Indy Phantom: Angel of Music

I see what you were going for, but you failed.  Today's film is Angel of Music, a strange attempt at ripping off a Dan Brown novel.  Worst of all: it reminds me of another bad, low-budget movie I watched recently.  That film: The Frankenstein Theory.  The premise is this: The Phantom of the Opera is real.  Not only that, but a Cult formed to keep the secret of the Phantom's love child.  Why?  How?  Who cares?  Apparently the film with through a number of big changes over the couple years it took to get made.  It was at one point going to be a Period Drama based on the Book.  I think that has already been made...several times.  They finally decided to make this 'Mystery' film, but even that was not the end.  Allegedly the final cut of the film was 83 minutes long at first.  According to IMDB, the film was 'too complicated for those who didn't read the book,' so they cut it down to 47 minutes.  That's right- 47 minutes.  Really sure of your work, huh?  Regardless of how long it is, the whole thing feels like someone's first attempt at making a film.  To see just how that goes, read on...

The film begins with a statement right away that you just have to either accept or not.  Here it is...

This guy is a Reporter attempting to prove this fact.  Why?  To get his wife to care about him again.

Seriously, just take her to Dinner or something!  Was this your best option?

He begins to search for the truth, going through a microfiche of blatant plot exposition.  It's just about as silly as the All-Exposition Website from The Black Dahlia.  This is what you've driven me to, movie- I'm referencing an Uli Lommel film!

Did I mention that they use terrible Green Screen Effects?  Oh yeah, this film was made in 2009 too.

As the investigation goes on, our hero gets a bit crazy and TOO invested in the tale.  He begins to even think that he IS The Phantom.  In a better film, I'd care.

Speaking of bad movies, this film also has a scene that reminds me of The Room.  They're actually outdoors, but you try not to think about it when you see this...

Eventually, we learn that the reason for his craziness is because he was dosed with some hallucinatory drugs by the Cult.  They don't stop him from finding out the truth- they just dick around with him.

I'm sorry, but how was this EVER kept a secret with people like you behind it.

In The End, the Cult just outright kills him.  Of course- the murder of an Investigative Journalist would draw no attention!  Throw in the murder of a blond lady and you definitely have something that nobody would DARE investigate.

Ooh, Sequel Bait?  No thanks.  The End.

This is a mystery best kept secret.  Look- I don't judge you for trying to make something new.  I just judge you fairly for making a bad movie.  Your movie looks cheap.  Your movie has a silly, badly-executed plot.  Your Green Screen Effects were very bad and distracting.  The biggest complaint: you didn't make me care.  Your movie was just not made/told in a way to make me interested in your characters or story.  I think that there is a good story that could be told about this.  While the whole idea of 'The Phantom of the Opera was real' is a bit silly. you could do something with it.  This, as I said, was not that movie.  It says something that even the head shot of your lead Actress is looking at you judgmentally...

Up next, a re-approach a crazy Japanese film from my collection in order to prepare for its sequel.  Zombies, Baseball and a Poison Bat called Poison Bat- oh my!  Stay tuned...

Poor Bastards of Cinema: No One Lives (Part 2)

Crime doesn't pay.  For that matter, neither does reporting.

In another Poor Bastards of Cinema for No One Lives, we see the Hotel Manager report Crazy Guy using The Driver's Credit Card to check into the same Hotel that he was in last night.  Granted- he doesn't know it.

Even so, what an amazing coincidence!

A Sheriff shows up to question the guy.  He looks like someone you can trust, right?

Sure enough- he has sinister motives.  That or his gun just wanted to say 'Hello.'  Do you want to say 'Hello,' Gun?

That is one mean 'Hello!'  Remind me to never greet you at a Party!

So yeah, he's pretty dead now.  Like really, really dead.

What did this accomplish?  I guess this film needed one more dead body.

Oh and never be a Cop in a movie.  Ever.  It never ends well.  Ever.

Less is Mora: Pterodactyl Woman from Beverly Hills

This is...just wow.  I mean, wow.  Today's film is Pterodactyl Woman From Beveryly Hills, a 1997 Film by Philippe Mora.  Remember him?  He has many weird, weird films.  He is the man who brought us Howling II (featuring Reb Brown and Sybil Danning's boobs), Howling III (featuring Were-Tasmanian Tigers), Communion (featuring Christopher Walken and anal-probing) and, most silly, Snide & Prejudice.  Remember that one?  That is the film in which a bunch of people- including Jeffrey Combs, Richard Moll and Angus MacFadyen- all share delusions that they are Nazis in WWII, so their 'Therapist' has them act out Hitler's rise to power and fall from grace.  Seriously- that's a movie!  This is the kind of person we're dealing with.  So what's this film about?  A Paleontologist offends an Indian, so he turns his wife into a Pterodactyl.  Don't you hate unoriginal plots?  In all seriousness, this starts out weird and only gets weirder.  Throw in silly effects, a Zappa and Meta jokes about said effects & you've got a giant bowl of crazy gumbo.  To see just how random and strange this gets, read on...

The film IMMEDIATELY begins with Stock Footage.  Despite the DVD being a Troma release, they resist the urge to just say that this takes place in Tromaville.  Thank God!

So yeah, this is footage I saw in Planet of the Dinosaurs.  Joy.

In the Present (of 1997), two Paleontologists run afoul of an Indian (who calls himself Salvador Dali, since...funny?).  He tells them that they're assholes and he curses them.

Well, actually, he curses one guy and curses the other's guy's wife.  He doesn't even know her, but whatever.

Sure enough, the lady goes throw some changes in Beverly Hills.  She's a super-sized version of the WASP cliche driven to the max.  Beverly D'Angelo is really infectious here, even when she is only allowed to just make silly noises and wave her arms.

In a cheap and silly effect, she is just now a full Pterodactyl and gets inexplicably-chased by a Stealth Bomber, which just happens to be flying around Beverly Hills.  Why?  How?

It doesn't matter, as this just sets up a Government Agent (Stephen McHattie) going after her.  She's never in full-form again.

Here's something odd: Aron Eisenberg plays the teenage-son of D'Angelo and the Husband.  The problem: the Actor is 28 years old, only appearing young and being short due to a medical issue.

Oh and I just keep running into the guy.  He was in House III, Amityville IV and Puppet Master III.  I don't even know you, so stop showing up in sequels!

Here's another quirk: Barry Humphries shows up in this film, making it his second Philippe Mora film (after Howling III) that I'm aware of.  He adds NOTHING to this film, so thanks for that.

The Husband takes the transformations very well and actually engages in some pseudo-inter-species whoopie.  To horribly paraphrase the Queen: I am not aroused.

They dump a ton of crazy exposition and sub-plots on you.  Here's a quick summary:
* A manipulative 'friend' turns out to be working for the Government.
* The Neighbors want the Dinosaur lady out.
* D'Angelo gets pregnant with a Dinosaur Egg.
* McHattie schemes to get the baby.
* The family goes to the Desert, leading to the return of Stock Footage.

After a lot of Stock Footage (which they Lamp Shade by saying it's a land of Bad Effects and Stock Footage) and a silly speech, the whole problem is resolved.  Your wife still gave birth to an Egg, but whatever.

Oh wait, the real ending is that it might have all been a dream.  Oh...okay.  The End.

I am really confused by this whole thing.  Seriously, I've watched some crazy shit.  I've seen a man time-travel to meet Mary Shelly and Dr. Frankenstein.  I've seen people interact with a ghost in an animatronic doll.  Hell, I've seen Surf Nazis Must Die!  Having said all that, the film is random, silly and has humor broader than the Atlantic Ocean!  There are sometimes jokes, sometimes sight gags and occasionally clever bits.  When all of that fails, they just have people run around and make noises.  Beverly D'Angelo is a Co-Producer on this film, so it makes her tendency to just act silly all the more strange.  The film's other Co-Producer/Star (Brion James) is usually like this, so I'm not surprised.  Usually in films where Actors are only performers, they tend to get thrown into roles like this.  The Director says 'jump' and they ask 'In what silly way?'  As a Co-Producer, it's certainly curious.  I don't fault her for having fun- I just find it odd.  Speaking of odd, everything else.  James plays 3 Roles (sort of) and just acts silly.  Philippe Mora himself even plays a part.  Was your Budget that low or did you just get bored working behind-the-scenes (a la Eric Bischoff in 1996)?  Regardless, this is a tricky recommendation.  If you like purely-silly Comedy and have an open mind, check this out.  I can't guarantee that you'll like it (I'm still not quite sure how I feel ATM), but you are the audience.  As for everyone else, well, you were never going to watch Pterodactyl Woman from Beverly Hills.  Isn't that right, Philippe Mora?

Up next, another Phantom of the Opera film, albeit with a weird twist.  Every Netflix review is 1 Star, so it should be a classic!  Stay tuned...

Little Richard: The Box

Sorry, Richard.  I have nothing against Richard Kelly, but, well, he seems to be a one-film wonder.  That one film is, obviously, Donnie Darko.  What has followed that film has been, well, not good.  It took years to get his next 'magnum opus' made.  That film: Southland Tales.  It was supposedly designed as a 9-Part tale involving 6 comics and three films.  Pretty big, huh?  He got 2 comics and one film.  Not so big, it seems.  More importantly, the final product released didn't do well, leading to some serious confidence issues with the studio.  What happened next?  Well, much like M. Night Shyamalan, he was given a 'safe' project.  In M. Night's case, it was The Last Airbender.  In Kelly's case, it was an adaptation of a story called 'Button, Button' by the late Richard Matheson.  Sorry, Mr. Matheson.  In the same year, we also get S. Darko, an embarrassing 'sequel' with only one returning Cast Member.  Could this be worse?  Well, it's not good.  It has some good elements and probably is a good story.  If you could take the good parts on their own, it would be an easy recommendation.  As it is, it's got a lot of problems.  To see some of them, read on...

A mysterious man drops a box off at a house owned by 'Cyclops' and one of 'Charlie's Angels.'  The box is a casing for a button that may/may not do something weird.

Just to note: The Box is an odd title for this film.  Why not The Button?  Is it any more silly than The Box?

Cameron Diaz is a Teacher with a messed-up foot, while James Marsden in a NASA Scientist who fails to qualify as an Astronaut.  It's here we see one of the film's problems...

The reveal of Diaz's foot would have more impact if we actually knew her, as opposed to having it occur in the first ten minutes.  With as much time as they dick around in the Second Act, they had to rush this part?

The box's owner (Frank Langella) arrives on cue.  Him and his partial-face explain that if they push the button, someone they don't know will die and they will get $1 Million (do your own Dr. Evil voice as you read this).

Will they push the button?  Will they not push the button?  They do.

I suppose that this is a Spoiler, but would there really be a movie if they didn't?

It's here that things fall apart.

You see, not content to just make the film a 'Morality Play' and have them live with the possible consequences of their 'greed,' the film turns into a bizarre, conspiracy tale.  This...is what you wanted your movie to be?  Look- you're hurting Brita!

So yeah, it's a tale of conspiracies and tests for humanity.  This is all so...ugh.

Save me from this pretentious bullshit, Santa!  It's only September, but get off your ass...please.

Government conspiracies!  NSA misdeeds!  People meeting at night in front of Warehouses!

This is what you get from The Box.  Were you expecting a character study in Greed vs. Morality?  Screw that noise!

I won't SPOIL the Ending, but I will say that it's similar enough to the 1980's Twilight Zone version, only over-complicated and silly like Kelly seems to do to everything.

Seriously, read Matheson's original story (or at least a summary).  THAT is a good Twist Ending.  This...has many problems.  The End.

Everything about this shows what could have been.  Seriously, how hard is this?  Just for comparison: the 1980's Version of the tale.  Done in the 1-Hour Format, the Episode runs around 44 minutes long.  The WHOLE thing is built around the Button and whether or not to press it.  Aside from the changed Ending (which this one uses somewhat anyhow), that's how you do it!  Instead, Matheson constructed an elaborate and silly reasoning for the Button itself.  This ruins what the focus of the story should be entirely.  On top of that, it's full of either holes or just plain confusing things.  You get Water Doors, mysteriously-caused ailments and all sorts of convenient things.  So much of this is not based on chance and what choices you make- it's rigged in favor of the house.  Other than literally forcing you to push the Button, the people/forces behind it just plain cheat.  The whole thing is just rigged in their favor and it really takes a bite out of the 'moral choices' behind the whole thing.  Speaking of bad things, did we need a sub-plot involving Diaz's foot and a mold being made for it.  Furthermore, did her disfigurement add anything to the story?  Hell, did Langella's?  In summary, there's a great story- Button, Button- buried in this convoluted mess.  Even a replacement Donnie Darko couldn't help this one.

Next up, a quirky film that's been sitting on my shelf for two weeks.  Will this Troma release by Philippe Mora be worth it?  Stay tuned...

Working Class Zero: Bates Motel (1987)

Why work when I can watch shit like this?  Today's film is Bates Motel, a movie that I'm viewing for very silly reasons. 

 

For one, I watched *part* of a long time ago, so I was kind of curious how it turned out.  

Another thing is that since watching it, I've seen (and now own) all of the Sequels to Psycho.  

Lastly, both Maynard and Bob have now reviewed it.  I can't let them hold that over my head.  

So what is Bates Motel?  Well, here's the simplest version: it's a TV Pilot turned Movie that has basically been written out of Continuity.  

Basically, Anthony Perkins came back to the Series for Psycho II and actually Directed Psycho III. 

Unfortunately, that film was a financial disaster for the Studio, so they decided to go a different direction.  

Seeing it as a cheaper alternative, they decided to try and make a TV Show.  

Since Anthony Perkins was a no-go, they made one without him.  

Unfortunately, the Pilot didn't sell and they just aired it as a Movie.  When that did badly, they decided to make a TV Movie...which sucked.  

Things get even more complicated as Joseph Stefano- the Writer of the original Psycho- wrote the final Film and chose to ignore the continuity of the last two films.  

Bear in mind, he also wrote Snowbeast.  

In summary, nobody was ever sure what counted- for example, the whole 'I'm your real Mother' thing was gone from Psycho IV- and what didn't.  

So yeah, this film has no real DVD release and the only source appears to be a worn-out VHS copy.  Given the quality of the actual film, this feels oddly appropriate.  To see how the original story to use this title is, read on...

Some vague time in the '60s, this kid goes to an Asylum for killing his Step-Dad.  His Psychiatrist (Robert Picardo?!?) pairs him up with Norman Bates, since they're both comatose family killers.  

Sure- makes sense.  Right, Bob?

Oh and this beginning is in B&W to make it be arty or some shit.  Joy.

The kid grows up to be an odd-looking adult (sorry, Bud Cort) and ends up inheriting the Bates Motel from a dead Norman.  I have a number of questions...

* Is he fit to inherit land?  Would that hold up in Court?
* How does Norman Bates still 'own' the Motel?
* Given all of the murders, how come there even is a Bates Motel?
* Lastly, who the hell is this guy with Cort- he's not Perkins!

Now released as an Adult, Cort's character goes to the oddly-maintained Motel.  

This film seems to ignore Psycho II and III (since he is said to have been locked up for decades), implying that nobody has run/been in the place for 27 years!

Oh crap- another Actor I like is in this!  

It's Gregg Henry, most well-known from his role in Mel Gibson's Payback.  

After seeing this on Resume, I wonder who he got his own payback against?!?

Now settled in, Cort discovers a curious guest in his new Motel.  It's not the Cluckin Chicken- It's Lori Petty in a Mascot's outfit.

While some may not like her, I think she provides a nice contrast to Cort, who plays his role super low-key (which is the idea).

So Cort and Petty go about fixing up the Motel to bring in new guests (and set up the series).

Speaking of a Series, this film likes to contradict more aspect of the Psycho Series by having the Mother's skeleton be discovered in the ground.  

Oh and Dad's is there too, but that whole situation is too confusing to even address here.

Now here's where things get weird.  

Since this is a Pilot for a show, they finally decide to do the Episode's plot...about 50 minutes in.

Basically, this depressed lady is invited to a party full of ghosts.  They were all people that committed suicide.  Freakier than the sudden ghosts is the appearance Jason Bateman!

Once the other story ends, we have to wrap-up the 'Motel paying off their loan' Plot that suddenly appeared right before the 'Suddenly Ghosts' Story.

We basically get a cross of Scream (which would come out 8 years later) and Scooby-Doo.  

I was half-expecting Henry to say that he would have gotten away with it if it wasn't for you meddling kids! He almost does.

With a business negotiation done with the threat of blackmail, all is well at the Motel.  They've had ONE guest for ONE night, but whatever.

The film ends properly with Cort inviting us to stay at the Bates Motel.  

Considering it's a back-drop in Universal Studios: Orlando, I'm going to pass.  The End.

This is one Motel that I will gladly drive by.  I probably don't hate this much as a lot of people do.  In all honesty, I was just not that interested.  It took me a while to watch this movie.  I downloaded it a few days ago, but really couldn't watch it in one sitting.  Granted- I am very easily-distracted at times, but I could power through something if it was interesting.  

The worst thing you can say here is that this leaves very little of an impression.  I haven't even gone two hours since watching the film and it is already fading.  I could probably accept this more if there was even a little bit of show to, well, show for it.  If there was even a paltry 6-Episode run behind it, stuff like the silly ending would make sense.  

After all, it would presumably be his send-off.  

As a film, it's a weird mess.  

As a Pilot, it had a minor bit of promise.  

While it wouldn't have been a good show, I kind of wish it had been given a shot.  After all, the new Bates Motel didn't even need to make a Pilot- it was just bought as a 10-Episode series right off the bat.  

Clearly you should have been in The Golden Compass instead of Harold & Maude, Bud.  On the plus side, I got to see pointlessly-B&W Robert Picardo for a few minutes...

Next up, I cover the only Richard Kelly film I could do.  I just have one question: what's in The Box?!?!?!?  Stay tuned...

Unintentionally-Hilarious Cover Art: Orca

I didn't go looking for this one, but, dammit, I'm going to use it.

Let's be clear: I hate Orca.  It's awful.  That said, the VHS Box Art makes me laugh!

Okay, you just made your monster look like an evil puppet!  All I can think of this.

On the plus side, you've continued your legacy of being a Jaws rip-off.  Sorry, Dino.

Raw is Murder: No One Lives

No One squeamish should watch this.  Today's film is No One Lives, a recent Theatrical/DTV Release from WWE Films.  It's both, since they did the 'let's release it in 5 Theaters, just so we can say we did' thing that's all the rage.  That allows you to release 'Unrated' Cuts that 'You Didn't See in Theaters.'  Check the Box Office Revenue for Films released this way and you realize that MOST people didn't see them in Theaters.  Not to sound so negative about the film from the get-go, but that trend is just silly.  Why should you care about this film?  Well, like most of the recent WWE Films, it features a good Director who hasn't gotten to do much in the public eye.  Dead Man Down (good film) is by Neils Arden Oplev, the man behind the Swedish version of The Girl With the Dragon Tattoo.  The Call, surprisingly enough, was Directed by Brad Anderson, the man who made Session 9 and The Machinist.  This film is no execption, as it was by Ryuhei Kitamura, the man who made Versus and Sky High.  I'm skipping over their other release- The Marine: Homefront (which was alright)- since it's Director made The Condemned, which is only so-so IMHO.  This film features the mysterious Driver, a group of petty criminals and lots of blood.  I mean, LOTS of blood.  I wouldn't dare SPOIL the major twists and turns of this story, so I'll be a bit vague here.  To find out a bit about this recent, bloody release, read on...

The mysterious lady runs for her life in possibly mid-day, dusk or early morning.  Not to nit-pick, but can you tell what time of day this is?

Our protagonist (Luke Evans) plays the never-named Driver.  He's on a trip with his girlfriend, who's conflicted about something.  What is it?  I won't tell.

They run afoul of some thugs who are convinced that they have some money.  Let's just say that it doesn't go well for one of them.  Oh and Brodus Clay meets a rough end.

It's awkward to see him here, as he was a vicious Heel when this was filmed, but has since become a laughing and dancing Face.  Hmm...

This guy is the 'Crazy' member of the group and the first to uncover the secret of the Driver.  What it is will not be SPOILED here.  However, just to warn you, the DVD/Blu-Ray sleeve is not nearly so nice about it.

Hey look- it's that girl from Silent Hill: Revelation.  Her Acting Range is still mostly 'Silently-Brood' and 'Mope Sadly.'  Joy.

Who is this being held above a vicious machine?  Who's the man behind it?  Those are two questions that you'll have to find out for yourself.

This movie is REALLY bloody.  Like 'getting chopped into 1,000 pieces' bloody.  Like 'having a man hide inside of a giant's body' bloody.  Like 'Holy crap- I'm out of blood!' bloody.

Will our heroine survive?  Will the Crazy Guy get what's coming to him?  Will the body count stay in the double-digits?  To find out, watch the movie.  The End.

This movie is bloody good.  It's also very, very bloody.  You may think that I'm harping on that, but it's totally-appropriate.  The film is bloody that they even have blood in a scene where someone is choked to death.  Seriously, this lady (see below) has her eyes turn red as she is about to die from being choked out!  As for the actual story, I liked it.  Without saying too much, it has some nice twists and turns to it.  It's mostly straight-forward, but they do throw in some 'arty' touches that I could give or take.  I get why they are there, but they are not necessarily required for the film to work.  A good portion of the film is done with Practical Effects, which is something I definitely approve of.  If you like films about this kind of stuff, it comes with a strong recommendation.  If you aren't a fan of blood and gore, you won't really like this one.  If you still need some incentives, here's a combination of both boobs AND murder...

To celebrate Labor Day, I'm going to watch something that I have no reason to watch.  Screw it- I'm watching Bates Motel!  Stay tuned...