Tubi Thursday: Demon of Paradise (1987)

 Let's go to The Philippines...I mean, Hawaii for this '80s Thriller.  It's Italian, but distributed by Roger Corman, so you know it's classy...

In definitely Hawaii (for real), a creature lurks in the Water.

It's the Ancient Creature Worshipped as a God Version of this Story.

I guess the dynamite fishing woke him up.

In the surrounding Area, a Resort manages to turn a recent death and talk of a creature into big business.

Here I thought I had the worst hair when you first woke up...

The creature will sporadically show up throughout the Film, but this Film is like 75% B-Plots.

Herpetologist wanting respect.

Sheriff trying to live down past failure.

Small Business Owner endangers lives.

A Drug Dealer with lots of dynamite causes trouble.

Pad that runtime!

As you can see, the folks at the Resort are taking the threat seriously.

Can our Heroes- including the Filipino Police in Hawaii (?!?) save the day?

Well, they've tried shooting the creature, so...I guess keep trying that.

As you can see, this creature is quite dangerous!

Can they stop it?

Well, yes.  

They just need to chase it into a Cave, chase it back OUT of the Cave and throw some grenades.  Easy peasy.  The End.

This one is...alright.  It could be alot more interesting.  The Plot itself is pretty nothing, but it is like 6 different nothings happening at once.  I guess you can't be bored.

The big draw here is the titular creature.  It...looks quite good at first.  Specifically, the head looks good.  Once you get below there, the trouble begins.

The full design is just not sleek.  It's wide in the middle- like the average American-, has a tail (I think, it's not clear), is covered in random seaweed and doesn't move too well.  How did older Creature Features- like The Creature from the Black Lagoon, Island of the Fishmen and Humanoids from the Deep- do it better?

As far as these things go, Demon of Paradise is enjoyable, but there's no subtext or bigger thing to be seen here.  It also doesn't feature the Cover Scene, since A) the woman is topless and b) the woman is not attacked.

Basic Creature Feature stuff here that is still kind of fun.  Just set that bar nice and low, folks.

'00s Trash?: Stealth (2005)

 Ah, what a lovely flashback to my days as a Movie Theater Employee.  Today's Film is Stealth, a 2005 Action Film from the Director of The Fast & The Furious.  This is, of course, not to be confused with 2009's Fast & Furious, which was Directed by Justin Lin.  

Poor Rob Cohen- even your big break is confusingly-hard to attribute to you.

Back in 2005, I was working my first real job at a Theater and remember this one being there.  I had to walk in and out of the Theaters all day- a dream job, to be fair- so I saw all of it in 5 minute chunks over a month.  Good times.

The Plot involves 3 Fighter Pilots and an AI joining their ranks.  Naturally, it turns a bit evil- as they always do.  That Roomba will kill you one day- mark my words!  Can our Heroes- Josh Lucas, Jessica Biel and Jamie Foxx- save the day?  To find out, read on...

The Film begins by breaking the Rule of 'Show, Don't Tell.'

Narration tells us that this is the 'near Future' (2016 according to IMDB) and 3  Pilots were picked to pilot these new Jets.

Was there a less lazy way to SHOW us this or did you forget to Film the Intro?

The trio do some very expensive War Games- no Matthew Broderick or Ric Flair to be found- to show us (and the Military Brass) how good they are with said Planes.

So, if you were wondering where the money to, say, improve Health Inspections in Meat Factories went, you're looking at it.

They get back to find that they have a new member of the team- an advanced AI (voiced by Wentworth Miller).

Also I guess there's a FOURTH PLANE that they didn't know about either.

 
Aren't these advanced Prototypes and they had the only 3?

They take out some Terrorists in Rangoon- which shows off Lucas' rebel spirit and strong piloting- and return to base.

En route, the AI's Plane- and only this one!- is struck by lightning!

This somehow makes it able to learn in a more advanced way, as lighting does.

They are sent to take out more Terrorists- remember, this was made when W. was still President- but there's a problem.

Taking out the weapons would cause radioactive fallout that would affect the nearby Village.

Our Heroes say 'no' to this one, but the AI does not and the Village suffers.

Our Heroes finally get orders to take out the rogue AI after it refuses to go back to Base.  The Commander is reticent.

Unfortunately, the AI has learned quite well and tricks Foxx into firing a missile at a mountain while in pursuit.  He's blinded by the blast and crashes into the rocks.

Yep, we just killed off the Oscar Winner- he hadn't won it when they shot this, to be clear- at the hour mark.

Biel was damaged, so must return to base.  Unfortunately, her ship malfunctions in the wrong place and she must parachute to safety...in North Korea.

Save her, Pulgasari!

Things take a few really odd turns now, so stay with me...

Just 10 minutes of Screen Time after the AI killed Foxx, Lucas and it team up to stop some Russian Jets.
A short while later, they agree to work together to save Biel...and that whole murder thing is forgotten.

On top of THAT, the Commander betrays them all to cover his ass, setting up Lucas to be killed by his men.

He takes the AI- which was to be deprogrammed- with him in the one good jet, the pair flying together like one of them didn't just kill the other's friend THAT VERY DAY.

More shoot-outs- in a Film about Fighter Jets- ensue and the AI sacrifices itself to save Biel and Lucas from a Helicopter.

Oh and the Commander just kills himself off-screen.  Closure.

The dead are mourned as the Credits roll.

What a silly, but pretty fun Film.  It's certainly not going to win any Awards.  Is it terrible?  Not really.  It's kind of what you would expect from a Rob Cohen Film made in 2005- for better or worse.

The Premise- which is often cited as Top Gun meets 2001- is basic enough to work.  The Acting is fine.  Some of them- like Lucas- clearly try harder than others- like Foxx.  When he's not in the Plane, he plays a pretty standard 'cool guy.'  The others at least give more and get more to do as well.

In defense of the Film, the Special Effects mostly hold up quite well.  That said, it's why the Film cost $135 million (around $200 million today).  So, at least the money was well-spent.  There are little bits that don't work- like the CGI Plane not displacing water as it flies a few feet over- but it mostly looks nice.  As a counterpoint, the Film only made $79 million, so maybe it was too much money well-spent.

I should also note that I got the Special Edition DVD from 2005- the only one released to date- and it has a whole Bonus Disc of Features/Music Videos.  I also have the Promo Disc for the Film from Best Buy.  Is that a confusing 'humble brag' or an attempt at Sequel Baiting, like the actual Film does...

Next up, a '70s Action Film Starring...Leslie Nielsen?!?  I didn't buy the VHS, so let's go digital (which is still a VHS Rip anyhow).  Stay tuned...

New Streaming: Ms. Marvel- Episode 3

 As the MCU keeps rolling and opinion on this Show starts to split, let's see what the 3rd Episode has to bring of...

After last week's ending, Kamala learns about the origin of her Bangle- kind of.

There's clearly still more to learn/reveal, but, hey, more Kree are implied to be around.

That sure went nowhere outside of a few projects.  Is this a change?

Kamala is conflicted about being a Hero.

On one hand, she helps people- like the kid last Episode.
On the other hand, she brings unwanted scrutiny to her community.

Can she reconcile this with some help?

Love is in the air as the big Wedding is finally here!

It's all fun...until some bad guys show up.

Why can't they show up when you need them- like to break up awkward small talk on the elevator?!?

Can Kamala step up to be the Heroine her people- and the World- need her to be?

Will she get help?

To find out, watch the Episode.

Another good Episode- I should really find a way to make that phrase sound more interesting.  A problem for another day.

What the Show continues to do well is to ground it in reality.  Yes, it has Djinn.  Yes, there were apparently blue aliens.  Yes, she can make a big, energy crystal fist.  Granted.

In spite of that, the people around Kamala in her daily life make this feel as real as possible.  We learn throughout the Show about how they live, love and survive.  Her Parents go from what seem like broad caricatures to real people who just love their Daughter.  Her friends have real issue to deal with.

The Plot has definitely taken some strange turns.  Based on the vague feedback I've seen (trying to avoid SPOILERS), it sure is controversial.  I guess I'll find out.

In the meantime, enjoy this Shang-Chi Easter Egg... 

Next time, can Kamala deal with the new dangers to her life and family.  Can she become the Hero she's dreamed to be?  See you then...

Immediate Response: Thor- Love & Thunder

 After so many Marvel Films, will their first Solo Film 4-quel deliver?  Let's find out...

The Good

* Gorr is a fleshed-out and understandable Villain.  He's evil in his methods...but you get why he does what he does.  Kudos, Writers and Bale.

* Thor's journey here is great, as he learns to love others and himself.  He's as fun and badass as ever.

* Mighty Thor has an all-too human motivation to become, well, a God (of sorts).  You feel for her during her bittersweet journey.

* Korg.  He's always a good thing.

* The Plot is a fun journey across multiple Planets and Realms which- no SPOILERS- takes some unique turns.

The Bad

* To be fair, Taika leans pretty heavily on the 'Korg Narrates a Story' idea to deal with the Plot.  It's logical the first time- flowing organically into the next Scene-, but not so much the next 2-3 times.  I'm guessing it was a COVID thing?

* Russell Crowe as Zeus is either hilarious or hilariously-bad.  Your taste may vary.

* Marvel made another Character Gay.  This one is just for you Incels out there.

* We are teased with some 'classic Guardians Adventures with Thor' and only get one.  Make it happen, Marvel Animated!

In summary, T:L&T is a fun, surprisingly-deep Film.  It's another Taika Waititi Film, in other words.

'80s Class: True Stories (1986)

 Is it time to stop making sense?  I think so.

This is True Stories, a 1986 Film by David Byrne.  If you don't know who he is, use Google.  Hell, Bing will tell you if you're really desperate.  As of this Writing, it's the only proper Film he's Directed- not counting the 2 Documentaries and Concert Films.

The Film is about a small Town in Texas celebrating a big milestone.  Byrne's Character is both a Narrator and Player in things, which is kind of interesting.  It's a loose Narrative Film.  It's a bit eccentric and quirky.

In other words, David Byrne.

To see how this (so far) one-off turned out and who made it big from it, read on...

In case you needed a better Summary than I gave you in the Teaser, here you go...

Byrne- as noted- is the Narrator and gives a brief History of Texas.

He is next seen driving into Town in a red convertible, something that I'd like to believe Guy Fieri stole from this Film.

The Town is full of random Characters like a crazy Preacher, a Business Tycoon, a Tex Mex Band and others.

The main player, however, is Louis Fyne.  He works at the Factory and he's looking for love.

He's...John Goodman?!?

Byrne meets all of the people in Town, including a strange dinner with the Tycoon- Spalding Gray.

If you ever wanted a Spalding Gray/David Byrne Project, your ship has come in, you eccentric bastard!

We also made the Lazy Woman- Swoosie Kurtz- who will be important later.

She's lazy for not leaving her bed, but the amount of planning to make everything work- like the self-turning books is pretty damn impressive.

The crux of the Story involves a big Anniversary for the Town and a Parade.

Goodman is still looking for love, but finding that he's more complex than other people think.  It's...good?

These outfits, however, are unquestionably good.

It all comes to a head with a big Talent Show for the Town.

We get Yodeling, Singing, Dancing and...whatever the hell this is.

Seriously, am I dreaming this part?

For the final, Louis sings the song he wrote and it manages to be heard by the person that needs to hear it...

...as he marries Kurtz.  All's well that ends well.

Byrne drives away, presumably to help anyone who is in trouble Renegade-style.  The End.

A fun and quirky experience.  Is it a great Film?  It's not exactly a Film in the usual sense.  It's got a loose Plot and is shot on Film, so...close enough.

If you're looking for a normal Film, don't look at a David Byrne work.  It's not what you're going to get.  The closest you'll get is Stop Making Sense, but that's actually by Jonathan Demme.  And yes, it is my favorite Jonathan Demme Film.

That said, there's enough Plot here to feel like a Film.  The bones are there.  It's there to give you a good framework for the Musical Numbers.  It's what you're really here for.

As a precursor to stuff like Waiting for Guffman or other Christopher Guest Films, it's a neat bit of history.  If you like the Talking Heads, it's a good bit of fun.  It's weird and quirky- kind of like how everyone in the '80s apparently had a Robot.

Next time, I jump to a completely-different kind of Film and Decade.  If you all love Fighter Jets, I might as well give you them.  Stay tuned...

Al's Birthday Review: Teenagers Battle the Thing

Bob here. It's Al's birthday again. 

Let's get this over with.

Teenagers Battle the Thing, made in 1958, is a film that would have been perfectly acceptable if it in fact invented the Monster Attack Horror genre. It...did not, so it's not acceptable. What it is is a 59 minute, 29 second film that can't bother to to get its butt in gear and have a plot until about halfway through its run time, and...doesn't really pick up from there.

Heck, it's 6 minutes and 7 seconds until the first character other than a narrator actually speaks. That's more than a tenth of the movie.

It isn't until 25:45 that we get our first shot (other than a very brief clip in the intro set millions of years before the movie's actual plot) of what will eventually be our monster in the general vicinity of our main characters. That's close to halfway through!

This is like if you were watching Captain America: The First Avenger and they only happened to mention that World War II was going on at the hour mark. 

Or if you were watching Thor and the entire first half of the movie was just following the science team slowly taking readings and stuff and talking about Norse history for a full hour, without any sign of thunder god hijinks.

Some movies use a slow burn...with this one, the fire actually went out and no one ever bothered to go check up on it.

The plot...allegedly...is that a high school history or archaeology class went with an archaeologist (who rather resembles Jim Crockett Promotions wrestler Johnny Weaver - I should at least get an ad for Let's Go to the Ring! out of this - on a dig, where they uncovered a sealed tomb, unsealed it (of course), and took a mummy, which came to life and went on a killing spree (of all of one person) until they boldly battled it to the death.

That's...pretty much the entire film, right there. There's nothing deeper than that. 

No characters get any deeper characterization than "teenager" or "teacher" or "archaeologist" or, far too late for the movie to introduce new characters, "sheriff." 

There are no subplots. There are no extra touches. 

There is no personal development, not for a single character.  Heck, there's not even some kind of ham-handed moral lesson.

No, what there are instead is a nearly endless series of shots of people slowly walking around. Teenagers Battle the Thing wants you to watch every...single...step of every...single...journey. 

Apparently, the concept of "editing" did not develop until at least 1959.

Get used to walking shots, folks. Lots of walking shots.

The worst offender is probably the mountain climb leading up to the discovery of the tomb, where not only do we see a simply offensive number of shots of people slowly shuffling their way up cliffs, but they make sure to highlight that they're going to get a climbing rope and proceed to not use the dang thing at all, even on slopes that look quite steep where a rope probably would've been a good idea, until they just happen to find an ancient sealed tomb that they, to be clear, had no idea was there and they finally use the rope. What, was it just a rope that granted +3 to Climbing Skill just for holding it?

..but don't worry, once they get the mummy from the tomb and it revives, the Story doesn't pick up at all!  Instead, we're treated to endless discussions of who will go get soda from the store, every step of a walk from the car to the shed as the teacher shows the sheriff where they stored the mummy that escaped, and every single person hopping over a tiny gap in a grove like its the escape from The Mines of Moria.

When we finally see the monster, it's...not worth the wait.

It's not that interesting stuff doesn't happen in the plot, mind. It's just that it mostly happens off camera.

 We do see the monster break into a house and attack a woman (though we cut away as soon as that actually starts), but we only find out later from the Sheriff that apparently someone shot at the creature later that night. 

Weird line in that part, by the way - the Sheriff notes that the shooter must have hit the creature, because there's blood at the creature's camp in the grove, but then says he must've missed because his hunting rifle would've stopped anything on a hit.

The teacher and the archaeologist warn the town (off camera), and, having decided based on slim evidence that the cop's revolver won't hurt the monster, decide to use a fire trap to kill the creature. 

The cop gives the teacher his gun because the teacher, going into the woods, will need it more. Yes, the same gun we've just established is likely useless.

By the way, the cop ends up being attacked by the creature. Maybe bring more than one (apparently useless) gun on a monster hunt? Possibly?

At precisely 58 minutes, 26 seconds of a 59 minute, 29 second film - so almost exactly one minute from the end - teenagers do indeed battle the thing, as they assist their teacher by splashing gas on the thing and setting it on fire with a flare. 

Arrrgh! Why am I invulnerable to bullets but easily defeated by technology that was readily available in the time in which I originally lived but for some reason never killed me then?

...and then the movie just ends.

So...yeah. It's not quite false advertising, but still, Teenagers Battle the Thing really gives a mistaken impression of the bulk of the movie. It's more like...

Or maybe...

Yeah. Someone bothered to colorize this thing, add about a half hour more of pretty much unrelated filler, and release it under another title, which is entirely more work than it deserved. 

Worth noting that in no way is this creature Bigfoot, but I definitely did feel cursed watching this, so the title's half right.

All told...this was far from the worst thing that Al's made me watch for his birthday, and at least it was short, but...this is barely a movie. 

It's more like 30 minutes of Intro to Archaeology, followed by about 29 and a half minutes of the very basic outline of a horror film that no one bothered to develop any further before deciding, "Yeah, we're done with classwork for the day and I've got my dad's old, beaten up werewolf costume from Halloween 20 years ago, let's go ahead and shoot that."

Definitely, definitely, definitely do not watch this without the aid of the fine folks at Rifftrax. 

Happy Birthday, Al.

New Streaming: Obi-Wan Kenobi- Episode 5

 As the Limited Series nears its end, what more do they have up their sleeves?

Let's see what kind of Jedi Mind Trick they can pull on people dealing with Star Wars Fatigue...

A siege takes place on a Planet as the Empire forces and The Path have a stand-off.

During the build-up, we see flashbacks- is Vader having them or is it Obi-Wan?- with the pair training and Kenobi explaining his Padawan's one weakness.

Keep out of that uncanny valley, guys.

Our Heroes are running out of time to find a back way out of the situation.

I love you, but you're also reminding of The Last Jedi...so be careful.

Reva is leading the charge and, yes, they confirm the Fan Theory about her.

Can she be reached though?
Is she really evil?

Does she have her own motives?

To find out, stream the Episode now.

Another strong Episode that nearly brings things to a close.  The Story continues to grow in scale and also get more personal.  It's easy to do one, but fail at the other.  You can make it a tale of revenge, but it falls flat.  You can make it a grand space battle, but nobody cares about anyone.

In this case, everything begins to come to a head nicely.  The Characters all end up in the right place for maximum dramatic effect- what are the odds?!?

Kenobi's journey from former-Hero to current-Hero is a nice one,  Reva, likewise, gains dimensions as you learn more about her.  She's more than just a new Big Bad.

With only one Episode left to go- no SPOILERS, Internet!-, can they stick the landing?  I guess we'll have to wait and see.

Next time, the final Episode.  It's the end, so...please don't suck.  See you then...