Tubi Thursday: The Million Eyes of Sumuru (1967)

 This is the best and worst kind of Film to cover for Women's History Month.

It's some classy, dated '60s fun with...

An evil woman named Sumuru runs an organization made up of Lady Spies, Killers and Saboteurs.

They do dress nicely though.

Their plan is...well, it's to take over the World.

If you're looking for nuance and subtlety, a Harry Allen Towers Film is not the place!

Never mind that this is (loosely) based on a tale by Sax Rohmer, the man who 'blessed' us with Fu Manchu.

Our Heroes are dragged into this when the Assistant of a Foreign Agent (who was working for Sumuru) falls in love.

Her brilliant plan- back up towards the water.  Guess how that ends.

Don't worry about that Agent, by the way, he's dead 5 minutes later and never mentioned again.

The spies- George Nader and Frankie Avalon- are, well, terrible and get found out right away.  They literally discuss their plans in a Nightclub RIGHT NEXT TO SOMEONE.  Guess who they work for.

In spite of that, Nader ends up working for Sumuru after being captured...as part of a plan to stop her.

Meanwhile, he's oblivious to the fact that one Agent who immediately threw herself at him during his attempted break-in was killed for it.  Whoops.

Can they save a foreign President (a dubbed Klaus Kinski) from Sumuru?
Will she settle on a real plan for world domination?
Will any woman in this Film not immediately try to have sex with one of the Leads?
Did Nader pay her to do this?

Poor Nader is relying on Frankie Avalon to save him...so good luck with that.

To find out how this ends, stream the Film now.  It's...something.

This is...pretty, but dumb.  Insert Blond Joke Here.

Seriously though, Films like this and its Sequel- The Girl From Rio- are pretty easy to summarize...

Exotic Locales
Cocky Male Leads
Lady Spies
Silly Science
Light BDSM

If you watch a Film like this for nuance, Character Development or a great Plot, you're watching the wrong Film.  You watch a Film like this (see Wonder Women, as well) to see Men getting hit on by every woman, lots of gunplay, some place that would be neat to go on Vacation and a Plot that won't make much sense.

If only there was some more fun, enjoyable way to enjoy stuff like this...

A

My Crazy Youth: The Random, Final Time Morbius was on 'Spider-Man: The Animated Series'

 As Morbius finally comes out this weekend, let's look at his last appearance on the 1994 Series.

It sure...happened.

At this point, you have to know what's happening everywhere else (as it is way more important than Morbius' story here).

Spider-Man is sent to 'Battleworld' by The Beyonder, who wants to prove whether or not Good or Evil would win.

He's allowed to summon a small contingent of (not licensed to other Channels) Heroes- the Fantastic Four, Iron Man, Captain America and Storm (who was the only X-Men Actor who lived locally, so she was cheap enough to hire).

How does this relate to Morbius?

Well, we suddenly cut to Morbius, Black Cat and Blade in Europe tracking down the latter's evil Vampire Queen Mother.

The guys get trapped and held down by her Vampire henchmen, but it's part of their plan as Black Cat drops down and grabs the Queen.

Unfortunately, that's when Spider-Man decides to use the now-fixed Teleporter to bring her to Battleworld as well.  You know, the thing that had a limit in the last Episode.

She gets zapped there, leaving the duo behind.  Whoops.

The Episode plays out with her annoyed, but eventually happy to work with Spider-Man.

You see, she has a random connection to Captain America (long story) and the Red Skull, so she wants revenge.

In the End, she kisses Spider-Man and proclaims him to be the best Hero.

As for Morbius and Blade, we see them at the end outside of the Castle.

Did they defeat the Queen?  Who knows?

In the final part of the Secret Wars Trilogy, we are told that everyone but Spider-Man would have their memory of this erased.

We don't actually SEE Black Cat reunited and this leads into the final two Episodes, so...no closure.

-----------

What a random and pointless final appearance.  This was just to set up Black Cat for her mini-Arc on this Episode (which already has like 12 people in it).

What a waste.

I legitimately forgot that this even happened and I grew up on this Show.

Would the (cancelled) next Season have done more with them?  Who knows?

Oh well- enjoy his Arc on Ultimate Spider-Man, I guess.

Hopefully the Movie is good and actually leads to stuff, unlike this send-off.  Here's hoping!

Quick Reviews: Bloodshot (2020)

 As we (sort of) coast out of this whole Pandemic thing, let's look back at one of the last Films to get released before everything shut down.

Will I get my $1 worth with...

A Soldier- Vin Diesel- comes back home with his fellow Soldiers after a long mission.  His happy wife gives him the old 'welcome back' treatment.

What could go wrong?

Strangers attack and kidnap them, led by a crazed madman who dances to 'Psycho Killer.'

You're really going to make me complain about a Talking Heads song being used in a Soundtrack, aren't you?

Damn you, Diesel!

His Wife is killed and he wakes up in a fancy Facility run by Guy Pearce, who's definitely not the bad guy.

In a big old exposition dump, we learn that Pearce's company has made cybernetic implants/limbs for soldiers, but first got the ability to revive one from the dead with Diesel.

I guess if you have to pick one...

While learning about his new gifts- his blood is made of nanites, so he can heal and has super-strength- he regains some of his memories and remembers who killed his wife.

Time for some mumbling-fueled revenge.

His nanites allow him to basically do everything, including tracking down a convoy via the internet so that he can set up an elaborate trap involving turning over a truck full of flour.

I guess he Googled 'Trucks that ship flour' en route.

He proceeds to take everyone out with the 'keep shooting me until I kill you' strategy that has served Draculas well over the Decades.

Of course, there has to be a Plot Twist (or two) at the 45 minute mark.  

What path will these lead him on?
Is Guy Pearce not actually the villain (he totally is)?

To find out, stream or rent the Film.  For $1, I could do both.  Yea me.

It's kind of dumb.  The Film actually tries to do a 'have your cake and eat it too' thing here.  They have someone point out how over-the-top the first part is.

That's nice- you still did it.

The Movie is all kinds of dumb and is definitely weighed down by Vin's performance.  He's just a mindless killing machine, which only works so much.  When he has to show emotion, he...he can't.  He can be mad, but when they try to make him act nice, it's...not realistic.

The Film has alot of flash, but not much substance.  It gets close on many occasions to touching upon a real message.  So close.  You almost got it!  Nope, never mind.  

If you like Vin Diesel and lots of silly action, it's for you.
If not, be prepared to make this face for a while.

A pretty nothing Action Film that's notable for being the last Theatrical Film before the Pandemic shutdown.  Will it stand the test of time?

New Streaming: Creepshow- 'Queen Bee'

 Let's keep rocking on with Season 3 as we look at the second half of Episode 1.  This is...

3 teens discuss their favorite singer Regina, who just so happens to be both in Town and about to give birth.

I suppose telling us the story of a week ago where nothing happened would be less exciting, so I'll excuse the convenience here.

One of their Moms is a Nurse from the same Hospital (another coincidence) where she's delivering.

They use her badge to get in, but aren't happy with what they find...

What the heck is going on in the Hospital?  
What's up with these Doctors?
Did you catch all of the subtle- and not so subtle- clues?

To find out, stream the Segment.

Without SPOILERS, I can say that this is pretty darn good.

It's a simple premise- people discover freaky secret and try to escape.  No reason to reinvent the wheel here.

The Acting is nice and realistic and the choice to use an empty Hospital gives it an appropriately-unsettling vibe.  I'm sure it saved on the Budget too.

Thankfully, they used the Budget they had in the right places to make the finale oh so freaky and oh so memorable.  It's some good Body Horror with the usual Creepshow twists.

If you still haven't seen the Show yet, check out.  It can't be worse than you're...expecting?

I stand by that pun.  

See you next Segment!

Bonus Post: The Bonkers Cast of Ed Wood's 'I Woke Up Early The Day I Died' (1998)

 So I had a problem when covering my 6,500th Post- too much content!

I had to talk about the Film's Plot to summarize it (as much as you can).

That left no room to talk much about how random and bonkers the Cast for this thing is.

Pick the most oddball people you could to be in a 1998 Film made in Los Angeles and see how many ended up in...

Aside from Billy Zane (again- a year removed from Titanic), you get lots of Genre Actors, rising Stars and random-ass people.

For instance...

Bud Cort (from Bates Motel) as a Shop Owner who has clothes stolen, but keeps the high heels.

Taylor Negron plays a Cop in the Street, while Andrew McCarthy plays a Cop in the Cemetery.

Other Cops include Conrad Brooks- naturally-, Character Actor Mark Boone Junior (aka the guy Batman says 'Where are they?!? to), Wings' Steven Weber and Leif Garrett!

Let's throw in Rick(y) Schroder too, since it's the same year that he joined NYPD Blue.  I guess he transferred.

One big missed opportunity- YET ANOTHER Cop is played by Brent Hinkley, who played Conrad Brooks in Ed Wood.  So, of course, he doesn't interact with the *actual* Conrad Brooks.

The Funeral Scene brings us Twin Peaks' Carel Struycken and....

*As noted in the Review, the Film uses the Music from Psycho, which makes getting the lady from The Birds extra funny to me.*

Another famous 'That guy!' shows up in the form of Will Patton (most recently the good Cop in Halloween Kills and The Forever Purge)

The Family he targets from said Funeral includes the aforementioned Actress, John Ritter and Sandra Bernhard, who gets an abrupt off-screen death.

Throughout the Film, we get some young Talent appearing here to do basically nothing...

River and Joaquin's Sisters Summer & Rain play Bartenders, while the latter also subs in for a role that they somehow didn't/forgot to fill.

Tara Reid is seen briefly in a Nightclub.  Insert Joke Here.

Christina Ricci- in her I'M AN ADULT NOW phase- is a young Prostitute.

As far as more respected, older Actors, we have a few to note...

Besides Ron Perlman (who served as my Stinger), we have Eartha Kitt.

We also have Karen Black (who works alongside Dana Gould) at the Carnival.

Last, but certainly not least in terms of historical importance, we have Vampira.

She...just kind of sits in the Lobby reminding me of Carolyn Jones in Eaten Alive.

I'm glad she got a part in Ed Wood's 'last Film,' but could she possibly do something?

Oh and here's a fun one- Johnathan Taylor Thomas (aka the middle Son on Home Improvement) is the kid (alongside Rain Phoenix) who finds Tippi's body when it lands.

I can see why he turned down being in the Show's finale if he had juicy roles like this.

Anyone NOT in this Film?!?

Tubi Thursday: Lady Frankenstein (1971)

 As we are in Women's History Month still, let's cover a lady-themed version of a Classic Tale.

This is...

This 1971 Film comes to from a number of people, including Corman Alumni Mel Welles, a member of the Vanderbilt Family, the uncredited Co-Writer of Silent Rage and Roger Corman himself (who paid off the remaining Budget in exchange for U.S. Distribution).

The Plot- the Daughter of Frankenstein (played by Joseph Cotten!) visits him and wants to join in the family business.

The ever-busy Frankenstein says 'no,' so she just shows up as he works on a new body anyhow.

It doesn't seem to succeed...

…until it does.  It ends poorly.

The creature kills him and escapes.

This- and the future murders- draws the attention of an investigator- Mariska's Dad Mickey Hargitay- in the area.

Sparks fly between Ms. Frankenstein and her Dad's Assistant, but there's a catch.

She's attracted to his mind, not his body.  Been there, bud.

Her solution- kill the mentally-feeble Houseboy and swap brains.  Naturally!

The plan goes off without a hitch.  The End.

*

*

-peeks out-

*
*

Not buying that, huh?

You know what happens.  Big fight, villagers with Torches, sex scene.  The End.

A pretty nothing Film, save for a few flourishes here and there.

The problem- there are ALOT of Frankenstein Films and this was still the case back in 1971.  It was just hard to find a new hook, even then.

Hell, the Female Doctor angle wasn't even new- we already had 1958's Frankenstein's Daughter and 1966's Jesse James Meets Frankenstein's Daughter.

In the Film's defense, the Acting (mostly Cotten and Hargitay) is enjoyable.  The Story twists and turns aren't unique, but they're fine.  Having things build up to two monsters fighting (and the other not being a Werewolf or Dracula) is a nice tweak.

All in all, Lady Frankenstein is decent, but nothing memorable.  My copy on Tubi was pretty poor, but there's also a Blu-Ray.  That...might help, but it also might hurt some people to be seen in HD...

This Lady is worth watching if you're into the trashy stuff.  Just don't put much effort into looking for it over other stuff.

4,600th Post Celebration: The Ed Wood Film Made...in 1998?!?

 After some slowdown and other nonsense, we've hit 4,599 Posts, so it is time for the...

To celebrate another numerical milestone, how about a weird gem out of my extended digital collection?  For all of the weird stuff I own on physical media and that I can stream through the 642 Services, I have a number of Films that are purely-digital.  They either don't have a release (like this one- outside of Germany) or it is so out-of-print that I can't be bothered.

So how did we get an Ed Wood Film in 1998?  The man died in 1978!

Well, one of his unproduced Screenplays (that thankfully wasn't Porn) got discovered and a one-time Director decided to shoot it as-is. 

The problem- the Script apparently didn't have Dialog yet.
The solution- don't add any.

Yep, this is a 'Silent' Film in 1998, although you get screams and voices in footage they spliced in (I'll explain later).  So how do you explain a Plot without Dialog?  You'll...see.

A crazy man escapes from a Sanitarium by stealing the Nurse's Uniform.  Check off 'Dressing in Drag' for your Ed Wood Bingo Card.

Of course, he abandons the outfit quickly, so it's not a lifestyle thing.

Also that's Billy Zane, a year after Titanic.

The Film having no Dialog means that it plays out like segments in a Silent Film.

They also changed none of the info in the Script, so you get stuff like 45 cent hot dogs in Los Angeles.

The desperate Zane robs a Bank, but isn't stopped by the Keystone Cops.

Instead, he shoots the Teller after he draws a gun and somehow misses by a mile 4x.

He runs away.

It's funny, because...he just killed that guy?!?

The Film does this odd bit throughout which is both creative and annoying- the fun combo!

We learn that Zane hates loud noises- who likes them?- and we learn this via Educational Short Footage spliced in.

It's kind of funny.  Once.  Only once.

Since we have no Dialog, the Film does this 'cute' thing where it just shows the Script notes on Screen.

It's literally the definition of Tell, Don't Show...but it also Shows...I guess.

My brain hurts.

Hiding out in a Cemetery (as one does), the man loses his stolen money.

He thinks that the people at the previous day's Funeral stole it, so he tracks them down by reading the Script (basically).

He tracks them all down to various Locales- like a Burlesque Club, a far-away House and a Carnival- and kills all but one of them.

He's stopped from taking out Tex (Jon Ritter) by the Carnies.

He flees from them and the Cops (all played by the most random of Actors and Conrad Brooks).

He goes back to the Cemetery, finds his money and falls into a grave, where he dies.

Crime never pays.  Neither does doing a Film without Dialog based on something half-written 20+ years earlier.  The End.

This...could have been good.  It wouldn't have been great, due to all of the hurdles it put in front of itself.

With no Dialog, the Actors do the heavy lifting in other ways.  That leads to Zane being a manic ball of energy that is sometimes fun, sometimes very annoying.  The other Actors are often various forms of deadpan to counter that.  At least it isn't full-on nonsense greeted with more nonsense.

The Cast for this is so weird and wacky that I'm doing a 2nd Post on it.  Cheap plug.

The Film is best described as a silly piece of Pop Art.  It has canned Music- from Psycho-, weird interludes, a goofy Plot, old-timey footage to be ironic and lots of silly Acting.  It's not meant to be taken seriously, so why bother?

As for Ron and I, we watched the whole thing for you.  How was it, Ron?

Bad...but in a way that some will like.  It would be a fun Short Film.  It's 80 minutes long though.