2023 Catch-Up: Meg 2- The Trench (2023)

 A day off, a flu shot and Jason Statham.
What more could you ask for?

In the Cold Open, a Meg kills a T-Rex after a Scene right out of one of those CGI Dinosaur Shows.

Meanwhile, this Film cost $140 million.

Also, there is no context or setup for this Scene- which is actually from 'The Meg'- at all.  Sigh.

The Film takes place 4 years after the last Film and the Institute has been raising the baby Meg there.

The one guy is convinced that it is trained...but is it?

Most of the Cast of Characters goes back into the titular Trench, but is prepared this time.

However, they are NOT prepared for industrial sabotage!

Yes, this Film about killer Sharks is going to focus heavily on *checks notes* people fighting other people.

Things eventually escalate to a big battle between man and monster at...sigh...yet another Chinese Resort Island.  Hurray for marketing.

Come for the Sharks.  Stay for the random dinosaurs and giant squid!

Who will win?
To find out, stream it now.

It's all a bit 愚蠢的 isn't it?

Sorry- it's hard not to write for the Chinese Market when it comes to this Film.  I kid...but not really.

The Film is really ridiculous.  It is one of those Films that just keeps moving, because if it ever stops, you'd start asking questions that it simply cannot answer.

I have few though...

How did those little dinosaurs swim all of the way up to the surface?
Why did they do it?
Why does the Main Villain decide to visit in-person?
Why does that Squid bother to eat people so small in relation to its size?
Why did they kill the Wife off-screen?
Is it a notable achievement that the Black Guy Survives the Horror Film if he's the only one in it?

The Film is all over the place, for better or worse.  You get to see Statham fight a guy who looks like Pedro Pascal's Stunt Double instead of the Sharks.  You get a constant barrage of nonsense Action Scenes.

It's not good.  It is enjoyable though.

A big, bulging example of Sequelitis on display.  It's the kind of silly that you can't stay mad at though.

Shudder Day: Creepshow- 'Meet the Belaskos' and 'Cheat Code'

 Another Episode of Creepshow is on the menu.

At this rate, Season 5 will be out by the time I finish this if I keep to the '1 Segment a Week' plan.

Let's do the whole Episode then.

In Meet the Belaskos, a family of Vampires moves into a 'mixed community.'

Their nature is not a secret, which their upset neighbor is all to aware of.

Their Daughter and the Neighbor's Son fall in love.

This love can't last, so see what twists and turns will come their way.

In Cheat Code, a Father tries to connect with his Son in the wake of his Mom's death.

By the way, we're two for two with dead Wives, as the Neighbor's Wife was also dead.

His Son is a gamer, so he tries to bond with him over a Not-Atari game called Weird Wednesday.

This Game- which is a juiced up version of Paperboy- is supposedly cursed.

Does that explain where their friend went?

To find out the full secret of the game, stream the Episode now.

A pair of very different, but good Segments.

The first one has a nice story twist on the Vampire Clan/Family Story.  Seeing a normal looking Suburban Family that just happens to be Vampires is neat.

The fact that the humans are the bad guys here is not the most unique twist, but is still different enough to help.

Thankfully, we get some great Vampire action to really seal the deal.

The second Segment is super sketchy as far as this being an Atari game.  It's clearly a game more in the vein of modern 8-bit games.

That said, the Story itself is fun, really playing with the Video Game story.  The actual Story is nothing special, but I had fun.  Random Lochlyn Monroe sightings are always fun.

They do a good job with the silly Plot here and I'm all in.

Definitely check these one out, especially for this Stephen King reference.

Two very different Stories, but I enjoyed them both.  You will too...or else!

Tubi Thursday: Smile (2009)

 Wait- is the new one a rip-off?

You'll just have to wait and see...

A bunch of people are traveling through Morocco on break from College.

Yes...College.  Sure.

They randomly stop watching the road and nearly crash.

Our Heroine- who narrates the Intro, but no other part- loses a camera to a sneaky person.

She buys a new...actually old camera from...Armand Assante?!?

Yes, he's in this, after randomly appearing in the Cold Open with zero context.

It is an instant camera from the '60s, which is fine until a strange man tries to kill them in the Woods.

Said man dies later- off-screen- after they take his picture.  He rants about it leading to people's deaths.

They don't believe it until more of their friends die a bit after having their picture taken.

The means varies quite a bit, but somehow all relates to Assante.

Our Heroes escape the city and then just go online to dump exposition to explain what was going on.

I won't SPOIL it- it's kind of too dumb/silly for me.

To find out what happened, stream the Film.

It's...alright.  I was hoping to uncover a hidden gem.

Sadly, many of these Films aren't famous or notable because they are just not that good or interesting.

In many ways, this is more like a Final Destination Film, just without the bizarre flourishes and with much more dubbing.  The Characters are all pretty one-dimensional, sadly.  At least the FD Films kind of make up for that...but not Smile.

The idea of a haunted camera is a good one.  A version of it was used many times over the years, be it the Fatal Frame (in the U.S.) Series or that one Paranormal Activity Film.  It's just a shame that the execution is pretty lame.

When it all comes down to it, the Film is slow-paced, full of Characters that aren't interesting and only kind of picks up at the end.  

Does the Ending make much sense?  No.  That said, it is weird to see an Italian Director- Francesco Gasperoni- do a J-Horror riff.

The only non-Horror appeal here is all of the legit footage of Morocco.  Speaking of legit, here's the ORIGINAL 2009 Poster...

***Above is the original Poster.  Below is the Poster for 2022's Smile.  See it now? ***

A

2023 Catch-Up: Five Nights at Freddy's (2023)

 After watching the knock-off, let's see the original.

Mind you, the 'original' is a Game Adaptation based on the idea that The Rock-afire Explosion was scary.

Are you ready to be scared by the robots of Freddy's?

Well, you don't see them in the Syfy Opening bit and you don't really see them in action until *checks watch* a while.

Instead, let's follow Josh Hutcherson and his...emotional trauma.

He's scarred by an experience when he was a kid, dreams of the moment constantly (that's healthy) and can't hold a job on account of his mania.

He gets hired to be the new Security Guard at Freddy's by Matthew Lillard.  Scooby?

Okay, so he's going to either turn out to be the Bad Guy, a 3rd Act Shock Death or Sequel Bait.
Everyone place your bets!

This Cop lady befriends him on the job.  Did they need to hire a lady who looked like Jennifer Lawrence for this BTW?

She's good, but it is a bit distracting.

After lots of drama involving child custody disputes (between the Aunt and Josh acting as the 'Dad' to his much younger Sister) and more dreams they thought of after watching Channel Zero: Candle Cove, we get some kill filler.

Will the animatronics please show up now?

Well, they do.  They can't do any killing on-screen per se (due to the PG-13 Raiting), but we do get the build-up to the ultimate evil.

Another Animatronic Creature!

Can anyone survive the 5th Night?

This is an odd one, to say the least.  I had zero expectations for this one.

For starters, the Plot is way more serious and darker than you might expect.  Maybe more the former than the latter.  Josh's Character is way more than Guy Who Watches Monitors.

That's good.  That said, the Plot revolves around everyone important to each other all living in a small town and constantly crossing paths.  I have next door neighbors that I have zero connection with, but these people are all intertwined!

There's an odd tonal confusion here.  Simply put, they can't show the major gore that you would expect.  That said, they can talk about some REALLY, REALLY dark stuff that they just don't show.  

Is that how this works?  You can make a PG-13 Film where the Plot has the villain cut out and eat our Hero's brother's heart, but, since we don't see it, it's all good?  

Oh right- that was Disney's The Lone Ranger.

The actual draw here- the Animatronics- look great.  They just need a Film that gives them far more to do, whether we see blood or not.

Just know that this is less about the Plot of those Games than you might hope.

I'll leave you with this random Behind the Scenes Photo that seems to silly to be real (but is)...

A Film that, for better or worse, tries to do way more than set up jump scares for Twitch Streamers.  It made a ton of money, so maybe it was the right call?

Hire A Carpenter!: Starman (1984)

 How is this his ONLY Oscar-nominated Film?!?  

After making a great (but impossible to market) Film in The Thing, Carpenter needed to do some more commercial stuff.  As such, he agreed to do Christine and then this Film.  

1984's Starman was long gestating (pun fully intended), but thankfully it came into his hands.  Thanks, Producer Michael Douglas.

It did quite well, thankfully, and even got 2 Oscar nominations.  Shockingly, neither was for Carpenter.  To pile on the insults, the Film's Composer WAS nominated- only this was one of the rare times that Carpenter didn't Score/Co-Score his own Film.

Ouch.
To be fair, it is a great Score too.

The Film is about the titular Starman who comes to check out the Earth.  Naturally, the US Government views him as a threat and tries to capture him.  You can blame this on Cold War Panic, but, honestly, imagine it happening today.  Would it be any different?

How is the Film?  Let's check it out...

In 1979, we sent a Satellite out into Space broadcasting a signal of 'Welcome' to Alien Races, showing our Culture and the like.

One Alien does show up.

Meanwhile, poor Karen Allen is mourning her dead Husband.

The Alien- which seems to be just energy- shows up at her Hourse (it wouldn't be a Film if it didn't) and takes on the form of said Husband.

This is because she is watching footage of him.

Imagine if she was watching Friday the 13th!

The Starman needs to go cross-country to go where the Mothership is going to be in 3 days.

She's...not happy about the whole thing- and with good reasons.

She keeps trying to find a way to get away from him or to get help.

She tries to call for help, leave a note and even slip out the back door of a Diner.

Things change when she sees him bring a deer back to life!

The duo stay on the run as the government is in pursuit.

Kind of ironically, the Lead Agent is named Fox and is played by Richard Jaeckel.
That's almost Jackal, you see.

I'll see myself out.

Along the way, the pair fall in love.

Him having her dead Husband's face is probably a factor.

They have sex on the train, which is shown via this shot and then a train entering a tunnel.
Cliche ahoy!

The friendly Scientist- he has a name, but do you care?- works against Jaeckel Fox when he learns that they plan to dissect Starman.

He happens to meet up with the pair first and convinces the Police that they are not the ones they are looking for.

He didn't even need to do the Jedi Mind Trick.

The stalling doesn't last long and they have to go to a giant Crater to meet the Ship.

Starman's body is breaking down and he needs to leave- stat!

The Ship arrives and takes Starman aboard.  

Allen can't leave with him, sadly, but she is pregnant with his baby.
Thanks to the alien technology, it is technically her dead Husband's.

There's no time to unpack that- or how the Government would treat her- since the Film ends right here.

The End.

I'm kind of annoyed at myself for taking so long to see this one.  In case you're new here, I'm a huge John Carpenter fan.

For starters, Jeff Bridges is really good as the Title Role.  He definitely deserved that Oscar Nomination.  

Did Kurt Russell deserve one, for, one example, The Thing?  Yes.

Karen Allen is really good here, as is pretty much everyone here.  Jaeckel is good fun as the Evil Bureaucrat is always good too.

The whole package is great and is probably a good Intro to John Carpenter for your friends/family/what have you that aren't Horror Buffs.  It really is good.

As a Carpenter Fan who likes his Horror and hard Sci-Fi, it is nice to see him play with a much less dark tale.  The man has range.

That said, whoever made the DVD Menu really did Jeff Bridges dirty here...

Next up, I'll switch from a Director I love to an Actor.  Let me get my money's worth out of that latest Vincent Price Boxset.  Stay tuned...

Tubi Thursday: Freddy's Fridays (2023)

 Before I look back at some of the Films in 2023, let's look at a rip-off by people related to Winnie The Pooh: Blood and Honey.

Makes sense...

A man brings a Hooker to an abandoned building and has her read from Not The Necronomicon.

What could go wrong?

This summons Freddy (the dog guy- who I guess is supposed to be animatronic) and his companions, who kill her while the guy watches on.

He mentions something about 'needing 2 more' while he cowers.

A Detective- an Actress who's been in a bunch of Films like this Blood & Honey, Mary Had a Little Lamb and... Christmas with the Pups?!?- investigates this, talking to the Hooker's Employer.

She mentions that the woman is the 6th missing person- all Hookers/Call Girls- in as many 6 weeks.

Freddy and his companions sure are a disparate bunch.

A dog man, a fat clown, a scare crow and a living doll.

What's the theme here (besides murder)?

It all has to do with the evil Book, which seems to summon them.

Can the Cop solve the case?
Will it strike too close to home?

To find out, stream this one now.

It's not great.  That said, I've seen far worse on Tubi, even in the Low-Budget Slasher Genre.

Negatives- the kills aren't that interesting, what is the Theme and how lazily it rips off Five Nights at Freddy's.

They make a point about everything happening on the FIFTH night for the curse, by the way, in case you didn't make the full connection.  It involves a brief argument about Calendars, which more Horror Films need.

Complaints aside, the Acting is not bad (the Lead Actress is quite good, if a bit melodramatic), the Direction is decent and the creatures look pretty good.  They got an animatronic look to Freddy's eyes (likely CG, but not sure on this Budget) which is nice.  Watching them try to act like they are robots when they are just people in costumes is kind of funny too.

I just wonder- can people like this make and sell a Movie without that gimmick?  Can you sell your Slasher Film without using Winnie the Pooh, The Grinch or Steamboat Willie?

If not, I kind of wonder this- 'Why bother?'

On that note, why are there multiple Titles for this one?  Copyright issue?

A decent enough Film that manages to be a Slasher you can enjoy.  You will either love or hate the stigma of this being such a blatant cash grab though.

(Technically) '80s Trash: Dangerous Men (2005)

 A Film that defies time and space (and also logic & narrative consistency).  So let me explain the Title...

Dangerous Men was shot in 1984 and 85.  However, it wasn't released.  Instead, the Director kept working on it until it was *actually* released in 2005.

What do you expect from a guy named John S. Rad?

The Director was actually an Iranian man named Jahangir Salehi Yeganehrad (auto correct is not happy BTW) who fled the Iranian Revolution in 1979.  The Film was finally screened in 2005 in Theaters....after he essentially rented out an L.A. Theater to show it.

It reminds me of when WWE Films would release their DTV Films in one L.A. Theater for an afternoon, just so they could promote the 'uncut' Film as 'not being the one shown in Theaters.'

What the hell is this about, you ask rudely?  Well...that's a good question.

To find out, Rad on...

The Opening Credits tell us two things.

The first- John S. Rad (or John Rad in other parts) did everything.  He's both a Producer AND Executive Producer.

The second- this Film will be dangerous.  How dangerous?

Well, the Title Card just exploded!

In a Series of disparate Scenes, we meet a Cop, his Brother (who might be the same guy?) and we do so in really random ways.

We see the Cop once and then he breaks up a Convenience Store Robbery, killing a man.
We see the Brother wake up a woman in bed, who is thankfully his Fiance/Wife and they get romantic.

Things change when the duo go on the Beach and some Bikers target them.

The guy kills one of them (while the other makes moves on his wife) and then he gets killed.  The (apparently) annoyed Biker goes to leave...

...but the Woman asks her to take her with him.  Huh?!?

We see them have Dinner and rent a Hotel Room.

She *eventually* pulls a knife hidden in, well, she wasn't wearing clothes, so....guess and kills him.

She hitchhikes and is picked up by a British Man, whereupon she falls asleep.

He's also a creep, so she has to use- presumably- that same knife to threaten him and leave him naked in the desert.

Why not spend 5 minutes watching him monologue about this?!?

She hires a Hooker and asks to learn how to be one, whereupon this Film goes Ms. 45 and she just starts killing her 'Johns.' (not her John S. Rads though).

Call 'Stan Lee!'

The other Cop- remember him?!?- is on the case and he thinks that this relates to a Biker Gang...somehow.

He's right, leading to an awkward Scene where he saves this woman from attempted assault...only to use her to lure in a different Biker for the same purpose.

No joke- he gets his foot stuck in the car seat trying to get out and save her.

The lady's whole Plot ends abruptly when she's arrested...and never mentioned again.  Joy.

This Film is all about the Cops stopping this Biker- who was never shown before- now.  Deal with it!

Our Hero actually FAILS to stop him- no joke- and he finds a blind woman at her home.  Captain Stan Lee comes in to save the day as the Film just abruptly stops on a Freeze Frame.

I wish I was kidding.

Did he really spend 20 years trying to make this into a good Film?  Sadly, he's not around to ask him...because I have so many questions!

This Film is actually considered to be a modern Cult Classic, since it- like Winterbeast- was a long-delayed piece of crap that got released in HD as a 'must see.'

I bought both of them now- albeit through Rifftrax- so who's the weirdo here, I guess?

The Plot, as it was, is a big old mess.  It features people acting weird, random Scenes and just some of the worst, well, everything.

The Acting- bad.
The Writing- bad.
The Camera Work- bad.

Here's a quick example of how bad this one is.  One Scene features Captain Stan Lee listening to a guy via a PA System (which is clearly just him recorded on tape).  Said guy MESSES UP HIS LINE and they kept it in.

How?  Why?  Huh?  I mean...what?!?

With Rifftrax, this is a bizarre watch, but pretty fun.  It is less 'funny bad' than a Samurai Cop and more just 'bad, bad.'  If you are one of those people who like the more messed up or bad Movies from the MST3K days- like Red Zone Cuba or Monster A-Go-Go, this is a good one.

To give you an idea of how long the turn around is, the top picture is of one guy in the Film.
The bottom is his CURRENT headshot on IMDB.

* Before and After *

Next up, I finally get around to some more John Carpenter.  I've earned this- I really have.  Stay tuned...