VHS For The Win: Bigfoot

A skunk ape is a skunk ape, of course, of course, 
And no one will watch a film about a skunk ape of course 
That is, of course, unless the skunk ape is the famous... 

Bigfoot hates your motorcycles, your random gangsters in the background of the shot...but he loves women tied to poles.

Two other things: That's a disturbing catchphrase and, those with good eye-sight, check out the credits.  Who's that?  John Carradine- again!

Next up, vampires in Australia.  That's all I need to say.  Stay tuned...

Pull The Strings!: Retro Puppet Master

Full Moon likes to play fast and loose with chronology in their series'.  The Puppet Master series is the one that put the company on the map, so, naturally, they made a bajillion sequels!  As they went along, they made jumps around the series' timeline and went from sequel to prequel at whim.  As such, this is my attempt to put it all into chronological order.  Naturally, this means that I'm beginning with the seventh film in the series.  Sure- why not?!?  This film is set in the early 20th Century and explains where Toulon got the original puppets that set this bit of history in order.  All of the original puppets have an origin, although it is a bit silly.  Speaking of silly, this film introduces a classic Universal monster into the mix.  This should be interesting, huh?  Oh yeah, Guy Rolfe makes his final series appearance here in the story's framing device too.  In contrast to how he appeared in Puppet Master 4 and 5, this is a blessing.  If you don't know what I'm talking about, just wait and see.  Get out your Jedi force powers for my review of...

The film begins with Andre Toulon hiding out in a bar as he tries to make his way into Switzerland.  Where does this fit into continuity?  That's not exactly clear, but we'll have more time to discuss that later.  One of the puppets discovers the head of one of Toulon's odd dolls....somehow, which leads into the story.  This is how you get top-billing in a Full Moon film: appear in the beginning and end only!  The story jumps to 1902 in Egypt.  Yes, they're going there.  An old man who looks kind of like Guy Rolfe (but isn't) steals a scroll from a pyramid (although he's only ever shown on the inside).  He's stopped by a pair of men in theme attire who shoot him with force blasts that glow from their hands.  Oh yeah, the second guy only repeats the other guy's lines...about ten seconds later.  Odd.  He defeats them with some powers of his own and leaves.  After that, we hear the voice of an evil God- who is the crux of Puppet Master 4 and 5- who reanimates a trio of mummies and tells them to get revenge.  Finally, over ten minutes into the film, we get the credits.  The story subsequently jumps to France in the same year.  Mind you, traveling from Egypt to France would take a long-ass time in this era, but whatever.  We get to meet young Andre Toulon, who runs a puppet show at midnight.  Ah yes, the midnight puppet show- a French tradition!  In the B-Plot, a young lady- who is the daughter of an Ambassador- wants to 'live' and goes to his show.  In this film, Toulon has about five helpers for his show- since they're just normal puppets.  Gee, why is the number of assistants and puppets the same?

During all of this, the mummies- wearing make-up and overcoats- hire some thugs to attack the wizard in the city.  It's right outside Toulon's theater- how convenient- and is interrupted by the young woman calling for help.  Why does the guy have no powers now?  It's not exactly clear, nor is it consistent with later.  After helping out the old man, Toulon is given the secrets of reanimating his puppets by the old man.  Conveniently, the B-Plot takes Toulon away from his theater when the trio of mummies show up to kill everyone.  All of the assistants- who share traits with the dolls in some way- are killed and the creatures confront the old man.  Rather than giving us a rematch, the movie cops out by having the guy commit suicide...by using his powers.  Um, okay.  Toulon returns and is not happy to see what happened.  He uses the formula to reanimate his puppets with the souls of his friends.  How does he decide who should be whom?  Well, one of the guys has an eye-patch, so he's Cyclops.  Another guy used a knife in the fight (that Toulon didn't see), so he's Blades.  Brilliant logic, Toulon!  When the mummies return for Toulon, a fight ensues.  This Cyclops uses a stage rope for his weapon, which is not all that interesting.  The mummies are forced to retreat and go to Plan B.  Now is not a good time to be the girlfriend in this movie!

The mummies set up an odd sort of trap to lure Toulon and the secret he holds out.  Basically, they kidnap his lady- big shock- and go on a train.  What do they plan on doing there exactly?  I get that the filmmakers wanted to go noir and represent stuff like the Hercule Poirot stories, but why did they do it in context of the story?  On top of that, this is a bad trap, as our hero manages to sneak up on them easily.  Were you setting a trap, running away or borth?  This leads to the full-on battle that the movie was building up to.  Drill Sergeant (aka Tunneler), Cyclops, Dr. Death (a new puppet that apparently vanished), Blades and the rest attack two of the mummies, while Toulon fights a third.  Really?  You're going to fight the immortal creature with magical powers?  Okay then.  Naturally, the good guys win in the end & the woman embraces Toulon and his puppets.  We jump back to the present...of the past.  Toulon is 'asked' by a puppet what happened to the retro puppets.  What does he say?  "That's a story for another day."  News Flash: you haven't made this story in the 11 years since this film was made.  Don't do cliffhangers!  The End.

This movie is...pretty bad.  The plot works in a lot of ways- setting up the story and characters- but feels just like that: a set-up tale.  Since there's not a lot of actual plot to progress here, the pace is pretty leisurely.  Case in point: the credits don't appear until 10 minutes in!  The whole thing just serves to try and bring back-story that's not really needed.  You made it six films without telling this tale, so how important could it have been?  To the film's credit, some of the puppet work is good.  Unlike a lot of the films, the footage appears to all be new.  Get used to stock footage with this series, people!  Mind you, they only do this because they decided to make brand new (or old) dolls.  Why did they do this?  To sell new toys, of course.  When your main goal in creating stories is to make new toys, you've officially become a 1980's cartoon show!  The whole point of this film is kind of goofy and I don't get it.  Even so, it's part of the series, so I watched it.  You can skip this without missing much, at least until they fill in the gap.  Good luck waiting another ten years or so for that, people!

Next up, we jump back to Puppet Master 3- which is kind of next in line.  This is a David DeCoteau film though, so look for some shirtless guys here.  Stay tuned...

A Review in Pictures: Vampire Girl vs. Frankenstein Girl

Vampire Girl vs. Frankenstein Girl is a recent release (in America), so I don't want to SPOIL it.  It's also completely freaking insane!  How do I cover the film without giving it all away?  A Review in Pictures, of course!  Don't expect a lot of context to these either- that's most of the fun!

The film begins with a crazy action scene that amounts to nothing.  After that, we get to meet the crazy people who inhabit the High School that our heroine arrives at...

Conflict arises when she gets eyes for the only boy in school that the girls seems to care about.  Sucks to be everyone else with a penis, huh?  On top of that, the lead bitch in school is the daughter of the Vice-Principal. Beneath his normal facade lies a crazy scientist who likes period clothing and making mutations.

When the lead bitch is killed, her father decides to bring her back to life.  This isn't a spoiler, by the way, since it's pretty much telegraphed in the freaking title!  This leads to the showdown that the title implies.  Unlike a lot of films, the battle actually takes up the entire latter half of the movie!  Good for you, movie.

This movie is weird as shit!  This Review in Pictures doesn't even cover some of the craziest stuff in the film or give context to it.  The plot is a giant mash-up of craziness, including Japanese girls in black-face, a club full of cutters and a girl dancing in blood.  That's not even counting the insane opening bit- which is not really part of the plot- or the insane finale.  If you are afraid of stage blood, this is not your movie.  The only movie I can think of that spills more stage blood is Riki-Oh!  There is no doubt in my mind that this film is trying to be one thing and one thing only: Tokyo Gore Police.  Sure, you could argue that T.G.P. was trying to be The Machine Girl, but it did it so much better.  Does this film match up to that one?  No.  It's crazy as all hell, but doesn't quite have the narrative flow that the other film did.  It's a lot more random and spliced together- just like it's heroine.  The effects are goofy, but work for me.  Do they look real?  No.  I love it though.  If you're not royally-screwed up in the head like me, you may not agree.  We can all agree on one thing though: Japan is full of people that should stop eating so many hallucinogenic mushrooms!

Up next, I begin an 8-day look at the entire Puppet Master series- minus that p.o.s. clip-show.  Since I'm doing this in chronological order, we begin with...Part 7.  Stay tuned...

Full Moon's Repeat Offenders: Phil Fondacaro

For those people that haven't been with the site since the beginning, I used to try out a number of series' to see what would stick.  One of them was Repeat Offenders, which covered two different genre actors in it's history: Reb Brown and Sarah Douglas.

Well, it's back for more- Platinum Dunes-style.

Full Moon Studios makes use of the same pool of actors a lot.  I guess it saves on budgets, turn-around-time and a feel of familiarity.  I think it's time to look at some of this more in-depth.  First up: Phil Fondacaro.

To put it simply, Phil is a 'little person.'  That's gotten him many 'in-suit' roles for films like Return of the Jedi or parts where plays Leprechauns, gnomes, etc.  In Full Moon films though, all bets are off!

One of his first roles in a Band film came in Ghoulies II, a film that's decent.  It's not logical, but it's fun.

Next came a small role in Dollman vs. Demonic Toys.  He's in it because he's a 'little person' and nothing more.

In 1997, he got his best role in The Creeps.  He plays a tiny Dracula who actually has a personality.  Considering that every other monster grunts and drools, he stands out...

1999 brought him a small, but pivotal role in Blood Dolls.  I'm not a fan, but he does do a good job in his two-dimensional role.

His last real Full Moon role came in 2005 with Decadent Evil.  He's a midget vampire hunter- that's it.

He apparently turned down/wasn't available for the sequel, leading to the casting of a 'look-alike' in a fake beard.  He did, however, show up for a cameo in Evil Bong, alongside Tim Thomerson and others.  More on him later though...

Old-School Forgotten Sequels: Godzilla Raids Again (American Version)

Godzilla is one busy beast!  He's been the creature behind 29 films in fifty-odd years.  Mind you, there hasn't been a new film since 2004, so take that into account too!  There's a bit of an odd gap in his film history though.  After the original film, there was a lot of attention for the creature internationally.  This led to a 1957 film called Godzilla Raids Again.  That film was not what America wanted, however, and they decided to just use the effects footage for a film called The Volcano Monsters.  To that end, Toho even sent the original suit over to the United States to expedite the shooting of new scenes.  Forgiving people, those Japanese.  Unfortunately, we managed to lose the suits and the producers eventually cobbled together a film called Gigantis: The Fire Monster.  A few years later, the Japanese made a color film called King Kong vs. Godzilla and the rest was history.  How many people remember the middle child in this movie family though? Let's give this film a little more of a spotlight courtesy of Netflix Instant Viewing.  Get out your dinosaur stock footage for my review of...

The film begins with a bit of narration by a pilot.  It awkwardly turns into him actually talking on a radio, only to go back into narration again.  Pick one!  Basically, he has to go to an uncharted island and find his missing buddy.  He does this and discovers him on a beach.  As they go to leave, some rear projection footage of monsters fight appears over them!  It's Gojira fighting a dinosaur-armadillo monster known as Anguirus.  In spite of his place in film history- as the first monster that Godzilla ever fought- the guy is barely remembered.  Even in his second biggest role- Godzilla, Mothra and King Ghidorah: Giant Monsters All-Out Attack- he doesn't get title billing!  The creatures fight for a bit before our heroes make their escape by plane.  Back on the mainlands, they are greeted by some scientists who give them some background on 'Big G.'  They explain that many dinosaurs once roamed the Earth before being mutated by radiation.  The most famous- and dangerous- of these is Gojira.  Of course, he was killed in that last film, but I guess he got better.  I should also note two things.  First, the dinosaur footage is stock footage of another film, which was also used in Gojira.  Second, how do they have that footage?

After a bit more exposition and some background on our characters, we finally get to the big attraction.  Oddly, this fight is kind of wonky-looking.  Just to note: I'm stuck watching the US version which, despite being labeled Godzilla Raids Again, refers to Godzilla as 'Gigantis' the whole time.  I say this to let you know that anyone with the original version may have a better-looking scene.  The action is decent here, as both monsters fight tooth and nail.  However, the action is sped up just a bit slower than a Dolemite fight scene.  This makes the scene look kind of goofy.  Yes, I don't consider a scene where a giant, irradiated dinosaur fights a giant, irradiated dinosaur-armadillo to be inherently-goofy.  The fight goes all over the city before the plot focuses back on the talking heads.  Sadly, it's not the '80s band.  Bring back the monsters!

After some more plot with the humans and some partying, the revelry has to end.  Our heroes discover that a fishing boat was destroyed at sea, meaning that Gojira/Gigantis and his rival are back.  This time, they take the fight across the water and onto a snowy island.  The army and air force attack again, proving that they never learn their lesson.  If you've never seen a Godzilla movie, let me key you in on a secret: they never do!  They have better luck this time, however, as one of them figures out that they can just shoot the mountains until the snow falls.  Enough missiles and bullets fly until the pair are buried in a giant avalanche.  Well, that's the end of them...until the next 27 films.  The End.

This movie is...pretty good.  The plot is simple: giant monsters show up and have to be stopped.  Unlike Gojira, the film does not really delve into any plots about nuclear power or Cold War build-up.  This one is a pretty straight-forward affair.  To make it last, the producers chose to put in a number of human-related sub-plots.  Do they work?  To a certain degree.  They don't ever really feel like filler too much, but they don't necessarily fit too well either.  Does it matter if this man gives in to his passions and has an affair?  Maybe to him, but his home and lady(ies) could just as easily be stomped on by the giant monsters.  I get why these human plots always find a way in- see the love story from Godzilla X Mechagodzilla- but they can be taken or left without much worry.  The problem this movie has is mostly historical.  It's not the movie that may or not have started the kaiju movement- depending on if you doubt the veracity of the King Kong Appears in Edo film or not- nor is it the famous clash between a U.S. monster and a Japanese one.  Is it a bad movie?  No.  It's just destined to be overlooked for not adding a whole lot to the mythos.  Even so, it is the first film where Godzilla fights another monster.  Check this film out if you've seen all the rest, but missed this one.

Next up, I bring a special non-gimmicked review for Saturday.  This film is so weird that I just couldn't put off reviewing it any longer- let there be blood!  Stay tuned...

Mondo Trailers: Cowboys & Aliens

A lot of big names are attached to a film that sounds like a Syfy Channel Original Picture.  What film can bring together Jon Favreau, Daniel Craig, Harrison Ford, Ron Howard and Steven Spielberg?

See it here: http://www.imdb.com/video/imdb/vi1950390553/

To me, that looks pretty good.  I do have one problem though: it seems to be a rip-off.  Jump back to my Labor Day review of a film called High Plains Invaders.

This film has the old Sheriff, the prisoner facing punishment, the aliens and the young woman stuck in the middle. Given that the trailer doesn't explain the aliens motives, they could be after Plutonium too.

That fact/opinion aside, it could be worth a look.  Spielberg and aliens have a mixed history: both E.T. and War of the Worlds.  Plus, consider that Favreau's only film with aliens so far has been Zathura.  Anyone see that?  I didn't think so.

Old-School Forgotten Sequels: Futureworld

When you strike gold, you shouldn't always assume that there is another nugget under there.  A lot of the times, there's just a bunch of dirt and oil.  In 1975, a great film called Westworld was made.  It told the tale of a futuristic amusement park for rich people that turned bloody.  How?  Because the whole thing was full of robots and they didn't stick to their programming.  Naturally, this led to not one but two spin-offs of this film.  First, they made the film that you're going to learn about today.  Second, they made a TV show that barely lasted five episodes.  DVD release in the future, guys?  This film loses most of its main cast, but does retain Yul Brenner...kind of.  I'll get into that later.  The movie has a lot of questions to answer, but don't expect to get a lot of that.  Get out your spark gun for my review of...

The film begins with...a game show?  Followed by a long shot of a man's eye as the credits roll.  This is all to set up the return of Delos, the amusement park of the future.  It's apparently been re-opened and the investors invite some reporters to a test run of it.  Mind you, they also invited a whole bunch of foreign dignitaries and the guy from the game show.  So, are you open or not?  Why are you having people look into your park if it's already open?!?  This is the first of many plot holes/confusions that we'll run across, so it's best to just pace yourself.  We are introduced to our two leads: Peter Fonda and Blythe Danner.  Fonda is a news reporter who meets up with a source named Frenchie, only to see him be shot and leave behind some evidence.  In a bit of ret-conning, they state that Fonda's reporter was at the original Delos site and broke the story.  Danner is a TV reporter who has a past with Fonda and doesn't want to steal the spotlight.  They have sex later- I'm just going to call that now.  Both of them go to the place, but Fonda questions some of the clientele.  What do you mean?  It's not like they're all rich, foreign dignitaries or something.  Oh- that does look a bit suspicious.

For those of you wondering how the place was allowed to be re-opened a mere 2 years after a whole slew of murder, the film does address it...kind of.  They explain that they spent $1 billion in remaking the entire facility and that the Westworld section took the bulk of the blame.  Yeah, that's it.  The Delos facility has a number of worlds, including Medieval World, Roman World and Future World.  In future world, you do things like ride in space shuttles and go on space stations.  Yeah, people do that now.  Mind you, this is the same movie that was originally known as 2002: Futureworld, so they're take on the future is a bit dubious.  Fonda and Danner are told that they can go anywhere in the facility whenever they want to...but they're going to have a guide- totally 'for their safety.'  This portion of the movie focuses on showing the inner workings of the facility  and juxtaposing that with the people enjoying the sights.  We see the Russian dignitaries drink drugged water and see their reflections as their younger selves.  Come to Roman World!  You'll come for the hallucinogenic drugs, but stay for the robot orgies!  We also see a Japanese dignitary fight a 'knight' in Medieval World and one of his aides take pictures, despite being told not to.  Does this go anywhere?  Nope.  During all of this, Fonda acts really paranoid, while Danner tells him to cool it.  This is the same sight that lied about the technicians being robots.  You can trust them, guys!  Completely random moment: Danner has a dream where she dances with Brenner's Gunslinger.  Big-Lipped Alligator Moment?

After wandering and causing all sorts of trouble, our heroes figure out the truth.  The Delos people kidnapped a whole bunch of the visitors- including Fonda and Danner- and made clones of them.  Are they robots?  No.  Are they humans?  No.  What are they?  Shut up- that's what!  They join forces with an engineer at the facility who keeps an old robot in his workspace.  They run afoul of a slew of Samurai robots as well- thanks, that added nothing.  The group agree to split up and make a break for the plane to escape the facility.  Back in their rooms, the evil boss confronts Fonda and gives more explanation of their plan.  He's apparently a robot too and wants to replace everyone with robots too.  Danner distracts him and a fight breaks out, before the woman shoots the robot with the spark-firing gun.  It's supposed to be bullets, I guess, but all we ever see are sparks.  Evil Fonda kills the engineer and chases the real one around, while Danner is confronted by hers on the ruins of Westworld.  Her clone-bot explains that she can read Danner's mind, which leads to...Danner shooting the thing dead.  Meanwhile, Fonda's clone taunts him at every turn, but can't read his mind.  Continuity anyone?  Fonda takes the fight to a higher point than before- why exactly?- before one of the Fondas falls to their death/destruction.  All seems to be in Delos' favor before Fonda reveals that he's the real McCoy.  The End.

This movie sucks big time!  The plot is a complete 180 in a lot of ways- none of them good.  I can buy the Delos company being evil or at least Machivellian, but when did they become controlled by robots?  They never set this plot point up as far as I can remember.  Never mind that the whole 'switch people out with robots' plot is obvious from the first time that Fonda questions the guest list.  You wanted that to be your twist why?!?  The acting is alright, although the supporting cast does play it a bit too forcefully.  Fonda is okay, while Danner is kind of an airhead.  They have a whole 'Mulder and Scully' thing going on, but that's just a pretense to have them screw.  The robot effects they actually show are alright.  The faceless robot is a good effect...until they linger on it.  Nice plaster mold of the head, movie!  On the plus side, they don't do the cheap 'split-screen' effect from Star Trek for the clones.  Considering how much shit this movie puts on screen, I guess that's a minor compliment to give.  Take it or leave it, you shitty movie sequel!

Next up, we wrap up this special week of reviews with the oldest of old-school films.  What happened after Gojira but before the more famous films?  This one.  Stay tuned...

'Look Familiar?' Cover Art: Fright Night vs. Hellraiser

It's one thing to take a catchphrase from a movie poster.  It's another thing to take one of the most iconic images from it.  Here's Fright Night, courtesy of Japan...

I don't recall vampires being able to turn into giant fog clouds in the movie, but I love this image nonetheless.  Now, for comparison, here is a foreign poster for the original Hellraiser...

That vampire dude gets around, huh?  It's hard to say who's to blame here, but I don't think it's Roddy McDowall!

Thank you, Internet.

Old-School Forgotten Sequels: The Mouse on the Moon

For all of you who say that I tend to focus on weird and obscure movies, here is all the proof you've ever needed.  In 1959, a book called 'The Mouse That Roared' was adapted into a film.  The movie starred Peter Sellers and was 'on the nose' in its commentary about a brewing Cold War crisis.  Over the next several years, four more books were written, including 'The Mouse on Wall Street.'  Oddly, only one other was actually adapted into a film- The Mouse on the Moon.  This film focuses on the same, fictitious country the size of a suburb from the first film.  In this one, they find a way to make some money while everyone is trying to get into space.  Okay, it's not all that relevant now, but you can still laugh.  As a bonus, the film was made by Richard Lester, a man who would break out with a little film called A Hard Day's Night.  Of course, to me he'll always be that hack who made Superman III.  Can I get past my bias and expectations to enjoy this film?  Get out your flying statue for my review of...

The film begins with a bit of history of the Duchy of Grand Fenwick, a tiny little country full of British people.  It's not really clear how they're a separate country or why they are all British, but don't look for too much logic in a Richard Lester film.  The tiny country is full of many rich traditions, including a big ceremony celebrating the Duchess' birthday.  It's not as fun when you consider that four soldiers get killed in the process.  The 1960s- a time when manslaughter was funny.  Their Prime Minister is a snooty man who doesn't have indoor plumbing in his castle.  That's apparently too much of a luxury for a person who lives in a castle!  For those of you who may wonder why the sets look familiar, it's because they're left over from Cornel Wilde's Sword of Lancelot, which was filmed just a bit earlier.  The country faces a minor crisis when their only export- wine- hits a bit of a snag: it explodes.  That's right- their wine explodes!  To deal with this, the Prime Minister devises a devious scheme.  They will ask for money from the United States, saying that it is for research into building a rocket ship to take them to the moon.  He figures that they'll say 'yes,' since it's a cheap way to look impartial in the space race.  That's one way to pay for your pipes.

Unfortunately, this 'get wet quick' scheme is slowed down by some troublemakers.  First, there's a group of rebellious young people who like to shout and throw rocks.  Why do they protest?  Because there's nothing else to do.  Any questions about how Lester feels about hippies?  The Prime Minister's son- who looks to be in his late '30s- returns home from College in London and doesn't like the father's plan.  Of course, his bigger focus is on getting in touch with the town's only cute blond girl.  When there's not much to choose from, decisions are pretty easy to make.  If you like quick-fire editing, this is your movie, by the way.  The film can't seem to focus on the story for too long, choosing to jump from one sight gag to another.  Get used to that 'fade out' dissolve too.  When the United States gives them a million dollars (in 1963 money), the other nations get jealous and try to help out too.  It has nothing to do with the Grand Fenwick, mind you- it's just about posturing.  To one-up them, the Russians send them one of their spare rockets.  Thanks, guys.  A series of random gags ensue, mostly centering around the people trying to move the rocket out of the town square.  If it's there, where will our soldiers randomly die?  The British are suspicious of the whole thing, so they have only one solution: send in Terry-Thomas!

Thomas is here to bring some joy to my life, but even he can only do so much.  He learns about the plan concocted by the Prime Minister's son and the country's only scientist.  The Prime Minister wants them to fake an accident, in order to cover the money spent on other projects.  However, they plan to send a rocket out for real.  The secret is in their radioactive wine, which contains a made-up element that is basically flubber.  They explain their fake science to the Prime Minister of England and the United States President, who get a little annoyed when the thing actually takes off!  Their ship, it seems, doesn't travel like normal ships.  It just kind of floats for a while until it gets to it's destination.  From the Earth to the Moon...in three and a half weeks.  Just smile and nod, people.  The U.S. and Russia launch their own shuttles at the 11th hour in an attempt to still be at the Moon first.  Unfortunately for them, the son accidentally makes the ship go faster, sending them their first.  On the surface, the groups act friendly, until the others are told to rush home to be the first nation to return to the Earth from the Moon.  Their ships get stuck in the lunar dust, however, and they have to hitch a ride with the Duchy of Grand Fenwick.  All is well...until Slim Pickens accidentally causes WWIII.  The End.

This movie is...not that good.  The plot is simple enough, but falters in its execution.  Like I said before, the movie appears to be mostly made out of dozens of one to two minute scenes.  Did Richard Lester have ADD or did other people really direct films like this?  Mind you, this is the same guy that added the 'Superman throws his symbol made out of vinyl' bit to Superman II, so feel free to question his logic.  The jokes are never great here- merely alright.  I love The Mouse That Roared and really hoped that this could stand side-by-side with it.  Unfortunately, the execution is quite a bit weaker here and the jokes never quite stick.  The casting is alright here- aside from no Sellers- but does nothing all that great.  A film like this needs a great hook and it doesn't have it.  Rich people want more money- seen it.  There is some good satire here- the British people's take on America is good- but it is too dated overall.  I can state for a fact that there is a way to make Cold War Comedy stand up- see Dr. Strangelove- and this film shows how you can make it just another film.  There are far worse comedies out there, but there is also not a lot here to really recommend.  Sorry, Britain.

Next up, a sci-fi classic has a very unfortunate follow-up.  Despite it's faults, it's still more interesting than the TV show that spun off of it.  Stay tuned...

Old-School Forgotten Sequels: The Concorde- Airport '79

How can you tell when a series has been whored out?  A good way is to see that the only connections are a shared setting and one star.  Mind you, that star is not playing the same role in every film- he's just in them.  A second is when you begin to pile on the ridiculous moments.  At the point when the Disaster Film was beginning to die, this film came out and helped put a pile of dirt on the coffin.  Yes, for the purposes of the analogy, I bury people alive.  Plus, I do it in real life.  This film, like Beyond the Poseidon Adventure, was the mecca of stars in random, tiny roles.  Unfortunately, as the FOURTH Airport film, the pickings were a little slim.  This meant that they couldn't get Slim Pickens- zing!  The movie stars Alain Delon (a famous French actor), George Kennedy, Robert Wagner, David Warner, Eddie Albert and Charo.  Wow, they were desperate!  The movie involves, well, a Concorde jet and chaos that would ensue.  That's simple enough, I guess.  Get out your tiny bomb for my review of...

The film begins with preparation for a Concorde jet to take of.  Wow, you don't waste any time, huh?  We don't get much time to meet our cast either.  The Captain is Kennedy, his co-pilot is Delon and the Engineer is Warner.  I hope that there are no sliding panes of glass on board, David!  The flight goes well for a bit until they hit some bad air and are forced to land suddenly.  This segues into a news story featuring a reporter who looks like she would go on to turn into a werewolf on live television.  For some unknown reason, they cut to a story about a company who has made a remote control missile.  Is this the least subtle Chekov's Gun ever?  By the way, voice cameo by Spinal Tap and Simpson's star Harry Shearer as an unseen reporter telling the story.  Since we skipped it before, the film felt the need to introduce all of the characters and back-story now.  Kennedy is a widowed, hard-worker, while Delon is a smooth pimp (more on that later).  In addition, the lady reporter is having an affair with a man (Wagner), who apparently has some nefarious schemes in mind.  A man shows up at her door, only to be shot by another man moments later.  The guy is a terrible shot, so she manages to escape and board the plane.  Oh good, now you're just endangering all of the other passengers with you?  At least there aren't a bunch of Russian athletes on board whose death would set off a nuclear war.  There are?  Oh shit...

If you wanted to see goofy, you came to the right place.  Amongst the passengers are an old singer, J.J. Walker (aka the 'Dy-no-mite' guy) and a Russian athlete bringing his deaf daughter on board.  Tell me there's not a patient waiting for an organ transplant and said organ is on board, at least.  I've got to stop doing that to myself!  To silence the woman with evidence against him, Wagner and his group of evil people fire their missile at the plane in an attempt to take it down.  This leads to an aerial chase and dodge sequence that is alright, but nothing special.  The digital effects are alright, but the objects always look pasted onto the aerial shots, as opposed to actually moving.  This chase is ridiculous too, as they do all they can to avoid the heat seeking missile.  They even come up with the ridiculous plan of flying upside down and having Delon fire a flare out the open window!  I can't express in words how bizarre and illogical that is!  It doesn't work, either, as they manage to fire the flare inside of the ship inside!  They eventually do the 'cut off the engine' trick to dodge the missile and fly into Paris.  After this, the crew and passengers get off for their stop.  Yes, that's what would happen after an event like that!  Kennedy and Delon unwind with a double date, which ends well for Kennedy.  Unfortunately, he learns that his date was a prostitute...which he has no problem with.  Oh yeah, someone puts a bomb on the plane too.

The final part of the trip goes off without a hitch.  The trip is smooth, the air is clean and the banter is strong.  Well, except for the part where the bomb goes off and opens up the lower part of the hull.  I probably should mention that part, huh?  The usual chaos ensues- panic, yelling and shaking of the set.  It wouldn't be a disaster film without the set shaking, would it?  This is a very tense and dramatic finale, except that you've seen it three other times.  Plus, you know that the people won't die.  The plane crashes into the mountain and the rescuers come.  As the people exit the plane, the movie abruptly ends.  Who wanted sub-plots to be resolved?  The End.

This movie...is also not good.  The plot is pretty generic, which is what happens when you come upon your fourth 'airplane disaster' film within about five years.  I get that these movies did well, but there should be a limit on these things!  Hell, just throw in Godzilla or something.  Throw me a damn bone!  Most of the characters exist merely to pull at your heart strings and pad out the run-time.  Does J.J. Walker really add anything to the story?  No.  Good try though, movie.  The special effects are alright, but nothing special.  Like I said, they feel really cheap sometimes.  Nothing is all that funny though, so it's not really a film you'd watch for that.  That said, if you've seen Airplane and/or Airplane II, you'll find some laughs at the movie's pile of cliches.  If you want to see the source of the more direct cliches though, watch Airport '75 or Airport '77.  The whole 'bomber' plot from Airplane II: The Sequel comes right from one of those films.  I will say this: if you ever wanted to see a film starring a famous, French actor and the partner from Naked Gun films, this is probably the only one.

Next up, what happens when you make a sequel to Cold War comedy that nobody remembers?  You get a film that's even more obscure and esoteric, of course!  Stay tuned...

Lost in Translation: Fight Club

There are certain stories by certain authors that define things like 'rebellion' and 'anti-social behavior.'  Poland, however, comes along to do their part too...

Brad Pitt is...Midnight Cowboy.  That or Bryan Adams during his 'fashion phase.'  Anyone remember that abomination?

Next up, one of the most respected sequels of all-time gets the LiT treatment.  Big shock- it's Polish!  Stay tuned...

Old-School Forgotten Sequels: Beyond the Poseidon Adventure

Hey, do you remember disaster films?  Much like Westerns, this sub-genre continues to come back every few years to see if they can be revived.  Examples over the last ten years or so include Dante's Peak, The Day After Tomorrow and Poseidon.  It's funny that I mention this convenient fact because that last film is a remake of Irwin Allen's original film.  After a series of hit films by Allen- including The Towering Inferno- he made a sequel.  Sadly, this film was not a hit and helped spell the end of the disaster genre.  Well, that AND the film that you'll see tomorrow.  How can one film set up a genre for long-term success and another signal it's demise?  That's Hollywood for you!  For the uninitiated, the Disaster film is a movie about some sort of major, traumatic event that always includes a giant ensemble of actors.  In this film, you get Michael Caine, Karl Malden, Sally Field, Peter Boyle, Jack Warden, Shirley Jones, Slim Pickens and Telly Savalas.  Is that enough for you?  The film is also a direct sequel to the original film, but this brings with it some certain problems.  Get out your deadly stock footage for my review of...

The film begins with a small boat going through a storm in possibly one of the least convincing effects shots in human history.  Basically, the trio of Caine, Field and Malden are on a boat model that shakes back and forth in front of a screen as hoses randomly spray water at them.  Yeah, it doesn't fool anyone.
They lose their cargo in the storm that night and, in the morning, Malden explains how he picked up Field in a bar & offered to let her go with them.  They see a French rescue helicopter fly past them and infer that a salvage job must be near.

Just to note: that helicopter is supposed to be the rescue one from the ending of the original film and carrying the survivors.  Of course, that film was made in 1972 and this one was made in 1979.  Slowest rescue ever!

They show up & are joined by Telly Savalas and his crew of doctors.  Wow, what a convenient arrival!  They both go inside via the hole that the original survivors escaped through & quickly meet up with some survivors.

At this point, the group splits up.  Gee, why would Savalas want to be alone in the ship with just his flunkies?  Odd.

Rather than a plot, I'd rather give you a rundown of the characters, since the film is mostly about them...
* Peter Boyle is a protective father who is bossy and looking for his daughter.  He eventually finds her, along with...
* A young Mark Harmon playing a farmer stud from Iowa.  He's a romantic item for her and surprisingly-good with a machine gun later.
* Shirley Jones plays a Nurse.  She does nurse stuff, but mostly just reacts to the events.
* Slim Pickens plays a rich Texan who is called, you guessed it, Tex.  That's creative.
* Jack Warden plays a blind man who is taken to the rescue point alongside his doting, but strong wife.
* Karl Malden's assistant character has a secret: he's dying of a disease that they never bother to name.

==========

The group wanders around the ship, but eventually learns that Savalas has a secret.  You'd never have guessed, but he's a bad guy!

After a shoot-out between our heroes and Savalas' crew, we learn the truth.  The Poseidon was carrying a whole cache of weapons and even some nuclear material!  Considering that this was a cruise ship, why did it have all of that?  On top of that little fact, the ship was also carrying a safe full of gold and bort (aka unrefined diamonds)!  WHY?!?

A couple people get picked off in the fight and the ensuing escape from the ship, including Boyle and Warden's wife.  Must resist urge to make 'he didn't see that coming' joke.  They escape through a hidden door and dive out of a hole in the side of the ship.  Keep an eye out for everyone's stunt doubles doing all the diving, especially Pickens and Warden.  Before the finale escape, we learn that Pickens was lying about being rich.  You know what that means, right?  Yeah, he dies.  The remaining group manages to swim over to Caine's ship and drive away.

Moments later, more stock footage explosions go off and the Poseidon is completely destroyed.  What a way to die, huh Telly?  Caine is depressed that they lost all of the gold, but Field reveals that she hid a piece of bort in her blouse.  This leads to...the pair kissing.  Dude, you're 13 years her senior!  The End.

This movie is not that good.  It doesn't really suck, to be honest, but it's definitely not a classic.  It's a pretty formulaic plot.  In fact, it's mostly the same plot as the original, only with the terrorist element thrown in and the group going down the ship, as opposed to up it. Of course, they end up going back up nearly the same path, so that's kind of a moot point.  The real star here is the elaborate set design and the shaky, destructive nature of it.  Watch a film like this and then check out a movie like Sky Captain and the World of Tomorrow. Spot the difference?  These movies are mostly just an excuse to throw as many stars as humanly possible into one film and see what sticks.  Most of the characters are fairly one-note, although some actors involved make it feel like more.  As much as I love Michael Caine, his character's sudden shift is not exactly explained and really feels forced.  The movie really works in the more subtle moments like those involving Malden.  Ironically, Caine would star in this and the other film synonymous with the Disaster Film's demise- The Swarm.  Note to self: don't cast Michael Caine in my film about a tornado that causes a flash flood to strike a Pre-Natal Ward for Cancer patients and Burn Victims!  There's a reason that this movie is not as well-regarded as other films from the genre: it's just alright- nothing more.

Next up, another '70s sequel to a disaster film comes our way.  This one has a cast that includes legendary French actors, genre staples and the partner from Naked Gun.  Stay tuned...  

VHS For The Win: Demon Witch Child

Don't look now, kid- but there's something behind you.  I think it might be bad considering that you're on a VHS box titled...

Demon demon on the wall, who's the cutest of them all?  That is one ugly poster of Gene Simmons, although they got the tongue right.

Next up, one of America's most famous cryptids makes an appearance here.  He ain't so big though.  Stay tuned...