Is this the Worst Horror Film Ever? The fact that I can't say 'No' right away is a bad thing. This is Lycan Colony, a 2005 Horror Film. I watched the Rifftrax one, thankfully sparing me from a really bad Tubi Thursday (yes, the UN-riffed one is on Tubi)! The Film is by a one-time (so far) Director. Thanks for stopping at one (for about 15 years), buddy! The Plot is *kind of* about a small Town hiding a Werewolf secret. What a unique idea, says someone who doesn't know what The Howling is. There's both more and less going on here. I don't know if I can *quite* explain/show you how bad this truly is without showing you it in motion. I'll do my best though. The Film stars...well, nobody you'd know unless you live(d) in the area it was shot in. You will sometimes see William Finley Credited as being in this one...but it's actually a different guy named 'Bill Finley' who only appears in this and 2 Episodes of an ESPN Show (as himself). Can a guy named Rob Roy make a Film so bad that I need help getting through it? To find out, read on...
In a Cold Open, some Hunters are killed by a POV Creature. Nothing too terrible so far.
Of course, look at that Title Card above and realize what your fate is.
We then get front-loaded with family drama involving a disgraced Surgeon Dad, a mean-drunk Mom and an Emo Son.
In a weird introduction, the Dad goes outside to put the trash out...when his AA Sponsor jump-scares him to remind him of a Meeting.
Yeah, that's how that works!
The Son sneaks out at night with his Girlfriend, who decides that they should make out in a Cemetery. I mean, that sounds like a sure thing.
She looks up at the (sort of) Full Moon and bites him on the chest, which freaks him out.
Also bear in mind that this is happening simultaneously to the AA Meeting...even though the Morning Light is visible in this part (and not in the later parts).
After said Meeting, the guy takes Dad to a Bar, since you 'can't escape temptation.' He's the best!
They see a pair in the Bar (after spotting the guy's CGI tattoo), who proceed to tell him that they are siblings looking for their missing Dad.
They find that the creepy Bartender has the Dad's watch (complete with inscription added via CGI).
They confront him and he turns into a Werewolf, killing the Brother.
Back at home, the Son is turning into a Werewolf from the bite. He can control himself...for now.
The Sponsor, the Dad and the Sister end up back at the House, where the reunion gets awkward.
The Sponsor reveals everything- he's a Werewolf too, but the Bartender is a bad one who kills humans.
He introduces the Sister to a Lycan Witch, who (after a way too long close-up) gives her an exposition dump on the History of local Werewolves.
It is shown via bad Green Screen effects and this silly attempt to look like Tribal Art as Animation.
The Sister is prepped for the mission, since the pair apparently brought lots of weapons with them. Why not?
This Finale involves sped-up fighting, shots of her in a real Forest and then her fighting Werewolves on an obvious Green Screen.
It even wrinkles as the pair roll around.
They cram in a bunch more nonsense too.
This includes the appearance of the Bartender as a full-on Furry, the return of the Brother (who had his throat cut FYI) as a Werewolf, the Witch helping out and an obvious Chekhov's Gun in the form of a Shock Collar designed for, well, something about the size of a Werewolf.
And yes, they brought it with them...for some reason.
It all culminates in the lady from the Flashback showing up and the much-love Virtua Boy filter being added.
The Bartender runs off, so they blow him up (off-screen) with the collar. Yes, it also blows you up!
The trio of Sponsor, Brother and Sister go on with their lives, while we randomly-learn that the Witch has a kid...and a monkey. Thanks? The End.
It's bad. It's really bad. There are certain levels of bad you might expect here. It's a Low-Budget Werewolf Film by a one-time Director. That bar is set nice and low now. Somehow, they still manage to trip over said bar and embarrass themselves. They use CGI for things that they shouldn't need it for. As mentioned, a tattoo (that only appears twice), a window break (they couldn't fake the stunt) and even a street sign. Did their Town/City not have a good Sign to show? Was there some obscure, local Law about showing it? Could you not do that tattoo with a sharpie? It bears so little impact on things...and its haphazard execution makes it laughable! To add to things, they pace the Film really weirdly. The Action and Plot are real start-stop in the worst way. They also love to introduce Characters that don't amount to much. The lady that turns the kid into a Werewolf doesn't- as far as I could tell- ever appear again. The kid is kept at home and has no bearing on the climax. You were expecting him to help out, weren't you? The Werewolves themselves are pretty bad. They are either shot in a way to make them barely-visible (by design or by bad lighting) or they are shown in their full (ahem) glory. The final Werewolf is, in fact, just a big Furry suit. I mean, if you're scared of Furries, this works. Lycan Colony is an astoundingly-bad Movie in ways that have be seen to be believed. I don't recommend the un-riffed version, but I know that some of you will ignore my warnings. I'll leave you with this shot of Mom tucking in her Teddy Bear...I mean, her Werewolf Son.
Next time, let's find something better. That has to be easy, no? Stay tuned...
No comments:
Post a Comment