Poor Bastards of Cinema: Light Blast (1985) {Part 2}

 Another dose of people in the wrong place and the wrong time from this Italian '80s Film.

The villain uses the titular Light Blast at a Stock Car Show.

Everyone loves those, right?

He blasts the giant LCD Clock that all of these things have and the people melt inside.

They aren't really the Poor Bastards, but I did want to show off more melting people.

This melting- and the subsequent explosion- scares the crowd away.

They run for their lives and... jump off of the platform to the concrete?!?

Darwin Awards Nominees here.

The dozen or so folks trample each other and fall to their deaths.

Fun.

As one final insult, the TV News SHOWS THE DEAD BODIES ON THE AIR.

Yikes.

This is about 2 years before R. Budd Dwyer's infamous Press Conference, so I guess they hadn't learned that lesson yet.

The moral- don't go to Stock Car Shows.  All 12 of you need to stop it!

Next up, a far less consequential death in the grand scheme of things.  In other words, it is perfect for this segment.  See you then....

Tubi Thursday: Dead Silence (2007)

 After being happily surprised by James Wan's recent Film, I figured that his least successful Film deserved a shot.

Is it better than what I've thought it would be for the last 16 years?

A young couple gets a mysterious mannequin in the mail.

Unless your Uncle is Jeff Dunham, just burn it already.

Shortly after they get it, a mysterious figure attacks and kills her.

He comes home and finds the body, but also hears her voice.

If you like the freaky visual of the bodies, they 'borrowed' it from The Ring/Ringu.

Since there was no sign of break-in, they suspect the Husband.

There's also zero physical evidence, no murder weapon, no way that he could have done it AND he had an alibi...so they let him go.

This is the same Cop from Saw II, so you know what his success rate is going to be.

He goes home to bury his wife...which is odd when you consider that she's not from the same Town.

He meets up with his Father, who is...I mean, are we really not seeing through this?

Alright then, pretend you don't see the twist now.

We eventually learn via extended flashbacks that a creepy old Ventriloquist lady was accused of killing a kid, lynched and is now back as an evil spirit.

Does this Town have an Elm Street?

Also this part is WAY BETTER than everything else.  Just make this part the Movie!!!

After lots of wandering around in the dark, jump scares, random musical stings and joining back up with the Detective, our Hero confronts the evil woman.

There's no Sequel, so don't go planning his next Birthday Party.

To find out what happens, stream it now.  You have 6 days left.

A pretty lackluster Film, if it wasn't for the Soundtrack.  It sure is loud.  It sure is booming.  It sure tells you that things are happening.

The actual Film is tinted blue and washed out, so...yea.  I hope that trend is good and dead in 2023.

The whole premise is a bit half-baked, isn't it?  There's a Witch...and a Ventriloquist Dummy...and possessed people and...can you pick an idea?  Leigh Whannel has talked shit about the process of Writing the Film, having it changed and then...Writing it again.

So did his original Script sound less generic and was it less muddled?

Can she kill you if you don't scream?
Does she just abide by her own rule NOT TO if you stay silent?
I just have so many questions...and also no real interest in the answers.

Look- if you want to make an evil Witch Film, make it.  If you want to make a killer Ventriloquist Dummy Film, make it.

When you try to blend two things together, it is just...not convincing.  At all.

A Film with promise and a decent tagline to sell it.  It barely made any money in Theaters though, so you see how that worked out.

New Flix: Knock at the Cabin (2023)

 Can the man behind the biggest surprise hit in history- The Sixth Sense- and the biggest surprise flop in history- The Last Airbender- deliver in 2023?

He's adapting yet another Book, so let's see...

A young girl and her 2 Parents- a Gay Couple, so good-bye China Release!- go to the titular Cabin.

While outside, she is greeted by a large man- Batista.

Him and his 3 comrades ask to be let in.

When it is refused, well, they let themselves in.

What is this all about?

They have a crazy idea- that someone in the Cabin (besides themselves) must kill the other.

If not, humanity is doomed!

They insist that they are not killers.

They say that they are not crazy.

They just saw a shared vision that told them to come here.

Are they honest OR are they up to something?

Things start to go badly in the world outside- shown on TV to cut down the Budget-, but are they related to these four people who broke in?

Is there no hope for us?
Are they just psychotics?

To find out, stream/buy the Film now.

An interesting Film in a lot of ways.  It obviously won't be for everyone.

To give non-SPOILER warnings, there's plenty of *implied* violence, but not too much actual on-screen stuff.  There's enough to make a note of it though.

There was a chance of the Film not being very interesting when it sticks to the one location.  Thankfully, they mix in some flashbacks to both flesh out the Plot and freshen up the locales.

I'd love to discuss the Ending- not a fan- but I won't SPOIL it for you.

While it is easy to make fun of M. Night for his 'what a twist!' mindset and, well, The Happening, this is actually pretty darn good.  My disagreement with the message of the Film aside, it was a nice surprise.

In spite of the delay in writing this, I actually watched this BEFORE I saw 'Guardians of the Galaxy: Volume 3,' so it was a nice contrast for Batista and his range really showed here.

That said, while I get the idea of an 'immersive experience' as an attraction, I wouldn't have picked THIS Film for it...

Agree or not with how the Ending plays out, the Film is still good.  It has way more nuance to it than then the Trailers implied.

2022 Catch-up: Sonic the Hedgehog 2

 Do you gotta go fast?  Do you need to see if you can make this work twice?

If so, then you are...

Sonic is now stuck in our World and trying to find his purpose.

He tries to be a Superhero.  

You can't be The Blur though- Smallville-Era Superman has that one.

His life would change when Tails would show up...which he already did in the Post Credits tease last Film.  

I guess that was a Flash Forward?

Meanwhile, Dr. Eggman/Robotnik would escape from his Planetary Prison with the help of Knuckles.

The two would meet up in dramatic fashion.

Tails would help Sonic escape and they'd go on a quest to find the Film's MacGuffin.

It's a this point that you realize that they are only at the THIRTY MINUTE mark.

Gotta go fast indeed!

Marsden and his Wife are sidelined with a B-Plot involving them at a Wedding in Hawaii.  It really feels like they are in a different Film.

Well, not the whole time, as the Plots would collide due to massive coincidence.

You see, Sonic has to get to this Temple that JUST HAPPENS to pop out of the Ocean right in front of the Island the Couple were on.

Hey Google- how many Islands are there in Hawaii?  137?!?!?

What will happen when the duo face off with the MacGuffin on the line?

Will they eventually team up?
Is that even a SPOILER to anyone?

To find out, stream the Film now.

It's alright.  It's not bad at all.

That said, there's almost too much going on here.  Without giving too much away, here's what the Plot beats are...

Sonic trying to fit in
The Wedding Plot
Knuckles and the Doctor chasing the duo around
The B-Plot of the Wedding (which is already a B-Plot)
Knuckles' Character Arc
Comedy Cop Sidekick's Parts
Comedy Henchman's Parts

So yeah, there's perhaps a bit too much here, no?

The whole thing can be pretty fun, carried by the Voice and On-Screen Acting Talent.  This same Film with lesser people is not good.  It helps that the Film looks really nice as well, with strong CGI, Costume Design and the like.

Is it the most creative Film you'll see?  No.
Is it too much Plot?  Yes.
Did anyone guess that this might be Jim Carrey's last Film?

A fun, if extremely busy Film.  If they could have avoided Sequel-itis here, it would have been an easier recommendation.

Quick Reviews: F9- The Fast Saga (2021)

 That damned Monkey's Paw is at work again.   Hollywood gets a successful non-Marvel Franchise...but it is Fast & Furious.

As the 10th (of possibly 12) Film comes out today, let's shift back to the last one from 2021.

Do you like high-octane action?
Do you like explosions?

If so, then you'll love...a prolonged Flashback to Dom's origin as a kid back in the late '80s, complete with Young Dom who is the wrong ethnicity and looks nothing like young Vin Diesel.

Why do we get all of this?  To set up the villain, of course.

Our Heroes leave their kid behind- he's literally not seen again until the end of the Film- to go try to rescue Mr. Nobody.

Instead, they find Military MacGuffin #289.

I can't say that the Film isn't educational.  For instance, I know that 'Peligroso Minas' is Spanish for 'Oh S**t, there's Mines!'

I also learned that if you drive fast enough, they won't blow up under your wheels.

Calling Mythbusters...

Our Villain is Jakob, played by John Cena.  He's Dom's younger Brother.

Sorry- I can't take that seriously, can you?!?

I love Cena, but...really?!?

The Film has really weird pacing too.

As an example, after we learn about Jakob, the group splits up.

They only need to find the other piece of the thing and a 'key,' but they go across the globe (from Japan to Sweden to Los Angeles to London) in like 2 days.

Did we need Dom and Helen Mirren?  I guess 'yes?'

Wanna focus up, Film?

I hear you- you want EVEN MORE FLASHBACKS.

We even get them after a big Action Scene, as we get the bonus of Dom seeing them in, I guess, a near death experience.  Yeah, someone can kill him.  HAHAHAHA.

We eventually get the setup for the finale, which feels like it should have happened an hour ago.

Also Han is alive.  Thanks for the SPOILER, Trailers!

Can they stop a big old truck from doing something something with the MacGuffin they now have?

Will Jakob stay evil (even though we know from the Fast 10 Trailers that he's good now)?

To find out, stream the Film now.  It's on Peacock, if you're curious.

A long, silly Film.  Look at the Title- F9: The Fast Saga.  How pretentious is that?!?

This all began with a very blatant copy of Point Break and now is a Saga?  Really?

The Plot is a mishmash of melodrama and ridiculous (but usually fun) Action Scenes.  In this Film, the new toy is Magnets.  They know sort of how they work and use them in ridiculous ways.  Could you really 'throw' cars with a magnet?

Yes, they lamp shade it with a line about 'never seeing a magnet this strong before.'  That doesn't change HOW magnets work, of course.

Have I mentioned how ponderous I found all of the Dom Flashback stuff enough yet?  One more.  Okay.  Seriously, I do get the idea of filling in his origin, but why now?  Why is it so boring?  Why did you get Michael Rooker for TWO SCENES and that's it?  Why does Young Dom look nothing like Dom?

All of my complaints aside, this Film made over $700 million in the post-COVID Lockdown Theater Reopening, so clearly someone wanted to see this thing reach for the Stars...

A truly Epic Film...in someone's mind.  It's allot of bollocks that will entertain fans of the spectacle...between all of the boring, sudden backstory.

Tubi Thursday: Malignant (2021)

 WB/Discovery's loss is your gain- at least for the next week or so.

I decided to take a break from Chinese Monster Movies for a recent release lent to Tubi.  

I have bad news.  It's...

The Film opens with some freaky stuff at a Hospital in 1993 involving Gabriel.  They say that they have to 'remove the Cancer.'

In the Present, a pregnant Nurse is hit against the wall by her abusive boyfriend, and he's killed that same night.

She starts to see herself in strange places, seeing visions of a coat-wearing man killing and abducting people.

What's going on?!?

Well, she's seeing real attacks, so it is not in her head.

And, to save you time, this is not Bill Fagerbakke (aka Patrick Star).
I checked.

Things don't get cleared up as our Heroine's grasp on reality seems to be getting even more tenuous.

How does this connect to her childhood and why can't she remember it?

When in doubt, use the power of Google.

Just don't use it to SPOIL the Film, since I'm not going to here.

To see the Film, stream it really soon (or go to Max).

This one is pretty damn weird.  Admittedly, I kind of got the 'Second Viewing Experience' on the first one, since I got this one SPOILED for me long ago in a YouTube Video.  It was my choice, so be it.

That said, I'm still not going to SPOIL it for you here.  I really want to, but I won't.

The Film has all of the best and worst aspects of James Wan's work here.  If you can't stand his style, you probably won't like this one.  That said, he does crib quite a bit from Argento- the Camera Angles and Tracking-, Bava- the lighting-, Cronenberg- the visceral nature of the body stuff- and Carpenter- the Music.

So, for me, it is the best James Wan experience since it was 'inspired' by so many good Directors.  I never hated Wan's stuff, to be clear, but I always found the praise for him to be pretty grandiose.  He never sucked or anything.

Non-SPOILER bit- the Film is very violent, freaky and pretty fun.  When you find out the true Story, you'll either love it or hate it.  I lean more towards the former, at least right now.

Now how can I get you to stick around to read my less popular Film Reviews?  Oh yeah...

A freaky Film that really 'goes there.'  Yes, I have many, MANY questions, but I enjoyed the ride all the same.

Poor Bastards of Cinema: Light Blast (1985)

 A Film so chock full of PBoCs that we get one in the Intro!

In Light Blast, a Scientist has created a laser gun, which he uses to hold a city ransom.

Well, before that happens, this couple meets at an empty Train Station in the late night/early morning.

What else are you going to do in an empty Train Yard?

After all, there's nobody there to give you the Guided Tour until it opens!

The man decides to test out his Light Blaster by shooting the big LCD Clock that all Train Yards have.
It's an '80s thing...I think.

To be clear, he has NO idea that anyone is there.

The after glow turns into a red-hot glow as things heat up for the pair.

For some reason, she melts first.

I guess it is so we can get this glorious reaction face.

I hope that this is his Profile Pic on IMDB.

All things being equal, he melts next.

It is the best (or worst) Peter Gabriel Video of all time!

We see the rest of the Train Yard metal melt around the now gooey couple as the man drives off.

As a reminder, this is NEVER BROUGHT UP in the Film.

The lesson: if you have sex, you'll melt.  That's just Science (applicable only in Florida, Alabama and Mississippi).

Next up, more wrong place, wrong time 'fun' from Light Blast.  Don't get too comfortable in those Bleachers.