Lost in Translation?: Robowar

'Rip-off' is a dirty word.

That said, the Films can be fun in their own right.

Take Robowar, a fairly-obscure Film that rips off Predator- just with a robot.  They beat Kevin Sorbo to it by a while!

This being a Foreign Poster to a Foreign Film (from a different Country), there can be some issues...

I love it!

Wait- where's the rest of its head?!?

HAHAHAHA.

Just to be clear- I didn't remove anything from the head.  See for yourself...

All I did was sharpen the colors and sharpened some bits.  I didn't need to do much to this hilarious gem!

'80s Fun?: Condorman (1981)

Shazam is back in Theater for the first time in 7 Decades!  Let's celebrate this with a Hero who hasn't been since in almost 4!  This is Condorman, a 1981 Superhero Comedy that is a bit odd.  The Film is not that remembered, but is importantly historically.  For example, it's an early Superhero Comedy, long before stuff like Superman III.  Another example- it is one of the many money losers for Disney that led to their issues in the '80s.  It's good to be in such elite company as The Black Hole and Something Wicked This Way Comes (and also Tron).  Just think- there's some Alternate Earth where they got a Black Hole Sequel instead of Tron: Legacy.  This Film also proves to be an early Superhero Film being Meta, long before Deadpool stole our hearts on Valentine's Day.  To be clear, this is just a 'Metatextual Story,' so no 4th Wall Breaks.  Our Hero is a Cartoonist who wants to be his creation- to prove that it works.  Just imagine Jack Kirby punching Hitler now- we need a good smile these days.  In his attempts to be a real/fake hero, he proves to be a real hero all along.  This is 1981, so it is right in the middle of the Cold War, so evil Russians galore!  Is this Film a forgotten gem (only mentioned in a Toy Story Short ever since) or just something that birds should build their nests with?  To find out, read on...

Our Hero is in Paris and tries to fly from the Eiffel Tower, since he'll have Condorman do it.  It goes well.

Fun Fact: the Actor nearly died doing this stunt, so the bit where his Character's friend tells him that 'he nearly died' is...accurate as hell.

His friend works in the CIA (for MacGyver's friend!) and is given a weird assignment- get a civilian to deliver papers for them.  Right...

He naturally picks his insane Artist friend, who agrees to go on the 'adventure.'

Naturally, the hand-off to the Russian Agent doesn't go smoothly and he escapes by sheer accident.

This impresses the Agent and she decides to defect after being mistreated one time too many.

He becomes a reluctant Agent to get her and shows his 'skill' with a cane...that is a machine gun?!?

It doesn't go that easily, of course, and a chase ensues.  In the course of it, they escape in a custom Condorman car (hidden in a truck body)...that also turns into a Hovercraft!

How much did they splurge on this crazy venture for?!?  FYI I'm talking about both the CIA *and* Disney here.

Skipping ahead a bit, she gets recaptured and one last rescue happens.  It involves disguising himself as 'a Sheik' (naturally) and a fully-realized Condorman costume (last seen in the intro).

After *sort of* flying with her, they escape in, of course, a Condorman boat, complete with laser cannon!

They manage to escape- the Artist now casually-killing Russian Spies- and she falls for him.  The Film ends with them being given a new assignment...but this lost $9 million, so it only happens in a Comic.  The End.

It's a decent Film, but a tad long.  The core premise- Artist becomes Agent to rescue a Russian Defector- is something you either buy into or don't.  I did, but the Movie still only has so many good tricks.  The Film, for me, was just a bit too goofy.  I get that the idea was to lighten up the material, since it is pretty life-and-death.  My suspension of disbelief was just stretched too thin by the end.  What kind of material did this lady have that was worth the Millions they must have spent getting her?  On top of that, we find out that this was later a trap for him- which she regrets- so did he not tell them that?  I'm also not sure if this would ever work again, as he had the element of surprise at all times.  Next time, they'll just watch for your crazy glider suit and just blow you up with an RPG!  The Film is ultimately a bit of harmless fun that is a bit dated.  If you saw it in your youth, you might enjoy it again.  If you want to see '80s Disney and missed this, you might enjoy it.  It's just nothing super-special.  Now remember his glider suit?  Well, bear in mind that he was disguised as a Sheik the whole time with it somehow hidden under this...

Next time, I stick to the '80s and go for some more Superhero stuff.  It's a team-up for the ages!  Stay tuned...

DCE-Hulu: Doom Patrol- 'Paw Patrol'

After setting the end of the World in motion (is this still separate from the Trigon stuff?), can they fix things?  Let's see...

In Flashbacks, we meet Jane in her early, Punk Years.  She's not well-liked.

As the World faces extinction, Mr. Nobody (remember him?!?) agrees to put aside his plans to fix things (so he can mess them up personally, of course).

To fix things, they need to go back to the Past.  That means we need to break the 4th Wall just a little...

Can a convoluted plan involving one of Jane's personalities forming a Cult save the day?  Will none of those neat bad guys appear again?  Will I never not end one of these on a bunch of questions?

To find out, watch the Episode.  Where else can you binge-watch all of Superboy?

A fun Episode, even if a bit convoluted.  I'll try to avoid getting *too deep* into SPOILERS here.  Basically, the hole plan revolves around manipulating the past and getting the main Characters to do almost nothing in the past.  I sure am glad that all of them have powers/tech to...go look for a guy in a house.  It's an odd use of the Cast, for sure.  If you can ignore that, there are some nice bits with Robotman, a bit with Negative Man, some little things with Elastigirl and even some Chief too.  It's nice to have Timothy Dalton back- that's for sure.  I'm not sure why he can't be a bigger part of the Show.  I guess if he was around things would 'run smoother' for the so-called Team.  To be fair, however, they weren't exactly a great unit when he was around at first either!  I still have issues with the overall Show, but they do have fun with the crazy concepts.  If they can balance out the 'woe is me' stuff, I might really love it.  In the meantime, I'll enjoy the weird, one-off characters like this one...

Next time, Mr. Nobody returns to cause some chaos.  Thankfully, he had time away from voicing every sarcastic AI/Robot/whatever to do so.  See you then...

Quick Reviews: Justice League vs. The Fatal Five

The last time we got a Movie Sequel to a classic DC Show, it featured fart jokes, pointless musical numbers and kind-of-sort-of rape.  Will this one be better?

This is the Fatal Five- well, 3 of them, anyways.  They hijack a machine to go back in time.

I like how the Film cuts away *just before* the dial shows the exact Year. Cute.

They are trapped in their ship and put in the care of the Justice League.  Some time passes...

A reluctant woman- Jessica Cruz- is a Green Lantern, but suffers from PTSD, among other things.

Naturally, to play a psychologically-scarred Hispanic woman, they cast...the same one from Doom Patrol.  Good for her.

The (Three of) Five get free and make a big mess of things, seemingly-targeting the newest Lantern.

This draws the attention of the crazy man from earlier- Star Boy.  It's a shame that they didn't show us how he got here...or else this might be a neat surprise.

The Villains continue to cause a menace and only one team can stop them- the Justice League.

For the sake of fairness, most of the major and minor characters- like Martian Manhunter, Hawkgirl, John Stewart and others- were written out of this tale.  Aw.

Can Jessica rise to the occasion?  Can they stop the reunited Five?  Will this just make me miss Justice League even more?

To find out, watch the Film.  It's currently on Streaming and coming to DVD/Blu-Ray on the 16th.

A solid Justice League adventure.  At first glance, this feels like an odd sell.  The Villains are Legion of Superheroes ones.  It's designed to promote Jessica Cruz's Green Lantern, as well as Miss Martian into DC Animated proper.  That said, I still enjoyed it quite a bit.  They could have done something really simple and uninspired.  For instance, another Injustice League story or something with Starro.  Instead, they tried something different- what this kind of thing is for- and it worked.  Cruz's story is an interesting one and she's certainly a compelling Heroine.  Miss Martian's arc of trying to get acceptance from Batman is nice.  Star Boy's arc of trying to regain his identity and prove his heroism is good too.  The Fatal Five- even if you only get 3 of them for most of the Film- are good Villains.  As someone who's not super-familiar with the Legion stuff, they came across well and I understood them.  There are certainly questions to answer- like why the Green Lantern Corps is gone in the 31st Century- but they aren't distracting ones.  I will note that this one is darker- for better or worse.  People are shot (off-screen), people bleed and people die.  If you only know the lighter stuff and/or are trying to present this to a younger viewer, be warned.  As an Adult, I was cool with it, as they didn't sacrifice as much of the good stuff to be 'super dark' like Titans.  As a follow-up to Justice League, it works and makes me want more.  With the New 52 dead and (mostly) buried, can we get more of this?  One little thing- this extra is clearly a re-draw of Superman/Clark with blond hair.  I was thinking that this would be a Plot Point, but...nope- just a rare bit of lazy re-use.

A good Film that definitely gets darker than you might expect at times.  This feels like a 'more adult' Justice League tale- just without sacrificing most of what worked before.

Rare Flix: Cyber Tracker 2

Why is this so hard to find?  This is Cyber Tracker 2, the Sequel to, well guess.  Here's the thing: the first Film is pretty widely-available.  I own a copy on DVD (bought at Moviestop- RIP).  I own the Rifftrax Version on VOD.  I know that I could find it easily.  The Sequel- not so much.  Look at the Wiki Page for the Film.  Oh right- there is none!  The First Film has one and *that* includes a blurb about how this Film also exists.  Thrilling and insightful!  The original is about Don 'The Dragon' Wilson battling the titular creations as part of a conspiracy plot.  Now that things are better, will things stay quiet?  Of course not- we have a Sequel here!  If you wanted a very slight variation of the silly Plot, you're in luck!  If you wanted moments blatantly-stolen from a bigger Franchise, you're...also in luck.  To find out whether or not this was worth the $5 I paid for it at K-Mart, read on...

 In a dangerous future, Cops are supplemented by Cyber Trackers.  They look like Robocop, but only in this one Scene.

As long as the rip-offs stop here...

Our Hero's Wife is framed for murder by way of a robot duplicate.  He's shocked...I think.  It's hard to read this expression...

It's all the work of this evil guy.  He's trying to rise to power and the robot duplicates are a big part of his plan.

While the plan is going on, they continue to work on their 'ultimate creation.'  More on him later.

Framed for the murder, the Wife (and Don) are chased by a Tracker (now wearing a black leather jacket) in a truck through a familiar ravine in Los Angeles.

So...Terminator 2 then?

That night, a robot duplicate of Don shows up and shoots up the Police Station.

So...The Terminator then?

Skipping ahead, they find the bad guy and battle the various Villains.  The Wife battles her robot duplicate and freezes her with Liquid Nitrogen.  She shoots her to shatter her.

If you already ripped off Terminator 2, why not do it 2 times?

Oh and that ultimate creation- he's killed after a brief fight by a laser.  The same laser, mind you, that was used to mold its face.

Build-up AND pay-off- what's that?!?

The actual final fight is saved for Don and the villain.  They blow up the base and learn to like the *good* robots.  The End.

An absolutely-goofy Film that tries to be serious.  It fails- obviously.  Don has never been *that* good of an Actor and he's not great here.  His one skill- kickboxing- is not really highlighted all that much either.  Wouldn't it have helped to avoid the Terminator comparisons if his robot duplicate did spin kicks and the like?  Instead of doing something interesting like that, it just shoots people and runs.  Yea?  The Robots are just not that interesting here.  There's one cute moment where the good Tracker tells a truck driver to call to get compensated for the loss of the vehicle.  Outside of that, they are just blank-faced, generic Villains.  The actual Villain is kind of fun, but he's a fun Actor in a not-interesting Film.  He does his best here and has a legitimately-interesting career outside of that.  He's an Actor/Stuntman/Trainer who can work a whip and a sword like a pro!  Another knock on the Film is just how cheap it looks.  Big-Budget Films from the same Year like Men in Black or Bad Boys look *much* better than this cheap-looking Film.  The Film's Special Effects are alright, but nothing more.  If you're into the silly kind of Action Films, this is a must-see.  It's never good, but it is usually a good laugh.  What's not funny though?  How about randomly-introducing a Neighbor Girl who does VR Karate...and never having her show up again?!?

Next time, I go back to the '80s.  When in doubt, go old-school trashy.  Stay tuned...

'90s Trash?: Seven

How have I not done this Film before?  David Fincher made it big with this Film and it defines him to this day.  It's...

Okay, that's probably enough for the line that will show in the Preview.

Yeah, I'm actually doing Andy Sidaris' Seven.  This seems like the best day to do it.  It's his first major Film and the original prototype for his later works like Malibu Express and Picasso Trigger.  Is early Sidaris good?  No.  Is early Sidaris better?  Yes.  It's a much more straight-laced Film than I expected.  It was a real hidden Film to, only getting a proper DVD/Blu-Ray release in 2018!  To find out more about this last (real) Sidaris BBB Film, read on...

In Hawaii, a bunch of Government Agents are killed.  The main culprit- Martin Kove from The Karate Kid.  Yes, it was before that Film.

Oh and they reuse the same Bar from the later Films.

One of the bad guys is also Weird Skateboard Guy.  He's not nearly as ridiculous as he is in Hard Ticket to Hawaii (where he rides down a road with a blow-up doll to hide his gun).

That's this Film in a nutshell though- like the later Films, but not *quite* as ridiculous (or interesting).

Our Hero is famous Character Actor William Smith, who is hired to kill the 7 Mobsters that apparently arranged the hits as part of their master plan to yadda yadda run Hawaii.

Sweet mustache, man!

He then spends the next THIRTY MINUTES meeting with his recruits, seeing their lives and telling them about their targets.

Pacing is something that Sidaris had not learned yet!

Finally, the group is all together.  After some banter, they get their assignments and...

...it is even more set-up!

Yes, arranging the hits- designed to take place nearly simultaneously- would take this amount of work.  You just don't need to show me every little detail.

Here's a static shot of parked cars to summarize how exciting this part is.

We *finally* get to the good stuff as the hits take place.  There's still more filler, but you can't complain too much at visuals like 'Man blown up by rocket' and 'Man/dummy tossed out of window.'

Not only would Sidaris re-use this bit in Hard Ticket, but he's also re-use 'guy gives up on sword fight to just shoot guy.'  Yes, this was before Raiders of the Lost Ark and, no, I don't think that Spielberg saw this!

The high point of silliness- them tricking a guy into wearing a yellow shirt with a target on him and shooting it.

Weird points for continuity too- this Professor wouldn't show up again until Picasso Trigger, where I was apparently supposed to know who he was.  Only 18+ months late for me!

After some so-so action, the group succeeds at the hits and takes time to straight-up murder the double-agent in public.  Our Heroes!  The End.

A silly, silly Film...but played straight.  It's meant to be serious.  It's meant to be complex.  The problem is that Sidaris is still not a great Director (even accounting for relative inexperience).  As a result, the Film is too long (at 101 minutes in the full Cut) and too slow.  It falls into the 'let's explain everything and do it slowly' trope from the 1970s.  Good Films can make you enjoy the wait.  Seven is just kind of dull for long stretches of time.  Too much set-up and not enough pay-off.  It also features A TON of narration from Smith, which is just a lazy way to tie Scenes together.  As a Sidaris Film, it's a tricky recommendation.  It's too straight to be really-funny, but it's also better in terms of production/writing than the later Films.  No random Sex Scenes (just some sporadic nudity).  If you want to enjoy him as a Filmmaker, watch this first.  If you want to enjoy him as 'that guy who makes BBB Films,' start with Hard Ticket and go from there.  It's less silly and dumb than even Malibu Express, what I once thought was the original Frankenstein's Monster of the Series.  And yes, I know that he made a Film before.  Dare I?  Maybe.  In the meantime, enjoy this reminder that you're still watching a Sidaris Film...

Next time, I *probably* won't lie about the Film for a joke.  It's only once a year, after all!