80s Trash: Curse II- The Bite

It's a maudlin day to have a Curse.  Today's film is Curse II: The Bite.  First, let's address the obvious- this is no Sequel.  Its only real connection is Ovidio G. Assonitis, the Producer of both films.  Speaking of him, he has his Egyptian hands all over a bunch of Horror Films and other Sequels.  His IMDB Profile includes such 'gems' as Beyond the Door III, Piranha II: the Spawning and both American Ninja 4/5.  What a Producer!  So what is this film about?  It's about a radioactive snake that bites a guy, turning him into Snake Man.  Well, some of that is true.  Unfortunately, the funny pay-off is the part that isn't true.  This is really a film about a guy who gets bitten on the hand by a snake and it mutates.  It takes nearly an hour of screen time to actually do this, so enjoy the slow, bloated middle of the movie.  Enjoy this movie's 'insert fat guy joke here.'  To find out if the rest of the film is worth your while, read on...

The film begins with a P.O.V. Snake out in the Desert.  I guess it's mutated due to radioactive exposure or something.  Do you really care?

This guy- with the super-punch-worthy face- is our lead, a man on a cross-country trip with his girlfriend.  I...didn't care much about him in any way.  That's not a strength of this film, especially since he's the lead.

The couple take a short-cut and run across some snakes.  Alot of snakes!

I have a couple of shots of this scene, but was a bit picky.  You see, I found no 'No Animals Were Harmed in the Making of this Film' Message in the Credits, so some of this may be involving real, live snakes.

The mutant snake from earlier bites our hero, but they're sort of in luck.  A Traveling Salesman- Jamie Farr!- gives him a generic anti-venom.

This is a plot point to, since Farr spends the latter 2/3 of the film trying to catch up to them, since he'd apparently be liable if he died from the bite (since he didn't give him the exact right anti-venom).  Insert Tort Reform joke here, Conservatives.

The film's lead slowly begins to change due to the bite.  He starts out weak and moody, but eventually gets violent.  They *refuse* to show you the transformed hand at all though.  Enjoy slogging through this part of the film to get to the 'Oh shit- here's the Budget' Finale.

In fact, he actually chops off his mutating (or so we're told) hand in a bathroom and they show NOTHING.  You couldn't throw us a gross-out bone?

This is a snake hand.  Do I need to say any more than that?

FINALLY, the movie delivers on the pay-off as our hero attacks the possibly-German family that was hiding him and indulges in some gross-out effects.  He wasn't a fan of the milk, apparently.

Seriously, this shit just gets crazy in the last ten minutes!  Where was any of this for the last forty-five minutes?!?  I had to sit through off-screen violence and implied death just so you could make this seem better?  Ugh.

Who's the hero that takes out the creature?  Is it Sheriff Bo Svenson (yeah, he's here...and in Beyond the Door III)?  Is it our lead heroine?

No, it's a Shotgun-wielding Jamie Farr.  Yeah, even he seems surprised by this.  The End.

This could have been so much more.  There is a certainly a case for having a slow build in a film.  Don't get me wrong- I don't think that you have to get immediate pay-off for films like this.  I don't mind a slow build if it really feels like a build.  It also helps if the story is interesting and if there are good characters.  Sadly, none of that is in Curse II: The Bite.  Incidentally, the film *works* as a Sequel if you try to pretend that Wil Wheaton's teen grows up (a bit) to be the guy in this film.  I'm very sure that's not true, but let's pretend!  The film's strong points are its ridiculous gore effects.  You get a brief bit of a creature early on (see below), but otherwise must wait for the climax for much of anything else.  If you can muster through the rest, it's a crazy finale.  It's somewhat illogical how the whole thing escalates so dramatically just because the film has a set run-time, but I digress.  How does the bite make your whole body turn into a snake and cause you to spit out snakes again?  Regardless, the Ending makes up for alot here, so it has that going for it.  Besides, it is the only film I've seen (so far) with a mutant snake dog in a garage...

Next up, a film I've had to wait 7 years to see due to some rights issues.  Will all of the Boys Love this long-litigated film?  Stay tuned...

'80s Trash: The Curse

Titles aren't really important, are they?  Today's film is The Curse, a film about...a meteor turning people into mutants.  Hmm...that's not much of a curse, is it?  There are four of these films, so I'm sure that they eventually get around to explaining it.  I've seen half of them...so we'll see.  This film is about a farm that is already down on its luck-the mid-80s were not a good time for farms in America- and manages to get even MORE bad luck.  Said bad luck involves a meteor, impure water and some 'lovely' apples.  Notable Cast Members include Claude Akins as the stern Stepfather, John Schneider as the guy who wanders into this mess and Wil Wheaton as the Step-Son.  It also features his Sister as, you guessed it, his Sister.  "Hey Sis- I got us a job!  You get to hang out on a Farm, get threatened by a monster and attacked by Chickens!"  Who could say 'no' to that?  The film is not notable for much else, so let's see what we can make of this film that 'inspired' three 'Sequels.'  To find out why there's no curse in The Curse, read on...

In the Prologue, a man is arrested for no clear reason.  As he is driven away, he freaks out when he sees people drinking/enjoying water.

The film then jumps back to 6 Months earlier, since telling a film in order is for losers!

In the Present (of the film), Wil is living on a Farm with his new Stepdad and jerk of a Stepbrother.  Well, it could be worse.

For example...

A Meteor- which is apparently attached to a metal rod (hmmm)- strikes the farm.  They are a bit bothered, but are having money woes, so they decide to press on.

Unfortunately, the Meteor melts- yes, you read that right- and gets into their water supply.  This makes subtle transformations in the family and changes in the food.  The Mom is hit by this the worst (somehow).  Here's her about 25 minutes into the film...

...and this is her about an hour or so into the film.  Damn, son!

Schneider plays a guy from Tennessee Valley Authority who shows up to possibly build a Dam nearby.  He's lead around town by the place's corrupt Lawyer, before he finally goes to the House and nearly gets killed by the mutating mamma.

Hmm...is Mutating Mamma taken?  If not, I have a Screenplay to write!

The Town Doctor- and 1/8 of the Cast, apparently- checks the water and finds that it is all sorts of messed up!  The Dad finally starts to mutate- since we're at the Climax- and acts evil...well, more evil.

In a blatant rip-off of The Shining, he shows up to help, only to take an axe in the back and get killed.  At least you're stealing from good stories!

The Climax is here, so people start to mutate more, people die and a model house collapses.

Oh, I mean their house collapses.  I don't know why I would think that it was a small-scale model.  Right...

In the Epilogue, we see that the Government has covered up the incident and taken in the guy from the TVA.  What happened to the kids is apparently not important enough to tell us!

I'm also not clear why this guy is covered in bandages.  Weird.

Finally, a bunch more meteors apparently strike the Earth, leading to...um, more mutants, I guess.

I'll just put this in the category with the unresolved dark ending to Children of the Corn 3.  Plus, Children of the Corn 5, Children of the Corn 6(66), Children of the Corn 8 (Genesis) and the 2009 Remake.   They...didn't know how to follow up on stories.

Oh right, The End.

This is a weird film.  I mean, just consider it as the sum of its parts.  It's about a family on a farm.  It's about a meteor striking Tennessee (that nobody seems to notice).  It's about mutant fruits/vegetables, plus killer farm animals.  A little girl is attacked by killer chickens.  A man tries to hide the effects of a meteor crash to help him get a Dam built nearby.  This whole thing is just a random series of things thrown together and called a movie plot.  Our hero- Wheaton- is proactive, but ultimately does very little.  The other hero- the Doctor- is very proactive, but, again, his efforts lead to very little in the long run.  In the End, this is a weird series of scenes that eventually lead to mutants on a farm.  In between, you get a mix of melodrama, random mutated animals/monsters and an exploding tomato.  Does that make a good movie?  That's up to you.

Next up, do you hate your hand?  Well, if your hand is turning into a snake, you would too.  Stay tuned...

Just Plain Cool Cover Art: Pacific Rim

It only seems fair to feature the real McCoy, since I featured The Asylum's knock-off twice.  While it's not really Foreign or goofy, I just happen to love this poster!

It's simple- yet effective.  I love the suit design.  I love the use of color.  I love that the title is written to look it is Japanese.

Great poster all around.  Damn good movie too.

Grapple Crap: Death From Above (2012)

You suck!  You suck!  Today's film is Death From Above, another film starring Philadelphia's own Kurt Angle.  As mentioned in previous review of his movie, Kurt left the WWE several years back for a lighter- and less well-paying- schedule and the chance to do new things.  Such new things have included Starring in End Game, River of Darkness and today's film, as well as minor roles in such films as Warrior and Dylan Dog: Dead of Night.  I hope you're still happy with this deal, Kurt.  So what's so special about this film?  Well, it was made fairly-recently, which means that it features many of his TNA iMPACT Wrestling comrades, as well as a few Genre Actors whose house payments must have come due.  I kid, I kid.  The story involves Druids in Pennsylvania that...wait, you're going to get stuck on that, aren't you?  I can't blame you.  There is NO logical explanation for this shit- it just happens.  Angle is the villain again- he turns Face/Heel more often than a Vince Russo character!- and the hero is...James Storm.  Yeah, a fellow TNA Wrestler is the Lead, although the DVD Box, Disc Art and Credits say otherwise.  Can he be stopped?  Can the film's 15 sub-plots get resolved?  To find out, read on...

The intro- in Sepia Tone for no reason- features some Druids that are hiding a quartet of necklaces (that look like Sand Dollars) from some force.  A P.O.V. creature attacks the lone straggler, thus setting up the title.

I say that since NOTHING ELSE in the film has anything to do with 'Death From Above.'

The story proper begins with Kurt Angle driving his truck- with his two 'friends' on-board down a steep hill.  They crash and Kurt stumbles across one of the necklaces, which he naturally puts on.  When his friends come over, he brandishes a pair of 'expensive for a Flea Market' knives and kills them.

Oh and he has red eyes now.  EVIL!

James Storm- the guy in the sort-of white- is a down-home boy who just wants to live his life.  He's bothered by his friend (former TNA Wrestler Matt Morgan) and the Sheriff (Tom Savini), who randomly picks on him twice, but quickly gives up.  Huh?

Oh and Morgan disappears after his next Scene, never to be seen again.  It's kind of like what happened to him in TNA, actually.

TNA Wrestler ODB (not to be confused with the dead Rapper) randomly appears as a Truck Stop Owner who meets a future victim and yells at a guy for 'whacking it' in her Store.  She likes to grab her boobs and yell 'Bam,' since that is her catchphrase.

No, this doesn't add anything to the movie.  I'm glad you asked.

Kurt's goal is to get all 4 Necklaces and unleash '1,000 Years of darkness upon the Earth.'  They state that this was the cause of the Black Plague and the Dark Ages.

Despite the necklaces apparently being a guard against evil magic (which Kurt mostly is by now), he easily kills the next holder of the necklace: Robert (that doesn't look healthy!) Z'Dar.  Life...has not been kind to you.  Sorry.

Storm has weird dreams about what is happening- an excuse to re-show scenes from earlier- and seeks a Psychic at his Uncle's advice.  The lady- who possesses a vague European accent- gets freaked out by what she sees and leaves.

Why is she here?  Well, she's Kurt Angle's wife (well, the one he has now!) and the mother of his latest child.  Is that still Nepotism?

The Police- who mostly just show up after the deaths have occurred- investigate a 'tablet' left at the original scene.  These two Duck Dynasty Doctoral Candidates say that it's Celtic Runes.  This is just an excuse to tell us what we already knew.

Well, that and to piss people off who can tell that the Runes are actually Nordic.  You expected historical accuracy from this film?

Since the film is so new- especially since it took a year or two to come to DVD-, I won't SPOIL the Ending completely.  It does come down to Angle vs. Storm though.

Will Storm stop him?  Will Angle win the day?  Will this mysterious Drifter (Psycho Sid Vicious) be the real hero?  To find out, watch the movie.

Holy shit- this is bad!  The movie is weird, random and just kind of meandering.  It's not so much a Plot as it is a series of events.  Some of said events are important, while others are not.  Kurt Angle kills people.  James Storm acts like a redneck.  At one point, Morgan and Storm dump two ladies in the mud, who immediately start to wrestle for no reason.  Do they think that women just do that?  The film is chock full of Wrestlers trying to be Actors, which certainly does not help the film's quality.  Besides those mentioned, the movie also features Rhyno (also a former TNA Wrestler) and at least one other as his buddy.  On top of that, the better Actors- like Savini and Z'dar- have either tiny parts, confusing parts or just don't feel all that important.  Savini's Sheriff is just confusing and is written out in a pretty lazy way, while Z'Dar's Concert Promoter (not named in the Credits) could have been played by anyone.  The whole thing is a real disappointment if you go in looking for a good Horror film.  If you're looking for silly, low-budget trash, it's a gold mine.  Bad Acting, a ridiculous plot and a shoe-string budget- priceless.  It's all cheap and trashy, kind of like this...

Up next, a pair of films about a Curse (or two).  Can an Internet Celebrity make this film one worth watching?  Stay tuned...

Mondo Does Mondo: Brutes and Savages

It's important to remember that this is all true.  Oh and it's not racist.  Today's film is Brutes and Savages, a film that just screams 'totally not judgmental.'  For the uninitiated, here's a quick summary of what Mondo Films are.  Starting with Mondo Cane, the genre came about.  Mondo Films are Documentaries...but from a skewed perspective.  Mondo Films are 'Message Films' (films that go out to prove a message, no matter what they actually find).  Mondo Films' messages are almost always 'look out how weird other people are- they don't act like us!'  Mondo Cane and (most of) the rest were about showing you other Cultures from an 'unfiltered perspective' and telling you 'the truth.'  So that's what this film is.  With a title like Brutes & Savages, you must know what to expect.  You will see 'weird cultures,' 'crazy rituals' and lots of Animals killed on-screen.  Yeah, the 1970s were a bit more lax about that thing- especially if you were Italian.  I will be very selective with my shots, so don't worry P.E.T.A.  To see if this lesser-known Mondo Film is worth a look, read on...

I have a question right off of the bat: who the hell is Arthur Davis?!?

Seriously, they advertise this like you should go 'Oh look- it's Arthur Davis!'  This is his only IMDB Credit, so...yeah.

This, however, is the most telling Shot of all.  Just read the last bit of text above the Copyright Information.  I'll wait.

So yeah, The Man in the Yellow Hat here is telling you that he's going to stage some (if not most) of the scenes.  Feel free to doubt anything you see here.

The first part of the film involves him 'finding' some 'Tribe' (who's name I'm sure that I can't spell) and watching their rituals.  They apparently love to paint their faces.  Is this guy the head of Anonymous' African Branch?

There's not much to talk about here.  The Tribe has a ritual involving a bunch of people fighting.

My question: where did the 'Natives' get the plastic tubing for this mask?

There's this guy.  I think that this speaks for itself really.

Oh and there's an hilariously-fake bit with a Crocodile.  More on that in the wrap-up.

Skipping past some Animal killing, some Animals killing each other and a half-hearted expose on people that grow Coca Leafs, we see people in Central America who run around and beat each other as part of some totally-real ceremony.

This guy is the winner...or loser, depending on how you look at things in the long-term.

After a random sub-plot about Arthur Davis getting the guy brain surgery (for his concussion...apparently)- which I'm sure was top-notch back then-, we get a guy showing us some pornographic sculptures.  No, really.

Will I ever run out of different things to censor?  I hope not!

The film ends in Central America with Llamas having sex.  There's more, but...can you really think about anything else right now?  I thought not.  The End.

Yeah, it's not good.  Let's not split hairs: this is a silly and fake movie.  If you skip the real scenes are Animals being killed (whether by 'Natives' or each other), it's all pretty harmless.  That's not counting the racism that it helped 'justify,' of course.  This is not Faces of Death.  Mondo Cane is kind of the same way.  Aside from certain parts (where they may or may not have killed that Turtle by flipping it), it is mostly 'look at how weird this is!'  I was expecting more graphic stuff.  The worst part (content-wise and ethically) is the bit near the End where they imply that the Tribe will actually have sex with the Llamas.  Implied (and mostly-staged) bestiality, folks!  Bear in mind, I've seen a film where a 'Native' appears to screw a Goat, so it's not the worst thing that I've seen.  Even so, Ew.  The counterpoint is the hilariously-bad scene where the men do a 'rite of passage' where they must cross a Crocodile-filled river.  Yeah, that is totally a thing.  When the man is attacked, you see an awkward mix of a puppet Crocodile kind of gnawing on a guy's hand in a muddy river and a real Crocodile...in a pool.  Yeah, it's silly as hell.  Whoever thought that this Scene was convincing really needs some glasses!  In summary, Brutes and Savages is a lot more tame (and boring) than you would think.  If you can skip/gloss over the Animal deaths, it is mostly a silly look at how life was before the Discovery Channel.  Take us away, awkward comparison shots...

Next up, a Kurt Angle movie that I bought from Blockbuster.  With a Cast of Wrestlers, you just know that it's going to turn out great!  Stay tuned...

Project Terrible: Monster

Welcome back to Project Terrible! Tonight's submission comes to me from Steve Miller, Writer of Stuff, and it's...

Hey, it's Cloverfie...oh. Oh. No. It's the Asylum's Monster.

Okay, let's get this out of the way. Monster is rather obviously the Asylum's answer to Cloverfield, which is basically a found-footage version of a Godzilla movie. Giant monster attacks, people run and scream, that sort of thing. The Asylum of course had to do their own version of the film, and evidently they got the Godzilla connection too, as they decided to do Cloverfield one better and set their film in Japan.

Here's a summar...no, you know what? Here's the entire plot of the movie. Two sisters, Erin and Sarah, go to Japan to film a documentary about global warming. While they conduct an interview, an earthquake occurs. They wander around for a while, discover it's actually a giant monster instead of an earthquake, and spend the rest of the film running and crying a lot. Then they die, which the film pretty much telegraphs from the get-go. The end.

There is nothing to this movie. It's about an hour and twenty minutes long and there is no plot beyond the above. The entire movie is two sisters running through Tokyo, pointing their camera mostly at each other, and crying about how they're scared. It's probably what would happen if you found a film shot by two girls in the middle of a monster attack, which is, of course, extremely boring. I don't have a lot to talk about here, so I'm just going to put a list of the comments I wrote down while watching the movie below and call it a review.

• I'm sorry...they went to Japan to film a documentary on global warming, and they start out the film with what's basically a vacation video of sorts...but they focus entirely on just random city streets? Not major landmarks? Not tourist spots? Thrill to fascinating shots of the Japanese businessman walking by looking stressed out!
• Also, some faces were blurred in the early parts of the film, but after a little while that totally stops. What's up with that?
• These two are documentary filmmakers...who have evidently never heard of a lavalier microphone. Or any microphone, for that matter. I don't mind if you're saying they're just hobbyists, but I'm fairly sure that hobby filmmakers who are willing to spend the money to go to Japan to make a film would at least try to make sure their audio was audible. "Just speak loudly." Yeah, no.
• Later, they're interviewing a diplomat and you can hear emergency sirens over all the speech. Wouldn't you stop for a moment and pick up afterwards? I mean, I'm pretty sure the diplomat would actually know that you do that. I'm pretty sure he'd want his answers to be heard, so he'd just pause and let the sirens pass, then pick up.
• Also, do ambulances and such sound the same in Japan as in America? Maybe they do, I guess.
• And another found footage movie where someone asks someone else "did you see something?" and they say they didn't, but no one checks the camera footage to see if the "something" was recorded.
• "Who knows what their culture thinks is acceptable?"
• I'm pretty sure that mentioning that you think you saw something in the middle of an explosion is acceptable just about anywhere, as long as you don't start making Godzilla jokes.
• Didn't you do any kind of research on Japan before deciding to go make a documentary there?
• "You're still filming this?" Yeah. Yeah, she is. Why is she still filming this? How many people have to yell at this jerk before she turns the camera off and stops filming traumatized people? See, that's the problem with found footage movies. The "heroes" have to be jerks who'll stand there filming anything no matter what happens or who tells them no.
• This guy they meet in the basement has no actual emotion in his voice. He is awful. He's just rattling off words.
• There's no consistency of character in this. First Erin doesn't want to film, to the point of shouting at Sarah to put the camera down. Then for no reason, she's okay with it and films Sarah's interview with the American guy they meet in the basement. Then, she's really gung-ho about it and calls back to Sarah to make sure she's filming when another "earthquake" hits. There's no transition here, it's just "no, don't film!" to "make sure you film!" without any reason for the change. And then, after the quake, she's back to "Are you seriously trying to film this?"
• Additionally, Sarah at first is really skeptical that Erin saw something in the middle of the fireball, but then she's the one that says she feels something moving under the floor and Erin seems skeptical. Pick a side!
• Why is she trying to do a dramatic circle shot? Why would you even think of something like that? Just point the camera at the wreckage! Your sister's horrified face is not the main attraction here!
• And the guy just kind of dies during a point where the camera cuts out. Sure would be nice to see any of the action, though I guess since he was filming we probably wouldn't have seen him die anyway.
• Why are they constantly filming themselves? If they're trying to film the story of the earthquake, shouldn't they be filming what's happening? Or finding people to interview? Or something other than constant shots of themselves?
• I don't want to compliment the other Asylum found footage movie I've watched too much, but at least The Amityville Haunting understood that the cameraperson should try to film the events going on, not just himself or people reacting to things going on. I'm going to guess that the reason Monster didn't do that is simply that it didn't have the budget to actually show a ruined Tokyo or many effects shots, so they kept filming one of the actresses looking like she saw something horrible rather than filming the something horrible that she supposedly saw. That's the point at which I would say "maybe we're aiming for too big an event here" and rescript the movie to be about something that I had the budget to actually show, myself.
• "Bombs didn't go off here, so where are the people?" Yes, because in the middle of a general terrorist attack where bombs have supposedly been going off all over the city, it would be surprising for government forces to evacuate civilians even from areas that hadn't been directly targeted...yet.
• Finally. Like 20 minutes of footage (who knows how long in actual story time) after they first argue about Erin seeing something in the midst of the fire, Erin suggests Sarah should look at the tape, and Sarah does. Finally. They did have tons of downtime before this point, but it's only now that she has that bright idea?
• And she films herself saying "I don't know what to say," and cuts. She literally stopped filming, took out the current tape, put the old tape in, watched the explosion on it, stopped the tape, took the tape out, put the current tape in, turned the camera at herself, started recording, and only then realized she had no idea what she was going to say, said so, and turned the tape off. Who would do that?
• One minor compliment--Sarah and Erin do a good job generally of looking at the person who's actually filming when conversing with them, rather than looking at the camera. That does help it seem more real.
• So at one point, Erin very intelligently proposes that they take the tapes they have so far, and lose the camera since it and the presumed additional tapes that no one is ever shown holding are preventing them from traveling light and might cause them trouble. Sarah says that they need to document this, and Erin just kind of gives up and says, "Okay, then we have to film everything. Even if one of us gets hurt, we need to film that." Why? Why not just film things that seem important?
• I really don't understand why there are so many film glitches in films like these. Do cameras really break up that much when people are running around or when there are explosions in the distance? I understand a little, but their camera is cutting out or getting all distorted all the time. It's really annoying.
• Okay, so there's a really brief shot of the monster's tendril in the distance, and then the camera just focuses on Sarah's face, while she cowers. You know, if you're really intent on capturing evidence of this stuff, you should point that camera at the monster! I mean, you can still cower and hide yourself, just point the camera in that general direction while you do it!
• Why does Erin keep asking Sarah what the Japanese people are saying as they run, when:
• Sarah speaks barely any Japanese, and
• It's very obvious that they're saying something along the lines of "run along with us, you stupid Americans! It's dangerous here!"
• It's sure nice to be watching a film where I can't hear like 75% of the dialogue because they wanted to be realistic and keep all the wind noise and stuff in. Not that the dialogue I can hear is good, mind.
• You've got your sister there to film for you, and she is in fact doing just that, so why would you make her hand you the camera so you can film yourself?
• Another minor compliment--the dialogue is horrid, but Erin and Sarah do a great job with expressing emotion. Considering that the film spends so much time staring at their faces, they actually are very good at staying in character constantly and showing subtle emotional shifts. They aren't just screaming and such--they show more subtle fear and worry and hope and care. The film stares at their faces too much, but at least they do a good job while it's doing so.
• You know what else is weird about this film? Whenever there's a cut, it goes to black for a really long time. I get that you're saying the tape cut out or something sometimes, but someone edited this, right? Couldn't the supposed editor have trimmed out the blank spots?
• "Mizuchi is dead water. It is a creature that comes out when the water is dead." No it isn't. It's either a water dragon, a water spirit of some kind, or another word for the kappa. I don't see anywhere in mythology that it is used as some kind of punishment for "killing water." If anything, it seems to be potentially bad whether the water is mistreated or not.
• There are a few genuinely good moments in this. I liked Erin's insistence on filming a a video goodbye--while it's something that's been done time and again in found footage films, it was a nice one as she just tells people who she was, what she liked, and that she's happy she's with her sister. It's a nice kind of "upbeat as possible in the face of the inevitable" moment. The bit where the sisters find the Japanese woman who gave them shelter, who is cradling her dying grandfather, is nicely done as well. It's a pretty powerful performance from the woman, who cradles the dying man and insists on staying with him out of grief. Another kind of interesting bit is when the girls run into a Tokyo news crew. They actually resist the urge to cut to footage from the camera crew, and it's kind of funny having the two groups filming each other and trying to get answers out of each other.
• It's irritating how they do the "talk louder and slower" thing frequently when talking to Japanese people. It's kind of that "people who don't know our language must be hard of hearing" thing that's really very offensive.
• Weird end credits sequence where they try to turn the whole thing into a lesson on global warming. Was the Asylum really trying to make a global warming horror movie here? It's like they saw Birdemic and thought, "Hey! That worked absolutely horribly for them! Let's do it too...but only in our intro and end credits, somehow making it even stupider!"
• Oddly, Sarah Lieving's name is "Sarah Lynch," like the character, in the credits. But Erin's name in the credits is her actual "Erin Sullivan," not "Erin Lynch." Did someone goof? 
• And there's a character named Mizuchi. Like the monster's name. Are they crediting the person who did the monster's roar, or did they accidentally name a character the same as the monster?

This was astoundingly dull. It wasn't among the worst films I've seen, but it was definitely among the most boring. While it isn't too bad in a technical sense short of some bad effects shots, it's just a poor idea for a film and badly executed at that. We never really see any of what's going on because the girls constantly film each other, which, as documentary filmmakers (even hobbyists), they should know is not the important part of what's going on. This utterly fails to remain true to its premise, and utterly fails to be an entertaining movie.

Well, that's really all I can say. For Al's benefit, because I know he loves her work so much, here's a special Sarah Lieving in Monster photo gallery to bring us to a close.

Buy the DVD!: Thirt13n Ghosts (2001)

Can a good DVD redeem a bad movie?

No, but this one sure gives it the old 'College Try.'  Let's skip the 'Here's Who William Castle Was' Bio and go right to '13 Ghosts' Revealed...

It takes you down a nice, long video (made up of footage from the film) and all of the way to...

 A Display Case full of 12 random objects.  They represent each one of the Ghosts (as the 13th is a plot point).  If you click on one of them, you get...

A video 'explaining' the background of each of the Ghosts.  They are the most interesting part of the film, so why not?

The Vignettes are weird, freaky and Edited strangely.  They are also pretty short, but kind of neat.

Hmm...maybe the people that put these together should have done the movie too (assuming for the sake of the joke that they were, in fact, different people).

Neat feature for a not-so-good movie.