'80s Trash?: The Wind (1986)

 As a Holiday interrupted Tubi Thursday, I might as well cover this one late.  This is The Wind, a 1986 Film by Nico Mastorakis.  The man behind Island of Death- lovely.  This is a Who's Who of People Often in Trashy Films.  I mean no disrespect to said people, but the Resumes speak for themselves.  Meg Foster, she with the creepy eyes, is in arguably more bad Films than good ones.  Being in They Live does help a bit.  Up next is Wings Hauser, a man who was in lots of Rifftrax material early on.  One of them- Nightmare at Noon- was also by Nico here.  Next on the Roster we have Steve Railsback, who got big acclaim early in his career for playing Charles Manson.  He's since gone on to appear in stuff like, well, this, Barb Wire and The Asylum's King of the Lost World.  We also have David McCallum, who most people know from NCIS, but he had a long career before that.  Rounding out the group, we have Robert Morely (though not for long) who might be the only Oscar Nominee in this.  

What is the Plot?  Sadly, it's not about killer wind, like I was hoping.  Instead, Foster goes to Greece- big shock with the Setting- to finish a Mystery Novel...as you do.  She runs afoul of Wings after he commits a murder, leading to a long cat-and-mouse game.  Who will win?  To find out, read on...

Foster leaves her boyfriend- McCallum- behind to go to Greece to finish her latest Mystery Novel.

Sadly, the Film does NOT wrap around to reveal that the Plot of this Film became the story of her Book.
That would be too clever, no?

The Village is mostly-empty, save for the guy who owns the House- Morely- and the Caretaker- Hauser.

The latter is basically a Drifter on his last chance, so he's someone you can trust.

Also it's windy.

Now there's one less as Hauser kills Morsely after he fires him.

Sadly, the Wind is still here to stay.

Foster sees him burying a body and makes the connection, so, naturally, she decides to investigate the situation IMMEDIATELY while he's still out and about.

What could go wrong?

Oh right- he tries to kill her.

Now she's trapped upstairs and can't seem to get help.

Oh and Railsback shows up abruptly about 55 minutes into this, gets an exposition dump about his character, hangs around with Foster for 10 minutes and then dies.

Can Foster escape Hauser?

To find out, stream the Film and see if the Title becomes really important at any point.

A decent Film, if a bit shallow.  If you break the Film down, it's at least a full hour of just Meg Foster hiding from/fending off Wings Hauser.  They really have to stretch certain Scenes out to make this work. Between those moments, we get the drama of people trying to call different Cities in Greece via Collect Calls from L.A.  It's not badly-executed per se, but is a bit much for what little content they have here.

For one thing, you could have built up the tension between Foster and Hauser before he knew that she saw his crime.  Instead, he's crazy in like his 2nd Scene, kills the Owner and then goes right after her.  He has one last interaction where he's clearly gone off the deep end, but I guess he's trying to gauge how guilty she knows he is.  It helps, though it is only a few minutes tops.

Foster- in spite of my clear phobia regarding her eyes- does do a good job here.  Hauser, in turn, plays crazy pretty well.  It's basically what if someone watched Jack Nicholson in The Shining and tried to do that.  On the flip side, McCallum has nearly nothing to do after Act 1 and Railsback is kind of wasted in his small role.

The Wind is a decent Thriller.  It's just a pretty bare-bones one.  You could do worse on a dark night though.

Next time, I mine a multi-Film DVD for more content.  What's the worst I could find?  Stay tuned...

Immediate *Streaming* Response: Shang-Chi and the Legend of the 10 Rings

 After I missed it in Theaters, I caught it on Streaming.  Was it a missed kick or a dragon kick?

The Good

* The Film has a large, epic Plot that features strong Characterizations and motivations.

* The Action Scenes are quite fun and shot more dynamically than many other Marvel Films.
They're shot more like Kung-Fu Films, you know.

* The Film is a visual delight, giving us great locations, fantastical sights and big fight effects.

* Simu Liu has a strong, sometimes subtle confidence that makes him a good Lead.  I need to see more.

* We get a number of callbacks and references to the MCU, from subtle background bits to a returning Character that somebody demanded.

The Bad

* The Plot takes an odd turn or two as the Third Act, going into Fantasy you'd expect from a Wuxia Film.  It may not be for everyone.

* As good as making the bad guy somewhat relatable is, it might also make you not root against him.  Is it bad to be this nuanced?

* All of the world-building for the MCU is going to happen in other Films.

Almost Heroes: Grady (Mortuary- 2005)

 At long last, another Almost Hero arises.

In Mortuary, we get the tale of a family that moves to live at, well, a Mortuary.

The Son makes friends with a local girl- played by an Actress in her early '30s- and her boyfriend.

As luck would turn out, he's actually her Gay Best Friend, so our Hero has a shot.  Sigh.

The duo end up with him at the Home after Mom gets possessed and evil, leading us into the busy Third Act Climax.

He's with the group- which includes the younger Sister- the whole time, always helping out.

They retreat into a Crypt- because why not?!?- and he's the last one through the entryway, guarding the group's rear.

...and he gets punched through the chest by a zombie and killed.

Sadly, he doesn't say anything like 'We're safe here' or 'This place should be safe,' so I can't double-dip this one for Deep Blue Sea Moments of Cinema too.

Poor guy.

He just wanted to help...and to also smoke pot...and to see a dead body.

Who hasn't been there?

Oh well, he *almost* saved the day.

Immediate Response: Eternals (2021)

 After waiting a bit, I might as well get to this one before the Internet SPOILS it all for me...

The Good

* The Film is big and grand in scale.

* While it has Action, it is much more about heart.  Yes, it's a cliché, but it is true here.

* The huge Cast all has a moment or two to really flesh out a Character that could otherwise be just another body in an Action Scene.

* The Film puts all of its Budget on-screen, feeling like a Film that cost even more than it does.

* The Story- while fractured in an artistic way- does give you a beginning, middle and end for Character Arcs, which is impressive when you remember that they start out with TEN Eternals.

* Post Credits are worth staying for.  That's all I'll say.

The Bad

* The Film is quite dense when you break down the subject material and no amount of single Film primer is going to be quite enough for many people/some audiences.
* The Film packs alot of backstory and Plot into its runtime.
* It's arguably the most dense Sci-Fi-leaning Film in the MCU, so that's going to affect the market.
* So much of this feels like an MCU version of the Justice League (Ikaris is Superman, Thena is WW, etc), so good luck for the Squadron Supreme in the MCU (if it ever happens).

All in all, the Film is long and dense.  I didn't find it to be a slog, but clearly some people have.

New Streaming: Creepshow- 'Dead & Breakfast'

 Before my free Trial ends, I might as well watch some more...

In 'Dead & Breakfast,' a Brother-Sister Duo have a problem promoting their Murder House B&B.

What is the solution?

Invite a Horror VLogger over to promote it to all of her fans.

I've been to Lizzie Borden's House, so this feels somewhat-relatable at least.

The young woman openly questions whether this actually is a Murder House and begins to snoop around.

What's the harm?

As you can guess, this won't end well.

How exactly it ends is...well, a SPOILER.

A somewhat-predictable, but still fun segment.  Everyone plays their parts quite well here.  Ali Larter and C. Thomas Howell as the Siblings play desperate, angry and scheming quite well.  The former gets to go a bit crazy, which is always fun.  The latter gets to be a sort-of henchmen, which hopefully makes up for Soul Man.  They play well off of their younger Co-Star, who really feels like how people view VLoggers.  She's a fun character, even if she is somehow caught off-guard by the end.  They make good use of the limited Budget here by giving you a nice, eerie location and just never leaving it.  See- you can make it work if you get a good story for it.  As far as twists go, this one probably won't surprise too many genre veterans.  This is more a 'journey than the destination' kind of Story though.  Creepshow continues to deliver, so try not to get caught off-guard, won't you?

Next time, a man kills bugs for a living.  Yep, it's a Creature Feature.  See you then...

'00s Trash?: Tobe Hooper's Mortuary (2005)

 After going through some personal upheaval, I might as well go back to trashy Horror.  

This is Mortuary, a 2005 Film by the late Tobe Hooper.  Notably, this is the last Feature Film made by Hooper...in the United States.  

He made one more Film in 2013 in the UAE, hence the qualifier.  

So, with that in mind, it's not good that I got this on a cheap 4 Films on 1 Disc Set, is it?

The Plot involves a family moving to a new Town, but problems arise.  What evil lurks in the Cemetery?  Why are there only ever like 10 people in Town?  

The Cast includes Star Trek TNG alum Denise Crosby and some other random Actors of little note (to me).

Can Hooper end his (US) Career on a high note?  Let's find out...

A family- led by Denise Crosby- moves after the Husband dies and a job opportunity arises.

That job?

Undertaker.

No, not that one.

Let the kids play with all of your tools though, lady.

Our Hero finds young love...well, it's half right.  Weirdly, the woman playing his love interest was actually 33, while he was legit 18.

Horror Films are meant to be a bit creepy, I guess.

Meeting with her and her friend, he's told the story about how the Mortuary (that's the name of the Movie!) was owned by a Family, who all died, save for one messed up Son.

Oh well, that won't pay off later.

Earlier, this guy and his two ladies were jerks to our Hero.  Now they decide to vandalize the Cemetery before going into a Crypt to have sex.

No, don't kill them.  I'll be soooo sad.

Things eventually escalate to the point where the Sheriff is attacked- in the same Crypt- and the recently-worked-on bodies spring to life when this magic-ish algae/vines infects them.

They corrupt Denise...

...so now she's mutated and evil.

Wait- this is the time this happened to her in the late-80s, not this Film.

It all comes to a head as our Heroes end up in the Crypt as they flee the Zombies, evil Denise, the Sheriff and...the guy they teased earlier.

Hey, that did pay off after all.

They manage to fend off the Zombies and escape Denise as the evil mold/algae/whatever kills off the aforementioned creepy guy.

In the aftermath, they take a moment to rest outside the House...only for the weird stuff to drag our Hero away and Evil Denise to take the Daughter away.  The *bleak* End.

A bleak Film that tries to get by on atmosphere.  

If you look deeply at the Film, there's alot missing.  

The Town is barely there and has almost no citizens.  

How many Landmarks does it have?  It is just a tiny, empty shell.  

The Plot is alright, but what is it really about?  Evil, zombie-making moss?  Yeah...alright then.  

The Film needs a more obvious, talkative evil.  It needs a Mad Scientist, a Witch or something.  

As it is, we get a silly, CGI creation that slowly builds up its forces.  

That said, the climax of the Film is pretty good.  We get zombies.  We get Evil Denise.  We get the freaky guy.  

The execution is, well, so-so. 

 The Budget issues rear their ugly head here as they run around the same few locations in darkly lit sets.  I will say that the make-up on said Zombies is nice though.  

Hooper does a good job here, even as some issues you get with most '00s Horror Films show up here.  He gets a good performance out of the Actors, so good on him.  

I can't point out any obvious bits that show this to blatantly be a 'Tobe Hooper Film' per se though.  Mortuary has promise.  

The Film could work with some tweaking here and there.  Pick a real Theme and don't get distracted by B-Plots.  It's been almost 20 years, so let's see if anyone is lining up to remake this.  

In the meantime, here's some good advice for you.  If your friend says 'Hey, can I see a dead body,' just say 'No.'  I mean...duh, right?

Next up, I dig through this Disc for more content.  Will I get a hidden gem or just more of this?  Stay tuned...

Poor Bastards of Cinema: ROTOR (Part 2)

 Another unlucky soul (or two) from the same Scene in ROTOR.

When we last left our Heroine, she was fleeing from the Android and decided to hide out in a Dive Bar.

She fled when it attacked, running past 3 random guys who were entering.

They are *immediately* ready to fight a Cop with zero explanation as to why.

The first one goes down with a hard punch.

He's probably not dead, but ROTOR is a super-strong (sometimes) android, so who knows?

The second guy decides to pretend he can do Karate and gets knocked aside/possibly killed as well.

The final guy rips off his shirt and tries to do the old 'test of strength' spot.

It doesn't go well.

As a final insult, ROTOR steps on his body on the way out.

These guys are never mentioned or shown again, so I'm going with dead.

The moral: don't fight random Cops for no reason.  Did I need to tell you this?!?

Next time, a final Poor Bastard stands up for this random lady.  It won't be good.  See you then...

Immediate Response: The French Dispatch (2021)

 Considering what I usually cover, a Wes Anderson Film feels like a palette cleanser.  Is it good though?

The Good

* The Film is a visual delight, full of colors, fun transitions and the usual flair you expect.

* The Cast is full of notable names playing strange, quirky characters.  They each get a moment or two to shine.

* The Plot is pretty frivolous and fun.

* As usual, the mix of dead-pan and bizarre kind of works well.

The Bad

* The 'Anthology' Format (literal and figurative) makes the Film a bit disjointed.  You're seeing the Stories as 'Sections from the Paper.'  If you want one, big Plot, it's not here.

* Not all Stories are equal, with Owen Wilson's one having the least Plot.

* Anderson saves the extra visual flourishes for the last Segment, which seems disappointing a bit.

If you're a Wes Anderson fan, it's more of the same.  It is less structured Plot-wise, so don't expect an exact copy of stuff like Rushmore.

Tubi Thursday: Cruel Jaws (aka Jaws 5: Cruel Jaws)

 Yes, I do know what day it is.  However, I did watch this infamously-bad Film on Thursday, so it counts...dammit.

A young man comes back home to visit his friends, including Not Hulk Hogan there on the right.

They have a sad backstory involving a car accident, a dead wife and a paralyzed daughter.

Well, the cruel part is in play.

On top of that, the guy's girlfriend wants him to spend more time with him and less time 'with fish.'

Not helping matters is a rival who's more than happy to jump into the middle (and on top of the girlfriend).

There's always a B-Plot involving the son of Not Hogan being in love with the Daughter of the Tycoon who wants to sell their Aquarium to build a Hotel.

This is, oddly enough, similar to a B-Plot cut from Jaws.

Oh right- there's a Shark.

This Shark changes in size, shape and video quality...since he's a mix of new footage, Nature Footage, Jaws, Jaws 2, Deep Blood and The Last Shark.

This is 95% just the Plot of Jaws- complete with the Mafia Sub-Plot restored from the Book- so there's no surprises here.

It's a fun game to try and spot which Film's effects you're seeing and how it matches up to their footage.

Can you just watch the other Films?

Yes, but you can also watch this one...so, take your pick.

A pretty forgettable Film if you don't know the history.  On the surface, the Film is pretty nothing.  It's another Killer Shark Film and it comes quite late in the game.  Who was doing these in 1995?  The last Jaws Film was in 1987, so...you know, no rush, Mr. Mattei.  On its own, the Film has all of the usual stuff these rip-offs have.  We get slight wrinkles- the Tycoon against closing the Beaches/Cancelling the Regatta is NOT the Mayor- but it's otherwise the same.  The additions- like the injured girl and Not Hogan- aren't terrible.  So much of what happens feels off due to a combination of the Acting and the Dubbing (it sure sounds dubbed most of the time).  Of course, you are more familiar with these kinds of Films, you'll recognize all of the Stock Footage.  For instance, The Last Shark has a bit with two Boats led in by a Helicopter.  I remember Rifftrax mocking it (it's on YT), so when I saw that same footage here, it was pretty obvious.  The Shark is a mix of obvious Nature Footage, the balloon-like toy from Last Shark and other random bits.  They credit a guy with 'Original Shark Design,' but I read that they also didn't have a working prosthetic shark, so...um, what?  On the plus side, it was shot in my home State, so neat.  Cruel Jaws is a mixed bag, but fans of Bad Movies could do worse.  Now where did I leave Nick Nolte's latest Mug Shot...

A silly Jaws rip-off.  If you know your Bad Movies, it's a treasure trove of re-used crap though.

Quick Review: Iron Mask (2019)

 A Russian, Chinese and American Film walk into a bar.  

While they recover from head injuries, this is the Film we get...

In one corner, you have Jackie Chan.

He plays a locked-up Mystic with a quest to give.

In the other corner, you have Arnold Schwarzenegger.

He plays a British (pause for laughter) Warden who will let his prisoners fight for their freedom.

Sound good?

Well, enjoy about 10 minutes of the Film then.

It's *actually* about the Cartographer from Viy/Forbidden Empire as he stumbles across a Plot cribbed from a French Story.

Said Story is now about a Russian King, since those rubles don't pay themselves!

…or is it actually a Story about a Magic Dragon (not Puff), a Witch and some guys that they stole from Big Trouble in Little China?

Is it...all 3?!?

So, in summary, this Film is about the following...

A Cartographer hired by Peter the Great who goes to China.
A Magic Dragon held captive by a Witch.

A Princess who must save said Dragon at the behest of her father (Chan)

Chan trying to escape from a British Prison.

Russian Pirates helping our Hero's Wife save him (while Charles Dance stays at home).

Any questions?

An odd Film experience all-around.  

So, this one has alot of back-story.  

It was a Sequel to a Russian Film that was a big hit.  It was co-Produced by China. 
Weird how a Film by these two has zero Gay Characters, huh?  Strange.  

Anyhow, this mishmash of Wuxia, Action Film, Fantasy and Historical is...as weird as that sounds.  It's never quite a full Martial Arts Film.  

It's never quite a Fantasy Exploration Film.  

It is never quite a Film where magic is 100% real.  

For instance, it retcons the ending of Viy/Forbidden Empire where he thinks that everything wasn't magic.  

At the same time, magic is definitely real, since we have a magic dragon and a Witch.  

At the same time, the Witch fakes the Dragon (as she can't control it).  

She also fakes having magic bodyguards by way of technology.  

She also has magical masks that allow her (and others) to look like the Princess.  

So...is it real or not?  

The Film's biggest problem is focus.  

It opens with a long bit of exposition about the dragon...which doesn't matter until like the hour mark (if that).  

It sets up Flemyng's Lead...only to constantly forget about him.  

It sometimes remembers its Characters throughout until *most* of them show up for the ending.  

It begins and ends like a Wuxia Film with either Donnie Yen, Jet Li or, well, Jackie Chan in a small role.  

In the middle, it's Russian Kreplach, American French Fries, British Bangers and whatever Country you think Arnold's accent is supposed to represent here.  

Let's see if this Russian Poster clears anything up...

A weird-ass mish-mash of Genres.  If you like your Desert with your cheap Steak and your Sushi, this one is for you...weirdo.