Old-School Forgotten Sequels: The Concorde- Airport '79

How can you tell when a series has been whored out?  A good way is to see that the only connections are a shared setting and one star.  Mind you, that star is not playing the same role in every film- he's just in them.  A second is when you begin to pile on the ridiculous moments.  At the point when the Disaster Film was beginning to die, this film came out and helped put a pile of dirt on the coffin.  Yes, for the purposes of the analogy, I bury people alive.  Plus, I do it in real life.  This film, like Beyond the Poseidon Adventure, was the mecca of stars in random, tiny roles.  Unfortunately, as the FOURTH Airport film, the pickings were a little slim.  This meant that they couldn't get Slim Pickens- zing!  The movie stars Alain Delon (a famous French actor), George Kennedy, Robert Wagner, David Warner, Eddie Albert and Charo.  Wow, they were desperate!  The movie involves, well, a Concorde jet and chaos that would ensue.  That's simple enough, I guess.  Get out your tiny bomb for my review of...

The film begins with preparation for a Concorde jet to take of.  Wow, you don't waste any time, huh?  We don't get much time to meet our cast either.  The Captain is Kennedy, his co-pilot is Delon and the Engineer is Warner.  I hope that there are no sliding panes of glass on board, David!  The flight goes well for a bit until they hit some bad air and are forced to land suddenly.  This segues into a news story featuring a reporter who looks like she would go on to turn into a werewolf on live television.  For some unknown reason, they cut to a story about a company who has made a remote control missile.  Is this the least subtle Chekov's Gun ever?  By the way, voice cameo by Spinal Tap and Simpson's star Harry Shearer as an unseen reporter telling the story.  Since we skipped it before, the film felt the need to introduce all of the characters and back-story now.  Kennedy is a widowed, hard-worker, while Delon is a smooth pimp (more on that later).  In addition, the lady reporter is having an affair with a man (Wagner), who apparently has some nefarious schemes in mind.  A man shows up at her door, only to be shot by another man moments later.  The guy is a terrible shot, so she manages to escape and board the plane.  Oh good, now you're just endangering all of the other passengers with you?  At least there aren't a bunch of Russian athletes on board whose death would set off a nuclear war.  There are?  Oh shit...

If you wanted to see goofy, you came to the right place.  Amongst the passengers are an old singer, J.J. Walker (aka the 'Dy-no-mite' guy) and a Russian athlete bringing his deaf daughter on board.  Tell me there's not a patient waiting for an organ transplant and said organ is on board, at least.  I've got to stop doing that to myself!  To silence the woman with evidence against him, Wagner and his group of evil people fire their missile at the plane in an attempt to take it down.  This leads to an aerial chase and dodge sequence that is alright, but nothing special.  The digital effects are alright, but the objects always look pasted onto the aerial shots, as opposed to actually moving.  This chase is ridiculous too, as they do all they can to avoid the heat seeking missile.  They even come up with the ridiculous plan of flying upside down and having Delon fire a flare out the open window!  I can't express in words how bizarre and illogical that is!  It doesn't work, either, as they manage to fire the flare inside of the ship inside!  They eventually do the 'cut off the engine' trick to dodge the missile and fly into Paris.  After this, the crew and passengers get off for their stop.  Yes, that's what would happen after an event like that!  Kennedy and Delon unwind with a double date, which ends well for Kennedy.  Unfortunately, he learns that his date was a prostitute...which he has no problem with.  Oh yeah, someone puts a bomb on the plane too.

The final part of the trip goes off without a hitch.  The trip is smooth, the air is clean and the banter is strong.  Well, except for the part where the bomb goes off and opens up the lower part of the hull.  I probably should mention that part, huh?  The usual chaos ensues- panic, yelling and shaking of the set.  It wouldn't be a disaster film without the set shaking, would it?  This is a very tense and dramatic finale, except that you've seen it three other times.  Plus, you know that the people won't die.  The plane crashes into the mountain and the rescuers come.  As the people exit the plane, the movie abruptly ends.  Who wanted sub-plots to be resolved?  The End.

This movie...is also not good.  The plot is pretty generic, which is what happens when you come upon your fourth 'airplane disaster' film within about five years.  I get that these movies did well, but there should be a limit on these things!  Hell, just throw in Godzilla or something.  Throw me a damn bone!  Most of the characters exist merely to pull at your heart strings and pad out the run-time.  Does J.J. Walker really add anything to the story?  No.  Good try though, movie.  The special effects are alright, but nothing special.  Like I said, they feel really cheap sometimes.  Nothing is all that funny though, so it's not really a film you'd watch for that.  That said, if you've seen Airplane and/or Airplane II, you'll find some laughs at the movie's pile of cliches.  If you want to see the source of the more direct cliches though, watch Airport '75 or Airport '77.  The whole 'bomber' plot from Airplane II: The Sequel comes right from one of those films.  I will say this: if you ever wanted to see a film starring a famous, French actor and the partner from Naked Gun films, this is probably the only one.

Next up, what happens when you make a sequel to Cold War comedy that nobody remembers?  You get a film that's even more obscure and esoteric, of course!  Stay tuned...

Lost in Translation: Fight Club

There are certain stories by certain authors that define things like 'rebellion' and 'anti-social behavior.'  Poland, however, comes along to do their part too...

Brad Pitt is...Midnight Cowboy.  That or Bryan Adams during his 'fashion phase.'  Anyone remember that abomination?

Next up, one of the most respected sequels of all-time gets the LiT treatment.  Big shock- it's Polish!  Stay tuned...

Old-School Forgotten Sequels: Beyond the Poseidon Adventure

Hey, do you remember disaster films?  Much like Westerns, this sub-genre continues to come back every few years to see if they can be revived.  Examples over the last ten years or so include Dante's Peak, The Day After Tomorrow and Poseidon.  It's funny that I mention this convenient fact because that last film is a remake of Irwin Allen's original film.  After a series of hit films by Allen- including The Towering Inferno- he made a sequel.  Sadly, this film was not a hit and helped spell the end of the disaster genre.  Well, that AND the film that you'll see tomorrow.  How can one film set up a genre for long-term success and another signal it's demise?  That's Hollywood for you!  For the uninitiated, the Disaster film is a movie about some sort of major, traumatic event that always includes a giant ensemble of actors.  In this film, you get Michael Caine, Karl Malden, Sally Field, Peter Boyle, Jack Warden, Shirley Jones, Slim Pickens and Telly Savalas.  Is that enough for you?  The film is also a direct sequel to the original film, but this brings with it some certain problems.  Get out your deadly stock footage for my review of...

The film begins with a small boat going through a storm in possibly one of the least convincing effects shots in human history.  Basically, the trio of Caine, Field and Malden are on a boat model that shakes back and forth in front of a screen as hoses randomly spray water at them.  Yeah, it doesn't fool anyone.
They lose their cargo in the storm that night and, in the morning, Malden explains how he picked up Field in a bar & offered to let her go with them.  They see a French rescue helicopter fly past them and infer that a salvage job must be near.

Just to note: that helicopter is supposed to be the rescue one from the ending of the original film and carrying the survivors.  Of course, that film was made in 1972 and this one was made in 1979.  Slowest rescue ever!

They show up & are joined by Telly Savalas and his crew of doctors.  Wow, what a convenient arrival!  They both go inside via the hole that the original survivors escaped through & quickly meet up with some survivors.

At this point, the group splits up.  Gee, why would Savalas want to be alone in the ship with just his flunkies?  Odd.

Rather than a plot, I'd rather give you a rundown of the characters, since the film is mostly about them...
* Peter Boyle is a protective father who is bossy and looking for his daughter.  He eventually finds her, along with...
* A young Mark Harmon playing a farmer stud from Iowa.  He's a romantic item for her and surprisingly-good with a machine gun later.
* Shirley Jones plays a Nurse.  She does nurse stuff, but mostly just reacts to the events.
* Slim Pickens plays a rich Texan who is called, you guessed it, Tex.  That's creative.
* Jack Warden plays a blind man who is taken to the rescue point alongside his doting, but strong wife.
* Karl Malden's assistant character has a secret: he's dying of a disease that they never bother to name.

==========

The group wanders around the ship, but eventually learns that Savalas has a secret.  You'd never have guessed, but he's a bad guy!

After a shoot-out between our heroes and Savalas' crew, we learn the truth.  The Poseidon was carrying a whole cache of weapons and even some nuclear material!  Considering that this was a cruise ship, why did it have all of that?  On top of that little fact, the ship was also carrying a safe full of gold and bort (aka unrefined diamonds)!  WHY?!?

A couple people get picked off in the fight and the ensuing escape from the ship, including Boyle and Warden's wife.  Must resist urge to make 'he didn't see that coming' joke.  They escape through a hidden door and dive out of a hole in the side of the ship.  Keep an eye out for everyone's stunt doubles doing all the diving, especially Pickens and Warden.  Before the finale escape, we learn that Pickens was lying about being rich.  You know what that means, right?  Yeah, he dies.  The remaining group manages to swim over to Caine's ship and drive away.

Moments later, more stock footage explosions go off and the Poseidon is completely destroyed.  What a way to die, huh Telly?  Caine is depressed that they lost all of the gold, but Field reveals that she hid a piece of bort in her blouse.  This leads to...the pair kissing.  Dude, you're 13 years her senior!  The End.

This movie is not that good.  It doesn't really suck, to be honest, but it's definitely not a classic.  It's a pretty formulaic plot.  In fact, it's mostly the same plot as the original, only with the terrorist element thrown in and the group going down the ship, as opposed to up it. Of course, they end up going back up nearly the same path, so that's kind of a moot point.  The real star here is the elaborate set design and the shaky, destructive nature of it.  Watch a film like this and then check out a movie like Sky Captain and the World of Tomorrow. Spot the difference?  These movies are mostly just an excuse to throw as many stars as humanly possible into one film and see what sticks.  Most of the characters are fairly one-note, although some actors involved make it feel like more.  As much as I love Michael Caine, his character's sudden shift is not exactly explained and really feels forced.  The movie really works in the more subtle moments like those involving Malden.  Ironically, Caine would star in this and the other film synonymous with the Disaster Film's demise- The Swarm.  Note to self: don't cast Michael Caine in my film about a tornado that causes a flash flood to strike a Pre-Natal Ward for Cancer patients and Burn Victims!  There's a reason that this movie is not as well-regarded as other films from the genre: it's just alright- nothing more.

Next up, another '70s sequel to a disaster film comes our way.  This one has a cast that includes legendary French actors, genre staples and the partner from Naked Gun.  Stay tuned...  

VHS For The Win: Demon Witch Child

Don't look now, kid- but there's something behind you.  I think it might be bad considering that you're on a VHS box titled...

Demon demon on the wall, who's the cutest of them all?  That is one ugly poster of Gene Simmons, although they got the tongue right.

Next up, one of America's most famous cryptids makes an appearance here.  He ain't so big though.  Stay tuned...

Old-School Forgotten Sequels: The Return of the King (Animated)

When you start off with a piece of shit movie, it's rare that you can make something good for its sequel.  Mind you, it can happen.  Some sequels can be better (Candyman 2) and some can end up being bigger (Aliens 2).  It's very rare, however, to get one that dramatically jumps in quality over the other one.  That leads into today's film: The Return of the King...from 1980.  This movie is follow-up to the Rankin-Bass film that royally-screwed up the J.R.R. Tolkkien story that has delighted readers for half a century.  From cutting down the Mines of Moria section down to five minutes to making Samwise the ugliest creature ever born to making Gandalf into 'a wildly-flailing prophet of doom,' the film disappointed many.  This is the same people that helped make the classic Watership Down and the often-overlooked Fire & Ice, so they could have done so much better.  Allow me to set your standards to the proper level in four words: it is a musical.  Much better.  Get out your death eclipse for my review of...

The film begins, oddly enough, with Bilbo Baggins' birthday.  He is 129 years old and a bit forgetful.  This sets up the film proper, in which the entire finale of the tale is explained to him by Gandalf.  Just to note: this is only the third part of the story, as the first two are truncated together in the original film.  They begin by explaining the events of 'The Hobbit,' a story which Bilbo was the main character in!  It begins with Frodo having already been captured by the Orcs, Strider off somewhere, Merry off recruiting Theoden for help and the others awaiting the final battle at Minas Tirith.  All hope seems lost as Samwise (voiced by Roddy McDowall) can't get into the evil castle and decides to destroy the ring himself.  See ya, Frodo!  He has a change of heart and manages to get in, finding most of the Orcs dead.  It seems that they have killed each other in a battle over Frodo's cloak- which he didn't have with him!  Yeah, it seems that he left his sword, his cloak and THE ONE RING simply lying on the ground outside.  He gets inside by scaring one of the few Orcs left thanks to The One Ring and it's power to make him glow when he stands dramatically.  I don't know- just go with it.  Meanwhile, Gandalf and Pippin- who is a freaking mutant!- have no hope, especially when the King explaisn that evil ships are on the way.  Dun dun dun!

A mighty, non-rotoscoped battle ensues at Tirith & the tide shifts back and forth a few times.  Theoden shows up with Merry to save the day, although that is short-lived.  It seems that Sauron can blot out the sun, which apparently scares Theoden's horse, causing it to buck him and INSTANTLY KILL HIM!  No, really.  During all of this, Samwise and Frodo wander around the enemy territory, clevely-disguised in Orc clothing...which somehow fits them.  Samwise also shows off his magical potion that blinds the magic door guards, despite not actually being poured out in any way.  Frodo gets a bit 'emo,' but Samwise helps him push through.  They over-sleep one night, however, and end up in an Orc line.  This leads to an infamous musical number called 'Where There's A Whip, There's A Way.'  Hello, fast-forward button.  At Tirith, the Witch King and his head made out of smoke show up to kill Theoden's daughter, who stands up to him.  He is defeated when Merry backstabs it and she cuts it's non-head off.  She says 'I avenged you, father,' which is a bit of stretch to me.  You basically got your ass kicked until a hobbit stabbed the thing and you 'picked the bones.'  Back with Frodo, he has a long, story-recapping dream and a fantasy about returning to the Shire.  Thanks, but that accomplishes nothing.  That was about as useful as Samwise's 'ring-inspired' fantasy of being a leader.  Creative, but pointless. 

The final stretch proves alternately way too easy and way too hard.  The Orcs regroup when the famous ships come down the river, but give up when they are revealed to be Strider and his army.  How did those green sails appear to be black again?  Back with Frodo and Samwise, they are stopped by Gollum, who appears to be a giant frog here.  Not sure about that choice, but, whatever.  After a short scuffle, they elude him and go into the volcano.  Frodo goes all super-evil on us for a minute before Gollum returns to bite that ring off of his finger.  It takes the powerful object and skips away, TRIPPING AND FALLING INTO MOUNT DOOM!  You're kidding, right?  This interrupts a threat of a fight between the force of good- now led by Gandalf and Strider- and a host of barely-drawn in Orcs.  Thankfully, about a million eagles (of unusual size) show up to carry all of the people away, including Frodo and Sam.  Back home, Frodo has another emo trip and asks to ride off with Gandalf, Bilbo and the Elves since 'the weight of the Ring has aged him beyond his years.'  Gandalf agrees and the group leaves the others behind, including Legolas and Gimli, who were apparently cut for time.  The End.

 This movie sucks and it's pretty obvious why.  The plot uses the actual story has a general idea, but otherwise goes off on it's own tangents.  Were the dream sequences necessary for a story this long?  In addition, the changes to the story are kind of irritating.  The One Ring is destroyed by mere happenstance.  You've got to be kidding me!  Strider's quest to become the true King is just kind of ignored and he shows up as the King, with no build-up.  Plus, you cut Gimli and Legolas out of the story for no good reason- for shame!  How will I know who has Gimli's axe now?!?  The animation alternates between being really good and really bad.  In fact, the summary bits from 'The Hobbit' are actually quite good, but the rest doesn't match up.  You also get some gorgeous background shots, while others are decent ones that get dragged across by a static camera.  It's not animation if things aren't moving- it's a painting!  I've been avoiding the elephant in the room, so here it is: I hate the songs from this movie!  They are constant, annoying and are often pointless.  Every time the Ring glows, they play the same refrain- "The wearer of The Ring, the bearer of The Ring."  You can't rhyme 'Ring' with 'Ring!'  The point of making it a musical is completely lost on me.  Mind you, this is the same movie that has people doing monologues to themselves for minutes on end, rather than just SAYING THINGS.  The second they introduced a nameless Minstrel as a character, I knew that all hope was lost.  Yet again, they had the chance to make something great and just made something embarassing.  I'll say this: Thank you, Peter Jackson.

Up next, a classic, Irwin Allen disaster movie gets a sequel.  On the plus side, it has exploding stock footage and Kojak.  Stay tuned...

Instant Asylum Trash: The Day The Earth Stopped

It's weird to consider that The Asylum has apparently only gotten threatened with a lawsuit on a few occasions.  Considering the titles of such films as Street Racer or Alien vs. Hunter, it's astounding.  In 2008, they decided to get some bang for their buck by copying a movie made fifty years ago.  Oh right, it had a CG-filled remake too.  As far as that film, it's good, but not great.  A lot of the CG is kind of just there to be showy and the updates don't add a whole lot.  On the plus side, John Cleese plays a rare, dramatic role.  I suppose I should talk about this movie.  Well, it stars C. Thomas Howell and was also directed by him.  That's all I really need to say, right?  Get out your burrowing lasers for my review of...

The film begins with some soldiers hanging out and kind of just being dicks.  I guess we're supposed to get to know the characters, huh?  The 'excitement' is broken up by some mysterious energy signatures crashing into the Earth.  The guys get into their military-issued SUVs- why not- and go investigating.  The source is a pair of naked people that crashed out there and are wandering around.  Let's go right into ripping off a film- Lifeforce.  Thanks for making one of them a dude, movie.  After a chase, the pair end up in the clutches of the military.  Right after that, the thought of waterboarding these guys is interrupted by the arrival of giant robots in the middle of all the major cities on Earth.  Wow, cool!  What do they do?  If you guessed, 'stand there and do nothing,' you would be right.  By the way, I would just love to see the meeting the company had with their FX guy.

***

"I can make your giant robots, but I'll need another $10 million to make them do stuff," the guy said.
"$10 million, huh?  You can't do it for any less?"
"Nope.  $10 million," he says sharply.
"Oh, I see," The Asylum owner says, "So standing around works for us."

The government doesn't take too kindly to the invaders and begins to question the alien humanoids.  Of course, they make them put some damn clothes on first.  The female one does most of the talking, since she's apparently the lead.  She explains that the Earth will be destroyed in one day by the robots.  They're going to fire a series of lasers into the Earth's core and stop our rotation, hence the title.  The lady takes a shine to the guard (Howell) and begins to read his mind.  Points off for a line saying that the woman 'looks like Angelina Jolie' though.  I would have gone with 'Carmen Electra's even-sluttier cousin' myself.  She bonds with Howell, who agrees to let her go in order to let her achieve her goal and save the Earth.  That goal: see proof that the Earth deserves to be saved.  As a bonus, an angel gets his wings every time she does that too.  Seriously, this is a real plot point in this film!  Howell escapes with her and they drive around the same Los Angeles locations that you would later see in Transmorphers 2.  Lazy much?  Oh yeah, they get carjacked and go to a Church.  Let's just pretend that any of this is interesting and/or relevant.

After a lot of filler, we get some actual action.  Okay- I lied.  Some guys fire a gun at one of the robots and it zaps them.  They do drop a nuclear bomb on one, but it doesn't work.  Any other bright ideas, Einstein?!?  Our heroes wander around for a bit and stumble across a man and his wife, who is about to go into labor.  Hey look- it's Judd Nelson!  Way to finally appear in the movie at the hour mark, especially given that you have second Above-the-Title Billing!  They go into a garage and deliver the child, but the woman dies.  Our heroine uses her magic/alien powers to bring her back to life though, thanks to...um, some lights being put on High in the background.  She agrees to save the Earth, but just needs to get back to her ship/giant robot book end.  She gets shot, however, and taken back to the base.  After a soulful scene shot in silhouette, the gruff commander gets on board and helps them escape...again.  This leads to a climactic scene where the pair drive in their SUV & argue with the other man on his phone...while he's about six feet behind them in his car.  He shoots Howell when he tries to leave, which the other man does nothing to stop.  Thanks for the help!  The giant robot nonchalantly shoots him and the day is saved.  I guess Howell lives too or something.  The End.

This movie sucks balls!  The plot is stupid and mostly rips off the actual film.  You guys usually put in one or two elements from the film and then just make the rest of the shit up.  What inspired the change?  The special effects that you actually get are decent, but that's about it.  No giant robot action, no military assaults and nothing to speak of in general.  So much of this film is dreary and, more importantly, insistent.  Like the worst Ed Wood films, it really thinks that it has a lot to say.  News Flash: you don't!  Having the government talk about collateral damage is okay, but really forced.  That brings up the biggest point: the characters are all cardboard cut-outs!  They have no real personality to them other than what was assigned to them in the script.  It's called acting- look it up!  I wish that there was more to say about this movie, but there isn't.  Did you not notice me doing a 'bit' in the first paragraph?  Fun fact: the following screenshot was not made by me, but totally fits in with what I would have done.  Thanks, internet.

Next up, we begin a look at some Old-School Forgotten Sequels.  First up, the sequel to an animated abomination that sullies the name of a famous book series- now with constant singing.  Stay tuned...

'Great Minds Think Alike' Cover Art: AvP/M-SvC

There are only so many cool catchphrases one can think up.  Regardless, it's still a bad sign when a pretty famous one is re-used.  For example...

Ah yes, this pile of fanboy excitement and severe disappointment.  It did spawn a great tag-line, however, which would find it's way here...

They're so proud of the tagline that both creatures appear seconds away from taking a bite out of it!  I wish I could say that I was surprised by this, but...these people made The 9/11 Commission Report.  'Nuff said.

Even so, *sigh.*

Lock Me Up!: Allan Quatermain and the Temple of Skulls

Wow, this has been a really long week, hasn't it?  Don't worry- the pain will be over soon.  After Saturday, we'll move on to a brand new kind of pain.  In the meantime, enjoy this shitty Asylum movie.  When the world heard that they were going to make another Indiana Jones film, most people were super-excited.  People like me, were a bit more sublimated.  In the end, the film was a giant mess that contained some good moments that people tend to want to focus on instead of, for example, Indy's son swinging on vines like Tarzan.  Given the hype about the film, you just know that The Asylum guys were salivating.  They went back and dug out a film character that hadn't had a major film since the mid-80s, not counting the TV movie with Patrick Swayze.  The film we got is somewhat of a remake of King Solomon's Mines, but with the usual Asylum tweaking (read: messing up).  A tweaked-remake of a film story that is not exactly good to begin with- yea.  On the plus side, they did apparently shoot in South Africa.  Yeah, I still don't care.  Get out your magical glove for my review of...

The film begins with a pair of old-timey guys wandering around in South Africa before one of them finds a map.  He tries to hide it, but gets a gun pointed to his head by the friend.  Oddly, they make up mere seconds later and agree to separate with their two halves.  Sure- why not?!?  The mustachioed man is blocked by a group of villagers, who kill him by throwing a CG spear.  How do you throw that exactly?  In the present day (of the film, mind you), our hero is out on the countryside.  By the way, I hope you like these views of the countryside, because they get more screen time than all of the stars and the plot!  Basically, Allan gets hired by a woman and a guy to help them find a treasure.  On the train ride there, they run afoul of some trouble when a truck is parked on the track.  Since their vehicle can't seem to go over twenty miles per hour, they have to stop.  This is where we get to meet our villain: a creepy, old guy.  I'm sure that there's more to his character, but I can't muster the interest.  We get some 'will they, won't they' moments between Allan and the lady as well- who's surprised?  In addition, we get a shoot out between Allan and some men in which the guns make a very minor bang.  Who brought pop guns to the set?

Holy crap, the middle of this movie is so boring.  I seriously fell asleep twice watching this- in the middle of the day!  The Asylum only works in one real CG moment here- save for the spear- and it involves a swarm of flies.  Oh, how interesting.  Allan flirts, the girl acts sour and their guide makes vague statements that are clearly not setting up a later event.

The group ends up in an authentic-looking village, but the bad guy got there first.  He uses the group's power to sway things in his favor and get into the Temple.  Before that, the villagers show off their cool toy: a glove that allows you to rip someone's skull off of their body!  That's so cool that...the movie ignores it until the finale.  Seriously, why isn't that the focus of the movie?!?  Inside the Temple, we learn how it got its name: it has about six skulls piled up in one corner.  Naturally!  He holds the woman hostage as he confronts Allan.  He tells the guy to let the woman go and they can fight- so the bad guy shoots her in the head.  This leads to the final fight between Allan and the man & boy is it shitty!  Seriously, I've been in staged fights that looked better!  In the end, Allan uses the glove from earlier- why was it there exactly?!?- to kill the man.  He mourns the loss of the woman, but, shockingly, she's alive.  How?  Because she had a metal band around her head.  Screw you, properties of metal!  They return to the village and learn that their guide was actually the Queen of the tribe.  Okay then.  The End.

This movie sucks- even by comparison to the other Allan Quatermain films!  Seriously, this movie has nothing all that interesting to do or say.  I can usually rely on The Asylum to fill a dull movie with silly effects- see The Land That Time Forgot.  This film- not so much.  Why can't they see that their movies are boring as hell when they don't bother to put in the funny crap?  Apparently they spent all of the money flying people out to South Africa to film a snoozer of a flick instead.  You know what this movie needed?  A scene where a man is eaten by CG ants.  How about a bit where they reference the first Indiana Jones movie with no payoff?  I know- a scene where a dead actor from the series gets a cameo as a statue who gets his head knocked off!  I would rather watch Harrison Ford be launched across the country by a series of nuclear bomb explosions than endure this crap again.  Let's just move on with our lives now...

Up next, we end Asylum Week with a bit of Instant Asylum Trash.  Let's wrap the whole week up with one of the few films that almost got the company sued.  Stay tuned...
  

'Deep Blue Sea' Moments: Puppet Master 3

It's rare that I find another one of these so shortly after the last one, so let's enjoy the serendipity...

Andre Toulon and company are running for their lives from the Nazis.  One of the villains turns towards a door, only to get filled full of tiny lead by Six-Shooter and dies.  A man (Ian Abercrombie of Seinfeld fame) walks over the body and confirms that he is dead.

Seconds later, the Nazi pulls his knife out and stabs the man.

Immediately after that, he does the classic 'Kung-Fu' death move and dies...again.

Note to self: don't talk near a Nazi- it's bad for your health.

And no, I don't get the logic of how that was supposed to work.

Lock Me Up!: King of the Lost World

Apes are always good for a laugh.  As this site has proven with films like Konga and Link, they can be scary too.  Obviously, the most famous killer ape is King Kong, the ruler of Skull Island.  The character has a rich history, going from the original film to the 2005 film by Peter Jackson.  Along the way, he appeared in an RKO sequel, two Toho films, a film by the now-late Dino De Laurentis and a Japanese sequel that may or may not have existed.  Speaking of the 2005 film, there is another film with a giant ape that came out around the same time: this one.  This alleges to be a version of the famous Lost World story by Sir Arthur Conan Doyle.  I've seen many version of this tale (including the 1925 film) & this is hardly one of them.  I guess the only qualifier is that you have to be on an island somewhere and have giant insects/dinosaurs there.  Random note: Sarah 'embarrassing close-up from Monster' Lieving is here too.  Kill me now, please.  In spite of that, can this film give you a fun, pulp-filled time?  Get out your very important briefcase for my review of...

The film begins with a shadow of a plane flying by and crashing on an island...off-camera.  The survivors work their way out of the wreck and I begin to get a feeling of deja vu.  Never mind the fact that they did nothing to set up these people before the crash or anything!  One of them- a flight attendant- somehow ends up stuck in a tree, whereupon she is attacked by a giant ape!  I don't know how she got there or how she got so far away that nobody saw or heard the ape, but I'm sure that there's a reason.  The group begins to split up into the usual cliches, including the 'I'm in charge' guy, the 'why are you in charge' guy and the 'let's just stop fighting' girl.  Figured out what they're ripping off yet?  It's Lost!  The film is just one Sawyer, Chinese lady and fat guy away from being the show.  To fill in the 'Locke' role, they cast Bruce Boxleitner as the Captain, who is hiding a secret that may relate to that briefcase he carries with him.  As far as the lead guy, we get 'Van Helsing' from Dracula's Curse- yea.  The group agrees to split up and seek out the front of the plane, since it has the black box.  Amongst the group that stays, there is both the lead actor from Dracula's Curse (not Van Helsing) and the neighbor from War of the Worlds.  Gee, I wonder what's going to happen to them, he asks knowingly.  The others wander around for a bit until a spider attacks them.  It is bested easily, however, so why should we care?  On the plus side, it does distract me from Sarah Lieving's acting...

We get more wandering, before we cut back to the people left behind to see- big surprise- some villagers attack them.  Apparently the film cares about them as much as I do & stays on this scene for about fifteen seconds.  The important people find the front of the plane, but it's full of foliage.  Before I cry 'plot hole,' they explain that this is not the front of their plane.  Oh, this is apparently the popular spot for planes to crash.  This is an actual plot point that they steal from Lost directly.  Of course, since Lost hadn't explained it this plot point in 2005 (not the actual explanation to come later would be good), the people behind this film don't either!  A small plot point with Sarah Lieving being scratched earlier, but not getting help comes and resolves itself within about two minutes.  What point did it serve?  'Not Locke' is acting very suspicious, even going so far as to point his gun at a guy for touching the briefcase.  Does the guy mention it to anyone?  Nope.  Big-Lipped Alligator Moment?  Oh look, more of the group get randomly-abducted by villagers.  Don't worry- no leads get taken.  Fun side note: one of the guys taken is the soldier guy from War of the Worlds.  He didn't show up before, so where the hell did he come from?  He's like the Science Teacher guy who agreed to go out and find the dynamite on Lost.  He was apparently just off-camera for the first year and a half, huh?  It's as dumb here as it was there.  Oh look, a Kong footprint...by itself...huh?

This movie has 'back,' choosing to stick all the explanation into the last thirty minutes or so.  Our heroes escape a cave full of CG scorpions, although the Vampire Lord guy from Dracula's Curse dies when he goes back for Sarah's camera.  Feel bad, lady?  They end up in the clutches of some villagers, who set up the three women for a ceremony.  The Flight Attendant lady signed the 'Nudity Allowed' waiver and gets painted up, while Sarah did not- hurray?  The group is put in a cave where they meet a crazed guy played, shockingly enough, by Steve Railsback.  Still glad that you did Helter Skelter after thirty years of typecasting, Steve?  He sets up a plot point involving setting up a radio to call for help, but that goes nowhere.  We learn that Boxleitner was so paranoid because he's on a mission to retrieve a lost nuke and he had the detonator in the case.  Why did you bring that exactly?!?  He has a back-story with one villager, but that just leads up to a fight- yawn.  In the end, the guys are laid out for a sacrifice to some pterodactyls (you again) and, shock of all shocks, the neighbor guy gets killed.  King Kong shows up again, since he had to justify his appearance on the DVD cover.  He kills Railsback and a bunch of people, while our heroes escape.  Thank you, plot point about the woman being converted- only to turn out that she wasn't.  Boxleitner dies from wounds he didn't get in the fight & gives the detonator to our hero, who blows up a giant ape with a tactical nuclear bomb!  Of course, they're also stuck- The End.

This movie sucks- even with a giant ape in it.  The plot is dumb and barely-explained.  Shall I break down the many questions like I usually do?  Okay, since you asked nicely.  Why do planes crash here?  Why did they send their agent (Boxleitner) in the guise of a pilot, as opposed to a passenger?  Did they plan around the plane crashing and, if so, did they have a way off for him?  Why are there dinosaurs, giant spiders or King freaking Kong here?  It's not another dimension or a lost island under the Earth- it's just an island!  You would think that people would have occasionally run across this place and said 'Oh shit- why are giant things here?'  So many plot points here just serve as filler and the cast is just completely-random.  By the way, good job taking the cast of your Dracula movie & just putting them in your King Kong rip-off!  Seriously, did they wrap the film and go 'So, who wants to be in a Jungle Peril film?'  The special effects are terrible, with the hight point being the Kong.  Despite slapping his body on the cover, he barely appears here and looks like shit the whole time.  One funny part: a group of jets attack Kong (it's in the contract) while one of them apparently doesn't notice him.  He flies his plane, looks at Kong and goes 'Oh shit!'  Really?  Another funny bit is the woman who holds her skirt down during a scene where they're running from Kong.  Yes, it's important to not let people see your Ladybird Johnson instead of living!  Hi, Fourth Wall!  There are some unintentional laughs here, but it's not quite enough.  By the way, I could not possibly have planned for the timing of this review's release.

Next up, The Asylum dares to make a rip-off of a film that dramatically failed to meet fan expectations.  Don't worry- they find a way to make it worse.  Stay tuned...

R.I.P. Dino

Unfortunately, I have to report another loss for the film world....

Dino De Laurentis is a name synonymous with film production.  The consummate businessman, Dino produced so many films that it would almost be easier to list the films that he didn't.  They include...
* Flash Gordon (1980)
* Conan the Barbarian
* Death Wish
* King Kong (1976)
* Barbarella
* Manhunter


While not all of his films are classics, his legacy is set.  Without him and Robert Evans, it's hard to imagine any film got made in the '70s and '80s.  He will be missed.

Don't Buy The DVD!: War of the Worlds 2

Well, I haven't picked on The Asylum enough this week, so let's bring back an old segment to do it some more!

The DVD doesn't contain a lot of Special Features.  Mostly, it's just the usual- Commentary, Making Of, Trailers, etc.  There is one thing to note...

Oh boy, what kind of 'magic' is there behind C. Thomas Howell?  I can't wait to...

Oh, it's a short video of him doing magic tricks on the set.  You know, because he's a magician now.  I assume you all watched VH1's Celebracadabra, right?  How could you possibly miss this...

Yeah, I thought not!

Seriously though, who the hell cares?!?

Lock Me Up!: The Land That Time Forgot

If there is one thing that The Asylum seems to love, it's the Tyrannosaurus Rex.  This dinosaur predator is probably the most famous one ever discovered & is a common thing in cinema.  The dinosaur has appearances a 'heavy' going back to the original King Kong!  A whole slew of Asylum films use the thing, including this film, 100 Million B.C. and Sherlock Holmes.  The key thing to understand about this film is that it was made to copy off of the then-recent film Land of the Lost.  While I think it's great, the film was not even close to a hit.  Good call, guys!  The star power we get is C. Thomas Howell (who also directs) and Timothy Bottoms.  Bottoms is a comic who got famous about ten years ago for his George W. Bush impression.  After the series That's My Bush (a silly, but good show) got cancelled in the wake of 9/11, he found another avenue for that impression: D/C 9/11.  This is a serious drama about the President, so, of course, they hire the guy who played him on a sitcom parody!  I mention all of this because the movie is so dull.  Get out your self-reloading flare gun for my review of...

The film begins with our heroes riding out on a boat.  The group is a bit odd, consisting of three fairly-young people and C. Thomas Howell.  Who invited the creepy uncle?  In addition, there is a drunken boat captain (Bottoms) and his young helper.  While the group- save for the boat owners- are asleep, a portal appears in the middle of the ocean.  After this weird event, they...cut to the next day.  Yeah, they can't afford to show the ship go through the portal, so the film just kind of skips that part.  The group approach an island and can't agree who should go and who should stay.  Eventually, Howell's wife agrees to stay alone, saying that she'll fire the flare gun if trouble arises.  In a bit of foreshadowing, the movie shows the shadow of a giant squid swim under the boat and move on.  The woman does the one cliche that I always hate to see: the 'I saw something move out of view, so I'll proceed to tell everyone to look' bit.  That's so dumb!  The group go out and explore, before the young guy goes onto a ledge.  He sees some pterodactyls fly by, causing him to fall off and die.  They don't touch him- they just seem to destroy his equilibrium, leading to the fall.  Oh yeah, they eat him, sending our heroes fleeing.  Remember the part in the beginning about the T-Rex?  Yeah, he's here now too.

Our heroes run back when they see the flare be fired...from behind a mountain, but find the boat empty.  They wander around back on land for a bit, which helps pad out the runtime a bit.  Eventually, they flee from another dinosaur attack, only for Howell to get knocked out.  When he awakens, the group is chatting with a man in anachronistic clothing.  As they figure out, the island is apparently the center of a time-warp, thus solidifying the only real link to Land of the Lost.  Sure, it has a T-Rex and a jungle, but so does Jurassic Park!  He takes them through the swamps- it's a very rich island, apparently- and across a river, where the younger lead gets attacked by some sort of sea snake.  They fend it off with ease and meet up with a man who is the sole survivor of a boat crash from the 1950s.  Oddly, he's been there longer than their guide, who is from the 1940s.  Time-travel sure is confusing, huh?  They show them to a cave full of Nazis (why exactly?!?) who just so happen to be holding a hostage: Howell's wife.  The younger island native sets up an elaborate plan to free her.  First step: taunt a T-Rex into attacking the Nazis!  Thank you, horrible-looking and out-of-scale CG model.  During the attack, there is also a shoot-out with our heroes.  This goes on so long that they forget about the T-Rex, who apparently just leaves.  In the midst of that, the two stranded men knock out Bottoms and escape in the raft before...nothing bad happens to them.  No squid in sight.

Once the two groups realize that they are stuck, they just sort of agree to get along.  It takes a bit of work, but much less than you would think when this involves Nazis.  Conveniently, one of the Nazis speaks English and explains that their U-Boat needs repairs in order to escape.  In a footprint of the T-Rex's, they discover oil residue and devise a plan.  They have to lure the T-Rex from his home and kill him in order to refine the crude for their ship.  Conveniently enough, the drunk captain is also an expert at the refining process and the Nazis have the equipment to do so.  Their plan to kill the T-Rex involves luring it to the shore- by throwing small explosives at it- and firing a torpedo from the U-Boat.  Torpedoes don't work that way!  This fails, so the younger lead rips off the ending from Jaws 3 to blow the beast up.  As a bonus, they recycle the 'T-Rex emerges from the foliage shot' from before.  After a montage, the group is almost ready to go.  Unfortunately, a second T-Rex shows up and kills one Nazi (see Poor Bastards of Cinema) before nearly-killing another.  Howell spots it and fires a flare (without them showing it ever being reloaded or retrieved from the boat) at a sealed oil drum, causing a giant explosion!  This movie would give the Mythbusters a coronary!  He ends up being stuck behind, but manages to kill the T-Rex.  The group apparently can't just stop the U-Boat in water, so they leave him and his wife behind.  Do they make it?  We aren't shown.  It's more important to show Howell and his wife raising a family on the island, apparently!  The End.

This movie sucks!  The plot is stupid and not exactly fleshed out.  Why do people get stuck on the island?  The movie never bothers to really explain any of this stuff, merely saying that it happens.  Oh good, I hate logic in my films!  Furthermore, the plot's third act hinges upon you just accepting that Nazis are nice guys.  The film really fails on more merits than just this though.  It's not as (unintentionally) funny as some of the other films from The Asylum, nor does it have any of the rare technical merit that they sometimes show.  In fact, this movie has worse special effects than War of the Worlds 2, despite being made over a year later!  Howell's direction is about the same as ever.  The only 'flourish' he adds here are pointless Dutch Angles.  The use of this technique really helps to show people walking down a path when nothing happens!  There are some good laughs to be had here, but they're mostly at the expense of the special effects.  One big problem: the moral and tone.  The film teaches you that cheating prospers (since the two people that steal the raft seem to live) and that doing good things ends badly for you (see the man who blows up the T-Rex or Howell saving the Nazi).  The dark, sad tone thrown in at the end is especially out of place.  That was the one thing that Land of the Lost needed to be a hit: a bipolar tone shift!

Up next, The Asylum goes into the jungle without C. Thomas Howell.  Instead, they bring the cast of Dracula's Curse out to fight King Kong.  Stay tuned...

Poor Bastards of Cinema: The Land That Time Forgot

You'll get the full summary on the film a bit later today in the full review.  Here's just a bit that stood out to me..

As our heroes are out collecting oil for their ship, another T-Rex rears its head.  This is bad news for one of the Nazis, as he is killed off-camera by the thing.

Of course, nobody addresses this fact or seems to even be aware of it.  Way to ignore the death of a guy- even if it is a Nazi!

Next up, a Luigi Cozzi film brings us a Poor female Bastard.  This lady literally does nothing to lead to her death.  Stay tuned...

Lock Me Up!: War of the Worlds 2

Of course they made a sequel.  Why should we be surprised?  After all, these are the same people that ripped off The Omen- in 666: The Child- and felt like a sequel was needed- 666: The Beast.  Hell, they apparently made a pair of films about generic killers called...well, The Killers.  Of course, here's the thing: there's really only been one other sequel to the original War of the Worlds.  That was the barely-remembered TV series from the 1980s that lasted one season before being radically-rebooted Seaquest-style and cancelled anyways.  So we're in fairly-uncharted territory here.  This is the first Asylum film I'm covering here that was directed by its star: C. Thomas Howell.  Oh, I wish that I was kidding.  If you like radically-revisionism and lazy exposition combined with some good effects, but terrible pacing, I have the film for you!  Get out your food voucher for gas program for my review of...

The film begins with a lovely studio back lot suddenly under attack by some actually-decent CG walkers.  These guys aren't made out of terrazzo it seems, as they have a red, fleshy texture to them.  I don't know how you make a ship out of veins, but whatever.  One of the people is shot with a beam, but only vanishes, as opposed to turning into bones.  Plot twist or a mistake in the special effects department- you decide!  After the credits, we see random scenes from the end of the last film before we segue to Howell and his kid in a bunker.  Where's the wife, you're asking?  We'll get to that in a bit.  Two years have gone by, but things are still kind of shit.  Mind you, all of the aliens are dead, but I guess enough infrastructure was ruined.  The pair's bunker is powered by the kid riding a stationary bike, since our NASA scientist can only use technology from the 19th Century!  He gets some sort of signal on his radio and goes to warn some people he knows.  It's important, he notes, that the kid not go outside.  He meets up with some old friends...who weren't in the original & explains that his wife was killed...somehow.  Was there a War of the Worlds 1.5 that I missed?  We had no attacks for two years, so what did she die of?  He warns them of an imminent attack, which is when they introduce him to some co-opted alien hardware.  Well, time to go home with no problems...

Turns out that I was wrong.  Our hero runs out of gas and wanders for a bit until he gets cheated out of food rations for a small amount of gas.  Why was this necessary again?  Did you pay off two guys for fixing your car by putting them in your movie, C. Thomas?  He gets home just in time to see his kid get zapped, followed by the thing just sort of leaving.  Well, it must have thought, that was my quota- see you!  He's a bit depressed, but he manages to work for a bit with the others, including a lady scientist, a nerdy guy and a General who they imply was in the last film.  Yeah, he wasn't.  The General talks about a big plan they have to take out the aliens with some jets controlled by the co-opted spaceship.  Don't ask me to explain the science of this, please.  Howell runs off, proving to be a bit unstable.  He does a big monologue to God about he is 'not your Job.'  Wow, this would be very touching if you could actually, you know, act.  He ends up getting shot by the same ray from one of the walkers as we segue to the military brass preparing for an assault.  To the film's credit, some of the CG work is actually kind of decent.  Of course, it's also confusing as hell and centered around characters that I have almost no attachment to.  As a bonus, watch for how much of these shots will end up in The Terminators.  I bet you it's a lot.

The final third of the film is broken up into two parts: Howell wandering around and the humans fighting back. In the first arc, Howell escapes from an alien ship and makes a new friend- one half of '90s rap group Kid 'N Play.  Yeah, I don't care.  They escape from the ship and run into the guy from the beginning, only to learn that this is all virtual reality.  Meanwhile, the ships in battle get pulled through a wormhole and in front of Mars.  They fight some more while Howell and company work on a plan.  In order to up the ante from the 'mysterious, unexplained virus' from the last film, they put a super virus into one of the ships to infect it.  Naturally, the only way to do this is to inject it into Howell and get him sucked into the ship.  You ever heard of syringes, guys?  He escapes from the ship via a plane that just so happens to crash nearby that was flown by the General.  I love you, plot contrivance!  Naturally, this jet can fit four or five people.  The dramatic escape is successful, but will Howell survive?  We cut to a party at the cabin owned by Howell, but the mood is low.  After drawing out the tension, Howell shows up alive and well.  It sure was nice of you to build the whole dramatic arc around whether you would survive, C. Thomas!  The party lasts a few minutes until a familiar radio signal can be heard again.  The End?

This movie sucks and it's boring!  After all of these Asylum films, I don't expect certain things.  I don't expect real good acting.  I don't expect really great effects.  I don't expect high production values or a strong look.  However, I do expect you to make a simple film that flows from Point A to Point B.  You failed to do that!  The idea of a second wave of attacks by the aliens is fine, but making it a mopy tale about Howell helping to save the world by way of his planned suicide attempt is not the way to do it.  I know that you've been in many, many films, Mr. Howell, but it's important to know your range.  You are not a good actor.  You can do alright with a good script- the key problem for his Asylum work- but you're not a good actor.  Making a film that hinges upon your acting sad and/or angry to work is a bad idea!  The worst part is this: they could have made a decent film.  It was never going to be great, but they had decent effects and could have ended up with an above-average Syfy Channel Film.  Since you're The Asylum, you had to find a way to screw that up.  Good job.  If you ever make War of the Worlds 3 (I'm practically counting the days), you can just count me out.  You'll find a way to make it worse- I just know it.

Up next, The Asylum rips off a Will Ferrell film that didn't exactly light up theaters.  Oh yeah, it's another C. Thomas Howell film.  Stay tuned...