Lock Me Up!: Titanic 2

Are you laughing yet?  If so, you're approaching this film entirely the wrong way.  Yes, the people behind Alien vs. Hunter, The Da Vinci Treasure and The Day The Earth Stopped made a serious film.  It's still stupid as hell, but it's meant to be a real drama.  The plot is simple: a rich guy builds a model replica of the Titanic and sends it on the same course the original one went on.  Why?  Because it's the 100th Anniversary, of course.  You couldn't just build a statue or something?  Which 'star who should know better is along for the ride' (an Asylum tradition, of course)?  Bruce Davison, most notable to most people as the Senator from X-Men.  Given the quality of Asylum films featuring character actors named Bruce (i.e. King of the Lost World), things aren't looking good.  Just so you know: this is a 2010 film & there wills be SPOILERS.  Get out your Life Boats II for...

The film begins with some familiar shots of icy mountains in the Arctic Circle.  Yes, they re-used the opening title shot from both Mega-Shark vs. Giant Octopus and 2010: Moby Dick!  The Asylum re-using footage and locations- I'm shocked!  A guy goes surfing on the waves, but a chunk of glacier breaks off and the now-giant wave kills him.  We cut to the ship being sent out to sea, as part of a lavish ceremony.  Of course, we also get some random back-story shoehorned in.  Our heroine used to date the owner of the ship and her father (Davison) is always working.  The latter plot thread seems a bit silly when you consider that he works for the U.S. Government to help avert disasters!  'You missed my Recital to rescue people from a volcano eruption...you jerk!'  The trip goes off without a hitch as Davison is sent out to an iceberg to meet a scientist/plot point.  She's camped out on the iceberg to study how it will break apart soon.  That seems like a bad idea, doesn't it?  Of course, she signed to do an Asylum film, so bad ideas are commonplace for this lady!  Sure enough, the thing comes apart as Davison, the lady and the least lucky helicopter pilot ever flee.  The wave it creates is causing a tsunami...but the boat will be safe.  Unless, of course, it sends icebergs hurtling towards the ship.  Wait- why did I just say that unprovoked?

The ship is full of drama and that's even before the ice hits.  The rich guy wanders around with a quartet of random models.  They are later portrayed as sympathetic characters later, which is an odd thing to do for sure!  Finally, the iceberg hits and the ship starts shaking back and forth.  What's fun to do here?  The extras are either really good runner or trip on the stairs.  Watching the random models suddenly leading people around and giving helpful tips is nice too.  Everything else- meh.  Davison and the scientist spend the whole movie from this point on trying to get to the ship.  Way to use your biggest star as an Act Break between shitty CG effects!  The film makes a point about the ship having plenty of life boats, but this idea goes wrong in two ways.  One- they're life subs...because why not?!?  Two- the ice hits the ship and takes out half of them.  Way to learn from history, you ass-hats!  To make matters worse, another wave is coming...which will kill anyone in the boats.  You can't win for dying!

The film tries to make a lot of drama, but does anyone really care?  They make a big show about saving our heroine's best friend from the lab...but she dies later.  How?  An elevator door closes on her as our heroine tries to, splitting her in half.  The goofy part- the rich guy just walks through right after that with no trouble at all.  They end up trapped in a lower part of the ship with no way out.  Thankfully, Davison is there to save the day by...talking to her on a radio.  He gets them to the Scuba Room- they have one?- and our heroine puts on the only tank remaining.  The others were lost...or something.  The ship's owner has a brilliant plan to let himself freeze in the water, preserving him until he can be rescued.  Yeah, you're going to die.  Davison has his own brilliant plan: go onto the ship and bring her back.  Surprisingly, this works and they swim away before the ship sinks completely and blows up.  Yes, an explosion with that much gas in it is avoidable from so close.  They try to revive the owner, but, big shock, he's dead.  With that dark note, the movie ends with shots of them crying.  No, really.

I can't believe you're serious!  The plot of this movie is so basic that I find it hard to make fun of.  I mean, it's every freaking disaster film ever!  Of course, in Asylum tradition, the plot is stretched past the point of being ridiculous.  We can't have the killer wave alone- so let's have two!  The problem is that this movie is just not as fun as you would think.  I mean- it's freaking Titanic 2!  The stupid, animated film is ridiculous to the point of constant laughter, while The Asylum's film is dull!  How did a bunch of stupid, Italian people (no disrespect) get it 'right,' while you guys got it wrong.  The special effects are a joke- big shock.  Even those are not funny enough to really warrant more than a chuckle though.  The ridiculous events like mega-sharks attacking planes, Moby Dick leaping over a mountain or Tiffany starring in a motion-picture are not here.  You guys continue to find new ways to fail!  Why do I even bother with you?  Oh right- it's just so easy!  If you think that this film will be funny, you're mostly wrong.  If you think that this film will be go- okay, I couldn't even finish that sentence!

Next up, I finally tackle something from the After Dark Horrorfest.  This one features a vague monster, that chick from House of the Dead II and CHARLIE MUR-PHY!  Stay tuned...

Lost in Translation: Don't Look Now

While I found the movie to be very slow, a lot of people love Don't Look Now.  Naturally, this cult-classic has a bizarre, foreign poster to go with it...

It looks like the home of the Care Bears is being assaulted by a pink-faced ghost!  Words fail me, gentlemen.

Up next, what's scarier than a movie with Richard Chamberlain and Sharon Stone?  The foreign poster, of course.  Stay tuned...

Two Years of Mondo Bizarro: The Asylum's Freakshow (2007)

After two years, this is what I get!  One of my favorite films from the 1930s is Tod Browning's Freaks.  The man was on top of the world.  He had just made Dracula for Universal and was given the green-light to do whatever he wanted.  He chose Freaks.  The movie was looked upon badly by many people and was banned in the UK for 30 years!  For a long time, people said 'nobody could ever remake Freaks today!'  That was taken as a challenge in 2007 by a little company known as The Asylum.  Yes, those guys.  They made a film called Freakshow, which claims to have been banned in 43 countries.  Does anyone believe that this film was even released in 43 counties- let alone 3?!?  The plot is basically the same as the first one, save for a few minor tweaks.  By the way, there are no pinheads or bearded ladies here.  I guess one dwarf and a guy with no legs will suffice.  You know that it's going to hurt, so let's just step right in and see the...

So what has changed in this version?
* A group of thugs now work at the circus and concoct a plan to rob the owner, not the dwarf.
* The strongman is not bad in this one.
* There's a corrupt and weak-willed Sheriff character here that serves no purpose.
* The dwarf is not a major character here.  His actual character is not really here, to be honest.

* The new plot of the women seducing the owner is bogged down with a bunch of minor sub-plots, including some woman who feels threatened by her.  It goes nowhere.
* The dinner scene is the same, only not nearly as effective and missing the famous phrase.

* The real tipping point involves a pair of thugs killing a little girl who spots them in the act of a crime.
* All of the guys meet bloody- barely-shown- deaths.  However, that is in contrast to...
* The famous 'Revenge Ending' is maintained, but all of the torture is shown.  In a nearly blood-less film, the finale involves a very-long torture scene!
* Instead of turning her into a 'chicken lady,' they just cut off all of her skin and make her...um, a mummy, I guess.

After over seventy years, things have gotten moldy!  The plot of this movie is mostly the same, but too many changes were put in that ruin it.  I love Freaks, but this is hardly the same film.  The whole 'normal humans are the real freaks' idea is maintained, but handled in such a bad way.  The criminals add nothing and their presence feels forced.  It's like when people suddenly try to explain the reason zombies rise from the grave in a Night of the Living Dead remake.  Oh right- they did that...twice (Night of the Living Dead: 30th Anniversary and Night of the Living Dead 3-D)!  Everything that made the movie interesting is either taken out (the presence of real circus performers) or done in such a way as to make it seem very-forced.  "A pair of corrupt people- too subtle.  A whole gang of them- much better!"  If you want to watch Freaks remade in some way, maybe Freakmaker is better.  I haven't seen it, but it's hard to imagine that it's worse than this uneven, (quite frankly) boring film.

Next up, The Asylum strikes again with a movie whose title sounds goofy as all hell.  Since they hate logic, this film is treated 100% seriously!  Stay tuned...

*By the way, if you're waiting for my review of Shakma- don't hold your breath.  The movie just too 'eh' for me and this was more interesting*

VHS For The Win: Return of the Zombies

Zombies are everywhere and this statement was especially true in the 1980s.  Thanks to George A. Romero and Lucio Fulci, the studios couldn't get enough of them.  Wizard Video was never going to miss out on a trend, so they released this film....

Zombies are floating in space above naked women on boxes?  I don't follow.  Given that this film promises zombie versions of Simba's dad from The Lion King, I'm game!

Next up, what happens when a demon becomes a maniac.  Only one film dares to tell you the result!  Stay tuned...

Indie Flix : Rosencrantz and Guildenstern are Undead

It's rare that movies I watch on a whim are actually good.  Mind you, most of the films I watch are pretty sure to be bad.  Obviously, there are some that surprise me, but I generally know what to expect.  So when I found a movie with a silly title and no major release, I was very skeptical.  Surprisingly, I actually liked it.  Not in the 'it's stupid as hell and I laughed' way either.  While it's a bit pretentious and may not be for everyone, I had a good time with it.  As I stated, this 2009 film did not get a real release in any major outlet.  Thankfully, it does have a DVD and Blu-Ray release, as well as being on streaming via Netflix.  Guess how I saw it.  The film is a bit complicated to explain, but I'll try.  Basically, a guy gets hired to direct the titular play, only to find out that some of the events are real, tying Shakespeare's play to vampires.  Plus, Ralph Macchio shows up.  I'll get into it in more detail later.  Let's get out our Danish stakes, because I just found out that...

The film begins with a man waking up in bed with a woman he doesn't really know.  This is our hero (Justin Hoffman), who has spent the last several months with one night stands, since he lost the love of his life.  Oh yeah, his bedroom is also in his father's Doctor's Office.  Seeking a job, he answers a Personal Ad  for a Directing job in a play.  The night before, a woman was doing a silly, one-woman dance show there, only to be killed by some vampires.  This is a minor plot-point, so let's not focus too much on it.  After meeting the weird people behind the show, our hero is hired to Direct the play.  It's led by Horace, a man who is clearly a vampire.  Our hero gets his best friend hired to play Hamlet, which is one of the few good moments he's had recently.  The bad moment: meeting up with his ex-girlfriend (Devon Aoki), who is now dating an Italian businessman (Macchio), who acts like a mobster.  They pretend to be gay so that the guy isn't threatened, but that doesn't entirely work.  When Aoki finds out about an opening in the play, she coerces her way onto the set and gets the job as the ill-fated sister of Hamlet.  We see the rehearsals and learn that this play is very...well, odd.  In the play, Horatio and Hamlet are both vampires, but the latter turns against him.  Yeah, that's happening.

Things turn even weirder when a homeless woman slips some information to our hero's friend.  She explains that she is part of a group that knows the truth about the play.  He convinces the guy that the people behind it are vampires, leading him to an all-Garlic diet.  This works for a while until they just up and kill him.  The play must go on, however, as our hero ends up playing the lead.  On the plus side, the tragic events lead Aoki back into our hero's arms and bed.  Macchio looks into the play, finding out some odd things about Horace and his friends.  Eventually, the woman gets to our hero and presents him with a DVD explaining about their group.  They explain that the play is a trick by vampires to have a human put it on, allowing them to kill the entire audience.  Oh yeah, Hamlet was also suggested to Shakespeare by Horace (who is actually Horatio), Rosencrantz and Guildenstern led the push to get the Stoppard play written & Hamlet find the Holy Grail to cure vampirism.  In addition, the play is also a chance for Horace/Horatio to draw out Hamlet once and for all.  To see where this all leads....watch the movie.

A vampire film that doesn't suck- cool!  The plot of this movie is certainly odd, but I got into its quirky charm.  The plot is silly and wrapped all around itself, sure.  I liked the characters, appreciated the dry wit and found the story easy enough to follow.  It's a lot harder to explain than to follow it.  The acting is all well-done, even from Macchio- who I'm not the biggest fan of.  He plays his simple role to perfection.  The film was shot in 2009 on a Hi-Def Handicam, but doesn't feel cheap.  It has all of the polish of a major studio film, which is a credit to those involved.  My only real complaint is the silly Title Cards they kept using.  They didn't add anything and felt a bit pretentious.  Even so, I can live with them.  If you like quirky films or Meta films, I highly recommend this.  I can't say that it will appeal to everyone, but I'm just quirky enough to enjoy it.  Even if you're on the fence, it is available to watch for free- provided that you use Netflix and their streaming service.  It's rare that I say this, so take note- check this movie out (with no conditions per se).

Up next, Mondo Bizarro celebrates two years of shitty movies with...a shitty movie.  This one is a combination of the worst studio releasing DVDs right now and a classic film that shocked audiences 80 years ago.  Stay tuned...
  

Random Cover Art: The Mighty Peking Man

The Mighty Peking Man is a very over-looked film in the grand scheme of things.  It's not great, but it certainly is weird.  Naturally, there is a film poster that gets everything completely wrong...

How did you get that title?  None of it makes sense!  Did I miss something?  He's a freaking monkey!

Instant Trash: Troll 3 (aka Ator 4)

What exactly are the requirements to be a Troll sequel?  The second film does not feature the titular monsters, while the first Troll 3 features killer plants.  This one features Ator and three of the things from Troll 2.  Yeah, that is doubly-untrue!  This is actually the fourth film in the Ator series, which is kind of a mess in its own way.  The first two films feature Miles O'Keefe and were directed by Joe D'Amato to make some money off of the backs of the Conan franchise.  When it was announced the no more Conan films would be made, Joe sold the rights to the series.  What was the point, he figured?  A third film- Iron Warrior- was made and it also starred O'Keefe.  For some unknown reason, D'Amato was upset at the film that he made this film & called it Ator III: The Hobgoblin.  Oh yeah, Miles O'Keefe is not here- I wonder why!  The film is more famous, however, due to a German- and subsequent International- VHS release calling the film Troll 3.  I say all of that to distract from one key point: this movie is terrible.  All of the history of it is far more interesting- and coherent- than the actual film.  Even so, I already committed to this review.  Get out your map and bifocals as we go on a...

The film begins with a thin Opera singer lady running through the woods towards...something.  We see Prince Ator- who is now played by a pasty Eric Allen Kramer- overseeing the trial of some rapists and murderers.  He allows them to fight for their freedom, but his giant sword kills that.  Immediately following this, he talks about how he foresaw his own death and tells his wife that his son- also named Ator- should get the sword when he turns 18.  Keep track of that number later.  A man in armor shows up to kill Ator (the older one) when the woman shows up.  He tells the guy/God to not kill Ator, but he does anyways.  Why did you come then?  The sword breaks by Ator's hand- somehow- and the man turns into...one of the guys from Troll 2.  Weird.  We jump ahead 16 years to find...adult Ator played by the same actor.  Yeah, DNA doesn't work that way.  Plus, he's not 18.  He's told via flashback how her mother went to see Grendel...who is another troll/goblin suit guy.  She explains that he wants him to raise Ator (why?), re-forge the titular sword and allow her to die because...um, late-onset Post-Partem Depression, I guess.  No, it's actual a plot point about how wives of royalty can't outlive their spouses.  Ugh.  He agrees and gives her a poison, but it actually makes her 'do him.'  In the present, Ator is pissed.  Can't you tell?

Ator is given the sword as a present from Grendel and proceeds to try and kill the guy.  Random.  The sword breaks, revealing it to be a fake.  They don't say why his head is regular sword-proof, but whatever.  The next night, Ator pretends to sleep as the guy pulls out another sword.  He goes to use it, but it's also a fake.  Blinded by a spell, Ator bumbles around in the cave alone until he finds the real one.  Still broken, he reforges it...thus nullifying the whole point of Grendel, who he subsequently kills.  He is guided to a bit of treasure by the lady from before, but he must go in alone.  He faces off with...a two-headed robot that gets stuck in a corner and split in half.  The next creature is a walking Godzilla thing, but that does down too.  He finally gets to his goal: the prison of the woman from the beginning.  He's apparently in love with her and frees her from her 'prison of fire'- which is just an open room.  She awakens with a kiss, but this causes stock footage of a volcano to appear.  They run as...the Partenon falls.  Why am I wasting my time with this?  Screw it- The End.

*For full reviews (in video form), go here or here.

I don't care what title this film has- it sucks!  The plot of this movie is about as confusing as it could get!  I mean, it involves a different-looking Ator...who dies within the first ten minutes.  We jump ahead over a decade to meet a second Ator to tell the main plot with.  Throw in a random lady who is made out to be important- but isn't- and a bunch of 'trolls' that serve almost no role in the overall story.  As a bonus, the main villain appears in the beginning and doesn't appear again until the End.  He does nothing!  Oh yeah, since this is a D'Amato film, Laura Gemser is here too.  It only makes sense, since she did design the Troll 2 costumes originally!  The whole thing is a mess, since it's apparently a remake of the original film...except that it barely addresses any of the plot details from that film.  Throw in the silly musical cues, random robots and stock footage & you have a real mess of a film.  The only good bits of (unintentional) humor involve Grendel and his theme music.  Whenever he goes on screen, the music stops and turns into his silly tune.  That's some serious editing!  The whole thing is too much for most of you to handle, but feel free to challenge yourself with it.  The best thing you can do: watch the MST3K version of Cave Dwellers (aka Ator 2).  It's the most fun, after all.

Next up, I bring you a film that's actually good!  Of course, it's still crazy, irreverent and meta as hell.  Stay tuned...
Quest for the Mighty Sword [VHS]

Blockbuster Rip-Off Cinema: Plaguers

Alien- everyone loves to rip you off.  The only film that seems to get ripped off nearly as much as you is Aliens!  From Creature to Unknown Origin, the rip-offs just keep on coming!  The scary thing is: this trend never stopped.  While those films mentioned before were made in the either the '80s or '90s, there is at least one from just three years ago!  The 2008 film Plaguers was released Direct-to-DVD and features a plot synopsis that shouldn't disappoint.  Sexy, space pirates disguise themselves as sexy, space nurses to take over a ship, only to have a supernatural evil corrupt the place.  All of the zombies/aliens here are caused by a giant, green Gobstopper!  My God, it's terror will be Everlasting!  The film also features 'Charles Manson' too- bonus!  Will it live up to it's premise in spite of being a rip-off?  Since this is a 2008 film that's widely-availabe, I will warn you of yonder SPOILERS ahead.  Put on your face mask and turtleneck, because we're going to meet some...

We begin the story in media res with a woman running from mutated people.  Why?  You'll see.  The movie proper begins with people bickering in space.  It seems that a woman has taken over as the ship's commander and there is some friction.  Gee, it was silly of me to expect this story to have been told from the beginning, wasn't it?  Anyhow, the crew from Critters 4: They're Invading Your Space is flying along until they hear a distress signal from a floating ship.  This always turns out great- at least, it does if you like Xenomorphs.  They go onto the ship- or rather, two of them do- and wander into a couple jump scares.  Eventually, they find a bevvy of sexy, space nurses.  So you didn't lie to me, title!  They take the women on board, most of them finding one that wants to be friendly.  Unfortunately, their hands-on approach to spaceship travel doesn't last long as one of them stabs the pilot through the throat and the rest knock out the crew.  The only one to resist the female advances is the Science Tech played by Steve Railsback.  You couldn't resist the jungle women from King of the Lost World, but you fall for these gals?  The ladies reveal their evil plan.  You see, they are space pirates who plan to sell the ship and everything on-board.  Unfortunately, one of them has a problem subduing one of the crew members in a later struggle and hits her head on a weird, glowing gem in the Cargo Bay.  This transforms her into...

...A space zombie!  There are no aliens here, just space zombies!  No, they're not Astro-Zombies, nor are they the titular Blood Monsters.  The man manages to kill the thing and get away...or so he thinks.  These things refuse to die.  Damn their 'merch powers!'  Our heroes manage to overpower the space nurses/pirates during the ensuing chaos, but not before they lose two of their own to the mysterious plague/infection.  It's about this time we get the reveal that's not even a surprise, since this is an Alien rip-off: Steve Railsback's character is a robot.  I guess when you can't get Lance Henriksen, he'll do!  He shows off his robotic strength by knocking a chunk off of the head of a lady 'zombie.'  Don't worry- it just kind of grows back without anyone acknowledging it.  The remaining pirates and crew member hide and try to think up a plan.  As they do this, we get more zombies.  Yeah, these guys are not the best survivalists, it seems.  They also explain the whole 'new commander' storyline in some exposition dialog.  Basically, they picked up the weird, green thing on some planet, but it's box crushed the old Commander aka the new Commander's fiancee.  How sad- get back to the zombies!

Not surprisingly, the pirates are not the most trustworthy bunch.  The craziest one convinces the guy who originally caused the infestation to split off from the group and look for an escape pod.  Yeah, he dies a bloody death, as does the woman.  The cast is whittled down until we have just the Commander, the lead pirate and Railsback.  He holds the zombies off for a bit, but gets controlled by the green orb thing.  He escapes its power, however, long enough to get ripped apart by the zombies during an heroic act.  The pirate- shockingly- betrays the Commander and goes for a pod, but gets killed.  The wounded lady manages to escape to the Docking Bay where she finds that her fiancee's preserved corpse is missing.  In it's place- a super-mutant.  Yeah, I guess it mutates dead people different or some shit.  She gets away, sending herself out in his former-coffin (ew) towards Earth...only to find the Orb inside.  Ruh roh.

There's not enough fake blood here to save this 'sinking ship.'  The plot of this movie is part Alien and part Day of the Dead.  Of course, it's not as good as either of them.  They frame the story in a confusing manner at times, deciding to reveal certain plot points later than you would think.  Why do they wait nearly an hour to explain what the magical orb is or where it's from?  It's kind of important to the plot, guys!  The acting is not great here either, although Railsback does his usual good job.  He doesn't have a lot to work with here, but he tries to make the most of it.  Everybody else....I don't care about.  The film's real appeal is going to be from the gore.  While it doesn't show in my screen captures, there's a lot of it.  Some of it looks good, while some of it looks cheap as hell.  If this is enough to draw you into a film, it should work.  For everybody else, it's just a lot of wasted potential.  Zombies in space- neat.  The way zombies in space are handled here- not so neat.  Plus, it just reminds me that nobody has made a real werewolf or mummy in space film.  Someone really needs to get on that.  This movie is alright, but nothing more.  I was hoping for something more, I guess.

Next up, I cover Troll 3...again.  This time, it features 'Ator,' a two-headed robot and Godzilla.  Stay tuned...

Mondo Year Two: Top 10 Rare Flix

As an internet user and film critic, I consider it my goal to expose people to movies that they might not know, remember or even realize exist.  To that end, I have a segment called Rare Flix which covers those kinds of films.  Some of them have no recent DVD release, others have a VHS one only and some you can only find via YouTube.  Incidentally, I've got a whole slew of them for the end of March.  It should give me plenty of material for next year's list!  In the meantime, enjoy these films that you may not have heard of.

10. Cyborg III: This recent one is good for what it is, but nothing more.  Cyborg is mildly-famous as a Van Damme film, while Cyborg 2 has a DVD release solely because it co-stars Angelina Jolie.  What about the third- and final film- though?  It features Zach Galligan who has to teach Cash (who is not Jolie) to love her coming child, while a pair of genre actors want to sell her for scrap.  It's fun, but pretty forgettable- even with a non sequitur cameo by Malcolm McDowell.  If you use Netflix, it's on Streaming right now (as part of Starz Play, I think).  If you don't, shell out the big bucks for a VHS box.

9. 'Italian Jaws': You can thank Universal for this film's rarity.  Around 1980, a film called Great White hit American theaters, prompting outrage from the studio.  Why?  Because this film is a pretty blatant knock-off, save for a few minor details.  The lawsuit and dismissal from theaters made this a rare gem- of sorts- for people like me.  It's alright.

8. Nick Knight: It's the only thing less remembered by most people than the show itself.  In the mid-80s, a back-door pilot was made about a vampire cop in Chicago.  It starred Rick Springfield and was decent, although it cheaped out on many effects and couldn't find a tone.  A few years later, the show finally became reality.  You may know it as Forever Knight.  It all starts here, people- assuming you care.

7. Invaders from Mars (1986): Poor Tobe Hooper couldn't catch a break in the late-80s.  As part of his contract with Canon Films, the T.C.M. director made a few films- this one, Lifeforce and T.C.M. 2.  None of them were hits though, making him not the most popular guy in the film business for a bit.  This is a remake of sorts of a 1950s film famous for it's child protagonist.  Hooper's version is fun, flashy but a bit too weird for audiences.  I own the OOP DVD thanks to my local Hollywood Video closing though.  Good for me- bad for you.

6. Class of 1999: While not OOP, this one is rare.  The film is billed as a sequel to Class of 1984, but is pretty far from it.  That film was a drama about teenagers rebelling against society and- more specifically- their schools.  This one features robot teachers and Pam Grier.  Yeah, this one is weird, but actually warranted a sequel.  Oddly enough, the sequel is OOP.  Go figure!

5. Amityville 4- The Evil Escapes: For pure hilarity alone, this one is here.  After two serious films and one in 3-D, the series veers off in a weird direction here.  Why?  Well, they blow up the titular house in the third film!  As I've stated numerous times in my review of the series- getting through them pretty well, all things considered- the focus became random objects from the house that get bought and create terror.  No, they don't explain how they were sold after the explosion.  This one is famous for it's villainous and ruthless...lamp.  No, really.  It's goofy as hell and the most fun to laugh at besides Amityville 1992: It's About Time.  Holy melting phone, Batman!

4. Aswang: What a bizarre premise!  This 1994 horror film has a low-budget and not-so-great production values, but it sells itself on a weird premise.  A man brings a woman pretending to be his wife to see his mother at her home.  Trouble looms, however, as the family secret is slowly revealed: they're all fetus-eating vampires.  It's about as gross as it sounds.  If you can find this movie on DVD- good luck- you should check it out.

3. Rawhead Rex: Here's a film that someone apparently doesn't want to put on DVD!  This film is based on one of the many Clive Barker tales, but didn't get the same prestige as stuff like Hellraiser.  Basically, a freaky monster- the title character- comes to life and starts killing people.  That's basically it.  The film was released on DVD in 1999 by Anchor Bay and...never again since.  Unless you find a way around this issue, you're going to shell out about $100 for a DVD of the movie.  It's not that good.

2. Castle Freak: Stuart Gordon and Jeffrey Combs playing it straight- really?!?  This Full Moon film is definitely a cut above the rest.  Combs and his family are torn apart by family strife as they go to the estate that he's inherited.  Sadly, things don't get better as an inbred mutant is loose there too.  The film works a lot of it's magic thanks to the Gothic charm and atmosphere, even if the outcome is bleak.  This DVD is really hard to find, so pick it up when you can.

1. Maximum Overdrive: I'm sorry, but can you blame me.  This is the only Stephen King film directed by the man himself, so naturally it's based an obscure, short story from the 'Nightshift Collection.'  If you want to see a balls-out action movie with explosions and shooting, this is your film.  If you want to see faceless robots taunting people, this is your film.  If you want to see what happens when a famous author directs a film while on lots of cocaine, this is definitely your film.  The DVDs are out there, but not as wide-spread as you might think.  Just keep an eye out for this one.

Up next, let's look at the Top 10 Weirdest Japanese Films.  These are the ones you all know and love (hopefully).  Stay tuned...

Rare Flix: Order of the Black Eagle

Are you a parody or not?  The 1986 action film Order of the Black Eagle is listed as a 'parody of action films.'  Aside from a few moments though, it feels like just like all of the others.  Is that a compliment or an insult?  Is the movie so good at the parody that I just can't notice the difference?  I'm really not sure what to say here, so let's jump to the plot summary.  Basically, a group called the Order of the Black Eagle is the modern Third Reich and has plans to make a super-weapon.  This looks like a job for Duncan Jax...whoever that is.  Jax is apparently a famous spy who appeared in one other movie- Unmasking the Idol.  Yeah, I apparently watched the second film first.  In my defense, I defy you to find five people who have heard of this movie, let alone the original.  In spite of that fact, let's see what this film's non-hype is all about.  Decide whether or not you want appetizers or not, since we're about to make our...

The film begins- like most comedies do- with stock footage of Adolf Hitler.  The point of that will be clear later.  A meeting in Geneva is disrupted by a bunch of terrorists dressed like Guardian Angels.  They kidnap a scientist, but all end up dying in the process.  Without a segue, we cut to a guy breaking into a building and stealing a valuable of some sort.  He sets off the alarm and flees to the roof, where he meets up with...a monkey.  No, really.  This is Duncan's pet monkey and the pair fly away in a small helicopter.  After that title, he goes to his boss' home and gets a new assignment.  Before that, however, we get the most tired cliche of 'spies teaming up' movies- the 'I met you once before, so we won't get along' bit.  When it's been done in Black Cobra III, it's been done to death!  Duncan and a lady spy named Youngblood (Holy Rob Liefeld, Batman!) are sent undercover to a meeting held by the titular group of Nazis.  As luck would have it, a captured member is nearly Duncan's twin, save for a mustache.  They meet up with this film's Q, who gives them a bunch of gadgets that will get used once and abandoned.  Don't they all.  The meeting goes well, as we learn that the Order has a giant laser to be operated by the kidnapped guy and, oh yeah, they have a frozen Hitler.  Our heroes sneak out and get captured, leading to a chase and the end of a very-defined First Act.

In Act Two, our hero meets up with a group of mercenaries hired by, um, somebody to help out.  It seems that they only had two days to stop the bad guys, so good planning there.  The group includes a tough black guy (a modern day Chocolate Mousse), 'Iman' with throwing knifes, two hippies with guns, a hot brunette with an Uuzi and an Old West gunslinger.  I'm still not sure how much of this is parody, by the way.  A Mexican man attacks them for killing his buddy during a card game in Act One.  This scene is mostly filler, as it serves no purpose to the plot other than showing off how tough the mercenaries are.  They fill about five minutes with this shoot-out that ultimately serves nothing.  As a bonus, they just leave and the plot never comes up again.  In the base, the scientist is threatened with torture and apparently he gives in.  They don't show this take place, but he's helping them in the next scene.  By the power of Editing, you have all the power!  The group have some trouble making it to the base as their truck gets stuck in the mud and then crashes.  Thanks to more Editing, half of the group ends up on a boat headed towards the base.  As a bonus, 'Q' and the monkey pet are on the boat too, despite not being shown going to the place.  After a speedboat chase and some explosions, Act Two ends with the big showdown looming.

In Act Three, lots of explosions and shooting ensues.  Our heroes start blowing up the bad guys' tents and start shooting.  Everyone gets their own moments to shine.  'Chocolate Mousse' beats up a bunch of guys ,since they decide to run at him rather than shooting him.  The gunslinger guy even gets his own, bizarre musical cue during his scenes.  Well, aren't you special, Django!  Our hero goes in to take out the lead guys, getting cornered by the boss.  The guy brags and manages to stand still long enough to get a spear tossed through his body, despite having the drop on our hero.  He gets to the laser controls and has one half of the 'off-switch'- the fingers of the dead guy.  The other guy burns his hand off, so that plan is out the window.  Instead, our hero has the explosives expert set a bomb at the bottom, while he sets one at the top.  The brunette escapes with the captured blond girl while the building is blown to hell.  More importantly, the monkey gets in its own tank and starts blowing the shit out of everything.  Why isn't this the focus of the movie?!?  In the Epilogue, our heroes leave on the boat.  Duncan decides that this is boring, so he leaves in a hot air balloon...which is also in the ship.  He flies away as his monkey flips them off.

When all else fails, put a monkey in a tank.  The plot of this movie is weird and just kind of there.  Let's really lay this one out, shall we?  Some Fourth Reich guys kidnap a scientist to work on a laser weapon that they already built.  To stop them, the U.S. government hires a spy to infiltrate the group, since he is practically the twin of a guy that they already captured that belongs to the group.  That's...convoluted.  So is this film a parody or not?  It has some silly moments in it, but is mostly played seriously.  The jokes are alright and the action isn't bad, so I'm not complaining.  I'm just a little unclear on what kind of film this is.  The Magnificent Seven is serious.  Top Secret is a parody.  Somewhere between those two, I guess this film sits.  If you can get pas the confusion, this is a fun movie.  It doesn't bring a whole lot of new stuff to the table.  Of course, it does have a monkey driving a tank.  Why am I being critical again?  Take it away, shot of our hero playing up a bad, gay stereotype...

Up next, Blockbuster Trash brings us yet another Aliens rip-off.  This one features 'Charles Manson,' space nurses and a robot.  Stay tuned...

Mondo- Year Two: Top 10 Surprising Films

With the second anniversary of Mondo Bizarro coming soon, I thought it would be good to look back at the films covered this year.  First on the agenda, the Top 10 Surprising Films.  These movies were not what I expected them to be, for better or for worse- usually the latter.

10. Yo-Yo Sexy Girl Cop/The Killer Eye: Both of these films were a lot more about porn than I thought!  The first film probably shouldn't have surprised me so much.  Now, bear in mind that the first Yo-Yo Girl Cop film was billed as fun, action movie, but is mostly a maudlin drama.  No, really.  The other film here looks like a silly, monster movie, but is mostly about a large prop molesting women.  I didn't expect that- especially from Full Moon!


9. The Monster at Camp Sunshine: It's a very complex tale for a movie so stupid!  I thought that this film was one of a pair of Nudist Camp Horror films released  by Something Weird.  It's not...exactly.  It's actually a Nudist Camp Horror film Parody.  No, really.  Why does this exist?  Furthermore, why is it in black and white, despite being released later than the other film in the set?

8. The 9/11 Commission Report: I did not expect this to be so dull.  When I found out that The Asylum had a film made about the famous 9/11 Commission Report, I was expecting something either ridiculous (i.e. aliens attacking the WTC) or controversial (since the film played the Conservative film circuit for months).  What was surprising is that the movie was so listless and uninteresting.  Nothing crazy or all that interesting.  Just a series of barely-related scenes involving talking heads.  That's...odd.

7. Patrick Still Lives: You lie!  I did this movie during Series Month, but was surprised to find out that this film was not part of a series.  Yes, despite being billed as a sequel to the Australian film Patrick, this film is just a rip-off.  It has a different guy named Patrick killing people, just in really ridiculous ways.  The best part: this Patrick was put in a coma by a guy throwing a bottle out of a moving vehicle.  No, really.

6. Boogeyman 2: This is just the weird, middle child in the 'series.'  The first film- the only one to get in theaters- was about a man confronting a freaky spirit from his past.  The third film is about the titular spirit killing people on a college campus...just because.  This film is actually about a pair of siblings who get thrown in an asylum for being scared of 'the boogeyman.'  It's a Saw rip-off that actually features the star of the series in it.  Lame.

5. Tidal Wave: If you want to know what weird pacing looks like, check this one out.  This South Korean disaster film is about two hours or so long.  The first ninety-minutes are almost entirely relegated to setting up the characters.  It's only after that length of time that the titular event happens.  It's not a bad movie for this conceptual choice, but it's certainly a weird one!

4. The Occultist: You shouldn't lie so much, movie!  This film features a slew of ridiculous plot ideas in its summary.  It's described as featuring 'a perilous haven for a group of voodoo-practicing witches who prefer to walk around in the nude' and 'a cyborg named Waldo Warren.' The latter is true, but the 'witches in the nude' are generic black women, one of whom is naked once. More importantly, it takes a silly gimmick- Waldo can fire bullets from nearly every appendage' and makes a boring film. Wow.

3. Cardiac Arrest: I'm not laughing.  This obscure, made-for-TV film features a group of people killing civilians and stealing their hearts.  Naturally, this movie is a comedy.  I wish that I was kidding, but I'm not.  This film barely touches upon the graphic nature of the plot, mostly focusing on the 'wacky' cop.  Who would have guessed?

2. Assault Girls: I really hate being lied to.  This movie has a plot that sounds like Gamer, but with hot, Japanese ladies.  Sadly, it's a dull film with long, lingering shots of the desert.  When you consider that it is supposedly showing a Massively-Multiplayer Online Role-Playing Game, it's a bit silly to have only four people in it!  Killing giant worms or featuring cool-looking mechs in the last Act will not save you from my ridicule!

1. Jaws in Japan: Who's shocked by this choice?  The film is amazingly-dull, making the narrative confusing and unfocused.  Where's the shark?  He shows up five minutes before the end of this 65-minute film.  It's too little and it's far too late.  I really, really wanted to like this movie.

Next up, let's look at the Top 10 Rare Flix to come to Mondo Bizarro over the last year.  You may be surprised what you see.  Stay tuned...

Rare Flix: Nude on the Moon

What silly thing can I say that tops this title? 

 I mean, the name says it all- Nude on the Moon.  

What do you think it's about?  

Do you think it's an insightful look at post-modern America's obsession with vanity?  

Do you think it's a satire about American Imperialism during the 'Space Race?'  

Do you think it's a film about topless women?  

If you guessed the last one, you'd be right.  If you guessed the other two, you really need to re-read that title!  A little back-story, if you'll indulge me.  The idea of Nudist Camps became big in the late-50s to early-60s.  It didn't last long, but that didn't stop a slew of people from making films about the topic?  Aside from the many 'Nudie-Cutie' films by Wishman and others, there's the pair of Nudist Camp Horror Films I reviewed a while back. 

 In an attempt to combine America's current obsession- Nudist Camps- with current events- the Space Race- Doris Wishman came up with the idea of this movie.  It's silly.  

Incidentally, check out a documentary on the Drive-In craze, which features interviews with Wishman and others.  Thanks to that I realize that the man credited as Director is actually Doris, a marketing move designed to not scare off sexist viewers.  

Get out your...well, nothing because we're going to be...

The film begins with a fun, animated opening sequence.  

This joy is dampened a bit by a slow, plodding First Act.  Basically, an older scientist and a younger one work on a rocket ship to take them to the Moon.  

Suck it, Sputnik!  This part of the film really drags, as it mostly consists of the older guy telling the younger guy that he needs to get married.  The young guy says that his work is more important.  Lather, rinse and repeat about six more times in the first twenty minutes.  

Conflict comes in as the young guy's daughter works with them and has a thing for the younger guy, but he won't pay her any mind.  

Skipping ahead a bit, the men finally build a rocket and go to the Moon via some model and stock footage.  What they find is not what you would expect...

The Moon is apparently full of topless woman, stone buildings and flora.  

Gee, it looks a lot like Florida (Coral Castle, to be exact).  It's amazingly bright out there too.  The women are also very friendly, as you can see.

The film pretty much stops the entire narrative once the women discover the men, pretty much spending the next 20-30 minutes showing them wandering around and/or posing.  

Given the subject matter, it's not all bad.

I should also mention that the women and men have those weird headbands on.  

The purpose: they allow them to communicate telepathically.  

Hey, that's a cheap way to save on your audio work!

Finally, the men have to head back home- although the young guy doesn't want to.  

He's a bit mopey at work when the young woman from earlier walks in.  

Staring at her, he suddenly picture her as one of the topless women from the Moon.  

This apparently makes him fall in love with her.  

Yeah, there's nothing like an hallucination to drive love.  The End.

Plots are overrated!  

The film barely has any plot, but what it does have is alright.  It breaks no new ground, but doesn't try to be.  Way to aim for the middle, guys!  

Seriously though, these kind of films never tried to do too much.  They were meant to be fun pieces of fluff that you forgot within minutes of seeing them.  

This is one of those movies.  

It would be nice to see more depths in films like these, but I'm probably asking too much, huh?  You know, it is a film about a Nudist Camp film set on the Moon.  

If you haven't seen this movie, it's worth a look.  Obviously, a lot of people will not care about it though.  It is also the title of a great Anthology CD too.  Feel free to check that out too.  

The bottom line: if you see one film about topless women on the Moon, make it this!

Next up, I review a film for Instant Trash that has a hilarious premise.  It can't possibly disappoint, right?  Stay tuned...

Fake-umentary: Mondo Cane

Can a film live up to nearly 50 years of controversy?  This is the question posed by today's film: Mondo Cane.  Released in 1962, this film made the Mondo Genre, for better or for worse.  Without this film, we wouldn't have such 'classics' as Mondo Bizarro, Mondo Freudo or Mondo Magic.  Hell, we wouldn't have Good-Bye, Uncle Tom either!  Can you imagine living in a world without a fake, fake documentary about how slaves were treated in the Antabellum South?  I thought not.  So what is a Mondo film?  A Mondo film is a documentary designed to shock- at least, that's the original concept.  What the Mondo film came to represent, however, was a film that presented its message in whatever means were considered necessary.  This came in large part due to Mondo Cane 2 and it's infamous 'Buddhist Monk' scene, but I'll get to that in a later review.  So what is Mondo Cane- which translates to 'A Dog's World'- about?  It's basically about the world and how weird it is.  That actually sums it up quite well.  Prepare to clean up the sidewalk as we enter this...

* One of the most infamous films of all time begins with...a story about people trying to be the next Rudolph Valentino.  Wow- that's random and innocuous.  On the plus side, you have nowhere to go but up!
* We see that dogs are treated badly in one way or another in different parts of the world.  Look- you just made PETA cry.
* We learn that African people kill animals for food.  Well, that and this...

* The movie actually seems to have a real 'hard-on' for animals as we see bulls fighting and being killed.  This is life before the Discovery Channel, people!
* Speaking of animals, we see a place in China that eats snakes.  I hope you like on-screen animal killing!  Note how the one shot where a guy should be 'eating the snake,' but does nothing but eat around it (see below).  Also take note of the random rant about how the Chinese are always eating- odd.
* Somewhere else, fishermen kill sharks, but also get horribly-maimed in the process.  It's like a reunion with the cast of Freaks!  To get back at the sharks, they wound them, stuff Sea Urchins in their mouths and release them.  That's...very convoluted, but cruel...assuming that this is at all accurate.
* A long segment is about the island of Galapagos where, allegedly, the fallout of nuclear bomb testing has made animals do the opposite of their nature.  Fish flee towards the land and birds won't land, etc.  We see a turtle crawling away from the Ocean, only to end up as a skeleton.  As some have noted, the turtle somehow ended up on its back...off-camera.  Hmm...

* It's not all animal death, however, as we see a town where people do a ritual involving beating up their legs.  No, I don't really know why.
* We see women who drive past Naval ships while wearing bikinis.  Was this a necessary fact to learn?
* We also see African tribesmen in their native land and, later, facing up against modern life.  I guess this is supposed to be interesting.  Mostly though, I just keep thinking about that turtle...

Is this the real life or is this just fantasy?  This movie really has no plot, so there's no point in trying to summarize.  Basically, it is all about how place in other parts of the world are weird.  There's no message other than that, so don't go looking for one.  Much like Faces of Death, it only tries to throw in a bit of morality when it feels like it (i.e. the 'evil of Kosher' rant).  Speaking of that movie, it- alongside stuff like Good-Bye, Uncle Tom and others- kind of killed most of the 'shock factor' for this film.  Mind you, a lot of that is killed by some of the obviously-staged bits (i.e. the bit where 'Rudolph' is mobbed conveniently on-camera by women) and the confusing tone of it.  The movie jumps from animals being killed to people doing weird stuff.  If you were going to make a film subject, pick one!  This movie is just too erratic for my liking, spending only a few minutes on any subject before jumping awkwardly to the next.  Incidentally, the title has jack-shit to do with the actual film.  What was the point of it?  Obviously, it is best to try and look at this movie objectively.  If I were alive in 1962 and hadn't seen the world, would this movie have shocked me?  Hell yes.  As a modern viewer who's seen some of the more infamous Video Nasty films of all-time, does this shock me?  No.  It's not bad by any stretch of the imagination, but so much of it's shock value is simply gone thanks to Cable News and the Internet.

Up next, Rare Flix brings us a Doris Wishman film whose title says it all.  Are people nude and on the moon?  Yes and, well, yes.  Stay tuned...
                                

Lost in Translation: The Conversation

On the list of under-appreciated and overlooked films, one film is always there: The Conversation.  Let's see how it was marketed in Asia though...

Um, some guys are getting pulled into The Time Tunnel, while Gene Hackman holds up a Ping Pong Paddle and some guy is on a roof?  It's just so randomly-put together!

Up next, a famous film about loss, love and Venice gets the LiT treatment.  How can you make a film about a killer midget weirder- they found a way!  Stay tuned...

Love in Japan: Legend of the Doll

Japan has to turn everything weird, so why not a love story?  In this case, that story is Mannequin.  It could be worse- it could be Mannequin 2: On The Move!  So how does the Japanese version of a joke of an '80s comedy film turn out.  Well, it's less creepy and much more maudlin.  Yeah, I was surprised too!  The film takes itself very seriously too, which is very odd when you consider the plot.  It's very curious, so let's just jump right in.  Get out your fake storybook as we look at the ...

The movie begins with a young man going to a store to pick up a doll.  I'm enthralled already.  As if you didn't know that the film was cheap, they do that little 'P.O.V.' in a public square cliche.  On the plus side, they don't set off a bomb in it like Yo-Yo Girl Cop!  The guy gets the doll, but runs across some bullies picking on a young boy.  For a gang of twenty-somethings, you aim for very young victims!  He pretends to call the cops and they immediately flee, but take his doll in the process.  He is a bit depressed and stumbles across a shop that sells other dolls and gets one left for him by a mysterious woman.  This is a plot point that becomes painfully-obvious by the end, but the producers still treat it like The Sixth Sense!  He paints the doll in a long, over-done montage and goes to sleep.  He wakes up the next morning to a strange sight- a woman!  It takes him a while to get over the shock, but I'm more interested in the lady.  In fact, the Director is to, making sure to shoot her from almost every possible angle.

The guy eventually gets used to the doll, convincing her to act a bit more human.  Since this is a kitschy love story, he doesn't go for what you think he would either.  They really are crazy in Japan!  We learn some of his maudlin back-story, but it's more of just a hint.  He had a girlfriend at one point, but something happened to her.  There's only about four plot points in the film, so they have to drag them out!  He goes to work with his goofy friend, leading to what I actually find to be the oddest moment.  It cuts to them sitting at a park bench and clicking on counters when something (they don't show it) goes by.  What the hell kind of job is that?!?  Anyway, the guy goes back home to his girlfriend/doll and she is learning to be more human.  She spent all day watching TV, so she picked up the language.  That night, we get a really odd scene as the woman/doll goes over to the other dolls- who are not transformed- and has a conversation.  There really is something in those mushrooms they eat!  In the grand scheme of things, however, this doesn't really matter.  Instead, it's just more sappy romance...until she is discovered.

The friend eventually discovers the woman/doll when he comes over to drop off his Cosplay costumes- weird.  He accepts the whole situation eventually, but not before doing a silly, comedic double-take or two.  All is going well between the happy couple, but some past problem is still looming overhead.  What is it?  Apparently the girlfriend died six years earlier- despite them looking the same age in the flashback scenes- when she was en route to his apartment to celebrate his birthday with him before leaving for College.  Skipping past a PG-rated costume montage, we get the build-up to the guy's birthday arriving.  This is when things get even weirder.  They start to have sex (kind of) only for the shots to constantly switch from showing the two of them together to showing him and the dead girlfriend.  In a cop-out of sorts, all of the nudity (what little there is, mind you) comes from the girlfriend, not the model.  I guess she didn't sign that release!  After a bit of that, the doll disappears after he gets 'closure' with the ghost girlfriend.  He goes to the store where he got the doll, only to find out that it's been closed for *gasp* six years.  Big shock- the girlfriend bought the doll.  After losing everything yet again, our hero leaves 'happy.'  Odd.

She's no Barbie girl!  The plot of this movie is just plain weird, setting up one unexplained event with another one.  Logic doesn't work that way!  I'm still not clear how the doll came to life or how the ghost of the girlfriend had a thing to do with it.  I guess people in the country that shows Sailor Moon, Yu-Yu Hakashu and Paniponi Dash, people don't question stuff like this.  This movie is one of those ones that you question how it even got released here, since it is so nationalized and weird.  Some stuff countries seem to want to market here- i.e. Godzilla: Final Wars- but other films don't feel that way- i.e. Star Wreck.  What is the audience for this movie?  It's a sappy, romance tale, so it's nothing like the goofy, action stuff they usually promote.  However, the romantic stuff is built around the premise of an animated figurine coming to life!  If that's not mixed-marketing, I don't know what is!  Ultimately though, it is a good Valentine's Day film for those like-minded.  It's innocent- save for the one scene near the end- and all about how love affects us.  It's sappy as hell, though, so you definitely need to be in the right mood for it.  You'll have to wait for your turn next year, Living Doll!

Up next, I finally cover one of the most infamous films in the Mondo Genre.  It's also the first one, so let's see how it stacks up to those that would come later.  Stay tuned...

VHS For The Win: The Best of Sex and Violence

Valentine's Day is a holiday about love and showing love to others.  I guess it's only the perfect time to bring out this gem then...

Apparently, the film involves an anorexic women being attacked by a militant Fozzy the Bear.  I can't say that I've seen that before!

Next up, I have some good news and some bad news.  The good news- the zombies left.  The bad news- they just returned!  Stay tuned...