Double Rip-Off Cover Art: Zombie WarZ- Falls the Shadow

Sometimes it's just too easy.  I don't mind...but it can be.

Zombie Warz: Falls The Shadow looks and sounds like another 'I have $1,000, so let's make a Zombie Film' Movie.  Hopefully I'm wrong, but, just to be fair, let's take a look at the Cover Art being featured in your local Redbox...

Does this look familiar to anyone else?

I think I can help anyone who may be scratching their heads here...

Oh yeah, just in time for Star Trek (:) Into Darkness' imminent DVD/Blu-Ray Release, we've got a Zombie Film ripping off their imagery.  Joy.

Oh and way to rip-off World War Z.  Double joy.

G. Gordon, Stuart: Fortress

All locked up and nowhere to go.  Today's film is Fortress, a long-forgotten Sci-Fi film.  How can it be so forgotten though?  It's got Christopher Lambert- he was in one respectable Highlander film!  It's got Jeffrey Combs- he was in two good Re-Animator films!  It's got Vernon Wells- he was in The Drawn Together Movie- The Movie!  It's' got Kurtwood Smith- he did blow in Robocop!  It's by Stuart Gordon- he wrote Space Truckers!  Hell, even the Supporting Cast is made up of people who aren't big names, but were in a lot of great movies.  People like Lincoln Kilpatrick (The Omega Man), Clifton Collins Jr (most recently Pacific Rim) and Tom Towles (The Devil's Rejects) are here to fill out the ranks.  So what's the deal?  I don't know.  Regardless, I got it for $2.99, so I might as well Review it.  In the Dystopian future of...four years from now, you can only have one kid.  If you have a second, it belongs to an evil Corporation.  When you don't go along with the plan, you end up in the Fortress.  Just a side note: HBO used to *constantly* tease me by saying that they were going to play it, only to play a 1985 film of the same name.  Screw you.  So, yeah, the movie.  To find out whether it was worth my $2.99, read on...

Lambert and his wife try to flee the United States.  Traffic sure is rough the night before The Purge, huh?

Lambert gets caught- as their first child died in labor, they had to flee to deliver another- and sent to the Fortress.  I hope some TV Star isn't running the place.

Aw crap- it's Kurtwood Smith.  You can tell that this movie was made in 1992, since he isn't completely bald yet.

DNA is a bitch, huh?

Lambert and Collins Jr end up in a cell with...Jeffrey Combs?  Well, it is a Stuart Gordon film.  He wasn't the Warden like I guessed, but oh well.

Lambert gets in a conflict with 187 (Vernon Wells, as opposed to Snoop Dogg).  After the fight, The Warden shows him who's in charge by just blowing a chunk out of Wells.

It's a neat visual, but how can you not be sure that your stomach is missing?  I'm just saying...

As it turns out, The Warden is some kind of synthetic man, which is apparently what the Corporation does with the babies.  He has developed a man-bot crush on Lambert's wife- who is also in the Fortress-, which gives her a chance to help Lambert escape.

He'd better hurry up with that whole 'breaking out' thing as Smith is about to take his baby out to make some more...whatever the hell he is.

The living members of the crew make it to a Barn to deliver the baby.  However, the film is not content with that Climax, so it needs one more involving a robot-controlled truck.

We get a fake-out for a super-dark ending, but that just leads to all being well.

That is, of course, until Fortress 2: Re-Entry.  More on that in the future.  The End.

It actually holds up quite well.  I'm not sure what I was expecting, but it's a lot better.  Films like this really tend to live or die by the gimmick.  If you don't buy the setting, it falls apart completely.  This one works, however, as they really lay the 'you can't get out' schtick on really thick.  The place is so rough that they even monitor your dreams and punish you if you have happy ones.  That is one harsh place!  The film really works due to everyone involved doing such a good job.  Everyone plays their part to perfection, whether it's Combs' nerdy guy or Wells' super-mean bully.  They even add little nice touches to the characters like Wells fearing his imminent demise and Combs' dark back-story.  The film does its best to hide its budgetary limitations, giving you some nice robot explosions- complete with goo- and they do spring for one exploding barn.  It's more than a film I have coming up does, so bear that in mind.  If you love Lambert or Stuart Gordon, give this one a look.  If you're as lucky as I am, you'll easily get your $3 worth from it.  Take us away, familiar Jeffrey Combs character...

Next up, we take a quick break from Fortress films to discuss a recent bit of Foreign silliness.  It looks and sounds like an Asylum film, but comes from...China.  Stay tuned...

Poor Bastards of Cinema: The Punisher

I just kind of stumbled across this one, so bear with me.

In The Punisher (1988), the Yakuza kidnap the children of the Italian Mob Family to control their territory.  The film tries to be 'arty' by cross-cutting the scenes of this a la The Godfather.

Unfortunately, one little fella gets caught in the crossfire.

A Nanny and Panda are teaching these kids to read.  These people are so rich that they get a higher-class version of Paddington Bear.

The Yakuza show up, tragically putting an end to this teaching bear's career.  He had so much learning to share!!!!

Oh and this lady dies too.  I guess that's a loss.

Every year, 43 cinematic teaching bears are killed by Yakuza.  Won't you do your part to put a stop to this needless, stuffed violence?

Oh and don't kill Mob Nannies.  They suffer enough.

Moon Over Miami: Josh Kirby...Time Warrior!- The Human Pets

Seriously, this was not worth the wait.  To be fair, I didn't intend to wait so long between reviewing Part 1 and 2 of the Josh Kirby...Time Warrior! story.  The biggest problem: Short Wait.  In my experience, that is a really, really misleading statement when it comes to a certain movie rental service.  I've had films on Short Wait- like The Curse/Curse 2, Pterodactyl Woman from Beverly Hills and Storm of the Dead- in my Queue for over a year!  Define 'short' for me again.  Regardless, I got Part 2- on a delayed arrival, mind you- and now I'm here to review it.  The premise: Josh Kirby gets stuck with Doctor Who trying to find the Keys of Time.  They don't call him Doctor Who or the objects the Keys of Time, but they pretty much are.  This Direct-to-Video Serial is a pretty blatant knock-off of the premise, but does do some unique things.  It takes on a premise a la shows like Sliders where he ends up in different times, each with some unique wrinkle.  In the first film, it was a Medieaval time, only with Dinosaurs.  This time, it's Wizards.  It's not *exactly* the same, but it's close enough.  The film is also notable for continuing from the cliffhanger at the end of Part 1.  Rather than giving you a proper ending, the first film just kind of stopped with almost nothing resolved.  Does this film do a better job or just tease you again?  To find out, read on...

To recap, Kirby and company end up in a world ruled by this Prince John analog and his Dragon (read: Dinosaur).  He's ready to kill the Leela analog for refusing to marry him.

Kirby lets the hero of the story battle his brother on a Dinosaur of his own.  He has a T-Rex, so I don't see how you win.  Dig that claymation.

Naturally, our heroes win, making this random gaggle of characters happy.

Before they can leave, they're attacked by the villain.  He zaps their time-travel device and they end up...

In a world run by freaky giants.  They get put in the 'kid's' room and meet up with some other characters.

It feels a lot like the classic Twilight Zone Episode 'Five Characters in Search of An Exit'- hard to imagine another rip-off in this one.

 Can Kirby and company get the disparate people- including a Viking, Cowboy and a German WWII Pilot- to work together to escape their captiviity?

Come to think of it, it's a bit like Attack of the Puppet People too.  The list grows...

In a random flashback (for no good reason), Kirby tells the warrior girl about how this girl in School wouldn't talk to him.  That girl- Charisma Carpenter.

The reason for this: the girl is an alien and doesn't feel like she fits in.  No, really.

The group does indeed work together and manages to get to their respective vehicles.  Naturally, the WWII Airplane still works- even after being sucked through time- and the excess characters go their own way.

Unfortunately, the bad guy did some sort of trick to the group's mascot- whose name I won't bother to remember- and makes it help him.  Our heroes get lost in the sort-of Time Tunnel and Kirby falls out.

The 'On the Next Episode' Teaser shows him in a Babes in Toyland knock-off.  I'm sure looking forward to that.  What do you think, Human Chapstick?  The End.

Wow, this is kind of lame.  The story is...well, it's not bad if you don't know what they're ripping off.  Given the age group that it's aiming for- hint: it's not an adult-, that's not bad.  The problems are many if you're not as forgiving.  The acting- nothing special.  The effects- pretty silly.  The story- nothing special.  Even excluding the unoriginal ideas, there's not a lot of tension.  It's basically 'Will they beat the bad guy,' 'Will they work together' and 'Will they escape.'  If you don't know the answer to any of these, then you have problems!  There's a bit of humor, but it's pretty lacking.  They do put some decent amount of work into the alien make-up and overall look.  That said, I don't really see them as villains.  The story needed some sort of antagonistic element, especially given that the series' villain is pretty much non-existent for 80% of the film.  Instead, the group just has a marginally-difficult escape to make, which they do pretty easily.  As a substitute Doctor Who, our hero is pretty dull.  Kirby gets a little more character here- as he tries to learn to fight-, but there's still a lot more work to do.  This is a pretty dull link in the story, but I'm going to give it at least one more try.  Oh and remember, there can be only one!

Next up, a film about a Highlander escaping a jail run by Stuart Gordon.  If Jeffrey Combs somehow shows up as the Warden, I'm sold!  Stay tuned...

Impossibly-Cool and Lost in Translation Cover Art?: Super Shark

We've got a hat trick.  Killer Shark film, Impossibly-Cool Cover Art and Lost in Translation!  Let's do this...

Super Shark is a Fred Olen Ray film about, well, you figure it out.  What does Japan make of it?

That's just silly!  I mean, what kind of film could have anything as silly as...

***

Okay, so maybe it's not THAT far off.

Even so, there's no way the action is ever that awesome.  With that perspective, the Shark must be, what, 200 feet long!  Damn!

Rare Flix: The Punisher

It all goes back to...Australia?  Today's film is The Punisher, one of the first Marvel films made for Theaters.  Unfortunately, fate would intervene and it would be released in everywhere EXCEPT America (and Sweden).  It all comes down to the people behind getting the film released having some money woes.  So where do we begin?  The Punisher is a dark, anti-hero who debuted in 1974 in a Spider-Man comic.  In the 1980s, a wave of darker, edgier films and comics were gaining popularity.  As such, Punisher got his own book and would continue to be a popular character for the next decade or so.  This would lead to New World Pictures producing this 1989 vehicle for Dolph Lundgren.  Rocky IV made him a star and this was one of the many films made to showcase him.  Most of these films were not, well, good.  I'm looking at you, Masters of the Universe!  Let's give this film a fair shot though.  The Punisher is waging a one-man war on crime and he runs afoul of a major family.  Unfortunately for said family, they run afoul of *another* group of criminals.  Who will win?  Who will die?  Just how many people will The Punisher kill?  To find out, read on...

The Punisher has been waging a one-man war on crime.  In spite of that, nobody knows his name or what he looks like.

Well, based on this appearance- after he just killed a house full of mobsters-, I'd say that he looks like some sort of giant Zombie or Frankenstein's Monster.

As Punisher prepares to stop a big drug deal, some mysterious fellows show up with a mission of their own.

It turns out that they're Yakuza, who decided to move in and take a cut of the action.  A 75% cut, mind you.

Punisher's informant is this weird old man who loves Shakespeare.  He doesn't add much, but he's a nice splash of 'color' in an otherwise dark and dreary film.

Punisher lays the smack down on a bunch of thugs, killing dozens.  He's taken out by the Yakuza and tortured.

As a bonus, they have captured the children of the mob bosses and plan to sell them into slavery AFTER they get the ransom paid.  Dicks.

After chasing him for 80% of the movie, Punisher's old partner- Louis Gossett Jr.- finds him.  He finds out that one of the kids is still in captivity and that our hero needs to help him.

I love how Dolph looks like a Greaser Zombie here.  It's the sequel to Rockabilly Vampire that nobody requested.

In an interesting turn, Punisher and the lone mob boss team up to take out the Yakuza & rescue the kid.  Their plan- lots of shooting.

When all is said and done, the pair fight to death again.  This leaves the guy's son in an awkward position: help my dad or the guy who's saved me twice.  Tough call- especially when you're in Middle School!

In the End, the Police arrive right after everything has gone down and Punisher somehow escapes...from the roof.  Sure- why not?  The End.

Honestly, it doesn't suck.  I spent $6 on the film- thanks, Moviestop!- mostly because it is nearly impossible to find as a Rental.  I'm pretty sure that there's only been the one DVD release, as even the IMDB page uses the DVD Box Art as the 'poster.'  Sad.  To be honest with you, it's a pretty good movie.  Don't get me wrong- it's not Othello.  A good third of the film is just people being shot, stabbed or blown up.  Sometimes it doesn't even make a lot of sense.  A small, spiked ball to the throat would hurt like hell, but I don't think that it would be instant death.  IMDB says that there are 91 on-screen deaths here (not counting explosions).  That seems a little low to me.  In spite of that, they don't 'sugar-coat' any of this.  Punisher looks like a guy who never sleeps and stays up all night planning how to kill bad guys.  The action is rough and it looks like something really brutal.  The film doesn't glorify violence at all, despite seeming to revel in it for 90 minutes.  Plus, it's actually got a neat story to it overall.  If you can find a copy, check it out.  It's a bit lower than the 2004 Punisher film, while proving to be a close second in crazy fun to the 2008 film.  Marvel really dropped the ball by not giving us a 2012 Reboot, huh?  No, the Short film that Jane made in 2012 doesn't count (I think).  I'll leave you with this crystal-clear reminder that this film was made in the '80s...

Next up, a Full Moon review about 18 months in the making.  This all-ages film was not worth nearly this amount of time.  Stay

Redbox Crap: Axe Giant- The Wrath of Paul Bunyan

So who exactly thought that this was a good idea.  

Today's film is Axe Giant: The Wrath of Paul Bunyan.  

Just go ahead and let that soak in for a minute.  

Done groaning?  Good. 

 So yeah, it's your typical Slasher Film compiled from a dozen cliches and tropes.  The difference- Jason Voorhees is now a real Giant.  The whole thing looks and feels cliche and cheap.  The film showed up in many a Redbox, which triggered me to check Netflix.  

Nothing against the Blockbuster-replacement, but Netflix is already sending me films all of the time- why would I need to use it?  

As luck would have it, the film was put on Streaming last week, so I got to see it for you.  The biggest stars on board are Dan Haggerty (still Acting apparently) and Joe Estevez.  I haven't seen you since Roller Gator!  

Will this silly thing be better than a film about a rapping Alligator puppet?  To find out, read on...

The film begins by immediately reminding me of Asylum films.  That's a bad sign.

By the end, I almost wish I had been watching one.

The film opens over 100 years ago in Winter.  A group of Loggers are at a settlement and appear to be ready for a nice Barbeque.

Unfortunately, a freaky mutant attacks and kills everyone.  To see the film's budgetary limitations, you have to see the scene with the Giant Saw.  

I won't SPOIL it for you.

Jumping ahead to the Present, a bunch of first-time offenders are sent to a Camp to learn skills that will help them.  It's a plot thread seen in numerous films, including See No Evil.

By the way, that film is getting a Sequel.  I'm happy for Kane, but sad for the rest of the human race.

Out in the Woods, the once-normal-sized Paul is now a Giant.  They don't really explain it in any logical way, nor do they explain how nobody has spotted him in the last 119 years!

This out-of-context shot sums up how I feel about the film's first real glimpse of Paul.  It's...something.

This film is so ho-hum that I have time to mention the Casting.  Here's a weird one: the son of Martin Kove is in it (see below).  

Maybe him and Greg Evigan's Daughter can go on to Star in crappy, Direct-to-Video films for years to come like their Dads.

On the plus side, he's not appearing in a 1313 film!

In a plot point out of about 100 films, Bunyan chases the group since they took something that was dear to him.  In this case, it was the horn of Babe, who was killed in 1894 by the Loggers.

When you're stealing ideas from Crocodile, you're not even trying!

Around the halfway point, Paul finally starts killing people.  

Somehow this dumb girl doesn't know that a 20-foot giant is behind her.  

How do you not smell him? 

I mean, how long must he have been wearing those pants?!?

Joe Estevez is here to save the day!  Seriously, he's the only interesting character here.  He's the guy who's been apparently caring for Paul and is there to give his back-story.

Mind you, there is no *good* explanation for how he knows this, since Paul doesn't speak.  I guess he could be lying.  

Regardless, this is where we'll end, so as to not SPOIL too much more.

Everything about you is lame.  

That said, the movie is fun to watch ironically.  It's not a perfect 'so bad it's good' film as it takes a bit too long to get going.  

On some level, that works.  It gives you plenty of time to prepare for the shit.  

On the other hand, if you're going to watch it for the shit, you don't want to wait so damn long!  

That said, the terrible effects, writing and overall production values are a hoot.  If this were a Troma or Full Moon film, they would have ruined it.  This appears to be a genuine effort made by someone trying to make a hit film.  It's not tongue-in-cheek like Sharktopus, attention-grabbing like Mega-Shark vs. Giant Octopus or trying to make your drunk ass laugh like, well, every Troma film ever.  

It's for that reason that the film succeeds...by failing.  If you can get past the slow open, it's a laugh riot.  The characters are so one-dimensional and every scene is so predictable.  The giant effects are the real show-stealer.  

This film has the potential to be the next Birdemic (although that film has about 800 other reasons why it's funny bad).  If you want to see it before it may become 'hip' to do so (a la Sharknado- which even my parents have seen!), check it out on Streaming.  Well, unless you're Maynard- sorry.  

The best/worst thing about the giant effects is that they were done better...in 1988.

Next up, a Marvel Comics film made in Australia (for no clear reason).  Will Dolph 'break us' or make a film that holds up better than you might think?  Stay tuned...