No Dice: No Contest

I disagree- there is indeed a contest!  This movie is one of those '90s time capsules that has been preserved for posterity.  

Let's take a look at just what makes it 'so '90s.'  

The lead- an actress who can't act or fight, but did do some nudity in the past.  

The supporting cast- a bunch of people who were in one big movie, so they star in dozens of little movies to make them seem important.  

The villain- a comedian-turned-actor who had a marketability that would last about 13 months.  

The plot- Die Hard, but in a different location. 

 In addition, you have lots of badly-choreographed action, shooting and a bunch of technology that didn't exist back then.  I'll break it down into more detail as this review goes on.  

Let's do the Macarena as we determine that there is...

Shannon Tweed is a former-Miss Galaxy (not Universe)-turned-action-star who is hosting the event.  Her love-interest is Robert Davi.  Ew- acne scars.

A bunch of villains hijack the tournament to make a bunch of money.  Roddy Piper is one of them, since he was in They Live at one point and had a terrible agent.

The villain of this movie is the face of evil...and sexist comedy with no actual pay-off: Andrew 'Dice' Clay.  

He wears this disguise in the beginning since it's a plot point of the Die Hard Scenario film.  

Case in point: Gridlock.

Our 'John McLane' is Tweed as she wanders around the building and tries to get help.  

She's not a good substitute, but you already knew that.

I should also mention that one of the hostages is a Senator's Daughter, since she was in the Pageant.  

In addition, her only bodyguard was Davi, an older-agent with a bum leg.  No wonder you guys have low approval ratings!

Will Tweed and Davi save the day in time during the dramatic finale on the roof?  

Of course they will.

Just to mix things up (the only reason I can think of), we still get about three more action scenes after this.  

It FINALLY culminates in an action scene on an elevator.  Cue the title line (at about 86 minutes in).

With the dead man's switch on his bomb stopped by a man talking over a radio (seriously- that happens), he is shot to death by Tweed and falls into a blue screen.  

The End.

No success.  The plot of this movie is, well, Die Hard.  Some minor details have been changed- an office building turns into a hotel, a woman in the lead, etc- but the plot is still the same.  

Much like Gridlock, the movie is notable only for its casting.  Andrew 'Dice' Clay as a villain- laughable, but in the wrong ways.  Tweed as a hero- just kind of sad, really.  Piper as the lead henchman- kind of fun, albeit one note.  

If you like action films, this is one of them.  

More importantly, if you want to see what the '90s without the aid of a VH1 Clip Show, this is a great way to do it.  

It's pretty funny too.  Isn't that right, Piper?

Next up, a sci-fi action film gets the Ultimate aid.  Can it rise from a North Star and survive the Cage?  Stay tuned...

Poor Bastards of Cinema (Special): Watchers

As Rare of a movie as Watchers is these days, random death is quite easily found!

Essentially, the plot revolves around the boy and his dog (not those two!) going places while the monster show up later and kills people.  Case in point: they go near this guy's cabin...so the creature kills him.

This future TV star goes out in the Woods with his friends...and gets killed by the monster.

The boy's Computer Class Teacher is killed while grading homework.  Why?  Because the dog showed up to class.  Thanks, dog!

This guy is the nice, friendly step-dad.  He does nothing to make you hate him, so, of course, the movie kills him violently as well.

Finally, this woman runs a motel that our heroes stay at.  She initially refuses to allow dogs, but the mother coerces her husband to make an exception.  The next morning, she's in there cleaning and *BOOM* death.

Essentially, Corey Haim and his dog that can spell words in Scrabble lead a trail of corpses about as long as the Trail of Tears!  You're the heroes of this film?  Damn!

Next up, a man learns that you have to watch out for stock footage while walking.  Incoming snow!  Stay tuned...

A.I. Hate This: Android Apocalypse

Stop making me watch these movies, Chris Jericho!  My love for the performer makes me willing to watch just about anything he's been in.  Considering that he's wrestled for the CNWA, CRMW, FMW, CMLL,WAR, ECW, WCW and the WWE, it's a lot to see.  His film career, however, is less stellar and broad.  Not counting wrestling DVDs, he only has three films officially via Netflix: Albino Farm, MacGruber and this film.  Having read Chris Jericho's second book, I can tell you that he doesn't think a whole lot about this movie.  Seriously, his book spends about a paragraph on it- tops!  This Sci-Fi Channel film is essentially Enemy Mine, but with robots.  On the plus side, Jericho is in it...for about twenty minutes.  Hey- I'll take what I can get.  To see how much this film really has to offer, read on.  Put a stop to Cyberdyne before we get the...

In a world full of crime, a scientist has been pushing for robots to really do something about it.  There was also some sort of nuclear war, but it's quickly glossed over.  A group of androids- including Joey Lawrence and Chris Jericho- are sent out to save a Senator's son, which is apparently the most important task available.  Those with a keen eye will note that Jericho is not in a background shot later- why?!?  Anyhow, we meet our hero- a coal miner who is laid off when he refuses to work with androids.  He goes out drinking at a bar where people fight for money in the background.  The toughest fighter: Chris Jericho!  Our hero tries to get into a fight himself, but the cops show up.  What was exactly illegal here?  Later that night, our hero and his friend are out drinking when they provoke Jericho.  A fight breaks out, but, sadly, it turns against Jericho and he gets killed when his head is smashed up against a brick wall repeatedly.  What kind of metal are these androids made out of- aluminum?!?  The guy is arrested for 'android murder' and ends up chained to an android (Lawrence) who's being shipped to the same facility for repairs.  Whose idea was it to have the robot factory and the prison in the same building?!?

A rogue robot right out of the Terminator franchise shoots up the transport and our heroes escape.  This is where the movie is just blatantly Enemy Mine.  The two fight, make up and walk around a desert.  I think that we can all agree that the 'heroes walk through the desert' scene is the movie equivalent of the 'Sewer Level' in video games.  That's why folks love Gerry, I guess.  Moving on...

Eventually, the pair get split up.  Our human hero ends up in a mine with his wife.  On the plus side, they're back together...in forced labor.  The android works against his creator, since the guy is so obsessed with android dominance that he turned himself into one!  Isn't that kind of like doing brain surgery on yourself?  As you can imagine, humans and the android fight together against the villain and his random robots.  Good triumphs over evil as I'm left wondering why Chris Jericho isn't in more of this movie.  The End.

Yeah, you've seen this movie.  The plot of this movie is by-the-books and tries nothing that unique.  I know I've mentioned it before, but most of the film is Enemy Mine- just with aliens switched out for androids.  A lot of questions are raised- how much humanity do androids have, are they slaves, do humans really deserve what they get- but none of them are really raised.  The answers are excised in favor of an evil villain trying to take over the world- of course- in the name of android freedom.  Been there, done that.  The movie is so stock that I think that they sell it to put on meat in supermarkets!  Nothing all that interesting after Jericho is killed and Joey Lawrence cannot act- even when you consider that he's supposed to be emotionless.  If you like generic, Sci-Fi Channel films, this is one of them.  Take us away, Jericho's double for no reason...

Next up, a film involving a bad comedian, a bad wrestler-turned-actor and a fake action star.  Hello, bad blue screen!  Stay tuned...

Lost in Translation: Count Dracula (Part 1)

Hammer films are almost always good.  However, their Foreign posters are not always up to snuff.  Let's start with their first Dracula film from 1958...

Remember when Dracula was a giant pervert who couldn't even stare at the action?  Me neither.  There are some good elements here, but that goofy mug is distracting from everything else!

Next up, another poster for the iconic film.  This one has a different tint to it.  Stay tuned...

Ponytail Pain: Attack Force

This is why Producers sometimes need to just leave well-enough alone.  Today's film is the 2006 'classic' known as Attack Force.  However, it was actually filmed as a movie called Harvester.  According to one source, the film was supposed to be about a group of alien vampires coming to Earth and trying to kill everyone...in Bucharest, Romania.  It's still a Seagal film, so world-conquering was right out.  After the film was finished, the decision was made to make it a non-Sci-Fi film entirely!  How do you do that, you ask?  By re-dubbing all of the lines in the film referring to 'aliens,' 'invaders' or 'vampires.'  They also did some clear re-cutting of the film, as the Alien Queen character is still in the final fight of the film...but only appears in two random scenes near the end.  It makes for a very odd film experience, especially since Seagal's dubber is a man who seems to be imitating Martin Sheen!  At one point, the voice changes mid-conversation (actually, this happens a dozen times) and his first line as the new voice is 'Don't you recognize my voice?'  No, I don't and why should he?!?  This film is a mess...that you just have to see and hear about.  Prepare to marvel at the generic title that is...

An introductory scene involves some action and men attacking a base owned by some government agency.  Does it add to the plot?  No.  Did it add to the plot in the original cut?  Who knows?!?  All I know is that Seagal sports some wrist knives that he proceeds to bury in this guy's temple.

After a night in a club (since it's a film about vampires), a trio of young agents working with Seagal are killed by a vampire...I mean, lady on some super-methamphetamine substance.  When he finds out, Seagal bursts into action...

...by that, of course, I mean Seagal's stunt double leaps into action.  Seriously, they gave his double a nice shot in the film (as well as the girl's double in a silly pose).  You can't spot him too often, but it's moments like this that make your realize that you're watching a Seagal film post-2000.

In a random moment, one government official is built up as being a rival to Seagal's (for no good reason) and it all builds up to...the guy being shot in the head during an action scene.  Alright then.

I should also mention that the 'not vampires' use these blades...that appear to be made out of plastic.  How would that cut anything?  You couldn't even cut tension with that shit!

The 'not invasion' of these 'not space vampires' leads Seagal to team up with the military to take down the threat.  For the most part, these random soldiers suck.  At one point, they test a guy for being infected (a plot point involves the water being filled with 'the drug') and he passes.  A moment later, he kills three of them!

While the main characters have been Seagal, his best friend (his only real trait) and his old love-interest, the latter is killed off quickly before the finale.  In her place is...this Asian guy who has never appeared before.  What scenes did they cut that would have explained this?

Remember, this movie is totally not about vampires.  That's why the lead villain (for now) is posing on this pedestal like a vampire.  Of all the things to cut, you didn't cut this?

After his abrupt death, Seagal faces off with...another drug addict lady.  She was apparently the real villain behind this (in the original cut).  Here- she is just some woman who fights well, has a Korean stunt-double and has a scar that keeps switching sides due to Flipped Shots.  Evil is, of course, vanquished.  The End.

Either version of this film probably sucks.  The plot of this movie is a giant, confusing mess.  Since the layout I did was kind of odd (to fit the use of all my shots).  Basically, Seagal, his friend and some young guys go into town to do a mission (which is quickly abandoned).  After they pick up a prostitute, they are killed, leading the pair to find the source of it.  It all comes down to some drug dealer who worked for the government infecting people with a rage virus (of sorts).  Does this explain the people having super-strength, super-reflexes and these weird eyes that blink sideways (see pic above)?  No.  What does it explain it is the supposed plot that was actually shot.  Do I think that Seagal fighting space vampires would be awesome?  In theory, yes.  However, I've seen him fight regular vampires (who were mostly like zombies) before and that film sucked!  All of that said, the film is hilarious to watch.  Since the vampire aspect of the plot is so major, the voice dubbing for Seagal and others is constant and all over the place.  It's so silly that I can't help but recommend this to all you lovers of crap.  If you like good films, well, you already know to avoid Seagal films that weren't made in the '90s.  I'll leave you with this shot of the 'Alien Queen's' stunt-double engaging in a 'slap-fight' with Seagal...

Next up, the second film I watch solely because Chris Jericho is in it.  Naturally, his role is small and I'm left with Joey Lawrence!  Stay tuned...

VHS For The Win: Grizzly 2

Way back in the '80s, a sequel to Grizzly almost came to fruition.  Sadly, the money ran dry before 75% of the good stuff (i.e. bear effects) could be done.  As such, we only have this *recreated* box art for the film...

Don't you wish that this movie was actually finished?  Charlie Sheen, George Clooney and that bearded guy from Sliders fight a killer bear at a rock concert!  What a wasted opportunity!

P.S. I know this is more of a movie poster, but I wanted to include it.

Next up, aliens invade our beach parties and all hell breaks loose.  Is nothing sacred to you?!?  Stay tuned...

Impossibly-Cool Cover Art: Barbarian Queen

Roger Corman's Barbarian films are notable for their posters, with images right out of Frank Frazetta's sketch pad.  This is no exception...

Those women look hot, buff and dangerous!  It's just a shame that they are going to be spend most of the movie in the woods or in cheap castle sets.  We all know it's true!

Next up, a companion piece to the film...but with guys.  I should mention that this film is so obscure that even I haven't seen it!  Stay tuned...

Vampiros Mexicanos: The Vampire's Coffin

Once more into the South of the Border, my friends!  The sequel to El Vampiro/The Vampire is El Ataud Del Vampiro/The Vampire's Coffin.  What is new in this film?  As I mentioned in my teaser, a bit aspect of the film is *influenced* by 1953's House of Wax.  I guess that's not really a big deal, since that film is itself a remake of Mystery in the Wax Museum.  The vampire returns through a pretty familiar way, but also gets some new tricks up its sleeves.  It's hard to imagine why he didn't use them in the last movie.  Aside from that silliness, the film is a worthy sequel and worth checking out.  To see why, read on.  Whatever you do, don't open...

The 'crazy woman' from the first film is keeping close guard over the titular object.  Evidently, she knows that he can be revived about as easily as you can reheat yesterday's dinner!

Some graverobbers manage to steal the body and sell it to a doctor.  Conveniently enough, the man works with Abel Salazar, who has moved on from dressing like the guy from Casablanca.  He's not pleased with the plan to study the Vampire's body.

In spite of his protests, the Vampire indeed comes back to life.  He quickly finds a new hiding place in a Theater and gets some flunkies.  As you can see, he's very excited about it.

One of the Vampire's new powers is hypnosis via a medallion that I can't recall him wearing before.  He also wants to make this woman his concubine.  Who hasn't been there?

The House of Wax aspect comes from a good chunk of the movie taking place in a Wax Museum.  It's a bit more low-budget than the famous film.  However, this film does feature Torgo from Manos: The Hands of Fate.

Invisibility is another new trick in his arsenal.  That seems like it would have been useful as hell in the last film.  It makes you wonder why he doesn't just turn invisible when he goes inside the coffin!

Instead of the sword fight finale, we get a goofy bit involving our hero trying to hit the Vampire with a spear while he's flying around in bat form.  What kind of museum has real, working weapons in it?!?

In a pretty neat effect, the dead Vampire Bat turns back into a Vampire.  My question is this: how do you take him out of the wall without just resurrecting him again?  Since they seem to have only made two of these, that question will never be answered.  The End.

Twice shy!  The plot of this film is a bit more fun than that last once, since it had to do the usual set-up work.  That is one advantage of sequels is that you can just skip past all that and go into the action.  The movie doesn't quite take advantage of that fully, however, as they make use of the House of Wax stuff.  It's neat that they took the Vampire into the city and all, but I feel like they could have done a little more with it.  This is no Vampire in Brooklyn though- thank God!  I do like the Vampire's new powers and abilities as they help freshen things up for this film.  The atmosphere here is great and the pacing is still quite good.  Much like the last film, if you like your Vampire films old-school, you'll love this film.  Take us away, dancers that appear to be from another film...

Next up, I begin a week of Sci-Fi/Action films.  The first one is a Seagal film about vampires from outer space...I mean, drug addicts.  Stay tuned...

Poor Bastards of Cinema: The Warrior's Way

This is another Special Edition of Poor Bastards of Cinema as I highlight a member of the animal kingdom.

Our young hero is trained to be the greatest swordsman of all-time.  In a moment of niceness, his master gives him a dog.

Unfortunately, we see the real reason for this in a later flashback.  He's told that killers must have no mercy.  That means he must kill...

Have a heart, kid!  That's such a cute puppy.  There's absolutely no way that you could ever...

...never mind.  Poor puppy.  Poor cute puppy.  Poor dead, cute puppy.

Next up, a special look at the multiple victims with little build-up from Watchers.  These guys die to keep a plot going!  Stay tuned...

Vampiros Mexicanos: The Vampire

Mexico has gotten in on the act!  After numerous foreign Draculas, I thought it was time to take a trip South of the Border.  Thankfully, a nice DVD company released a pair of films that fit my exact criteria.  The first is El Vampiro or The Vampire.  What's interesting to me about this movie is just how stock it is, but especially because of when it was made.  This film was released just a short time before Hammer essentially re-wrote what a vampire film was supposed to be.  Much like X: The Unknown, it's a piece of film history...even if not too many people are aware of it.  I should also mention that the lead actor is played by the late Abel Salazar, the man who played the lead role in The Brainiac.  This movie was made a few years before that, so he doesn't actually the play the Vampire here.  He's instead played by German Robles, a man who would play one of the heroes in The Brainiac!  Five years is a big deal in Mexican film history apparently!  Since the movie treads a lot of the same material as other films, my synopsis will be a bit looser here.  Find some Mexican garlic to wear before the arrival of...

After an opening scene of the Vampire killing a young woman, we meet our heroes.  Abel is dressed like the guy from Casablanca and hitches a ride to a castle with a comely young woman.

German is ever the inviting host, allowing them to stay for a while.  Just stay out of the basement and don't question why he's shipping boxes of soil to himself.

Mysterious goings on occur in the house and it is often filled with smoke.  It's like they're always ready for a KISS concert!

Our heroine figures out what is going on when she does the old 'checking out the vampire in the mirror' trick.  Classic.

Keep ignoring the woman who warns you about the Vampire.  They never know what they're talking about, right?

It all comes down to a sword fight between our hero and the Vampire.  It comes to an abrupt end, however, and the crazy woman takes out the Vampire.  Not sure how to end a movie, huh?

Our two love-birds end up together, since we can't have too much horror in this horror movie.  The End.

Once bitten.  The plot of this movie is pretty basic, but it works.  It's a simple formula: nice people trapped in a house with a scary monster.  Will they make it out?  Of course, they will.  The fun is watching the action unfold and seeing just how they will deal with it.  As I mentioned before, the plot, pacing and overall feel is right out of the Universal horror films like Son of Dracula and House of Dracula.  The company behind the DVD release did a great job preserving and restoring this 50+ year old film.  The black-and-white transfer is crisp and clean.  As a bonus, you can watch the film in English or in Spanish, with or without dubbing.  Considering how many cheap DVDs there are out there containing old films- i.e. all of those 50 Movie Packs- it's nice to see one like this.  Does this film break the mold?  No, but it does fill it nicely.  That said, Abel looks really silly here...

Next up, the other Mexican Vampire film (that Netflix carries).  This one takes a bit from House of Wax...just because.  Stay tuned...