Don't Cross Me: Kiss the Girls (1997)

 After you've given thanks, now indulge in... the tale of a psychopath kidnapping and abusing women.  Hmm...I could have better timing, I guess.

This is 1997's Kiss the Girls, an adaptation of an Alex Cross Novel.  Curiously, this is the SECOND Novel in the Series- which is now up to 26 (!!!).  Oh well, I'm sure that won't be confusing when I watch the 2nd Film based on the first Book, right?

Right?!?

Anyhow, the Plot involves a twisted man named Cassanova who kidnaps women and keeps them, as opposed to a typical Serial Killer.  To be fair, that kind of killer involves far less upkeep and less trips to Costco to get Milk for 'your ladies.'

Cross is on the case when it gets personal, and he lucks into a woman escaping Cassanova.  Can they (without a Character from the Book that they excised for time) solve the case?

To find out, read on...

Alex Cross is a Psychologist who often works with the Police.  

When we first see him, he talks down a suicidal woman who was beating beaten by her Husband.  

I wonder if the Film will somehow bookend itself with a parallel scene, he asks himself knowingly.

Meanwhile, a man named Cassanova is kidnapping women who he 'loves.'  

He really brings attention to himself, when he breaks his own rule and kills one of them when she, ironically enough, breaks his rules.

I guess we can expect hypocrisy from a psychopath.

Cross' Niece is among Cassanova's victims, but all signs point to her being alive.

His consultation on the case has him meeting with a few Red Herrings...I mean, suspects.

Cassanova makes his next move by kidnapping Dr. Kate McTiernan (no relation to Director John, presumably).

She runs from him, but crashes into a fish tank in her own house.  That's...possible, but a bit weird of a thing to take her down.  Did she just forget about it?

He keeps working the case, unaware of what just happened.  I was kind of expecting a Scene of him or another Detective checking her place, but no.

On the plus side, you can date the Film by him using this old pay phone.

Kate escapes after a long ordeal and has to jump into a river to survive.

The drugs he used on her- combined with her trauma- will soon kill her, but, fortunately, Cross is here to figure out the right Medicine.

Granted- Psychology Doctorates would certainly know their medications, but I still find it odd that the Doctors needed his help here.

Kate works alongside Cross- although he keeps trying to keep her at a distance- as they go to California to follow a lead.

In the Book, it is because Cassanova published a letter- straight out of a Thomas Harris Novel.  I'm probably not going to do a Fiction vs. Fiction on this one though, so don't get your hopes up.

Anyways, the clues lead to...of course, the guy from Friday the 13th: Part 6 (oh right, also Ghost and Scandal)

He gets away- after shooting Jeremy Piven!!!- and they eventually track him down.

Right out of Scream (since everyone seems to think that they invented the Two Killers Twist), he's actually working with a different Serial Kidnapper/Killer on the East Coast.  That one is actually Cassanova.

He shoots and- I think- kills Goldwyn- who is The Gentleman Caller and frees the ladies.

Of course, we didn't actually see Cassanova and he got away.

Cross figures out his identity from matching handwriting on a note to a report signed off on by one of the Agents.

He's a bit late as the guy- Cary Elwes- shows up and fights Kate.  Both are wounded and the gas is leaking.

After failing to talk Elwes down- good prediction, earlier me- he shoots and kills him by firing through a carton of milk, leading to this accidentally hilarious death.

The End.

A good Film- surprisingly with no real caveats this time.

It is a very '90s Thriller, so you already kind of know how you feel about that Genre one way or the other, don't you?  This one is solid.

I could certainly nitpick about a number of little things.  For instance, I was not fooled by the false suspects, even when they brought one back.  I also find it weird to look back in 2023 to see Jeremy Piven playing a guy named 'Castillo.'

In addition, while I'm not espousing guilt one way or the other in this case, seeing Piven (in a small role, mind you) as a guy trying to stop a creep might be awkward after all of the allegations.

That said, the Film was written, shot, edited and Acted well.  It is easy to see why people like it.
I do wish that they could have maybe given Kate a better ending in which she saves herself, but I can forgive it.

As a bonus, here's this DePalma Shot.

Next up, the Sequel...that is actually a Prequel to this Story.  Again- that won't be confusing.  Stay tuned...

Lost in Translation: Class of 1999 II- The Substitute

 A Poster with a different Title and a silly visual.

It is worth a second look...

What happens when the French get to promote a Film about a(n allegedly) robot Teacher?

Random shot of the Star.
Random Film you should know him from.
Bonus points for using the original, planned Title.

Robot Silhouette to boot.

Question- why does it say the Daleks' catchphrase...and why does it say it from its eyeball?

As someone who was part of the (many) Class(es) of 2001, this is a gem.

Tubi Thursday: Class of 1999 II- The Substitute (1994)

 A Film so memorable that I only took 13 years to get around to reviewing it.
I should really check out what I'm still missing from my old VHS For the Win days.

In Class of 1984, things were really bad and a gang of kids had to be stopped.

In Class of 1999, things were worse and homicidal robot teachers had to be stopped.

In the Sequel, the guy from Step By Step is homicidal and has to be stopped.

A Female Teacher is going to testify that a Student- who could be Chris O'Donnell's Stunt Double- committed a murder.

Somehow, he's NOT being held by the Cops and just keeps threatening her with zero reprisal.

The titular Substitute- not to be confused with the Substitute Films, of course- shows up, beats up students and is vague about his past.

He also seems to be an early adapter of the 'Cool Guys Don't Look at Explosions' Trope.

He protects her- while her boyfriend tries to do the same- and she tries to get information out of him.

He eventually escalates after she's threatened by a different goon, so he lights him on fire and...yep.

He seems to fall for her, so he's a bit taken aback when she doesn't break up with her boyfriend (Nick Cassavetes).

So, you remember how the School is full of violent (usually 30-year-olds) sociopaths?
Well, they take them paintballing...which is a great idea!

Our Lead sets a bunch of deadly traps and kills many, many students.
You'll never guess what he does in regard to the next explosion.

Throughout the Film we've seen a guy tracking the one surviving Battle Droid (aka Robot Teacher) and all signs point to our Lead.

Well, shock twist- he's not a Robot.
He's the son of the evil Scientist who went crazy and put on super-impervious body armor...and just forgot that he did this...I guess...
Now he 'is a robot.'

In the Finale, he 'is a dead guy.'
The End.

It is...not what was promised and not what people were hoping for.

Credit where credit is due, I suppose.  The Twist is interesting, but it definitely undoes the entire appeal of the Film.  It would be like if they did the actual Story of Psycho II for the Film.

So, what is this Film without a killer robot or two?

Ironically, it is a darker version of The Substitute- which would come out 2 years later and spawn 3 Sequels.

You don't get a killer robot, but you get obviously adult Students being killed by a crazy human.  Who's the good guy here?

The appeal was sadly taken out of this one, making it a pretty standard Action Film with an Unreliable Narrator at the helm.  It was also supposed to be set in the futuristic year of 2001.

Thankfully, there's a French Poster for that...

A good example of how you can be 'too creative' with a low-budget Action Film.  The actual product is fine...I guess, but the twist nullifies all of the appeal in retrospect.

Poor Bastards of Cinema: The Black Windmill

 *** A long absence- too long- since this Segment was last seen. ***

In The Black Windmill, an Agent- Michael Caine- is forced to work against his agency to save his son.

He ends up on the run, going to a train in hurry!

He's not exactly polite while doing this, knocking into a bunch of people on the way.  This leads to a weird bit of incidental damage.

He hits a guy in a blue jacket carrying some sort of heavy sac on his shoulder.  

The bump makes him drop it over the side of the stairs and just clobber a guy!

At best, that's a carpet and hurts like hell!

At worst, he's the world's worst guy at disposing of bodies.

So technically nobody dies- as far as we know- but this one still counts for me.

A random fellow who's not even ON THE STAIRS is injured by our Hero's actions.
I'm counting it!

The moral- watch your head.

Next up, a poor bastard is simply doing their job.  That's a death sentence in some Films!  See you then...

Immediate Response: The Marvels (2023)

 As that 'Woke Fanboy' you always hear about, I was hyped for this Film.

Should you be?

The Good

* The trio of Stars deliver with their unique Characters, motivations and backstories.

* So many questions are answered nicely- like why didn't Captain Marvel return for so long- and it just makes things feel...complete.

* The Film looks great, catering to the Marvel fan who loves the cosmic stuff a la Guardians of the Galaxy.

* The villain is a bad person...with clear motivations and trying to do the right thing...in her mind.  It is not just 'Boo- I'm evil.'

* The gimmick here- the body switching- is used to great effect, not just for laughs.  It really drives the narrative.

* Goose and the other Flerken are adorable.  Aww...

* The final tease and Mid-Credits tease (no SPOILERS) are great.

The Bad

* While they do explain the key details for each character, the short answers (like "I got my powers from walking through a witch's hex") won't satisfy everyone.

* It's not entirely clear how the whole thing on the 2nd Planet was resolved...or if it even was at all.  Is there a Director's Cut for this in the future?

* Kind of funny how they find a weird excuse to introduce a set of new Costumes for the 3rd Act.  Not really bad...but odd.

It is a fun, space romp with more depth to it once you really dig into the story.

If you've already decided that the Film is 'too woke' (since it stars 3 Females), I won't be able to change your mind.

For everyone else, give it a shot.

Hire a Carpenter: Christine (1983)

 Hey Film- you're in good company with me.  What a great Year.

Christine was Carpenter's rebound Film from the unfortunate failure of The Thing in 1982.  It was good to do a 'safe' Film after that.  Thankfully, he also made a GOOD Film too.

This is yet another Stephen King adaptation, since they were the MCU Films of their day.  You couldn't take a step without tripping over one of them in the '80s and '90s.  People would break an ankle if they didn't look out for The Tommyknockers.

Now that I've beaten that joke into pulp, what is the actual Film about?  It is a killer car.  I've heard worse King pitches.

Can Carpenter create an '80s Coming of Age Tale with the killer vehicle that was sorely missing from St. Elmo's Fire (which is not about an evil fireplace)?

To find out, read on...

A Car is evil in 1958.
It kills a guy.

That is all.

In 1978, a nerdy guy- Rodney Dangerfield's Son from Back to School- and his Paul Walker-looking friend are just trying to survive High School.

A new girl just transferred in and she's a future Lifeguard.
Thankfully not a future Lifeguard/P.I./Paranormal Investigator though.

The guy falls for an old Car being sold by...the Neighbor from Home Alone?!?

He buys it for himself, in spite of all of the work that would be needed to do and the cryptic nature of the entire thing.

He fixes the car up and soon changes into...a guy who's happy and doesn't wear glasses.

He manages to get the girl- Alexandra Paul with blossoming '80s hair- but is also super cool with his Football playing friend's career ending injury.

Something something Brian Piccolo?  Sorry- I tried, but it is Football, so...

Things turn sour when the Car gets jealous and tries to kill off Paul.  
Mind you, it blatantly kills people throughout the Film, but this one involves locking the door to keep the guy out while she's choking.

That's all you got, Christine?!?

The bully from earlier- who looks like a buff, 35 year old Jim Morrison- finds the car in the Garage and smashes it, along with his boys.

This creates more havoc between the young lovers as he takes this very personally and pushes her away.

Christine can restore herself- in a great bit of practical effects that you have to see- and comes for revenge.

The first one was well hidden, but the second one involves an exploding gas station and this epic shot.

To see the comedy version of this Plot, go here.

Eventually, his friend and girlfriend set a trap to take out Christine.

It backfires, however, as Christine attacks first.

During the ramming and racing, the guy is thrown out the front window and dies from a glass wound.

They manage to run over Christine with a big old construction vehicle, smashing it up so much that it can't reform itself.

...or can it?

No... or can it?!?

The End.

A good Film that deserves its Cult Classic Status.  So, was this a passion project for Carpenter?  No.

Did he still nail the assignment?  Yes- very yes!

The Film has a nice throwback charm, especially the more time that passes since its release.  It has this quality where it could be taking place in any Town and in pretty much any time (excluding obvious technological changes).

The big draw is, of course, the Car itself.  It is a beauty.  I'm not a 'Car Guy,' but I still know a beauty when I see it.  They make great use of it here too, as it goes from worn out car to beauty to wrecked to blazing beauty.

I'm happy to hear that at least one of the Christines is still around and being taken care of too.

If you're a fan of the Book, you have to accept a few changes- like Christine's origin and some of the kills.  That said, I think it still should capture the spirit of the Book for you.

If I find a cheapy copy, a Fiction vs. Fiction will come.

It was a nice surprise to see Alexandra Paul in this Film.  It is just too bad that her final line made her the true villain of the Film...

With the return of Jack Reacher to (Streaming) TV Screens, let's revisit the past...of Alex Cross.  I have both Films with Morgan Freeman in the role, so let's check them out!  Stay tuned...

Shudder-day: Creepshow- 'Grieving Process' (2023)

 Another busy weekend, so let's just cover the other Segment from Season 4, Episode 2 of Creepshow.

In this one, a man experiences a more subtle loss than you might think.

It gets pretty dark though.

Things are looking up for Richard.

He's an accomplished Chef and his young Wife just started a new job.

However, he soon gets a call with some bad news.

His Wife was attacked and doesn't seem to be recovering.

It gets intense around there and he's not sure what to do.

Eventually, he does find out what she needs...but can he do it?

No SPOILERS.

A good Segment, but boy is it dark!  And no, I don't just mean that basement!

Seriously, this one is intense, both for what the inciting incident is supposed to be representing and what actually happens.

So how do I discuss this without SPOILERS?  Carefully, I guess.

Both of are Leads do a great job here, with our guy slowly going crazy in the wake of what is happening in his life.  The Wife's Actress does a good job with a role that could be thankless- freaking out and, well, that's all I can say.

The Practical Effects here really shine through, which is always great.  They look freaky and I'm here for it all day, every day.

I'd probably recommend 'The Hat' over this one for the casual Horror fan, but this one is good for those willing to accept a more intense, freaky segment.  

More of that in the future?

We'll see...

A dark, intense Segment that really delivers.  Just know what to expect before you take a bite of this one.

Tubi Thursday: Jiu Jitsu (2020)

 Remember when one of those Trailers comes out online and you're like 'Wow, that's weird.'  
Now remember when you forget about the Film actually coming out and then just move on with your life.

That's what happened to me until today with...

A man runs from...something and falls into the water, hitting his head.

He's stitched up and brought to a Military Base in Burma, but he has amnesia.

Meanwhile, a, well, let's just call it like it is, a 'Predator' is on Earth and killing people.

It is a cross between a Predator, a Guyver and those CGI Suits that that Kryptonians in Man of Steel wore.

After meeting his old allies (who he doesn't remember) and engaging in around 26 different Fight Scenes, he ends up meeting the real Star of this Film.

Nic MUFUGGIN Cage.

He reveals the truth to our Hero- after another Fight Scene, of course.

An Alien Not Predator comes every 6 years to fight the best Earth has to offer.  If they don't fight, he destroys, well, everything.
Cage ran away from his fight and hid.

Apparently, our guy did as well- see the beginning- but now he's willing to work with the others to save the World.

Can our Hero master the art of Jiu Jitsu to stop the Not Predator?

Will I lose count of how many random Fight Scenes take place?

Did I only review this because it has Nic Cage and Tony Jaa in it?

To find out the answers to the first 2 questions (#3 is obviously 'Yes.'), stream it now.

It is fine...I guess.  You really just need to know what to expect.

Basically, it is a series of good to alright Fight Scenes involving lots of people.  In the brief bits without fighting, you get some silly Plot.

That's pretty much it.

I do like watching Tony Jaa (clearly, if I made it through Ong Bak 2 & 3) and Cage was good fun here.  Too bad our Lead- like most in these kinds of Films- has to be about as exciting as watching paint dry in someone else's house.

Seriously, you really do appreciate the naturally charismatic Leads like Jackie Chan or Bruce Lee (to name the obvious) when you get so many that can fight...but you just kind of accept them as Actors.
Thankfully, they got 'Crab Man' from My Name is Earl to liven things up at times.

The Film has a wacky premise, a wacky performance by Cage, a cool-looking villain and... a pretty so-so execution.  This is just less bonkers than I was expecting.  

Kind of like the alternate Title really.

A good series of Fight Scenes that don't connect to make that great of a Film.  At least Cage and Jaa are good here.

Forgotten Sequels: Omen IV- The Awakening (1991)

 So yeah, I definitely wrote about this.  I don't feel like looking up *when* because I already feel old enough right now.

Let's take another look at it though, with fresh eyes.

In 1991, the Producer behind the Series wanted to bring it back after a long dormancy.  He still had the rights and he still had the props.  A TV Movie was proposed that would set up future entries in the Series, moving the Film from Theater to Televison.

If that sounds ridiculous to you now, consider that Midnight Run got THREE Sequels in 1994- all made for TV.  Not to mention other Films with forgotten TV follow-ups, ranging from The Jerk to Splash to Rosemary's Baby.

So how do you follow up a Film where your Main Character is dead?  That sure is tricky.

To find out how this all (sort of) makes sense, read on...

A happy Couple adopts a child, but the young Nun scolds Mother Superior for not killing the child.

Said Superior immediately dies of a heart attack, starting an oddly specific trend in this Film.

They, of course, know nothing about that.

Through a montage, we see the baby grow up into a little girl.  

When she sees the former Nun approaching, she bites the head of her doll- as you do- and scares her off.

We get our first hints of the girl being evil when she gets into a scuffle with a Bully.

She gets back at him later, exploiting his fear of heights to make him piss his pants when he tries to chase her up a ladder.

When the angry Dad scolds the Father, the little girl...makes him get decapitated in an auto accident!

Those...don't seem like equal punishments.

The kid gets wet...while Dad gets dead!

They hire a lady to help watch the kid- since both parents are allowed to work in 1991- and she sees the kid's dark aura.

She goes to her fellow crystal-gazing friend...Joe from Highlander: The Series?!?

It's not enough to be about Religion, so this one works in Crystals, the metaphysical and Kirlian Photography (Photos that supposedly show your aura).

In retaliation, the girl starts a fire that manages to burn down the whole outside event.

To be fair, NOBODY has a fire extinguisher, so that's like 40% on you!

Using her hell hound, she knocks the lady out of the window (despite the previous shot showing the window at neck level, she flies out in full).  The Wife faints as well.

The Wife goes to a different Priest- no heart attack for you, yet! - with a Bible and the Book on Crystals.  She says that the 2nd book mentions and quote The Book of Revelations...which seems unlikely.

We get some odd dialog from the Priest, who basically blames all of humanity for the Anti-Christ's eventual reign.  So... did he not know about Damien Thorn?

Also, mate, I'm not one to judge on hair, but...either shave that or cut it down a little.

The Wife is surprised a bit later when she gets pregnant.  

Naturally, she starts the investigation in full as the Film *casually* progresses time by having her announce to people how long she has been pregnant in each Scene.  Smooth.

She's having that baby.  It is good news...right?

Michael Lerner is here as a Private Detective (after appearing for 10 seconds in Act 1) who finds out all about Delia's background.

He finds the Nun and she's now a Snake-Holding Prophet (after briefly being a Prostitute!) and dies, but delivers the info to Lerner.

Once he gets that and mails it, he's toast as...I guess, Satan scares him into walking near a construction site for old Scratch to SWING A WRECKING BALL AT HIM.

Nobody is going to look into THAT death- no sir!

Time for the big twist, with ZERO build up.  Are you ready?

So, the Doctor was in it the whole time.  He learned that Delia was Damien's Daughter (from a Scene in Part 3, to be fair) and carried a copy of his Embryo inside her.  

When the girl fell off the horse, he took the chance to remove it... somehow.

When the Wife fainted, he took the opportunity to implant it in her (how long was she out?!?) and her Son is Damien...I guess.

After killing him, she takes his gun (all Doctors keep guns in their desk- fact) and goes home.

She kills the new Babysitter (who had zero build up) and then confronts Delia and the baby.  Delia reveals that the baby has the Mark ON THE PALM OF HIS HAND.

That won't raise suspicion!

She can't resist Baby Damien's power (I guess this one is evil and empowered at birth?) and kills herself.

Now Delia and Alexander will be raised by a potential Future President...in a series of Films that didn't get made when nobody liked this one.

I'll be honest- it is better than I remembered it being.  That said, I thought it was utter shit then, so...relative praise.

The Film, to its credit, does try to do some new things while sticking to the formula.  I actually liked the Actress who played Delia here.  I'm glad that she has kept working through at least 2015.  The other Actors are honestly pretty darn good here too.

The big hurdle is, of course, the Script.  The Story plays out in weird spurts.  It will rush to kill one Character- like the Priest- and then stay calm for a while.  The big deaths- like Lerner's- were apparently Directed by the Producer, which might explain how weird they feel.

As noted by IMDB, it is also odd that the famous Daggers don't show up in this one, even though said Producer I guess kept the props.  Maybe that was being saved for Part 5?

The Resumes on our Directors is notable too, especially given how infamously bad this one.  The original Director- Jorge Montesi- worked on the Captain Power releases, as well as Turbulence 3 and Mother, May I Sleep with Danger?  

When he left, they brought in Dominique Othenin-Girard, who had just Directed Halloween 5 to finish up.

It is impressive that they got a Film done, even if it was this one.

Omen IV is just on the right side of being 'funny bad' and not 'bad that is just boring.'  The insistent Soundtrack, ludicrous kills and ridiculous Plot Twist Sandwich at the end save it from that.

Sorry in advance to Martin here for reminding people of the unfortunate last name he was given... 

Next up, I cover a John Carpenter Film that I've missed for all of these years.  It is the same age as me, so let's see how it is.  Stay tuned...