Instant Trash: Death of a Ghost Hunter

Again- what can I say?  This title tells me exactly what is going to happen!  Is it wrong to put SPOILERS on the title of the film itself?!?  This 2007 film was an attempt to cash in on the craze set by the Sci-Fi (pre-name change) Channel.  Yes, emulate the channel whose biggest all-time rating came from Mega-Piranha!  The film stars Patti Tindall, an actress that I know from...well, nothing.  It's Director is Sean Tretta, the man behind...again, nothing I've seen.  All I need to know is that he made The Great American Snuff Film.  Yeah, that says enough.  So, yeah, this film is about a ghost hunter who goes to check out a house and, may or may not, die.  Just note that this film very much pre-dates The Last Exorcism- not that I care about that film either.  Are you ready to feel the pain?  Get out your death box for my review of...

We get some Blair Witch-style introductions explaining how this woman went to the Masterson house in order to make $5k.  She did not live to release this, so what we're seeing is her own footage mixed with her notes.  Translation: you couldn't commit to making this a 'found footage' film, but still want to act like it is.  That's freaking sad!  She talks to people nearby and learns that a family tragedy happened.  They like to be a little vague about it, but only to set-up the stupid resolution.  The lead theory is this: the mother killed everyone and blew her brains out.  Joining the woman on her ghost expedition is a cameraman, a blond woman who has a point to be here later and a reporter who is covering the story.  How sad is your town that your newspaper is sending a reporter to cover shit like this?  The filmmakers waste a lot of time explaining how ghost hunting works.  Thanks for explaining EVP to us, by the way.  It's not like a hit film was made about that or anything!  We got a ton of filler here too.  If you like wandering around, this is your film!

After more wandering around and talking, stuff actually happens.  First, a chair gets slid along the floor by nobody.  Wow, that is interesting...except that you can make that effect with magnets on the chair and a fake floor.  Special effects that a 7th Grade play can do- priceless!  Next, they wander around for a bit more until they hear a ghost talking.  I won't even get into the logistics of how that is supposed to work!  The spirit of the dead girl is visible on the camera- way to upgrade to the higher-end model- but appears to just be her doll in person.  While this is interesting, it leads to nothing much at all.  Tensions rise when the ghost of the mother makes contact with our heroine, causing her to see visions of what we already saw.  Thanks- that was helpful.  This leads her to say that the mother really was the killer, infuriating the blond girl.  After a tussle, she reveals the truth.  She's part of a Christian group who wants to stop them from putting the blame on the family members for the murders.  This causes her to be kicked out, but not before she apparently pisses on the clothes of the reporter.  Thanks- that was necessary!

I'm getting bored just writing about this movie, so I'll make this brief.  The crew wander around some more, after learning that the blond from earlier is a lone, crazy woman.  Speaking of the woman, she's at home with some weird box they found in the closet.  Naturally, she puts it on her head and goes crazy via some more rehashed flashbacks- sure, why not?!?  Back at the house, the group gets split up and killed by an unseen assailant.  The mix of POV and normal film-making is getting really annoying, by the way.  The whole group is down, leading to us seeing the blond woman come to the house, write a note like the mother and shoot herself.  At this point, the narrative stops to explain everything to us.  Do you have to?  Basically, the father was a religious fanatic who would 'scare straight' girls in his own home, while abusing his family.  When he knocks up one 'subject,' the wife turns on him, kills her two kids (thanks, movie) and then herself.  However, the baby delivered from the 'subject' was saved by a cop and raised as, you guessed it, the blond girl.  Following that, they break the narrative some more to set up a confusing ending.  I'd explain it, but I don't care.  The End.

This movie sucks!  I mean, it sucks in every way that you can imagine.  The film's producers couldn't be bothered to make a 'found footage' film, so they made this convoluted mess.  Why did you put narrative captions on the cards if you wanted it to seem real?  By the way, 'real' is not equivalent to long, boring scenes of people talking!  The whole premise is just stupid- a ghost killer, really?!?  I get the reason why you made this movie when you did, but it's still not interesting.  Your super-tiny cast and one location is not cute either.  I can endure movies like this, but I can't really recommend it to others.  Even seeing it for free on my computer made me feel like I was ripped off.  That's time I could have spent whittling or watching paint dry!  I like to see unique premises in horror films, I really do, but make them good and we'll talk!

Next up, we begin 'Dracula Week,' with every film having 'The Count's name in it.  First up, an Asylum film about...Elizabeth Bathorly- no, really.  Stay tuned...

Strange Killers: What Have You Done to Solange?

Giallo is a very interesting sub-genre.  Like teen vampire films or Nudist Camp films, the genre just suddenly got popular, a shit-ton of films were made and- save for some Argento films- then it vanished.  It was like 'I'd love to stay, but I'm bored- bye!'  During the simultaneous high and only point of the genre's existence, some really good films were made.  Not a lot of them, but there were a few that were note-worthy.  One of them is this film- duh.  The film is also notable for being shot by a man named Joe D'amato.  As the only good thing he really ever did, it's notable!  The plot is notable for being full of murder, but also intrigue and serious emotional development.  Will this movie be worth the wait to review it?  Get out your body-storing bathtub for my review of...

The film begins with a couple out in the park.  They're an odd couple (as opposed to THE odd couple), since one of them is an older man (Fabio Testi) and the girl is in High School.  Italy is a fun place, huh?  While they're out, a schoolgirl is attacked by an unseen figure.  Her death is a very violent one, but it's nothing compared to what happens post-mortem.  The killer decides to stab her in her...um, 'Ladybird Johnson.'  Naturally, this upsets the police- due to both her age and the manner of dismemberment.  This leads to an investigation into the school and all of its workers.  Some trouble comes up when they get too close to the student/teacher relationship that Testi is involved in.  This comes as bad news to his wife, who is also a teacher.  Things don't get any better when another girl is killed by the mysterious assailant.  When the truth about the teacher, he becomes a pretty major suspect.  After all, if he was having an affair, maybe he killed the girls to cover it up.  The wife actually takes the news better than you might expect, choosing to put some blame on herself for 'cooling' towards him and not being 'the same person he married.'  Wow, that's very mature- especially for a woman in a Giallo film.  To his credit, he feels bad about it too.  Of course, none of this stops the killings...

Rather than going into a whole lot of detail, but I will give you ample time to skip the SPOILERS if you so choose.  If not, enjoy the wrap-up.

Given the reason I chose this film, you can probably guess who the killer might be in regards to the cast.  Basically, it comes down to this.  The police discover that all of the dead girls were in a 'clique' (without Scott Hall- thank God) that included someone named Solange.  Where was she though?  As it turns out, the clique's big game was engaging in sex parties with an all-boys campus.  The problem- Solange got knocked up.  To cover their tracks, the girls got an older lady to give her an abortion.  The trauma of this event caused her to go into a vegetative state for a while and, ultimately, degrade into a child-like state.  The dad saw a problem with this and went on a killing spree in order to get revenge.  Obviously, the knife in their 'Lady Gagas' was symbolic of what they did to him.  When caught with the truth, the guy doesn't take it well.  A self-inflicted gunshot wound to the head qualifies, right?  The End.

This movie is...actually good.  I don't know what else I can say, really.  The movie is paced well, has an interesting plot and features good acting.  Despite being a work by Joe D'amato, the cinematography is good too.  It doesn't play with camera angles, do all sorts of tricks or anything like that.  It's simple and effective.  Unlike a lot of these films, the characters actually have decent sides to them.  Well, okay, the girls don't really, but the rest do.  The film makes a point about having the main characters try to reconcile their strained marriage, for crying out loud!  It's kind of a cheat to have the 'third wheel' die, I suppose, but it doesn't feel like a cheat.  Now if they'd had her die in an unrelated incident or something, that would be a different story.  There's not a lot of gore here for a Giallo film, but what you get is effective.  Given the victims and post-mortem attacks, it's an understandable choice.  I guess I could complain about how quickly the film wraps up, but I didn't mind it too much.  Despite me spoiling the ending, I still think that you should check this one out.  It's not that hard to find on DVD, so you have no excuse.

Next up, Blockbuster Trash and Strange Killers collides with a horror film cashing in on a Syfy Channel show.  This will either be great or terrible.  Stay tuned...

Strange Killers : The Mother of Tears

How much do I love my parents?  So much that I seek out ridiculous movies to review on the date of their births, of course.  Since my original choices- Ghost Mother and Kiss Daddy Goodbye- didn't pan out, here are these films.  I've not talked much about this movie for a couple of reasons.  For one thing, it's fairly-recent.  At least, in context of the DVD release in America, which took place a good year after its theatrical one in Italy.  Evidently, it is so hard to translate from Italian to American that my web browser can do it in ten seconds.  I also say this while I'm waiting another 12 days for the DVD release of Giallo- a film made in 2009!  Another reason is that this film is really weird, but got a fairly mainstream release via Dimension Extreme.  It's not fun to talk about stuff that everyone has seen!  Now enough time has passed and I needed something to talk about at the last minute, here we are.  This is the final part of the Three Mothers Trilogy, a film 27 years in the making.  Was it worth the wait?  Get out your medieval lesbian killing devices for my review of...

The film begins with a crypt of sorts being taken out of the ground.  Given what I know this movie is about, this can't be good.  A pair of historians (one of whom is Asia Argento) go through the thing, learning that it belonged to a priest from centuries ago.  As night comes, Asia goes off for a small break while her companion runs into some trouble.  Naturally, it all begins with a screeching monkey.  A group of weirdos bust in and kill her, making sure to torture her in a pretty graphic way.  Argento is aping Saw and out-doing them!  This shit is crazy!  They take some stuff from the unearthed box and leave before Asia returns.  She is a bit freaked out by this and seeks solace with her boyfriend.  Unfortunately, peace does not come as visions of her dead mother (played by her real mother Daria Nicolodi) warns her about impending trouble.  Maybe the stories she reads about the Three Mothers may play a part in this.  To the film's credit, they reference Suspiria and Inferno without going 'Look- it's those movies you like!'  The trouble is not just related to our heroine as a rash of violence goes through Rome.  Coincidentally, the thing coincides with a bunch of witches all coming into the city.  This leads to a weird chase scene through an airport involving Asia and some hot, hot goth chicks.  They're the sexy kind of evil!  Her mother's spirit helps her get away, since that makes sense in an Argento film.

As things get worse, Asia tries to find out more about what's going on.  It all relates to- obviously- The Third Mother.  This woman- also known as the Mother of Tears- has lost most of her power and relies upon the witch people to make things work.  It's simple- they create havoc and kill lots of people, while she regains her power.  It all connects to a piece of magical parchment and a blouse that was locked up in the box.  The priest in question locked the thing up to keep her from getting her powers back and dooming the world.  Good job on that, by the way.  She seeks out an expert on the subject (Udo Kier), but ends up getting drugged and given the eye-holders from A Clockwork Orange.  This is Asia Argento, so it probably means that rape is coming.  No, he's actually a good guy, just one that was trying to be thorough about her presence there.  He spouts some exposition before going off to talk with a lady friend.  This 'friend' bashes his head in with an axe Witchfinder General-style, proving that his 'eye potion' security system was not all that effective. Thankfully, our heroine can find safety with a pair of good witches.  By the way, they're lesbians- big shocker.

Things continue to get freakier and freakier.  The Third Mother is close to full power, so she sends her people out to kill the other witches.  They do some mean, mean stuff!  One of them gets their neck broken, but is kept alive to watch her lover get impaled.  She's finally offed via a medieval eye poker- damn!  I should point out that the monkey is here again- I don't know why.  Our heroine tries to find peace at home yet again, only to find her man has turned 'to the dark side.'  She manages to set him on fire, but that doesn't stop him from giving chase.  Seriously, fire should be more a deterrent!  How can he run, the witch from Tooth Fairy run and the Maniac Cop have a car chase (Maniac Cop 3) while on fire?!?  Anyways, she finally works her way down to the lair of The Third Mother.  It's an ugly place that's a mix of a cave, the blood pits from The Descent and the cult lair from Indiana Jones & The Temple of Doom.  You'll note a similar scene with Asia in a pit of goo and the scene from Phenomena with Jennifer Connelly in one.  A bunch of people get tortured, some freaky shit happens and *sigh* the monkey shows up.  In the end, the Mother makes a big speech, but loses her magic shirt & gets impaled by a giant Obelisk.  That's gonna sting.  The End.

This movie is...actually one I like.  There are some really, really graphic parts, but I can deal with them.  There's a certain level of fantasy here, whereas Saw had grimy realism.  I know that a lot of people like that stuff, but not me.  The story is weird, although it's par for the Argento course.  Recall the crazy plot twist and wrap-up from Tenebre?  How about the finale of Inferno?  Hell, Argento made a film where his daughter got raped and had a fake (to my knowledge) psychological condition where she would walk into paintings!  This movie is really weird and makes no qualms about it.  If you like freaky shit, this is certainly your film.  By the way, all of you who think that Argento hasn't done anything good since the late '80s- you can suck it.  I'm not going to defend the whole of The Stendhaal Syndrome (the only Argento film released by Troma), but I've liked other works he's done since.  Do You Like Hitchcock? and his Masters of Horror shorts were very good.  Can we just let that meme go now?

Next up, I celebrate the other birthday with a film I vowed not to review, lest I spoil the ending.  Well, screw that- it's coming!  Stay tuned...

Mondo Dictionary: European Horror Ending

This one has been a long time coming and, quite frankly, I'm amazed that I haven't done this before.  After all, I must have referenced it at least a dozen times so far...

Going back to the '50s and 60s, European horror films gained a bigger audience in America.  When we started seeing them, we noticed an interesting trend.  Their movies did not always have happy endings.  In fact, many of them end with everyone dying and the monster/killer winning.  This inspired us...

More American films decided to take this idea as their own, adding bleak endings to their tales.  This trend was met with both success...

* Jeepers Creepers got a lot of hype and praise for it's shocking ending.

...and disapproval.

* Army of Darkness made people so mad with its bleak ending that a new- illogical one- was shot.

Without those film pioneers who dared to depress us, we wouldn't have famous film endings like Texas Chainsaw Massacre and Count Yorga, Vampire.

Strange Killers: The Tooth Fairy

Really?  Really?  I mean, really?!?  This 2006 horror film alleges to be about the creature of our youth.  Oh boy, I can't wait.  Let's try and find something good here.  It was directed by Chuck Bowman, the man who directed...um, an episode of the Tremors show and the Sheena show.  Okay, that didn't work.  One of the writers was the guy who created The A-Team.  Yeah, he's great and all, but is he really known for horror?  It stars Lochlyn Munro, a character actor who's appeared in White Chicks, The Art of War II and Space Buddies.  Yeah, I've got nothing.  Let's just get right to it then.  Get out your magic mirrors for my review of...

The film begins in the 1940s, because I need more silly flashbacks in my films this week.  By the way, 'the 1940s' covers a period of roughly 3,650 days- you want to be more specific?  Anyways, some kids wander into a house and get attacked by a witch.  One kid escapes, while the other is chopped up with an axe...off-camera.  You can kill a kid, but don't you dare show it!  In the present, we meet a bunch of characters that I don't care about...I mean, that are totally interesting.  A lady and her daughter stop for directions at a gas station.  Next thing you know, the two men working there try to rape her!  It's true- every guy is out to rape you, ladies.  It apparently has something to do with her going to her ex-fiancee's bed and breakfast.  How does that relate?  Well, the men were squatters there until he came and reclaimed the land for himself.  That's a rational reaction- right?  We also meet some random other people, but I don't feel like talking about them.  One of them flexes for the camera, fulfilling the movie's cheesecake quota.  Once that's done, he's killed by the witch.  Very well then.

I won't bother to pretend like this movie has much of a linear plot.  The witch kills a bunch of people.  Other stuff happens, but that's all that's really interesting.  So, what do we get as far as deaths?
* The creature kills both of the rednecks by cutting off their 'Third Leg of Bruce Lee.'  What a tiny, but traumatic injury!
* A hippie woman is killed.  Apparently, waving a dreamcatcher at the killer doesn't work- unless you're in Dreamcatcher!
* A guy who's a cross between Josh Brolin and CM Punk gets killed before he can make whoopie.  Thanks to bad writing, he mistakes comments made by a person in the other room as being from a person that's right on top of him.

Have you ever wanted to see a film crap all over itself and kill any fear it's established?  Well, you're in luck.  Thanks to talking to her ghost friend- after all those Fulci films, I accept anything- our young heroine figures out how to stop the creature.  When it comes for her, she busts out a big mirror and scares it off.  I'm sure that there's a reason for this, but- you guessed it- I don't care.  The vicious killer gets chased out of the house by our heroes before the lead guy sets her on fire.  This bothers the witch so much that she...continues to chase.  The girl takes her magic box- it has teeth in it, I guess- and uses it to summon the spirits of the kids she killed.  The witch flies into the air and explodes.  The End.

This movie sucks.  It has no real plot to speak, no interesting characters and no idea what the word 'pacing' means.  The movie spends so much time establishing all of the characters and locations that it loses all momentum.  The whole point of a 'pre-credits' kill is to build up some momentum.  They don't.  Instead, they meander around for a bit with some unrelated stuff that ultimately amounts to very little.  Those redneck guys. They get one more major scene, get their asses kicked and then die.  Clearly the whole movie would have fallen apart without you!  The killer is kind of interesting, but I didn't really buy into it.  It never becomes an iconic character or really does that much.  I've seen killer weasels murder people- what do you have to offer?  This movie is not the worst I've ever seen or anything- but it's just so underwhelming.  I've seen better and you can too.  Although, it could always be worse...

Next up, I celebrate the two-day window of both my parents' birthdays (yes, really).  That means one thing- an Argento film with 'mother' in the title!  Stay tuned...

Impossibly-Cool Cover Art: Day of the Dolphin

There are silly film premises, goof film premises and then there is this one...

...wow.  I mean, just wow.  What's the logic here?  A dolphin carries a bomb to play off the USS Arizona?

More importantly, how can this film be starring George C. Scott, be written by Buck Henry and directed by Mike Nichols?  How did this happen?

Next up, I've got more Jaws in Japan action.  Yes, there are two of these (at least).  Stay tuned...

Unfriendly Ghost: The Entity

Ghosts can do crazy things.  They can scare us by shaking windows, throw dishes around the room or just amuse Michael J. Fox with their antics.  However, what happens when ghosts get...naughty?  This question was answered in 1982's The Entity, one of many horror films based on novels.  There was a big trend for this in the late '70s and early '80s.  It's no surprise, given the success of films like The Amityville Horror.  Will this be another example of why this trend was a good one or just be another Night of the Lepus?  Get out your giant liquid helium tanks for my review of...

The film begins with a woman coming home and doing all of her errands (i.e. putting the dishes away, etc).  When she settles in for the night, an unseen person attacks her in her room...sexually.  We don't see much, but you can figure out what happens.  When it is over, she screams 'bloody murder,' awaking her kids and sending the teen son running around looking for an assailant.  When nobody can be seen, the woman insists on fleeing the house, but forgets her keys.  When she goes back inside, windows shake and all that.  They end up at a friend's house, a woman who never really asks too many questions.  She gets confused when her friend says that she was raped and then says that 'nobody' attacked her.  After a day away from the house- with no explanation as for the consequences of this- they return home, only for her to be attacked again when she gets there.  It gets even worse as her car is taken over by a ghost, causing her to careen through traffic at break-neck speeds!  She finally is convinced to go see a psychologist (Ron Silver) who explains to her some Freudian mumbo-jumbo.  Basically, he says that it's all in her head due to traumatic past memories coming to the surface.  The argument proves less logical as the film goes on.

Since Silver makes silly jokes, she continues to see him, despite evidence in favor of her.  This comes very clear when she is attacked while taking a bath in her house.  She shows up the next day with bruises and marks all over her extremities.  Naturally, he continues to tell her that it's all in her head.  He explains some bullshit about how people make up stories about dragons and leprechauns to explain their carnal desires.  Yeah, what is your degree in again?  He convenes a meeting with other people in the college's Psychology Department and they are all convinced that she is crazy.  Yes, she totally did those marks on herself.  When she returns home from this, she sets up a nice ice cream treat for the whole family.  Given this cheery set-up, it's only natural that the ghost again rapes her, this time in front of her two young daughters and teenage son.  The boy tries to help her, but gets shoved away several times.  Eventually, it decides to pump him full of lightning before pumping her full of something else.  Before you say that I'm crass, I should point out that there is a bit of dialog where Silver asks the woman if the ghost 'ejaculated in her.'  No, really.  She spends some time with her friend, only for the ghost to smash the living room up mere minutes after the others left.  Now, finally, someone believes her.

As luck- or lazy screen-writing- would have it, the woman runs into some Parapsychologists at a book store. They see evidence of what's happening and decide to make it their main priority.  Meanwhile, Silver tries to talk to her, but she ignores him.  I'd ignore the guy whose advice led to me being raped at least three times too!  The group sets up a bigger study in her house and witnesses the ghost making more lightning, although it's sound and fury signifying nothing.  Happy that the ghost is not powerful anymore, the woman brings the kids back and gets even happier when her constantly-away fiancée returns.  They get ready for a night of 'loving,' only for the man to find the woman naked on the bed being groped by a ghost.  I'd be more freaked out if that wasn't clearly a model of her body!  Silver tries to help her still, continuing to blame her 'psyche' for this.  God, you're dumb.  She agrees to be part of a set-up study by the Parapsychologists which involves her living in a house frame as bait.  However, the ghost takes over their machinery...somehow and tries to kill her by spraying the liquid helium at her.  The tanks explode and Silver saves her, leaving the ghost trapped...for about ten seconds.  It escapes the rear projection effect and haunt our heroine.  The End.  Yes, it ends like that.

This movie is...well, decent.  In concept, it's a really unique film that tackles a subject that many films have shied away from.  In practice, the movie is unevenly-paced and a bit too long.  There are a few too many attacks and way too many 'Silver telling her that she's crazy' scenes.  We get it!  On top of that, there's never really any pay-off to the Silver plot.  We don't get a 'I'm sorry- I was wrong' scene or even a 'This just proves my point scene.'  He saves her and...they don't talk again.  How did the situation get resolved?  According to the film's closing narration, it didn't.  She just moved to Texas and 'to this day' gets attacked on occasion.  She's a bigger target for sexual assault than Ashley Judd!  Given that the ghost angle is never resolved, I have to wonder how she didn't end up in a Sanitarium.  She does still say that she's being raped by a ghost, after all.  That's the problem here- a lack of commitment.  Unlike the Amityville series, they don't resort to just making shit up.  Their awkward mix of 'this is real' and 'this is a film' is their downfall.  If you haven't seen this film, it is visceral and has some intense moments.  It just has a lack of commitment that holds it back from immortality.  By all means, check it out.

Next up, a low-budget horror film about another childhood mainstay.  Will this one be worth a dollar under my pillow or much more?  Stay tuned...

Lost in Translation: The Getaway

Steve McQueen- the epitomy of '70s manliness.  No question.  However, I think he might have been viewed differently if we had gotten this poster instead of the official one...

Apparently The Phantom is in this movie- and he's pissed.  Mind you, if I had a camera shoved right against my eye, I'd be mad too.

Next up, a Godzilla film gets turned into something weirder than...well, Godzilla's Revenge.  Ruh roh.  Stay tuned...

Millenial Trash: Banshee!!!

What can I say?  This 2008 horror film was directed by Colin Theys, a man who has pretty much done nothing of it before this film.  He apparently started out as a Visual F/X Designer for such films as Assault of the Sasquatch and Werewolf: The Devil's Hound.  Yeah, I've got nothing.  How about the premise?  Well, a group of 'college kids' go out to the woods and get attacked by a monster.  I'm sorry, but am I talking about this film or 600 other films made since 1995?  The gimmick here is that the Banshee can make people see things it wants them to.  Translation: you save on your CG budget by having your actors double as the monster.  Well, as long as we know where we stand here.  Will this rise above the rest or prove why nobody has ever heard of it?  Get out your hand-made cotton balls for my review of...

We begin with a five-minute scene built around the credits.  Remember how annoying it was in The Greenskeeper?  How the scene would stop ever 10-15 seconds to show a different credit?  Yeah, they do that here.  Basically, a bunch of stoners lust after a woman on TV, go out for 'munchies' and, shock of all shocks, she appears.  When the radio gets played loud, the image flashes for a second, leading to the monster killing them.  After that nonsense, we meet our cast, a septuplet of 'students.'  For some reason, the men drove in one car and the women drove up in another.  The group includes a hot blond (love you), a nerdy girl, an ethnic girl, two jock guys, a black guy and a nerdy guy.  Don't get too attached- they don't stay long.  In addition to that, we get a B-Plot involving some salvage workers uncovering the car from before and finding...a clutch of banshee eggs.  They don't ever explain this, so infer for yourself, I guess.  The man's dog licks this...which doesn't amount to anything.  In addition to that addition, we get the other pair of 'teens' who got there first, but decided to go have sex instead.  After a 'we're hiking' montage, one of the group gets separated and killed by a POV monster.  The group meets him, but things seem awry.  When he chucks a stick through one of the guy's heads, it just confirms it.

By the twenty-minute mark, most of the cast is dead.  They wander around for a bit until one of them stops in a shack and gets cornered by the beast.  Turning a radio on loudly chases the beast off, so they, of course, don't figure this out.  You'll get to the truth in about another forty-minutes or so, I guess.  After some more 'day for night' action, we get an actual night where they meet one of the salvage guys from before, who is now holed up in his house.  Before they can all get in, one of the other guys gets killed off, trimming the group down to three.  At this point, the narrative gets even more unfocused as we follow random people, people in a bar and a policewoman.  Why shoot one movie when you can shoot four?!?  In the bar plot, we learn that one old man is the brother of one of the stoners who was killed in our intro from 1970.  This sub-plot goes somewhere, before crashing to a sudden halt.  The police woman stops two drunks from arguing, before stopping for several drinks.  Oh yeah, she goes to work right after that.  She's also around to set up a plot hole.  In a 'cut-away gag,' we learn that the lusty brunette had the same car that our ladies had.  If that's the case, where did it go?  I suppose I should also mention how the Banshee goes into town to kill people, followed by going back to the house to scare our heroes.

Just to show how unfocused it is, we see the death of the salvage worker's wife and the arrival of his nephew- in a flashback.  Yes, because it would have been too hard to just show that normally!  In the house, tensions rise as the black guy lusts after the hot blond, but gets denied.  Dude, you've been getting denied since you were 12- learn to accept it.  In an obvious moment, the Banshee takes the girl's form and kills him.  By the way, it got in how again?  In more randomness, the Banshee goes into town and kills a mechanic, while in the form of a 'Forest Scout.'  So nice of you to get your niece a part, Mr. Theys.  The monster wreaks more havoc as it kills some cops, who were designed to be the film's saviors.  One of them even gets their head blown up Scanners-style.  As for the stoner's brother, he faces down the monster, grabs a gun and...kills himself.  Ugh.  Since this is a fairly-recent film, I'll leave this one spoiler free.

*

*

*

...they all die.  The End.

This movie sucks, pure and simple.  Where do I begin with this crap?  The story is a joke, jumping from place to place with no rhyme or reason.  The characters are one-note, save for the black guy who has two of them- creepy and unfunny.  The pacing is odd, as we get major violence early on and then nothing of note for quite awhile.  Speaking of which, let's address the couple that did nothing.  They went off to have sex and vanished from the film for over half an hour.  When we finally cut back to them, they get killed by the monster.  What was their point?  What was the point of the mechanic?  Did the cops add anything to the film, save for their death scenes?  So much of this movie is pointless.  When you look at the cast, you'll see that many of them did other stuff in the film as well.  For example, the film's F/X Director is also the man who plays the salvage worker.  Doing that just proves to what kind of film I'm dealing with.  I will give the film credit for a unique villain idea, but no points for the execution.  It's just a lazy excuse to get around their cheap F/X.  If you have to see every low-budget monster film that didn't make it onto the Syfy Channel, check this out.  If you like good movies, look elsewhere.

Up next, a film that's been talked about for as long as I've run this site finally gets a review.  What other film can you think of that involves molestation, a ghost and the bad guy from Timecop?  Stay tuned...

VHS For The Win: Nightmare Sisters

After all of these VHS For The Win segments, I know what to expect.  Ghosts, boobs and some sort of elemental effect (be it fire, etc).  Guess what this one has...

So three topless 'sisters' consult a crystal ball, only to turn out that it's one of those static balls?  Apparently, the ghost of that lady from Drag Me To Hell is there too...I guess.

Up next, you will learn that the most evil thing in the world is a white sheet.  Ooohhh!!!  Stay tuned...

International Millenial Trash: Plankton

Given that the theme of this week is Weird Monsters, it's only fitting that the first film is from Italy.  This is the same country that brought us post-apocalyptic killer rats, zombies that throw railroad spikes through people's hands and a film where people get molested by Nazi ghosts.  Unlike those films I just mentioned, this one was not made in the 1980s.  However, it does still look like it was.  Bad production values or intentional joke- you decide!  One thing that's great about this movie is the fact that they are clearly trying to hide the fact that it's foreign.  In fact, the film's lone Special Feature of note is an interview with the Director.  It's done in English, but it's more broken than a Ford Pinto!  Nice try, guys!  The film tells the tale of some 'teens' that end up on a boat where weird experiments were going on.  Apparently, it all relates to killer fish, radioactive plankton and some of the worst CG shots you've ever seen.  They make the obvious CG doubles from Daredevil look like something made by ILM!  Will this film succeed where those other films didn't or just provide more evidence that the Italian Renaissance was a fluke?  Get out your plankton cocaine for my review of...

Oh yeah, I should note that Plankton is one of the film's two different titles.  I guess they looked the more generic title for the actual film.  We get a pre-credits scene showing our heroes (three ladies and two guys) going off in a boat.  They mock one guy for being 'cheeky' and almost leave him behind.  Ha ha- it's funny because he'd be stuck!  After some generic city shots and a title card explaining to us that this is Miami, Florida (yeah, right), we cut to the people out in the ocean.  So the point of that city establishing stuff was what exactly?  Immediately, they are floating adrift because they ran out of gas for their boat's motor.  Why am I getting Open Water 2 flashbacks?  Thankfully my instincts are wrong as they eventually 'stumble' across a yacht floating adrift.  Hey, maybe it's got those two idiots from Open Water 2 on it.  Nope.  Instead, it's pretty much empty, save for signs of previous life on board, some food and, oh yeah, a bio-chemistry lab.  It's full of fish, samples of stuff and giant microscopes.  In one unintentionally funny bit, the guy recognizes a giant electron microscope because he 'studied Biology in College.'  The next line comes from one of the women: 'That's a refrigerator.'  Yes, you must have 'studied Cooking in College.'  Sadly, that line doesn't make it into the movie.  Anyways, when they find nobody around, they decide to get drunk and eat all of the food.  During all of this, a POV shot monster wanders around, but does nothing.

Eventually, the people figure out that some weird shit was going on.  Gee, could it be related to all of the POV death shown before you arrived or maybe, just maybe, the dead body that floated towards your boat earlier?  I dunno!  Our hero- who looks like an Italian Andy Samberg- figures out that the people were doing weird experiments on fish.  This becomes pretty clear when a badly-inserted shot of a fish attacks the group.  Oh my God, my Big-Mouthed Bass has got Rabies!  If you ever wanted to see a fight scene that looked like a broken Wii game, this is your movie!  After battling the non-real fish, our hero tends to his fiancee's neck wound.  Gee, this won't come back to haunt you later.  Immediately following this, the man has an heroic freak-out when he realizes the obvious truth about the creatures on-board.  This results in him smashing the the numerous glass contrainers holding the samples.  It's eerily reminiscent of the 'this is your brain on drugs' commercial.  Take note of how he nearly maims his male friend during this whole thing too.  As Stewie once said 'Yeah, that was a reasonable reaction to that.'  As we learn, part of the rage came from the fact that his lady is pregnant.  You're not going where I think you're going, are you film?  While one of the generic blonds goes to sleep, the other goes off to see the jerk guy and have sex with him.  Unfortunately for her, he turns into a fish monster in mid-coitus due to inhaling some 'plankton cocaine' earlier.  It's pretty much what it is.  Oh yeah, that POV monster continues to wander around and do nothing.

Our dumb-ass heroes actually manage to be fooled for a bit by the man.  Yes, he turned human for like three seconds, so you must have just imagined seeing a giant fish monster!  He attacks the fiancee via a tentacle coming up through the sink...somehow before he's stopped.  When he's revealed fully, our heroes flee with the blond.  However, she begins to mutate due to being infected via her 'Lady GaGa.'  Grabbing the non-descript scientist- who was so important that I forgot to even mention him earlier- the trio run away.  However, our hero stops to light a bunch of fires in the bottom of the boat to kill everything on board.  It's there that he meets a humanoid fish monster...that is not really explained.  It's also a very obvious claymation double filling in for a CG creation.  Dario Argento introduced CG into Italian cinema with 1994's The Stendhaal Syndrome, but I guess you were too cheap to use it in 2000.  He manages to get away- since they had no budget for them actually fighting- and they flee for their lives.  Unfortunately, the humanoid monster got ahead of them...somehow, so the scientist sacrifices his life to slow it down.  As they near the exit, the fiancee stops, explaining that she is infected from the bite earlier.  Rather than hurting him, she takes the spear gun and 'Bangkok Dangerous'' herself.  Our saddened hero flees into the water and swims away, only to be killed by the POV monster.  That's why you were here, huh?

This movie sucks- big surprise!  The story is silly, barely finding time to explain itself along the way.  Even if it did, I don't care about these characters in the sligthest.  They try a little bit, but it's not enough.  As far as the action goes, there is very little.  After some early POV stuff, we pretty much get nothing until the fish scene.  I guess the weird hallucinations are supposed to suffice, huh?  What litle we get looks, well, terrible.  The way they stuck in the fish for the 'fight' scene really does look like some of the early demos of people playing Wii games where they fend off ninjas or something.  The rest of it is model and claymation work.  That was acceptable in Deadly Spawn, but that was made over a decade earlier!  The biggest problem is related to the low production values and just overall cheap look of the film.  Given that, I'm never sure if the look is meant to be ironic a la Grindhouse or is just that shitty.  If this review ever makes it to the director, be sure to let me know.  Can I recommend this film?  To the most hardcore of goofy horror/monster films, yes.  To any self-respecting moviegoer, no.  It had potential, but really failed to reach it.

Up next, a recent horror film delves into Hammer territory with a tale involving a Banshee.  Will the exclamation points in the title prove to be ironic?  Stay tuned...

Rare Flix: The Monster at Camp Sunshine

You know, I really hate and really like Something Weird Video.  On one hand, they have a library of films that appeal to my ridiculous ass in theory, but so many of them just suck.  A porn version of Little Shop of Horrors, you say?  I'd pay to see that and I'm sure that...it's boring as shit and just painful to watch.  A religious propaganda film in which a man turns into a turkey monster that drinks druggies' blood, huh?  There's no way that the film could be...boring as well and even more painful.  I suppose you probably figured it out already, but this double-feature DVD review comes courtesy of Something Weird Video.  Again, I love that they have films like The Sex Lives of the Three Musketeers preserved, but I really don't need to see it.  Same goes for porn versions of the Tarzan films.  In this case, I'm talking about the second film in the Nudist Camp Horror set- The Monster at Camp Sunshine.  Unlike the previous film, this movie is an even bigger excuse to show nudity.  However, it has even more strikes against it.  For one thing, it's a 'Theme Comedy.'  Those are films like Forbidden Zone or the ____ Movie films.  This one was apparently-designed to be like a silent film.  Why?  Who the hell knows?!?  All it serves is to further annoy me and waste my time.  Is there something to salvage here?  Get out your stock footage collection for my review of...

Unlike Beast, this movie does not rush to get to the nudist camp.  Instead, it spends the first twenty minutes telling the tales of some models and some scientists.  These two plots will eventually coincide...eventually.  In the meantime, one of the models has an issue with taking her clothes off for the camera.  I wonder what could help you get over this problem?  In the other plot, we learn that some scientists have been making some sort of drug.  Feh.  I don't really care about this shit, so let's just move on to what matters...

Naked people!  The movie finally gets to it's gimmick and...does nothing with it.  The combination of this movie being in black & white, having no dialog (instead- it's just title cards) and silly music makes everything seem so bland.  Basically, the women walk around naked and...that's it.  I hope you like this for three to five minutes straight.  On second thought, this movie could be worse.  I just wish that I had more to talk about here...

Right around the hour mark, we finally get a monster.  Basically, it's the fat grounds keeper at the nudist camp. He drinks some water from a lake where the formula made by the scientists got dumped.  It's all silly and makes no sense.  After watching a woman disrobe, he...steps in a bear trap and runs off.  You suck!  Eventually he confronts the group, causing them to flee and call the authorities.  In a really forced bit, the cops speed to the scene as soon as they learn that the danger is at a Nudist Camp.  Too obvious, guys.  They attack the monster with...a truck-load of stock footage.  They throw in WWII footage, police charging and knights on horseback!  This is ridiculous!  The monster is finally killed and the movie mourns him with a title card...and goes back to five minutes of nudity.  Way to keep focused, guys!

This movie sucks for a lot of reasons.  For one thing, the movie is just boring, taking its sweet time to get to the damn point.  Imagine a haunted house film that takes 1/3 of it's runtime to even get to the building and you can see the problem here.  Secondly, the lack of dialog and real music makes it even more boring.  The silent film music and title cards is not as funny as you think, guys!  I wish that you could have at least given me some real talking to make fun of!  To top it all off, this movie is British, making it all the worse that this movie is terrible.  You guys made Masterpiece Theater!  You shouldn't be the worst of the two Nudist Camp Horror Films!  Mind you, being the best Nudist Camp Horror Film is still like being the guy who can wiggle his big toe at Cripple Camp.  It sure is a crying shame that this genre died out, huh?

Up next, I begin my Week of checking some of the most esoteric film monsters ever.  First up, a film about radioactive plankton.  Stay tuned...

Rare Flix: Barry Mahon's The Beast the Killed Women (1965)

After the tease I gave and the vague title of the film, I bet you're wondering what is going on.  Well, I'll lay it out for you.  In the 1960s, there was a fringe genre known as the 'Nudey Cutey.'  Basically, these films were about excuses to show, well, naked women.  One of it's biggest proponents was Doris Wishman, a great exploitation director and the woman behind Deadly Weapons.  This led into the further fringe sub-genre of the Nudist Camp films.  Yes, Doris made about half a dozen of those.  This led to an even further fringe sub-sub-genre known as the Nudist Camp Horror films.  Yes, these are real.  As to how many of them there really are, I can't say.  I can, however, tell you that there are at least two of them.  Join me now in this two-part look at a fringe off-shoot of a fringe genre.  First up is an American film that is more Nudist Camp than Horror, but it tries.  Aside from curiosity value though, is it actually good?  Get out your high-hanging towels for my review of...

The film jumps right to the point- let's go to the Nudist Camp.  There is a little set-up, but not all that much.  It's pretty much fluff, people.  Case in point: an early scene has two women trying to reach a towel that is placed high up on a wall...for some reason.  This requires them to jump up and down for a couple of minutes. Inspiration for The Man Show, eh?  In addition to that, many scenes involve naked people just randomly walking by.  

One scene actually pretends to have ancillary dialog taking place between two women in a clearing while people just walk through the scene.  I do also feel the need to note that this film does not feature full-frontal nudity.  I'm happy about that, but a little confused.  What's the point of making a film about people being naked if you're going to self-censor?  

In regards to the actual plot, that involves a man in the hospital explaining how everything- including his stay there- came about.  Never mind that his character was nowhere near most of the events when they actually occurred or anything...

* Come for the shots of Nature.  Also butts. *

The actual horror aspect comes from an escaped and angry gorilla.  No, really.  You were expecting Dracula or something?  He chases a few people around and eventually attacks our hero.  Despite someone being killed the first night, everyone stays at the camp.  I guess taking off all of your clothes means that you turn your brain off as well!  

This is just an excuse to show more nudity- big surprise- as women sit around either topless or fully-naked to discuss the situation.  At one point, two women talk to each other while in bunk beds, making sure to have the covers pulled down past their breasts.  Yes, prioritize ladies! 

 Right around the halfway mark, our narrator is attacked and sent to the hospital.  Oh good, you're 'here's how everything happened' tale doesn't actually wrap up the story!

Eventually, the police finally decide to get a bit proactive.  They set a trap for the ape using- what else- a woman as bait.  

At this point, I feel like I should note that the cops never interact with the nudists at all.  When people talk to them, they're always clothed.  Did you guys film a killer ape film without informing those actors what the rest of your film was about? 

 Anyways, after the woman cries 'bloody murder,' the police arrive with a nice, delayed reaction.  'Oh right,' they must have thought, 'we were sitting here with guns drawn for a reason!'  They kill the ape, signifying that all is right with the world.  Cue the nudists sitting in a field!  

Oh right, we still have to wrap up a B-Plot that nobody cared about.  The police go talk to the owner of the ape and arrest her.  Thanks- I needed to know that part.  The End.

*The threat is over.  Resume nudity!*

This movie kind of sucks.  On one hand, it is a silly and harmless romp with a bunch of nudists.  Although the movie barely moves its plot along, I can't get too mad at that.  However, it's attempts to be a horror film fall flat on its face.  There's more terror in your average episode of I Spy!  I have to wonder if this was just an excuse to put all of this nudity in for no reason.  Oh wait, I don't really need to wonder!  As a horror film or even a thriller, it's just terrible.  Given the odd combination of genres, something really unique and crazy could have come about.  Instead- we get a Nudist Camp film where an ape runs around for a while between scenes.  In case you question this film's motive, one three minute scene involves people talking off-screen while a woman is filmed at chest level (while covering her nether regions with a towel)!  Is she talking?  It doesn't appear so.  No, they just wanted to show breasts for a few minutes with no distractions from the plot!  Ugh.

Up next, the second part of this double-feature arrives in...black and white.  This film is British, so I'm sure that it will be much classier.  Stay tuned...