Re-Review: Xtro (1982)

 I haven't talked about this Film since my first Review back in 2009.  I think I can do better than that Review.  Suck it, younger me!

*******

For those of you who thought that everything British was classy, I present Xtro.  This 1982 gem of an oddity wasn't *officially* on the Video Nasty List (it passed certification), but it sure was on their radar.  Harry Bramley-Davenport- the most British name that isn't Sir Reginald Teatime- was early in his career and shot for the Moon with this one.  He was the Director, one of the Writers AND he did the Soundtrack.  Hell, he probably made the Chip Butties and Blood Sausages in Catering!  And yes, I did Google that Sandwich and yes, it does sound good.  The Plot involves a Dad that goes missing, seemingly-abducted by Aliens.  Years later, he returns...or does he?  Whatever he is, the Dad is going to make things get really freaky in his new, old household.  The Film has some very crazy moments and a bit of an identity issue.  The insanity is so glorious that you can't help but keep watching though!  Let's see if I feel much different than 2009 me as I re-review this one...

A Dad and Son are playing in the Yard when...suddenly it is night time and some sort of not-on-camera ship takes the Dad away.

This is a dream, which I guess is supposed to explain why the kid looks the same 3 years earlier that he does now AND how it went from day to night so quickly.

While the kid has dreams that end in him being covered in blood (not his, but still!), a freaky creature returns and attacks a woman.

In a memorable bit, a full-grown Dad suddenly is 'birthed' by the woman!  Oh, now I see how this almost made the List.

'Dad' returns and meets the Son.  The Mother is surprised as hell to see him, even though she never bought the 'abducted by Aliens' story.

The fact that she cares about him and his apparent amnesia makes her want to help him.

'Dad' has some new, bad habits like eating the eggs laid by his Son's pet snake.

He chases down the freaked-out kid and...um...sucks on his neck until something grows on his shoulder.
This Film makes me need an Adult...and I am one!

'Dad' shows that he can do strange things with his mind like affect lights and other objects.
The Son is inspired to do the same, only his imagination is far less-limited.

He turns his scary Clown Doll into a scary Clown person and his Toy Soldier into...well, a bigger Toy Soldier.

Where said Soldier got C-4 is anyone's guess though!

One thing I didn't touch upon yet is how this Family with a young Son in a tiny Apartment both needs AND has a Nanny.

Well, she's not going to be around much longer, as the Son lures her away from her not-so-secret lover and has help knocking her out.

...he also apparently implants her with Eggs like the 'Dad' did earlier.  She's webbed up and now she will be used to...

Oh, what's that?  You cut the Ending explaining why the Eggs mattered?  Never mind.

In the end, everyone alive (sorry, boyfriend) ends up at the Cabin where it all happened 3 years ago.

'Dad' and 'Son' mutate into full Aliens and leave a possibly-dead New Husband (it's not clear) behind with the Mother.

...who finds an egg in the NEW Ending and gets killed via face-hugger.  The End.

A properly-strange and freaky Film.  Xtro has a way of just being 'off' that was apparently a bit of an accident.  He definitely meant for it to be weird- no question.  After all, you have bloody death, a tiny Clown, a Toy Soldier, a random Panther and death by floating disco ball (more on that later).  Oh yeah, and the little matter of the full-grown man being born from an unwilling woman too!  There's not a whole lot of Plot here.  Once the strange stuff with the kid using his new powers comes into play, that mostly takes over.  We do get an interesting and pretty-satisfying ending- the first time, that is.  You can read about it, but there was some dispute with Producers about how to end the Film.  It was meant to end with the reveal that the Eggs would hatch new copies of 'Dad' as part of the Aliens' plan.  That was scrapped for, well, no good reason I could find for the ending we got.  It's still a more logical ending than Xtro II's abrupt twist- see the next Re-Review for that.  If you can wait for the real crazy stuff, Xtro delivers old-school splatter, crazy visuals and an odd Story.  I'll leave you with a visual for how you all look when you get up in the middle of the night for a snack...

Next time, I keep the Re-Reviews coming as I look at the Sequel that wasn't.  When the Director all but disowns you, it can't be good.

Poor Bastards of Cinema: Dr. Terror's House of Horrors (AKA House of Horrors)

 Alright, I can probably only squeeze one last Segment out of this terrible Movie.

In Dr. Terror's House of Horrors (aka House of Horrors), the 2nd Story is called 'King Vampire.'

It is your basic Jack the Ripper tale, but only with a Vampire.

Halfway through the segment, a man comes by the unruly mob...

They think that he is the killer, since he fits the vague description of 'being slight.'

He also has blood on him, but he claims that is from beating a wild dog to death...as you do...in London.

Unsurprisingly this Story is *not* believed and the Mob kill the man while the Police look on helplessly.

To be fair, the Set was only like 20 feet wide, so they had little room to act.

If you've read the Review, of course, you know that he was not the killer, so...oops.

The lesson- don't kill Dogs.
I mean, what else could I get from this?

Next time, a man learns never to help a Neighbor.  Why does he pay with his life?  See you then...

 

Buy or Cel?: The Dark Phoenix Saga- Animated vs. Film

 Are you a fan of Animation?  Are you a fan of Live-Action?
Do you find it hard to decide which is better?

Well, you're in luck, because I'll help you decide whether to...

For the first Segment, this one seems natural.  After all, Fox did it TWICE.

It is The Dark Phoenix Saga!

Like many people of a certain age, I was exposed to the version done on X-Men: The Animated Series first.

I just binged watched it tonight.  It is still great.

Later on, I was exposed to it again in X-Men: The Last Stand.

It was okay, but confusing.

Less than 15 years later, we got it AGAIN with Dark Phoenix (alternately X-Men: Dark Phoenix).

It was pretty bland and forgettable.  It's been just less than a year and I barely remember any of it.

In the (latest) Film, her transformation is carried over like in the Comics- the Shuttle, the Phoenix arriving and her losing control of her emotions.  So far so good.

The big problem: they cast Jessica Chastain as a Not-Skrull (rumors are that Disney squashed that idea).  Now she's just a bland Alien who say 'Embrace the dark side' and it just kind of works.

As a bonus, her 'Race' is the name of the same one killed infamously by Phoenix in the Comics.  Ouch.

In contrast, the Animated Series shows her growing turmoil, her fight for control and adjusting to new (for the Phoenix) emotions...and then she's manipulated by the Hellfire Club.

Yes, it's the Circle Club because Fox Kids.

Whatever you call it, it feels organic and makes her turn to 'f##k humans' feel believable.

So is Dark Phoenix a terrible Film?  No.
Is X-Men: The Last Stand a terrible Film? No, but less strongly-so.

They just pale in comparison to the Animated Series' adaptation, which is built up over a 4-Part Phoenix Saga AND a 4-Part Dark Phoenix Saga.  

If the Episodes average out to 22 minutes each, that's 176 minutes or just under 3 hours (not counting the Show's build up of characters).

They just put more time and care into it.

Plus it has the great level of Soap Opera-style emoting that comes from adapting Chris Claremont Stories and Dialog.  It is anchored by great performances by Norm Spencer (RIP) as Cyclops and Catherine Disher as Jean Grey.

In contrast, Sophie Turner shifts between over-and-under-acting all of her Scenes and Tye Sheridan's part is underwritten.

Final Call: If you want to enjoy the Phoenix/Dark Phoenix Saga, stick with Animated.  Don't buy- Cel!

'70s Class?: The Beast Must Die (1974)

 Can you guess the Monster?!?  Surprisingly, the Film famous for this gimmick- aka The Werewolf Break- is NOT a William Castle Film.  This is The Beast Must Die, a 1974 Amicus Film that is part Agathe Cristie and part Lon Chaney Jr.  The Plot involves a rich and famous Hunter bringing a group of unrelated strangers to his Estate for a weekend.  The twist- he knows that one of them is a Werewolf!  I feel like Donald Trump Jr has tried this once.  The marketing gimmick was apparently added by the Studio and the Director was not a fan of it.  Eh, it has made it famous, so win-win.  The Cast has some notable additions, including the late-great Peter Cushing, Michael Gambon and Charles Gray.  The Main Star here- Calvin Lockhart- inadvertently played a big part in Rap Culture too, as he played a Character named 'Biggie Smalls' in a Film- no joke.  I'll double-up on that random Fact by pointing out that the Author of the original Story is credited with inventing the term 'Gas Giant' to describe certain Planets.  East Coast Rap and Planetary Terminology- this Film has everything!  Can he find the Werewolf?  Can you guess who it is?  Can I ever make the third question a serious one?  To find out, read on...

A man is chased around by Hunters, must avoid Cameras and other detection devices.

What is going on?

He's a famous Trophy Hunter who spent no doubt countless thousands on the Security Systems and he was testing them.

Why?

He's brought a small cadre of strangers to his House.  The one thing they have in common- possibly being a Werewolf!

One is possibly a Serial Killer, another is a disgraced Diplomat, a third is a casual cannibal.  Peter Cushing, meanwhile, is just an Expert on Werewolves.

That feels like an obvious set-up, but it is not.

Our Hero has an obvious advantage with all of the Tech at his disposal and also because of his 'Man in the House.'

On Night 1, he tracks the Wolf- which is actually a Wolf- and it actually tricks him, attacking the 'Man in the House' and smashing his gear.

So much for 10 minutes of build-up.

Cushing is here to deliver lots of pseudo-science on how Werewolves work and why their weaknesses exist.

Do you care?  No.
Does he class things up?  Yes.

On Night 2, he ups the ante by bringing out his high-powered gun and hunting from a Helicopter like Black Power Sarah Palin!

Naturally, he doesn't kill the Beast, the Pilot is killed AND he loses the Helicopter in an explosion.

On Day 3, he's even more annoyed after all that happened.  He makes one last push leading to a Ceremony that feels like foreshadowing for the Blood Test Scene in The Thing.

Can you guess the Werewolf?!?

Is it the Red Herring, the Women who don't have enough Character, the forgettable James Bond Guy or Gambon?

To the Film's credit, they do give you a secondary, fake-out reveal (see below) that will make some of you go 'Oh, I knew it' before they show you the actual Werewolf.  Touche, Film.

The beast sure is fun to watch.  Let's be honest- this is just a Horror riff on classic Mystery fare like '10 Little Indians' or '...And Then There Were None.'  That said, is there anything wrong with that?  No.  It is a fun, Horror version of a kind of story that is proven to work.  I mean, if someone did Knives Out, but one of them was secretly a Werewolf, I'd watch that in a heartbeat!  Make that Film!  At the heart of the Film, you want to know who the beast secretly is.  They try their best- with limited success- to hide who it is.  I'm not going to say that the reveal was super-obvious.  They certainly tried to make you question everyone.  The Acting here is the obvious draw.  The less obvious draw is the Special Effects.  For whatever reason, they don't have an actual Werewolf- just a person that turns into a normal Wolf.  Yes, the Wolf is clearly a dog with extra fur matting if you can stop and look at it carefully.  They are careful to shoot the creature- no pun intended- in quick ways or in the dark.  Speaking of the dark, the Film has a very odd view of how that works.  We see that it is night time through the windows...only for the following Scenes to be in what is best described as barely dusk.  I get it- it is hard to shoot at night.  For all the good work they do setting the mood, the inconsistent timing is just kind of distracting.  Is the gimmick of the Werewolf Break good?  Objectively, no.  It feels like a William Castle thing.  That said, it feels like a William Castle thing, so I liked it.  It's a good Film and it has a good alternate Poster that seemed to inspire the one for Wolfen some 6 years later...

  

Next time, I stick with the 1970s and Horror.  Hopefully it is as sharp as the Title sounds.  Stay tuned...

Mondo Bizarro Reviews Anime: Cells At Work! (Season 1)

 As we've spent the last several months living through a Pandemic, it only seems fitting to watch a Show about how the human body works.  

Instead of the pesky Magic School Bus, I chose Cells At Work!, an Anime currently on Netflix.

It's...weird.  Let me just get into it...

The Show is all about Cells, well, at work in the human body.  They focus almost solely on Blood Cells.

The Show has a fun, quirky way of being both very literal and very loose with the facts.

Red Blood Cells carry nutrients through the body in real life, so they carry picnic baskets full of food in the Show!

Despite being important to the body, these Cells are kind of useless for anything else.

What happens when the body has to fight infections (represented as monsters)?

They call upon White Blood Cells, who are basically trained Commandos armed with knives and nerves of steel!

One of them befriends a Red Blood Cell, since every Show has to have a 'Sam & Diane.'

Other Cells you will see include T-Cells, Memory Cells and, best of all, the Platelets.

They are represented by adorable little kids with flags and spunky spirits.  Wacky.

Every Episode deals with an ailment of some kind, be it Hearburn, Seasonal Allergies or worse.

To be educational, they stop the Show cold every time they need to explain the Science.

The Show Episodes are mostly one-and-done, but they do give a nice 2-Part Finale.

The biggest question I still have after 13 Episodes- if they are Cells (including Blood Cells), then what are they covered in every time they 'kill' a Virus?

It is weird.  It is silly.  It is a bit formulaic.  Even so, I kind of love it.  The Show has a strange kind of charm that is just hard to ignore.  Most of the Episodes are one-and-done stories involving some sort of Virus/Infection that must be dealt with.  They find a way to continually introduce new, different Cells that are needed to best each one.  Supposedly the Science is pretty consistent here & the Show is recommended by some Teachers and Doctors for kids to learn.  As an Adult, I pretend like I know more, but I really don't.  Regardless of how much they get things right or wrong, the Show has plenty of fun with everything.  Arguably the weakest Episodes are the 2 ones they do that are separate Flashback Episodes.  It is a pretty common thing in Shows like this, but I could have done without them.  The second one was especially unnecessary as it was just showing how two different Cells- who are C-Level Characters- were once friends.  Yea?  I do continue to wonder what the blood-like substance we see all of the time coming out of the Viruses/Creatures is.  Is there a smaller world of Cells that make up the blood that ends up coating Blood Cells inside of the body?  Regardless of the logic, it allows them to be way over-the-top with the violence, since they aren't real things.  It's the 'bloodiest' Kid's Show you'll ever see.  Apparently we will get a Season 2 (in Japan) sometime early next Year and a Rule 63 spin-off Show called Cells at Work!: Black later.  Why not?

If your love Anime or are a casual fan (like I am), give the Show a try.  It's fun, wacky and kind of heartwarming in a twisted kind of way.

Wrap it Up: Time Walker (1982)

 A Title that sounds like bargain basement Sci-Fi you'd buy from someone's van explodes on the Silver Screen!  This is Time Walker, a 1982 Film that is both interesting and banal.  The Title doesn't really represent the Movie in a very good way.  The Plot involves a long-lost Mummy being brought to a College Campus and escaping- also it's an Alien Mummy.  Mummy On Campus!  Kappa Delta Mummy.  Ghoulies III: Ghoulies Go To College.  Most of those Titles would be better...at representing the Film.  They are also stupid Titles...and now The Asylum just used them both.  I missed my shot!  Anyhow, they went with Time Walker...for some reason.  To be honest, I'd never heard of the Film until, well, I saw it on Streaming.  Previously, I watched a Full Moon Film involving an Alien Mummy and a B-Plot which had a Mad Scientist making nymphomaniac Lesbians.  Don't go looking for it- the Film is actually pretty dull.  Weird connection here, however, as Charles Band Directed that Film- Petrified- and Richard Band did the Soundtrack for this Film.  They are Brothers!  Random chance strikes again!  The Film is sadly (I think) the only one done by Tom Kennedy, whose other Credits involve Editing and doing Sound Work for Films like Joe, Silent Night, Bloody Night and...oh geez, Good-Bye, Uncle Tom (for the U.S Release).  Another interesting Cast Note involves Co-Writer and Actor Jason Williams who is most known for playing Flesh Gordon in the infamous '70s Parody Film.  Well, this trip with an Alien is not like his last one!  This is also another Film with a Star Trek: The Original Series Actress in it- Antoinette Baker was in 'Catspaw.'  So, with that out of the way, can they make an Alien Mummy Film that is entertaining?  To find out, read on...

The Film begins in a worringly-cheap way as we are TOLD that people into a Crypt and a cave-in reveals a hidden Mummy.

Said Mummy is opened up at a California University, as you'd imagine.

They take X-Rays of the sarcophagus and see some freaky, green mold.  

The morons manage to run the X-Ray machine TEN TIMES too strong and trigger the mold, which eats away a Student's finger tip with just a touch.

The Mummy inside goes missing at the big announcement event- embarrassing poor James Karen!- and the mystery is now 'who took it?'

In the meantime, those x-rays show that the being is not human...

The other foul-up involves one of the Students stealing some gems from the sarcophagus.

He gives them away/sells them, putting the main Plot in motion.

Said Mummy grabs one woman who was given a gem and his touch doesn't end well for her- especially after her x-rays!

The Mummy keeps taking the gems and returning to what is described as 'the School's Reactor.'
Maybe it is an inelegant way of describing their Power Facility, but that's odd, no?

The Mummy keeps getting the gems as our Heroes are 3 steps behind.
Speaking of steps, this Mummy floats.  Neat?

The big climax involves him chasing around our Final Girl.  This is done mostly with shots of it in the dark (see above) or with a green POV.

Ever the brilliant girl, she keeps going upstairs *in a Horror Film* and falls to her...oh, not death.

The Dean tries to pin it all on our Lead- claiming that he hid the Mummy to study it...in private?- and they confront him when he finds the Mummy.

It puts the gems in a device and it powers up to full as they watch on...

...and the cool look is gone.  Our Mummy is fully-revealed to be a big-eyed, gray-skinned alien that now wants to go home.

The one Cop shoots at him, but our Lead takes the bullet.
He crawls to the Alien, who extends a hand.

They glow bright and...To Be Continued?!?

***One Google Search later***

Nope- no Sequel.

All things considered, it is better than its apparent reputation, but not a great Movie overall.  The premise- solid.  A Mummy on a College Campus- great.  An Alien Mummy killing Frat Bros- great.   The actual Film- so-so.  The Budget is oddly-allocated here.  They have a good-to-decent-looking Mummy and never show it off that much.  They have some good, old-school gore and practical F/X for the decaying/melting skin stuff.  When that isn't on-screen, the Film just kind of meanders.  It's never bad, but it is forgettable at times.  There are quite a few Characters to keep track of and not all of them matter that much.  Since we don't have a Villain that's not The Mummy- an Igor-like fellow, for instance- we have no motivation for the creature.  We have a blank slate to just project stuff onto.  The solution they seemed to come up with is to have lots of random people be assholes instead- yea.  The Cast never stands out that much, nor is it ever really let down by anyone.  Like the Film as a whole, they do alright, but don't shine.  James Karen comes the closest- as the crotchety Dean- but doesn't get enough screen-time.  The Ending is...odd.  I'm not sure why they expected to get a Sequel.  This was a New Concord Film- how many of them got Sequels on Roger Corman's dime?  What was the plan?  If you can find anything out, let me know.  As it is, Walker is a confusingly-titled Film that is pretty good, but not great.  It did give us the first prototype for RDJ's Iron Man though.  Look at that Arc Reactor in his chest...

Next time, I dig deep into my random collection of digital goodies.  It could be a number of odd things, so good luck guessing.  Stay tuned...

VHS For the LIE!: Dr. Terror's Gallery of Horrors (aka Gallery of Horrors)

 As someone who is still buying VHS Tapes in 2020, I consider Posts like this to be a service.

As I've mentioned at least twice now, Dr. Terror's Gallery of Horrors was a cheap, kind of crap Horror Anthology Film.

It also had many alternate Titles- due to copyright issues- and different Box Art.

While the previous one was fun, this one...is not...

So if it isn't apparent for you, this is NOT a shot from the Film.

This shot of a Vampire is not from the Film in any way.

It is, however, a shot right out of The Fearless Vampire Killers, a far superior Film...

While stealing the whole 'Dr. Terror' name is pretty egregious (as there is none in the Film), this one is literally false advertising.

Bad VHS!