10 Crazy Items from Friday the 13th: The Series!

As another *sort of* Holiday is here, let's skip looking at the Film Series and look at the TV one.

Going for 3 Seasons, it had nothing to do with the Films at all- save for one crossover bit of Casting.

If you don't know, the basic premise of the Show was our Heroes tracking down and re-collecting evil artifacts let loose on the World.  Let's look at some of the craziest...

10. Doctor...Death: Hey, this one ties into my last Review!

In one Episode, a magic scalpel can heal anyone who is injured...if you kill for it.  Why?
It *allegedly* belonged to Jack the Ripper!

Silly Show- his only power was Time Travel!

9. Two 'Waxwork's for the Price of One!: As a fan of both titular Films, it's interesting to see aspects of both Films show up here.

In one Episode, a magic handkerchief can bring wax figures to life.  In another, you can time travel through a magic painting.

Considering how weird this is going to get, it's still not that strange...

8. The Color of Murder!: This sure would spice up Pool Championships on ESPN 8 (The Ocho)!

In another Episode, a magical pool cue grants its wielder unnatural ability.  Naturally, you have to kill with it.

I don't even want to know what expert Fencers use!

7. Christine 2- The Quickening: Don't lose your keys!

One lucky fella gets some magical, blank car keys that allow you to upgrade your car...assuming that you kill someone with it first.

Yeah, the killing thing is common here.  I'm pretty sure that Season 4 would have had a Chess Set that required you to kill someone with a Rook!

6. Biff Gets Extreme!: In this economy, it almost might be worth it.

One man gets a magic ring- from the 1919 World Series- that gives you sports scores...if you kill someone, of course.  Naturally!

5. Writers Write and Killers Kill: A two-for-one special!

In one episode, an evil quill pen will kill people written about.  A Death Note precursor?
In another episode, a typewriter can allow someone to be controlled to commit crimes in a 'true crime' story.

4. Banzai!: It brings a whole new meaning to 'Turning Japanese.'

This one is wonky enough that I may *really* need to cover it separately in...damn, November.  A cursed Kamikaze Pilot Jacket can make you turn invisible (if you kill someone).

Sure- why not?!?

3. Mulch Money: Is this device really evil?

In an especially-odd premise, a cursed device is presented that appears to be a simple mulcher.  Its magic, however, turns people into money!

Again- sure, why not?!?

2. Sic Semper Logica!: It sure ain't a fun night at the Theater.

This cursed item is a make-up kit owned by John Wilkes Booth.  It can make one's face return to beauty, but only if, you guessed it, you kill someone.

Fun Fact: Booth's Brother Edwin was also a big Actor.  In case you thought you had the worst Brother ever...

1. Mein Puppe: I nearly did this as a solo one, but this List seemed like more fun (and is easier).

So this one involves a Ventriloquist's Dummy, Billy Drago, an evil curse and a boutonniere that belonged to Adolf Hitler.  Need I say more?

That's just the tip of the iceberg, mind you, as the Show has many more Episodes.  By the time we reach the next one, see how many you can catch!

Rare Flix: Terror at London Bridge! (aka Bridge Across Time)

A thank you to Obscurus Lupa for bringing this Movie into my life!  This is 1985's Terror at London Bridge, an NBC Movie-of-the-Week.  Why is it worth resurrecting after 30+ years?  Well, first things first- its Star is David Hasselhoff.  I could end the hype right there...but I won't.  The Plot is bonkers.  So, follow me here, you know Jack the Ripper.  Did you know that he was actually killed in 1888?  Yep, he sure was and it happened at London Bridge.  Nearly 100 years later, a magic effect brings him back...in Arizona.  So this requires a quick history lesson for those not informed on the comings and goings of famous Bridges.  In 1962, the Bridge was deemed 'not safe enough for travel.'  So, naturally, a rich guy in Arizona bought the Bridge for his 'City of London' by Lake Havasu.  That brings us to 1985 and the return of Saucy Jack at the same Bridge.  Can the Hoff stop the Ripper?  Can you get enough '80s hair?  Can you stop laughing at the premise?  To find out, read on...

In 1888, Jack is chased by a mob (after tossing a man like he's Andre the Giant) and shot, falling to his death from the London Bridge, loosing a stone in the process.

In the Present Day (of 1985), the final brick is restored and this lady bleeds on it (after somehow grazing a piece of a scaffold), which brings Jack back to life.

Of course, it is not clear why it brings him back in way shape or form, so...um...moving on...

When the body is found, the Mayor won't close the Beach...I mean, the Village and blames it on a transient.  Enter the Hoff to smolder him into doing the right thing!

At the same time, this man shows up and is properly-creepy...and also British.

His name should be Red Herring, but it is probably more like Spotted Dick.

In the B-Plot, Current and future Detective Hasselhoff is courting the lady who runs a Boat Service.

In a bit that was possibly-stolen by Die Hard, his backstory involves him killing a kid.  Break out that Emmy, dammit!

As the killings increase and time passes in a vague manner (seriously, the Film takes place over like 2 months with no time cards), Hoff makes his big thesis- the killer is the real Jack.

To the Film's credit, nobody accepts his logic (even if he's right).  Touché, Film.

Shockingly, the guy who was also British and wasn't a fake evil guy is actually Jack.  He needs to kill one more person to make the stone send him...back to England.

First off, huh?!?!?
Second, they know you are the killer, so why would you go back?!?
Third, you already killed a Guard.  Why not use his blood?

Hoff fights Jack and loses pretty soundly the first time.  He takes Hoff's girlfriend up to kill her, but Hoff returns.

For some reason, he decides to toss him over the side of Bridge like it is the Royal Rumble Match!

Of course, Hoff hangs on (but doesn't skin the cat) and shoots Jack, getting over his fear of shooting.

The Movie goes full circle with Jack falling to his death...again and taking the brick too.  Sequel Bait?  The End.

A fun, silly affair.  To be fair to the Film right off the bat, it plays things straight.  Thank Xenu they do too, since the Movie is all the funnier for it!  The Setting- Arizona Tourist Trap- is not rife for Horror or Thrills.  They try to manufacture it by having a 'House of Horrors' Gift Shop, but that's obviously not enough.  The Story is silly as hell.  Why involve Magic?  Why involve Time Travel?  There are a number of ways to make a good, but forgettable Film based on the London Bridge in Arizona...if one is so inclined.  In the short term, that would have been better.  Granted- it worked out well in the long term, since it inspired someone to Review it in 2020 and then inspired me to rip them off by also covering it to.  In my defense, Obscurus Lupa indirectly led me to Roller Gator, so she earned this!  The Film is super cheesy and clearly confined by the setting.  It is a nice travelogue for the place, I suppose, but the Film just lacks atmosphere.  They have to constantly cheat to not show you stuff that would ruin the tension even more, which is kind of funny.  If you can get past the silly Plot, they play it straight enough to enjoy as good old, American now that we bought it cheese.  Case in point: Jack stalks the Funeral for one victim (which takes place in broad daylight on a Golf Course!) and...nobody sees him.  I mean...really?!?

Next up, I need to do some more stuff about women.  How about this Movie about a Witch that isn't spelled with two 'Vs' for some reason?  Stay tuned...

Prestige Streaming Standard: The Mandalorian- Part 2

After waiting for the Month and a recent big day to pass, it's time that I wrap this up.  Of course, the new Season will probably be out soon enough, since I'm so 'speedy' with this.

Regardless, here's what you need to know about the second half of the Season...

Still on the run, our Hero ends up on a random Planet to make some money.  Naturally, he meets...Amy Sedaris?!?

Oh and also the original Mulan too.

In Episode 6, he takes a job with an old friend/comrade.

Naturally, things go sideways in a hurry.  Any mission where you are teamed up with Bill Burr and Satan here is going to do that.

Episode 7 brings things back to the main Plot as a mission at his old Home- which he left in Episode 3- comes up.

Will it be a mistake to return, even with back-up?

Episode 8 brings closure to this part of the Story...but that's about all I can say, really.

Oh and I guess it involves lots of lasers too.  No SPOILERS- lest Disney sic these guys on me!

A solid, action-packed wrap up to a good Series.  As I mentioned before, the Show had tons of hype.  Thankfully, I feel like it lived up to most of it.  Baby Yoda is cute.  The mix of old and new mythos is cool.  It looks nice.  It is well-written.  It is well-directed.  There are plenty of little things that are done right that make the whole thing feel really good.  By the end, we know enough about the mysterious Mandalorian to connect with him, while also leaving mysteries to be revealed.  I'm sure that Season 2 will bring more of this, hopefully just as interesting.  I have to mention the great and random Casting once again.  We now have Amy Sedaris, Ming-Na Wen, Richard Ayoade, Bill Burr, 'Mr. Krabs/The Kurrgan' and- is this a SPOILER in 2020?- that guy with half his face missing from Breaking Bad.   The Episodes are paced and written well to work in nearly-hour long format like this.  Long enough to give you what you need, but not too long as to drag.  It's a balance that many Prestige Shows don't get right.  If you like Star Wars in general, you'll like this Show.  As someone who just bought a VHS of Star Wars- Droids the other day, I obviously qualify.  I also qualify for the weirdest humble brags too, don't I?  Think of it another way- it impressed a guy who'd literally never seen Star Wars enough to Star in it, so that must be something, right?

The second half delivers big moments and strong character work.  Here's hoping that Season 2 keeps pace.

Quick Review: Alita- Battle Angel

After an infamous release and a slow, but surprisingly-successful run, I finally get around to this.  Can I get past those eyes?

In the future, a Scientist finds the core of a rare, long-since-dormant robotic creature...

…which he proceeds to revive and call Alita, after his dead daughter.

Seriously...those eyes are going to be an issue.  I can't be in the minority here, right?

Steel City is her new home and a literal City of Hope floats above them.  Can she (and others) literally reach the land they want to ascend to?

You'd want to go up there too if the City you lived in was full of rejected Rob Liefeld creations from Youngblood/Cyberforce/Cyberstrike.

Can Alita go from nobody to Battle Angel (whatever that is)?  Is the Title a giveaway?

Will she save the day?  Will she become her true self?  Will the Movie end on a cliffhanger that hinges solely upon the Film's international sales to conclude?

To find out, watch the Film now on Streaming, DVD and, I don't know, Video-CD.

Alot of Film...but also not that much.  Alita is apparently a condensed version of 2 Volumes of a 9 Volume Manga.  Given that it took over a Decade for this Film to get made, I guess we can enjoy the final chapter sometime around the point that the Sun burns out!  I kid, I kid.  The Story itself has potential, but it relies upon you buying into ALOT without much explanation.  'Oh sure, it's the future and Cyborgs...and a sky city...and robots...and those eyes.'  Seriously, it astounds me that they hired Christoph Waltz AFTER he appeared in a Film called Big Eyes.  It's like they wanted to make the joke easy for me!  I won't say that it ruins the Film- it doesn't.  It just creates a weird, jarring distraction during many key scenes (see the last 2 Screen Caps).  Speaking of distracting, we randomly meet a few Characters and they never show up again.  I get that they are there for future Sequels, but...why did we need them?  We really needed to see Jai Courtney for 10 seconds or hear Michele Rodriguez for 2 lines?  No.  Hey look- we got a random That Guy Actor...and made him a CG-cyborg Cowboy (see below)- why not?!?  Creepy eyes and uncanny valley faces aside, the Film looks nice.  You can tell that they actually spent lots of money on this.  I just wish that I really could connect with the Plot, Characters, Setting and overall feel of things.  The Movie just feels very long as it meanders early on, doesn't really pick up pace in the 2nd Act and then does too many things in the final Act.  It goes from 'things just kind of existing is a Plot' to 'Now let's jump from Page 70 to Page 90!' by the end.  I'm curious enough to at least check out the Anime, since...I mean, this guy won't be there...right?

A decent enough Film that can slip by on flashy visuals (and big eyes).  If you look deeper, you'll realize that there's both too much and too little Plot squeezed into what feels like 3 hours.

Forgotten Flix: Zathura (2005)

As another Jumanji Film is behind us, let's look at the forgotten 'second chapter.'  This is Zathura, a 2005 Film that is based on a Book that is a Sequel to Jumanji.  Is it Jumanji 2 (like Jack Black once said)?  No.  In the Book, Zathura is the back-side of the board for Jumanji.  Double-sided game boards are a thing of the past, which is where this idea comes from.  In the Film version, however, that element was removed.  Instead, Zathura is a self-contained game that is also uncovered by two kids.  It's also important to note that this is not a 'rip-off' of Jumanji- it's 100% not.  To be more accurate, it is another story by the same Author and contains many similar elements.  It is kind of like how the guy who wrote and directed Leprechaun would go on to make Rumpelstiltskin too.  If you want to put it another way, think of how L. Frank Baum couldn't get the hell out of Oz.  The Film itself is notable for all of the people involved.  Its Director would follow it up with Iron Man.  Its Male Lead would go on to be the Male Lead in the Hunger Games Films.  It's Female Lead (and only Female Character) would go on to star in the Twilight Films.  Hell, even if you go deep into the Credits, you'll find some notable names.  Is the actual Film worth attention?  To find out, read on...

A pair of brothers are not getting along, something not helped by their parents being divorced (though it is not stated overtly).  Can they work it out?

After 'escaping' the Basement, the youngest finds the titular Board Game and starts to play it.

As you can guess, the consequences are real...

The game sends their house into Outer Space!

It's a good thing they didn't have someone working on the Roof, huh?

They have to keep playing the game in order to get home, but, of course, the stakes keep raising.

Oh and Kristen Stewart spends the first 2/3 of the Film frozen and/or unaware of the Film's events.

FYI you can see the frozen Kristen Stewart Puppet amongst other Stan Winston Props...you weirdo.

The arrival of an Astronaut can help turn the tide.  Will he bring different issues and revelations too though?

The youngest has to face his fears in order to save the day.  Is he finally growing up?

To be nice, I won't SPOIL the couple of twists hidden in the Film that are revealed by the end.  I'm not a dick...well, in this one instance, anyhow.

Of course, they make it back in one piece and agree to never talk about what happened.

I guess the people that saw this Film 15 years ago all agreed too.  The End.

A fun, visually-interesting Film that is definitely made for people younger than me.  Was I too old for this Film when I first saw it?  Maybe.  True story- I was working my first Job at a Movie Theater when it was out, so I saw it in 10 minute chunks over like 2 months.  The biggest positive and negative here is the focus on the two Brothers.  As a sibling, I can relate to alot of it.  If you are one of those weirdos from one kid households, you may not feel the same way.  On top of that connection, you have to realize that it is about kids of a very certain age.  If you are that age, just passed that age or are old enough to have kids that age, it works.  If you don't fit into any of those categories, you find yourself really relating to Kristen Stewart and/or the Astronaut.  That's not a knock on the kid actors either- they're good.  They play the roles just as written, so no fault on their end.  I just kind of got tired of the kids- that's all.  I know- I'm a bad person.  The actual Story, Effects, Set Design, Sound Design, Soundtrack and all around feel of the Film is good.  This seemed to work as Jon Favreau's tryout for a Film like Iron Man.  I can definitely see it.  Of course, it helps that one of the founding Executives behind the MCU was a Producer (and more) on this one first...

Next time, a strange little Film that I saw someone do a Video Review of.  It looked funny enough for me to stop watching the Review so as not to SPOIL it for myself.  Stay tuned...

'70s Class/Trash: Prophecy (1979)

Is this an underrated gem or a silly mess?  It really depends on who you ask.  

Granted- you have to find someone who remembers this Film in the first place!  

Today's Film is Prophecy, a 1979 Eco-Horror Film when those were all the rage.  

A culmination of things had to happen for this Film to take place though.  

First- you needed Jaws to make Killer Animal Films a thing again.  

Second- you needed a stronger focus on the environment in pop culture to drive the story.  

Third- you needed a big time Director- John Frankenheimer- to be drunk enough to agree to make this Film.  

I'm only half-joking about that last one.  He's gone on record about his problems at the time and I obviously don't *really* think that Alcoholism is funny.  

Mind you, the results can be however.  

The Film's Plot involves some story gymnastics to take place.  It involves a Doctor, a Logging Company, some indigenous people, some big animals and a mutated bear.  

No, the monster is not a giant, ugly skittle like the Poster would have you believe.  The Film lives and dies by two things- its Plot and its Monster.  To see which one is ultimately sillier, read on...

A Doctor- Robert Foxworth- works in the 'Ghetto' and cares about 'the little guy.'  He's basically Billy Jack if you didn't do Karate and try to make Indian Schools.

Maybe this is just me, but is hair really distracting to you?  It's like 3 different colors, lengths and consistencies.  Pick one!

Because he is 'good with people' (right after we see him bemoaning everyone), the Doc is sent in by a Logging Company to prove that things are safe.

The group runs afoul of the native population, led by John Hawks...who is played by Armand Assante.  Alas, Adam Beach was too young to play this role at the time.

The Film is really concerned with being about the environment and some sort of China Syndrome-vibe.

As such, a good portion of the middle of the Film is them looking at nature, being in nature and then touring the Logging Facility in what feels like real time.

Here's a splash of silly to keep you satiated though, Audience!

Things eventually escalate as our Heroes find a washed-out baby Bear that looks mutated.  They prove that the Mercury in the water is dangerous to the native people and the wildlife before...a bear fake-out.

Double-fake-out- the real bear shows up after all and smashes up the place.  Frankenheimer and company do get this good shot of Chief Grampa watching it go down though.

So the Third Act is built around one thing- Man vs. Bear!

On the plus side, Foxworth's hair/beard is less distracting when wet.

So I have to talk about the Bear.  I...love it and I hate it.

The premise is simple- he's a big-ass bear who was mutated by the mercury and looks monstrous.
He also looks silly as hell, as his burnt-up look resembles a chewed up starburst more than skin.

Things get really intense- and worth watching the rest of the Film- as the group tries to escape the Beast.  Will the lake be enough to keep it away?

Well, no.  A good stabbing or two does the trick...

…or does it.  Yes, they Sequel Bait with...another Bear?  It's not wounded, so...maybe...I guess.  The End.

The best and worst of the '70s in one big, long package.  Giggity.  

Seriously though, the Film is kind of a beautiful mess.  On one hand, it wants to be a serious Film that challenges the Audience with its talk of environmentalism.  They have the evil Logging Company guy...but he also challenges the Audience a bit by talking about supply and demand.  'OMG- I do use Paper!  It's my fault that you...dumped Mercury in the Water for 20 Years.  Wait...no, it isn't.'  

It also uses 'Indians' as essentially props here to give the Film an air of reality.  Hey, it worked for Day of the Animals, Orca and White Buffalo!  On the other hand, the Film clearly has to be a Monster Film.  It almost seems to fight it as long as possible.  We get the tease of some off-screen Monster- just like in Grizzly- and then the famous Sleeping Bag Kill from above.  

Eventually, the Film seems to give up and just gives you the Bear knocking people around!  When that happens, the Film really delivers some good, old-fashioned fun.  The Bear visual, again, looks weird as hell.  I think they did a good job by showing it alot, but I will also concede that they almost show it too much.  It looks real enough for quick shots though.  

Prophecy- not the one with Christopher Walken- is a self-serious Film that eventually just gives up and gets hilarious.  You may not like the slower, more serious first section, but I think it all pans out in the end.  

Here's a fun contrast- and possible tease for a future Fiction vs. Fiction- for you: compare the Poster (above) and the original Book Cover...

Next time, I cover a Film that relates to the new Jumanji Film (now out on VOD).  It's a bit forgotten, so see if you remember it.  Stay tuned...

Impossibly-Cool Cover Art: The Strange Case of Man and Beast (aka Dr. Jekyl)

I'll be honest- I know little about this Film.
I had to Google it.
I just found the original Artwork online and wanted to work with it.

I'll probably cover the Film itself at some point, but, for now, enjoy this Italian Poster (for an Argentinian Film)...

 Damn!

You really want to see that Film now, don't you?
I sure as hell do!

Granted- I have like 26 other Films to do right now, but I feel the need to drop everything and see this!

Speaking of seeing things, here's the original Poster...

Solid, exciting stuff.  I just gave it some pizazz and badly-needed restoration (digitally).  Pay me, Argentina (since the Director died 6 years before I was even born and can't do it himself)…