Mask-Off: Phantom of the Paradise

To conclude this weird look at a fairly-forgotten character as a horror icon, let's look at something that is scary for all the wrong reasons. This one is brought to you by another quite famous director, but will the results be different? 

Well, the first thing to note is that this film was made in 1974, so it pre-dates the previous two films by over a decade. 

The second thing to note is that it was directed by Brian De Palma, the man behind Dressed to Kill and Sisters. There are many moments when it is definitively a De Palma film for sure! 

It is also the official debut film of Jessica Harper, who, if you are anything like me, you know as the girl from Suspiria. She is our lead in the picture and, interestingly enough, does look very similar to other mistresses of the Phantom that would come later. 

The similarities in this version are very few, so they must be mentioned. Without further build-up, I bring you...

The Phantom of the Paradise

Oddly enough, the film begins with a long musical number by a band called- seriously- The Juicy Fruits. This wannabe Sha Na Na sings for a few minutes before a random guy wanders on while the stage is being cleaned and sings. This is when one of our two villains- a dead ringer for Meatloaf- begins to seemingly talk to the audience. We learn that he actually talking to the other villain, who we do not see until later. The man on stage sings a song, making it two in the first ten minutes. This is definitely a musical! They take the guy's music and pay him nothing. Well, at least it stops there. Oh wait, they just kicked him out of their building. At least it stops...oh, they beat him up when he dresses in drag and tries to talk to the man again. At least...they beat him up, plant drugs on him and send him to jail. At...oh and they put him in a prison experiment which involves him having his teeth replaced with metal dentures. This finally causes him to snap (this man is freaking Gandhi!) and try to smash all of the Juicy Fruit (giggle) records. Incidentally, he just runs out of prison. During the attempt, he falls into a record press and is maimed. Revenge is coming...eventually.
Wandering into the studio (this man is Solid Snake!), he wanders into the prop department & gets a leather get-up and a Prince of Space- style mask. He sets a bomb in a prop car used for a dress rehearsal. After a long build-up (plus a whole scene shot in split-screen), the bomb blows up, but neither kills nor hurts anyone. 

Damn, Phantom- you suck! 

He gets spotted by the boss (played by Paul Williams) and captured. Somehow, the man is tricked into a signing a contract to finish the rest of the work that he had started on. You can't trust him- he's The Penguin! Within less than a minute, we learn that the man is going to be betrayed again when his work is done. In addition, the young lady that our Phantom is swooning is over is taken off of the lead role to be replaced by a new singer. The man's name- Beef!

 Here's some historical irony for you: the lady is replaced by an effeminate male singer. The man dresses a lot like the lead from The Rocky Horror Picture Show (it came out the next year), while our lead actress would later star in Shock Treatment, the sequel to that film!

I smell trouble brewing...Don't stop now- it only gets weirder, folks. The man is introduced to the public in a big show and backed by a band that dresses like KISS' cousins. Oh and they are the same men who also played The Juicy Fruits. 

We see in rehearsals that the show is changing drastically, even to the point where Beef is allowed to make up his own lines. When he finally finishes writing the lines in time for the show, The Phantom is walled up in his studio! He lets loose a loud scream which somehow goes through the whole building. 

One cut later and we see that he has broken loose and knocked out/killed the guards at the door. How? They never say. The power of love, I guess. 

He makes his way towards the stage as the show begins...and what a show it is! The KISS wannabes sing near the audience and fake chopping up fans! They use these 'parts' to assemble Beef, who sings a weird-ass song. 

As a bonus, their background is literally stolen from The Cabinet of Dr. Caligari! Our Phantom gets revenge by throwing a lightning bolt-shaped light at Beef, which fries him to death on stage. 

Desperate, the men send out Ms. Harper to sing the next part, which the crowd loves. They love Alice Cooper-esque shows and opera? What a crowd!
But wait, there's more! 

On the roof, Harper rejects the Phantom and runs to the villain. She indulges in rock excess and seems too far gone. We learn that they plan to kill her in the next show! Why? Because it's televised and ratings would go through the roof. Clearly this guy does not plan long-term! 

We still need one more plot twist to make this confusing and silly, so here we go. Going through film reels in the man's office, The Phantom discovers that our villain made a deal with the Devil (aka his reflection shown in a red tint) to stay young again. This explains an earlier scene where our hero tried to commit suicide, but he could not die without the villain's say-so. 

Okay, it does not really explain it all that much. So our hero rushes towards the stage to stop the sniper who is going to shoot our heroine on cue. He does so and pulls off the villain's mask, revealing- for some reason- his scarred face. 

It was not scarred before, but it now because...I got nothing. Grabbing a nearby mask with a point on it, 

The Phantom stabs the minute villain and kills both of them in the process (since the contract dies with the villain). His mask comes off and our heroine figures everything out. 

Oh and the dancing crowd figures nothing out and just keeps dancing. The End.
That was...well, odd. All of the basic ideas are there (young opera singer, Phantom, etc), but warped to a really weird degree. Our heroine is a young singer named Phoenix- SYMBOLISM!!!- who does not exactly fall in love with the Phantom. Our Phantom is a misfigured music composer who has metal teeth and talks through a voice box. Congratulations, you just made another Doctor Phibes! In this film, our Phantom is mostly a hero, although he does kill a guy just for singing his music instead of Phoenix. Oh and remember my comments about the overly-done Faust referrences in the first of three Phantom films? Well, this one ups the ante! Not only does the show do 'Faust,' but our villain makes a deal with the devil, as well as our hero and heroine (albeit by proxy)! Do you get it?!?!? As a film, it is experimental and weird to a fault. It is a cult film in all of the best and worst ways. If you ever said, 'I wish Brian De Palma did a musical with glam rock and opera,' you are in luck. If you love the famous musical by A.L.W., look elsewhere. This is just it's weird, freaky cousin that nobody likes to talk to at the receptions.
Up next, Dolph Lundgren makes a film about time-travel. Ironically enough, it was locked in a vault for nearly three years. Stay tuned...

Mask-Off: Phantom of the Opera (1998)

I must first state two things at the start of this review. First off, I really love Dario Argento's films as a whole. His flair, sense of storytelling and use of camera work is amazing. Secondly, I heard nothing but bad things about this movie before I watched it. Based on what people said, it would be worse than The Stendhaal Syndrome (the only Argento film released on DVD by Troma!) and Trauma (which I still have not seen). How could it be this bad? It's directed by 'The Maestro of Gore' and stars Julian Sands, who is a very underrated actor in genre films! Sure, it stars Asia Argento in the lead, but is this really another case of The Godfather Part III? Let's find out in my review of...

Il Fantasma dell'opera

And yes, I do think that using the Italian title makes me seem clever. Thanks for noticing.

For better or for worse, the film deviates from the source material very early on. Of course, this is still nothing when compared to the final Phantom film I have for you tomorrow. Our Phantom is an orphan left in the sewers and raised by rats. No, they don't ever explain exactly how that works. One time-jump later and we have Julian Sands lurking in the sewers. Through some exposition, we learn that it is dangerous to go down there because everyone is killed when they wander in. Why? Because rats are killed when they wander to the surface. It's just karma! Through spying, he discovers a young opera singer (Asia) and is instantly attracted. Fortunately, he is telepathic and begins to communicate with her. What? You find this to be odd? I don't know why. I should also note that this Phantom is not scarred in any physical. Emotionally- he's obviously in a bad place. The conflict comes into play when a local lord has it in for our heroine as well. Our young woman is conflicted- who can she love? Will it be the man who can give her everything or the bad guy from The Medallion? Choices, choices.

One thing that is quite noticeable is that Argento did not cast a classically-trained opera singer as the lead...well, opera singer. Of course, we all know why he cast who he did. To be fair, she does lip sync pretty convincingly. Another change is that he does not help her learn to be a better singer. Why this omission is made is completely beyond me. I have never been one to question Argento's ways. Well, okay, I do question why he casts his daughter in the lead when said role 'requires' there to be a rape scene of sorts (both in Stendhaal and this film). Then again, this is the guy who had his eldest daughter 'killed off' in the beginning of Phenomena and has 'killed' his ex-wife on at least three occasions.

The climax of the film is pretty much what you would expect, although with an interesting twist or two. The Phantom actually sends Asia and the royal off to safety as he dies in battle with the police. Why? Because he is afraid that they will kill her off now that they know she has been involved with himself. Incidentally, he actually gives up on Asia and lets her be with the other man. This is another change in the story that you just sort of have to deal with. Dramatically, the pair row off to safety as our heroine cries out in anguish. The End.

I may get some flack for this, but I did not hate this movie. Is it as good as Suspiria or Tenebre? No, not really. Is it a bit silly that Asia plays the lead role here? Maybe a little. I think Julian Sands did a really good job in his role, despite it being a departure from the usual version we get. One curious thing is that the 80s version is actually bloodier than this one. To be fair, the atmosphere and setting is much better done in this version though. It is helped by not actually being shot on a Universal sound stage or anything like that. Moments in the film have the Argento flourish, but many of them are just dirty and grimy. The film is mostly set in a sewer though. Anyone who thinks that Argento has lost his touch in the wake of this film needs to watch The Mother of Tears or Do You Like Hitchcock. Even at nearly 70, the man has still got it. Everyone just has bad times, even directors of classic films. Does Alexander ring a bell?

To finish out the trilogy, one more classically-trained director takes his shot at the tale. This one does have singing...just not the kind that you would think. Stay tuned...

A New Low: 9/11-sploitation

I have been bothered by this for a long time, but did not feel right bringing it to a public venue. The date being what it is though, it just feels right.

9/11-sploitation

This is just a terrible idea and I wish that it would go away. The basic idea is to make movies that reference the event or are inspired by the imagery of it. Yeah, we all want to relive it through cinema! There are many levels of it and different offenders that bear mentioning.

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1. Cloverfield: While not an outright culprit, it knows just what it is doing. A mysterious event suddenly happens in NYC while everyone is caught off-guard. Everyone is running and giant dust/debris clouds litter the street. Everyone films all the destruction as well. I might forgive this movie if it did not suck.

2. W.T.C./United 93: I might get some flack for including this, but hear me out. For one thing, the first film is all about the heroic sacrifices of the men, but changes their names and turns one black man into Nicolas Cage! The latter is supposedly quite realistic based on what we know from the supposed phone calls. Oh, so you wanted it to feel gritty- thanks.

3. Reign Over Me: This weepy Adam Sandler film (how rare is that) is also not a major offender, but is pretty dumb for what it is. Adam's character is heart-broken because he lost his family in 9/11. That's very sad. Why does it have to be this event? It could not be a car accident/cancer/any other plane crash? It just feels so tacked on and stupid.

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There are a few more minor and major offenders of this. While I will admit that most of them are not super-callous, the sheer idea of this even being thought up is bad enough. This is coming from a guy who lives in Florida and lost nobody that day. I have no real connection to the event, but can see why so many people still do. There's no need to do this, so why bother? At least District 9 is a vague allegory on the events it is based on. Just stop it.

Mondo Dictionary: The 'Evil Dead' Effect

Every once in a while, a film comes along that changes the way that films are made. Just look at the rash of Satanic films after Rosemary's Baby or the entire sub-genre of Brucesploitation. A lot of times though, the impact of these films gets forgotten as years go by. I want to change that, at least in regards to one thing:

The 'Evil Dead' Effect

Evil Dead 2: Dead by Dawn was a major hit on the burgeoning video market of the late 1980s and influenced a ton of films. Horror films stopped being just scary and started to be 'wacky.' Admittedly, some of this comes from the impact of Robert Englund's increasingly parody-styled performances in the Nightmare on Elm Street films. To get a real idea of this film's impact, just look at some of the movies that followed it.

*Waxwork and Waxwork II turned from fairly-scary to overtly-comedic. This is especially true in the second film, which parodied The Haunting and Aliens.

*C.H.U.D. II is a horror comedy, when the original is a fairly-serious horror film about monsters beneath the sewers. While there were jokes, it was played quite straight.

*The Return of the Living Dead films are so tongue-in-cheek that they cannot breathe. 'Nuff said.

*The Monster Squad re-unites all of Universal's monsters for the first time in over 40 years. What does it feature? Garlic bread burning Dracula and the Wolfman being kicked in the nuts. Wow.

*All of Peter Jackson's early films (Bad Taste to The Frighteners). Do I need to explain this one?

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There are more of them out there, but this is just a sample. For future movie terms, keep reading. Up next is a term that basically 'sucker punches' subtlety. Stay tuned...

Mask-Off: Phantom of the Opera (1989)

Everybody loves the Phantom right? What do you mean that he is known mostly for that stupid musical where he is supposed to be a romantic icon? Have we forgotten his roots? He is a scary character that is most famous for his portrayal by Lon Chaney Sr! He is not some guy who looks cute and fences like Errol Flynn! Never mind the fact that he was played in the 2004 film by Gerard Butler, who later went on to play Leonidas in 300. He's still a wuss. We need to remind people that there was a big, scary villain that lived in the sewers. I have just the man for the job too: Robert f-ing Englund! Let's take a look at the '80s version of the story produced by the King of Sub-Par Cinema in his day: Menahem Golan. This is...

The Phantom of the Opera (1989)

Our story begins with a fake quote from a man's last words- good start. They give us a present day (of 20 years ago) location in what looks like Chicago or New York. Thank you, vague camera work and night shots! We meet our heroine and her friend...Molly Shannon of SNL fame?!? I guess you have to start somewhere. She has discovered a rare copy of an old sonata by the same man who they quoted earlier. While her friend is away, our friend finds a copy of his masterpiece- 'Don Juan Triumphant'- and begins to sing the words. This causes the text to turn into blood, but it only lasts for a moment and no evidence is left. Um, Big-Lipped Alligator Moment anyone? The pair go to some auditions the next day for an opera. As she sings from the piece, a sandbag swings down at her...causing the space-time continuum to crash. She wakes up in 1885 London and is greeted by her friend...who is not Molly Shannon anymore. Anyone going to ask questions here? No? Alright then.

Everyone just sort of goes along with this as our heroine is the understudy to a Diva of the highest sort. A mysterious man talks to her through her mirror, which she has no problem with. Wow, you really question nothing, do you? We get our first bit of horror as the Phantom kills the man who dropped the sandbag. Why? Didn't he set this all up for you? He brings the guy up on a rope and cuts the man open, causing him to have what I refer to as a 'kill-gasm' face. That night, he dumps the body in the star's room, who oddly comes alive. Who survives being skinned like that, only to die when a lady shows up? This fright causes the Diva to lose her voice and a new star is born. By the way, the boss is played by Bill Nighy, before he got typecast as a vampire. Our heroine does very well, although a critic the next day is extremely rude. That man runs into the Phantom and gets his head bashed into a wall. Everyone's a critic...killer, I guess. She takes the criticism badly and goes to her dad's grave...to feel better. The Phantom meets her and takes her to his lair, but not before using violin music to stop her fiancee. Huh?

The movie only gets weirder and bloodier as it goes by. The girl insists that the Phantom play his sonata from 'Don Juan' and sings along. When it ends, he asks how she knows the lyrics, to which she has no answer. Didn't you send her...I thought you...oh, screw it. He lets her go when she agrees to do the show once more. Does this actually happen in the movie though? Nope- only one opera per film. She meets up with her fiancee, but cannot see him for fear that the Phantom will kill him. Why? He's only killed one worker, three thugs and a critic already. Despite her concerns, she goes to a ball for all the people involved in the show. Oh and remember that great reveal of the Phantom's face in the Chaney version? We get that, only in a weird segment where he removes all of his make-up and features...by himself! That's not the same! He goes undercover as the villain from 'Faust' (the opera being performed), but also with a touch of Death from The Masque of Red Death. He pulls the Diva aside when she hears that the woman wants back in the show. They pull the food out and reveals the soup...which has her head in it! Still hungry? He takes the starlet back to his lair and the rat-catcher leads the police to there, with the fiancee in tow. A long battle takes place, which end with the lair set in flames and the Phantom shot several times. Movie over? No.

Not knowing when to quit, the movie has our heroine wake up. She is told that she got the part and will get to meet the backer...who is Robert Englund with no make-up. Ahh, he's still scary! He takes the woman back to his place in order to get ready for a party. He goes upstairs, while she goes through all of his stuff. We get the 'shocking' reveal that he is the Phantom still. Yeah, that makes sense. She plays a floppy disc of his which plays the same part from 'Don Juan' again. Way to make the most of this song, movie! He uses the same line from earlier, which leads her to pull of his false face! After a struggle, she stabs him and walks off with his music. Our Phantom is a wuss in the present day! She rips up his music and dumps it in the sewer, which causes him to die. It all makes sense in the story...kind of. Later still, she walks down the road and a man plays 'Music of the Night' on the violin. Do they follow up on this? No. The End.

This movie is honestly pretty good, but the wrap-around story is just so pointless. On top of that, the symbolism is really forced. Consider this: the opera is 'Faust' and, during the performance, they show us a scene where Englund's character sells his soul to the Devil...in the form of a midget. I guess it has to do with Twin Peaks' popularity at the time. On top of that, he dresses like the Satan character near the end. We get it, movie! The big thing about this movie is the gore. It is pervasive, dramatic and generally-well done. The only problem is that some of it is completely and utterly pointless. Did we need two scenes of him sewing and un-sewing his face? I didn't think so. I will say that this film is criminally ignored though. It is an 80s horror film starring Robert Englund and it is obscure? How did that happen? Give this one a rent if you love some bloody, old-school horror.

Up next, a famous horror director takes his shot at it. Will he do any better or will nepotism get in the way? Stay tuned...

Straw Deaths: Dark Harvest

Are you scared of inanimate objects? Do you find straw scary? Do you think that farms are the root of all evil? If so, you are the perfect recipient of a nearly-forgotten sub-genre of Scarecrow Horror films. This all goes back to 1987's Scarecrows, an interesting little horror gem that I reviewed back in June. I watched this movie a while ago, but put off reviewing for a simple reason: there are three of these. I felt weird only reviewing one of them, since the other two sounded utterly hideous. However, there was a brief spike in the genre with Messengers 2: The Scarecrow. While I still have not seen the sequels, I will buckle down and review...

Dark Harvest

Our story begins with a bunch of random killings on a farm. Okay, that's an interesting way to start a film. We also get the first glimpse of the film's super-low production values with the bad film stock and crappy blood work. Bad blood effects in a horror movie- oh, joy. Basically, this farmer has used his dead slaves as scarecrows, killed the guy who found out and was subsequently killed by the police. We abruptly cut to a small claims office where a young man and his girlfriend are collecting a claim from an old uncle. He inherits a farm and decides to go check it out. Dun dun dun! His girlfriend wants them to take all of his friends, but he is wary of it. Why? A pair of them are lesbians and he does not get along with them. He's not a biggot- so he claims- but he just does not particularly like one of them. Of course, they all end up going and end up in the middle of nowhere. They find the old place and it is not exactly the Hilton. Then again, it is dirty and barely suitable for human life, so maybe it's...nah, I won't go there.

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One night goes by without a single killing. Instead, we get drunken chatter and pointless padding. It is supposed to make them fleshed out characters, but it is frankly just dull. The only upside is a scene where the lead goes to get ice and runs into a mysterious woman. She is supposed to look eerie, although a long-shot shows that her skin tone is due to make-up that stops right at her neck. Good shot, guys. He learns the next day that she was apparently a ghost or something (they never really say). Him and his black friend (not to be confused with Stephen Colbert's) go down to the lake to find...some random nudity. Yes, this abruptly you get to see the man's girlfriend and all three of the other women either topless or doing full-frontal. Why? Do you need a reason? Unfortunately, this scene ends abruptly as well and that is all we get in the nudity department. Finally, we get some killing as the scarecrows go on the attack! We get a couple of them on screen, but this movie has a love for not showing you the gore. Bastards!

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Our heroes hide out in the house, but that proves to be barely safe as one of them get stabbed through the door. Gee, I thought that the wooden thing would stop the blade! Another girl goes down as they scramble out the door. Of course, the film does not show the blade go in or anything. Two of them get strung up in the field on the pillars that previously held the villainous monsters. Oddly, one of them is dead, but the other is left alive. She struggles to free herself, which proves to be tricky with the barbed wire around her wrists. Meanwhile, the lead girl helps the wounded black man into the barn and goes off for help. She comes back a little later to find him dead! Wow, another off-camera death- thanks. She meets up with one of the few surviving women and explains the whole thing, only to be dragged off-camera and killed. Okay, this is getting old. It's not being dramatic or clever- it's just lazy. A pair of them make it to the car and meet the woman who was strung up, but the latter dies. After killing two of the monsters, our hero gets trapped and cornered, but saved by the woman (not his lady) who sends a really fake fireball effect at the monster. The End? No, the movie actually ends with Outtakes and Bloopers that just run after the credits with no lead-in. O-kay. Now? The End.

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This movie is just bad, plain and simple. It's production values were so low that I thought it was made in the 1990s! Apparently, it was made in 2003, despite their crappy film-stock. Do I even need to comment on the acting? The three Scarecrow killers are played by two men in bad masks and overalls. Gee, those clothes held up really well for over 40 years of non-care too. Just look at these guys in comparison to the ones from 1988's Scarecrows and you will have a good laugh. The gore is laughable and barely-displayed. On the positive side, they covered their lack of quality with photography. On the negative side, they keep killing people off-screen! I know I might be harping on this, but it is a big blight in a horror film about death and murder. Fail. What makes it even funnier is how the people behind it are adamant about their film NOT being related to Dark Harvest 2 or 3. Way to take a stand, idiots.

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Up next, a pair of film directors try to spice up a horror classic. Just to note: these do not involve as much singing as you would expect. Stay tuned...

Great Moments in Stock Footage: Wild World of Batwoman

This little movie has mostly been forgotten, save for some mild exposure it got during one of the best shows of all time: Mystery Science Theater 3000. It is the tale of a young woman in a silly outfit who leads scantily-clad woman to battle an evil, mad scientist. The whole thing makes almost no sense and was made to cash in on the popularity of the Batman live-action show. This is the reason why it appears in this segment...

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There is a scene towards the middle where the villain is giving one of his comrades a tour of his lair and opens a door to show some of his monsters. This immediately cuts to...stock footage from the low-rent film The Mole People. Um...they aren't in this movie. Apparently, the director got this clue as well, since the movie cuts away from them after about a minute. That was completely pointless, movie. Thanks.

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Up next, Bruno Mattei goes to Africa by way of...Japan? Stay tuned...

Random Shout-Out!

For those not following my blogs, I was wondering why my last one- The Top 12 Weirdest Japanese Movie Monsters- suddenly shot up in hits from around 190 to 2,000! I figured it out. I got me a plug from the site!

http://thatguywiththeglasses.com/podcasts/tranmission-awesome/11253-taep32

In the latest Transmission Awesome video, they plugged me as one of the Awesome Blogs of the Week! Your first real internet plug is always the one you remember. If you guys actually read my site too, let me just say 'Thanks.'

Having actually listened to it, my Blog post is plugged by both Spoony (whose videos I love) and Paw (the music critic for T.G.W.T.G.). What an honor! I don't know what to say.

Oh and I have a new one coming out today. Just so you know...

Time Hijinks: The Final Countdown

Time travel is always a double-edged sword. If you go back and change things, your own history can be re-written dramatically. At the same time, if you go back and do nothing, what the hell was the point of going back? Some films handle this balance well (the underrated film The Returner), while others mire the whole thing in the muck (the recent release retroGRADE). Where does today's film fall in there? You just have to wait and see. What you need to know is that this was a big-budget release and features many famous character actors like Kirk Douglas and Martin Sheen. This all sounds great, right? Find out the truth in my review of...

The Final Countdown

Just an FYI: the song by Europe was made in 1986 and is not featured in this movie, which was made in 1980. I know- I'm sad too.

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In 1980, a man (Martin Sheen) is sent onto the U.S.S. Nimitz as an observer. He meets up with the Commander (Kirk Douglas) and his second-in-command (James Farentino). There is also a bit of foreshadowing with the unseen bosses of Sheen's character. That won't pay off until later, so don't worry about that. They show the man around the ship before heading out to sea. Unfortunately for them, a pretty cheesy effect appears in front of them and sucks them in. They find themselves in the past. This is determined when their military radio chatter is replaced with old WWII chatter and a Jack Benny radio show. Wow, you are a master of subtlety, movie. The Commander sends out some scout ships to find out what is going on. The men discover some genuine Japanese Zeros strafing about. The evil 'Japs' shoot up a ship featuring a United States Senator (Charles S. Durning) and his dog. They survive due to the intervention of the American ships. Does this make a time paradox? Evidently not.

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The time manipulation keeps coming as they shoot down two Japanese planes, rescue one pilot and all of the survivors. Remember: we should not interfere. Apparently, history shows that the Senator 'disappeared' during this time period originally, so history is changed even further. Fortunately, one of the crew just happens to be a giant history nerd and have a super-comprehensive book on WWII. Of course, his book should be changing as they interact with this time period...but let's pretend that I did not say that. Our heroes realize that they have been dropped off right before the bombing of Pearl Harbor! What will they do? Do they intercede or let history be kept intact? Why stop now when you've already affected at least three incidents? Both sides argue their case, but get side-tracked when the Japanese POW tries to escape. They trick him by telling him about future events and kill him. Before this, he shot a pair of guards, which raises one question: is it still murder if you kill people before they were even born?

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Here is the big problem with this movie: they crap out on the ending. The lead guy decides that they finally need to intercede, under the pretense that they are following FDR's orders. Yeah...that makes sense. They plan to dump the Senator off on a random island and keep him safe, but he freaks out when he learns this. In a struggle, he sets off a flare and blows up the helicopter. This fixes a time travel gap involving the man being next in line to be Vice President in place of Truman. I'm sure that this is comforting for his family, guys! Oh and one of them (Farentino) gets dumped overboard. Right before our heroes can, you know, act like the plot demands, the mysterious effect reappears and sucks them back. Thanks for copping out on the ending via a Deus Ex Machina! I was worried that something interesting might happen! They return to the present- except for those that died- and we get the big reveal on who Sheen's boss is. It's Farentino's character, who has survived this whole time and become a rich guy. So, was he the boss all along? According to most views of time travel, that is completely impossible. Maybe, I should just say this...The End.

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This movie is good, but disappointing overall. This movie has a great promise, a great cast and good production values. The direction is solid as well, in the hands of Don Taylor. He had a mixed success with films ranging from the good (Escape from the Planet of the Apes) to the utterly awful (Damien: The Omen, Part II). The movie just refuses to delve into the potential of what they set up though, which is especially when you consider that this film is credited to four different writers. Couldn't one of you done a real neat bit or two? I may get some flack for this, considering the big, cult following that this movie has. While I consider it to be pretty obscure- much like The Black Hole- it actually has a release on Blu-Ray! Then again, they felt the need to re-release Caddyshack in high-definition too. Maybe we should save that for other movies, guys. Give this one a rent, but don't expect a big blow-out ending.

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Up next, a film about ghost women, killer scarecrows and naked women. That's a trifecta I can live with! Stay tuned...

Impossibly-Cool Cover Art: Godzilla vs. Megalon

Godzilla movies are a staple of international cinema. While not all of them are good, most of them are famous for the right reasons. Part of their appeal has been in the promotion. Trailers, posters and teaser work have done this series wonders. Case in point, one of the lowest points of the series is made greater with a poster...

You really want to see that, don't you? Well, don't. This scene never happens and never could happen. At least they didn't make the title up into something completely different...

Why have I never heard of this movie? Because it's a complete lie of a title. He spends less than a minute on the damn island! The Atkins Diet has worked well for Godzilla though. Oh, well. This poster is still better than actually watching Godzilla vs. Megalon.

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Up next, a case of foreign posters making something seem much more interesting. Stay tuned...

My Labor Day Special, Comrades!

How do you celebrate the annual day of labor in the United States? How about with some cartoons? I mean, after all, these films are usually made by cheap Vietnamese labor, so it's a perfect fit. These cartoons, however, are free of that manual labor and instead are the works of different, starving hands. Today, I bring you the best animated work to come out from behind the 'Iron Curtain.' For no particular reason, I bring you...

Animated Soviet Propaganda

In a four DVD set, the best works from this era have been unearthed. All of these, as the name would imply, were designed to promote the Communist agenda around the world. Of course, most of these works have not been seen by Imperialist eyes until this release. These cartoons are a mix of animation styles, quality and color (some are black and white). They cover many subjects, from American Imperialists to Facist Barbarians. The one common thing is that they have all the subtlety of a giant hammer and sickle to the head. Much like The Return of Fritz the Cat, I am going to analyze the thing as separate pieces.

*One of them is about a boat that is made by a small child and set to the sea. For no apparent reason, every nation's naval forces are trying to destroy it. Maybe it has something to do with the name of the boat: Communism. The boat manages to survive by constantly being taken in by small countries, fixed up and put back in the water. I can't help but feel that there is some symbolism here somewhere...

*Another one deals with a rich man in America who moves off to a desert island to enjoy his money. Unfortunately for him, oil is discovered on this island...because that makes sense...and suddenly everyone wants to get it. Oh, I get it. His love of wealth has turned full-circle and he has to fend people off who want to get his money. I almost did not get that!

*One is the tale of a dog who gets his old lady owner's fortune. The beast becomes just as bad as the real people around him. He even joins the United States Congress! I can smell the symbolism a mile away. This is more of an insult towards Communists than it is towards us. Who else needs their messages so blunt that Willie Nelson would smoke them?

*My personal favorite is the tale of a young man who moves to America to make it back. He finds no jobs there, however, and is quite down. Incidentally, this man never speaks, which could be why he can't get any jobs in the service industry. Finally, he gets a job cleaning up in a shooting gallery! One day, a man accidentally fires at him, which piques the other rich men's interests. Soon enough, our man is a human target in a shooting gallery! Not only that, but he gets married and lives there!

These cartoons are a real trip to watch! The earliest ones come from the 1920s, while the latest ones are from the 1970s. The animation quality ranges from cutout to genuinely good. The actual restoration quality is a mixed bag as well, given the source materials at hand. Every disc comes with a documentary that explains the context of every cartoon on them as well. You really don't need most of them, but they do accent the whole thing. If you are looking for some really weird bits of history, look no further. This is something else.

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Up next, a film about time travel, airplanes and Martin Sheen. Stay tuned...

Wuxia Week: Dragon Tiger Gate

I'd like to finish up this celebration of fantastical Chinese cinema with a film that is very much in the vein of Wuxia. As some of you might know, The Evil Cult was one of the last films of the 'boom period' for this style of cinema back in 1993. When this big-budget epic did not do well, the people behind-the-scenes saw the market as a lost cause. It is sort of like how Alexander was the last gasp of the massively-budgeted fantasy/period-piece action films. Now, jump ahead fifteen years to this film, which is an adaptation of a popular comic book over there. While not traditional Wuxia, this film is very much its 'weird cousin.' You know, the guy who looks sort of like you and wants to play with you, even though he looks a bit 'off.' Is this movie worthy of cutting in line to get some cake? Will I end this analogy sometime today? Find out in my review of...

Dragon Tiger Gate

The film begins with a fairly brief narration explaining the basic back-story. Basically, there is a good Dojo/facility that offers training to all of a pure heart that want to learn. Two brothers were being groomed to take over when one of them joined up with the real world instead. The two of them must work together to be a real strong force for good though. Make note of all of this and see how much of it becomes 100% true later.

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Our story begins with a young woman approaching a giant restaurant right out of Tom Yung Gong. She meets with two older men on the top floor about a seal. Why am I having Ninjas and Dragons flashbacks now? This object is of great symbolic importance as two gangs battle for control of it. No clear reason is given for its value other than this, so let's go with it. Meanwhile, at the bottom, our hero is eating lunch with his friends. A group of thugs from the one waiting for their boss downstairs start harassing some family at their table. Our hero jumps in and kicks their asses right quick. He sends a couple of them flying away in our first- but definitely not last- sign of this movie's crazy attitude. This alerts more of them who attack him one-at-a-time and get their asses handed to them. One great take-down involves a man jumping from the stairs and aiming for a table. He hopes to get around our hero, but he takes one leg out on the object with a sweep, causing the man to crash-and-burn. Another guy emerges from the crowd and can actually hold his own for more than two seconds. The film does not bother to tell us who he is yet though. A complete coincidence causes the seal to fall through a hole in the floor and our hero's friend takes it. Dun dun dun!

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We cut a bit later to a different restaurant where our hero and his friends are out celebrating. Earlier, we saw the evil business man send the lone tough guy and his wormy lackey out to get the item back, along with about 100 other 'red shirts.' They attack, but our hero's friends prove to be complete wusses in this, one of their only three scenes. We learn that our hero and company were drugged earlier, which makes the other heavy mad. He finally snaps when the lackey threatens him, leading to an all-out brawl. For his sins, the bad guy gets tossed into the ceiling and slammed through a table. Smackdown! All sense of logic and sanity go out the window as two men take on 100 without getting hit, even when said guys have swords. The fight ends up in the next room where an oddly-blond man is sitting. He brings his two nunchaku into the fight as well, sending more men flying. The slimy guy gets away and the seal is returned to its original owner. Our hero goes back to the D.T.G. and tells his master that he met with his brother again. Oh, thanks for holding out on us, movie! In addition, the nunchaku guy shows up there as well, but is refused entry. Apparently, mystique and unnatural hair is not enough.

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Starting now, the plot gets pretty elaborate and confusing. We are introduced to a lady that is the daughter of the evil businessman that the older brother works for. We also meet a different lady who has a huge crush on the same brother. This is all due to a flashback scene where he caught her falling out of a tree. She seduces him by letting him draw a tattoo on her shoulder- no, really- only to reveal that it was all a trick to keep him away from the businessman. Why? So that he can be assassinated in the middle of a baseball field. Our second hero bolts over- after slapping the lady- and tries to save the day, but arrives too late. He is wounded in the fight however. Meanwhile, we are suddenly introduced to a new villain who is going to battle our heroes. Do they all have to do that? Just look at Kung-Fu Hustle for another example of this. He kills the Master of D.T.G. and beats up his two lead pupils. The first lady takes those two a different great master to heal them, which he eventually does after 'dicking her around.' Meanwhile, the other lady uses some vague mystic arts to heal the other man, but dies after revealing- via another flashback- that the villain attacked her for being too nice. All three of our heroes, fresh with new power, go to fight the man. Oddly, they never fight together. Instead, the two men show up, lose and then the older brother shows up and wins. Way to build up the brothers working together, film. The End.

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Wow, this movie was just weird. Admittedly, most works that I have seen adapted from manga or anime (i.e. Battlefield Baseball, Riki-Oh, etc) have been odd as well. This film is rich in its mythology and does not do the best job of condensing it all for one film. There are a few too many characters for a film that is usually of this length and style. With that said, the action is great and full of silly CG effects. It is hard not to think of Kung-Fu Hustle here, but the film is slightly more realistic. Of course, I say that about a movie where a man learns a defensive technique for his nunchaku that creates a large 'bell' around him. I would also be remiss without mentioning the Dali-esque headquarters that the evil villain has or the part where he falls hundreds of feet down a passageway. You would think that he would have ended up in America by that point! The mix of comedy and drama is handled pretty well and the film is enjoyable. It is extremely silly, but I really liked it. Fans of fantastical kung-fu will have a good time here.

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Thus ends Wuxia Week. Up next is a special update for all of the workers out there. Stay tuned...

Wuxia Week: The Evil Cult

How do you describe a movie like this? How do you rationalize pure insanity in a way that makes any sense? Hmm...maybe I just should not try. This is a pure example of how Wuxia can just go completely 'off of the rails' and not ground itself in any logic. If you look at this movie for normal storytelling and logic, you are just going to be disappointed. If, however, you can fall in line with the narrative's craziness and play along, you will have a damn good time. Have I piqued your curiosity enough yet? If so, read on to my review of...

The Evil Cult

The film begins with a long prologue about how a secret text of kung-fu knowledge exists and has been sought out by everyone. Eventually, one sect got their hands on it and, feeling that it was too dangerous to be let loose, kept it locked away. We see a mass of kung-fu masters at their gates asking to have it. One head lady fights with all of the people to get what she wants, but is put down when the Master (Sammo Hung) shows up. The young leader (Jet Li's father in the film) tells them that he will 'take care of the situation himself.' He proceeds to summon up a ton of energy and...cause his heart to shoot out of his chest! Holy crap! I bet you did not see that shit coming! When pressed on the issue by the others, his mother cuts her throat! Bear in mind that Li's character is there for all of this. At least that is the only tragedy of his life. Oh right, I forgot to mention how he was attacked earlier and 'could not learn kung-fu.' That wasn't important, was it?

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In present day, adult-form, Li learns about a secret technique that cure his unspecified ails. His Master explains that a crazy old master knew it, but he was bested in combat. He also tells Jet about how, despite being over 100 years old, he can still 'get it up.' Thanks, I needed to know that. His character's son bullies our hero for a while until he meets up with the defeated master from earlier. He manages to trick the man into attacking him with the Solar Stance, thus curing him of his ailment. Wow, it's hard to imagine why this got got defeated. By the way, the man has retained all of his power, in spite of his spine being broken and his body being chained to a rock. This also gives Jet amazing powers that outclass all of his other rivals, yet again proving that years of training are no substitute for sheer, dumb luck and/or magic. Unfortunately, the other clans have still not gotten over the whole issue with the sword and the ancient text. The evil people- including some warlords and a kung-fu vampire- are out to get him, although the good clans have some edginess to them as well.

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I'll be honest with you: this plot is nearly impossible to follow properly at this point. People betray each other, lots of fights break out and two guards joke about who they want to rape. Wait, that last part sounds bad...unfortunately, it is real. They at least balance this out by having the vampire guy bite someone on the ass. Wait, that only makes it worse. The real selling point of the film is not the humor or the story: it is the action! People fly in completely improbable ways, shoot energy and do not die, even seven or eight swords go into their chests. Near the end, Jet Li's character learns 'Magic Stance' by looking at some walls in a room that he is trapped in. It supposedly takes years to learn, but, as we know from that old Sci-Fi Channel commercial, Jet defies most laws of common sense. He kicks lots of ass with it, but, just to be strange, a plot device keeps him from using it in one of the final fights. His enemies are not bound by any rules, which becomes clear when they fire super-heated sand at our hero. Hey, don't look at me- I don't make this stuff up. He manages to kill them using a giant bell and the stick used to strike it. Unfortunately, just as it gets really good...it ends. Why? Because of the planned sequel that has yet to be made.

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Don't be too down. They are actually releasing the sequel to Sword and the Sorcerer this year. Anything is possible.

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If you look at this film as a normal movie, you will be sorely disappointed. It is complicated, confusing and, at times, completely dumb. Let's be honest though: this is Wuxia. Does logic and normality apply? If you want normality, watch Ran. If you want to see Jet Li fly around and battle a vampire, watch The Evil Cult. Is the DVD quality great? Not really. Is the subtitle work great? Again, not really. Like many films of this ilk, it suffers from problems related to the choice of white as the subtitle color. Hey guys, let me give you a hint: white is a very popular color in Wuxia movies. Why don't you pick gold or something next time? I can guarantee that you will not see another movie quite like Cult. Is that a good thing or a bad thing? You decide!

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Let's close out this week with a Wuxia movie set...in the present day? Will it work? Stay tuned...

A Rare Case: The Dragon Lives Again

I'm used to foreign people being credited in movies under fake names. Joe D'amato is a famous one, as is Lewis Coates (aka Luigi Cozzi) and Clyde Anderson (aka Claudio Fragrasso). What is A Rare Case, however, is having an action star billed by a character's name that was not his own. On top of that, a lady is billed rather oddly on the same page. Check it out...

Just for the record, the man is playing 'James Bond.' Don't worry, I will talk about why in a future review. The lady is playing a version of famous porn character 'Emmanuelle,' although I don't know why it has to be from North Europe. Apparently, she doesn't have a last name, like Madonna and Sting. Yeah...that's it.

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Up next, a company screws up by being early? Stay tuned...

Wuxia Week: Duel to the Death

I will go right out and say it: I love this movie to death. It's the first film that I have rented via Netflix and said 'I need to own this!' Others have certainly followed, but your first time is always the best...or extremely awkward. In many ways, the plot of this movie will seem familiar, at least on the surface, to the film Duel of the Century. While that is true, this movie is 100% its own creation and proud of it. This Chinese-Japanese co-production is really great and you should own it already. Don't believe me? Check out my review of...

Duel to the Death

Our story begins with ninjas running down at a road at Benny Hill-esque speeds. They break into a Shaolin Monastery by way of reversing flip footage and go to work. They browse the library until they find a book they need and copy its text down. During their escape, they are discovered by the Monks and the fight is on! For some reason, the Elders don't want our hero to fight, but he ignores them eventually. It all moves down to the beach where the ninjas bury the script in the sand go all Taliban on the monks by suicide-bombing themselves! I bet you didn't see that coming! A bit later, the lead Japanese spokesman visits the Temple in preparation for the annual duel between China and Japan. Being a jerk, he gets dragged into a pointless fight with one of the lead Monks. This is here to show that the Chinese only fight when they must. Jingoism against the Japanese or foreshadowing- you be the judge!

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We are introduced to our Japanese hero by way of him teaching a kid to beat up another one. Hurray? He is very dutiful to his Emperor, another plot point that will come into play later. We also learn that some sort of hijinks are going on behind the scene. The man is attacked by a masked assassin, but kills him...only to learn that it was his master testing him. Japan is a strange place, huh? Meanwhile, we meet the Chinese hero's master: a drunken idiot who flips around and has a parakeet. That added a lot, movie. After the puppeteer scene mentioned earlier, the ninjas return and fight a new lady character introduced earlier. They take back the scroll from the beginning and are joined in battle by our Chinese hero. They retaliate by...throwing salt at them and flipping? Alright then. Both of our heroes meet up the key training area in the province and meet its master...who is sitting on a small boat in the middle of a pond. They jump over to him, but he moves away. This brings us the first insane use of physics. One of them kicks off of his sword blade in mid-air, while the other tosses his sword onto the water's surface and jumps off of it. Wow.

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The ninjas take center stage at this point and they are freaking awesome. The Master from the school earlier is attacked by a giant ninja. If you freeze frame it, the effect is gone though. The giant splits into four ninjas who...burrow into the ground like Bugs Bunny. They fly out at times and attack him. Okay, where is Stephen Chow's hand in this film? The last one leaps and reveals...a naked lady ninja who throws a net on the man. A little bit later, a fighter with a bad gray wig is attacked by a group of ninjas riding in on kites. Seriously? At a grave site of fallen warriors, some ninjas explode out of the ground and attack our heroes! They fly around like Peter Pan, but still fail. At one point, they even do the old 'poison on a string' drop bit! We learn that the Japanese have sent in these ninjas to capture all the warriors that are naturally drawn to the fight. The Chinese man pursues them through the woods as they fly with the boxes of warriors (really) by way of flipping around in tightly-edited shots. When he gets back, he finds the Master has had his legs cut off and runs in...to a trap? We learn via monologue that the man was actually born without legs and had hid it for his entire life. What hell the?!?

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The movie features what I call the greatest 5 seconds of Cinematic History. The Japanese man cuts one ninja from head to toe in one swing and stabs another one that is behind him. That man's body explodes...for some reason and the hero falls to the ground. A moment later, he stabs the ground, causing blood to fly out from a hidden ninja. Top that!

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All of the men are rescued from the ninja and the evil plotter meets an interesting, bloody end. I won't spoil that whole thing for you here. When the Chinese man refuses to fight now, the Japanese man kills the old master. See- I told you that plot point would come back, didn't I? They fight and holy crap is it bloody! Both men flip around and get wounded all over. Their action causes the rocks beneath them to shatter! Our Chinese hero gets one arm lopped off and loses all of the fingers on his other hand! Maybe you shouldn't grab the blade with your hand, dude! In the end, both men are bleeding all over, but who wins? The movie never tells us as it awkwardly freeze-frames. Um, you decide? The End.

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Do you see why I love this movie? It has ninjas flipping everywhere and turning into giant people! People get cut up all the time in flashy and bloody fashion. There is some silly stuff and real stodgy stuff in there (like the bit where the duo discuss their national plants for a moment), but it is easily forgiven for the action. On top of that, the DVD actually has a good transfer and *shock* the original audio track with subtitles. I don't know if any editing was done, but it does not feel like it. If you want to see kite ninjas, go get this movie already. What's stopping you? Not me.

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Up next, Jet Li learns kung-fu from a man chained to a giant rock. Intrigued? Stay tuned...

Magical Moments: Ninja Wars

You know that this week is special when I bring back a segment that has not been seen since May. Personally, I hate this movie, but feel that one completely insane scene has to be known. I do not recommend this movie by any stretch of the imagination! When Chinese cinema does ninjas badly, they really go for broke! I would also be remiss without mentioning Sonny Chiba's 'pivotal' role of two scenes that add nothing. In spite of this, he is featured on the cover seen below prominently and has top-billing. Enough stalling- check out the insane use of magic from...

Ninja Wars

The plot is too complicated to give in detail. What you need to know: the villains have kidnapped a princess and need her for a spell. Apparently, the thing needs the tears of a virgin. Wait- they have a plot device that also showed up in The Killer Tomatoes Eat France?!? When she learns this, she does the only logical thing: she cuts off her head via ninja magic (aka waving her arm in front of her throat). This causes no blood splatter. I mention this last part for a reason that will be clear later.

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What do the villains do in reaction to this? Grab another woman and cut her head off! This causes a Lone Wolf and Cub-style blood fountain to come up! Holy crap! Acting quickly, they put the Princess' head on that body and use magic to attach it. That's thinking outside the box, guys! Unfortunately, the payoff to this scene is a love potion being used on a fat lady who should definitely not be topless on screen. You're paying my therapist bills, guys!

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Up next, an in-depth look at the use of magic in a New Concorde barbarian series. Stay tuned...

Wuxia Week: Fearless Fighters

Want to see a Wuxia movie that actually has its own separate DVD release and only a fairly-crappy transfer? In fairness, it was released by Image Entertainment, the same company that made the version of Plan 9 From Outer Space that I own. Anchor Bay they are not, people. Anyhow, this DVD does give you a sign of how low kung-fu fans like myself have set our expectations by way of this sentence: 'In this DVD's defense, it does give us the original audio track.' That back-handed compliment aside, there is plenty more to say about this movie. Let's cut right to the chase and talk about...

Fearless Fighters

The film begins with one of the oddest and silliest opening scenes in Wuxai history. Our hero slaps a tree, leaps through the air, lands (in typical two-shot fashion) and has a sword full of impaled leafs. He pulls them off of the blade and...throws them like ninja stars into a tree. How does...why does...oh, screw it. The film proper begins with a horse transport of gold being attacked by some robbers. The first guy fires an arrow, only to have it thrown back at him. Marvel at this film editing trick...the first of the 100 times it is used in this film. The lone good fighter is poisoned via an arrow (a different one) and flees. Unfortunately for our robbers, another person shows up and stops them. This man (our hero from earlier) takes the gold by just leaping up from the ground to the top of a hill with the chest in hand. Yeah, that makes sense.

The poisoned old man goes home, gives up his whip and then dies. Thanks for playing, good sir! Our hero hides the gold...at his house, which the villain shows up at...because he's his brother! Dun dun d...damn, I should have picked a better spot. The first lackeys throw daggers, so you can guess what happens to them, can't you? While the man is away, his family is killed, the gold is stolen and he is arrested for the crime. They jump ahead a month and establish our four heroes: the two children (one male and one female) of the whip-user, a lady who intercedes and the original lead...who has a beard now. The first lady wants to kill our hero because she thinks that he is the thief, while her brother is ambivalent to a fault. He never gets mad about the whole thing, which feels really forced and silly. The other lady...just happens to show up and save the lone kid left in our hero's clan, which is enough for her. The villain gets mad that his brother escaped and hires a bunch of killers. Do you want a scene of random guys showing off what their weapons can do? Good thing.

Fearless is basically just a semblance of talking, fight scene, a little more talking, a lot more fighting, etc. One scene really encompasses the tone and style of this movie: the field fight. Bandits show up and the bearded hero fights. More show up and the lady fights. A third shows up, you guessed it, the other guy fights. Literally once the assassin introduction scene ends, they are fighting our heroes. What kind of segue is that guys? Oh yeah, my favorite guy (the Solar Ray of Death guy) goes down after one guy throws 'leaf darts' at him and they stab him as he lies prone on the ground. Dammit! The guy with the Klingon swords gets kicked into one of his prone weapons against a tree. Kind of cool, but very telegraphed. The kick-ass One Man Army guy seemingly kills our hero, only for his old master to save him from the fall (not shown), graft a replacement arm and leg on him (also not shown) and send him on his way (shown). After the other three heroes go off and fight the lead villain,- who has a sword and claw gloves- he shows up and kills people using his knife cane and 'launcher limbs.' When all three go down to one man (they all suck, apparently), our hero shows up and whoops the man in two minutes. The End.

Yeah, it just ends abruptly like that. A lot of these movies do that. I don't know why.

This movie is a good example of everything that is both right and wrong about Wuxia. On the positive, the action is fun, the editing techniques used are silly and the plot is minimalist. On the negative, the action is full of cliches, the editing looks ridiculous and the plot is minimalist. There are more edits in this than a Dick Cheney letter! The focus on the weapons is neat, but is not as good as such films as The Legendary Weapons of China. This film is definitely not the best kung-fu film ever (I'll get to one of those tomorrow), but is fun- plain and simple. If you want to see what Wuxia looks like, I would recommend this movie. If you want a good plot that does not feature implausible action, bad matte paintings and an overabundance of editing tricks, go rent Ran.

Up next, a film that almost features more ninjas than it does lines of dialogue. So, yeah, I love this movie and you will too. Stay tuned...

Poor Bastards of Cinema: Duel to the Death

There are many great heroes in the genre of Wuxia and many great villains. Somewhere between all of them are the random civilians that just exist in the towns that are being ravaged/enslaved/pillaged. Are they at fault? 99% of the time- no. I leave that margin of 1% for those who 'want to be heroes.' You know who you are, shopkeepers that stand up to random thugs from the Emperor! Anyhow, it would be easy to find a random guy who gets killed for no good reason in any of these movies. To really prove my point, I have a really good example from one of my favorite movies of all time and tomorrow's review. This comes to you from...

Duel to the Death

Don't let the uber-generic title fool you- this movie has so much for you. Wait until tomorrow for the full synopsis. This is the basic summary of what you need to know: Japan and China hold an annual duel between their two greatest swordsman. Only this time, some evil is afoot. Now here is why it makes the list.

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As the Japanese fighter arrives, lots of people have come in to see it. One Chinese man runs a puppet show depicting a comedic version of the event. One pair of Japanese men take offense at this and attack the man. Way to not take a joke, dude! They even kill the guy! Fortunately, the swordsman kills them in a very indirect way: by handing a knife to the widow and kicking a man into said 'knife.' You were a complete jerk...and now you are dead. Good job.

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Up next, a less-than-Special update. Wait- that sounded wrong. Stay tuned...

Wuxia Week: Legend of the Drunken Tiger

After so many generic films about dead masters, embarrassed clans and kidnapped princesses, someone had to just make something completely crazy. Naturally, this film has nearly been forgotten and only has a crappy DVD release to show for it. How about I let you know about this movie and why you should track down a pan-and-scan copy just to have it? I don't know- that sounds like a lot of work...oh, alright. This is...

Legend of the Drunken Tiger

Our film begins with some jerks stomping their way towards a bar full of people. One of those men in the bar is a drunken idiot. Let's ignore him and focus on...oh wait, he's our hero. Dammit! He gets involved in the situation when the men coming looking for trouble and they...disturb his bird that he brought with him. That's a good enough for me. The stereotypical old master- although, he does not have a white beard- shows up and challenges the bad leader to a fight. They lock up and...turn into stunt doubles that are about half their weight that flips and spin. The pair return to normal when the good guy wins and the bad guys depart...for now. We learn that their is some sort of political negotiation going on, but let's focus instead on the drunken idiot. Good call, movie! They learn that our hero is an expert in drunken kung-fu, which is good since he is barely ever sober. We also get a spear exhibition from one of the women. That pushes the plot forward- thanks!

This movie is not sure what it wants to be at times- an action film, a drama or a comedy. On one hand, the fights have been pretty good (and remain so). At the same time, there is some drama involving local politics that barely seems to go anywhere until the 3rd Act. More on that thing later. We are also treated to two different drunken kung-fu exhibitions by our lead- impressive, but pointless. The comedy comes in one part where our hero pretends to be a ghost to mess with some guy. Um, hurray? Now are you ready to have your minds blown? Too late to say 'No!'

Right after an exhibition, the film abruptly explains that a giant army was formed in 1900 to battle China at the command of a corrupt official & take over the Province that the film is set in. Those countries: Japan, Germany, Austria, Italy, France, England and America. You mean, the Boxer Rebellion? I could have sworn that it was done to stop Chinese people from killing Christian missionaries. Close enough. The film dramatically turns into a film of rebels fighting a military power. What the hell inspired that sudden change? Oh well, it's still better than Tokyo Zombie. Suddenly, our drunken idiot is now the key figure in the fight against, well, everyone else in the world.The real selling point of the movie is completely insane action scene at the end and the odd finale. After most of our leads die, our hero runs off into a field and is pursued by some *snicker* Yankees. So many crazy things happen in this scene that it is almost hard to describe in full. At one point, he kicks a soldier across the field as another dragon kicks over the man! Using Tekken-esque physics, our hero locks his body around one man whilst upside-down and flips him through the air, slamming him down and choking him out. One idiot gets kicked, nips up to his feet, only to get kicked again! He won't stay down! The high point is the man who tries to run away, only for our hero to flip through the air and give him what can only be described as a 'flying reverse headbutt.' Who thinks of this? After all of that, our hero meets up with the lone, surviving woman and...jumps into the ocean & swims away. The End? Evidently so.This movie is just completely random and insane. How does it turn into a different movie in the last forty minutes or so? Why is it so obsessed with showing people doing martial-arts exhibitions? How the hell did Germany join a union of country when it was not called Germany at the time?!? Here is the real kicker to all of this: despite the quality of this film stock, this movie was made in 1991! Did they give it the Grindhouse treatment or something? Did someone just piss all over the film stock and wipe it clean with a thick, scratchy towel? Will I make this whole paragraph out of questions and not answer them? The bottom line: if you like absurdity, track this movie down. At most, it will probably cost you a couple bucks.Up next, a film that features a weapon called The Solar Ray of Death. What else do you need to know? Stay tuned...

Impossibly-Cool Cover Art: Fearless Fighters

Now don't get me wrong: this is a good movie. It is completely nuts, but I won't go into the details right now...since I'm reviewing it tomorrow. I will say that the movie poster sells you on a few things that the movie does not actually have. Just look at the thing...

There are a couple of problems here. For one thing, the Archer in the top left is not a main character. He appears in the last fifteen minutes, fires an arrow in a bar, flies at the heroes and smashes into a table. That's it.

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The guy with the bear claws does not look nearly that cool either. Those things look like those Ug Boots Also, the guy in the bottom right never uses that pitchfork thing. I guess they just wanted another weapon on the cover. The worst one though is the Solar Ray of Death, which is not nearly as cool as it looks. You had to know that though.

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As an aside, why does it feature the woman with just her fists? The tag-line talks about the 'great weapons!' Okay, now I'm just being picky. You get the point.

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Up next, the actual update planned. One poster that is both tacky and bat-guano insane. Stay tuned...

Wuxia Week: Ninjas and Dragons

Another day, another average Wuxia movie from a multi-film bundle. This one comes from a set entitled 'Flicks with Kicks' and actually has some good ones in it. Of course, they are all cropped versions with badly-overlaid subtitles. You take the good with the bad, I guess. This one stands out as interesting because it has elements of Japanese productions and even a Japanese star. Ninjas plus Wuxia swordsmen in one movie? Sign me up! Strap yourself in for the strange brew that is...

Ninjas and Dragons

The movie is all about a seal that will give a certain military group enough authority to get funding for supplies needed to do a coup. Of course, our movie actually begins with a pointless scene of our Japanese hero stopping an attempt at pickpocketing in a public square. Thanks for sharing that, movie. Our next scene involves a really elaborate attempt at theft. A man discusses the seal with another as ninjas sneak in overhead. The visitor stops an attempt at poisoning and fells the mysterious men. The owner reveals that the men were about to steal a fake one and subsequently pulls out the right one. The visitor promptly stabs him in the heart and takes it, revealing next that the ninjas were actually his men and faked their demises. This does explain why they go down when the swords don't even get close to hitting them. Is this is a ridiculous and elaborate plan? Yes. Is this anything compared to Duel of the Century? No. Unfortunately, the man learns that what he stole was only one half of the seal. Time to get the rest, I suppose.

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From hereon out the plot gets a little more direct...sort of. The villain seeks out the daughter of the man who has the other half of the seal and kidnaps her with his ninjas. Meanwhile, we learn that the lone good ninja (the sole Japanese actor of note) is there on a plan of revenge, since one of the General's men killed his master. We are shown this via a fight scene flashback, a combination of two things that we will see a lot in these movies. Using his leverage, the man steals both parts of the seal by way of his ninja leader. The good ninja follows in hot pursuit, but gets caught after a long fight. He ends up being held in the same place as the woman, although escape proves harder than they think. It does not help that the place is led by a transsexual (if the dubbing is to be believed) who is quite tough. To make it worse, we learn the secret of the evil ninja: it is three people who work as one. By the way, one of those three is a midget, who proves to be a big- pun completely intended- jerk to every lackey around. A pair of escape attempts by the pair go sour, but, fortunately, there is a Chinese hero to save the day.

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Say what you will about the plot of Ninjas & Dragons (I sure did), but you cannot fault it for its action. To the film's credit, about one-quarter of the film is the final fight. You get a good mix of men fighting, women fighting and ninjas fighting. The latter fight is quite good, with a fun mix of silliness, drama and flashiness. When an attack is interrupted by a midget kick, you know where the tone lies. Everyone else gets to fight simultaneously on a large, open set. To be fair, the splicing between fights is not nearly as drastic and unsettling as it can be (as covered in Demon Warriors). One part really stands out as completely strange to me. Right after disarming the evil ninja, he/she seemingly commits sepaku. As our heroes celebrate victory, we see that the sword used in the act was a prop sword. It was all a trick! Unfortunately, the villain runs at the ninja with the same prop sword in his hand to kill him. Um...way to not follow-through properly, guy. Now you're dead because of being an idiot. The End.

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This film is good if you like the fun, quirkier elements more than the serious ones. Don't get me wrong- there is some drama and death in here. When you compare it to Duel or the future reviews this week, it will seem very odd. The acting is not bad, the DVD quality is adequate and the subtitle work is pretty good. Like a lot of these movies, the use of white text proves to be a detriment at times when everyone dresses in so much white one film. You usually don't miss anything major, but it is still weird and distracting. The film stands out amongst the utterly generic films from this era though (many of which are in the same set) and that should be applauded, for better or for worse.

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Up next, a film with a plot that you will swear that I am making up. I assure you that it is all 100% real. Stay tuned...

Great Moments in Race Relations: Shaolin Quick Draw

In celebration of Wuxai week, all of my peripheral posts will be about this genre as well. With that in mind, I bring you a classic and forgotten moment of how people of different races can get a long. The film in question is a very obscure, which I only own as part of one of those 'let's throw ten films in a set and hope they sell' sets that litter Wal-Marts and Best Buys. Almost none of the films in this group are consistently good, although a few have their moments. Even today's subject has a couple, but they are overwhelmed by the sheer awfulness of others. This is...

Shaolin Quick Draw

The movie has a really weird plot that is barely fleshed out in any way. Basically, one guy dressed as a priest and with a 'Jesus beard.' He comes off a train- which looks like the world's smallest freight train- with a giant cross. A little bit later, a Chinese man comes off on a different train. There is something to do with a gang in a Western-esque ghost town. Beyond that, I cannot really say anymore. Where's the horror though?

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A scene about midway through the movie has our two leads in a hotel/saloon. They both go upstairs, but our white priest-man wants more. In a scene of real tastelessness, the man suddenly leaps at the lady waitress with ill intent. That was sudden and dramatic! They don't show the actual act of, you know, but cut to just after it. What does it accomplish? Nothing. Other than giving you the line 'raped by Jesus' in your head for all the wrong reasons, it does nothing. I don't care if the 'Jesus' guy does use a chainsaw to mow down people, I'm done, movie.

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Up next, the actual update I had planned. A film that emulates its source material in one way that is a bit too close for comfort. Stay tuned...