It's a waste of time and can't even bother to involve it's hero in the conclusion. It's one of those films that makes you watch and think, "well, there's an hour and a half I'll never get back."

Happy Birthday, Al.

Holiday Flix: American Tigers (1996)

America the Brave.  America the Beautiful.  America the...place that likes to use Convicts to stop crime.  This is American Tigers, a 1996 Action Film that was clearly inspired by Suicide Squad.  Back when it was just a good comic and before it was a disappointing Film, we got this Film.  The Plot is, as I pretty much said, about the U.S. Military using Convicts to stop bad guys.  In this case, a planned meeting of the heads of multiple Terrorist Organizations.  With only a vaguely-long time to prepare, they make Not Colonel Flagg recruit a team of Military Prisoners.  He has to whip them into shape as a bad-ass crew!  Can he do it?  Can he also find time to hang out with a Celebrity Friend?  Can he also find time to hang out at a Strip Club (the 'Let's Up the Rating to R' Trope)?  With Flash Gordon and Ogre on the case, here's hoping!  To find out how patriotic this can (not) get, read on...

A Terrorist- who's white, since this is pre-9/11- is planning something big- a mass Terrorist event.

He sets it off (as a show of force) by blowing up an Ambassador- at a NAFTA Protest, dating this Film- and getting away from the police.

Naturally, at least one Cop drives an old, '70s car so they can cheaply crash it.

A General- played by Joe Estevez- decides that the only way to stop the planned collaboration of Terrorists is a unique kind of Soldier- the criminal kind.

A Colonel- Sam J. Jones- is put in charge of recruiting a team from the worst-of-the-worst of Military Prisoners.  

We just saw him be sad at the execution of a Soldier, so we know why he would agree.

He recruits a wide-range of Prisoners, filling all of the quota of minorities- not that there's anything wrong with that.

Notable among the group is Rory Gracie (of the famous MMA Family) and...Ludvig Borga (aka Thor the Viking).  

Who else has Action Star (never as a Lead, mind you), Pro Wrestler, Boxer and Politician on their Resume?

Now here we get to the problem of the Film- the Pacing.

After setting up a threat and establishing a team, they spend a solid HOUR on showing them 'gelling' together, with only occasional reminder of the bad guy existing.

They train.  They banter.

The best part though- the Colonel calls in his friend...Cynthia Rothrock (yes, she plays herself) to help train the team in Hand-to-Hand Combat.  Movie has time for this!

Taking a page (10 years before the Film) from Anapolis, they also make sure to have a Boxing/Fighting Competition against some other Soldiers.

While fun, Movie *still* has time for this.

In addition, we get a pair of Scenes- one early on and one before the 3rd Act- that give us the following...

- T&A Shots of Strippers

- 'Ogre' as the Colonel's friend who offers to help (and does in the finale)

- The Colonel's ex-wife, who, I guess runs the place.  She's here to lay exposition and then add pathos in case the Colonel dies.

With just under 20 minutes left, the team-and Ogre, plus a Biker- raid the ship in a so-so shootout.

We get a pair of them dying (to add stakes, I guess) and a bit where the Colonel confronts his former Soldier-turned-Terrorist before a cheap-looking CG explosion ends the Film.

It was never going to be great, but it definitely could have been better.  I had fun watching the Film- don't get me wrong.  The Action is good.  The Writing is decent.  The Acting is fine, but not great.  It doesn't look too cheap.  The problem is just the focus.  This feels more like the 90-minute Pilot to a Show called American Tigers.  We need all that set-up to be invested in their future stories.  It would make sense to prioritize them over the Plot in that case.  Sadly, this is *not* the Pilot to a Show- it is a one-and-done Film (AFAIK).  It is just such a waste of time to commit so fully to this idea that we need them to be a team and THEN do the Plot stuff in the last 20 minutes.  Why not have them form, show some friction and then bond on the mission?  Maybe they get captured and break out, forming a tighter bond.  Do we need them fighting the other Soldiers as some sort of test?  No.  Keep the Rothrock stuff- as distracting as her playing herself is- though, it was fun enough.  It is just a matter of priorities.  By the time they finally reach the climax, it is just hard to be invested in this bad guy who gets like 5 minutes of screen time.  American Tigers is a decent, but flawed Action Film.  It could have been better with some rewrites and re-focusing on the Plot.  Here's a weird thing to leave you with- my digital copy of the Film has an alternate Title- see below- that was clearly added much later.  Said Title is apparently the one used by the *German* DVD, but my copy has no German Sub or Dub Track.  Odd...

A pretty fun, if meandering Action Film.  While it is not light on Action per se, it is light on Action where actual stakes are involved.

Quick Review: Avengers Grimm- Time Wars (2018)

In a time where Superhero Films are delayed, men and women must seek new alternatives.  Sadly, this is not a good one.  See how The Asylum can mix the worlds of Fairy Tales, DC and Marvel...and still be kind of boring...

In case you missed Avengers Grimm and Sinister Squad (like many people), here's a rundown...

Fairy Tale Characters like Snow White, Sleeping Beauty, Red Riding Hood and others traveled to our world (read: Los Angeles) through a magic mirror.

Said mirror was broken.

Alice- who I guess came over some time after that- began collecting other Characters that came through like the Big Bad Wolf, The Queen of Hearts and The Mad Hatter- all of whom, save for Hatter- are written out with one off-hand line.

At some point *after that* she caught and froze Snow White, who she has now freed...

The evil Queen Magda of Atlantis has showed up in Los Angeles in pursuit of Prince Charming and conquers Los Angeles...entirely off-screen.

She is met by Rumpelstiltskin, who is the same one from Sinister Squad (with a different Actor!), but not the same one from Avengers Grimm.

Pointlessly-confusing- yes!

The group- minus Rapunzel and Cinderella for no given reason- must reunite to save Charming, since whoever he marries will 'rule over the land.'

Since magic is vague and this Plot is dumb, that means they would rule over ALL land on Earth.

Rumpelstiltskin works with Magda as part of his evil plan to...pretend to be friendly to Charming and push him towards doing what she- or just he- wants.

These Scenes are silly and dumb, so here's 6 more!

Can they- alongside Alice, who can now just be Ant-Man, I guess- stop Magda and her Army of vague numbers of men?

Can her Throne Room look any cheaper?

Will the Time Travel stuff- since they guess Endgame- make sense and/or be interesting?

Will they ever avenge this random Detectorist at the Beach?

To find, stream the Film.  It's on Tubi, so free with ads.  Enjoy?

Where do I begin with this thing?!?  It is a Sequel to two disparate Films and does neither much service.  For Avengers Grimm, it excises two Main Characters, casts a new guy with the same name as that Film's Villain, rewrites a bunch of the backstory and just doesn't even fit in with anything that well.  Snow White was just captured by Alice off-screen at some point between Films?  She always loved Charming, even though he wasn't mentioned.  Magda was some evil force to be dealt with, even though Rumpelstiltskin supposedly conquered the Fairy Kingdom in that Film?  They also don't make it clear why so much is in Los Angeles either.  They say that the mirror being broken messed with reality, but how much?  As far as Squad goes, we only get Alice and The Mad Hatter out of it, since they just say 'the rest are out of Town.'  No, really.  Incidentally, we also lose the happy (?) ending with Rumpelstiltskin (the 2nd one) ruling over Hell with the Queen of Hearts.  Since they need him back, he just says that he 'got bored.'  Lame.  The big 'hook' here is supposed to be a connection of the 2 Films for something bigger.  So, to be clear, an Avengers knock-off is going to connect to a Suicide Squad knock-off- excitement?  If that's the goal, the payoff is kind of weak.  Alice gets stuff to do in the 3rd Act, but that's it.  Yes, Hatter is around and somehow worse than in the last one.  The official Art makes it seem like Alice is the 4th Member of the Team (ignoring that there were 5 last time and 2 are missing).  Not so much.  Is the Time Travel stuff interesting?  No.  We are *told* that there are consequences, but there's no fun payoff to the Time Travel like in Endgame.  Oh no, the 7 Dwarfs- who weren't in the last Film- are apparently dead?  I'm...sad?  This should be fun.  It is not.  I want to be all 'Surprise- this Asylum Film is actually good.'  It just happens to be that the last 2 cases just weren't.  In any case, at least nobody made *a different* DVD Cover that makes even less sense than the official one...

A Film that should be so crazy that it is fun.  Sadly, it is both too vague and too dense to follow & honestly not worth the effort at times.

VHS For the...Loss?!?: The Great Alligator

I nearly forgot about this one.

When you see it, you'll know why.

The Great Alligator is a cheap, but silly Jaws-inspired Film.  You can guess what it is about.

It has a notable Italian work-for-hire Director.  It has a Bond Girl.  It has...one of the worst VHS Boxes in history...

HAHAHAHAHA.

This is real?

This is really how you're selling this Film?

Would anyone look at this and go 'That's the Film I want!'- really?!?

Good for a laugh though.