Sands of Time: Werewolf Hunter

Being a character actor, you can get cast in a broad number of films.  

Take today's example: Julian Sands.  

He's starred as the villain in a kung-fu film (The Medallion), been in a Dario Argento film (The Phantom of the Opera) and even been in serious dramas (The Killing Fields).  

Hell, he's even starred in a movie with talking dogs and Angela Lansbury (Heidi 4 Paws)!  

Speaking of random, here he is as the star of a 2004 horror film based on a real-life Spanish serial killer in the late-19th Century.  

Sure- why not?!?  

I made at least one reader happy when I mentioned in a segment called 'Poor Bastards of Cinema' a while back, but had to admit that I had not seen the whole film- just the intro on Chiller.  

Well, I have rectified that, so here is the review.  Get out your collection of dead girls' jewelry for my review of...

The film begins with some random death, Julian Sands and a bird getting killed for no reason.  

Oh, you want context?  

Well, Sands is one of the few people that can write...apparently and takes down a man's dying wishes.  About halfway through, he fakes the whole thing, goes with the woman and her kid and they die.  

This seems completely unrelated to me- what about you?  After the credits, we meet our main cast.  They include a nun/mother, a young girl who never talks and a chick who really wants to be Scarlet Johansen.  

Let me just pause for a minute to check IMDB to see how well that worked.  

*One minute later*  

It didn't work out well.  

Anyways, the town they live in is under siege by rampant gangs of wolves that are killing people.  Yes, wolves- nothing else.  I get that they're scary-looking, but they aren't the devil!  After a bit, the woman and the young daughter move to a new town with Sands, leaving the adult girl behind.  She takes it badly.  

Out in the woods, the woman goes off to bathe in her old-timey underwear while, Sands is alone with the girl. Yeah, she dies, but only after they kill another bird.  You guys hate birds and wolves, don't you?  

By the way, the woman dies too & we see Sands wake up in the woods naked and covered in mud.  Hmm.

Back in town, our heroine is just getting used to living alone when she gets some bad news.  

It gets a little more manageable when Sands returns to help her out.  Of course, by help her out, I mean fondle her in a dress and rub her down in a bathtub.  

Wow, you're nice and creepy there, Sands.  Although, as a counterpoint, boobs.  Eventually, she is given a necklace that is actually the one that the sister had.  

For a serial killer, you sure have a bad memory!  

He also has a collection of the stuff, making things look really bad for her.  She had to be thinking- 'God, someone shoot me!'  Thankfully for her, someone does just that- although she wasn't the target.  The shooter turns out to be a weird, bald man who is trying to protect her from Sands killing her.  Just to note: your method sucks!  

Eventually, she ends up in a wagon that's on fire before the man saves her.  Now armed with the truth about Sands, the young woman goes on the trail to find him. 

The mystery man from earlier gets caught as well, confessing to killing people alongside Sands when they were both werewolves.  

The film also treats us to a transformation sequence that has zero impact on the film.  Thanks, guys.

Now that we have a strong heroine, let's do something with her!  

Alongside the investigation team, the woman tracks Sands down, following every lead and finding the bodies left in his wake.  Yes, people can have 'wakes' too!  

They finally catch him in a field during a scene that's oddly funny.  He looks over at her, has an 'oh shit' look and runs.  They catch him and take him for trial.  

Fortunately for him, a crazy doctor is obsessed with proving that people can lose control.  Thank you, silly sub-plot that finally amounts to something!  

After listening to Sands talk about the murders while in a field, he is convinced that Sands' killer is a victim of lycanthropy.  

Of course, he means that Sands 'thinks that he is wolf,' as opposed to actually turning into one.  I got your 'junk science' right here, mister!  

This whole thing angers the woman, who struggles to decide how to handle it.  She confronts Sands in his cell and has a realization: Sands is insane.  

There's no point in killing an insane person because...she just stabbed him, didn't she?  He dies.  

The End.

This movie...is actually pretty good.  

The story is interesting at times, the setting is strong and, of course, Sands is great.  

He really makes the role work, alternating between charming and intense.  He nails all of the creepy aspects very well.  The other actors are a mixed bag.  

The doctor is good, but the other killer tries a bit too hard at times.  I can't stand to see grown fat men cry either.  

Unfortunately, the title is a bit of a tease, as there are no werewolves here.  

Seriously, why did they put in the 'transformation' scene if it literally never happened?  

It's just like 'let's put it in the trailer- why not?!?'  

The movie does drag a bit at times because Sands takes time away from it.  This builds up his return well, but he's still missed.  

If you can accept that there are no wolves, you can enjoy this period horror film.  If not, you're missing out.  

Oh well.

Next up, I finally watch and review the prequel to a famous Takashi Miike film.  Oh wait- this is actually the prequel to the prequel.  Stay tuned...

Impossibly-Cool Cover Art: Cyclone

Rene Cardona Jr. was nothing if not a showman.  This shows in his poster work, even if it doesn't always in his films.  This film, for example...

A raft, a plane, shark.  Is that some sort old timey rhyme?  Either way, I seriously doubt that Cardona's stock footage of sharks ever do this in the film!

Next up, just when I thought I was out, they pulled me back in!  That's right- another Jaws rip-off.  Stay tuned...

House of Death: Amityville- A New Generation

Another Amityville film- yes, really.  I mean, there are 8 of the damn things- nine if you count the remake.  For those who are newer to the site, I have reviewed Part 3, 4, 6 and 8.  The first one was in 3-D, kind of.  There were like four scenes that featured it.  The second one was an attempt to turn the series in a new direction and basing it on the books...but they didn't.  The next one was about an evil clock that is a deus ex machina, until you restart time and just smash it.  The last one really broke the mold by being about a doll house...that's shaped just like the house.  It's like a super voodoo doll!  So, after seven months, let's take a look at the 7th film.  By the way, I'm not doing these in any order- thank you for asking.  This film is in the same vain as 4, 6 and 8- focusing on evil items from the evil house.  In this case, it's a mirror.  I don't have high hopes for this one, but it does feature 'John Shaft' and 'Locke.'  Then again, so do Steel and Shadow Warriors, respectively.  Will this film redeem the series or just fall in line?  Get out your living art exhibit for my review of...

The film begins with three, long minutes of a shot that doesn't change.  When your lack of creativity is evident in your opening titles, the sign is not a good one.  The story proper begins with a woman watching a man break into a car.  What does it have to do with anything?  Other than setting a tone of 'the inner city is rough,' it has no point.  In the morning, a man argues outside of the door of a woman before being chased off by our film's hero.  They keep saying the word 'keys' which is confusing until they finally explain that the man's name is 'Keyes.'  Your main character is named Keyes?  What's his last name- Alicia?!?  Anyways, he lives in an apartment building that includes his girlfriend, 'John Shaft,' the lead girl from Double Dragon and the lead from An American Werewolf in London.  It's an all-star cast...if this were a different movie.  Outside, our hero is given a mirror by a homeless man.  Gee, that seems innocent enough.  Our hero is an artist, although we see none of his art in the lead-up.  In another apartment, the D.D. chick's angry boyfriend from before breaks in- while drunk- and knocks things around.  He looks in the mirror, sees his scarred face and then crashes into the window.  Apparently he's allergic to 'sugar glass' and he dies from this.  Just to not be subtle, the mirror reflects to show the Amityville house.  Oh, is that related to this strange and sudden event?  Thanks for the tip!

Things don't get any better in the neighborhood- not that you'll be surprised by this.  In the wake of the man's death, a policeman (Terry O'Quinn) shows up and investigates.  He finds out nothing- about the death, at least.  A bit later, he invites Keyes and his girlfriend to the police station to identify the body of the homeless man from before.  Later still, he goes to the gravestone and sees the man's tombstone marking him as 'Father of Keyes Thomas.'  Dun dun pointless!  At the apartment building, a series of reflections in the mirror seem to posses D.D. girl, driving her to start a fling with the former Werewolf.  This all leads up to a big scene where the giant, devil paintings in D.D. girl's place scare her into 'committing suicide.'  This is such a traumatic event that our hero goes to work and finally makes some actual art.  Unfortunately, the process of making art also leads to him finally remembering his past.  Oh yeah, he also goes to visit a mental institution too.  As a kid, he went to go see his father in the place alongside his mother.  Inside the place, his father snapped and killed the mother.  Good job, asylum security.  You're about as useful as The Asylum!  In spite of that revelation, I'm sure that the guy is completely-sane.  Right?

Yeah, not so much.  He begins to make an exhibit for an art show being held in the building, since that is totally a logical thing to happen.  'Shaft' makes a performance art piece that consists of him sitting in a chair which plays a video of him sitting in chair...with a gun pointed at him.  It's about violence on television.  Get it?  Get it?  Yeah, nothing ever comes of this obvious set-piece either- boo!  Keyes' piece in the show involves a reenactment of the dinner scene where his father killed most of his family.  Sure- that's a perfectly-sane thing to do.  Unfortunately, he's being controlled by the evil spirit of his father via the mirror.  I suppose the revelation that O'Quinn's detective was there to spy on him didn't help things either.  He rushes to the scene as Keyes enters the room and threatens violence.  After a long stand-off, he takes control of his destiny and shoots the mirror, destroying it's power.  A spirit is so evil and powerful that it infects every object in the house, but yet you can just shoot it?  Really?  The End.

This movie is bad for many reasons.  For one, the premise is just silly and a bit confusing.  The evil mirror thing was done already in other films, including the original Boogeyman film.   It was silly in 1980 and it was still silly in 1993 when they did it here.  Secondly, when did this so-called murder scene occur that they are talking about.  Having watched three out of the six films that preceded it, I don't recall any mention of it.  Is this from the book?  If so, it's a bit odd to include stuff from the book when you cut just about everything else out of it!  The acting is not that good either.  Some of it- like O'Quinn and 'Shaft's' performances- are decent, but that's about it.  It's that same formula for bad movie acting- it's either too subtle or too blunt.  There is a middle ground, you know!  The deaths are alright, but they aren't enough to really draw you in.  At this point, the whole series was just about circle the drain.  They'd done four films with evil objects by now and one film with the release year in the title.  As you saw with Dollhouse, things didn't get better- zombie dad or no zombie dad.  Well, let's just see what happens when the folks over at Platinum Dunes re-remake your series in a few years, I guess.

Next up, I make one reader happy by talking about a 2004 film starring Julian Sands.  This movie is not for bird lovers.  Stay tuned...

Lost in Translation: War Games

Another famous film from the 1980s comes to you in this segment.  This one is the film that made Matthew Broderick famous for the first time- War Games...

So, space is yellow and God really wants to flick the world like a marble?  There goes my world-view!

Up next, an '80s fantasy classic gets morphed into something weirder than this.  Why does it look like a Genesis video again?  Stay tuned...

Satan Returns: Fear No Evil

How many films can Satan be in?  Sure, he's the embodiment of evil and sin on Earth, but the guy needs a break!  We've had five Omen films- counting the remake- and even a television pilot.  Yeah, they tried to turn the film into a TV series- true story!  In this case, the story of this film does involve Satan, but it does not involve Gregory Peck, Sam Neill or an in-born fetus of the devil.  No, this film is Fear No Evil, a film that I've never heard of until everyone online started going 'you need to see Fear No Evil- it's great.'  It's rare that I ignore popular demand, so here it is.  Get out your killer dodge ball for my review of...

The film begins with a shirtless man being ineffectively-chased by an old man.  Damn, Dennis The Menace's neighbor has finally snapped!  This is actually a priest who is trying to catch the latest vessel of the Anti-Christ.  You know, after all of these different films, the Devil is appearing less like a super-powered evil and more like Cobra Commander!  This one is a bit cocky, taunting the priest by turning into a young girl before reappearing as himself.  Wow, that was both cool and pointless.  After a bit of boasting, he tries to control the priest's staff, but it flies through his chest instead.  You knew my one weakness- my chest is made out of tissue paper!  The movie jumps to a kid being born and taken by his family to get baptized.  A strange event happens in the church as the holy water turns into blood & the kid is taken out.  We are treated to a time-lapse/montage of the parent's bitching about how the kid is ruining their lives and the house getting worse-looking by the minute.  Damn you...kid who is apparently doing something that we aren't shown.  Eighteen years go by and we learn that kid is now an awkward-looking teen who goes to a High School full of cliches.  Drug-smoking jerk, do your thing!

Basically, Satan's favorite son goes through all the usual teen angst-related problems.  He has the hots for a girl, but she turns out to be the reincarnation of an Archangel.  Man, I can totally relate to that!  The drug-smoking jerk picks a fight with him...in the shower.  Thanks, movie- I'm glad to see that David DeCoteau got his start here!  Satan's son uses his unholy powers to...make the guy kiss him, causing him to run off embarrassed.  That's all you've got, huh?  On top of that, the girl has a boyfriend who proposes to her after announcing that he got into Columbia.  So yeah, you're going to die.  Sure enough, the young men play dodge ball in gym while little Satan does push-ups.  He begins to use his powers to drive the coach to go crazy and toss a ball at the kid, sending the kid flying into the rafters and his death!  I get the emotional manipulation, but how did you give him super powers?!?  We learn during all of this that an older woman wandering around town is apparently the other Archangel.  In addition to that, the priest from the beginning was sent to jail for killing the guy.  That's logical, but also not.  How did the Forensics Expert explain the flying staff through the guy's chest again?

After all of this slow stuff and random death, this movie can only get better.  The girl is comforted by the older woman, who tries to drive her towards her destiny.  It's a good thing, since the Satan kid is appearing to her randomly and having 'dream sex' with her.  You couldn't have done anything before the guy nearly rapes her and leaves a giant scar on her back, huh?  The drug-smoking jerk has issues with the townspeople, while the town prepares to do it's annual Passion Play.  Wow, subtle.  The group leave a bar after a fight breaks out, so they decide to take a boat ride over to the island from before.  At the Play, the performance goes on strong until the Satan child's ceremony causes blood to drip down every person's head and faces.  On the island, the demon kid causes some havoc and murder for the group.  Meanwhile, the girl and the woman make their way over as well & try to get Anti-Christ Jr to stop.  Thank God, they have that killer staff...somehow.  It's not evidence in the murder case, huh?  Anyways, they try to stop him from creating more death and evil.  It's a good thing you came, since he's apparently summoning zombies.  Not only that, but he gives the stoner-jerk breasts!  After all of this, they use the staff to project crazy light effects at Little Satan Kid until ILM blows their wad all over the screen.  I see where the budget went now!  Satan Jr is defeated once again.  The End.

This movie is good, but it has issues.  I like the premise and the execution is pretty good.  The pacing is a bit off and I would have preferred if they could have made the deaths less sudden.  Plus, that bit of male nudity was really unnecessary, guys!  If you're going to do it, give us straight guys something maybe- I'm just saying. Speaking of which, this movie really blows its wad on the finale.  Where did all of those crazy light effects come from?  Could you have made it less of a 180?  Mind you, they actually hold up pretty well- especially given that it was made in 1981- and do add a bit of interest to the finale.  They just kind of appear.  It's like a fireworks show in December!  A big problem with this movie is that a lot of this actually comes off as too subtle.  The build-up to the whole Archangel thing is played pretty close to their hand.  It works in a certain sense, but it just does more to make the finale so crazy and unexpected.  Ultimately, the question is this: is this a good movie?  Yes.  Is it a film that I can recommend to everyone?  No.  Hardcore horror fans should definitely check this out and fans of obscure horror will love it.  Plus, it's an Anchor Bay release- bonus.

Next up, it's time to look at the film series that gave haunted houses a bad name.  In the seventh film, your own worst enemy is your own reflection!  Stay tuned...

VHS For The Win: The Witching

A man who made Citizen Kane can do no wrong.  Right?  Right?  Well...

I have nothing to say.  I'm sure that there's a perfectly-reasonable way to explain this movie as being great.  It's not like he gets drunk, tries to fake art and cusses out a voice director- at the same time!

Next up, what's that noise behind you?  Don't look- it's the next update in VHS For The Win!  Stay tuned...

WTF France?!?: Living Dead Girl

Ah, Jean Rollin.  I like one of your movies, but everything else I've seen has been pretty bad.  Seriously, I'm a big fan of The Grapes of Death- a film that I think is wrongly-overlooked by most fans of the zombie/infected genre.  However, his other French zombie film- of the normal variety- is Zombie Lake.  Yeah, I can't think about that film without remembering the pool full of zombies that's bright blue, while the lake is all green.  On top of that, he made a film called Night of the Hunter, a film that I couldn't stay awake through on my first viewing.  It's so bad that I have yet to dare rent it again!  So that brings me to Living Dead Girl, a film most people will know as the one whose title inspired a Rob Zombie film.  It makes you wonder if there is an obscure Swedish vampire film called Dragula, doesn't it?  Will this film even out my opinion about Rollin's work or will it scare me away from films like The Nude Vampire and Killing Car?  Get out your toxic waste barrels for my review of...

The film begins with a really scintillating opening sequence involving a busty vampire woman biting another busty woman on the neck.  We get a very slow, lingering shot of the woman's bloody body before we get to the face.  After that, the movie begins.  Does it relate at all?  Nope.  We are then treated to some sleazy men dumping barrels of toxic waste in the basement of a building.  News Flash: don't dump toxic waste in a room full of corpses.  As if they weren't bad enough, they begin to rob the corpses- which are perfectly-preserved- of their valuables.  A minor earthquake occurs causing one of the barrels to tip over and spills in the direction of the corpses, causing a toxic vapor to seep out.  As one of the men is robbing the oddly-fresh body of a woman who died two years ago, it comes to life and stabs him in the eye with his nails.  For some reason, his face turns bleach white when this happens.  His comrade had fallen over in the mini-quake and gets the waste running by his face, leading to another gore shot.  The woman rises up, drinks the blood of both men and finds time to finish off their friend before wandering off.  Wow!  After all of that, I'm expecting a great tale of blood, gore and intrigue.  I'm sure that I won't be disappointed by the time I write the next paragraph...

Damn- I set myself up for that one!  The film feels the need to delve into the strange back-story of this re-animated women- at the expense of everything else though.  Basically, she made a vow with a childhood friend that they would always be together.  Yeah, the blond one died...from something that the movie explains.  If I had to guess, she drank a whole bottle of embalming fluid!  This brings the entire story to a halt, a flack not helped by the supporting cast.  You see, our heroine is a redheaded woman who is in France with her boyfriend....for some reason.  This leads to a funny bit of dialog between the two.  The man tells her to "knock it off," prompting her to walk off.  He goes to stop her, which is when she asks what he meant by "knock it off."  His response: "It means I love you."  Yeah- right!  Anyhow, she takes a picture of the woman in a field and becomes obsessed with finding her, since the plot said so.  Seriously, she has no motivation other than her being the most nosy person alive!  Eventually, the dead woman gets back to her old home and kills a couple that has decided to use it as a love nest.  At least the ridiculous blood spray used on the actress is kind of funny.

As the plot moves towards it's wrap-up, things don't get a lot better.  Our heroine eventually finds the house, talks to the titular character for a bit, but leaves when the friend returns.  Speaking of which, she tries to make her friend happy with a dead bird, but that won't do.  Instead, she tricks a woman into coming home so that she can be killed.  A good scene- even if it could have been done in three minutes and not ten!  The title villain feels bad about her uncontrollable habit, however, and begs to be killed.  The woman refuses, choosing to ignore the issue instead of doing anything about it.  It all ends up in the town square for a festival, padded out with a song and some dancing.  The woman sets up another victim for the living dead friend, but it doesn't end the way that she planned.  When the boyfriend gets involved, he gets an axe in the forehead.  That's what you get for...being a useless, ancillary character!  Eventually, the duo end up back at the home, but the living dead girl kills her friend and drinks her blood.  As her anguish sets in, this movie mercifully ends.

This movie is not good.  I get the idea of a lot of what they were going for, but it just failed to interest me.  They had something good here, but filled the movie to the brim with boring filler.  Why did we need so much back-story on the other characters?  Why couldn't they have simplified the concept of why our heroine is looking for the woman?  I mean, she just takes the picture of a woman and has to track her down?  What kind of strange logic is that?  I just can't believe that they messed this up!  A woman is brought back to life by toxic waste...so they waste the film on a boring story about two friends that made a childhood pact.  Geez, this thing writes itself!  Woman comes to life, starts killing people and more people come to her.  They clearly had something here...but failed to make a finished product.  I wish that I could have just had that weird, unrelated footage from the beginning instead!  Say what you will, but that movie grabbed me in the two minutes it ran.  Let's just end with some of that, shall we?

Next up, a film that everyone has been telling me that I would like.  Will this film about Satan and the Passion Play be worth my time?  Stay tuned...

Sounds Like Blockbuster Trash: Fireball (America)

I ask you a simple question: will this movie have more to do with it's title than the other Fireball did?  The short answer: yes.  The next question: is it better than the Thai action film that shares it's name?  That's a bit trickier to answer, honestly.  This film is a Foreign production, but does feature some American actors in notable parts.  In a nutshell, it's like such films as Strike Commando, Starcrash or Guyana: Crime of the Century- just without the shooting, time-manipulation weapons and suicides, respectively.  I should also note that I did not rent this movie- my brother did.  I just like to mention that for when I get to talk about all the bad and/or silly parts later.  Basically, a guy gets super-powers, goes insane and has to be stopped.  There's a bit more to it, but not a lot.  Get out your burn-powered haircut for my review of...

The film begins with our heroes fleeing from an angry, bald man.  Oh no, Batista has finally gone over the edge...more.  This guy can throw fireballs though- hat or no hat- and tosses one in their direction as they try to drive away.  The CG death ball closes in on them and...the movie flashes back to how this all began.  Oh good, you've seen Sunset Boulevard too.  After that cinematic cliche, we are introduced to our villain- a pro athelete.  I knew it- they've always been out to get us!  Actually, this guy is a bit loopy because he has been abusing steroids.  Science-fiction, I say!  We see him have a freak-out when a reporter confronts him at a gas station.  After this incident, he ends up in jail- then things get bad.  The place gets set on fire and he apparently gets fire powers from this.  Why?  It has something to do with the bodily-mutation set about by his overuse of designer steroids.  No, really.  Now armed with these inexplicably-gained powers, he seeks revenge on those who sent him to jail.  Raise your hand if you're surprised.

Following that rubbish explanation, we get to see our two heroes try and catch the guy.  Despite the fact that he's completely-freaking nuts, he manages to elude capture, hide his presence and remain elusive.  News Flash: find the steroid-riddled man who is covered in fire!  They also manage to pull a number of fire powers out of their ass when it just happens to fit the need of the scene.  For example, when he gets cornered by the cops and they shoot at him, he survives.  How?  He can heat up the air around him so greatly that bullets melt before they hit him!  Sure- why not?  Eventually, they lure him into a trap and drop a giant pile of sand on top of him.  He manages to escape by melting the sand into glass...which then shatters.  This leads to our heroes having to flee for their life from a giant fireball.  Will they escape?  Will the fire-covered weirdo be defeated?  I'll never tell....

This movie is not good.  The plot is silly, but is not really played much for laughs.  You could have embraced your goofy plot and had some fun!  Instead, they play it straight, having the leads be as dull as door nails.  The female lead especially is dull, having her only character trait be her obsession with details.  Really?  That's all you've got.  On the flip-side, the villain's acting is so over-the-top that you would think that he had a different script!  Some of the effects are actually pretty good, although CG fire has been pretty easy to do since 2002. The film doesn't have a lot to offer that you can't see in any Syfy Channel picture.  That's pretty much what this is- take it or leave it.

Up next, we get into a week of Must-Sees which will include movies that I've put off for a while.  First up, a Jean Rollin movie- this could go either way.  Stay tuned...

Forgotten Toons: The Pirates of Dark Water

Avast ye mateys!  I want to tell you the tale of an ambitious, adventure show made by the Hanna-Barbera company.  It speaks of a scourge called Dark Water that has begun to overrun the seas.  The only way to stop this evil, mystic infection is with a collection of gems.  Before I say anymore, let's meet the cast of...

Our heroes are a brave group of adventurers from all across the land, brought together under one common goal: save the world.  A straight-laced adventurer must team up with a conniving- but charming- thief, a gypsy woman and...a talking monkey-bird.  Well, it is a Hanna-Barbera show, people!  They kept the 'kid stuff' in check pretty well though, making it a good show for teens or people who remain young at heart.  The group is beset upon by an evil pirate named Bloth, who rides in a giant ship that appears to be made out of Titan bones.  He has a crew of other evil pirates- plus a comic relief character or two- at his disposal, making this a tough fight.

Unfortunately, this show was apparently expensive to produce, leading it to be cancelled after Season Two.  This left the producers in a bind because, unlike today's shows, they didn't know in advance.  As such, the series ended with 8 of the 13 treasures being found and the story unfinished.  It's run ended just over 17 years ago and nothing has been done to wrap the story up.  It's kind of like watching Jet Li's Evil Cult and knowing what could have been.  Early in Adult Swim history, they actually used one of their 'bumps' to mock lovers of the show.  They promised to show the 'lost' episode...only to play stock footage of a cat licking up milk.  'Oops,' they said, 'We must have taped over it.'  Oh well, the series' legacy still lives on...in cos-players...

Next up, a cartoon takes power to the extreme.  Suit up, ladies and gentlemen!  Stay tuned...

Sounds Like: Fireball (Thailand)

Is there a reason why I don't review films sometimes?  Yes.  Some of them are dull (Satan's Wife), terrible (Sex Medusa) or just don't leave me with enough to say.  This movie is in that category.  I love Thai action films, which this one happens.  Point 1 for you, movie.  The movie has a revenge plot involving organized crime.  Okay, that's another Point for you.  Here's the problem: there's really nothing else here.  I can make this work though, so stick with me.  If you like kicking, jumping and brutal violence, you're in luck.  The film's story involves organized crime, extreme sports and kicking.  Maybe I was being too harsh before.  Get out your b-ball for my review of...

The plot is simple: a man gets out of jail and seeks revenge.  In an introductory scene, his twin brother is put in a coma by some criminals.  Once out on the street, he joins a team that plays the odd sport of Fireball.  What is it?  Well, it's basically basketball, but you have to kick people a lot.  You do get points for scoring, but it's mostly just about kicking people.  In fact, most of the games/matches they show only one point being scored for either side.  Is the whole game like sudden-death hockey or something?  I don't get it.  This brings up the problem of the film: there are really only about five major scenes, about half of which are the games.  They're good...but a bit long.  I do love me some kicking though.

Okay, there's really not much to talk about.  After a second game, one of the group is accused of trying to throw the game to get out, so they kill him.  We get another scene where the group does some parkour stunts in order to get a ball.  Why?  Why the hell not?!?  Eventually, our hero goes after the lead villain, they fight and he wins.  As a bonus, they fight in the rain.  The End.

This movie is good...for what it is.  It's pretty much just a pure action film with almost no plot.  They spend a few minutes setting up the story, have a long fight scene, give us a little more plot and have another fight scene.  There honestly is not much more to talk about.  If you like this kind of stuff- which I do- you'll have fun.  Ultimately though, it's just going to end up in a fight compilation video on YouTube.  A lot of these Thai films try to mix in drama (Chocolate), a setting (Ong Bak 2), a crazy plot (Dynamite Warrior) or some political commentary (Born To Fight).  This one is just about people doing spin-kicks while running up and down a court.  You may not remember it for long, but you will enjoy it while you do.

Next up, Sounds Like Week concludes with a look another film called Fireball.  This one has mutant powers- bonus!  Stay tuned...

 

Sounds Like: Road Killers

How many random actors can you mix together into one film?  This film tries to tackle that question in an interesting way.  For starters, the film stars Christopher Lambert, the man who everybody knows from Highlander.  The villain of the film is Craig Sheffer, a person that you might remember from both Turbulence 2 and 3- just as different characters.  Next up, we get Christopher MacDonald aka the bad guy from Billy Madison.  Sure, why not?  You might as well throw in a young Josh Brolin too.  Okay, I was kidding.  You aren't going to put in Joseph-Gordon Levitt aka the kid from 3rd Rock from the Sun and 500 Days of Summer now too, are you?  Fine- be that way.  Just for that, I hope you include David Arquette, the star of Ready to Rumble.  I should probably stop taunting you, now.  So yeah, this movie is kind of like The Hitcher, but with a dash of Death Wish too.  Enjoy.  Get out your Bonnie & Clyde style shoot-out for my review of...

Two pairs of people are driving around in the desert.  Amongst those people are Lambert, Levitt and MacDonald.  By the way, if you really want to stretch reality to the max, cast Lambert as the uncle of Joseph-Gordon Levitt!  Seriously, how am I supposed to buy that?  Levitt is hanging out in the middle of the road for some reason at one point and nearly gets run over by some men.  Why?  Well, his character is deaf and doesn't hear the cars.  Don't worry- this plot point doesn't amount to much as a whole.  Anyhow, the group- which also includes Lambert's wife and daughter- stops at a diner for some lunch.  They run afoul of the same men- including Sheffer, Arquette and Brolin- and they don't exactly apologize for what they did.  They go to leave, but the dad gets really upset by them.  Despite everyone's pleas, he challenges them to a game of 'Chicken.'  Gee, this won't turn out to be tragic and devastating.  Sure enough, he loses and his car crashes.  In a drawn-out and dramatic scene, he is not able to get out of the burning wreckage and he dies.  Way to get out of the film in the first twenty minutes, Christopher!

Lambert takes the death of his brother about as well as you would imagine.  He confronts the men- despite his family's pleas- and tells them he is going to get them arrested.  Immediately following that, he slowly turns his back on them and walks away.  Yeah, he gets clubbed in the head.  The group of villains split up, Sheffer and company taking the others hostage- since I guess they couldn't drive away- and Brolin being sent out to dispose of Lambert's body.  He proves to be far more cowardly than dangerous, however, and fakes shooting Lambert in order to shut up his berating girlfriend.  Well, men have done worse things for women, I guess.  With the rest of the gang, they have the family held hostage and, well, do nothing with them.  Why did you kidnap them again, guys?  Lambert eventually recovers from his beating and non-shooting & goes looking to call for help.  When a blood-soaked man shows up in a diner asking for a phone, would you let him?  After threatening the people- always a good call, Lambert- our hero ends up in jail.  He pleads with the Sheriff to help him out and save his family.  When he describes the titular 'road killers,' the guy leaves Lambert alone.  You're good at your job.

As it turns out, the guy is actually going off to stop the criminals himself.  It ends up about as well as it did for the Sheriff in The House of 1,000 Corpses.  During this part, we also get to learn a little bit about the so-called 'road killers.'  Arquette's character is a Rain Man-style guy, but he's not actually a savant in anything.  Yeah, I don't get it, but whatever.  Lambert escapes from the jail by knocking out the Deputy- so that's who did it!- with the aid of a fellow prisoner.  We get a fight/shoot-out with the villains, but they escape.  At some point, the guy who helped Lambert actually turns on him, although I'm not really sure why.  Yeah, I was kind of zoning out- sorry.  We get a great bit of shooting and driving before Lambert puts the safety of his family over revenge.  Stupid person and your logic-based compassion!  Sadly, Arquette's character is killed too.  Oh darn, I will miss him ever so much.  In the final showdown, Sheffer and Lambert battle...in slow-motion.  Yeah, don't try to make your film arty in the final five minutes, movie!  Lambert ultimately beats up Sheffer by slamming him onto the hood of a car and drags him along the road until a train hits it.  Ha ha- you just killed a guy!  The End.

This movie is surprisingly-dull.  The plot is simple enough to work and there is some good action.  The key problem is, like many films, the pacing.  They drag it all out for too long without a real point.  It's neat to see the villains actually have conflicts with each other, even if it never really goes anywhere.  This is also one of the few films to use David Arquette in a way I like- as a guy who gets killed.  Seriously, the only film of his I can stand is Hamlet 2- where he mostly has an extended cameo.  Most of the acting is good, although I should note that Brolin is miles away from his current acting level.  You wouldn't watch this film in 1995 and think 'that guy is going to end up being really good in  Cohen Brothers film at some point.'  His character actually has more than one-dimension, which is a plus.  Unfortunately, this movie did not live up to its potential for me.  I mean, you have what's basically The Hitcher, but with a group of killers...and it's less effective.  Mind you, none of the killers are played by Rutger Hauer, which is important to note.  As it stands, it's a decent action movie that doesn't accomplish much more.  It is a strange cast to look at though.

Next up, Sound Like Week concludes with the first of two movies with the same title.  How do extreme sports and super powers mix?  Stay tuned...

Sounds Like: Road Games

Australia- what can I say?  This country has brought me movies like Snide & Prejudice, Mad Max: Beyond Thunderdome and The Howling III: Marsupials.  Basically, I'm not surprised by anything they do.  Although, this one did throw me off a bit at first.  You see, this movie came out in the very early '80s and was an attempt by them at getting in on that sweet, Slasher film money.  To that end, they hired Jamie Lee Curtis, fresh off Terror Train and Prom Night to be their starlet.  In addition, they hired genre-film veteran Stacy Keach to play the lead.  The film involves a serial killer driving down the highway and one man's desperate attempt to stop him.  Naturally, since they made it, this movie is set in Australia.  On one hand, it really adds nothing to the story, which could easily be set in Texas, Arizona or even Michigan.  On the other hand, Keach and Curtis got a free vacation down to Australia to shoot a movie.  They couldn't make this thing straight-forward though, so don't always expect the obvious here.  The bigger question is this: is it good?  Get out your Fred Flinstone graffitti kit for my review of...

The film begins by showing a man walk up to a naked woman playing the guitar in her hotel room.  She has her back to the audience, but it's still a bit surreal.  He kills her with some piano wire and the narrative changes to follow Keach's character.  He's a truck driver who delivers meat to companies up and down the Australian roadway.  Rather than getting to the point though, the movie spends the first ten minutes on this.  You've definitely established the character- move on!  Unfortunately, the movie can't hear me- being as it was made two years before I was born- and continues to show me life as Keach.  He drives around for a while, making commentary about the people he sees on the road.  If you ever wanted to see Stacy Keach do an Improv Exercise where you talk over people you see in a mirror, this is your film!  Finally, the plot picks up a bit when he stops to pick up a woman who he saw earlier in the car.  Her husband drove off without her, so she makes herself at home in his car.  He hears on the radio about the killer being on the loose and stops suddenly when he thinks he spots him.  Given that we're about twenty-five minutes in, he obviously does not see him.  Way to hook them early, guys!

Eventually, he gets rid of the lady and picks up Ms. Curtis (see above).  Being younger, cuter and much less annoying, she makes for better company.  Even the dog likes her!  Try not to get distracted by the awkward mix of real driving footage and really obvious rear-projection effects used for the longer dialogue scenes, by the way.  One night, Curtis walks over the hill from the camp site they're at and spots the killer's van.  That or it's a dream- I don't know.  The scene includes dream-like imagery and the brightest flashes of lightning in human history, so you be the judge.  Keach makes it clear that there is a killer out there after she tells him about this, so they try to find him.  A bit of vigilante justice, eh Keach?  At a rest stop, they find the van parked and go to investigate.  Keach goes inside with his giant tire iron- passing a graffitti picture of Fred Flinstone on the way- and threatens the man inside the bathroom.  Since the car is parked there, it obviously must be him.  Outside, Curtis is wandering around inside of his van looking for evidence.  Yeah, that always works out well.  Sure enough, the man in the stall ends up being a different guy and, when Keach gets outside, the van is gone.  He tries to steal a bike and pursue, but crashes- opting then to go back to his truck.  Was that a joke?

Things get pretty tense from here on out, but they're also a bit slow.  I know how that sounds, but trust me.  Keach drives the road for quite a while, always looking for clues or evidence.  The problem for me is that this goes on for a bit too long.  The chase is tense and all, but they don't pace out the clues or events too well.  Eventually, he catches up to the van, leading to a big chase.  It's a little surreal to watch, since it's a van being chased by a semi-truck that is, in turn, being chased by a police car.  They even work in a strange comedy bit with a guy who drops his glasses right before the chase passes him by.  After two tries and two near misses with the vehicle, the cop car drives over them.  That sure was random, movie.  A big crash finally occurs and our hero begins to beat up the killer.  The police go to arrest him when Curtis reveals herself and tells them what happened.  In the Epilogue, the pair walk down the road together- having smashed the truck up- and hitch-hike.  We get one last bit of 'humor' involving the body of the first victim.  After about three minutes of build-up, the woman's head falls in a maid's mop bucket.  Okay then.  The End.

This movie is both bad and good, to be honest.  The premise is great, the acting is generally quite good and there is some real atmosphere at times.  The problem is basically the pacing.  Like I said, it takes twenty minutes to build up to the actual plot taking place.  At 100 or so minutes, the movie could really use a trim.  The scenes are not bad in and of themselves, mind you.  The problem is just that they represent a distraction from the real narrative.  For example, we get a bit where Keach sees a person pop in front of his truck at night, only to learn that it's a kangaroo crossing the road.  Was that necessary?  Like a lot of the 'It's the 1950s' stuff from the last Indiana Jones film, it just feels like excess.  I believe that you were shot in Australia, movie!  One big positive is that the DVD of the film that's currently available is an Anchor Bay release.  That means that the film print is very good and doesn't feel like it was made in 1981.  I wish that the film was better paced and could have stayed on message a bit more.  As it is, it's an uneven movie that I can't fully-recommend to you.  Fans of Curtis' slasher film work will want to check this out though.

Up next, Sounds Like Week continues with one of the most oddly-cast ensemble films I've seen.  If you ever wanted to see Christopher Lambert, Josh Brolin, David Arquette and Joseph-Gordon Levitt in one film, you're in luck!  Stay tuned...

Impossibly-Cool Cover Art: Rapid Fire

I love guns.  Lots of people love guns.  How much is too much though?  To answer that question, here is your answer...

Holy crap- that's a lot of guns.  Plus, who has an M-16 with an RPG attachment on the top of it?!?  Grenade launcher- yes.  That thing just looks dangerous as hell!  Could you have gotten a lead better than 'emaciated Emilio Estevez?'

Next up, a film about a plane crash in the worst possible location.  It's going to promise me a lot, yeah.  Stay tuned...

Anthologicious: Stephen King's Cat's Eye

  With so many Stephen King films out there, it's easy to forget a couple of them.  I mean, how many of us think about Graveyard Shift, The Night Flier or The Langoliers?  That's the case with today's subject: Cat's Eye.  The film is a pretense to include a bunch of stories from Night Shift, a 1978 short story collection.  I'm linking it here because it contains a number of stories that became films, including Trucks (aka Maximum Overdrive), Sometimes They Come Back and The Mangler.  Made in 1985, the film represents the height of King's popularity in the entertainment industry.  He was so big that his leftovers- 'Quitters Inc,' 'The Ledge' and 'The General'- could get their own movie.  The film also features Drew Barrymore in a role that was given to her solely due to her performance in Firestarter- another King film.  It's an odd horror anthology, since the framing device is barely-explained or a part of the film.  Apparently, there was a longer explanation for the cat's motivation, but it was cut by the studio.  They deemed it silly, which is a bit ironic when you consider the final story.  One more side note for you: the director is Lewis Teague.  If the name doesn't ring a bell, you'll know his early work- Alligator, Cujo and The Jewel of the Nile.  Will the film be up to those films or will it be like Teague's later works- Collision Course, Navy SEALs and The Dukes of Hazzard- Reunion?  Get your Police record for my review of...

The film's framing device begins with a cat being chased by...Cujo?  Considering it's the same writer (King) and director (Teague), it must be.  If so, it's a weird distraction.  The animals cross the road and pass...Christine.  That's just silly now.  It ends up in NYC and gets captured by a bearded man who works for Quitters Inc (also the story's title).  In walks a businessman (James Woods) who has to quit smoking.  Out walks a frazzled and upset woman who is joined by her sorry husband.  Hello, foreshadowing!  The head of the company beats up Woods until he stops to demonstrate a room with a floor triggered to spark.  The poor cat is used as a 'guineau pig' for this action.  At home, Woods is a bit frazzled himself, since we learn that the company would torture his wife and/or daughter in the same room.  He is obsessed with the idea of a man being in his house, a point that proves to be true.  He confronts the company, who is nonchalant about it.  At a party, Woods has a bad reaction to everyone smoking around him.  It's a bad party when you imagine giant, dancing cigarette boxes!  At a traffic stop, Woods breaks down and lights a smoke, but gets spotted.  The wife is captured and put in the room.  After that ends, we see the couple reconcile and hug.  That night, they hold a party and the mood dies a bit when Woods learns that Quitters Inc.'s threat about cutting off the wife's finger tip is true- since it happened to his friend's wife.

During the fracas, the cat escaped and ends up in Atlantic City.  For 'The Ledge,' we meet a crazy, rich guy who has his wife followed, since she's having an affair.  The cat is nearly run over while trying to cross the road, something that the man and his friend bet on.  They capture the wife's lover (Robert Hays) and force him to make a hard choice.  He can scale down the side of the building and get paid off or be arrested for a trumped-up drug charge.  Given that he has no choice in the matter, he starts climbing along the building's exterior.  It's a rough trip, especially when the old man pops out and nearly hits him.  Unfortunately, some dated rear-projection effects arrive (this was made in 1985, after all) to make this a bit less dramatic.  Eventually, he gets back inside and wins the bet.  He gets a bag of money and...the wife's head.  Damn you, Kevin Spacey!  Hays fights back and forces the old man to do the same wager.  He falls to his death, nearly hitting the cat on the ground.  By the way, the cat escaped again during this story's fracas.  Repetition much?

The third and final tale 'The General'  begins with the cat arriving into a new town.  He meets up with a little girl (Barrymore) who instantly loves the cat.  Unfortunately, the mother does not like cats & forces the animal to live outside.  That morning, we learn that the cat entered the kid's room, angering the mom.  We get the message from Tales from The Darkside: The Movie about cats stealing kid's breath.  Is it true?  The next night, a creature comes into the kid's room via a hole in the wall.  The tiny goblin sneaks around for a bit before climbing onto her.  Before it can act, the cat aka General shows up & attacks the creature.  It stabs the cat and runs, but not before knocking over the bird's cage and killing it.  Since the creature covers its tracks, the mother blames the cat for the death and the mess.  The cat is left outside again as the creature shows up one more time.  It steals more of the kid's breath before the cat escapes from a kennel to the most ridiculously-over-the-top music ever.  Seriously, you would think that the thing was Aslan!  It climbs in through the chimney for one more showdown.  It traps the thing, chases it onto a Police record and turns on the player.  Smart cat!  Eventually, it spins so fast that the creature is thrown into a fan and killed.  The parents arrive and find the body, allowing the cat to stay.  They tease a dark ending with the cat...but it's all happy.  The End.

This movie is...actually pretty good.  The stories are interesting on their own, which is sometimes rare for this sub-genre.  They have to, however, since the framing device is so damn inconsequential.  The cat sees a vision of Barrymore...for some reason that the movie never explains and that says why it heads towards the house for the third story.  It's involvement is so minimal that it's almost pointless.  They could have just had it be 'A witch telling the stories' or 'Barrymore being read stories by her mother.'  What's the point of the cat?  Is it just to justify the final tale?  Speaking of which, the tone is strange and inconsistent.  'Quitters Inc' is a dark, social commentary tale, while 'The Ledge' is a straight-forward revenge tale.  'The General' is just weird and goofy.  Fun fact: 'Sometimes They Come Back' was planned for this film, but given it's own film instead.  That explains a lot, actually.  They clearly had no good reason for this framing device and a more consistent tone planned before Dino De Laurentis made up his mind.  I should also mention that Barrymore plays Woods' daughter in a throw-away role.  While the film is a bit too random to recommend whole-heartedly, it does provide us with this great image.  Enjoy your serious film career after this, Drew...

Next up, Sounds Like Week changes to a new subject- the Road.  Will it be game or some killer shit?  Stay tuned...