After 'Blair Witch': Seventh Moon

Eduardo, do you never change?  This film is Sanchez's third film and...is pretty much his first film.  It should be called The Blair Witch Project, But... instead of this.  It's The Blair Witch Project, but it's in China.  It's The Blair Witch Project, but it's focusing on only two people.  It's The Blair Witch Project, but it's got a fairly-famous star in it, thus killing the potential realism of it.  It's The Blair Witch Project, but there's no excuse for the terrible camerawork this time.  You see, there's no conceit that the movie is being filmed by the actors- thank God.  No, it's just shitty, in-your-face camerawork for no good reason.  Imagine if Godzilla was shot like Cloverfield, essentially.  The movie has a kind of neat premise, if you can get past the execution.  To see what that is, read on...

Our heroes are a young, married couple who are spending their honeymoon in China.  Who needs an introduction when we can get awkward, shaky cam of them in the city?

As they are getting a taxi back to their Hotel that night, something goes awry.  By the way, normal films can shoot inside of cars without nearly rubbing the lens on the actors' faces- I'm just saying!

While on the drive, some strange, pale thing runs in front of the car.  World's worst streaker or one of the film's monsters- you decide!

Uh oh, all is not well.  After wandering for a bit- when the driver abandons them- our heroes find this wounded man.  What did this to him?  I wonder.

I hope you don't like seeing the action, because this film is in love with 'natural lighting.'  Translation- no lighting.  Joy.

Who are the weird, white creatures?  Why are they loose during this Moon?  Will our heroes escape?  If you want to know, see the movie...if you still care to.  The End.

Hold the damn camera straight and turn on a bloody light!  The plot of this movie is alright.  Essentially, two people get forced into a dangerous situation, wander around and react to danger.  There's nothing new here.  They spice the blandness up with the Chinese setting and folklore surrounding what amount to zombies/cannibals/crazed killers, etc.  Other than that, you've seen this movie.  Speaking of 'seeing this movie before,' this movie, as stated above, is a Blair Witch knock-off.  It's by one of the two Directors- the other of whom would rip it off the following year- but it still counts.  It's the equivalent of Rumplestiltskin, a film by the Writer/Director of Leprechaun.  It's almost worse when you do this!  I didn't want to hate this movie, but I have no choice.  It's really hard to follow, the characters are either dull or unlikable and the whole thing is just disorienting.  If this movie was not shot like Blair Witch and was a bit more competent, I might have given it more of a chance.  Try again, Eduardo!  Take us away, combination of no lighting and super-close-up...

Next up, a week of infamously-bad movies (as opposed to my normal stuff).  First up, the film that pissed off an entire generation of Nintendo fans.  Stay tuned...

After 'Blair Witch': Altered

Rednecks & Aliens.  Eduardo Sanchez is just about as prolific as Daniel Myrick when it comes to movies.  His films, however, are not so good.  Case in point: this uneven film from 2006.  Never heard of it?  You're in good company, as I only stumbled across it by accident.  The plot is simple: rednecks capture an alien and seek revenge.  With a budget of $8 million, what kind of action can we get though?  Not that all big-budget films are good, but we have to set our expectations properly.  Oddly, this film is very gory, but was originally planned to be a comedy.  That must have been some comedy script!  To see a film that talks about major events instead of showing them, read on and prepare to be...

In a 'cold open,' our heroes chase...something in the Woods and eventually catch it...off-camera.  Off to a good start.

The trio take it to their friend, who does not want it.  When his girlfriend/fiancee gets too close, he has no choice.  What is it exactly?

It looks like they caught the missing 6th Ninja Turtle (after Venus De Milo, of course).  It has to be building up to something right...

Correct.  It's one pissed off alien!  You see, our heroes were abducted by these guys years ago and they killed their friend.  Now, they want revenge...but it's not going too well.  How can you tell?

When the creature is holding on to one half of your intestines like a cat playing with some string, that's how.  Ew.

Things get worse and worse, in spite of the alien being held captive to be tortured.  You see, if they kill him, the rest will come and destroy the Earth.  Seems fair.

If I can keep showing you shots of the alien- the film's only good aspect- I can distract you from the fact that the film's hero becomes a whiny little bitch.

I won't SPOIL too much, but I will show you that this happens.  The End.

Is one good suit enough?  The plot of this film is decent, but it suffers from a lot of problems.  For one, the film's key moments are not actually shown.  We hear all sorts of horror stories about the alien abduction, but never see it.  Not that they had to show a lot- a little goes a long way.  Hell, we don't even get the 'P.O.V. shot of the man staring up at the lights' cliche- nothing!  You can't just go 'It was horrible that one time that zombies came out of the ground and nearly killed us' and get away with it.  The only draw here is the horror aspects involving the captured alien and the suit.  That's one damn good suit.  Why is the movie not centered more around this thing?  Is it possible that someone could buy said suit and put it in a better movie?  Seriously though, the film really drags for a long time and is only salvaged by that suit and a flash of good effects at the end.  On the plus side, it's Sanchez' best film out of the two this week...

Up next, Eduardo Sanchez returns to familiar territory.  Translation: this is going to be blurry and annoying.  Stay tuned...

Poor Bastards of Cinema: Black Cobra (reprise)

The idea of Poor Bastards of Cinema came from this very movie.  Let's take a look back...now with pictures.

Our hero is celebrating the death of the villain.  Of course, he's not really dead, but that doesn't stop Fred from wining and dining a lady.

The villain has gone to great lengths to disguise himself as part of his plan to kill our hero.  However...

...he doesn't count on our hero recognizing him based on this inaccurate picture put in the paper.  Of course!

The villain fires a shot at our hero, who pushes himself and the lady out of the way.  However, someone else is not so lucky...

That's right- our hero saves his own ass by getting a guy killed!  Who is this guy?  What was he doing?  Why did he deserve to die, Hammer?

Next up, a party-goer learns the danger of drinking.  Wrong place, wrong time.  Stay tuned...

After 'Blair Witch': The Objective

What exactly is your Objective?  This 2008 film comes to us from Daniel Myrick, attempting to come back from a dull, Danish remake.  I still can't believe that the film didn't translate over!  Anyhow, this film finds Myrick in familiar territory: Directing actors wandering around in the wilderness.  As Myrick himself has stated, this film is different.  How?  It's in the Desert.  By changing climates, he has completely-defused my argument!  Ha ha.  This film involves a bunch of soldiers wandering around in Afghanistan looking for some source of power.  The movie is set in the wake of 9/11, not like the event is ever mentioned or has any bearing on the plot.  Giving the film some credit, it does actually build up to something happening.  It's been 8 years, so Myrick has gotten past people randomly standing in the corner of the basement.  Is this resolution- and the film that accompanies- good though?  To find out, read on...

Our hero is a C.I.A. operative sent to Afghanistan to find a mysterious source of radiation.  Is it a bomb?  A mobile power plant?  Not exactly.

In place of the 'let's shoot everything' mind-set of Blair Witch, only one guy shoots things, albeit with a much goofier device.  It's apparently some sort of heat-sensor/camera/satellite phone that I doubt actually exists...especially 10 years ago.

After a long time lost in the Desert, our heroes find a Bedouin in a cave.  Unfortunately, he appears to be friends with those demon-ghosts from Ghost...who show up on Night-Vision.  I totally buy that.   

As if things could not get any worse, they are confronted by floating spotlights in the night sky.  I wouldn't get too close to them or they will....shoot you with a laser that turns you into sand.  That's what you get for not listening!

Thanks to our hero's made-up camera, he can see invisible space ships in the desert.  Quick question: how aerodynamic is a ship shaped like an upside-down pyramid?

On his own, our hero wanders about some more, continuing to narrate to himself in the past tense.  When you see the end of the film, you have to question how that is working exactly.

After a serious alien-induced acid trip of sorts, our hero is discovered and ends up being tested in a lab.  Does this shot look familiar to one from Blair Witch 2?  Maybe.  The End.

In the Desert, no one can hear you scratch your head.  The plot of this movie is certainly more interesting than Solstice, but I'm not sure how much better it is.  The whole thing is made to pretty much be a Found Footage movie, although there is nobody actually filming anything in the plot (save for our hero).  The plot's only conceit is that he's talking in the past-tense about it.  Given how the movie ends, how is that possible?  Who is he telling it to?  Are we supposed to be his imaginary friend?  The problem with the film is that just raises more questions than it can answer.  Who are the aliens?  What are their goals?  Why are they in Afghanistan? Do they support Islam and hate America?  Why do they fly down, hang around and just leave?  How about you get off your ass and explain something movie?!?  Myrick said in an interview that he liked films that made people talk.  Here's some talk for you: make a good movie and I'll like you!  Take us away, goofy face...

Up next, I switch focus to the other Director- Eduardo Sanchez.  His film involves aliens too...and gets even weirder.  Stay tuned...

After 'Blair Witch': Solstice

When in America, do as the Danish do.  This film is by Daniel Myrick, one of the two Directors behind The Blair Witch Project.  It's only fitting then that I begin this two-part look at his work with a film that's actually a remake.  Seriously, this movie is a remake of a horror film from Denmark.  Wow- are we that devoid of ideas?  Considering that one weekend this year saw both a remake of Conan the Barbarian and Fright Night, that might be true.  The film is notable for starring a couple of people, mostly Amanda Seyfried.  Before she got famous over here for being in 6,001 films in a month, she was doing crap like this in 2007.  Shawn Ashmore is here too, proving that identical twins can star in twice as many shit films as any normal man.  As a bonus, the film takes place in my home state, which I'm sure translates well from Danish.  Prepare to be underwhelmed as we celebrate the...

In a confusing narrative, our heroine is one of two twin sisters- ironic for a film starring a male twin- who is mourning the loss of, well, her other half.  Naturally, she goes on vacation to get over that.  Off to Alligator Alley...

Her best friend is played by Seyfriend, here sporting some dark, red hair.  That's what you get for being in a supporting role!

R. Lee Ermey is here as a local who acts really suspicious.  Is his last name Herring, first name Red?  Too subtle!

I'll spare you a play-by-play as the film meanders about for forty-plus minutes.  Does anything happen?  Aside from random ghosts and cars turning on, no.  Look away!

Fine- I'll talk about this movie more.  The local stud takes the group into a lake to do a ritual to talk to the ghost.  Nothing really happens, but something definitely could have.  On the plus side, it's not Witches of the Caribbean.

The movie takes a nice, long distraction by having our heroine break into Ermey's house, suspecting that he's up to something.  He's not.  Hey look- a ghost.

Want to know what this movie was building up to?  Do you really want to know?  SPOILERS below then...

About a year earlier, Ashmore and the twin ran over a girl in the town.  They covered it up, but the guilt drove the girl to suicide.  The ghost kills Ashmore and all is well...except for the dead people.  The End.

Thank God you only come four times a year!  The plot of this movie certainly sounds like it could be interesting.  Nice, good-looking people are haunted by a ghost- good.  Nice, good-looking people wander about while nothing happens- not so good.  This is not a terrible movie.  It is just a dull movie.  It is fine if you like this kind of stuff, but it did absolutely nothing for me.  On the plus side, it's not a rehash of Myrick's most famous work.

Next up, a rehash of Myrick's most famous work.  This time, it's in the desert and stuff actually happens.  Stay tuned...

Lost in Translation: An American Werewolf in London (Part 3...or 4)

Leave it to Asia to close out this second...or third...or fourth look at John Landis' werewolf classic...

Seriously, this random clip-art selection for Asian poster is just silly.  Does this movie feature several werewolves, a zombie and one of the people from Nightbreed?  Weird, right?

P. S. I'll spare you another week of these.  I have one, but I'll save it for later.

Next up, a CG film for kids is turned into something scary overseas.  Boo!  Stay tuned...

Boo!: The Fear- Halloween Night

Are you scared?  Well, you shouldn't be.  This film is all about fear, but is, ironically-enough, not all that scary.  It's a stock plot, just with a weird conceit and villain to it.  You've seen this movie before, but not quite exactly.  Confused?  The plot revolves around a young man using an obscure, Indian ritual to rid himself of his greatest fear.  Naturally, he does so with a life-sized wooden doll named Morty.  I may need to brush up on my Iroquois!  The film is full of notable character actors, including Gordon Currie from Puppet Master 4 & 5, Betsy Palmer from Friday the 13th and future B-Movie Actress Emmanuelle Vaugier.  The star power is just leaping off the screen!  To celebrate (a late) Halloween, enjoy this silly crap with me.  To see what a(n evil stick) can do, read on...

Our hero (Currie) has some serious fears in his life.  Do they relate to the film's opening scene in which his father 'pulls a Benoit' on himself and the mother?  Maybe.  This creepy, life-size doll should help...

He invites his friends over to a cabin for the Weekend to take part in a ceremony to erase his fears.  It sure was nice of him to invite over 'White Eric Balfour'...

As part of the ritual, the people dress up as representations of their fears.  This is interesting in theory, but also lends itself to out-of-context screen captures like this...

Morty comes to life, however, and puts an end to the fun.  He takes out most of the people in silly ways and has the nerve to interrupt one guy while he's trying to score.  You evil bastard!

The grandfather is afraid of rats, so they are caused to appear all over him.  What actually kills him here though?  Is he imagining them?  Why do your kills raise so many questions?

As the body count piles up, our heroes try to escape in their van.  The only way that this could fail if Morty suddenly gained a new power for no good reason.

There's no way that this serious character could do something like that, right?  Right?

Oh crap- Morty just turned into a tree, causing their van to wreck.  My brain hurts.

In spite of his vague and unexplained powers, Morty falls for the one trick that puts a stop to any wooden foe- fire.  After 80 minutes, they just burn him.  No, really.  The End.

There's nothing like silliness for Halloween!  The plot of this movie is just kind of there.  I mean, there are good elements to it, but the whole thing just doesn't work.  The hero is just kind of mopey, in spite of having family, friends and a girlfriend supporting him.  It must suck to be so surrounded by loving people!  His whole plot keeps the story going, even if the script doesn't.  After introducing the characters and situation, the whole film just meanders for about thirty minutes.  There is a point to this- to set up all of the characters' fears- but it really hurts the tension here.  On top of that, the only real kill in the first forty-five minutes (save for the opening) involving the Indian guide being killed by 'spirit horses' summoned by the doll.  No, really.  If this film was handled by a better Writer and Director, it would be easier to recommend.  As it is, it's an obscure film about Halloween- although an alternate title is The Fear: Resurrection- with a villain that has goofy and unexplained powers.  By the time it's all over, it's hard to care.  If you can be more forgiving, however, give it a look.  Speaking of looks...

Next up, November begins with a look at later films by the Directors of The Blair Witch Project.  Naturally, they begin by remaking a Danish film.  Stay tuned...