'80s Fun: Conan the Destroyer (1984)

 I guess it is up to me to defend this much-maligned Sequel.  When even your Star isn't a fan, there are issues.

This is Conan the Destroyer, the 1984 Sequel to John Milius' Film and the middle part of a failed Trilogy.  Still waiting for Conan the Conqueror/King, Arnie and company!

The Title Character returns, but his comrade is not with him.  Maybe they dropped in and out like on the Cartoon Show.  When a Queen promises to restore his lady love, he's willing to do just about anything for her.  What if the person he's protecting is later meant to be sacrificed though?

Richard Fleischer takes over on this one, bringing with him a long Career full of Films you wouldn't associate with one person.  For instance, he did Doctor Doolittle in 1967, but also made a Biopic of Che Guevara (Che!) in 1969.  Weird, no?

So, is this Film actually good or not?  To find out, read on...

Conan is back, now joined by a Thief (who was supposed to be played by David Landers of Lenny & Squiggy fame).

A group of armed men attack them until...they want to hire them instead.

Sucks to be the guys Conan ran through BEFORE you decided to hire him.

The Queen (Sarah Douglas, who is the Queen of Starring in Sequels) hires him to protect her Niece on her journey to retrieve a magical MacGuffin.  In return, she will restore his lost love.

We, the audience, learn that said Niece is meant to be sacrificed....and Conan will be killed.

So much for surprises.

The Princess was born with a mark, so she must retrieve some artifacts to wake their 'sleeping god.'

Trivia Note: she was on Justice League Unlimited, as was Mako (who plays the Wizard), Tracey Walter (who plays the Thief).  Douglas herself appeared on its predecessor- Superman: The Animated Series.

I mentioned useless Trivia- take a shot.

Conan agrees to the mission but must recruit more people for it (since his Archer pal is missing).

He gets Mako (playing a different character) for his magic and Grace Jones (in her first Film role) for her ferocity.  This was apparently true on set, as she actually bit Chamberlain in their fight, as she was not used to doing Fight Scenes.

They are also joined by the Queen's Personal Guard- Wilt Chamberlain- who was tasked with keeping the girl alive...and a virgin.

I guess she won't be one of his 20,000+ partners then?

Now that they have a team, they must get the Crystal that lets them get the Horn that will let them do the Ritual.

This leads to a fun fight with Conan vs. a Wizard, who mutates into a Man-Ape (that's also a mirror...I think).

Both Roles are played by the late Pat Roach, a big Actor most known for being 'chopped up by the airplane propeller' in the first Indiana Jones.

Things take a turn for the worse after a twist or two- represented by this picture of Arnold being given a Giant Swing.

For all you Wrestling fans out there, he also gets put in a Gory Special by Roach as well.

Naturally, they have him do them, since he was actually a Pro-Wrestler too.  He's not the only one, of course.

It all leads up to a big Battle against the creature that this whole Film was building up to summoning.

Can Arnold stop Andre the Giant (in a suit designed by Carlo Rambaldi)?

Of course, he can!  It's going to look bad-ass though, so still check it out.

A fun Film that maybe isn't as serious as some people would have liked.  There are instances where some people said that the Film wasn't dark enough or was made for 'family entertainment.'  

The Plot involves a woman to be sacrificed to someone a dark God and Conan kills like 50 people in this Film.

Was that a Family Film in the '80s?!?

(Other people's) Complaints aside, the Film is really gorgeous to look at, using real vistas and locations.  Seeing it in full 1080p HD for the first time was a delight.  It has lot of Action, lots of fun characters and a good Story.  Is it as deep as the original Film?  Maybe not.
Do I have a soft spot for the 'pulpier' Sequels in a Series (like Temple of Doom)?  Clearly.

Aside from a few random jokes, it's a good, serious Conan Film that delivers what you expect from a Film like this.  It has sword fights, monsters, a few Wizards and, well, more sword fights.

It's a shame that we didn't get a proper 3rd one, whether it was in 1987 (as planned), sometime in the '00s (with HHH as the Fan-Cast Lead), in 2012 (when Arnold said that it was planned), in 2017 when it was 'still being planned) or, well, now.

At least we can enjoy the Book version by...Robert Jordan?!?  The Wheel of Time guy?

Next time, I get back on track and give Denzel some attention.  Can he stop a deranged killer?  See you then...