Import Flix: Houseboat Horror (1989)

 A place where water flows backwards in toilets is maybe not the best place for Cinema.  This is Houseboat Horror, a 1989 Slasher Film that checks all of the cliché boxes.  I'll get into them later- don't worry.  This was a random, blind buy from the same Thrift Store as G-Men From Hell.  I wonder if it is worth going back to that place to find something new?  The Film has a ringing, but confusing, endorsement from Quentin Tarantino.  Everyone references this- since it is on the DVD Box- but I can't find the actual, full quote anywhere.  I wonder if he changed his mind?  Is there a second Film called Houseboat Horror that I'm not aware of?  The Plot is, well, really dumb and generic.  Even factoring that this Film was made in 1989, it is so stock that it should say 'Alamy' all over it.  Internet Zing!  It was apparently a bit of a mess to make too, as the original Director (and the credited one) was fired after 3 days  It also turns out that most of them weren't paid.  The Producer gives the excuse of them 'turning down pay for money on the back end.'  The Film was Direct-to-Video and didn't make a profit.  At least that is an honest appraisal, as opposed to the makers of Forrest Gump denying the Author of the Book his back-end profit saying that the Film (which grossed around $600 million) was 'still in the red.'  To be fair, the comparison here is more to Manos: The Hands of Fate- for all of the right and wrong reasons.  This is often called 'the worst Australian Film ever made.'  Does Young Einstein count?  To find out if this is warranted or not, read on...

A random couple is killed.  Well, actually, a random guy is killed, a woman sees it and then she is killed.

We have to draw out this Opening Kill Cliché to get this Film to 90 minutes (or is it less in metric?)

After more filler (basically just going 'Here is everyone.  I hope you remember all 42 Characters!'), we get the main Plot.

A Band needs to shoot a Music Video and the best place...is on a random lake in the middle of nowhere.

Too bad the infamous 'Sweet Child O' Mine' Video had a Budget bigger than this whole actual Film.

A crazed killer is lurking around and he makes sure to kill the Park Ranger first.  This makes no sense when you learn his motivation, but shut up.

While we get the above video and more random, boring character moments, he cuts their radio.

All they have left is 'this walk about phone.'  That's so Australian!

The killer is nice enough to hang out at his lair (which I guess is near the Lake) with some exposition newspaper about what happened to him.

Would you keep that around if you were burned?  Really?

As the body count rises, we learn that the killer also has a lady friend that watches over him.

You know she's crazy due to her make-up.

The final battle happens on the titular Houseboat as the Cast is whittled down to just a few assholes from like 20.

You had to know that the make-up job would be a bit disappointing here, didn't you?

He's not a Jason rip-off since he's afraid of fire, not water.  

Just pretend that The Burning didn't come out 8 years earlier though.

They take out the killer with flames and he falls into the lake.

To complete the full rip-off, our Heroine sees her friend (and Final Boy!) as burned up...but it was just a dream.

Sigh.

…and, of course, the killer pops up for a Sequel.

There is no Sequel.
The End.

I don't know if it is the 'worst Australian Film ever made,' but I can at least see why it got the reputation.  Just like with Plan 9 From Outer Space, it is easy to say that something is 'the worst' and stick with it.  Is it good?  Hell no.  The Plot is cliché.  Even factoring in when this was made, you get all of the lazy stuff.  The only one missing- the 'it's just a cat' jump scare.  As a trade-off, you get the 'person dramatically opens the shower curtain on their friend' (that hopefully nobody does in real life) bit to give us some nudity.  Given how dull this is, I guess a 'thank you' is in order.  The killer dresses like Jason.  The killer has a messed up face like Jason.  The killer has a mommy-style character like Jason.  The one thing he can't do is keep a weapon, as he constantly leaves it embedded in his victims.  If this was a gimmick or something, maybe it might work.  I think the idea was to mix up the kills and show off what they could do.  They can't do much, so...bad call.  His motivations are pretty lax and he never talks, so I guess you just have to accept it at face value- pun intended.  Almost none of the Characters are fleshed out or likeable, so there's no joy on the other side either.  The Music by Brian Mannix is kind of catchy, so half a star there.  Houseboat Horror was a Film that offered nothing new, save for it being in Australia.  Even with the benefit of time and nostalgia, it offers little.  On the plus side, one of its Stars went on to be in Captain America: The Winter Soldier...

Next time, I uncovered a forgotten TV Movie and now I can actually see it!  See the Sequel that you didn't know existed or know that you needed.  Stay tuned...

Quick Review: The City of Lost Children (1995)

 As the French say, 'Il est temps que je regarde ça.'  They also eat snails in butter, so they have no room to complain to me.  Let's see how this Cult Classic turned out...

On a seemingly-abandoned Oil Platform, a crazy Scientist is trying to solve his problem- he can't dream.

His solution- try to steal them from Children.

I want to know if that was his *first* idea or if there was somehow worse ones he crossed off his list first.

He sends his not-so subtle henchman to keep getting more Children from the nearby (and titular) City.

What kid wouldn't love these guys?

An especially-crafty girl gets caught in the middle as one boy is kidnapped by the henchman.  He happens to be the Little Brother of...

Ron Perlman?!?

Between this and Cronos, the guy loved to do '90s Films where he didn't speak the Language in.

Can the pair overcome the odds to rescue the kid?  Will the Scientist and his 'family' find the solution they are looking for?  How will Santa Claus play a part in this?

To find out, watch the Film.  It's free to stream on Amazon and Tubi, so get on it!

A weird, but slow Film.  For starters, the Film looks really good.  It has a very odd color palette and this was done before everyone just starting color-correcting everything with pre-made software.  Thanks again for that, Coen Brothers!  Evidently, the odd look was achieved by a soft version of color-correction and making up the Actors pale as possible.  Once you make them look 'normal' again, the whole thing looks...off.  There's lots of weird other things to see here as well.  You see lots of strange outfits, accessories and uses of gadgets.  According to Reddit, some of the Sets still exist (or at least did 6 years ago), so you can see it in a normal light for comparison.  The Plot is bonkers, but also not in a hurry.  Key Scenes play out in what feels like real time.  In many cases, it works to highlight the absurdity (like the kids' 5-part plan to get a key from behind a locked door).  In other cases, it is just Directorial excess.  There's also some weird, early-90s CGI courtesy of the future Catwoman Director-  Pitof.  Thankfully, none of the visuals are as bad as the original suit for the Alien Hybrid from Alien Resurrection (by the same Directors) apparently was!  Given the slow pace and strange feel, the Film is certainly not for everyone.  If you're a weirdo like me, don't wait any longer and just see it already.  When you're done, you can play the Playstation Version...

A slow burn of a Film, but it is always pretty.  Even if you don't quite get into the weird, esoteric nature of the whole thing, it sure is unique and crazy.

Lost in Translation: Saturn 3

 In Space, nobody can hear you go 'Huh...that's the Poster?!?'

Saturn 3 is a fun, much-maligned Film.

In Hungary, they got this Poster for the Film which, to note, featured mega-star Farrah Fawcett...

I mean...it does have a Robot.
It is important to the Plot.

Does it ever exit a Door to some sort of Jack Kirby-esque World in Space?

No.

It's...just a weird thing to focus on.

Here's the original...

The fact that a Poster this old and obscure (Japanese Posters, for instance, are way more prevalent) is cool enough.  The faded quality shouldn't be a surprise.

'70s Trash: Jack the Ripper (1976)

 Klaus Kinski as a crazed killer- what a shock.  Today's Film is Jack the Ripper, a 1976 Film by Jesus Franco.  The obvious hook here is Klaus as the killer.  It's no SPOILER- the Film shows him right away!  Let me ask the obvious question- did we need this Movie?  Even in 1976, there were alot of them.  Saucy Jack was all over TV and Films in the previous Years.  Can this one bring anything new?  Well, it is before Time Travel became a key Plot Point, so...we'll see.  To see if we needed another one, read on...

In jolly Old London, a killer named 'Jack' (Kinski) is on the loose!  The only living witness is a blind man, so he's good, right?

This shot is so good that it is on my DVD's Cover, apparently.

In a nice little twist, the killer has a helper.  

Unfortunately, they drag the body past a rare plant, setting up a Plot Point for later.

Jack is actually Dr. Orloff and he treats some patients.  If you think that this guy being a Patient and later having him talk to the Police about Suspects is important, you're right.

Do you write Screenplays?

One of the Detectives working the case has his own Subplot...

His Girlfriend is a Dancer and there's conflict over him being overly-protective. of her.  He's also a bit controlling, but trying to work on it.

Will this come into play later?

Kinski's Doctor/Jack is conflicted due to this past.  He's also a bit crazy.

So here's the thing: the Film was shot without sound, making the dubbing for distribution later quite easy.

I mention this because the English Dubbing literally explains his problem.  F@#k subtext!

A key piece of evidence- circumstantial as it is- involves the blind man recognizing a rare plant smell on the Doctor.

Will this be the key to finding Kinski?

The girlfriend/dancer goes undercover as a Burlesque Dancer to lure out 'Jack' and it works.

Less effective- the lighting on this DVD Transfer.

Kinski finally snaps and tries to kill the woman, but the Police arrive to stop him.

He hides from them...

...and then comes out like nothing happened.

They say that he's under arrest, but sarcastically wishes them good luck in proving it.  The Film just kind of stops there, so...um, the End.

A pretty nothing Film, even if it tries to do something.  The whole idea here is to focus less on the mystery and more on the man.  Kinski is good here, even if his performance is hampered by the fact that he's 100% dubbed.  It's hard to say how good he is when a good half of his performance was done by someone else, no?  His motivations aren't that interesting.  His Mom was a Prostitute and he hated her, so...he became a Doctor that killed them?  Nothing all that exciting or unique, no?  The other aspect involving the woman going undercover is alright, but is not a big hook here either.  Considering that she doesn't actually stop him is what kills it for me.  She just becomes another victim- who does survive, at least- so what does it gain us?  All of the peripheral ideas- like this and the blind guy helper- don't add up to enough to make this Jack the Ripper Film feel fresh or unique.  Just make him an Alien already or count me out!  Another quick note- make your fake blood look less like primer too...

Next time, a famous French Film finally gets its due.  If you're so Lost, maybe don't live in the middle of the Sea.  Stay tuned...

'70s Class?: Saturn 3

 In Space, nobody can hear you try to avoid an awkward threesome.  Today's Film is Saturn 3, a 1980 Sci-Fi Film.  Wait- do I have to watch Saturn 1 & 2 first?!?  Yeah, no.  That's the name of a Base apparently.  The Plot involves a pair of people in the titular Base getting a new helper...who wants to take over instead.  It's a great example of how people can have a good thing going until someone completely ruins it.  It is a pretty serious and high concept Film at its core.  It was directed by Stanley Donen, the man behind Charade, Bedazzled and Damn Yankees.  It's Star was Kirk Douglas, who also had a bit of an air of seriousness about him.  As you can tell by the release year, it was a bit influenced by Star Wars.  Weirdly, it actually goes further than that.  The man credited as writing the Story- John Barry- only has this as a Writing Credit.  He has more Credits, however, as a Production Designer and Second Unit Director.  One of his most notable works- Star Wars Episode IV: A New Hope.  To add even more to the connected nature of the pair, Donen is the *credited* Director, but, apparently, the bulk of the work was done by Barry!  Sadly, he died during his work as a Production Designer on the next Film- Star Wars Episode V: The Empire Strikes Back.  Is this Film more than just 'classy' Star Wars?  To find out, read on...

In a dark future, the Earth is apparently in bad shape and they have two people in the Saturn 3 Base (in the center of the Planet apparently) growing food.

The Intro is the underside of a ship slowly going over the camera while music plays.  I wonder where they got that from?

An Android is assigned to the Base, but is killed by another one who has some clear issues.

It fails the Turing Test and kills said random guy on the Base before it leaves.  Poor Bastard of Cinema?

He shows up and immediately goes about adding a fourth resident- a big-ass robot.

So, to be clear, an Android who can't act human enough is making a robot that he wants to act like a human...and it is based on his brain patterns.

They're doomed.

Android Keitel (who was dubbed in post-production) wants to replace Douglas and take Fawcett.

He's evil...but he has good taste.

Keitel and the Robot (this fall on CBS) bond and they both seem to love Fawcett.

Well, love might be a strong word.  
It's just more polite than lust.

Will they get what they want?  Can our Heroes escape?
Does this picture make you hurt just looking at it?

To find out, watch the Film.

Seriously, don't bring people in when you have a good thing going.  Seriously, the Film is good.  It has a bit of a reputation as a mess.  Is that warranted?  I mean, the Film could be better.  It could also be alot worse.  While it is weird to see Keitel dubbed, they did a good enough job matching his voice and getting a good performance.  Fawcett and Douglas do a good job playing a couple.  The Robot looks good and moves pretty well all things considering.  They supposedly spent around a million dollars on it, so it had better!  Was it a mess to make and trouble to shoot?  It sounds like it.  Even so, I don't think that really affects the final product all that much.  Saturn 3 isn't some amazing, sci-fi gem that you must track down right now.  I mean, it's not Galaxina.  Even so, it is actually kind of good, so check it out.  Here's a little glimpse behind the Scenes to close us out...

Next time, a familiar tale with a familiar Star.  Will they bring anything new to the table?  Stay tuned...

Poor Bastards of Cinema: Decoys II- The Second Seduction

 A classic setup- Horror Film kills Cop.

It's just too easy, no?

In Decoys II, a Cop interrupts a Couple making out in their car a la Manos: The Hands of Fate.
He, of course, saves a life in this case.

Later that same night, the same lady/alien finds him in his car.

Can you blame him for letting her make a move on him?

Of course, she freezes him and leaves his body to be found later.

The moral: don't mess around with blondes.
I'm more of a brunette guy.

Oh and don't make out with aliens that will kill you.  

Next time, I go from a Sci-Fi/Horror Film to a...Family Film.  You'll see.  See you then...

Quick Review: Knives Out (2019)

 Another List on the 'You Need to See This Movie' one is checked off.  Let's do this before Netflix pumps out 2 more...

The patriarch of a family (Christopher Plummer) is dead.  

Was it murder?
Suicide?

The Police and Benoit Blanc are on the case!

The family is full of people who act suspicious and have lots of motive.

Is it the angry one?  The upset one?  The subtly-angry one?

The will reading takes a turn that they don't like, leading to some more death.

Only one knife out so far though, for those keeping track.

Can Mr. Blanc solve the case as more clues begin to appear and suspects get even more suspicious?

Will the killer be caught?  Who is it?

To find out, stream the Film.

A fun ride with some good twists and turns.  Its one of those ones where I was pretty sure I had figured it out by the middle.  Even so, the execution of everything works.  A little line here is paid off, as is one at a different point.  It feels like one of those mysteries that you could watch again to spot all of the little clues throughout.  Many of these have a tendency to cheat by outright just not giving you a clue or two that you would need to solve the case.  Thankfully, they pretty much play fair here.  There's some that are omitted, but only partially and it is really just for a bit.  I have one critique here or there, but otherwise it is fine.  They give you enough likeable people to make it manageable with all of the bad.  One of them- a kid- is apparently Rian's 'response' to the so-called trolls who hated The Last Jedi.  While I was never a troll (I don't think) and I didn't hate it (it was disappointing though), this feels a bit petty, no?  I guess if you don't know it, the kid is just a jerk.  The Film is enjoyable and has lots of little details, even if one bit of casting doesn't hold up to Basic Math...

A good Film that plays like a classic Mystery, with a few tweaks here and there.  Keep Rian doing this and off of Star Wars now.

'90s Trash?: Split Second (1992)

 It is way longer than a second- -5 Stars!  Seriously though, this is Split Second, a 1992 Film with a Title so vague it could be about a number of things.  Is it about Time Travel?  How about a Time Loop?  Maybe some Indie Drama about a Couple torn apart by a split second choice gone awry?  Did I accidentally watch a Mumblecore Film?  Nope- it is a Rutger Hauer Vehicle.  This one is all kinds of weird.  Where do I start?  Well, it is a semi-Post Apocalyptic Action Film with clear Sci-Fi Elements, but also strong Horror ones too.  The Plot involves London, Hauer as a grizzled and grimy Police Officer and a strange Serial Killer on the loose.  Nobody believes him about what is really happening.  Will an unlikely new Partner make things work out great...or implode?  To find out, read on...

In a slightly-flooded-but-mostly-fine London, Hauer is a Detective who sure is grizzled and unconventional.

A woman is killed in a Night Club while he's nearby and a bloody message is left for him!

His coworkers don't believe him, still blaming him for the disappearance/death of his Partner.

Hey look- Pete Posthelwaite!

With him continuing to be aggressive and pushing the case, his Captain (who shockingly doesn't like him) assigns him a new partner.

Naturally, said Partner is buttoned-up, well-read and British.

It's the kind of crazy, mismatched stuff you get in the dark future of 2008!

As they work the case, the Partner learns about how a killer has been stalking the City and had a personal connection to Hauer.

How does it keep disappearing so suddenly?  Who (or what) is it?

Complicating matter is the widow of Hauer's Partner (Kim Catrall)?

She quickly becomes a target, since, you know, female agency hadn't been invented yet.

Also note her haircut, which tells you that she just came from Star Trek VI to film this.

Can he get the right combination of guns, guts and help to stop the killer?

Will the reveal of the killer's origins and secret make sense?

Can Hauer stop the creature?  Can his partnership (and his partner!) survive?

Will they do it all in a Split Second?

To find out, stream the Film on Prime and, you know, other places too probably.

A weird mix of Genres and Tone.  To say that this Movie is confusing is a real understatement.  Is it a Horror Film?  Kind of.  Is it a Sci-Fi Film?  Yes.  Is it an Action Film?  Yes.  Does it contain weird comedic moments and tonal shifts?  Also yes.  The whole thing is fun, but it sure is uneven.  One minute, he's sad.  Another minute, he's angry.  Now he's cracking jokes.  Pick a general Tone and personality, would you?  The Plot is decent, but again, uneven.  The person/creature/thing can clearly take out anyone at any time...but just doesn't.  There are times when I don't really know if it *really* wants to achieve its goal.  They later clarify how it has to do things a certain way...but I'm still not sold.  They do a good job building up the threat, mind you.  Hauer is good here and Alastair Duncan as the Partner is good too.  He changes the most here, going from straight-laced to free-form over the course of the Film.  Weirdly enough, I'm playing Middle-Earth: Shadow of Mordor and he's one of the Leads- what timing.  The killer- who I think you know is a creature by now- looks good and they build up to his/its reveal nicely.  It is worth noting that the Film implies that London is flooding, but never actually can show it.  Oh well.  Split Second is a fun, but confusing mix of Genres and Tone.  If that sounds good to you, you're golden.

Next time, I jump back to the '70s for a more hard Sci-Fi Film.  It has an All-Star Cast (of 3 people), a Planet and a number- the hat trick!  Stay tuned...