Lost in Translation: The Golden Child

 It was fun to revisit the Eddie Murphy Film after so many years since my last viewing.

So, naturally, I just *had* to look for some Foreign Poster goodness.

Dark Horse pick for best source Poland comes up to bat with this lovely thing...

...I mean, credit where credit is due- someone really spent allot of time on this one.

They really thought through what *they* thought the key takeaways were.

That said, they turned Charles Dance into Anton LeVey like he was in a Jodorowsky movie.

Some good work here- just for a completely different movie!

'90s Trash: The Wasp Woman (1995)

 Before I do a long-needed Omnibus for a Series of Corman-adjacent Films, I need to check this one off of the list.

Do you remember a Film called The Wasp Woman?  Neither do I.
That 1959 Film was Remade in 1995- weird number flip there, no?  Does that mean that a descendant of George Lucas will remake Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull in 2080?  Sign me up!

The Plot involves a woman dealing with aging in the only logical way possible- injecting herself with an experimental formula.  This is before Botox became a thing, so that tracks!

As you can guess from the Title, things don't go well.  Will this Showtime-produced Remake go better?  To find out, read on...

In the Cold Open, a random lady decides to ignore a warning about Wasps in the area to go on a jog...in that looks like a one-piece bathing suit.  Okay.

She's killed, so is she the Title Character?

Nope.   None of that mattered- at all.

The actual Title Character is this Model/Business Owner who shows off her own products, but is, gasp, aging.

She hears the Assistant Photographer bad-mouthing her and... just kind of gets sad.

On top of that, they need an Investor- for reasons unexplained- and he also wants a 'new, fresh face' for the brand.

That guy on the right is a classic That Guy Actor, most notably for being in lots of Jim Wynorski Films.

A Scientist is testing some sort of formula involving yadda yadda wasp venom yadda yadda reversing aging.  Do you really think that tracks?

Our Heroine is interested, but wants concrete proof, so he tests it on an alley cat.

Said cat becomes a kitten within a day, so she agrees to help fund the research...and test it on herself.

Unbeknownst to her, said kitten has now become...giggle...a cat-wasp (basically a big, furry wasp).

It *kind of* attacks the guy who was mean to it once and was bringing in the Wasps to test on (and the only connection to that random Opening Kill).

Said attack makes him swerve...and another car swerves and a big explosion?!?

Within a couple of days, the serum works on our Heroine and everyone fawns over her new (read: actual face without make-up) look.

At a bar, she runs across the guy who called her old-looking and takes him home for 'snoo-snoo.'

She transforms- in a very 90s way, it happens via digital morphing- into a full-on Wasp Woman!

She goes on a slow, but steady ramage of killing the men in her life that were kind of awful to her.

That includes her Second-in-Command (who tried to steal secrets) and the Investor guy.

Her great and helpful boyfriend- who's also named Alec- knows that something is wrong and manages to stop her from killing the young Model they hired to replace her.

They say that they will figure things out.

The End?

Nope- she decides to go after the Assistant (who she once imagined was hitting on Alec) and tries to kill her...in a Cave. 
Just go with it.

She realizes how much she has done and changed as the duo run from her...before the Assistant runs back with dynamite to blow her up.

What a pal. 
The End.

Was it great?  No, it's a Jim Wynorski Creature Feature that was made for Showtime.
Was it good?  Same answer.

That's not to say that there was NOTHING good here.  There was some stuff to like.

Jennifer Rubin- when she's not turning into a monster- is good here, playing both sad and over-the-moon happy at different times.  The Actors all do a good to decent job here.

The big draw is, of course, the Special Effects.  I appreciated the use of Practical F/X to make the creature.  That morph- while not terrible- does date the Film quite a bit.  Other than the fact that they gave the giant Wasp cleavage, it's quite nice.

I take alot of issues with the logistics here.  Why does she never transform partway- like growing antennae or wings- and only fully into a creature?  Would that transition effect be too expensive?

Another little issue- the Soundtrack.  They have like 2 pieces of 'dramatic music,' so it gets kind of tiresome to hear by the end.

All in all, the Film is about what you'd expect.  They throw in random 'Skinemax' Sex Scenes that are otherwise pointless, tell a silly Plot and nobody learns anything.  Oh, Hi Director!

Next up, let's return to form.  Let's see what I can dig up.  Stay tuned...

Immediate Response: Ant-Man and the Wasp- Quantummania

 After a short delay, I managed to avoid SPOILERS until I got to see...

The Good

- The Film tells a nice story about a family trying to save, well, everyone from the imminent threat of Kang the Conqueror.

- The Film is a visual delight, giving you crazy vistas, unique creatures and flashy effects to tie it all together.

- When you get right down to it, the core of the Film is still relatable- a Mother trying to protect her Daughter and a Dad trying to protect his Daughter.

- Majors really comes into his own here, playing a strong, assertive version of Kang who feels that he has earned the right to control everything.

- It's rare to see a major studio Film pull of a good Chekhov's Gun.

- It's fun to see Bill Murray.

The Bad

- I could have used more Bill Murray.

- The bizarre nature of the Film- with the Quantum Realm, the Multiverse and a Broccoli Man- may alienate those that like the more grounded stuff.

- The big complaint is the lack of Louis, Dave and Kurt.  One is understandable- Google T.I to see for yourself- but the others are unfortunate.  At least we get Dastmalchian as a Voice Role.

All in all, the Film is a big, boisterous adventure with a solid emotional core.  It's a big, but grounded Marvel Film in all of the best sense of the term.

Tubi Thursday: Escape to Black Tree Forest (2012)

 The Sequel has to be better, right? 
He's had more experience and knows what he's doing now, right?
Right?!?

The Film opens by showing what we clearly didn't see last time- our Final Girl stabbing the killer.

Is he dead now?
Are they ever?

2 weeks (and three minutes of boring Credits) later, she's brought home from an Asylum...apparently.

She's fine, right?

No, another Strode- seriously, they use that name- goes crazy.

Not Jamie/Laurie stabs her Mom and leaves.

Her Dad, eventually, goes after her.

She decides to dress up like the killer she just killed (since she must kill again) and wander around in the Woods.

So what happens after 20 minutes of setup?

Nothing- for nearly 40 minutes!

Instead, let's follow a new group of dead bodies...I mean, people going shopping, going swimming and- eventually- going to the titular Forest.

Do you want to just make Nature Documentaries?

Lots of filler as we see Dad driving, a random Cop driving, an old guy called in to help...and immediately killed.

Wait- I thought she was in the Forest.

After we get the Intro of the last Film AGAIN as a 'story,' the group splits up and things finally happen.

Yawn.  The End.

Did he somehow make a worse Film?  In a way, yes.

All things considered, the first Film was just so generic, unimaginative and just plain there that I couldn't even be mad.  Like a passive aggressive parent, I was 'just disappointed.'

To be fair, Dustin Ferguson had only made SIX FILMS at this point.  Now- in 2012- he's made nine.

This one is worse because he clearly knows what he did wrong and just pivots entirely the wrong direction.  Spending so much time on filler is just not helpful to anyone.  I guess it pays off, but does anyone care after so much nothing happening.

Seriously, they don't even 'escape' to said Forest until nearly an hour into this *checks timer* 76-minute Film (I don't count End Credits, do you?)!  Pick up the pace, Movie- you're being passed by the fat kid in Gym!

If you make a boring Film once, it's bad.  If you do it a second time after you should know better, it's worse.  It makes you just want to, I don't know, lay down in a Field.

On the plus side, Black History Month via Tubi Thursday is done.  I can put off watching the third Film for some time.

'80s Fun: The Golden Child (1986)

 Is this a true Cult Classic or a case of studio interference?  It depends on who you ask, really.

The Golden Child is a 1986 Film that comes off a wave of Eddie Murphy success.  From SNL to Beverly Hills Cop and Coming to America, he was doing well.  So, it's no surprise that he'd get to be a Producer on his next project and help pick out the Script.

The Plot involves Murphy having to help recover the titular Child from bad guys.  If he can't save the kid, humanity is doomed.  No pressure, Axl!

The Cast includes a bunch of big names and Character Actors like Charles Dance, James Hong, Victor Wong and Randall 'Tex' Cobb.  If nothing else, it's fun to go 'Hey- it's that guy!'

Is the Film a bastardized version of the original Story or something to be remembered fondly?  To find out, read on...

Way out in the snowy Mountains, the Golden Child is watched over by some Monks.

It's all well and good until a bunch of people show up to kill the Monks, led by Dance.

I'll be honest- as someone only used to 'old' Charles Dance, I legit thought he was someone else with that red hair.  I thought it was William Atherton.

The Golden Child has all sorts of powers that mostly revolve around bringing things/people to life.

He's captured by the men for reasons that will be clear later.

In America, Murphy is a man who helps find missing children.

He's approached by a strange, young woman who wants him to find the Child.  He's the Chosen One, she says.

Given how often there are 'Chosen Ones' in Films and TV, there must be at least one on every street corner, right?

He eventually agrees to help when it intersects with the case he was working on- what are the odds?!?
Oh right- fate.

He is given vague clues about what to do and he usually has more questions than answers.

For instance, what is the secret of this lady behind the curtain?

After run-ins with some Bikers and the Villain- albeit in a dream-, he is told to travel to Tibet to retrieve a mystic knife.

The bad guys want it, since it can kill the Child.

Murphy and company don't know this, of course, but still have to partake on the mission.

It all comes down to a showdown with Dance, who transforms into a stop-motion creature on cue.
In his defense, he works for Dr. Claw- or something that has the exact same voice, as done by the same guy (Frank Welker).

Naturally, the knife is the key to killing him and everyone lives happily ever after...at least until we get a 'Legacy Sequel' in the next few years.  Any day now, right?

The End.

A fun adventure Film- no question about it.  Murphy is really great here, playing a guy who's trying to do the right thing...in his own way.  He's a great audience proxy for all of the confusing stuff that plays out during the story.

The question is this- what was changed?

According to Charles Dance and- to some extent- Eddie Murphy, changes were made at Paramount's request.  Reshoots were added to give Murphy more 'Axl Foley moments.'  They supposedly also changed the Score- which was possibly by John Williams?!?- and replaced it with a 'funky score.'

Reshoot or not, some of the Scenes definitely give you that Beverly Hills Cop feel.  The big one- the Airport scene.  Supposedly the Novelization is more accurate to the original Screenplay, so I guess I need to track ANOTHER Book down for Fiction vs. Fiction, huh?

Regardless of what changes were made and to what extent they were made, the Film is an enjoyable Film with good Action, a great '80s Soundtrack, the classic 'fish out of water' Story and some silly stuff from the time.

As someone who last watched the Film on Cable at least more than 10 years ago, it was nice to reunite with an old friend...

Next up, I break the Theme a bit to cover a topical-ish Film.  What happens when you remake a Wasp?  Stay tuned...

Shudder Sunday: Skinamarink (2023)

 Yeah, I don't see it.

This Film is abruptly popular, partly because it was accidentally leaked online.
What is this $15,000 phenomenon?

It is late night.  

Weird noises are happening.

Kids are wandering around.

A Dad is sometimes heard speaking.

Things 'escalate' when a TV is on and playing just out of frame.

I guess the sounds and songs of old Betty Boop Cartoons are truly scary.

I gave this Film half an hour and what did I get?

More shots of doors.
More random noises.
Doors disappearing via silly sound effect.
Terror?

Yeah...I'm good.  The End.

I'm sure that someone will tell me that I 'didn't get it' or that I 'didn't give it enough time.'

If I'm watching a Film that is nothing but out of frame noises, doors and TVs for half an hour, why do I need to watch more?  What does it gain me?

I'm happy for the guy getting his Film made and getting acclaim.
He's just not getting it from me.

Whatever is supposed to be happening here, I just don't care.

The Film doesn't set up ANYTHING, let alone its Setting or Character.  It just abruptly starts...and then nothing of note happens.

So, I have no frame of reference and I can't be bothered to care.

To put it another way, imagine if a whole Film was from this guy's perspective in this one Scene for 100 minutes...

Will I get hate for this?  Maybe.  Do I think differently about this Film because of that?  No.

Tubi Thursday: Terror at Black Tree Forest (2010)

 A Film so generic that even its Title has since been reused!

I'm all for helping out Indy Filmmakers, but you have to make something interesting and unique.  I got this instead...

In 1970, a masked man- think The Town That Dreaded Sundown or Friday the 13th: Part 2/3- kills a man and has his way with the Wife.

He sees the kid and chases him, catching up and...

We're just cutting there, eh?

After what felt like 10 minutes of Credits over shots of the same Forest, we just spent nearly 10 minutes in, we meet our Heroes.

They are, say it with me, going Camping.

They hear about an escaped mental patient on the loose via Exposition Radio- Channel 102.5- but ignore it.

He's far away and back in the old Film Stock.

Come nightfall, the killer has dressed up like the guy at the beginning.

You see, he's the kid who survived...apparently and went crazy...apparently.

Now that it is nighttime, they tint things blue and my eyes hurt for the next 30 minutes.

To make a long story- even though the Film is about 50 minutes long without Credits- short, he kills pretty much everyone until we have one Girl left.

She runs, hides and...

...is grabbed by the killer.

She...does something.  Judge for yourself by this shot below.

We see her the next Morning and she says that the Killer is dead, but there's no body.
That's it.
The End.

Oy, where do I begin?

This thing is so stock that I need to make soup out of it!  There's nothing new here- at all.

It's a cliche Story with nothing Characters and nothing out of the ordinary.

By 2010, we've had literally hundreds of Slasher Films, including ones that satirize the Genre to various degrees of success.  Did we need another cheap, nothing-to-see-here Slasher?

There's no irony.
There's no twist.
There's barely any payoff.

It's not so good that you need to see it or so bad that you need to see it ironically.  The Director had, by this point, made 6 other Films- not that you could tell.  He's gone on to make- I s**t you not, 118 more in the ensuing 13 years.

This is a Film so bad that they can't do fake Newspapers right...

A Film made with no hook, no irony and no excitement.  Yea.

Holiday Flix: Nice Girls Don't Explode (1987)

 Love is in the air...or is that Gasoline I'm smelling?

This is Nice Girls Don't Explode, a 1987 Comedy that is quirky as hell.  It's so quirky that I can just picture the Director dressed as a Mime the whole time.

The Film is about a young lady with arrested development due to her mother keeping her from boys.  The girl is convinced that she summons fire when she's, well, horny.  It was nice of you to mix the Plot of Firestarter with the Characters from Carrie.

The Writer and Directors well, didn't do a whole lot of note Film-wise outside of this.  The Actors and Actresses were in Films throughout the 1980s such as Real Genius, Valley Girl and The Outsiders.  I need to review that someday, don't I?

To find out how this weird little tale plays out, read on...

We first see our Characters when the Boy and Girl are both young, with the girl's Mom not letting her be around him.

Years later, the young lady is going out on her first Date in a year.

Can you tell?

At her date, fires break out everywhere when she gets excited, be it from the guy touching her or just paying her attention.

He makes one last attempt to make it work by kissing her...and his car explodes in flames!

So that means no second date.

We soon find out the reason for the fires- her Mother.

She conspires with a man named Ellen- played by Wallace Shawn!- to gaslight her daughter into never dating any man!

At a Gym, - doing Aerobics, since the '80s- she meets the boy from the beginning.

He's now grown up and is working towards a Ping Pong Scholarship.
Is it between him and Forrest Gump?

Naturally, sparks fly.
Yes, that was a pun.

They have a date and Mom can't manage to set off some fire where they are, so Aptril thinks that all is well.

Cut to an unseen date- we see her leave and then later arrive at home via Fire Truck- where she gets it right that time.

Is this romance doomed?

Mom keeps scheming as Andy's half-baked plans continue to almost work...and then fail miserably.

Framing him as a sex fiend should do the trick, no?

He makes a big, bold move...that doesn't exactly work out.
The Mom saves him and, in the process, drops the remote for all of the explosives she set.

Chekhov's Pyro pays off and the truth is revealed.

Mom tries one last plan- try to convince them that April will literally explode if and when she has sex.

Unsurprisingly, they don't buy it.

However, Ellen falls in love with April- after meeting her once- early in the Film and plants a bomb in the house when he sees her with Andy.

It blows up, but this is a Comedy, so nobody is actually hurt.

April and Andy try to trick Mom one last time...but she's too smart for that.

She lets them get together though and they all live happily ever after.  The End.

A silly, but mostly quite fun Film.  As I said in the Introduction, the Film is *really* quirky.  The Songs, the Acting, the Writing- all of it.

If that's not for you, this Film is NOT for you- at all.

For fans of it, there's a lot to enjoy.  It's about one step away from being a live-action cartoon, what with the Writing, the pratfalls and how people get 'scorched' but never really hurt by explosions or fire.  Some effects are pretty much right out of Looney Tunes.

If you're really sensitive about Cats, there's allot of jokes about the Cat being in peril.  It- like everyone- is never really hurt, but there are many bits you probably still won't like.

Like Wilder Napalm, this is a silly Comedy about fire and romance.  Its heart is in the right place, even if its tone is all over the map.  I do love how the Credits are made out of a Scrapbook though.  Kudos.

I hope you got whatever love and affection you desired today.  Just don't gaslight your kids, folks.