'60s Class: Barbarella (1968)

 Come for the curiosity, stay for the execution.  This is Barbarella, the 1968 Cult Classic featuring Jane Fonda in the Lead.  For starters, every release now seems to call it Barbarella: Queen of the Galaxy, which isn't remotely accurate.  The reason- a 1977 Re-release called it that...and cut the minor amount of nudity to capitalize on Star Wars.

Just a thought: Barbarella: Queen of the Stars would have been better, right?  Plus, it won't make people think of that softcore Emmanuelle stuff from the '90s.

The Film is based on a French Comic and Directed by a French man, so it has that certain je ne sais quoi.  It's also really weird.

The Plot involves the titular character being sent to recover a Scientist.  She's not ready for the danger, but she is ready to change costumes throughout the Film.

To see if she succeeds, read on...

Our Heroine begins the Film by stripping.  If only The Seventh Seal had been so daring!

She's sent by the President of Earth to retrieve Durand Durand, a Scientist who created a dangerous weapon.  Good luck!

To be fair to the Film, Barbarella has apparently only known peace, so she's not exactly equipped for a dangerous mission skillset-wise.

That said, she immediately crashes her ship, meets some children and is captured.  Yikes.

She's saved from some killer dolls- think Feisty Pets- by a guy who's job it is to capture the loose children.

He wants a simple reward- to have sex with her.  At least he's not forward!

She does so- on Earth, they do that fake psychic sex from Demolition Man- and goes to the Planet's lower levels...and she's immediately knocked out.

This does still pass the Bechdel Test, shockingly enough.

She's not captured this time, since it's Pygar, the Blind Angel (Space Mutiny's John Phillip Law).  She needs his help to get to the City, but he's lost the will to fly.

She has sex with him and that does it.  Yep.

They don't *immediately* get captured.  It takes a few minutes after their arrival for that to happen.

She's captured by the Black Queen and her Concierge.

Her punishment- having friendly-looking birds fly around her, which somehow shreds her outfit.

She's saved- again- by Dildano, the Leader of the Resistance.  He's David Hemmings (who I know from Deep Red) and he actually replaced the original Actor- Antonio Sabato Sr.- when he was 'too serious.'

She goes back...and is immediately-captured again.  Yep.

This leads to the infamous Scene where a pipe organ designed to make her um, enjoy herself to death is too weak to kill her.

In case you didn't guess, the Concierge is actually Durand Durand.  She's shocked by this, despite the being she was shown being 25 years old.  

He's not Paul Rudd- he's going to age in that time!

For some reason, she agrees to work with him...and is immediately-betrayed and left to die.

The whole Planet has a dark liquid call the Mathmos running underneath it, so Barbarella and the Queen free it to stop Durand Durand.

They float to the surface and are rescued by Pygar...before the Film just kind of stops.  Okay.  The End.

It's...weird.  It's very weird.  When your Director was supposedly drunk by Noon every day (according to Fonda), that might be a factor.  That or all of the just general drug usage in 1968.

The concept- Female Agent goes to crazy Planet on Mission- is fine.  I just wish they could agree on whether or not she's competent.  In one Scene, she trips over her own feet.  In another, she's doing precise laser shots to hit flying ships.  Pick one.

She's also inconsistent on what she knows.  She's shocked by the guy on the Alien Planet doesn't use the pills for Psychic Sex, but then tells another guy that 'it's only done by Earthlings.'  Did she learn or just forget?

The big draw of the Film is that it's definitely a great Time Capsule for the Period.  The lush colors, the strange vibe, all of the Rear Projection Effects and the barely-lucid Story are all of the time.  For better or worse (I choose better), it's of its time.

If you want to know why the Film looked so good (and weird), look to the Credits to see the Grandson of Auguste-Renoir- Claude- as the Cinematographer.

Next time, I jump from the height of artistic weirdness to something just plain dumb.  Killer Mushrooms are on the Menu!  See you then...

New Streaming: Obi-Wan Kenobi- Episode 3

 Disney is spoiling me with 2 different Shows running (briefly) concurrently.

Let's check out the one who's farthest along first and see how it is...

After learning some bad news and escaping to another Planet, Obi-Wan (now Ben) and young Leia must avoid detection deep in Empire territory.

What are the odds that goes off smoothly?

They kept help from...this thing.

Yeah, whoever said Friendly Mole Rat Man can pay for future Therapy for anyone who stares at those dead eyes for more than a minute.

And yes, it's Zach Braff.

As teased in the Promos (literally on my Title Card), Darth Vader comes into the picture.

As evil as he is, it's cool to hear James Earl Jones again.  Sadly, it's still that weird Computer Programmed Voice thing from Boba Fett, but it works better here.

Also their holograms have gotten slightly better.  Nice.

It all comes down to a big showdown that we've been waiting for.

It's also very, very dark...so that's a shame.

To see how it plays out, stream the Episode now.

A nice Episode that feels like good Character Build-Up and not stalling.  That's a problem that these kind of Prestige Shows often run into.

Why make a good Episode when you can make it 3 alright Episodes instead?

Thankfully, I'm good with the Pacing here so far.  Will that stick though?

Aside from the nightmare fuel that is Mole Man's face, I enjoyed all of the new creatures and sights.  Seeing that Inquisitor Base was nice, especially for people like me who haven't watched the Cartoons (save for The Bad Batch- which was good).

Obviously, the big stuff near the end is great.  Seeing Vader in his prime (so to speak) is great.  Seeing Obi Wan somewhere between his Confident Jedi and Old Jaded Jedi is neat too.  Let's see if he can step up in the future.  Of course, young Leia is also totes adorable and nails the part.

Here's hoping they keep things up (especially because people seem to be annoyed at Episode 4) and get things in sync.  Now who told this guy that we were wearing hats today?  That's not funny.  He looks like a mushroom in that thing...

Next time, some recovery and planning are necessary.  Can Obi Wan be the Hero he needs to be?  See you then...

Poor Bastards of Cinema: Timebomb

 An induction that I've gone back and forth on.
Are they Poor Bastards of Cinema if they aren't good people?

In this case, I'm going with 'Yes.'

In Timebomb, a man who was programmed as a deep cover Agent is accidentally-reactivated and targeted for his knowledge.

Him and the Psychiatrist are attacked in broad daylight and flee into a Theater.
A Daytime Porno Theater.

They try to hide out, but, sadly, there are people in it.

Insert Pee Wee Herman Joke here.

Of course, the bad guys- which include Billy Blanks!- shoot up the place, killing the patrons.

I feel bad...but only a little bit.

They continue to flee from the shooters, joined by another Patron.

Pro-Tip: if they are shooting at the other people, don't follow them.

See...this happens when you do.

So he's dead.

The moral: watch Porn at home like a normal creep.  It's safer.

That was an icky one, no?

Next time, an American hangs out abroad.  What could go wrong?  See you then...

Tubi Thursday: The Jurassic Dead (2017)

 At this point, they might as well have Dinosaurs on that AMC Show.  It couldn't hurt, right?

Of course, this is actually an ultra-low-budget Film from the Director of Tsunambee.  Oh joy.

A Cold Open features a guy trying to kill a Scientist to steal his 'bring things back to life' formula.  He escapes the human-sized Dinosaur puppet.

Next we see him as a College Professor that uses his formula to revive a dead cat (off-camera).

He's fired by his Boss (at Green Screen University, it seems) and kidnapped by...someone.

In classic Tell, Don't Show style, we are TOLD by a sudden, one-time Narrator about how 5 Commandos were sent (by someone we don't see) to capture the same Scientist, who took over the Base (off-camera).  He also says that 2 survived, so self-SPOILERS.

Said Commandos drive by an annoy a quartet of clichés (Jock, Stoner, Tech Girl and Dumb Girl).

All of them end up in the Base.

The group are told via Star Wars Prequel-style hologram by the Scientist (who now is a mix of Darth Vader and Emperor Palpatine).

He's going to unleash his Zombie Gas all over the World (alongside some EMPs that he apparently has).

He unleashes his mini-T-Rex...and it's immediately punched out by the lead Commando.

No, really.

The group wander around, but find out that the gas will turn people into Zombies.  I mean, if it revives dead things, why not...right?  Right?!?

They also take time to make bathroom jokes in the bathroom.  Joy.

At this point, this is one thing- a Dino Crisis Fan Film.
Why not just license that?

It all comes to a head as the survivors try to battle the never-scary T-Rex puppet and stop the gas attack.

Can they?

Should you just read the 2014 Book of the same name instead?

It's free, so see for yourself.

Oh boy, where do I begin?

The Story is not good.  It is cliché-riddled, silly and just plain dumb.  It's not presented well, with narration used as a storytelling crutch.

The Acting is not good.  It's all pretty amateurish, with everyone playing stock nothings.  The Script, as noted, did not help.

The Special F/X are not good.  The T-Rex Puppet looks alright (better than a CGI one by them would), but quickly loses its luster.  The constant, obvious green screen work is bad, bad, BAD.  So fake.

I get it- they had very little money.  When that is the case, make a Film that you can reasonably do.  Don't try to make a Film that would cost $50 million if you only have $50 thousand (give or take).  I encourage good Filmmakers to try...just much better than this.

A silly, kind of boring Film.  It's worth seeing if you want to see how silly and fake a low-budget Film can be.

'90s Class: Bringing Out The Dead

 Is anyone here a Doctor?  This is Bringing Out the Dead, a 1999 Film with Nicolas Cage.  In a recent Interview, he's said that its his favorite Film of his.  Better than Ghost Rider: Spirit of Vengeance?!?  Is it his best?

The Film is based on a Book based on/inspired by a real EMT's struggles with the job.  I can't imagine he was ever *quite* as unbalanced as Cage appears to be here though.  It's a gift and a curse, his Acting style.

A big thing is that this is a Martin Scorcese Film.  Another big thing is that this Film was apparently his ONLY Film from the 1990s to not get at least one Oscar Nomination.  Ouch.  It was also one of the last 2 Films ever released on Laserdisc.  No, I didn't watch it on that (sadly).

In the Film, he is bothered by regret and guilt.  Will he be able to work the dangerous Streets of NYC?  Will he have more regrets before he's done?  To find out, read on...

Cage is Frank Pierce.  He's an EMT and he's a bit on edge.

Weird- Cage is normally a very sedate Character in Films.

Him and his partner that night- John Goodman- bring in a man who barely-survived a heart attack.

The Doctors are going to keep him alive at any cost, while his Family tries to make due.

Cage is haunted by the death of a Patient months ago.  He keeps seeing her face on other people's face on the streets.

He might need to see a Therapist.

A good chunk of the Film involves him narrating over footage of him looking pensive and concerned.

Thankfully, he's not driving during any of these Scenes!

Desperate to finally save someone again, he attaches emotionally to the Daughter of the man he brought to the Hospital.

She was also his Wife in real life at the time, so they do have chemistry.

As he works multiple nights with different partners (Goodman, then Ving Rhames and finally Tom Sizemore), he continues to try and save someone.

While visiting the man who had the heart attack, he begins to 'hear him' and he wants to die.  

Awkward.

Speaking of which, I've got another surprise appearance (well, a surprise to me) by Queen Latifah in a '90s Film.  This time, she's the unseen voice of an EMT Dispatcher.

After earlier meeting a Drug Dealer- Cliff Curtis-, Cage finds him in a compromised position- partially-impaled on a building's spiked railing.

He jumped for 'safety' and didn't land well.  Ouch.

Cage manages to save him, finally granting him the win that he's needed all of this time.

To finally get closure, he checks on the heart attack patient one last time.

This time, he grants his wish and tricks the machine into not seeing him flatline until its too late.

This draws in Carla from Scrubs (no, really).  It's her.

He goes to visit Arquette and lets her know that her Dad died (but doesn't mention his role in things).

He is 'given closure' by the spirit and finally can rest.  The End.

It's quite good.  I can definitely critique it, but it's good.

With Scorcese behind the camera and Paul Schrader adapting the story, you definitely get a good look at 1990s New York City.  It's so realistic that Michael K. Williams appears as a Drug Dealer.  That's not a joke- he's in this!  Presumably De Niro is just off-camera in at least one Scene enjoying some Chicken Parm as well, but I can't confirm that.

Cage is hard to look away from here.  He's both a bit crazy, but also very emotionally-vulnerable.  He goes through different Stages of Grief here, so it's not one-note either.  While I liked Goodman, having him with different Partners did help show the changes as well.  By the end, he's both at peak crazy and coming down from it, while his last partner is crazier than he ever was.

To critique the Film, the structure is a bit random.  It isolates you for so long in and around the Ambulance...but then spends a long time with him on the Street.  Just do one or the other, Film.  The Pacing is also a bit off as the Film feels like its reach its ending...and goes on for like 3 more Scenes.

That said, the Film is very good at establishing a crazy-ass NYC and a partially-broken man trying to help people in it.  It's not always clean and concise...but neither is he.

Next up, I finally escape the 1990s (for a bit).  Let's go to the swinging '60s with some Sci-Fi and lust in space.  Stay tuned...

Impossibly-Familiar Cover Art: Jurassic Planet- Dodo Minion

 During a search for 'Jurassic' Films on Tubi, I came across this Kid's Film.
I didn't pick it, but I had to deal with a case of Deja Vu.

Let's see if you get it too...

Putting aside that bad tagline- a Roar-some Adventure?!?-, do you see what I see?

Do you see it yet?

.

.

.

If you don't, here's the answer...

They MAY have been inspired by that Poster.

Is it a pure copy job?  Not quite.
It's damn close though (and a weird choice for a Kid's Film in 2021)!

For comparison, here's the *slightly-different* Cover for another Film in the Series- The Mighty Kingdom...

…slightly-more different, I suppose.

For one last comparison, there's a less copyright-infringing AND more accurate Poster going around for the FIRST Film in the Series...

Honestly, for a CGI Kid's Film, is this bad?  Why lie?

I don't get it.

New Streaming: Obi-Wan Kenobi- Episodes 1 and 2

 After almost 20 years (thanks for making me feel old, me!), we see what happened to Obi-Wan...11 years later.

I thought it was a Long, Long Time Ago, but whatever.

After an open that will be less awkward when we don't have a School Shooting that week (please let there be a week like this!), we get to see what Obi-Wan is up to.

He's hiding out on Tatooine under his last name, which is somehow a good cover.

In the time since that last Film, we now have Inquisitors, evil Jedi/Sith combos that hunt Jedis(presumably we'll eventually get a Show explaining them)...and might have been them.

So Order 66 left a loophole in to save some Younglings?

One of them- Reva- is out to get Obi-Wan for reasons that we don't know yet.  I'm guessing we'll find out in Episode 5, if these Prestige Shows have a pattern.

We learn that Uncle Owen doesn't want Obi-Wan around.  I guess seeing him just...burns him up.

A mission comes up that requires Obi-Wan to leave Tattoine (aw, we need more Shows and Films set there!!!).

That means digging up his lightsaber.

Question- are we seeing his first attempt at this...or his 42nd?

As Episode 2 ends, he learns a big secret...well, a secret to him.  No SPOILERS.

On the plus side, he got to meet Kumail Nanjiani.  

Neat.

Let's see what happens next...

A good pair of Episodes that sets things up nicely.  It's definitely a bit complicated trying to follow things at this point, with this Show happening in the window between the Prequels and Episode IV, while the other Shows happen after Return of the Jedi.  At least I'm set until we get the Show that's a PREQUEL to the random Story that happens right before Episode IV begins.

Where was I?

On its own merits, the Show tells a good Story.  We see Obi-Wan as a reluctant Hero just trying to survive.  We see a new form of evil making a mess of things.  We see, as always, famous Characters at different ages than we did before.

Thankfully, the somber mood that permeates Episode 1 is lightened a bit in Episode 2.  There are still dark moments, but it's more about moving on than the last Episode.  Once we're off of Tatooine, things perk up- what a shock!

Can Obi-Wan continue to deliver (in spite of arguably-Racist Trolls)?  Here's hoping...

Next time, a big reveal will affect what Obi-Wan does next.  Will he make a big mistake?  See you then...