Italian Morte: Cemetery Man (1994)

 As a warm-up for Halloween, let's face off with death and love.  This is Cemetery Man aka Dellamorte Dellamore.  The Title translates to 'Of Death, Of Love' in Italian.  Yeah, I would go by Cemetery Man too.  The Film comes to us from Michele Soavi, the man who made The Church and Demons 4: The Sect.  He also was a Second-Unit/Assistant Director on a number of Classics like Tenebrae, Demons and Phenomena.  The Film is based on a Comic by Tiziano Sclavi, who created Dylan Dog.  That means something to like 5 of you, I know.  The Plot involves a Cemetery that has a problem- people keep rising from the dead.  It's Caretaker has a simple solution- just shoot them.  The whole thing gets weird- yes, that part was normal- and, well, I'm going to try and make sense of this.  Rupert Everett is here as a quirky bad-ass before he got famous for being Gay Best Friend in My Best Friend's Wedding.  Nice one, '90s!  Is it good?  Let's wait for this to come back to life(ish) and find out...

A man- Everett- works as a Cemetery's Caretaker.

People come back as Zombies.
He shoots them.

Enjoy the fun while it lasts.

He falls for a mysterious woman- not named- and they have sex in the Cemetery.

What could go wrong?

She dies.
He's sad.

His sidekick, meanwhile, can only say one word- 'Gna.'- falls in love too.

A woman was in love with a Motorcycle Guy and gets killed, but comes back as just a head.

Young love.

Things get worse for Rupert when his lady love comes back as a Zombie and it turns out that she might not have been dead when he shot her.

Does that really matter?
No.

Death itself/himself/herself confronts him and tells our Hero to stop killing its Zombies.

Why not kill people instead?

That's not encroaching on Death's territory...right?

He does so, spurred on by losing out a few love interests- also played by the same lady.

One fears sex...until she gets raped...and now loves it.
Another is a prostitute, so he kills her.

Morals!

Upset about that (and other stuff), he decides to leave the Town and escape, you know, the murder charges.

The car crashes and he plans to kill his buddy to save him (even though he's not buried in the Cemetery that brings you back to life as a Plant Zombie).

He can't.

His friend can now speak and he can't.
They are now apparently inside of a snow globe St. Elsewhere-style.

Huh.
What?
The End.

So, um...what?  Seriously, WTF?!?  Cemetery Man is weird.  Cemetery Man is wacky.  It's sometimes fun.  It's some times bleak.  It has lots of people dying.  It has lots of Zombies second-dying.  It is never boring.  It's also never, you know, all that logical.  There are many, many questions to be asked. 

I want to love it.  I...can't exactly make enough sense out of it.  It's...I don't know.

Am I dumb for not liking this?  Oh well.

Now I just need to get ready for Halloween.  Anyone got like $40,000 and Zombie Stan Winston on retainer?

Next up, I'll cover something.  Hey- you're not my Boss!  Stay tuned...

Tubi Thursday: The Curse of the Living Corpse

 A silly Plot, lots of Characters and a lady from a famous Film?  I'm sold...

A family mourns the loss of a patriarch.

Of course, they are all about that money.

Was this even a cliché in 1964?

The Lawyer explains that they must abide by the Father's wishes, which are mostly about making sure he's not buried alive.

He also reads from the will where the Father vows to kill them in the manner they fear most if they don't.

Note to self: updated will.

As you can guess, the murders begin to occur.

Hey, on Chopped, they do judge you for plating, so...good work.

Can a Detective solve the case before nobody is alive to claim the inheritance?

And no, this is sadly not Victor Buono.

Among our Cast is a young Roy Scheider, so I'm sure rooting for him.

He's actually the Jerk Sibling a la Chris Evans.
The odds of him watching this for reference are low, but now you're picturing it, aren't you?

Among the possible victims is also Candace Hilligloss, most known for her Lead Role in Carnival of Souls.  This is her 2nd- of two- major Films.

Who will survive?

To find out, watch the Film.

A pretty by-the-numbers Film.  To be fair, it isn't bad.  The Acting is fine.  Nobody is great, but they all deliver a thorough performance.  The Staging is just the right amount of melodramatic.  You don't expect this kind of Film to be subtle or nuanced.  The Plot is fine.  The whole 'Will Reading' Scene is truly ridiculous.  How messed up are you to write out how you plan to kill your Family if they don't do what you ask?!?  That guy sure was crazy, no?  The whole basis for the Plot here is kind of bonkers, if you think about it.  On top of that, the Film is about as subtle as a flamethrower when it comes to laying out everything that is going to happen.  It's ridiculous, but fun.  The Film is just the right amount of archaic (as it is nearly 50 years old) to be enjoyable too.  For instance, it's set in 1892.  Why?  Does it add anything to this Story?  No.  The whole thing is enjoyable, but not that memorable in the long run.  Now don't feel too bad for Candace- she's got a ride home...

A pretty decent Film, albeit one that offers nothing new.  If you like the Masked Men Kills Assholes Sub-Genre though, it's a winner.

Rare Holiday Flix: Halloween with the NEW Addams Family

 Yes, this is a thing.

In 1977, they attempted to revive the Addams Family Show with an update.
That brought the Old Cast (together for the last time), new Jokes and...Color?!?

Yes, the Addams Family is back in this TV Movie/Backdoor Pilot.

Now you can see how tan John Astin was.
Now you can see how odd Lurch looks with more visible detail.
Now you can see...how old Jackie Coogan has gotten.

Anything else?

We get a pretty simple Plot at first.

Gomez is called away by his Lodge Brothers, so some bad guys make plans.

Nice and concise?

Not so fast!

You see, the NEW Addams Family features a NEW Pugsley and Wednesday, who are creatively-named Pugsley Jr and Wednesday Jr.

Yes, THIS family just repeated names for their kids.

The other kids show up at about the halfway point...and don't exactly do much.

Wednesday plays the Piccolo, while Pugsley is now a Witch Doctor.  
Nothing is done with the latter- no joke!

Can the family stop the bad guys who want to steal their fortune?
Can they run the 'Morticia speaks French and Gomez gets horny' joke into the ground?

Did we need a Subplot with Morticia's Mother wanting to fly?
Did we need random Muscle Men?

Will they explain why we need a Fake Morticia and Fake Gomez (as part of the heist) when we already have Gomez's Brother?

This is...kind of disappointing.  They have some good jokes.  Granted- they are firmly-established jokes from the Show.  There's not much new here.  They make the characters into caricatures of themselves.  There's not any nuance here.  I don't like being negative here, but...it's not good.

Seeing the Characters in color is a neat addition though.  All of the Actors try, to be fair.

Other than that, this is about 17 random things thrown together and it's just plain bizarre.  I can kind of see why this didn't become a Series.  Sorry.

A true rarity- no question.  That said, it's...not good.  *snap snap*

New Streaming: Creepshow- 'Public Television of the Dead'

 For all of the love the first part got, the lion's share went to this one.  Let's see why...

At a local Not PBS Station, we see that a group of Shows are being taped.

One is based on Lamb Chop's Play-Along.
Another is based on The Joy of Painting.

The final is based on Antiques Road Show, where a famous guy shows up to sell an old heirloom.

Unfortunately, it's the Necronomicon and, well, things go poorly.

Can Not Bob Ross save the day?

Will the Deadites win without Ash around?

Or are things too far gone to stop the evil infection from spreading across, well, a small, regional market?

To find out, stream the second half of the Episode now.
You still do that, right?

A fun, bloody affair.  The whole Episode is definitely a love letter to- of all things- PBS.  We get a fun riff on Bob Ross.  In this one, he's a Hero with a dark past that rises to the occasion.  We get a weird riff on Sherry Lewis and Lamb Chop.  It's a more obvious joke- she's mean and curses- but it's still fun.  She's obviously there to have bad things happen to him.  Likewise, Ted Raimi is here.  You know what that means.  This is a Greg Nicotero Segment, so you know what to expect here.  The make-up work is great- see below- and they really capture the Evil Dead feel.  This is a nice love letter to those Films and their style.  There's not much more here than a crazy good time.  Do you need more?  Nah.  Now let me put my face on for tomorrow...

Next up, they ruin Bed and Breakfasts for everyone.  You know, besides all of the stuff you already don't like about them.  See you then...

Tubi Thursday: Paganini Horror (1989)

 With everyone thinking about the 'return' of Donald Pleasance in the new Halloween, I might as well do a Film with him it.  This is...

A young girl plays the Violin before going into to chat with her Mother while she takes a bath.
Who hasn't been there?

She drops a hair dryer into the tub, killing her!

Some time later, we see a girl group playing for their Producer.  It goes about as well as it did in Pod People.

Their Manager says that they need something new and fresh.

What's a Singer to do when they can't write a hit song?

If you guessed, pay a guy to write it for them, you'd be right.

Well, not right in this case.  Just right in, you know, most real-life cases.

Instead, a friend of the group- what his relationship is to them is never quite clear- does the next best thing.

He buys an unproduced bit of music by famous Violinist Paganini (that's the guy's name from the Title!) from a reputable Donald Pleasance.

I should also note that this copy is 100% dubbed (not sure if there is a Subbed Version) and that includes Donald.

In one quick Scene, they set up everything with lots of coincidences at play.

They can use the Song, but need a Video.
They know a Horror Director (a la Thriller) to do it.
They need a House to shoot in.
One of them knows about a House.
A different person just happens to know the person that own the House (despite not knowing about the House initially).

Great!

You can guess where this is going (but probably not why).

The Horror Shoot- complete with a fake Paganini as a Killer- goes well until people start dying- see above.

They are also trapped in the House due to some sort of vague magic.

Is it me or do you get a Blade (from Puppet Master) vibe here?

Can they escape the House?  Can they break the curse?

To find out, stream it now.  It's on Tubi...in case you hadn't guessed.

A strange bit of filmmaking from one of my favorite weirdo Directors.  

Luigi Cozzi has plenty of reasons for why he thinks that this won't didn't work.  

In summary, two different Producers (one of whom quit the business before this started), rewritten Scripts and no Budget.  For what it's worth, the Film is kind of an odd, enjoyable mess.  Besides Cozzi, we have the late-great Daria Nicolodi both co-writing this and appearing as one of the Leads.  I don't think of her as a big Star Attraction- since she was mostly supporting Roles in Dario's Films- but you go ahead and give her top billing.  

Yes, she was the Lead in Beyond the Door.  

I'm not going to pretend that this all makes sense.  

One person is both the instigator for the incident, seems to be working for someone else and is then later revealed to actually be in charge.  Why was he pretending to be working for someone else when literally nobody was around then?  The Plot is all sorts of bonkers.  We have an evil Violinist, a cursed House, a Violin with a knife blade that pops out and more.  

At one point, a character is covered in weird fungus, which everyone can just identify as being found on Trees that are used to make Violins.  

As someone who knows random facts, that's still a random-ass fact to drop like its obvious!  Cozzi has made it clear over the years that he liked/likes Sci-Fi and prefers to do it.  

That said, Italy wanted Horror, so he'd give them some weird-ass Horror. 

 As far as his Films go, this wouldn't be my top one.  It meanders a bit in the middle and comes to a strange conclusion.  

That said, it's definitely a bit different and highlights a mostly Female Cast.  

It also has some good, '80s Music in it.  I enjoyed it.  

What about you, ladies?

A strange Film that is high-concept and sort of gets there.  Let's re-sell this idea to Blumhouse and see what happens, shall we?

New Streaming: What If...Thor Was an Only Child (Episode 7)

 Another Wednesday without a new Marvel Show, but I'll make do by talking about the last few.  For instance, this funny little one...

In this Universe, Loki is not adopted by Odin and Thor is raised by himself.

As you can see, he's a bit more loose and care-free...

He still arrives on Earth just like in the MCU proper.

Likewise, two Scientists- but, oddly, not Dr. Selvig- are there to see his arrival.

However, in this Universe, he actually goes to Las Vegas!

Thor brings the party- and lots of aliens- to Earth for a big party.

In spite of her concern, both Ladies find someone to fall for at the Party and take part.

What's the harm?

Concern for what could happen with all of these powerful beings turning Earth into a bacchanal brings out some big players to keep order.

Can order be restored?  Can Thor learn a lesson?

A fun and fresh Episode.  Not every What If... tale- be it Comics or TV- needs to be some grand thing.  This takes a simple idea- remove Loki from Thor's life and what happens- and has some fun with it.  Everyone seems to be having a good time with this one.  For his part, Chris Hemsworth is the biggest of the big MCU Stars- no offense, Mark Ruffalo- to agree to take part in this Show.  With him on board, it really helps.  He plays a fun, care-free Thor that clearly needs some boundaries.  The rest of the Cast do their part- although some have only a line or two- to make this one enjoyable too.  The Action you get is big and bombastic, as we get a face-off that was only teased in the MCU Films.  That's one thing that Animation does for you- frees up the possibility of doing a battle that would no doubt cost millions to do right.  Aside from the bit at the end, this is fun and frivolous.  After some more dour ones before- and to follow- it's a nice change of pace.  Plus, I'm all in for anything to do with Howard the Duck...

Next time, the second-to-last Episode has some big, big moments.  Is it just Disaster Porn though?  See you then...

Poor Bastards of Cinema: ROTOR (1989)

 This one Scene is giving me a whole handful of updates- thanks, terrible Film!

ROTOR is mostly a Robocop rip-off, although the robot is a killer in the vein of a Terminator.
With his burly mustache and outfit, he looks more like one of The Village People though.

In the Film, he's let loose early and pursues a woman due to her (fiancée) speeding.

She flees to an all-night Diner (that is randomly playing footage from the High School's Homecoming at 3am).

Moments later (how long- who knows?!?), ROTOR arrives and enters through the Kitchen too.

The Cook is nonplussed.

For no clear reason, this guy sees what he must assume is a Cop and...tries to stab him...

ROTOR easily disarms the buck-toothed guy and presses his face onto the grill.

I guess he dies- since they just cut away and never address it.

So, in summary, woman flees a murders robot/android...to a public place and someone dies.  Our Heroine!

The moral: don't randomly try to stab someone for something as innocuous as entering through the wrong door.

Next time, the carnage continues as people decide to try and protect this random woman.  It obviously will not end well.  See you then...