Quick Review: The Asylum's Hansel & Gretel (2013)

As we get a new Horror Film in Theaters today about this famous Fairy Tale, it is important to look back at the knock-off...to a 2012 Film also about that.  Life is complicated, sometimes...

In this Modern Update on the Tale, a young woman (Gretel) works at 'The Gingerbread House,' a Bakery run by That Lady From The Howling.

Hansel is...um, a guy who watches TV and plays Not Call of Duty.

After a fight, he walks away...immediately into the Woods.  I'm sorry, but do they live in a National Park?!?

His leg is wounded by a (human) trap and the pair end up at That Lady's House, which is less than 100 feet away.

 The next day, he ends up in the Basement/Dungeon, while Gretel is courted by That Lady.

When she hears Hansel, all bets are off and, well, Witch be tripping!

Hansel sees how bad life is in the Dungeon...and also how full it is.

This is a Town of like 20 people...and 7 are in this Dungeon.  How does nobody know?!?

As it turns out, the Witch has two Sons who do all of the chopping and dirty work.

It really wouldn't be a Direct-to-Video Film in the 2010s without killer Inbred Woodsmen, would it?

Can the titular pair survive their ordeal?  Will this actually be a good Asylum Film?

To find out, watch the Film.  It is on Streaming and VOD, but I watched it through Tubi.

A decent enough Film, if completely unoriginal.  Obviously, it is based on a famous Fairy Tale, so it can only be *so* original.  That said, the Movie this was designed to ape marketing-wise had the pair being grown up Witch Hunters- that was pretty original as far as that Story goes!  This one is just 'what if happened now?'  Kinda lame.  It is an Asylum Film, so it looks pretty cheap and was clearly made in California.  Sadly, the Water Processing Plant from around a dozen Asylum Films does not play a part.  The Film really only has one draw- dark, gory action.  The Movie is definitely 'for everyone' thanks to its content.  You see blood.  You see bones.  You see implied cannibalism.  They also do pretty blatant cheats in the Story- three Characters having nightmares- just to add some more!  It also makes sure that nobody comes out a winner in this.  Everyone with a remote emotional connection to our Heroes doesn't get a happy ending.  I won't go into it, but the Film doesn't even truly deliver one for anyone really.  Why is Freeway 2 a better Hansel & Gretel adaptation than you?  It has a few good moments and That Lady From The Howling clearly has fun with this.  If I hadn't already seen here play evil in that La Llorona Film, this would at least have that appeal going for it.  As it is, it feels way more like Wrong Turn than it should.  It's not the worst Asylum Film by far, but its bleak tone and gory nature make it pretty niche.  On the plus side, its Poster doesn't look like I made it in 10 seconds in Photoshop like this *REAL POSTER* for a Film with the same name does...

A fairly generic Horror Film that just tries to be dark.  Is it worth sitting through a Film like this if it offers nothing new though?

Quick Review: Midsommar (2019)

Alright, I finally get to see the Film that traumatized my Dad back in 2019.  No joke- that happened.  Will I be as disturbed?

A woman goes through some traumatic events (no SPOILERS as to what) and needs some comfort.

Her barely-there boyfriend ends up inviting her on their trip to Sweden.

They end up deep in the Woods with what is obviously a Cult celebrating the Midsummer Festival.

The group is full of interesting customs and feel like they are right of a Jodorowsky Film.

They are probably (definitely) evil, but you have to admire their style.

Can you trust people that won't let you leave, keep giving you LSD and carry big mallets?

As things start to get real (weird), will they finally figure out that they need to get the hell out of there?!?

Is anyone going to survive?  Will you ever feel safe going to Sweden?

To find out, watch the Film.  It's on Streaming, including with Amazon Prime (as I saw it).

A dark, but beautiful Film.  There are two key aspects of the Film to discuss.  First- the visuals.  The Movie looks beautiful.  If it didn't have all of the blood, death and murder, it would be a lovely travelogue for Sweden.  I really want to go now- I just don't want to be alone with any of the people there.  It's a complex emotional balance for sure.  I hope the Cinematographer and Director of Photography get lots of work based on what I saw here.  The other aspect- the dark as hell Plot.  Is it similar to The Wicker Man?  Yes.  It is the same Film?  No.  It has alot of stuff that is exclusive to itself too.  The Film works on its own, which is obviously quite nice.  The Acting is strong.  The Pacing is consistent.  The Film, as noted, looks amazing.  I know it is easy to just go 'It is just The Wicker Man.'  If you want a Film that is *actually* that, it would be this Film and not Midsommar...

A bleak, but gorgeous Film.  If you can stand the big scares and dark story, it is a winner.

Mondo Trivia: The Batman/Sharon Tate Murders Connection

In the wake of a renewed interest in the tragedy that was the Sharon Tate Murders- between good and bad Films about it-, I was reminded of this little tidbit.

The thing about the Murders is that people tend to focus on Tate- understandably so.

However, there were, sadly, other victims.

One of them- Jay Sebring.

He was a famous Stylist and former Partner of Tate.  He was attending the Party.

Here's where the less morbid part comes in as we flashback to 1966 on...Batman!

In Part 2 of a Catwoman Story ('The Cat's Meow'), she hides out at a Stylist's Shop with a pun name...

Hmm...

As this is the Climax, you get the typical fight- with a twist.

Mr. Oceanbring (not a criminal) spends the whole fight trying to stop them from knocking over his 'antiques.'  Now you know where Rush Hour got it from!

He has to save his vase, his statues and the like.
Naturally, he leans on and breaks the vase after they leave.

In case you didn't figure it out, *that* is Jay Sebring, in one of his few TV appearances.

I bet you didn't know that connection was there, right?

My Crazy Youth: The Time that Spider-Man Fought Dracula, The Wolfman and The Frankenstein Monster!

If the Centurions and Defenders of the Earth can get a scrap with the Count, why not a Marvel Character?

After all, Marvel did big business with Dracula in the 1970s.  His Comic ended in 1979 and this Show came out shortly thereafter.

Let's see how you mix a Kid's Cartoon Show with a guy who drains people's bloods to live in...

At a College Dance (sure!), a man hypnotizes Angelica (aka Firestar) while her friends bicker.

That man- Dracula!

He's super-impatient, so they immediately leave.  He tries to fly her to Transylvania alongside his Wolfman Butler.

His real face is, well, less dashing.

He also took some cues from The Master.

#WhoWoreItBetter

I couldn't properly Screen Cap this through Disney Plus, but let me tell you that there is an extended bit with Spider-Man and Iceman casually standing on a plane flying 20,000 feet in the air.

It is flying adjacent to Dracula's...as you do.

Anyhow, they get to Transylvania and Starfire transforms...before getting hypnotized again.  Who says that there no good roles for Women?

To make a long story (or a 23 minute one) short, Spider-Man and Iceman must fight Dracula's Werewolf Butler and his Frankenstein-style Monster.

Dracula's plan is foiled in two parts.  

First- the Monster wants to destroy Angelica (untransformed) since, well, fire bad.

He's stopped when she transforms back and blasts Dracula, breaking his control!

This makes the Butler return to normal and the Monster...um, fall apart, since it was apparently a robot.
Why not?!?

Also Dracula transforms to normal...which is very confusing.  Before you can think too much, the Episode ends.

Weird, glorious fun.  

This is just plain silly.  

It only has 23 minutes to do the whole story, so really rushes through the first part.  In the first five minutes, we have the setting, she meets Dracula, he hypnotizes her and they leave.  

She never got to find out if someone spiked the punch!  

Following that, our heroes- as mentioned- casually ride on an airplane!  There's so much 'oh, come on!' in this part that I really want this Episode featured with Guest Commentary from the Mythbusters!  So many weird things to discuss.  I won't mention them all- you really need to see it.  The high point: Iceman catches a falling Spider-Man (he was knocked off of Dracula's plane) by making on an ice bridge from the plane he's on, sliding down it to catch Spidey and then riding it back to the same plane!

By the time our Heroes fight a Wolfman and a Robot Adam, I'm almost too exhausted to see how weird that is!  

Of course, this Show also had Stan Lee doing the narration, so it is verbose and ridiculous.  

Between an earlier Marvel Cartoon appearance (no SPOILERS), the Anime based on the Gene Colan Comic and this, he sure stayed busy!  

Hell, he'd be a major player in a later Avengers Cartoon, only now he's got Castlevania-style Armor and more clear super-powers.  Spider-Man and His Amazing Friends wasn't a great Show, but it was a great time!  

For instance, I can share this Screen Cap with you and provide no context...

A strange aside that doesn't really fit in with the Series as a whole.  Granted- none of the Series really feels cohesive, so maybe that is the idea.

Lost in Translation?: Hammer's The Mummy

This Mummy comes to you from France by way of England...by way of Egypt.

The original Hammer Films are Classics- no question.

How then do all of the Posters hold up?

Let's see what le French artistes can do with this?

The Egyptian version of the Kool-Aid Man sure was darker!

To be fair, this does represent a Scene in the Film.

Even so, what a curious bit to pick, no?
Why an Action Shot at all?

Oh and here's the *quite different* original I found online...

So, as you can see, the original is more *well, alot more* blue.  I think the lady not being a Smurf adds to the terror, no?

Fiction vs. Fiction: The Exorcist III (aka Legion)

At long last, I read another Book!

In all seriousness, that is basically the gist of this.  I kept forgetting to get around to read many of the Books that I have that were later turned into Films.  I got the Book you see below many months ago.

Hell, I watched the Film first in 2011!

So how do the two stack up?
What is different?  What is the same?

To find, let's (slowly, but surely) read on...

 ***VS***

What's the same?: 
Both Films use the same basic Plot and beats.

A mysterious person is killing Priests (and one black kid) off-camera/page.
He or she does really bad stuff to us that is only described (and not shown in the Film).
Detective Kinderman suspects that it has to do with the Gemini Killer and...Father Karras.

Fun Fact: the Zodiac Killer (whom Gemini inspired) was a 'fan' of the original Exorcist.  He said so himself.

What's different?:
The Film is much tighter in terms of Pacing.

For instance, when Kinderman sees Father Dyer in the Book, it takes about 10 pages.  They banter about key stuff, but also nonsense.

In the Film, the Scene is much more brief.

Also, this is a random change: in the Book, he brings Dyer a toy bear with a funny shirt, but he brings him a stuffed penguin in the Film.

Why bother?!?

In the Film, Kinderman eventually sees Patient X (called Mr. Sunshine in the Book) and he can morph between appearing like Gemini and Karras.

In the Book, there is nothing that overt.

This is part of a larger feel of adding more mysticism.

A more minor, but curious change is that Kinderman's Partner (and other Cops in general) get way more page-time. 
Granted- they are always just sounding boards for Blatty's curious prose as the Detective.

Even so, it's a shame that they give Kinderman a 'token black partner' and stripped away all of his identity (and most of his lines).

Is that called The Winston?

Interestingly enough (to me) is the fact that Film's arguably most famous bit is implied much more than actually happens in the Book.

We hear that a Nurse was killed and about what happened to her.

In the Film, well, you know...

On top of *that,* the follow-up attack in the Detective's House doesn't happen in the Book- at all!

Now here, of course, is the biggest change from the Book to the Film...

The Exorcism!

Father Morning is made up specifically for the Film and serves as a very literal Deux Ex Machina (by proxy).  He stops the possessed woman from killing Kinderman at his home and tries to exorcise the Gemini from Karras.

Again- all of the more explicit supernatural stuff is in this Version.

In the Film, Karras lets himself be killed to end the whole thing.
In the Book, Gemini's Father dies of a stroke (not caused by him) and the spirit chooses to leave when 'its work was done.'

Yep, no random Priest to add in just to die in the Book.

Final Thoughts:
The Book is deep and cerebral.  There's lots of discussions about fate, humanity and all of that.

In other words, it is pretentious as hell!

Don't get me wrong- it's quite good.  It's just not the Horror story that the Film became.
It feels like a continuation of events that took place after 'The Exorcist.'
The Film is clearly a Sequel (and the only one that counts).

If you like the Film (the official or unofficial Cut), the Book is a nice companion piece that definitely has less 'pizazz' (or Pazuzu) than it.

If you like the Book, the Film is a more streamlined, but also expanded take on the source material.  There's plenty of stuff missing- including a bit where Temple argues with a double- that could have been in the Film.

Both are good, but the Film is perhaps a more brisk experience that gets you to the same place.  No, not Hell.

A few minor points off from the Book- it doesn't include the Cameos of Fabio, Alonzo Mourning or Samuel L. Jackson.  

Darn?

8 Crazy Moments From 'Voyage to the Bottom of the Sea'

As a fan of weird Films and TV Show, I'm drawn to the past.  With as much crazy as we get these days, there's a certain extra level of insanity from the 1960s.

Was it all of the Drugs?

Regardless, I talked a bit about this in the past, but I want to focus more on one Show that I've been watching weekly on DVR (since it runs at 4 AM on ME TV)...

An important note: the Show was semi-serious for the first 2 Seasons.  It was also in B&W.

As it got into Season 3 and 4, it was in Color and got crazy as hell.

Let me show you how...

8. Vincent Price as an Evil Pupeteer: Need I say more?

7. A Mummy: If you didn't know that this Show got weird, here's a Mummy.

Remember when this was about a Military Submarine and Science?  Well, here's a Mummy.

6. Irwin Allen's The Jungle: This one needs a bit of explanation, so bear with me...

An Alien hides on the ship in plain sight as part of the Crew.  He has tiny Soldiers that he can grow to help him.

His plan: terraform the Earth into a Jungle for his people.  Naturally, the Submarine is the first place to go...

5. Not the Illuminati: One day (or night- who can tell underwater), the ship is attacked by a strange force.

It turns out to be the work of these fish men who have a very complex plan.

Just kidding, they turn one crew Member into one of them (it is easily reversed FYI) and get beaten the way that all of these guys do.

4. A Magic Pirate- Why Not?: So Blackbeard is back.  Was he on the Show before?

He can teleport at will thanks to his magic sword and can turn people into his 'crew.'

Yes, the same guy who was turned into a fish man is transformed here.
Yes, these did air right after one another.

3. The Were-Yeti Episode: Right off the bat- yes, there is also an actual Werewolf Episode too.  This one, however, has some strange overlaps.

An attempt BY US at turning ice into Jungle leads to a Base in the Arctic going silent.
The survivors are taken on-board, but one man is not what he seems!

He transforms against his will- since the radiation that turns ice into jungle turns people into...this- as The Abominable Snowman!

2. Do you guys remember anything?!?: A Golden Lobster Alien shows up on board.  On any other Show, that would be the weirdest part.

After attacking the crew, it then speaks and says that isn't their enemy.  It says that it wants to help mankind.

It's lying.
They almost all fall for it.

The Captain makes a point about how you can only trick people once.  How did it trick you this time?  Every one of these creatures is the bad guy on this Show!!!

1. A Leprechaun: Need I say more?

I mean, really.

The final 2 Seasons have around 50 Episodes in total, so I'm not even covering all of the crazy.

If you're a fan of goofy Sci-Fi, check this out.  It's always played straight too, so it's the most enjoyable kind of nonsense!

Should I cover more Shows like this?  Let me know...

Quick Review: Deathday (2018)

It is fitting that a Film Series about Time Loops has one weird bit in the middle.  Is this really a rip-off or just deceptive Marketing?  Let's see...

From the Director of (oh shit!) Monsters in the Woods comes a tale of...people unearthing evil in the Desert?  Are you sure this isn't leftover footage from American Mummy?

One of the survivors of the Desert incident ends up dying at home, drawing the return of his two Daughters.  One of them is targeted by the evil, since...um...reasons.

She is attacked by strange, masked people and dies!

She subsequently wakes up like nothing happened, although it's still night, so, you know, less effective.

This is all due to the evil trying to take her soul...one piece at a time.

Oy vey- this is boring!

I honestly tried watching it three times and nothing much happens in the first half, save for some old-school gore.

In lieu of finishing this (since who else is going to bother?), here's a look at some strange Casting.
One of the people you see early on is Scott Menville aka the Voice of Robin on Teen Titans/Go!

Oh and the Film is often marketed under its original- less interesting name- The Campus.

As intriguing as this Poster is, I can't get past the poor grammar in the Tag Line...

Seriously, it's 'Morgan is' or 'Morgan's!'

Incidentally, there's also a 2009 Short Film unrelated to either Film.

It involves you being given the date of your death aka your Deathday.  Should I bother?

I mean, you can tell that I didn't care for it by now, right?  Deathday aka The Campus is a weird exercise in Horror.  It wants to be artistic.  It wants to be unique.  It also wants to throw lots of cheap gore at you.  It also wants to have a silly Plot that you can't take serious.  It also wants to have generic, uninspired guys in mask as killers.  Yes, it does escalate, but you have to get through ALOT to get there.  Is it worth it?  No.  The payoff is just not worth your time or energy in my opinion.  I was hoping to be pleasantly-surprised by this.  Alas, I was not.  No matter what Title you see this under, it's not that interesting.  Here's hoping that this 1968 Film is better...

A pretty nothing First Act that just sets up lots of random killing.  If you like little Plot and lots of gore, congrats.