Lock Me Up!: 100 Million B.C.

Sorry, no Cavemen or Raquel Welch here.  Today's film is 100 Million B.C., an Asylum film that raises a good question: can their version be better?  It's kind of hard to say, since both movies suck.  This one is at least rooted in Sci-Fi elements, allowing you to excuse some thing.  Roland Emmerich's 10,000 B.C., however, is a film that has as much historical accuracy as Bloodrayne: The Third Reich.  I won't go into great detail about the numerous historical issues with that movie, especially since Film Brain already did.  Let's, instead, talk about The Asylum's film, which is mostly-based on A Sound of Thunder.  Yes, it's based on one movie, while aping the title of another.  Only in The Asylum, folks!  The plot mixes real history- The Philadelphia Project- with silly sci-fi stuff- time-travel and Dinosaurs in modern-day.  The plot is nothing to write home about really, save for Michael Gross.  I should note that Greg Evigan is here, playing yet another character who sends military personnel off on a mission that endangers them all (see Journey to the Center of the Earth 2-D).  Nice guy!  This plot is super-goofy, especially as it goes into the Third Act.  To find out just how silly it is, read on...

In the opening scene, two rock-climbers stumble across a cave with writing in it (not shown) and a T-Rex skull.  This *kind of* matches up to what we see later, but just barely.

A bunch of Marines are sent on a mission to track down some people who were lost back in time in the '40s.  They were sent by a young Gross, so he's decided that he should go with them.  Sure- bring along the old scientist...to the land of Dinosaurs!

If this Warehouse set looks familiar, it would be because I'm fairly sure that it was used in Journey as well.  Did Greg Evigan ever leave the set or did he just move in?  Nice cheap plastic on your TIME MACHINE, by the way.

Hey look- the black guy dies first.  Yeah, that Trope continues on here.  Thanks, Asylum!

Oh God- who approved this shitty CG?!?  Put in textures, you stupid, stupid people!!!

The group stumble across some natives...who are obviously the people sent back in time before.  Oh and the guy that Gross came to save was already dead.  Plot point = dead!

They make it back to modern day, but Gross leaves the gate open long enough for the oddly-red T-Rex to come through too.  Your noble sacrifice just got a bunch of people killed.  You fail as a hero, Burt!

How does the movie get goofier?  Well, Gross' character $%@!s over time some more by going to Present Day as his younger self.  I won't bother to give you the film's explanation, since I'd rather not have Gran Mal Seizure, thank you.

After a lot of light jogging and silly CG, they trick the T-Rex into going into the portal, fusing it into the rock and tying the plot together.  Depending on your view of theoretical time-travel, this is either clever or bullshit!

Oh and our heroes undo their being trapped in time, screwing up the time-space continuum so that they can have sex at home and so that one guy's son is not going to be a jerk.  The End.

Can Ashton Kutcher go back in time to stop me from watching this movie?  I'm being a bit harsh to bring back that Butterfly Effect joke, but this is still not good.  The concept- Navy SEALs go back to save people who are probably already dead is goofy.  The execution is oddly-maudlin, randomly-paced and feels like two movies slapped together.  Seriously, they brought Michael Gross here and told him to act super-serious...in a movie with time-travel and Dinosaurs.  Kudos for a good performance, Gross, but you're in the wrong movie!  You should make vague expressions and never quite seem awake like Christopher Atkins or Greg Evigan.  The movie has a lot of faults- obviously.  The pacing is so weird, giving us a bunch of random kills early on and then nothing for a while.  Good to see that the Raptor can take out three people, while the T-Rex can only take out one!  Random other moments include a guy killed by a sea monster that shows up for one scene and those stupid carnivorous plants that were also in Journey.  Here's a fun game: take a shot every time that this Asylum movie feels exactly like Journey- which was also released in 2008.  By the end, that time-travel bullshit will make sense and you won't even consider how screwed up time seems by these selfish pricks.  Suck it, String Theory!  If you want one image to really sum up the quality of the film, this is it...

Next up, a rare Asylum film (but still with Greg Evigan).  How can an Asylum Western be?  Stay tuned...

Lock Me Up!: Dragon Crusaders

Now for Number 2- joke fully-intented!  This is Dragon Crusaders, another Asylum Dragon film.  To be fair, the plot is different.  The plot is still stupid, full of holes and builds up to a whole lot of nothing, but it is different!  This film involves some Knights Templar- who I guess escaped the torture and eye-gouging of their comrades- who try to help save a Village.  All it takes is one dumb Witch-in-Training to screw that up, however, sending them off on a quest to stop an evil Wizard.  Uh oh- Merlin's gone rogue!  I kid, but 'Merlin' is here.  In fact, most of the major Actors from Merlin are here, including the Ladies of the Lake, the Commander and even the random guy who gets killed by grabbing Excalibur first.  I'd say that it was a Merlin reunion...but they probably never left.  It reminds me a lot of how the same cast of Actors were in The Beast of Bray Road, Dracula's Curse, Legion of the Dead & King of the Lost World- all realized between late-2005 and early-2006!  This really speaks more about me, as I can recognize repeat Asylum actors and the roles that they played.  Before I get myself psychological help, I have to review this movie, so read on, you crazy diamonds...

In a random, Syfy Opening scene, this guy is killed by a Dragon.  Alright then.

In the actual plot, a fishing village is attacked by Pirate-lite villains.  Amongst the people, this wannabe-Xena.  You totally make sense in this plot, lady!

They go on the Pirate-lite's boat to rescue the Witch-in-Training, only to find that she put a curse on the boat.  Anyone who has spilled blood will turn into a monster.

Okay- obvious question time: why the hell would you turn killer 'Pirates' into killer monsters?  Do you just hate everyone?  Are you a moron?!?!?

Quick- save them, Merlin.  Oh sorry, you're 'Insert Generic Fantasy Name Here' the Knight Templar.  When did they recruit you again?  Yesterday?

The curse takes effect, but works at different times depending on how much 'evil' the Knights have inside of them.  Translation: having them all turn at once would kill the movie's premise.

After much adversity (mostly from each other), they face off with greater forces like this evil Wizard (who looks like an evil Kyle Gass). 

Fun Fact: our hero is killed, but brought back by Irish Magic.  How much does that factor into the plot?  It never comes up again- naturally!

After failing miserably at first and running away, our remaining heroes use the highly-explosive rocks/silt mined right by the Dragon/Wizard's Lair to blow it up.  Science says "why not?"

As a bonus, those that were transformed into monsters turn back to normal.  It would totally kill this 'happy ending' to have them check on their friend that they decapitated- who would now be a head-less human.  A happy 'Merlin' says The End.

It's not any better the second time.  The plot of this movie has potential, but it has to cheat to really work.  The curse is so specific for the plot, just to make it work.  The Pirate-lites transform right away...but are never shown.  Is there any pay-off to them?  Nope.  When there's one guy who's not transformed, he's killed within minutes by the first Templar to transform.  So much for the potential drama of being the one guy who has to decide whether or not he has to kill his friends, huh?  The curse effects them slowly and at different times.  I get the reason for this (as a movie), but in the actual plot it's a bit goofy.  Here's the other thing: this is just an excuse to make them fight the Wizard.  They pretty much say at one point that they would fight him regardless of whether doing so would break the curse.  "Ha ha- I cursed you, Superman!  Now you'll die if you don't constantly rescue Lois Lane!"  This film- like Merlin- does have its moments, but it mostly falls flat. Re-using the same cast- including the Ladies of the Lake- doesn't help at all.  If you want a great summary for the film's quality, just look at the DVD Menu.  None of it matches- not the Dragon's color, the hero, not even the hero's outfit!  It looks like a Green Dragon is fighting Almighty Thor!

Next up, The Asylum copies a movie that grossed $11 million out of its $80 million budget.  On the plus side, they got 'Burt Gummer' on board!

Lock Me Up!: Merlin & The War of the Dragons

Welcome to a double-dose of Dragon dung.  Today's film is Merlin (&) The War of the Dragons, brought to you by The Asylum.  I've already covered Dragon (aka The Asylum's Eragon), so this one was long overdue.  Released in conjunction with the Merlin show, this film preports to tell the earliest exploits of the world's third most-famous Wizard (behind Gandalf and the '80s film The Wizard).  How is it?  It's an Asylum film- you figure it out!  To date, the most feasibly-assembled film of theirs has been Ballistica, which they actually just bought and re-titled.  They can make films that are funny- for less-than-intended reasons- but they are usually still not good.  This one is no exception, of course.  Does it do the source material- which is admittedly somewhat-false already- justice?  Can this be as good as the time that MacGuyver met Merlin?  To find out, read on...

Nice of you to throw some 'historical authenticity' in here, guys.  Any Nerds greater than I want to check that date and see how it holds up?

The crux of the plot involves Merlin and another young man learning magic from a vaguely-Russian guy- Jurgen Prochnow. You're supposed to be Romans, aren't you?  Bonus points for just calling him 'The Mage.'

As if life wasn't hard enough in those days- see Terry Jones' Medieval Lives-, Dragons and evil raiders attack the land.  I just paid off my filthy, mud shack too!!!

While Merlin's buddy is off being evil and such, Merlin must decipher the secrets of The Mage's magic book.  Did I mention that he's dead?  Well, he is.

The whole point of this sub-plot is to keep Merlin busy and push the 'which magical Maiden is evil' story.  Guess how important that is?

Merlin emerges from faux-Limbo and helps out his people against the raiders, their dragon army and his old friend.  Merlin's secret plan- turn their soldiers into Dragons too!

While the others fight, it all comes down to Merlin and his friend.  Which Wizard will win?

I guess there are some Dragons fighting too.  If you've seen any Asylum film, you'll know that this is pretty ho-hum when they do it.  Joy.

Merlin seems like he's going to use, especially since his former-friend has stock lightning effects at his disposal!  Damn Sith!

Merlin wins- I shit you not- by tricking the other Wizard into picking up Excalibur, which deems him not worthy and kills him.  Lame.  Grow up and start being cool already.  The End.

It's a kind of magic- a lame one!  What can I say about this movie?  The plot is pretty lackluster, the acting is not all that great and the overall feel is the usual form of 'Asylum cheap.'  They're so cheap that even they make fun of how stock their Opening Credits Sequences get!  It's not funny if you're still hacks!  I feel weird saying that this tale of Merlin the Wizard is not historically-accurate, but it doesn't feel right.  In this one, Merlin learns magic from 'Qui-Gon.'  He removes Excalibur and has many scenes with the TWO Ladies of the Lake.  I should also mention that he's the bastard child of a Demon and a Woman too!  Yeah, that's a plot point!  While this plot thread is apparently accurate (to the lore, mind you), it adds nothing, save for some filler bits, and manages to just waste time.  All it really does is set up one guy to say that he's evil, try to use Excalibur and get killed by it.  This silly Plot Point only serves to set-up an equally-silly Chekhov's Gun!  Here's another one for you: the Scabard for Excalibur makes you immune to long falls or most damage.  It's not totally clear whether this is made-up or not, but it sure feels goofy here.  Merlin falls off of a Dragon, sees that he's unharmed and Narration explains why he's alive.  Joy.  As a whole, the film has some good moments, but really just feels like one of those silly, stupid Asylum films.  Hell, even in this dramatic close-up, all I can focus on are the Actor's crooked front teeth!

Next up, the second part of The Asylum's Dragon Double-Feature.  If you like deceptive titling, familiar faces and a goofy plot, you're in luck!

(Semi) Immediate Response: The Bourne Legacy

I went out with the family last night and saw The Bourne Legacy.  Will this Side-quel/Parallel-quel match up to the original films (not counting the '80s one that we pretend doesn't exist)?

The Good
* As is the norm, the action is high-octane, intense and shot closely.  It's not quite as shaky as Greengrass was known to do, nor is it shot awkwardly a la Batman Begins.  It's a good middle-ground.
* Jeremy Renner proves that he's right to be cast in 'everything' (Mission Impossible, Bourne, The Avengers, etc).  He doesn't do Matt Damon- he plays a new character.  While there's still a lot of mystery about him, the movie gives you enough to know him and his motivations.
* The plot is good, taking place as a sort of counterpoint to The Bourne Ultimatum movie.
* Overall, the Acting is very good, from Renner, Weisz and Norton down to the smaller players like Stacy Keach and Law & Order regular Zeljko Ivanek.  No complaints there.
* Joan Allen, Scott Glenn and David Strathairn appear in Cameos to tie the films together.  Speaking of which...

The Bad

* Honestly, the only real major(ish) complaint I have is that the plot felt a bit disconnected from the Trilogy.  They tried really hard to convince me, but it didn't work.  When the plot moves to Manilla (something the Trailers show), it made it pretty clear that there was a disconnect.
* Likewise, introducing new higher-up characters like Norton's is not bad per se, but it is a bit of cheat.  That will probably only bother the hyper-detail-oriented viewer like myself.
* It's become a Bourne tradition to introduce a sort of 'Evil Bourne' for him to fight.  Here- they have a chase.  It's good, but not the most climactic thing that they could have done.

* I won't SPOIL it, but Bourne/Cross does one really ridiculous bit of action.  When you see it, you'll know.

Overall, the Good far outweighs the Bad.  Hell, most of you probably won't notice most of what I consider to be Bad.  Even I didn't think it was really Bad, but it wasn't exactly what I was hoping for/expected.

This is a really good movie.  Don't let me and my OCD discourage you.  Go see it already.

Because I Watched It: The Adventures of Superpup

After 3 years or so running this site, I figured that I'd try out something new.

Thanks to the miracle of YouTube and Public Domain, here's the never-aired The Adventures of Superpup Pilot from 1958.  Enjoy those nightmares.

Here's Part 2, which isn't in Color because that film ain't cheap!  I don't see you paying for it!!!

If this works out and you like it, give me some feedback.  If you think that this is just an excuse for me to skip Phase IV again (which it is), let me know that too.

Oh and The Bourne Legacy is neat.  I should probably write about that too, huh?

(Delayed) Review Week: Undead

Were you worth the wait?  Today's film is Undead, a movie that I've just never gotten around to.  Here is some back-story, since I assume that you care.  I bought this film for cheap a long time ago, most likely from a Hollywood Video.  Fun Fact: one location is still intact in town- just empty.  Don't have a use for the lot?  Where was I?  I've meant to do this for a while, but...well, I haven't.  No funny story or silly anecdote- I just haven't.  I finally sat down and watched this movie that was gathering dust on my DVD rack for months & I really regret not covering it by now.  The plot- zombies show up in Australia thanks to a silly reason.  It was going to be sillier a while ago, but I have actually seen a plot like this done before- hint hint.  The movie is a mix of horror, comedy and sci-fi.  With all of those eggs in one basket, can they succeed?  To find out, read on...

The film takes places in Berkeley, a small fishing town in Australia.  They're struck by meteors, which causes people hit by them to become zombies...with super-strength.

The zombie attacks strand a bunch of people, including a pregnant waitress, her fiancee, a farmer with a gun fetish, Final Girl, the Constable and his Second-in-Command.  Just keep holding that skull, buddy!

 Stop me if you've heard this: a lone woman flees from a zombie attack to a farm house, only to end up working with a competent man who can fend for himself.  Subtle.

These zombies look neat, but really befuddle me.  A small portion are created by the meteors hitting them.  Others are killed by zombies.  Others still are just kind of dead already (see the guy below).

This is also from the Buffy school of Make Monsters Have Thick Brows.  I still don't get that.

To fulfill some sort of quota, Farmer McGunFetish has a triple-mounted Shotgun.  All the power of a Shotgun- now with 3x as long of a reload time!

Did I mention that this plot involves aliens?  Well, it involves aliens, as shown by this sepia-toned flashback by Farmer McGunFetish.

I'm skipping the part where they build a giant spike-covered wall around the town, by the way.  I just wanted you to know that.

As it turns out, the aliens are actually good.  The meteorites- and the dust they sent up- turned people into zombies, so the aliens quarantined the people and cured them with sci-fi rain.  No joke.

With the town cured- and no longer floating in the air-, the day is saved by random aliens.  The End.

Oh wait- one guy was never rained on, kills Farmer McGunFetish and starts another plague.  Despite interceding last time, they apparently don't come back, leaving our heroine to hold the silly shotgun and guard a 'farm of zombies.  The *real* End.

If nothing else, it's really, really weird.  The good parts: the silly action, good effects and unique take on the Zombie Apocalypse.  The bad parts: the weird tone, inept characters and silly ending.  The movie is a mixed bag, that's for sure!  I liked the silly aspects of Farmer McGunFetish...to a point.  Having him as the only useful person with a gun was not bad.  The problem is that everyone was either a terrible shot, can't reload a gun or just refuses to take action.  The Waitress is reasonable to see as a bad shot- granted.  The Constable and Second-in-Command- how are they so gun-shy and afraid to take action?  They overcompensate with the non-action characters to make Farmer look good.  Even with that, they still go over the top, including a scene where he clings to a wall by his boot spurs, does an upside-down shot or two & flips back to his feet. Bull and shit, movie!  The alien idea is neat, but certainly isn't represented all that well.  Why does it take them so long to make rain appear?  Why didn't they think of a better, more sure-fire way to do this?  Hell, to cure our heroine, the alien trio has to appear and splash water in her face, since she was wearing a rain jacket!  The movie's biggest appeal and biggest fault is the silly gore scenes with the zombies.  They're fun for a while, but you eventually figure out that they are all the film really has in mind.  There is too much of a good thing, at least for me.  As a whole, this is a weird, weird zombie film that certainly deserves a watch.  You may be mixed, you may love it or you may make the same face as Black Aborigine here...

Next up, another film that I have kept putting off.  Will Dean Cain redeem his

(Delayed) Adrian Paul Week: Alien Tracker

Alien languages are easy to decipher than this mess of a film!  Today's film is Alien Tracker, a movie that I meant to do last month.  Shit happens, so here it is now.  (Alien) Tracker was a show.  It was made in Canada.  After 22 episodes, it was cancelled.  Some genius in Marketing said 'Chop three episodes together and call it a movie!'  Here's the thing: they did a shit job of it.  It's not like I haven't seen the Backdoor Pilot-turned-film idea before, be it The Immortal or Bates Motel.  I even own a film called Sting of the Black Scorpion, which is really just three episodes of the Showtime (I think) series randomly-chosen.  That film doesn't pretend to have structure.  Neither did Darkest Knight 1, 2 or 3, which are similar compilations.  The stories start and stop- stupid, but simple.  This film is somewhat in-between, trying to keep a structure while also being three episodes put together.  They utterly fail at this.  I'll get into more detail as to how in the actual review.  All you need to know is that Paul is an alien (in a human body- thanks, budget) that hunts alien criminals (also in human bodies) down to put them back in space jail.  To see how badly they can botch this, read on...

After a silly intro in which The-Entertainer-Formerly-Known-As-Chyna kills a guy in the same way that Derek Zoolander's Male Model friends died, we see an alien narrate about his arrival. 

In true Critters fashion, it scans a billboard...in a Corn Field and we get Adrian Paul...Underwear Model Alien (and not the master of running).

He ends up with this lady who is way too accepting of the situation & he tells her about his mission to capture aliens. 

One awkward Edit later and he's in mid-car chase with Not Chyna.  They have a silly fight scene and he kills 'her.'  That was ten minutes well-spent!

Due to some more wonkey Editing, our heroine flees the fight with Geraint Wyn Davies, only to re-appear in the same place seconds later.  Shockingly, the guy who's almost always evil is evil. 

He's the mastermind behind the body-stealing plan & just leaves Paul alive when he could easily kill him.  He am smart!

Furthering the confusion, we get a '6 Months Later' card.  This skips over important plot points with Paul getting settled in and starts us right in on a plot involving the capture of one of the prisoners by the eeevil U.S. government.

In the middle of all of this, we get a Sub-Plot involving our heroine and her friend looking through her Grandmother's diary.  In the show, this might be important.  In the film, it means nothing.  Why.  Is.  This.  Here?!?

After Paul escapes, the idea of the recurring villain in Evil Government Guy is shot down by his character being re-assigned by his paid-off General boss. 

In more lovely Editing, we go from him being paid off by Davies (how?  Who knows?) to suddenly hiring him to resurrect the alien fugitive killed in the Government Facility.  Thanks for that.

I didn't even bother with the 'Third Act.'  Why?  Because they suddenly introduce this guy who works at the Bar and knows that Paul is an Alien.  This was meant to make sense, right?  The End.

I want to hire a guy who can find the logical flow of this story!  I don't mean to always sound angry about shitty movies, but I can't help it here.  This is a decent-enough-looking show that is Edited into shit to make it a cash-in movie.  If you liked the show, you'd be annoyed by the awkward cutting and decisions over what to keep itn.  Important scenes happen in random order, they usually end quick and the stupid scenes (like the Diary part) have no pay-off.  Seriously, what is the pay-off there?  There's a super-tiny part in which she finds a metal pyramid amongst the stuff, but there's no mention of it being important.  In next episode...I mean, part of the story, we see a similarly-shaped object displayed on Paul's computer.  So, yeah, what was the point of all of this?  They never explain.  You took time to leave in a random scene like that, but don't how how this new character who appears an hour in works at the Bar, knows our heroine and knows that Paul is an Alien?  Priorities, people!  In another awkward Edit, Davies tells a fellow Alien that Paul has 'captured 20 of us already.'  The movie shows us TWO- nowhere near twenty!  Show, don't tell!  It's not like this was probably a great show, but I can't imagine that it was worse without the film Edits.  If you like the show, watch the show.  If you like movies, watch just about anything else.  Nice Cube reference, 'movie!'

Next up, a film about zombies that I've nearly reviewed four/five times.  No longer with this uncreatively-titled film go un-reviewed!  Stay tuned...

(Delayed) Adrian Paul Week: Nemesis Game

Yo, Adrian- why is this movie so boring?  Today's film is Nemesis Game, a film that I only reviewed for a really silly and pointless reason.  You see, the poster is a blatant rip-off of The X-Files' famous box art.  It's a little less direct than The Vector File, but still pretty bad.  Given my tenuous interest in the movie, you'll be shocked to know that I didn't much care for it.  Who'd have thunk it?!?  The plot involves a young lady working her way into the underground world of *sigh* mysterious riddles place in the sewers/streets.  Yea.  That's totally doing a lot to sell me on the movie, now!  Aside from Paul, the movie features Ian McShane, although he doesn't exactly do much here.  While you already know how I feel, here's your chance to decide for yourself...

The film begins In Media Res with a Cop (McShane of Kung-Fu Panda fame) questioning a woman about 'what she did.'  Once they think it's dramatic enough, we cut back to two weeks earlier...

Our heroine is a young woman who has a friend (Paul) that works in a Record Store (remember those?) and...looks very weird.

He takes her deep in the world of Underground Riddle-Solving, which only sounds sillier the more I say it out loud.

*

About an hour into the movie, she goes into a Subway Station- mind the mass suicides and Japanese guys being run over- and finds a laptop in a back area.  It plays a random flash of images and...that's it.

Seconds later, a mysterious man shows up and chases her out the door.  We flash-Edit to reveal...that he was a Janitor.  Dun dun lame!

*

If that's all you've got movie, I think that I can safely quit now.  The End.

Yes, I know that stuff eventually happens- I just don't care.  I really tried to care, but I couldn't.  The movie moves at a snail's pace, which is not helped by the In Media Res intro.  It's not a bad intro, but it does take time away from the actual plot.  More of the film's run-time is spent making it look 'cool.'  Scenes set in an Indy Record Store- check.  Weird flash montage of random imagery set to rock music- check.  Adrian Paul with frosted hair- weird check!  In spite of the recognizable actors (even Knocked Up's Jay Baruchel is here), this movie is just dull.  I tried, tried, tried to care, but I couldn't get no satisfaction.  If you want to watch it for yourself, be my guest.  Take us away, Adrian...Paul...

Next up, I finally get around to Adrian Paul's Back-door Pilot about Aliens.  With his record, who knows what I'll get!  Stay tuned...