Fun With Fulci: Zombi 3

After the debacle of Sodoma's Ghost and it's non-ending, we have nothing to look forward to but positive improvements. Well, unless you consider that this movie was only half-directed by Fulci. I'll explain in my review of...

Zombi 3

First off, for those of you without the intimate knowledge of Italian film history, a bit of history. When Romero's Dawn of the Dead was released in Europe, it was called Zombi. So when Fulci made the iconic Zombie Flesh Eaters, it was retitled as Zombi 2. Why? Good question. Maybe it had something to do with famous Italian director Dario Argento producing (read: funding) Romero's film. This set continuity on its ear just in time for Fulci's follow-up film. That is how we got Zombi 3. Pencils down, class.

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Incidentally, this film is not really a sequel in any way. It is just another zombie film.

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The film proper begins at a government lab where scientists are making a bio-weapon. This never leads anywhere bad in film. A bunch of rebels attack...just because they feel like it and someone steals the canister of disease. He makes a run for it into the jungle, but is shot and killed. The object is pierced as well and the toxin floats into the air. Good thing the island is empty and free of people otherwise.

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As it turns out, the island is a tourist destination and is full of people. I'll spare you the character back-story- as minimal as it is- and just tell you that a bunch of random people end up together. They continually get attacked by zombies and their numbers slowly whittle down. There is some creativity in the zombie attacks, including zombie birds and zombies that attack in water. Considering that this claims to the third film in a series though, I expected more. Another problem comes up as well.

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As explained in the DVD's Special Features, Fulci had made what the studio called a 'good 45-minute zombie film,' before departing over creative issues. They called in a new director to help fill it all in. He did not have most of the original cast though, so he had to improvise. What he created is a subplot involving the government sending in a 'cleaning crew' to wipe up the mess. These men run around in white Hazmat suits and wield flame-throwers. Every once in a while, they pop in between zombie scenes or exposition. To say that they feel artificial is an under-statement. Would I rather watch a short film about zombies instead? I don't know.

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The most iconic part of the film is the other subplot involving the island's radio DJ. He decides to hole up in his tower and continue to report on the spreading plague. His role turns out to be entirely for exposition throughout the film up until the end. As the remaining heroes make their escape, his tone changes to that of embracing the zombie plague. A slow twisting shot reveals that he has transformed. That or he covered his face in pie. How he managed to keep doing his job while zombified is one science's wonders...or lazy screenwriting.

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This is a decently-entertaining movie, but lacks the imagery of Zombi 2 and the obvious social message of Zombi/Dawn. The intrusion of a second and third plot hurt the movie a little. I do applaud the creativity of how they filled in a movie without most of the cast though. Just don't do it again. I have seen both Monster A-Go-Go and They Saved Hitler's Brain, so, you can trust me when I say that it just does not work. If you like the genre, you may be forgiving. It will certainly not convert anyone though.

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A little more Fulci to go. The next film addresses a problem that, frankly, nobody ever thought about. Stay tuned...

Fun With Fulci: Sodoma's Ghost

I've already given you a little background of the Godfather of Gore in the last segment, so let's jump right into the review of...

Way back in the 1940s, a bunch of Nazis have camped out in a French farmhouse for a nice night of sex and drugs. See, those guys were not all bad. In the midst of their orgy,- which was being filmed with a giant, awkward camera- the whole place is bombed into the stone age. End of movie? No, it is only the beginning...

A bunch of young students go out in the French countryside for a day of fun. You know what I mean. After a bit of bickering, they end up at the same farmhouse. Conveniently, the key is still under the mat and they go inside. When they discover food and booze, they decide to stay the night. Meanwhile, they continue to not get along all that well.

They attempt to leave in the morning, but find that their car doesn't work. The group ends up staying the day, beginning to see some weird stuff in the meantime. Oh yeah, they still don't get a long. One of the guys likes to drink in excess, one girl likes the idiot and another girl likes the girl who likes the idiot. How will they resolve this? When will someone just die already?!? Oh, there we go.

The majority of the scares and frights in the movie come from generally-weird imagery alone. One of the girls has bloody sex with a Nazi and a guy goes off and plays Russian Roulette in exchange for a chance at some German poon-tang. Smart guy. The amount of nudity in this portion almost makes up for nothing freaking happening! We finally get the dissolving man shown earlier around the hour plus mark. None of this matters because, wait for it, it was all a dream. Or was it? All I know is that the house disappears and all the group survives...even the guy who already died. Thanks for wasting my time, Lucio.

I wanted this movie to be good; I really did. The movie has major promise and simply fails to deliver on it. Much like the Dolph Lundgren film Detention, the film refuses to kill any of its tiny cast. There is good atmosphere at times, but it is ruined by cutting back to the bickering 'teens.' The ending pretty much takes all of the steam out of it as well. If you want real sultry Nazis, check out the Ilsa series or the film with an iconic title S.S. Love Camp. You did better Lucio and I'll show it...eventually.

Next we get another zombie film. Italy made Zombie films?  Stay tuned...

Fun With Fulci: The Black Cat

Lucio Fulci was a very strange man. This Italian auteur was both a dreaming Director and a work-for-hire one. These would sometimes come into conflict, but still his career thrived for over twenty years. Oddly, forgetting to take his insulin- or not wanting to anymore, as some claim- would do this man in during 1996.  He has left behind a legacy of strange shit though. This film is one of those...

Getting the obvious out of the way, this is not an adaptation of the Edgar Allen Poe story. Well, it sort of is, but it isn't. That is the best I can do to explain it, honestly. Just read on and see.

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The film begins with a couple going off to have sex. This just tries to start off in a unique way, huh? They go off into a strange little park building and begin to do the deed. Suddenly, a black cat wanders over and uses leverage to lock them in. Then, I kid you not, it damages the heater, causing hot steam to flow into the room, using up all of their air. The pair suffocate and die. Is that unique enough for you? I haven't seen this level of animal ingenuity since Frogs.

We learn throughout the film a bit about the cat. Obviously, it is no ordinary tabby. It all has something to do with a guy dying and his soul taking over the body of a cat. It would not really help if I even began to explain how this happened or why he was killing people. Fulci movies- as you will learn in the next few days- exist in their own sort of reality where logic has ceased to exist. You simply go along for the ride.

One of the oddest scenes to me involves the reporter character running afoul of the cat. He is walking down the street at night and the film gives us lots of angle shots to show us the animal following him. After properly ratcheting up the suspense, the animal leaps down onto the man and begins to claw at his face. They cut away and the man is found dead. Did he die of those wounds? Is he allergic to scratches? Is he just the weakest man ever and was simply unable to pull the 10lb cat off of him? They never say.

Honestly, as far as fake Poe adaptations, you can do far worse. As much as I joked about the film being weird, it is entertaining. It will never make sense, but it will entertain. As you will see with Fulci, that is not always the case. Check it out if you like weird-ass stuff. Thankfully, Lucio found time between making Zombie films to produce this.

More obscure Fulci on the way. Nazi ghosts, zombie D.J.s and Donald Duck. Stay tuned...

Spanish Huh-ror: The Brainiac

The Spaniards have had a love-hate relationship with us. On one hand, they hate us for stuff we've done (wars, etc). On the other hand, they love to make strange movies that entertain us. Today's film is an example of this. I can say with all honesty that this is one of the most insane concepts I have ever seen. It is...

The Brainiac

No, this is a not a movie about Bill Gates and Steve Jobs fighting monsters. Although, I do want to see that movie. This is actually something even more bizarre and random. To give you an idea, let's jump to 15th Century Spain...

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Our villain is being put on trial for heresy. At least he's adamant about his innocence. Oh wait, he's not. Not only does he brag about being a warlock, but he shows his powers off. After making his chains disappear, he uses his powers to see the identities of his masked judges. Then, for some reason, he allows himself to be killed. It was a good plan up until the end.

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As he dies, a comet is passing by the Earth. I'm sure that will play no part in the story and is just there for effect. Roughly 350 years later, the comet passes by the Earth again. Our villain reappears, achieving what the Hale-Bopp cult failed to. He appears completely normal right now, but that will soon change.

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Realizing what year it is eventually, he begins to track down the descendants of the judges. He wants revenge in the worst way. Arranging a party in the town- they all still live there, I guess- and gets to see them all again. One by one, he kills a good bunch of them. He reveals his true form there and, holy crap, is it weird. As part of his transformation, he pulls people's brains out with his Gene Simmons-esque tongue. What else can I say?

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The movie does fall into the same cliches and conventions of the genre. The men are macho, the women faint and supporting character are ineffectual. You even get the 'lab burning down' scene to boot. The movie has no other tricks than showing you the monster. But, in fairness, what else do you need?

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This movie is highly recommended to any fan of the bizarre and fantastic. It is a one-note movie, but that note is great. I like this movie a lot. Unlike other films with insane premises,- Blood Freak, Monster A-Go-Go- this movie is consistent throughout and, you know, entertaining. Don't piss off a warlock or bad things will happen to you.

The Real Danger of Drugs: Scary Movie 2/Evil Bong

Drug use has always been a part of our society. Horror films have always been a part of our society. See where this is going yet? Oddly, the mix of them has been very minimal as a whole. For the most part, you have gotten drunken idiots running into monsters, from Blood Freak to Freddy vs. Jason. A couple have crossed over this line though for humor's sake. Well, they claim it is humorous.

Scary Movie 2

This Wayans Bros classic (in the TNT sense that any film over 2 years is a classic) features the youngest brother as a stoned loser. Okay, so he's playing himself again? Got it. As part of the parody of Poltergeist, the young man is attacked by a killer plant. But this is no Hickory or Elm. Yeah, it's exactly what you are thinking. A killer pot monster.

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This was only an ancillary monster though. You want a main villain that's drug-related? Okay.

Evil Bong

This movie is by Full Moon Entertainment, the people that brought us Puppet Master vs. the Demonic Toys and Gingerdead Man. If you already have given up on this being good, you are a smart man. This film also stars Tommy Chong, fully completing the joke without even saying anything.

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If you think that this movie cannot go anywhere but up from this crap, you are wrong. Just look at this and this before you feel like correcting me. Even if you want to view on the grounds of 'it is satire, so it does not have to make sense,' this is bad. Come on, Tommy, you can do better.

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Wait, no you can't. Carry on. You know, I did all of this without mentioning the ridiculous blood-sucking turkey from Blood Freak. Aw crap, I just did!

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More insane and ridiculous monsters to come. Stay tuned...

WTF Japan?!?!?: Eko Eko Azarak

Like the sun itself, this series returns yet again. Japan's craziness continues to come to our shores like red tide. This is...

Eko Eko Azarak: The Birth of the Wizard

This is yet another manga adaptation into film. You guys can try a little harder over there, can't you? I'm just saying...

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The film begins with another kid being killed at a High School that is getting a strange reputation. Apparently, five mysterious deaths in one place tends to do that to you. This happens right around the time that a brand new student enrolls. She quickly earns a reputation as a witch, which is questionable at times and obvious at others.

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I should mention that there is a subplot involving a molesting teacher and a bit that leads up to some light sapphic activity. It is nothing like Attack Girls' Swim Team vs. The Undead though, unless you consider how superfluous it is here too. I like to picture this movie's script being put through an assembly line. We have murder, schoolgirls and Satan. What else is missing? Soft-core lesbianism, of course.

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The actual plot involves a bunch of students being forced to retake a test after school. Their teachers goes off and gets killed, leaving them free to misbehave. Their fun is ruined by the realization that an evil force has trapped them inside the school. A number magically appears on the chalkboard that happens to be the number of students left. "Oh my God, we're trapped in a mish-mash of Jack Brooks: Monster Slayer and Detention! Run!" That plan only ends up getting more of them killed. The best laid plans of men...

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After numerous people die, our witch hero finally manages to do some good. Better late than never. She manages to save the day...for those left and leaves the school. So, after being given almost no back-story and having just as much given later, the movie ends. I guess we don't really need to know anything about our protagonist, apparently. The End.

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Basically, this movie plays out like a Japanese version of Buffy with just as much necessary lesbian activity in it. Overall, it's not really that bad. My only big problem with it is that the story is so derivative. I'm not a Japanese film connoisseur, but even I have seen similar plots in Attack Girls' and Yo-Yo Girl Cop, not to mention Stephen Chow's Fight Back to School films to some extent. In addition, the tone is a bit erratic. You get humor at times, pure fright and flat-out gore in others and angst in others. Pick a tone, please. This film has actually spawned two sequels and a prequel- which is labeled as Eko Eko Azarak 2- in the ensuing years. If we have six Leprechaun films, why not?

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We'll return to Japan later. For now, we get to look at some odd movie monsters. Stay tuned...

Forgotten Sequels: Curse of the Fly

I loved flies so much that I decided to do another review. Amongst film sequels, this one is right up there with Ben in the forgotten column. It is...

Curse of the Fly

This one needs a little lead-in as well. The original Fly movie is about a scientist who accidentally teleports with a fly in the chamber. His death is tragic, but the details untold to his son. This leads in to Return of the Fly, where the son meets the same fate. Put a sign on the door or something, people! I give you all of that, even though it helps very little here. Ha!

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The film begins with a woman escaping a sanitarium and running around town. So does she become a fly or something? She meets up with a young man, who falls in love with her. Desperate to protect her, he marries her and takes her to the family estate. In hindsight, this is a bad idea.

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His brother lives there and has been experimenting with similar technology. His work, however, has lead to a barn full of Dr. Moreau-style monsters that resemble the large beast in The Brain That Wouldn't Die more than they do humans. It's never quite clear how this is happening though, but just go with it people!

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Right now you're thinking 'why is this a fly sequel' and 'why does this guy answer his own questions aloud?' The latter is because I'm crazy, but the first question is answered thusly: they are descendants. The characters are the grandsons of the original scientist, although this movie is not set in the future like it should be. Time is relative here.

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The uncle comes back into the picture, having teleported in from Quebec. He stirs up trouble, wary of her interference after he has had so much. Of course, this movie exists as a series of unknown issues. They don't know that the lady is crazy and she doesn't know that her husband has some screwed up DNA. The movie gets pretty strange near the end, finally introducing the mutants, fusing two of them together and ending with tragic family death. You don't get the same giant fly head creature this time, but, what you get is still strange. Not quite dinosaur/human/fly strange though.

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Honestly, this film is not all that bad. It is not as good as The Fly or as entertaining in a camp way as The Return of the Fly. It is closer in tone to 1986's The Fly than anything. Ultimately, it is more of an homage to your cliched 'mad scientist makes a monster that is clearly not Adam and is killed by it' films that littered the 1930s - 1950s. Should this really be a Fly movie? Not really. It may actually stand better on its own, since it would not be compared to either original films and not have built-in story expectations. If you like weird, black-and-white movies, you may want to check this out. Fox lovingly-released the original trilogy a year or so ago.

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No more insects. Instead, by popular demand, an old standard comes back. Stay tuned...

Forgotten Sequels: The Fly II (1989)

So many films come out every year and yet, so many are forgotten over time. I would like to give a little due to some of these films. They're not always good, but they are consistently interesting. The first subject is...

The Fly II

Let's get this part out of the way. Despite what people may think, The Fly was actually a pretty long running series as a whole. You had the first THREE films (i'll cover the last one next), the remake and ITS sequel. Yeah, most people forget about the new Fly 2 more than they do the old one. The film is barely 20 years old too, which is the sad part.

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A quick recap for those who did not see the Cronenberg film or forgot. Jeff Goldblum tried to make a teleportation machine. When he went in, so did a tiny little fly. Slowly but surely, our hero begins to transform. After much chaos and death, he dies, but not before getting his girlfriend pregnant and leaving a video diary. His kid is born and it resembles a larvae. Crap.

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This film begins in a way that almost makes you wonder if it is a sequel. That title makes you think so, but the dramatic setting change and time-jump make you unsure. Basically, the kid was taken away, the mother died in child-birth (how convenient) and the child was raised in a lab. His home is basically The Truman Show, just with a more sinister edge.

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He is constantly being tested without ever having the reason explained to him. On the plus side, he does have dog and a new love interest in Daphne Zuniga. While not the biggest name in Hollywood, you may recognize her. Life is good, save for the nagging feeling of being lied to and all those fly hormones running through him. He hooks up with Daphne, since it is a requirement of any film from this time. But you don't care about that.

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You care about this. The whole movie builds up to the son testing another machine and fully bringing out his fly side. He transforms into a hideous monster and, just like Jaws II or Aliens, he spends a lot of time on screen. The thing resembles a fly, albeit by way of a dinosaur. Really though, this is a case of creativity over-powering common sense. The monster looks neat, sure, but he also looks nothing like he really should Laugh all you want at the original Fly and Fly 2's makeup, but it was fairly logicial. This one does spit acid and melt someone's face off though.

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Ultimately, The Fly II is not all that inventive. It all boils down to boy-meets-girl, boy-kills-villain and boy-dies-tragic-death-while-mutated. There is nothing all that terrible about it, nor is there anything all that great about it. The blood effects and mutations look cool, but, given that they hired the F/X director of the last movie as the actual director here, this comes as no surprise. The film is entertaining, has good acting and has face-melting. Of course, so does Indiana Jones and the Raiders of the Lost Ark. I'm just saying.

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If you thought this movie was weird, wait until you see Curse of the Fly. Stay tuned...

Special: The 'Naked Gun' Curse

Comedies are fun business, except when they are cursed. I'm sure you all know at least a little bit about the "Poltergeist" curse and "The Exorcist" curse from the media. A more curious one has come to light this year though.

The Curse of the Naked Gun Movies

For those who don't know, the Naked Gun movies were a spin-off of the sadly-unsuccessful Police Squad TV show with Leslie Nielsen. They made three movies and a fourth has pretty much been teased ever since. Only one small incident in 1994 has really stymied those ideas. Let's begin with the first victim...

Ricardo Montalban
He outlasted the curse for a while, but, tragically, died this year. He lived a long life full of fun, family and Planet of the Apes sequels. Interestingly enough, he is actually tied into another curse that I will cover later.

Robert Goulet
The lounge singer did some limited acting in his time. He is most famous to my generation as being parodied on SNL by Will Ferrel. Many years after being the villain in Naked Gun 2 and 1/2, he died as well.

Anna-Nicole Smith
The youngest of any of the curse's victims, she also starred in the most recent movie- Naked Gun 33 and 1/3. Incidentally, these are 'funny' titles, so don't think that I skipped 31 movies. She died in the last couple of years, right after her oldest son did. The curse is spreading!

So, three movies and three victims. All they have in common is playing villains in Leslie Nielsen movies. Maybe we had better keep an eye on Andy Griffith and Miguel Ferrer.

Well, that's it so far. I can't help but feel that I missed something...
Ah well, I'll think of it later. More curses coming in the future. Stay tuned...

Mondo Week: The Devil's Sword

We've reached the end of the road people. While Mondo Macabro will always be a part of my life,- I gots to have more Indian horror- this is the last update day. Well, until I do another one. Never say never in this business when you can watch...

The Devil's Sword

This movie is basically a sword-and-sandal movie, mixed with a lot of Wuxia (the flying Chinese people movies) and fantasy. Since it comes to us from our brothers in the Eastern hemisphere, we can get a guarantee of cultural weirdness as well. Good stuff.

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Okay, so there is this evil Crocodile Queen. Before you ask, she is NOT a crocodile herself. Given this kind of movie, there was a chance, I know. She is just their buxom, evil and horny leader. Fortunately, this film is saved from fetish notoriety due to her lust for MEN and not humanoid reptiles. Now that we're spared from that imagery...anymore, let's get to the real meat of the film.

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If you like flying, flipping and hand lasers, this is your movie. The plot involves the evil Queen's attempt to get the film's macguffin 'The Devil's Sword.' It is all-powerful and looks badass, so, naturally, everyone else wants it to. Our hero is a very manly man who kills with ease. In his way are three dangerous assassins. This should be a walk in the park for him.

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This movie is not only action packed, but trippy as all hell. Aside from having a guy with a sword fight crocodile men, you get witches, weird spirits and skeletons. It also teaches gravity just who is the boss around here! In a way, this film is a mix of Conan the Barbarian and El Topo. Of course, I don't like the latter at all (bye bye, indie cred). However, the crazy 'I don't know where I'm going, but I like it' feel of the cult film is there. If you can take the insanity and survive the experience, you will be better (and crazier) for it.

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Well, we now return you to my normal crap for a while. Stay tuned...

Mondo Week: Don't Deliver Us From Evil

We haven't had any faux lesbianism in a while. We also have not had any killer children thus far either. Let's fix both oversights with...

Don't Deliver Us From Evil

This is one of those rare films that was shocking in its own time and really still is. Joining such film as Caligula and Cannibal Holocaust is a unique honor. In addition, this is made by a French director, so you would expect some classiness. Not so much.

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Another quick note. I made a joke about there being 'faux lesbianism' in the movie. To clarify, the closest you get in physical contact is this. There is talk about it, but no follow-up. Given how young the leads are, this is a given. The point was made with just the idea of it being around. Also, this is based on the same real-life crime that Heavenly Creatures is, just made in 1971.

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Two girls walk into a Church and one of them wants to be a Satanist. Bad joke, but adequate set-up to the film. Two Catholic schoolgirls who are not related, but act like sisters, share a bond of disdain with their strict upbringing. They rebel in subtle ways like stealing 'smut' from the attic and more overt ways like doing their own Satanic mass. The girls live in nearby countryside manors and spend all the time they can together.

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The movie is subtle about getting 'full-on strange.' It escalates slowly but surely. The brunette goes a bit crazier than her blond friend does though. She starts out by killing her gardener's birds one-by-one. Why? Good question. This is actually in 'retaliation' to the gardener attempting to have sex with her friend...after she flashed her panties at him for several minutes and consented. Good moral system, huh?

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"Don't Deliver" does take some major deviations from the real-life case. For one thing, the mother is never a 'threat' to their happiness. As a result, she is not a target for elimination or death. Instead, this comes to a random man that they come across. After enticing him with her ways,- including dancing around in her underwear- the man makes a move and is killed in 'self-defense.' The clues begin to lead to the girls, which leads them, in turn, to make their final, decisive move.

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As an art film, this film is full of unique imagery and creative storytelling. It definitely will not be for everyone with though. What with the nubile young girls acting sort of evil, the men being thoughtless-pigs and there being a scene of two girls turned into human candles. For what it wants to be, it is quite strong. Whether you choose to like what it wants to be is up to you.

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One last one to go and it's a doozy. Who has the best sword? The Devil does. Stay tuned...

Mondo Week: The Killer Must Kill Again

Let's keep the pace a little lighter today with some rape and murder. Today's movie is a giallo, but a long-lost one. Let's check out...

The Killer Must Kill Again

First off, I just have to say how much I love the title. That is all.

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The movie begins with, shockingly, a murder. Our killer has just taken out another victim, but a concerned citizen picks up a lighter he left at the scene. He's going to turn it into the police, right? Nope. He's actually a poor, cheating husband who wants his wife killed. He uses this as incentive to get him to do it. Nice guy.

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After a little 'friendly-time' with his wife, he goes off to establish his alibi for her impending murder. Hey, at least he did it in this order and not the other way around! Her death is not a quick one, as she proves to be quite feisty. Soon she ends up quite dead and put in the trunk of a car.

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All goes well, except for the fact that car- with body in tow- is stolen by a young couple. They head off to the coast while the killer and the husband make plans to cover. The evil man chases them, while the philanderer decides to play up his innocence. During the trip, the movie teases you a couple of times with people possibly opening up the trunk. Good stuff.

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They arrive at an abandoned house and go inside. All the while, the guy has been pressuring his lady to 'give it up to him.' She does not like all that talk and just wants to spend some time with him. After one last 'subtle' attempt, he leaves in search of food that she requested. Along the way, he comes along a buxom blond with car trouble. He gives her a ride and then she rides him. Ha ha ha innuendo. Wait, that was far less subtle.

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While the guy is out getting sucked (into an affair), the girl is being stalked. The killer gets there and is mad that the car (and body) are gone. He ties her up and takes off her pants. In case you had not gathered, this is no kids film. Eventually, the guy gets back and is attacked. Way to save the day, buddy.

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The blond is outside with the car and finally discovers the body. Unfortunately, it is at the same time as the killer comes back. She gets violently killed. This movie teaches you not to sleep around with strangers. Although, the guy escapes with only some scratches. As for the nice girl, well, let's just say that her first time was not pleasant and she did not enjoy it. The killer who must kill again gets killed by the girl who he tries to kill. Try saying that one time fast.

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This movie is gritty, realistic and refreshing. Like any genre, the giallo genre was flooded with wannabes. For every classic like What Have You Done to Solange, you get subpar stuff like Black Belly of the Tarantula or bad ones like Lizard in a Woman's Skin. Like M, this movie is a neat twist on the genre that is often forgotten by fans. Thanks to Mondo Macarbo, we can all bask in this films glory. It's not the best movie ever, but it is a damn good giallo.
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We ain't done yet. We have a trip to Indonesia and a stop in France still ahead of us. Stay tuned...

Mondo Week: Tarkan vs. The Vikings

Let's get away from the salacious and dip back into the surreal. Mondo Macabro has set itself as one of the few companies to release GOOD DVDs of Turkish movies- I'm looking at you, Seytan. Let's check out...

Tarkan vs. the Vikings

To give a little history, Tarkan was a very famous comic character in his native land a la The Phantom or Prince Valiant. This was enough to get him a film in the pop cinema hay-day there.

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The film quickly introduces Tarkan and his wolf, who he loves more than his own people. I know what you're thinking after the last few films, so let me just say that there is no bestiality in here. Our Hun hero is off to visit his lady friend, but their encampment is attacked. In the battle, our tough hero is wounded and his pet dies. It's young pup is alive and nurses him back to health.

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The villains are an interesting group. You've got a Viking leader- who looks a lot Conan's friend from his cartoon show- who has joined up with a Chinese Princess. Why? Good question. The problem is that nobody can remain loyal. The Princess betrays the Viking (Tora) for Tarkan, but can't remain loyal to him. It's all very confusing, so let's focus on the action and absurdity.

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Basically, if you have seen any good Sinbad movie, you have seen what this movie has to offer. That does not mean that it is bad by any means, just predictable. Of course, it does have its strange moments. The curious thing is how they portray Tarkan's battle prowess. He spends the majority of the movie going into battle and getting beaten. While one could argue that heroes thrive through adversity, this film overdoes it by the fourth or fifth failed rescue attempt.

*

The best parts of the movie are the bizarre ideas it has. First off, the barely-explained team-up of the Chinese Princess and the Vikings. It's interesting, but weird. Second, the 'torture' scenes of the women captured by the Vikings. They are just plain weird. Lastly, there is the monster. Throughout the film, they build up the idea of the Vikings' evil monster used to sacrifice to. Once you see it, well, the reaction is different. It is just freaking stupid looking. Good stuff. You can even see it in action here.

*

Is this movie good? Not by any means. It is silly, low-budget and has a ridiculous plot. Of course, to me, those are all positive traits. In spite of itself, the movie is fun and stupid. Pulp fans will have a good time with this, as well as the informative documentary and the less-entertaining film The Deathless Devil that comes packed on one DVD. Thank you, Mondo Macabro.

Mondo Week: Panic Beats

Now that the lesbians and the crazy people are gone, let's take a trip to Spain. One of the million Paul Naschy films out there is...

Panic Beats

Paul here was the Jesus Franco of relatively-good Spanish horror films. Unlike the artistically-challenged auteur, his films at least feel professional. Both Spaniards did make films that were just freaking strange though. This is the case today.

*

This movie is basically a horror/soap opera, mixed with some ghost story and slasher elements. Wow, that sounds simple, right? Yeah, it's a big mess of a plot. It's not terrible though, just hard to decipher. Speaking of hard to decipher, check out the opening of this movie.

*

A naked woman running through the forest. Okay, interesting choice. We quickly learn that she is being chased by a man in armor on a horse. Sucks to be her, evidently. In true horror movie fashion, she trips and is attacked by his flail. Her death is so violent that it triggers the title screen.

*

We cut to the present where Paul is taking his wife out into the woods. We learn that she is very rich and he is most assuredly not. Paul- looking a lot like John Belushi here- gets a flat tire and is attacked by bandits. Wow, this is the exact same scene from Werewolf Shadow, except you are the one in peril this time. That's very clever, pal.

*

The gist of the movie is that Paul's wife has a heart condition and needs some R&R. They go to Paul's family estate which is allegedly haunted by a ghost- the villain from the beginning- and features a painting of our hero as Vigo the Carpathian. As time goes by, the wife begins to get scared frequently and nearly dies. It all climaxes in the visage of our ghost villain appearing and pushing her over the edge. Bad luck. So, how do you feel, Paul?

*

Oh, you're happy, because this was all part of a plan to kill her off that you made with the maid. But, she doesn't like you either and plots your death with a mysterious man over the phone? Bad choice, Paul. Despite hearing her do this later on, he still falls prey to the 'toaster in the bathtub' trick.

*

The finale of the movie is chock full of violent deaths and crazy ghost appearances. It ends with our mischievous and malicious heroine attempting to leave the estate. However, the real ghost rises from his grave and gives her a violent death. Every good person and bad person dies. The End.

*

Yeah, this is another interesting recommendation. Those who can stomach the retro gore and frequent nudity may enjoy it. Much like Dario Argento's 'Opera,' the film is very dark in tone and does not end in the most happy of ways. Naschy himself even admits this in the interviews packed onto the Mondo Macabro disc. This is a less accessible Spanish horror film than say "The Loreley's Grasp" or "Return of the Evil Dead." It's worth a rental for those who think it sounds interesting.

*

Four more movies to go. Will we see sex traps, Satanic ceremonies and scientific shibari? Probably. Stay tuned...

Mondo Week: The Mansion of Madness

Now that we've got the pseudo-lesbians out of the way, let's get to some crazy people. Let's take a look at...

The Mansion of Madness

A little history for you guys. The Marquis De Sade was one messed up guy. He was placed in an Asylum for his crazy thoughts, although he continued to write. He famously wrote a play called Marat/Sade bout the inmates running the Asylum, which was not received well.

*

Oh and despite what the movie keeps insisting, this is not based on an Edgar Allen Poe tale. Watching bizarre cinema as much as I do, this is something that happens a lot. Basically, the movie was retitled to sound like a Poe tale- much like Corman's The Conqueror Worm. We know though.

*

A French journalist is sent on assignment to check out an asylum that has been noted for it's extremely unique treatment style. He runs into an old friend and his daughter, so they go with him. While he goes on the tour, the crazy guards attack his friends. This leads to a humorous/freaky scene where the man tries to flee through the woods while wrapped in a potato sack. Go man, go!

*

The comparisons to the Marquis' Marat/Sade is evident in the mid-point of the movie. It is basically a random collection of crazy people in different rooms under the pretense of 'seeing the facility.' Crazy guy covered in tar who thinks he is a chicken? Check. Patients placed in glass cages for some reason? Check. People wearing very fancy head-wear? Big check.

*

Eventually, our hero figures out the truth. The real doctor has 'checked out' and the place is being run by a patient who looks like The Who's Roger Daltrey. He is locked up by the man and invited to the big climactic dinner scene. His friends- the girl is named Eugenie, another De Sade play- show up again. A big battle breaks out and all is right again with the world. Well, as right as it can be at an Asylum in the middle of the woods.

*

Like Girl Slaves, this is not an easy recommendation. The film starts out a little slow, introducing all the characters. It hits its stride during the tour and ends in a very big way. The rampant nudity- done as an eccentricity and not involving sex- and insane behavior is certainly not going to be everyone's cup of tea. If you like absurdity and have an open mind, check this one out. If you aren't into either though, you may not like much of my stuff from Mondo Macabro.

*

We're only just getting started. Magic spells, manic ghosts and...murder. Stay tuned...

Mondo Week: Girl Slaves of Morgana Le Fay

I love Mondo Macabro. That is all. Okay, there is a little more. Check out all their titles at www.mondomacabrodvd.com. I'm going to give you a week-long sample of their works. Let's start off strong with...

Girl Slaves of Morgana Le Fay

Only Europe could bring us a movie like this- plain and simple. I should start off by discussing the title picture's claims. Is this a 'classic?' I don't know about that. Is it erotic? Is women rubbing over each other for 90 minutes erotic? Is it a 'horror' film? Not really. There is a scene of a woman being scared, but it is not for any reason you could possibly guess.

*

The movie begins with a woman in very, very light bondage. Wearing pretty much no clothes- get used to it- her arms are lightly wrapped in ribbons. They explain that she is going to be kicked out for not obeying the rules. Kicked out of where? You'll see.

*

Our real heroine shows up in a mysterious village while out on vacation. with her friend She finds it curious that all of the women there are old. Where are the youths? More importantly, where is her pseudo-lesbian friend.

*

A quick boat ride across the lake answers one of her questions. A large castle is being run by the infamous Morgana Le Fay (spoiler?) and her favorite midget. The place is full of young, buxom women who wear negligees and pose like they are on an album cover. Our heroine is quickly taken in and bathed in the middle of the room by a trio of women. Sorry, if you want to see that, rent the movie.

*

The movie spends a lot of time showing women making out and rubbing all over each other while someone plays the lute off-screen. It keeps going and going and going. So the movie does have its upsides. Ultimately though, it is a strange, trippy mess. It won't make sense and very little is explained. Our heroine leaves the island after learning that the stay's cost would be her soul. The End.

*

No, not really. After fleeing, she goes into town and sees the old women. After a couple minutes of thought, she decides that eternal good looks is a better thing to have than a soul. The End.

*

Wow, that was something. That is the best way to describe it, I think. Lots of naked women, very little plot and a French midget. That is a formula that probably works very well for some people. As for me, well...one of them is nice. No, it's not the midget. This is also the Special Edition DVD, which is a big 'screw you' to every other DVD release of this film. Take that, inanimate objects!
*
More weird, Foreign insanity to come. Killers, witches and Tarkan- oh my. Stay tuned...

The Human Buffet: Feast III

Well, most of the group is dead...again. They're still trying to get out of Dodge, but hope is pretty slim. Since this is a horror film, I'm sure they'll be fine in...

Feast III: The Happy Finish

The movie opens with a quick recap of the violent deaths from the end of 'Feast II,' including a midget being torn in half and a man getting a pipe shot through his head. To top it all off, the monsters kill Honey Pie. In a bit of the movie's 'humor,' we see the monster knock her head off, eat it and crap it out. Thanks, movie.

*

After their last attempt to get inside the sheriff's office failed, the second midget does the old cartoon trick of walking with a trash can over his head. It pretty much works, as well as any plan works in a 'Feast' movie. They all make it inside, including the man with a new 'head pipe.' He actually lives throughout most of the movie. Go figure.

*

During a desperate moment, a new hero arrives called- seriously- S#!tkicker. He gives them words of wisdom and assures the group that everyone will survive. Anyone that read my review of the original Feast knows what is going to happen. Yeah, he dies, this time in a random accident with a gun. That's only clever once, movie!

*

The group makes it outside anyways and gets to a bus. That turns out to be a red herring, however, as it runs out of gas in about twenty seconds. They are saved by a robed prophet who turns out to be...well, I won't spoil it. Sufficed to say, it is worse than the reveal in Crimson Rivers II: Angels of the Apocalypse. On his advice, they flee into the sewers. Now it gets really bad.

*

The film is barely watchable at this point- and I don't mean because of the bad writing, characters and humor. You can't see most of what happens, save for a few times when a new character lights the way with glowing bottles. Man, I wish I was joking. While this effect is probably realistic, it is also annoying as crap.

*

A couple new people are introduced, including a kung-fu expert called- seriously- Jean-Claude Seagal. He gets slowly killed by monsters for being stupid. In fact, most of them get killed. Only the car salesman's girlfriend, the second midget and, shockingly, the Bartender make it to the other side. This leads us to the most pointless, stupid and ridiculous ending since Blood Freak: a giant robot comes out and crushes the girl and the midget. He walks off- only being shown once due to budget constraints- and a lone mariachi singer begins to sing a song about the plot of the movies. Shoot me now.

*

Yeah, I can't reccomend this movie. Not only does the dark humor fall flat even more, the characters feel even more stilted and the action feel lazier, but you can't see most of the last half of the film. It reminds me of another terrible movie- Monster A-Go-Go. Like that movie, the ending killed any semblance of enjoyability. It takes talent to kill a movie series so quickly and definitively. Good job, Mr. Gulager. May you never work again.

*

Let's take a week-long journey into the Macabro. Stay tuned...

The Human Buffet: Feast II

When we last left our heroes...well, most were dead. A couple survived and went into town. Little did they know that trouble would follow them in...

Feast II: Sloppy Seconds

The film begins with an angry biker lady showing up and dragging the Bartender by force. See, I told you that he would be back. They arrive in town and discover that the monsters are there too. But, before we get to that, let's introduce eighteen new characters.

*

Yeah, that narrative pretty much grinds to a halt for about twenty minutes or so there. Basically, you get two midget key-makers, a used car salesman, his wife, her lover, the sheriff, the town drunk and numerous other corpses. They give a small role to Tom Gulager, who is the brother of the director and the son of 'The Bartender.' Do we have enough Gulagers in the movie yet?

*

Finally, once the gang gets into town, they do battle with the monsters, who are finally visible in broad daylight. Wow, there's no way they can ruin this.

*

What follows is lots of dark humor (including the wrestlers' mother slowly decaying from monster acid) and bodily fluid scenes. A nearly ten minute scene involves our surviving heroes doing an autopsy on one of the monsters. Why? Good question. If you ever wanted to see people get pissed on by a giant, latex monster, this is your movie though. We also get a scene where the Bartender beats the snot out of Honey Pie (the blood-soaked waitress) because she left him for dead. It's not like he was lying on the ground dead with his throat ripped out. Oh wait, he was.

*

The biggest problem with the movie is the plot. The Biker Queen and her companions want to kill Balthazar Getty's character for using the Biker lady as a bomb in the last movie. Sounds plausible, right? So what is the payoff? Um...there is none. Other than the drunk being beaten up for being the guy's uncle, we get nothing. Mr. Getty was too busy to make this movie, I guess. So a gross movie with no payoff to the story. Well, it can't get any worse. Hold on...

*

After numerous outdoor scenes, the movie stages the last twenty minutes or so on the roof of a building. This is accomplished by the worst green screen effect since the last cable access commercial you've seen. 'The Soup' is more convincing. They could not shoot on an actual roof after the dozen or so scene shot outside earlier? Oh, that and the movie ends in mid-battle. What is this- Shaolin vs. the Evil Dead?

*

This movie could have been really good. Instead, they lost what little subtlety they had and made a Troma film. While I like actually seeing the monsters, I did not need to see their monster genitals and internal organs. I could have lived without that, Mr. Gulager. 'Feast II' disappoints as it impresses. That is a curious achievement in fimmaking. If you see want to see really bad filmmaking, check out the sequel...to the sequel.

*

More giant, ugly monsters and uglier people. Stay tuned...

The Human Buffet: Feast

A man had a dream- to make a gory, old-school horror film. Thanks to Matt Damon and Ben Affleck's 'Project Greenlight,' he got his chance. Things got complicated for him when his producers- the Weinstein brothers- split from the Miramax company. What would happen to his film now?!?

*

Well, it came out and they made two sequels. Since I just watched the 'finale,' you get to know about them. Let's begin today with...

Feast

The film begins simply enough with a bunch of people in a bar. Name captions and descriptions pop up for them, giving you the first clue that this movie is going to be a bit different.

*

The casting is also unique, mixing Jason 'Jay' Mewes, Balthazar 'I'm only famous for my affair' Getty and Krista 'Forget that I used to do porn' Allen. It also stars Judah Friedlander, who most people know as the fat guy who wears the funny hats on '30 Rock' and alt-rocker-turned-host Henry Rollins. The other interesting bit of casting is Clu Gulager, who is the father of the director. You'll see a lot of him.

*

The movie starts off fast and furious, with a tiny creature breaking in and killing off a couple notable cast members. They finally lock it up and shoot it to death. Unfortunately, they learn that it was only a baby and the parents are outside. A hero...called Hero shows up and says that they will make it out alive. He is promptly killed 'Deep Blue Sea'-style by a monster. Fortunately for them, a second one- his girlfriend- shows up a little later and manages to live past her speech.

*

Things never really slow down too much and for too long. Some people get messed up bad while many others die. The film's dark humor is prevalent throughout. Part of the finale involves a plan that most people would despise in real life. They tie one of the dead women to a plank and cover her in explosives. She is sent out to lure them over to their death. Two problems: she is not dead and the bomb is not too reliable. The lady wakes up in time for the beasts to go 'Law & Order: SVU' on her for a while before they finally get the explosive to work.

*

The survivors escape and live happily ever after. Or do they?!? Well, there is a sequel, so the answer is 'no.'

*

'Feast' is hard to recommend to a casual audience. It is dark, strangely-funny and full of gore. The tone alternates strangely from fear to sight-gag-related humor throughout. A more experienced filmmaker would have balanced it better. Despite all that, it has a weird charm to it. You can do worse than 'Feast.' Of course, you'll learn that soon enough.

*

More 'Feast' to come. Stay tuned...

Forgotten Toons: Defenders of the Earth

Kids shows are often rife with ridiculous characters, silly writing and crazy scenarios. What I find amazing is how even in shows like this, some things can still stand out as strange. Let's start off strong with a favorite of mine...

Defenders of the Earth

I love this show, but it has one of the most patently ridiculous premises ever. Before I get to the two crazy moments, let me put it all in perspective.

*Flash Gordon- Earth-man who goes to Mongo to save his planet from the evil Ming.

*The Phantom- One of a clan of men who keep the jungle safe from evil men.

*Mandrake- a famous stage magician who also keeps evil magic at bay.

*Lothar- a large, black adventurer who is very strong.

These men formed a team- alongside their children- to battle Ming the Merciless who had resumed his attacks on the Earth. Does this sound normal to anyone? I didn't think so. So, with that in mind, here are the two craziest things.

1) In a late episode, it begins with a scientist explaining a world-wide warning system. He explains that if it ever goes off, it means that a great danger is loose. About ten seconds later, the alarm goes off. His companion shouts "What is that?!?"

*

Were you even listening? What is the point in giving you expositional dialogue if you aren't listening? Aargh!

2) In the pilot episode, the heroes unite to save Flash's wife Dale from Ming's clutches. They stop him, but it is too late to save her life. With her life energy sucked out and placed into a crystal, Lothar's son suggests that they use the crystal to power their computer.

*

Seriously? You are going to use a dead woman's life energy to power your computer. Who do you think you are- Doctor Venture?!? But wait, there's more.

*

Flash, rather than slapping the kid in the face, says that it is a great idea. Wow, you're stone cold harsh, man. To summarize, a woman is killed, her life energy is placed in a crystal and she is used as a power source. This show is marketed towards children. Wow...just, wow.

*

More freaky stuff from our youth coming up. Stay tuned...

Fun Facts: Bela Lugosi

Given that I am a giant nerd, I thought that I should share some fun tid-bits of information with you. Just to slowly turn you into what I have become. Think of this like a knowledge cocoon. Wait! Don't do that! That's just weird.

Anyhow, today's factoids relate to one man: Bela Lugosi

*Bela got famous in America for doing the stage version of Dracula. He was cast in Tod Browning's film after their original lead became unavailable. How? He died.

*Bela got the role instead of Lon Chaney Sr. on account of said death. Ironically, who would star in 'Son of Dracula?' Lon Chaney Jr. That's planned continuity right there, people!

*Two of the famous horror mannerisms come from Bela's movies.
1)The 'Dracula walking with cape in front of face' cliche: it was inspired by the 1931 Dracula film, but really got used a lot in Plan 9 From Outer Space, due to the blatant use of a fill-in for Bela...on account of death.
2)The Frankenstein shamble: while the monster always walked like a drunk, it became moreso in 'Frankenstein Meets the Wolfman.' Why? Because in 'Ghost of Frankenstein,' Ygor switched his brain with the beast's. Their blood type was not compatible, rendering him blind. All dialogue that would explain this was cut.

*Bela died a pennyless man whose only friend was a hack named Ed Wood. Wait! That's not funny at all. My bad.

*Bela only plaid Count Dracula twice on film. Once was in the iconic horror film and the other...was in 'Abbott & Costello Meet Frankenstein.' No, really.

*After having his dialogue cut because of his thick Hungarian accent in 'Frankenstein Meets the Wolfman,' Bela would later go on to play Mr. Wong in 'The Mysterious Mr. Wong' and Dr. Mirakle in 'Murders in the Rue Morgue.'

That's enough for now. More fun facts and strange actors to come. Stay tuned...

WTF Japan?!?: Battle Royale

This is the last one, so enjoy it while you can. I mean, sure it's going to be a regular update in the future, but...it's still important. Dammit. Today's film combines Japan's two favorite things: children and murder. That's all I really need to say, isn't it. I bring you...

Battle Royale

The title gives you the idea that this will be a fun, bombastic adventure. It most definitely is not. It is not a walk in the park, but it is by no means fun. Don't let the Godzilla-style title screen fool you.

*

Japan's economy in crisis and the children are rebelling. The people in charge come up with a great plan to solve this. To instill fear and respect, they randomly pick one class of students, send them to an island and make them hunt the most dangerous game- man.

*

The kids are given a set of collars that will blow up if they go into hot spots- the bad kind, not the wi-fi ones- or fail to kill each other in three days. Needless to say, a lot of people get killed. Some of them are hesitant, while others take to murder like flies to honey.

*

Almost all of the nice kids are killed, while a pair of ringers do a lot of killing. One of them is said to join the BR program for his love of killing. What a nice guy. On top of that, their former teacher is the Saw-like leader of the murder weekend. He does it because they were mean to him. The actor playing him is scary in the way he never emotes at all, choosing to play the role with a deadly sense of calm. Wait, did I just praise a guy for not acting in a movie?

*

They try to give you a semblance of a happy ending, with one couple surviving and even killing their oppressors. Hur-ray? All of your friends have died violent deaths at each other's hands, but at least you are together. Jerks.

*

This movie is just plain odd. It is very un-subtle in its commentary on society (despite everyone touting this fact) and very direct in its murders. A pair of girls are killed by a crazed students with an Uzi when they call for peace. What is the message of this movie? It's okay for people to kill each other as long as you don't? I don't get it, movie. Then again, maybe I just don't want to.

*

Back to some non-Japanese films for a while. They will still be strange though, so don't worry. Stay tuned...

WTF Japan?!?: The Glamorous Life of Sachiko Hanai

After all this time, crazy stuff continues to boggle my mind. This film is no exception. I was expecting a lot of weird, but it still managed to shock me. This is...

The Glamorous Life of Sachiko Hanai

I must preface the review by stating that this was my first Pink film. This was a while before "Assault! Jack the Ripper." Still, it is backflipping-Beowulf crazy!

*

A secret terrorist group is doing a business deal in a Japanese diner late at night. I guess there aren't any abandoned factories nearby. After a long night on the job, our eponymous hooker enters the establishment. A dispute arises and a shootout follows. In the process, Sachiko is shot in the center of her forehead. The end.

*

No, I'm just kidding. She lives somehow and ends up with the desired object as well. Sachiko begins to go through some changes as a result of this, the most notable is a dramatic increase in her intelligence. This does not stop her from having sex with a lot of random men, it just changes the reasons for it. You can't keep a good whore down.

*

Let's get to the really crazy stuff now. The object that these men killed each other over is a cloned copy of George W. Bush's trigger finger. It also red, white and blue. Just go with me, people. Throughout the film, she has numerous hallucinations involving our last President as a result. The 'high point' of the movie is where she uses her control over the digit to...um...take care of business. It is weird, trippy and slightly macabre.

*

It is hard to recommend this movie to anyone with dignity, common sense or a strong sense of logic. Honestly, if the film had been more about satire and less about sex, I would easily recommend it to you. Whenever you think that creativity is gone out of cinema, stuff like this comes along. Whether it is a good or bad thing is up to you.

*

One more to go. How can I end this series on a high note? Two words: Battle Royale. Stay tuned...

WTF Japan?!?: 964 Pinocchio

Leave it to Japan to mess with a classic children's fairy tale. Of course, as we learn when we get older, there is some twisted elements to them. These guys just amp those up and make you feel even more awkward. Please enjoy...

964 Pinocchio

You're scared already, aren't you? Well, be afraid-be very afraid. Since I do so much writing already, I'm going to bow briefly to Wikipedia here...

*

"Released in 1991, 964 Pinocchio Japanese Cyberpunk film is filmmaker Shozin Fukui's big cyberpunk anthem. It deals with the theme of brain-modified sex slaves as well as mental breakdowns in a hallucinogenic thrill ride."

*

Yeah, this is real. Much like the animated version of 'Titanic', we almost wish it wasn't. No amount of wishing will work this time, kids. In fairness, it is not the first time that Pinocchio has been sent to the future or been made creepy. Even so, this is another level. More Wikipedia, since I don't want to stain my hands any more.

*

"Pinocchio 964 is a memory-wiped sex slave who is thrown out by his owners for failure to maintain an erection. It is unclear in what ways he has been modified beyond having no memory and being unable to communicate."

*

Even I'm a little speechless. Take note of this historical event for the one time it will happen. Lesbian schoolgirls fighting zombies or anthropomorphic businessmen are nothing, but this...wow. The idea of this alone haunts my dreams a little. Even the brave writers at Wikipedia are afraid to say too much about it. After two paragraphs of plot, we get this...

*

"After that, it gets weird."

*

Gee, thanks for the information guys. So yeah, this is a strange movie that even I barely want to touch with 3,000,000,000-foot pole. Yeah, that was a little Freudian there. It should be noted that the director of this film worked on Tetsuo: The Iron Man as part of the crew and followed this film up a few years later with, seriously, Rubber's Lover. Yeah, I'm going to pass, thank you.

*

More Japanese insanity to come. How can I top this? Two words: cloned finger. Stay tuned...

WTF Japan?!?: Godzilla vs. Hedorah

Even giant, fire-breathing lizards can be weird as hell. That came out wrong. Today's film is...

Godzilla vs. Hedorah

There are a couple things to get out of the way now. First off, this is from the 'Godzilla: Savior of mankind' era in Toho. The giant monster is friendly-ish to humans and only fights monsters to protect us. He's sort of like Mothra, only less gay. I kid. Second, this movie is full of experimental imagery and film-making. You have been warned.

The movie begins with a cartoon. Say it with me once and forever: WHAAA?!? Yeah, it begins with a cartoon narrated by a kid, talking about how much we pollute. Frankly, my dear, I don't give a hoot. This all leads us to our big monster- Hedorah.

He's one ugly 'mutha.' He starts off small, but grows into a big, Cthulu-looking weirdo. But it gets weirder. He has three forms: a swimming form, a land-mass form (shown above) and a flying form. Yeah, you read that. Just pretend that it makes sense and move on.

*

The plot is, well, pretty simple. The monster Hedorah is loose and destroying civilization because it is upset. The irony, of course, being that he attacks waste sites even though he would not exist without them in the first place. Wow, existential thought in a Godzilla movie. Who knew?

*

Many quirky things happen in this movie. One scene involves a bunch of young drunks in a bar. They are dancing around to disco music while one of them is tripping. He pictures them all with giant fish heads. This is followed by Hedorah unleashing his toxic slime into the place a la "The Blob." Incidentally, there are quite a few violent deaths in the movie from this substance. Combine that with the cartoons and child character in the lead and you have one confused movie.

*

Let's get this out of the way. You all just want to see this moment. I can't blame you. Take it away, clip.

*

The bottom line: this movie is just strange. Godzilla saves people? A sludge monster morphs into a jet? The monster has two 'balls' ripped out of it that are not its eyes? Why the hell not? Just throw it all in there movie. It's not like we will stop watching.

*

More Japanese insanity to come. Stay tuned...