Lost in Translation: Halloween II (1981)

Instead of doing one for the original Film, why not see what Japan has to say about the first Sequel...

...um, what?

Meyers is The Shape...but also a tree?

Whatever you say, Japan.

Lost in Translation?: Skinner (1991)

I've never critiqued the Poster for a Film Within a Film before.  This should be interesting...

Who's the scariest guy named after a Simpsons Character?  This guy...

Freaky-looking guy.  He sure as hell ain't friendly either!

This is actually for the Film Popcorn (one I need to see now), so the fact that this one exists as a separate entity is curious.

As always, here's the unaltered work...

Not much to improve, but I like to think that I helped.

As far as this Cover Model goes, how does he look in the Film?

Okay- now I *really* need to see this Film.

Poor Bastards of Cinema: Raw (2016)

This is a Poor Bastards of Cinema induction, but it does relate to a big Plot Point in the Film known as Raw.

If you don't want to know, just skip this one until you watch the Film.

You were warned.

In Raw, our Heroine struggles with a sudden desire to eat meat- no matter if it is human or animal!

Her Sister tries to help her in a bit of an odd way...

...by running into the street and causing a car to crash.

As it turns out, her Sister was apparently affected in a similar way a few years back.  Surprise.

Meanwhile, this guy and his friend are dead, the former getting a few bites taken out of him for good measure.

Basically, that is what they get for driving on a Country Road in France.

The moral: take a Bus.  They get killed far less often.

SPOILER Reviews: Blair Witch (2016)

Yeah, so I can't Review this one without SPOILERS.  I also don't think that it is notable enough to Review it twice, so...

So this follows the Brother of the Lead Girl from the Original as he goes looking for her almost 20 years later.

He's driven to go back by a YouTube Video uploaded by this guy on the end of a woman in the same Woods who looks like her.  Remember this.

Within only a day, they hear weird sounds and see the trademark Undertaker symbol around them.

As it turns out, the Witch didn't do the latter- it was the Townies.  Remember this.

The group kick the duo out- naturally- and get lost in the Woods, with their built-in GPS Devices failing.  How?  Why?

The other pair suddenly appear, now claiming that they've been lost for FIVE days and not less than one.  What is happening?

After three of the pair are picked off (mostly off-camera, because f#%k you), the guy finds a Cabin out of nowhere.

Naturally, he goes inside, leading to what made me want to skip writing a non-SPOILER Review...

The other Girl goes inside with him, but only after waiting outside for a Scene.  She's attacked by the Townie Guy- now with a beard, because magic- and has to crawl through a tunnel.

When she gets out, she now has his old Camera (which uses DV Tapes) and...shoots the Video that got them out there in the first place.  I'll give you a moment to either a) groan b) applaud c) some combination of the two.

The pair eventually get together and seek shelter in the corner, since the Witch can't kill you there now (apparently).  Never mind how anything worked before...and it doesn't matter, since 'she' just cheats by tricking you into turning slightly towards her.

Oh and this is the Blair Witch (in one of like 3 half-second frames in which she appears).  I hope it was worth the 17-year or so wait.  The End.

I wanted to not hate this.  To be fair, the only Blair Witch thing I kind of liked was that VHS tie-in that just had people telling interesting Stories that I'll never see.  That said, the Movie had lots of hype and promise behind it.  It was still Blair Witch.  It was still Found Footage.  So here's the problem: the Plot.  The whole thing hinges upon you just accepting some truly strange and stupid things.  So the Blair Witch has time-magic?  The Blair Witch waits 20 years to trick this guy into coming back?  The Witch killed everyone and then just went to Europe to 'find herself' or something?  There's no explanation for why anything actually happens here.  The 'joy' of a time loop is it setting itself up to happen.  In this case, it warped reality and time itself to bury a tape for a guy to discover to then upload on YouTube for a guy to see while having a Documentary made about him...so that they would go and subsequently make the tape that brought them there.  Are you with me?  It is a pointless twist, right?  What does it serve?  It just raises 6,003 questions and raises the stakes about 2%.  Worth it?  So if you want a generally-better experience with a Blair Witch Film that just s--ts the bed with the Plot Twist (and all that builds it up).  Incidentally, since I Google-searched these Images (as I watched a Blu-Ray), I was generally amused that this picture came up next to the group shot from earlier.  I couldn't make this up...

On one hand, it avoids most of the awful stuff from the Original.  On the other hand, f--king time loops made by a Slender Man Witch.

Lost in Translation: Halloween

With less than a week until the Holiday, I might as well looks at another Foreign Poster for the Film.

This time, it is En Espanol.

"Hey Steve, you put some blood on the Poster Design, right?"
"...uh yeah.  Why do you ask?"
"I'm just going to put some more on it.  It's a Horror Film, after all."
"Alright...but Frank just added some more..."

For comparison, here is the original...

Nothing major- just some more colors.  Hard to improve on this one.

Mondo Trivia: The 'Cannibal Holocaust'-'Spider-Man' Connection

Cannibal Holocaust is a famous Film that was once banned in over 40 Countries.

It is down to like 3 now.

While I won't go into the whole Plot here, this is what you need to know...

Robert Kerman is sent to the Jungle to find a missing Film Crew (not Mike, Kevin and Bill).

Smash Cut to 22 years later...

In Spider-Man, Green Goblin has set up a life-or-death scenario for the titular hero to solve.

Who should help save the day but a friendly Tugboat Captain- Robert Kerman

So what's the Story?

While doing an event celebrating the 20th Anniversary of Cannibal Holocaust, Kerwin Matthews here met Sam Raimi.

Impressed by his earlier work, Raimi offered him a job in Spider-Man.

Given his work in that Film AND Cannibal Ferox AND Eaten Alive (plus about 100 '80s Porn Films), could this happen today?

Creepy Rigatoni: Channel Zero, No-End House: Homecoming

Now that I'm done with the tale of Tooth Child and That Guy From Parks & Recreation (only Season 1), let me return to...

After a night in the titular House, our Heroine goes home to find...her dead Dad.

Don't be fooled- he's still an evil Clown with or without make-up!

Other people who visited the House are having some weird experiences...
- Visions of a Mother from the past.
- A Family in a Zoo-like cage.
- A man forgotten by those he loves.
 - A man replaced by...himself?!?

While the group tries to figure out what the hell is going on, we continue to get more visions.

Conflict arises as our Heroine thinks that her friend left her during her time of need...but also knows that her fake Dad is someone that she still misses.

You probably shouldn't get too close to him.  This is what happens when you do.

Another slow burn of creepy, random images.  This one doesn't feature Tooth Child, at least.  Our Characters are not that deep or super-relatable, but they still work.  You know that they aren't bad people, so you want them to survive.  Why is THIS so hard to do?  What they do well here is continue to keep a slow, but steady pace.  Stuff happens, but not so quickly that you can't process.  Stuff happens, but not so slowly that it doesn't feel like it is worth the wait.  When stuff happens, it sure is important.  That Ending bit that I didn't completely-SPOIL is almost worth the whole Episode alone!  No-End House does enough different to feel fresh, but also delivers on what you expect from the Series so far.  Again- how is THIS so hard to do?!?  Now if you'll excuse me, I need to steal this Street Sign, since it is just so groovy...

Next time, there is no End to the House...still.  What freaky thing will it dig up next?  See you then...

Lost in Translation?: Cannibal Holocaust

I make no bones about liking this Film.
I make no bones about liking Japan making things crazy.

What happens when two things I love combine?

Madness- that's what.

That sure tells me...that someone gets impaled.  That or some sort of statue (depending on the angle).

Why the green background?  Who knows.

As always, the original.

I like things a bit brighter.  I hope you do too.

'90s Trash?: Body Parts (1991)

At last, a Film designed to scare you away from Medical Science!  Today's Film is Body Parts, a 1991 Horror/Thriller about limb transplantation.  I don't pretend to be an expert on Medical History, but this kind of seems a bit outdated in 1991.  This is basically The Hands of Dr. Orlac, which at least gets a bit of a pass for being made in the 1940s.  The Captain America Story about the Painter who becomes a killer after he gets 'an evil, black hand'- less so.  In any event, this Film is about a man who gets an arm transplant and finds that it has changed more than just his grip.  Is the evil truly lying in his new limb?  Is he just crazy?  To note, the Film was made by Eric Red, the Director of such Films as...Night of the Wild?  Yeah, he has made a few Asylum Films- weird.  More notably, he co-wrote The Hitcher.  This becomes more telling as the Film goes on, but I'll get to that.  Is this one a forgotten Classic or silly trash?  To find out, read on...

Fahey here is a Psychiatrist treating a Patient in Prison.  He's a smart, serious man.

His life changes when a dramatic car accident strikes!  It is so bad that it defies the laws of Physics to shoot him out the *front* window from a rear collision.

To note, the Film was cut for an X-Rating (and not restored on this Disc) by removing a scene of his severed, twitching arm on the road here.  Yea?

He's given a new arm as part of an experimental treatment.  No time to ask questions!

It starts to have side-effects, however, and it makes him look into the donor.  Said Donor- a Killer.

Naturally, this operation was done so quickly that neither of his tattoos were removed before the operations!

To find answers, Fahey tracks down other people that got donor limbs from him.  A Painter- Brad Dourif- who now paints dark images from the killer's past- and an Athlete- who now has random urges in his donor legs.

Does evil lurk inside each limb?  Is this really stupid?  Does the Film treat it seriously?

 His strange and erratic actions lead to his wife kicking him out of the house.  What next?

After talking more about the donations with the men, some strange stuff happens- those men are killed in violent ways.

Can you tell that this guy wrote The Hitcher yet?

It turns out that a strange man in a neck brace is behind the killings.  He somehow survives a random car explosion- caused by crashing into the back of a parked car- and he's helped by...the Doctor?

So here is the (silly) explanation...

She kept the killer alive somehow by way of Medicine and transplanted all of his extremities.  His brain lived on, somehow making the other see visions...somehow.

Either way, he kills the man with the donor head, the Doctors and destroys the killer's impossibly-alive torso.  The End.

Wow.  This one started out normal enough and then just went crazy.  I like that they 'explained' why things were happening in this one.  I laughed when they did so as well.  Seriously, it is freaking nuts!  This Doctor was so into her Science that she experimented on a famous Serial Killer.  I don't know why she couldn't have picked someone nicer.  You also have to explain how she did two arm transplants, a double-leg transplant AND a head transplant all in a short time!  So the Killer's mind was so strong that he took over a new body and could partly-control his disembodied limbs?  I'd love to know who Consulted for this one.  If you can get past the silly Premise, you can...actually, one more.  So the killer in the Third Act somehow grabs Dourif's arm as he's hanging out of the window and it pops off easier than the lid on a jar of pickles.  Which Doctor consulted for this- Doctor Zoidberg?!?  Where was I?  Silly premise and stuff aside, the Acting is good and the Direction is alright.  Knowing how much they cut out to avoid an NC-17 Ratings makes you wonder about how much they just wanted to show Gore rather than tell a Story.  If you're into this kind of ridiculous-but-serious stuff, the Film is worth the wait.  It gets really silly, loud and full of explosives as it wraps up.  It is not a perfect 'so bad it's good' Movie due to Pacing, but it is an effective one for the more patient viewer.  I should also mention that this Film is famous for being promoted right when the truth about Jeffrey Dahmer came out- nice!  If you needed any more proof that this was made in 1991, here it is...

Next time, some more probably-crappy Horror.  What will I dig up next?  Stay tuned...

Pilot Wings: American Horror Story- Murder House

Anyone and everyone can Review the newest Episodes of FX's AHS.  It takes a weirdo like me to go back to the very beginning...

In a Cold Open, two Twins- Horror Cliché #527- smash up a House, but are then seemingly-killed by someone or something.

In the Present, the same House is now bought by this Family.  They look so happy.

Looks can be deceiving.

He cheated on her, she has control issues and the Daughter is acting out for attention.  America!

In addition, he has a Patient with some dark, Columbine-esque fantasies.  On the plus side, he's already set to front a metal band!

With a weird lady- Jessica Lange-, a weird girl, weird visions and overall just plain weird shit going on, what will become this family?

Well, watch it on Netflix like I did to see.

An interesting start to something that became pretty damn huge.  Who would have thought that a Horror TV Show by the guy behind Glee would become so big?  The Show has some interesting, if random beginnings here.  This Episode is a real mish-mash of Themes and Motifs.  You get creepy twins, a strange girl, a man seeing visions of an age-changing Maid, a burned up man (see below) and a hint that some ghost stuff is going on.  At this point, it doesn't seem to have quite nailed down what it wants to be.  Is it about Ghosts?  Is it about crazy people?  Is it something more?  To be fair, this is the Pilot/1st Episode, so they have/had time to work it all out.  It could get more clear and focused as it goes on.  Just going by the Pilot, however, it is more of a 'throw everything at the wall and see what sticks' kind of thing.  That's not bad, mind you, just uninspired.  Clearly it is too late to make people not watch the Show- not that I am.  I was just hoping something mind-blowing here.  Oh well.  Maybe I'll check out the later Pilots/First Episodes to see how things turned out.  In the meantime, I just need to remind you again- don't wash your clothes with gasoline.  He did and it...it didn't end well.

A good, but awfully-random start to a TV Phenomenon.  I'm sure that it narrows a bit in focus as it goes on...but man is this one just kind of odd.

New Flix: It Comes at Night (2017)

At last, the Indy Film that seemed to polarize everyone that saw it.  Which side will I be on?

In a dark semi-future (time is never given), some sort of vague, viral threat has wiped out most of humanity.

The Film follows a four- quickly three- person family trying to survive in an admittedly-nice Cabin in the Woods.

There is only one Entrance or Exit- this red door.

When someone comes knock knock knocking at their red door, will trouble ensue.

The family incapacitates the intruder and fortifies even more.  What will he have to say?

It turns out that he has his own family- a wife and son- and they agree to let them stay.

As vague, unseen forces cause trouble outside, tensions rise.  Are the new people up to something?

What will happen in this confined space?  Who will live?  Who will die?

To find out, watch the Film.

Good, but dark as hell!  This one is really, really bleak.  It is really depressing.  To be fair, they begin with the assisted suicide of an infected family member.  The premise is that these people are hiding out in the Woods alone, paranoid as hell.  It is not like this sounded like a Comedy!  Even so, it is darker and bleaker than you might expect.  Another problem is that the Film was really sold as a Horror Film, when it is much more of a Thriller/Drama.  There are no Vampires, Zombies or anything like that.  This is just people facing dark times and adjusting to them.  The Title and Marketing sure were misleading!  Putting that aside, the Film is well-shot, well-acted and feels gritty.  In the end, it is a dark, well-meaning Film that is just not the Film it was marketed as.  While it won't kill you, it sure will wreck you emotionally if you aren't careful!

Not a bad Film, but a slow-burn of one that is a bit too dark.  Can't you give us *a little* hope in your hopeless World?