SPOILER Theatre: Joan Crawford Double-Feature

I decided to 'dust off' an old segment for some commentary that I've been putting off for a long time.

Svengoolie plays a few Crawford Films, mainly the William Castle ones and/or those that Universal owns/distributes.

After watching two of them, I noticed a pattern...

In Strait Jacket, Crawford kills her husband- a young Lee Majors- with an axe.

Some 20 years later, she's released, but a new series of killings happen around her.

Is she the killer?

Nope- it's her Daughter, who's now crazy herself.  We learn this through some lazy exposition at the end- like all Classic Films!

Next up is Berserk, a 1967 Film of her's.

In it, she runs a Circus.

With everyone scheming around her, Performers start dying in mysterious accidents.

Is she the killer?

Nope- it's her Daughter, who's now crazy.

Yep, this one again.

Mind you, the Daughter appears at the halfway point of the Film (after a murder or two).  They just tell us that she 'sneaked away from School' to do it.

What are the odds that this happens in TWO Joan Crawford Films, let alone two of them made so close together (1964 and 1967)?!?

Lazy writing?
Actor demands?

Regardless, it is a bizarre link, given that otherwise the Films are so different.

Let me know if there's a 3rd JC Film that has this too.

Poor Bastards of Cinema: WXIII- Patlabor the Movie 3 (Part 2)

After an unplanned delay (my bad), we'll get to see the fates of some other poor guys.

At the thirty minute mark, we see the titular creature emerge!

It did so by breaking into a Power Facility.  Along for the trip with our Leads, we get a pair of Security Guards.

Ouch.  He's dead.

Another guard- one is with each Lead- is further away from the creature, so he gets to live a bit longer.

Just not much.

He's done for.

So yeah, they died, while our Heroes lived.

They showed that the Film had stakes...if you were an unnamed Guard.  You get to live if you have a Backstory.

The lesson: only work daytime shifts.  Nothing happens to Guards during the day, right?

Next time, another day, another Cop.  I'm getting accidentally-topical, eh?  See you then...

Lost in Translation: Atlantic Rim- Resurrection

Another attempt to milk some hilarity from an Asylum Film that just wasn't as interesting as it should have been.

How do you make giant robots vs. giant monsters so uninteresting at times?

Leave it to some folks overseas to make things 'pop' in this clearly-copied Poster work...

Aside from the fact that they clearly made him look like an Autobot, this is awesome.

How can you NOT be at least a little bit excited with this one?!?

Bright colors.

Big creatures.

Excited lettering!

This is a win.

Sadly, the Film is less impressive.  Speaking of which, the untouched Artwork...

It lacks some brightness and sharpness, something that may be due to upload issues.  Regardless, I gave it some more shine.

'90s Trash?: Hackers (1995)

The second most-defining Film for '90s kids- just shy of The Matrix.  In 2020, does it still hold up?  It has been 25 years since Hackers came out and alot has changed.  The technology they brag about on their PCs is pretty much dwarfed by a modern Smartphone.  Trends from the Film have come and gone (and come again, as trends do).  Yes, people really did wear as much neon and strange, print shirts as people do in this Film.  If you don't know the Film, I'll go through it for you.  If you do know the Film, you might have forgotten alot of this.  I'm pretty sure I haven't watched this Film since 1995, unless it was randomly on like the USA Network or something.  The Plot involves a group of young Hackers who get targeted by a Government Operative when he needs a patsy for his crimes.  Can they use their skills to save themselves?  Will they drop lots of dated lingo?  The Film is notable for being one of Angelina Jolie's first big Films.  The Lead- Johnny Lee Miller- would marry her after the Film was made...but it didn't last.  Awkward.  Is this a somewhat-forgotten Classic or a silly-ass time capsule Film?  To find out, read on...

A SWAT Team shows up and takes out a Hacker at his House.  He's young and white, so he lived.

In fact, he was 11 years old!

Now 18, the kid (Miller was actually 23) is transferred to NYC's School District since his Parents got divorced.

After being finally free from charges, he...uses his hacking skills to take over a local TV Station to make it play The Outer Limits.

Wait- was he behind the Max Headroom Incident?!?

At a new School, he's rejected by a woman- Jolie.  After she pranks him too, he does the only logical thing- he hacks into the School's Network and transfer himself into all of her Classes.

Showing that he never learned, he does this DURING COMPUTER CLASS.

Also Computer Class.

Their one friend- aka the only one who's actually a Teenager- hacks into a Government Server and accidentally downloads some 'dangerous' stuff.

Enjoy this '90s imagery!

A Tech Security Expert- Fisher Stevens- is called in when they connect the data breach to a Hacker who is threatening some Oil Tankers.

Oh and Wendell Pierce is here too!

As it turns out, Stevens is behind it all.  Gasp.  Shocked expression.

He's doing the trick from Superman 3- skimming the change in Accounts- and made up a fake Hacker to blame for the Oil Tanker Hacking that he actually did, since it made a good cover.

Hmm...I think Shane Black saw Hackers...

Coming together, the titular Hackers first mess with Agent Wendell Pierce to show off and then work to expose the crimes Stevens' crimes and clear their names.

In true movie fashion, the Server Room is a giant place full of glass panels that have 'data' running up and down them.  Even in 2020, they are not nearly that cinematic.

They get caught, but only after they take the information- on a FLOPPY DISK- and their cohort (a 25-year old Matthew Lillard) goes on a Hacker Talk Show to transmit the data across all media. 

I wonder if that Fuji Film Store is still there.

This clears their names and leads to the bad guys being arrested.  The End.

Dated, but silly fun.  Not even counting the technological aspect of the Film, it sure is dated.  The fashion.  The locations.  The style.  That's not really a bad thing, per se, but it does affect the Film.  If you want to see what 'cool' was in the '90s as far as the Counter Culture (or at least Hollywood's take on it) is concerned, it works well.  If you just watch the Film, the dated aspects could be bad.  It's up to you the viewer- you know, like every Film.  There's no forgetting that this Film wasn't made in 1995- that's my point.  I personally have a love for this kind of silly Film that takes everything so seriously.  It is the best kind of cheesy when they don't seem to know it.  Even the marketing is silly, as they 'fake-hacked' the Film's Website to say 'Go see The Net instead.'  Classic!  The Acting is good to decent here, with some people standing out in one way or another.  Some- like Lillard- are just so over-the-top that you have to love them, while Jolie does her best to get smoldering down.  She'll obviously have plenty of practice after this Film!  Her and Miller have some real chemistry, which was obviously evident to them, as mentioned in the Intro.  Stevens is just one top hat and monocle away from being a silly cartoon villain- I love it.  There are also some random Cameos/small parts here, including Penn Gillette and Marc Anthony.  Doubly-ironic is that the 2 Characters that our Leads aspire to be- famous Hackers Razor and Blade- are played by Actors that got nowhere near as famous as them!  If you vaguely-remember the Film, give it a rewatch.  If you've never seen it and didn't live through this period, it is a fun Film to see for just how weird we were in 1995.  Just take one lesson from the Film- be smart.  These guys, for instance, know that they are being watched.  With that in mind, they talk about the hack- and bring the disc!- in the middle of Central Park! 

Next time, I return to Horror when I finally cover the American Remake Series of a Film covered long ago.  It's the one you all know and love- joy!  Stay tuned...

Quick Review: Stuber (2019)

Since Kumal's latest Film is now on Netflix (thanks, pandemic!), I feel like I should look at...the one before that.  This was the first of two Films released under the new Fox/Disney alliance.  Is it good?

In the Cold Open, a Cop- Dave Bautista- tries to catch a dangerous suspect.  Things don't go well.

I mean, that's no SPOILER, since, you know, it is only the Intro...

Stu is a 'worker drone' who is doing Uber to make money for a side business...to impress a woman.

His life sure is going to change.

Dave here has a few things to deal with...

1) He wants to catch the crook who eluded him 6 months ago.

2) He wants to go to his Daughter's Art Show tonight.

3) He just had Lasik.

4) He has to use Uber for the first time (with Stu).

Stu is forced to drive Bautista around as he tries to solve the case and catch the killer.

On the plus side, this Film casts the Lead from The Raid and doesn't waste him.  Looking at you, Star Wars: The Force Awakens.

As you can see, things don't go too well.

With nobody seeming to be helping them and both of them facing big distractions, can they succeed?

Can they put aside their differences and stop the big drug bust?
Will this turn into another Ride Along Film?

To find out, stream the Film or Redbox it.  That's a verb now, right?

Considering the history and the reception, I expected much worse.  The Film does take some getting used to and needs time to grow.  Stu is a bit too passive at the start, making him not always the easiest to root for.  Likewise, Bautista is a bit too aggressive and overcompensating at the start.  Yes, the point is that they grow and evolve.  My point, however, is that you may take some time to warm up to them given how far both are at the start.  The Plot keeps them together without much effort, so good on them.  Throughout the Film, there are some real strong jokes to be found.  It is only when it devolves at times into Bautista being a jerk and/or Stu yelling that it doesn't always work.  It seems to be almost a reflex for the Film.  The pair do make some good chemistry together and I'm curious to see if more comes from this.  It wasn't a surprise hit like Rush Hour or Ride Along, so probably not.  Maybe the stars can align for them to work together in the MCU- we'll see.  Stuber is not as bad as its 'Throw this out since we have to' Release would make you think.  Is it great?  No.  Is it pretty good if you're into darker, more violent Comedy?  Yes.  It also serves up a good lesson.  I just think 'No matter how bad a day at work may be, I'm not this guy...'

A violent Comedy that takes a bit of time to get its footing.  This 'Buddy Cop' does eventually stand out, even if it is just in small bursts throughout.

Millennial Trash: Carnivore (2000)

It's less of a 'love letter' to 1980s Horror and more of a 'ransom note with a severed finger' to it.  This is Carnivore, a Horror Film from 2000 that I bought for a dollar.  I sure get the best Films that way!  To be fair, I got lucky once or twice- like with Street Smart-, but my success rate is pretty low.  The Film is basically about a monster trapped in a House and some people get killed by it there.  That's about it, really.  It has 2 Directors- one with this sole credit and one with about 20 (Short) Films on his Resume.  This is not looking good.  Long ago I promoted the 4K Remastering of Night Trap (which failed, sadly).  Today I see what happens if you tried to emulate it in all of the worst ways.  Is this the good kind of trashy or the bad kind?  To find out, read on...

In 1989, a boring House is used as a cover for a Government Experiment.  We are told this by a dispassionate Narrator who sounds like she's afraid of getting within 5 feet of the microphone.

Seriously, Podcasts have better sound balance than you!

The creature, of course, breaks free.  However, it doesn't leave the House.

A woman- the Narrator- works for the Government and is told about the incident.  She's going there right now...so she'll be there for Act 3.

Said creature is about the saddest looking one you'll see.

The Film compensates for this with barely any glimpses of it, so...enjoy?

In the Main Plot, our 'Heroes' are four 'Teens' who go to the famously-'haunted' House.

Are those even real bricks?

You can guess what happens when two of them break off to have sex.

Right on cue, the Government Agents show up in Act 3.

That POV sure doesn't get better.

And yes, half of the Film is this ugly blue shade.

The title Monster isn't actually that hard to kill, which feels odd.

He kills one 'Teen' and a 'Cop' or 2, but that's it.

...until the aftermath, where our bored Narrator says that he escaped...off-camera...I guess.

Sequel Bait?  Come on!

A pretty nothing Horror Film, even if you consider the Budget and inexperience.  If you have no money, make something creative.  I can forgive many technical issues if you just try for something unique.  Making a generic Monster in House Film doesn't cut it.  I guess it is better than a Zombie Film.  That or a Troma Film.  The idea here seems to be to make a 'modern' (for its time) update of an '80s Monster Film.  The problem is that they didn't make a good or interesting Film- regardless of intent.  The Movie is just kind of dull, poorly shot and hard to hear.  It also isn't that great to look at either.  There are many points where it doesn't have this ugly blue filter and it looks decent.  It takes on said filter at many points when it has to do Special Effects- like a fairly-decent one involving a Cop losing his face.  Oh, so it's just a cheat then.  If a truly great Script was here, I'd defend the Film a bit more from these unforced errors.  It isn't.  I wanted to be able to tell you that they tried their best and made something good.  I love uncovering hidden gems.  This isn't it.  The only thing of note here that has stood the test of time- the Credits Font.  They, of course, stole it from Law & Order though, so no points there...

Next up, I step back to the '90s to relive a Cult Classic.  Will I be able to stop laughing at how outdated the computers are?  Stay tuned...

Lost in Translation: Atlantic Rim- Resurrection

A bad Asylum Film is nothing new.

A silly Foreign Poster is nothing new.

Even so, this one has a few quirks that we have to break down...

Right, so...first off...

1) Is this related to the Film?
What Bridge is that back there?

2) Does this look like the creature from the Film?  No.

3) 'Atlantic Rim: World's End?'

Dios mio- the Film is set in Miami!

If Maynard was still around, he'd probably tell me that he owns this.  Do I miss him?

In any event, this is...just a big 'no.'

Holiday Flix: Daddy (2003)

As we celebrate Dads this day, let's look at one that we shouldn't.  Insert Trump Joke Here.

Sadly, this is much worse...

A random woman is stalked at her Home and attacked by a guy who looks like knock-off Tor Johnson from Plan 9.

He doesn't kill her- he just has his freaky way with her.  Classy.

In a confusing bit, it cuts from that to our Heroine (who is also blond and interchangeable) waking up from a dream.  Did that happen?

Yes.

Confusing, no?

Our Heroine is the Sheriff and she's investigating the case, which grows as another victim (in nearly identical fashion) is had.

Oh and this Film rarely turns all of the lights on (though not as bad as in Psycho Santa).

Were you trying to be atmospheric or just skimping on the light bill to fund the Film?

Our Heroine connects the dots and realizes that all of the victims so far are her friends.  This Town has like 6 people in it and you took how long to figure this out?

It all goes back to a time some point in the past- shot in black and white to be arty- where she overpowered and killer her abusive Dad.

She got her friends to help dispose of the body in an unmarked grave.

After the flashback, she stays with her friend, but awakens to some strange sounds.

She's knocked out and he has his way with the other friend, killing this one too though.

Nobody believes her story- and why would you?- and she ends up a suspect...somehow.  It gets us to the end, so let's go with it.

She escapes a Police Watch- thanks to her Partner- and goes to where the body was buried.

He rises from you grave and attacks her.  She tries to kill him, but fails and...okay, you know what happens.  Gross.  The End.

Dark- literally and figuratively- and not that interesting all around.  I'll give the Film some breaks here.  It is not a big budget Film.  It was clearly made with passion by someone in a small Town with short funds to work with.  I get it.  That said, the Film is dimly-lit, oddly-paced, features so-so Acting and a Plot that goes too far.  The idea of the corpse coming back to life for revenge is not a new one.  Going a step beyond (not One Step Beyond, mind you) to having him, well, you know, the victims is a new, lower level though.  People often thinks of Horror Films as all being Misogynist.  That's obviously not true as a whole, but Films like this don't help the defense.  All of the women here serve one role.  Our Heroine seems like she'll be more, but she quickly devolves into over-acting and meets a gross, dark fate in the end.  To quote MST3K, 'Thank you for joining us for No Moral Theater!'  Yeesh.  If you can get past the grosser aspects of the Film, you can see them *trying* to make something good.  They don't get there, but a C for Effort, I guess.  The Director- Michael P. DiPaolo- has a handful of credits after this, so maybe I can give him another change- I'm just in no rush.  You can debate whether the Film is just trying to be salacious or challenging- feel free.  I'm more interested in this discussion- is this Day for Night or not?  Discuss.

A fairly-cheap, fairly-forgettable Film, save for one aspect.  It's a shame that its 'selling point' won't work for most people.