Forgotten *Holiday* Toon: Sonic Christmas Blast

Talk about your long-term planning!  Last year, I got my friend the Sonic: Christmas Blast DVD as a Gag Gift along with his actual present as part of our Secret Santa Gift Exchange.  Well, about a year later, I'm going to review the thing!  One thing to mention is that the DVD is a bit misleading.  You actually get a single Christmas-themed Episode of the Sonic cartoon- the goofy one with Chili Dogs- and three Episodes of Sonic: Underground, a completely-different show with the Sega mascot.  It is worth noting that Sonic has had THREE different shows.  He no longer has a Nintendo-less Console to call his own, but I guess this is just a consolation prize.  So we've got a Christmas DVD with one Christmas Cartoon and three unrelated ones- joy.  Let's get in the Christmas spirit and see what a Cartoon Show from 1996 has to offer us...

Santa Claus (who has bolts in his arms and legs) announces that he is retiring from defying all of the laws of Science to deliver toys on Christmas.  In his place, he appoints...

Robotnik Claus!  That and his Robot Minions- who are dressed like Cheerleaders for no good reason.  Naturally, this is all a ploy by Robotnik to...make people give him presents.

Lex Luthor- take notes!

Meanwhile, Sonic meets up with his lady friend (who is just taunting Rule 34) and is determined to get her a good present.  Shockingly, there is almost no pay-off to this.

I expected better writing from you, Direct-to-Video Sonic Christmas Special!

Sonic finds out about the scheme and goes to work!  His plan is to smash the Minions, let them fix themselves, blackmail them with a fake 'littering' (with their limbs) fines to get Santa's location and then smash them again.

Just to note: this was his disguise.

Santa is freed and Sonic is now tasked with saving Christmas.  He needs to be super-duper fast and it all has to do with a ring.

Said ring was given to Sonic LAST YEAR and he suddenly realizes now that it is a Deus Ex Machina.  Wow.  Just...wow.

Oh and Sonic saves the day with violence.  I hope you picked that lesson up, kids!

In the End, everyone gets their presents and Christmas is saved.  In a Shyamalan twist, Santa decides to retire (for real) and we get Sonic Claus.

Oh and they end by wishing the audience a 'Merry Christmas.'  Wait- you can see me?  Uh oh.

As a whole, it's just plain stupid.  Don't get me wrong- I'm much older than the target demographic.  Even so, good Kids Movies/Shows can appeal to Adults in some way or another.  This is just goofy.  This is just silly.  This is just innocuous fluff.  I do like to over-examine it to make it look bad.  Sonic saves the day with violence (on three occasions).  Sonic cares more about getting gifts for his lady friend than helping out any charity or homeless shelter.  I assume that in a world full of talking blue hedgehogs, three-tailed flying foxes and robot morons still has homeless.  Am I wrong to think that?  Ultimately, I shouldn't expect much from a Direct-to-Video Christmas Special starring Sonic the Hedgehog.  I didn't.  I got pretty much what I was expecting.  It is so inept that it is pretty damn funny though.

***

Incidentally, to those of you wondering why I don't review the rest of the DVD, here's why....

Yeah, you get it now.  Merry Sonic-mas!

***To see a bonus review of this Episode, go here.***

Lost in Translation: Alien (Again)

Ridley Scott's Sci-Fi Horror Epic is the gift that just keeps on giving.  Will it take Jaws' place in my heart?  Let's see with this Asian Poster...

While not the most confusing one I've seen (it's this one), it is a strange one.

I do love that Weaver's reaction shot serves an extra purpose here.  She's like 'This is the Poster?!?  Crap!'

Rare Flix: Red Scorpion

It's only fitting to pay tribute to Nelson Mandela's life's work by covering a film that *allegedly* was funded by supporters of Apartheid.  It's not the reason why I decided to review it, but things...um...work out.  That's probably not the best choice of words, is it?  Today's film is Red Scorpion, a somewhat-dated film with a lot of political history related to it.  Does the name Jack Abramoff ring a bell?  It should.  When he was going down for some dubious double-dealings, his connection to many political figures came to light.  Yeah, they weren't happy.  Feel free to Google a detailed list of what he did.  Before most of that went down, him and his brother Robert decided to make a movie.  When filming in Switzerland fell out, they took some money from a group associated with 'the powers that be' in South Africa to make the film there- allegedly.  They all claim that they didn't know, but...who just takes money from a stranger?  Right.  So much for 'don't play Sun City,' Jack!  This film stars Dolph Lundgren, playing a role that he would later play in both Men of War and Bridge of Dragons.  In hindsight, they should have called this Red OF Scorpion.  Dolph burn!  In all seriousness, this is an interesting (and loud) bit of Cold War Era trash.  To find out more, read on...

Dolph is a Spetsnaz Soldier who is sent on a mission to take out a Rebel Leader in South Africa.  Where's Charlie Wilson to break dozens of laws to put a stop to this since (apparently) he loved Afghanistan.

Sorry, it's not often that I get to point out the hypocrisy of the late-Senator (as reported by the film about him).  Damn your charm, Tom Hanks!

Where was I?  Oh right, Dolph breaks the Rebel Leader and an American man (M. Emmet Walsh) out of Russian Prison.

It's all part of their plan to have him integrate into their group and take him out at night.

Before that can happen, we must have a TEN MINUTE truck chase.  It's a cross between the bit in Mitchell and that scene from The Matrix: Reloaded.  It's slightly faster than one and worse than the other.

Feel free to guess which one is which.

Oh and his plan fails.  He gets caught and left for dead.  He gets something worse though.

In a twist that nobody saw coming, he is tortured by those evil Russians and Cubans, who are apparently working together in South Africa.  They...have a plan or something, I'm sure.

The real plan was apparently behind the scenes as one group (the International Freedom Foundation) funded this film to undermine the other (the African National Congress).  The latter is still around, while the latter is not, however.

Dolph is rescued by a Tribesman and taught their ways.  The people take him in and are nice enough to give him a taste of Faith No More's 'Epic.'

That one's just for you, Bob.  Enjoy.

Dolph finds peace and a new purpose: to kill the people that he has worked for his entire life.  Yeah, he's kind of a dick like that.

He turns into Rambo- ironic when you consider that he was trying to kill Stallone only two years earlier- for this bit blatantly stolen from Strike Commando...I mean, Rambo: First Blood- Part 2.   Seriously, just look at this!

When he finally confronts his old Boss, Dolph and him hash out their differences and realize that Communism is not the way to go.

No, just kidding- he blows him up.  The End.

Boom.  That's really the message to take away from the whole thing.  Bad people use guns and explosions to get what they want.  To counter that, good people use guns and explosions to stop them.  I'm sure that there is a moral there.  This is a film co-written by a guy who spent nearly four years in Federal Prison, so it's not that surprising.  The only thing to take from this is that the Russians were bad people.  Right- got it.  They've definitely taken a turn for the better with their President who scoffs at his own Electoral Law, a KGB that locks up political rivals and their anti-gay legislation.  I just keep contradicting myself today- odd.  All political stuff aside, this is a dumb, message-less Action Movie.  It was Co-Written by the man who Wrote Mighty Morphin Power Rangers: The Movie and All Dogs Go To Heaven 2, so who's shocked?  Take us away, Credit that the DVD apparently tries to ignore (only Olsen is Credited)...

Next up, an Action Movie from the 1990s starring Ice T.  It's always a good sign when your movie is ripping off a Wesley Snipes movie.  Stay tuned...

Lost in Translation: Star Wars- Episode IV

Consider this an early Christmas present from me to you.  It's...just great.

Stars Wars is a major landmark in cinematic history.  It's success has brought billions of dollars in money by way of Sequels, Video Games and a classic Holiday Special.  Here's how one Country viewed it...

Ha ha ha ha ha!

I love this weird, confusing mess of a poster.  It gets extra bonus points for making Darth Vader- the menace of my youth- look like Duck Vader (from Tiny Toon Adventures)...

Gold.  Pure Gold.

Buy The DVD!: Bio-Cop

You would think that I couldn't review an 8-minute fake Trailer.  You would be wrong.  In this case, it is Bio-Cop, the Trailer attached to the end of Manborg.  Hopefully more comes of this- a la Machete and Hobo With A Shotgun- in the future.  Time will tell!  In the meantime, let's discuss this awesome bit of fake-to-possibly-be-real-later entertainment.  Bio-Cop tells a tale as old as time.  Man makes Bio-Cop.  Man makes drugs.  Cops use Bio-Cop to put a stop to it.  Classic!  I'm sure that I'm stretching this a bit to make it work, but why not?  To get a glimpse at this at this bonus reason to own Manborg on DVD, read on...

Crime is rampant in...um, a city.  This evil guy is behind it all and nobody can stop him.  No man that is!

Bio-Cop is out on the Streets and he is kicking the ass of crime.

Well, when he's not trying to kill himself because his body is falling apart.  Don't ask.

He still takes time to kick criminal ass regardless though.  You won't like what happens to his face in the next shot.  It's...gooey.

This Ed Glaser-looking guy is a Drug Dealer.  Actually, to be more accurate, he's a Druggz Dealer.

The high point of the 'film': the bit where the titular Bio-Cop goes undercover at a Drug Bust.  I won't SPOIL it, but it's a hilarious take on a Cop Film Cliche.

To find out what happens (and may happen in a real film), Buy the DVD.  The End.

Yeah, this is just plain ridiculous.  That said, it is pure, unadulterated fun!  In many ways, Bio-Cop feels like I wish all Troma films were.  It is goofy.  It is over-the-top.  It seems to have actual Actors who are trying in it.  I also wish that they were all 8 minutes long to boot!  Boom!  Troma burn!  In all seriousness, Bio-Cop is a great Teaser for what could be.  As a film, Bio-Cop may not be as fun as the Trailer is.  Machete was.  Hobo With A Shotgun was (although not as much as the other).  There's only one way to be sure.  Steven Kostanski- make this movie!  I would totally buy that Videodisc!  (UPDATE: I actually have a Videodisc- just not this one)

Next up, what happens when a Federal Convict and Dolph Lundgren team-up?  You get an obscure Action Film from the late 1980s that is sure to hold up today.  Stay tuned...

Oh, Canada: Manborg

This is glorious in its insanity!  

Today's film is Manborg, a film that I have been looking forward to seeing for a while now.  

Thanks to Blockbuster Video Stores all going out of business- sorry, guys-, I got my hands on it quite cheap- $4.99 to be exact.  

Well, it was certainly a better value than Death From Above- that's for damn sure!  

The downside is that Maynard got to see it before I did.  

The up-side: I own it on DVD, which means that I own the film and the Bio-Cop trailer.  Score!  

I will get around to covering that thing on its own soon enough.  

So, what is Manborg about?  Do I need to spell it out? 

 It's about a Manborg that fights evil and tries to save the day.  

If you really need to know more, you may not be the film's audience.  

To see a glimpse of what this intentionally-retro-looking Import film is like, read on...

The evil Count Draculon is leading his forces of HELL to take over the World!  

He kills our hero's brother and then the man himself.  Is he truly dead though?

A mysterious man takes his body and restores him.  

He creates a MANBORG!

He regains consciousness and discovers that the creatures have taken over the World and force humans to fight for their amusement.

There are actually alot of similarities between this film and Actium Maximus.  The differences are important though.

For one thing, this film has a hero.  

He's MANBORG and he has a machine gun hand and a missile hidden in his elbow.  

Who else can make that boast?

Also unlike Actium Maximus, the Special Effects (as chessy as they are) are satisfying.  

Watch him shoot this guy into a dozen pieces!  

It's ridiculous!  

It's over-the-top!  

It's...well, awesome.

In a really silly bit, he must fight the Gladiatorial Arena's top fighter.  This Claymation monster is ludicrous and gets blown up with a missile.

The only thing that tops this design is NM-E, the 4-armed T-Rex robot with machine guns for hands from Ultraforce.  

That thing...is just too awesome.  He needs to be in The Avengers 2.

I will be a bit vague on the plot from hereon out, since I do want you to see this piece of goofy awesomeness.  

I will say that they eventually break free.

They must go through a training montage (of course!) to prepare for the final battle against Count Draculon and his evil henchmen.  

Are they up for the task?

Look at this guy and say that you're in a rush to go fight him. I dare you.

To find out who wins, who loses and how much carnage is raised, see the movie.  Trust me- it's ridiculous!  The End.

There's not much more to say about how great this thing is.  

I was not 100% sold on the film, to be honest.  

It had the possibility of turning out to just be dumb.  Let's be honest: this sounds like alot any number of Troma films out there.  

Thankfully, it is treated seriously.  Yes, the plot is silly and everything that happens is pretty much ludicrous.  

Why the film works is that they treat it seriously, but also don't act like it is high art.  Actium Maximus acted like it was the next Star Wars.  

Where did that get it?  It got it bundled on a DVD with Star Worms II (which isn't actually a Sequel- don't ask), that's what!  

Manborg is ludicrous, silly and another word I've probably used about 600 times in this review so far.

  Like I said, I was skeptical, but they knocked it out of the park.  

See it!  

Buy it!  

See it again!  

Now all they need to do is make Bio-Cop a full film.  I'll get to that quite soon...

Next up, a special look at the bonus feature with Manborg.  Can the bastard child of Robo-Cop and The Toxic Avenger be anything but weird?  Stay tuned...

Lost in Translation: Friday the 13th, Part 7

Hey, it's that sort-of Holiday that happens every few months without much warning.  Good thing I prepared for it!

Okay, not really.  I did find this though...

Wow- this one is a random and lazy doozy!  Random corpses, implied nudity and constipated Jason.

What did you expect from a Ghana poster for the least-liked Friday the 13th film though?

(Once) Rare Flix: All The Boys Love Mandy Lane

Is the story behind a film more interesting than the film itself?  Today's movie is All The Boys Love Mandy Lane, a film who's existence has taunted people like me for years.  The film was made to be released in 2006, but only recently came out on DVD.  Confused?  Well, here's the short version.  The Producers turned down a deal from Miramax and went with someone else.  That company went bankrupt and the film rights were left in limbo for a long time.  Who's to thank for this film seeing the light?  Johnny Depp.  He had nothing to do with the film then and he still doesn't.  However, the film stars Amber Heard, who he's now dating- something that instantly raises her profile.  You have a movie starring 'Jack Sparrow's' girlfriend- a Studio wants to release it!  Thanks to Anchor Bay, this urban legend of a film is now available to watch.  Was it worth the wait?  For me, not so much.  It's...not a bad movie, really.  I just really found myself not caring about these Characters and what happened to them.  There is a fine line in Slasher Films, after all.  You want real characters so that their deaths have meaning to a less cynical audience.  At the same time, you want broad, silly characters that can have funny deaths for the cynical 'gore-hounds' out there.  Am I just hating on the movie or is there something to it?  To find out (with only relative SPOILERS), read on...

This is Mandy Lane.  She's apparently the epitome of the 'unattainable High School hottie.'  In true cliche fashion, she has one friend: a dorky, loner who pines for her.  Let's just call him Not Ducky.

Not Ducky convinces a Jock to do the 'I'm a Golden God' trick, which apparently ends in him hitting the pavement and being hurt and/or killed.  Time jump!

Some vague time later (did I miss a Time Card?), the big focus is on a weekend retreat and the main characters trying to get Mandy Lane to go.

After establishing that they are all terrible people, she says 'yes.'  Alert the media!

After a shit-ton of filler (more than a Hamburger in a Dive Bar!), we finally see a person (not the black guy- shocking!) get attacked and killed.  It was nice of them to sexualize the whole thing and to kill off the second-least-terrible person here too.

They make sure to tell the lone 'adult' to not call the Police, since the kid is not supposed to be partying at the Ranch.  Is this a bigger plot point?

No.  No, it is not.

While this bit is part of a bigger 'Ooh, scary' moment, I choose to use it to sum up my feelings on the film so far...

For the last half hour or so, we get some action as the killer reveals himself/herself and starts to finally do something.  Hurray!

Naturally, someone ends up in a pit full of bones and animal parts.  It wouldn't be a real Horror Film without that cliche.

I won't SPOIL this Ending for you, since the film is new release/old.  I will say that a Horror Sequel (made years later) steals its thunder a bit though.  Enjoy this vague shot.  The End.

Seriously, don't make us wait so long.  If this film was really released when it was made, it might have stood out more.  While I loathe Miramax for some of its business strategies- like buying those Oscars-, they certainly have good distribution.  Unfortunately, you can't undo past mistakes, so we're just now getting this film.  It is nothing special.  There- I said it.  The worst thing I can say here is that I was just apathetic towards the whole thing.  There are no major issues with how it was shot, Edited or Scored.  The whole thing is just 'meh' for me.  You could argue that many films would have suffered if they had sat on a shelf for 7 years.  Would Ginger Snaps have been as big a deal in 2007?  Would Maniac (the original) been as shocking in 1988?  Would Dude, Where's My Car? have been as epic if it didn't come out until 2007?  Okay, that last one kind of fades out.  The point remains the same.  I'm glad that All The Boys Love Mandy Lane is more than just a film in my Save Queue.  As far as the film itself, I was not impressed.  It makes me wonder how I'm going to feel about movies like Evil: In the Time of Heroes or Embodiment of Evil when they get imported to America sometime in the next Decade.  I'll leave you with this shot of the one scene that every High School-Based Slasher Film must have (although they aren't naked)...

Next up, the Canadians give us something crazy to watch.  That's right- Manborg!  Stay tuned...