Fred Olen Ray J: Silent Venom

In a submarine, nobody can hear you yawn.  Today's film is Silent Venom, another recent Fred Olen Ray film.  I like to mix up the old and new- it's my thing.  A short summary: it's Snakes on a Submarine.  This film was made after the Samuel L. Jackson film, so I can't help but make the connection.  It's still not Snakes on A Train though!  The film stars former Porn Actress-turned-Star-turned-Direct-to-Video star Krista Allen and Luke Perry.  Bringing out the real star power, Mr. Olen Ray!  In all seriousness, Allen has been in some good work- then she stopped dating George Clooney.  The film is pretty silly and suffers from a major case of Miscasting Syndrome.  Oh and the story is stupid as hell too.  To see why the film teases one thing and delivers another, read on...

Allen is a Herpetologist working on an Island near China.  She and her comrade are experimenting with Venom to get a cure for Nerve Gas.  Of course, that makes sense.

Two random helpers are killed when they run around like idiots and run into...this crappy CG effect.

By the way, this is never seen again.  Seriously, 20-foot giant snake = gone forever.

Our pair are called away, since the Chinese Navy will be near.  Seconds after dissuading her partner to not take more snakes to sell on the Black Market, she leaves HIM to put the snakes away.

I thought Scientists were smart, not dumb as shit!

Miscasting #2 comes in the form of Luke Perry as a grizzled, twenty-year Veteran of the Navy.  Yeah, you and Taylor Kitsch!

Anyhow, he's sent off on one last mission to pick up the scientists and take them back to a Japanese Naval Base.  Dun dun dun!

Naturally, Jerky McDoucheBag brings ALL 24 killer snakes on board, instead of just 4.  Of course, he doesn't let them loose.  Instead, some random Naval Officer opens the container.

In summary, it's 50% his fault.  I'm just saying.

Naturally, the Assistant freaks out when random Naval Officers start dying.  Oh and he also brought two semi-giant snakes on board too.  You should probably check on those.

To the film's credit, there's a good amount of real snakes on screen and Actors interacting with them (although I'm 99% sure that they were de-fanged)...

...but they also use shitty CG for the two larger snakes.  Yeah, it's that kind of movie.

The snakes are taken care of and everything is worked out.  Oddly, the romantic sub-plot between Perry and Allen just kind of dies.  Oh and there's your sequel-bait.  The End.

Snakes- scary, right?  To be fair, this is an interesting enough premise.  It's not like this kind of concept hasn't been done before.  Sometimes it's even good!  Hell, there's even a film about scorpions on a Submarine!  It would have been better if it was The Scorpions on a Submarine, but I digress.  The film has decent moments to it, but nothing ever stands out.  The snakes plot was apparently not good enough, as they try to pad it out with a 'There are Submarines' chasing them plot.  Considering that all of the Submarine footage is Stock Footage, there's no drama.  As I mentioned, the biggest problem is the blatant miscasting.  Perry is not a bad Actor, but he can't play this part.  To be fair, he didn't seem to be trying all that hard either.  As for Allen, she's not a bad Actress per se, but the only less-reputable movie scientist is Christmas Jones!  The whole thing just seems cheap and does little to make you care.  This is the epitome of a generic Direct-to-Video film.  Hell, even their blatant Stock Footage isn't that interesting...

Next up, a 1987 film that is both Directed and not Directed by Ray.  It will make a little more sense- honest!  Stay tuned...

Mondo Bizarro Reviews Anime: Sekirei

Boobs.

Sorry, just had to get that out of the way.  The next Anime show that I'm going to be reviewing is Sekirei.

How does one describe the show?  It's the epitome of a number of Anime conventions.  You have the big-boobed temptress cliche.  You have the women with superpowers cliche (in full force).  You have a number of other cliches including *sigh* this one...

Yeah, that one.  Here's the gist of the show for you...

* A city in Japan is controlled by this generically-evil Anime man.
* He unleashes the Sekirei Plan.  This involves unleashing 108 mutant ladies to fight each other.
* Each Sekirei must bond to their mate (or Ashikabi) & unleash their full potential.

Naturally, being an Anime, our hero gets four of them.  Yes, it's a Harem Anime too...just with no implied sex.

- Musubi is the lead girl (#3 girl in the above shot).  She's feisty and fights hand to hand.
- Kusano (#2) is a tiny girl.  She's usually crying/wearing costumes and makes giant plants grow.
- Matsu (#4) is a horny bitch in glasses.  She's a hacker...which is apparently a power.
- Tsukiumi (#1) talks and acts like a female Thor.  She has water powers.

Of course, this show has about 600 sub-plots running at any point and time.  Pacing is the big issue, as the show only has twelve episodes.  By Episode 6, Minato- our lead- has all of his Sekirei.  Great- the show's half-over now!  Speaking of pacing, they finally explain what Sekirei are and how they came to be...in Episodes 8 and 9.  No hurry, guys!

As a whole, the show is good.  It kept a good enough pace to make me- a non-Anime watcher- stay interested.  My biggest problem is the scale-to-pacing ratio.  12 Episodes to set up a battle between 108 super-powered women, plus a romance plot, six other sub-plots of interest, three different villains (with their own motivations) and a plot involving two people escaping the city (which fills up the last four).  Yeah, that works out well, right?

To be fair, there is a second series and two OVAs.  Here's the thing: Netflix doesn't carry them.  Maybe they will eventually, but they don't right now.  Until then, I'm left with one season, a lot of empty promises and, well, boobs.

Next up, I'll watch something that Bob wants me to.  I won't tell him (or you) what that is...but it will be something.  Stay tuned...

Fred Olen Ray J: Hybrid (1997)

Feel free to hate me for this one.  Today's film is Hybrid, a film that I know mostly by reputation.  I know that it has a shower scene in it and that Ray Directed it.  Beyond that, I know nothing.  So what is the film about?  Well, I guess the Earth is kind of shitty and a bunch of people go to an Army base.  Faster than you can say 'Seriously, that's the best you could do?', a monster of some sort attacks them.  I feel like I've reviewed this film about 50 times.  If I just stuck to reviewing the film, it would be kind of one note.  Fortunately, the movie made my job easier.  This is perhaps the most insulting way to open a film that I've ever seen.  If you want to know more, read on...

This shot of Earth is very Stock.  I think it's from Planet of the Dinosaurs, but I can't confirm that.  That's just the beginning though...

After this, some random shots of space ships from Galaxy of Terror seem to attack...well, stock footage of Los Angeles.

Is it the flying footage from Nick Knight?  Maybe.

Here's something interesting.  The alien from Star Hunter randomly shows up.

Seriously, there's no context.  They just throw him in there (since Roger Corman Produced it)!

Seriously, these shots from Forbidden World (which I think was actually Stock Footage from Battle Beyond The Stars to begin with) are just randomly-inserted.  How is this a narrative at all?

Hey look- Earthquake footage.  Corman didn't own that, but I guess that he just didn't give a shit.

Seriously, you just cut to the robot from Forbidden World now!  You can't just do that.  

How do they wrap it all up, you ask?  Well, it goes a little something like this...

To make a long story short, this has no narration and thus no connection to any sort of narrative.  It's just two minutes of random crap.  The End.

*****

I should probably review the actual film, huh?  Honestly, there's not much to say.  Hybrid is a dull, by-the-numbers Sci-Fi/Horror film about a killer monster in a scientific facility.  It couldn't be more stock if it was a Gamera film!  There's really not much to say.  Here's one thing I can say to sum up the film's serious issues though.  They hired a Porn Actress named Nikki Fritz to play a small part.  Basically, she shows up in the beginning, fires a gun (one of two in the film's budget) and dies.  Later on, the two female leads indulge in a bit of (R-Rated) shower play.  So, to summarize, they hired a Porn Actress and put her in an action scene.  They hired regular Actresses to do nudity.  Just try to wrap your head around that!  Hybrid is not an interesting film, but it does have amazingly-cheap opening credits.  That and this sardonic teaser for a sequel...

Next up, I'll actually review the film.  It's all about Snakes...on a Submarine.  Stay tuned...

Fred Olen Ray-J: Turbulent Skies

Fred Olen Ray- Filmmaker.  You were expecting something sort of compliment there, right?  You must not know Ray then.  Fred is the kind of filmmaker that makes movies that you pay $3 for in CostCo.  Yeah, he's that kind of guy.  Today's film is Turbulent Skies, one of his more-recent efforts.  I saw the trailer for this film on another DVD months ago, but I hadn't seen it until recently.  That should really say something, right?  The film is a throwback to the 1970's Disaster films like Airport and The Concorde: Airport '79.  This film is not tongue in cheek however- it's totally serious.  There's one key difference between those films and this one...which I'll get into in the review.  I will mention that this has some good C-List talent on board.  Casper Van Dien is the lead, flanked by Brad Dourif.  Yeah, I guess Malcolm McDowell was busy.  The plot is essentially Stealth, but with none of the Action and about an Airliner instead of a Jet.  I guess that Ray couldn't afford the Black Thunder footage, so he improvised.  To find out what goes right and wrong in this odd film, read on...

The film begins charmingly with a plane crash.  The whole point is to set up the idea that Pilots make mistakes.  Get it?  Got it?  Good.

A multi-national company announces a super computer that can fly a plane.  Suck it, Google!

Oh and they plan to test this on a commercial flight.  Yeah, that wouldn't happen.  EVER.

The man behind the company is Brad Dourif.  My joke about Malcolm McDowell is appropriate, given that he's in the exact same role that Malcolm played in The Void.

Just like Malcolm, I'm legitimately surprised when he interacts with the Cast.  I'm 0 and 2 on that front.

I joked about him not buying the Black Thunder footage, but that doesn't mean that there's not still Stock Footage!

The computer running the plane- complete with random people and Van Dien's wife/lost love- acts up because...um, a virus.

Yeah, here's the problem: there's no villain.  No hacker.  No evil billionaire.  No terrorists.  Nothing.

 In place of that, random chance.  Take, for example, this scene in which a Co-Pilot tries to re-program the computer.  What stops him?  A random bolt of lighting, of course!

Maybe Thunderstorm wanted revenge!

Maybe the Black Thunder footage is in this film after all.  Get on this, IMDB!

Ripping plot points right out of Executive Decision, Van Dien- who's the only man who can fix...a computer- gets on board the plane via the refueling device.  No, really.

 With no actual enemies, he subdues the computer and manages to land the plane.  Oh and his wife- a rather homely Erika Eleniak- get back together.  The End.

So that was a movie.  Honestly, there's not much to say here.  It's a tongue-in-cheek premise...played seriously.  That can still be funny...but this isn't.  None of the Actors play it up for humor...nor are they good enough to really pull off the drama.  It basically ends up as a dull non-Thriller.  Seriously, where's the conflict?  The Airport films has Terrorists/Bombers in them.  The Turbulence films had a villain, some terrorist group and evil Satanists (respectively).  Hell, even 2001: A Space Odyssey has HAL acting 'evil.'  This film has the computer malfunctioning...just because.  I was expecting an explanation for this to set up some sort of evil hacker or a rival company.  There is none.  It's just 'Will he save the plane from this random chance accident?'  Of course, he will.  The only interesting thing here is the existence of this kid's Ultraman comic.  I want that!

Next up, I decided to review a film without actually reviewing...the film.  It will make sense- trust me.  Stay tuned...

Shape-Fu: Halloween 4- The Return of Michael Myers

I'm already doing the series backwards, so why not do one AFTER Halloween too?  Today's film is Halloween 4: The Return of Michael Myers.  This one was a turning point for the series, as fans demanded the Michael not be ousted for evil Druids that make robots.  Oh and for all of the people that still act like Halloween III's title wasn't bait and switch, I present you with this.  It list Akkad as a Producer (even though he's officially un-credited) for starters.  Anyhow, this film is basically the equivalent of Friday the 13th: Part VI- Jason Lives, which was actually made two years earlier.  It is curious to note that there's a 6 year gap between franchise returns for Halloween (after Witch), while there's only a 1 year gap for Friday the 13th (after A New Beginning).  So what happens in this film?  Well, as the title says, Myers returns to Haddonfield after a long nap to reconnect with his family.  Well, with the family that agreed to return to do another sequel.  Well, okay, it's the family that was invented for this movie since his 'actual' family wouldn't come back for a sequel.  Look- take what you can get!  This is the film debut of Danielle Harris, who would go on to appear in three more Halloween films, even if the latter two were the shit Ro Zombie ones.  Halloween II put the franchise in kind of awkward spot sequel-wise, so let's see where they go with this one...

Ten years have passed since the Haddonfield Horror.  On Halloween Eve, a group of people go to a nearby Sanitarium to pick up a patient...

...burn victim Michael Meyers.  Why they would transport him on this day is anyone's guess.

In addition, they feel safe, since he's been 'in a coma' for years.  Yeah, he did that in the first movie- why would you fall for it again?!?

Faster than you can say 'How can a thumb press through a man's skull,' Myers 'wakes up' and escapes...after some convenient exposition.  Thanks, corpses...I mean, EMTs.

You know that moment when you realize that the original star is not going to appear?  When a picture of Jamie Lee Curtis (who's said to be dead and had a kid) shows up, you know.

Myers comes home to find his niece- Harris- who is the last living relative in the area.  This neat shot of him stalking her is a fake out, of course, but does come later.

Loomis survived the point-blank explosion with a fairly-noticeable scar, while Myers is fully-wrapped in gauze.  How that worked is anyone's guess.

He makes a noble attempt to stop The Shape in this one, even escaping an exploding Gas Station and surviving a throw through a glass window.

The best part of the movie: a long stretch where everyone's in the dark and you don't know where Myers is. When he does resurface, the Slasher Film Cheats resume- including the Jason Teleport.

It's nice to have the respite though.

In The End, Myers puts up a strong fight, but gets shot by a bunch of Cops.  I like how half of them miss, by the way.  Aim for that big, black Shape!

However, the film truly ends with our heroine going all 'Michael' and stabbing her mom.  The nightmare has become reality...and will be kind of ignored in Part 5.  The End.

Honestly, it's the best of the post-Carpenter films.  Let's be clear: John Carpenter all but gave the franchise over to Dino De Laurentiis and Moustapha Akkad after Season of the Witch.  That said, this movie keeps the spirit of the original two films, while upping the ante.  Plus, it has the Sheriff lady from House of the Dead in it.  She's so bad-ass that she survived having her legs torn off and her body being blown up and appears in the sequel!  Where was I?  Oh right.  There are some major cheats in this movie, but consider it the 'growing pains' of taking the Franchise in a new Direction.  Granted, this series has gone in a new direction once and would continue to do so at least two more times, Remake not withstanding.  I like this movie though.  If you can get past the story jumps that it makes, it's not bad.  The Franchise has a mixed view in many people's eyes, many of whom think that anything after the first film is utter shit.  That's not entirely true, obviously.  If you liked the original two films (sorry, robots), give this one a chance.  If you have seen it before, give it another chance.  It's the closest that the sequels got to making a real Thriller instead of just 'The Shape stabs horny teenagers.'  Oh and let it be said- 11 year-old Danielle Harris makes a more compelling lead than 26 year-old Paul (Stephen) Rudd.  Sorry to be an ass like that...

Next up, a week of Fred Olen Ray 'classics.'  First up, Ray's *serious* version of Airplane II- no joke.  Stay tuned...

Poor Bastards of Cinema: Halloween II

I'm on a roll here, so let's go with it!

In Halloween 2, Dr. Loomis and the Sheriff are looking for Michael Meyers.  This guy sure looks like him...

He sure doesn't seem to be unaware of everything.  Hmm...

Hey look- oncoming traffic!

Fun Fact: the guy driving this car is Dick Warlock, who also plays Michael Meyers in this film.  He he- Dick Warlock.

The car hits 'Michael' and runs into a News Van.  Where the hell that parked Van came from (in the middle of the road) is anyone's guess.

Did 'Michael' survive?

Yeah, I'm going to go ahead and say 'No' to that.

As it turns out, this is not Michael.  It's actually a drunk guy (who was apparently in the first film) who is wearing a Michael outfit...for some reason.

Seriously, is there a reason for him to be wearing that outfit?  Is it a plot point from the first film that's not explained in this one.

Long story short: he burns to death, in ironic foreshadowing to how Michael 'dies' in this film.  This guy- he dies a horrible death because he was drunk and wearing an outfit.  Yea.

Next up, random people are killed in the war between Seagal and...some crazy guy.  It's all your fault!  Stay tuned...

Mondo Trivia: Halloween 2 (1981)

I decided to watch *the original* Halloween 2 in order to cleanse my pallet from Rob Zombie's Halloween II.  It's only during the credits that I noticed this...

Yeah, he's in this movie.  It's apparently his screen debut to boot!

Yes, he's in a film scarier than The Master of Disguise!

Here's him in a slightly-harder part to see...

He does the exact same thing in the exact same outfit...but from a different direction.  That, my friends, is real acting!