Video Nasty: Cat in the Brain

Lucio Fulci was a weird man and made really weird movies. Today's film is no exception. The weirdest subject left to cover: himself.  I should probably explain that, right?  Well, I won't.  Instead, i'll cut the crap and jump right into...

To preface the film, you need to know about its cast. The film is co-written by, co-produced by and directed by Fulci. But wait, there's more!  The movie also stars Lucio as...Lucio Fulci.

No, I'm not kidding. Just go with it.

Lucio is in the middle of making a new movie, but is starting to feel weird. Maybe it is the fact that he has a tape of a cat eating what appears to be eating brain jerky in his possession. Despite this, he manages to also work on Sodoma's Ghost (not a good film, as you recall). In a scene that you would not see re-enacted until Adaptation, he meets up with one of the actors before shooting a scene. Well, to be realistic, he does reaction shots that are synced up with footage from the film. Get used to this, loyal readers.

The film is a mix of graphic and strangely muted scenes. On one hand, you get re-used footage of a body being vivisected by a chainsaw. On the other hand, you have a Fulci freak out that is not actually shown. Instead, they simply have his agent go 'why did you do etc etc.' You won't show that, but you will show a woman being decapitated by a chest lid (don't ask)?!? This film was banned by England, but I wondered why at times.

Sometimes though, I do get it.

The narrative is really confusing here. Basically, Fulci has issues and goes to see a Therapist. Said therapist has even more issues than him, what with being emotionally-castrated by his wife. He convinces Lucio to see crazy hallucinations on cue (don't ask) and proceeds to go on a killing spree of people near where the Director goes. His killings are the only new death scenes in the film and are pretty good. 

Nothing stands up to the recycled footage of the kid randomly getting his head cut off with a chainsaw though.

Stop now if you don't want to know about the ending...

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The ending is just weird, stupid and oddly shot. Fulci goes to his friend after 'seeing his family be killed' in archival footage. He goes off later and wakes up near a dead body. He pleads to his friend to believe his innocence, prompting the man to smile. His buddy called the police (not shown), had Fulci...and the psychiatrist...tailed (not shown), and they caught the guy, killing him in the process (not shown). Are you kidding me?!? You have to do better than that, movie. Lucio goes on a holiday boat ride with a young woman (since creepy old men with Diabetes make girls wet?!?), but seemingly kills her. They pull out to reveal that this is for a film (wait...huh?) and then he actually leaves. My brain hurts.

This movie is really not that good. On the surface, you get a high body count to boast about. The problem: this film is marketed to Fulci fans who have probably seen all of his movies up until this point (1990). So, you're just replaying stuff that they have already seen to support a thin premise that makes no sense? Sure. It is a film curiosity for sure. Is that enough? I'm not sure. On the plus side, this movie doesn't fall apart after 20 minutes like Manhattan Baby (more on that later). You can do worse with Fulci, but not by a whole lot.

Next up, what is better than a vampire, you ask? How about a space vampire...who is naked all of the time? Stay tuned...

R.I.P. Frankenstein

I'll see you later, pal. You will always be the real Dracula to me. See you on the other side, Kain.

Zombie-a-Go-Go: Dead Heat

This nearly ended up in 80s Trash, but it makes it here for one key reason: Piscopo! Pair this steroid-ridden comic up with Treat Williams- star of The Substitute 3 and 1941- and you have a hit on your hands. But wait, there's more! A famous horror icon makes a small appearance that immediately makes the film 100x better. Who? Read the review and find out. I bring you...

Dead Heat

The film starts out bad enough by giving us the major cliches of cop-dom: the good cop and the eccentric/lazy cop. Wow, this is the laziest writing I have ever heard of. Oh wait, Treat's character is named Roger Mortis. I spoke too soon. They attempt to break up a robbery and shoot a man full of holes. Somehow, he refuses to go down. What is he, Rambo? Finally, they run him over with a car. That was odd. Let's investigate.

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This leads them to a mysterious company that is doing mysterious things. I sense no subtext or foreshadowing here. Let's move on.

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Unfortunately, another pair of zombies show up to cause more trouble for our duo. Will they find time to bicker and exchanged bad 80s dialogue? Kiss my grits, but don't call me Shirley- they do! They return to the company building after seeing the zombies melt, but not before getting a tongue lashing from their boss Commander Kolchak. During an investigation, Treat is tossed into an air-sealed room and left to die. Oh, what a shame. The End, right?

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It turns out that one of the scientists feels bad and decides to re-animate the star of Everwood. There is one catch however: his body will break down in 12 hours or so. Thanks for bringing him back so that he can melt to death instead, lady!

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Long story short- an evil guy is bringing people back to life as a way to stay alive forever. Wow, that is a pretty dumb plot. Can you distract me from this fact, movie? Oh, you appeared to have re-animated an entire Chinese restaurant kitchen. Touche, movie. The movie also throws lots of shoot-outs, explosions and fires to distract you. Even so, one thing is still missing from the movie. During the big 'plot reveal' scene, the evil villain finally reveals himself as...

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VINCENT PRICE! He is the evil man, although he really doesn't have much to do. In fairness, which would you rather have- him or Piscopo? The whole thing ends rather weirdly, so I won't spoil it for you. Sufficed to say, it is simultaneously conclusive and inconclusive. Make of that what you will.

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I have a soft spot for this movie, although I cannot truly explain why. It is stupid and silly, but very entertaining. Even in spite of Piscopo, it is a very entertaining film, which is only hampered by a refusal to show some real gore. You will either love this movie or hate it. I can just tell you that it is loads of fun and leave it at that.

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I just can't stay away from Lucio Fulci films. Come see why I probably should. Stay tuned...

Forgotten Toons: Thundarr the Barbarian

In a way, I am sad that I am younger than I am. In part, I wish I could have seen some of the crazy films from the 1970s and 80s when they were fresh and from this perspective. That also applies to the cartoons of this era. One show that I have learned to love through the advent of cable is...

Thundarr the Barbarian

It is hard to explain the concept of this show in any logical manner, but that won't stop me. Logic and I are not good friends, but we can give it a shot!

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In the future (read: 1994), a major disaster has ravaged the world. Man, how many cartoon shows start out with that?!? In the wake of this, people reverted back to the old ways of magic and swords. Not everyone got the memo, however, and many people use advanced technology instead. In a world of wizards, monsters and cyborgs, only our titular hero can save the day.

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The cast of this show is interesting, to say the least. Our hero is a man in the mold of Yor, Conan and Kamandi. He wields his famous 'Sun Sword,' which is basically a light saber. His first companion is Ariel- not to be confused with the mermaid- the sorceress. She does not have much back story, but she can pretty much make anything out of yellow energy a la Sinestro and can be a walking deus ex machina at times. Lastly, there is Ookla the Mok, who is a weird alien/Wookie thing. They never go all that in-depth on the guy, which might be the point. Then again, if the show had been given more than 21 episodes, they might have as well.

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To be honest, the show is a little stock at times when it comes to plot. Thundarr and company go somewhere, come across a problem and try to save the day. Where it sells you is the strange characters and visuals. A robot wizard with a rotating face and personality? Check. (A side note- this character debuted three years before Man-E-Faces) If you want to see monsters fight robots and a wizard, this is your show. If you can't make sense of it all, just go along for the ride.

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Do you like zombies and Joe Piscopo? Well weirdo, I have something for you. Stay tuned...

Bad Doggie!: Zoltan...Hound of Dracula

Dracula films are a dime a dozen. The poor guy has been in New York, San Francisco, China and Turkey, just to name a few. Hell, the guy has even been in outer space! There have been nearly 200 films and TV appearances by the poor Transylvanian. Let's give the guy a break for a while and talk about...

Zoltan...Hound of Dracula

Yes, this movie is as stupid as it sounds. I just thought that you should know that.

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The film is set in the Russian wilderness where a crypt has been hidden for 200 hundred years. The drilling and explosive demolition work unearths the place though, allowing a certain resident to get free. That resident: an evil dog. I bet you're wondering why Dracula didn't awaken from the same tomb. That is a good question.

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Through the magic of lazy screenwriting, our villainous hound manages to track down one of Dracula's far-off descendants while he goes on vacation with his family. Around the same time, an expert in the occult (Jose Ferrer) gets alerted to the danger and rushes off to intercede. Well, in reality, he takes nearly forty-five minutes of screen time to get there. He must have caught every red light, I guess.

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The biggest problem with the movie is its premise. You are supposed to be scared and shocked by a pack of vampire dogs. What makes them vampires? The yellow overlay effect given to their eyes, of course. This actually plays a part in the big finale...but more on that later. Basically, villain and hero end up in close proximity, while a random family gets in the way. Their poor puppies are killed for the crime of...being there. This is going to get bad, isn't it?

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Honestly, the movie just loses all its momentum by about an hour into it. The setup is too long and there is really not much to look forward to. You get one good scene of claustrophobic horror as Zoltan and company try to kill the family whilst inside a shack. Eventually, evil is thwarted and the day is saved...or is it?!? The film shows some carnage on the next night as a line of animal bodies litter the floor. The film slowly pans out to reveal...the cutest vampire ever! Seriously, a vampire puppy is the best thing that they could manage. Even Rats: Night of Terror could do better than that. Not much, but by a little. You can do far better than this movie. Of course, the title could have told you that.

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We made it through the whole alphabet. How about we break for cartoons? Stay tuned...

Bi-Polar Cinema: Yo-Yo Girl Cop

I get the impression that it will seem like I am picking on Asia with this series. That is far from the truth. That is what 'WTF Japan' is for. They just seem to have this weird mind-set for it. Today's film does not sound like it belongs, but, oh does it indeed. It is...

Yo-Yo Girl Cop

This is billed as an action movie centered around an undercover lady cop who infiltrates a High School and uses a quirky weapon. Sounds fun, right? Sigh.

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The film begins with...a young person wandering the streets in a daze. People ignore her and try to go on with their lives. That proves to be a bad decision as a bomb was tied to her and she blows up in the center of Tokyo's famous square (basically Time's Square). Still having fun?

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This event leads the government to bring out a prisoner whom they think can help solve the crime. No, this is not 48 Hours. The prisoner is a young woman with a dark past who they keep in a big, open cage a la Hannibal Lecter. After some reluctance, she agrees and...puts on a Japanese school girl outfit. Right.

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She finds it hard to get in initially, but works her way to be friends with a sad young woman. Thanks, movie, we needed more. After a while, she finds out why. A friend of her's was constantly being bullied and snapped. She decided to commit suicide, although she only managed to be put in a persistent vegetative state. More fun! Our hero learns that something else came out of this incident: the formation of a terrorist cell. That's right- a terrorist cell of Japanese 'teenagers' (most of them appearing to be at least 22) in a High School. As far as the movies I watch go, this seems logical.

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Over forty-five minutes in, we finally get some real action and it is...actually pretty good. First, you get the hero's change into her battle uniform. She fights one of the ring leaders, who has similar taste, in an area surrounded by lots and lots of metal pipes. Will that play a factor? This gives the first major use of the titular weapon. It is a badge that doubles as a battle yo-yo. I wonder if mine does that? After defeating the woman, she battles the real villain and his group of armed thugs, one of whom is played by Versus' Tak Sakaguchi. Why? Who the hell knows?!?

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It turns out that the whole thing is a red herring to commit a robbery. Wait, what?!? Anyhow, this fails as well and the villain is blown up. The day is saved...although hundreds of people have still died from that first major attack.

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I really wanted to love this movie. My friends can attest as to just how much I tried to pressure them into renting it as a group. In a way, I'm really glad that they turned me down so many times. After enduring stuff like Moon Child and Feeders 2, I am glad that I did not force them to watch another misleading movie. Of course, we later ended up watching The Human Robot vs. The Aztec Mummy, so I only delayed 'judgment day' it seems. Ah well.

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Let's switch back to America and their love of dogs. This one is not so nice. Stay tuned...

WTF Britain?!?: Xtro

I've covered the television shows of England (with plenty more to come) so far, I decided to take a stab at one of their films. If you have ever wondered what an American film would look like filtered through the U.K., check out...

Xtro

The film starts out strong enough with a kid playing catch with his dad and dog. in the countryside. Out of nowhere, an alien space ship shows up and it turns into night. In a scene eerily similar to that in Twister, the dad is pulled away. Have fun growing up, kid.

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Three years later, the mom has moved on, is engaged to another man and the kid is a little weird. Meanwhile, a couple is out for a late night ride when a meteorite crashes, A weird alien emerges and it walks like the 'spider-girl' from The Exorcist. It kills them both and proceeds to kill a lonely house woman. In one of the movie's first infamous gore scenes, our missing dad emerges hole from the woman's...uh, hole. Despite all the gore, it is still less creepy than the rhino scene from Ace Ventura: When Nature Calls. Naturally, he goes back to check on the family.

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The whole thing is a bit awkward to be honest. Mom still likes him, but insists against this when her fiancee questions her about it. He moves back into the house and the kid is happy. Dad is quite weird though, choosing to eat a snake's eggs instead of...well, the weird crap that British people eat. He converts his kid into an alien the Dracula way and things just get freaking weird. I'll sum it up for you...

-The kid gets powers and decides to screw with reality.
-His toy clown becomes an evil midget with a knife.
-His G.I. Jack doll grows full-size and kills their neighbor for the crime of killing his snake.
-His slutty babysitter is killed and placed in a cocoon for some reason.

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If you can make sense of anything after or around this point, then you are a better man than I. Something happens out on the farm, the new boyfriend tries to make sense of all of this and the father-son duo transform into aliens. Also, somewhere in all of this, a black panther appears. Just go with it, people. If you question this, then you are just...a sane person. Me, I'm a guy who watches films about mutant rats in the future.

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I enjoyed it, even if I still don't get it. If nothing else, watch the interview with the director and the alternate endings. You will see that even he finds the movie- and the sequels (upcoming reviews for sure)- stupid and illogical. Who am I to disagree?

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You want more bi-polar cinema? How dare you! I'm sad now. Stay tuned...

Mondo-nesia: The Warrior

Indonesia is a strange place. They have given us such odd classics as The Queen of Black Magic, Mystics in Bali and Lady Terminator. They also brought us The Devil's Sword, which shares the same lead as today's film...

The Warrior

On top of being a rare, foreign import film, it is also an adaptation of a famous comic book from this country. A crazy, action comic-book film from Indonesia? Need I say more? I suppose so.

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This movie takes place during the Dutch occupation of the country. You all remember that, right? Let's move on. A freedom fighter named Jaka Sembung is standing strong against them, much like a very kick-ass Gandhi. In the beginning, he escapes from a chain-gang and prepares another attack. This leads the clearly-not-Dutch to seek out a powerful fighter to kill him. One finds them, however, and makes his way right into their compound.

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How tough, you ask? I dunno, how about super-strength? That do anything for ya?
How about the power to absorb bullets from 200 yards...with super-tough skin?!?
How about the power...to be stabbed through the head by Jaka Sembung? Well, now he's dead.

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In most films, I would wonder how the back of his head is vulnerable while the front is not. In this film, it is the most logical thing. After this failure, they get a little desperate. They hire a wizard with buck teeth to resurrect an even more powerful wizard. They are sold after he demonstrates Yoda-esque powers on one of the 'Dutch' lieutenants. The new wizard re-attaches his body to his head and gets to work. The villains draw out Jaka and our villain kicks his ass with Jedi magic. They're doomed.

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At this point, the film ventures into blatantly ripping off other famous heroes' stories. For example, Jaka is blinded and, later, bursts free of prison by pulling out the pillars. Sound familiar? That's Samson. During his escape attempt, he is turned into a pig and chased away. Is that Greek enough for you? The film does have some of it's own ideas though. One of Jaka's allies is wounded during his rescue and dies, so a good wizard gives him her eyes via magic. Yes, they show it. It is time for payback!

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Jaka has an epic battle against the wizard, which you can see here. It involves flying limbs, leaping people and swords. It is epic and completely weird. I was sold on the movie on this clip alone and you likely will be too. With that out of the way, him and his troops go to assault the main compound. This is a great series of scenes, save for the forced inclusion of the lone comic character. We don't always need them, Asian filmmakers! Jaka kills the General and everyone lives happily ever after. Oh wait, he's not dead and accidentally kills his daughter. Okay, most people live happily ever after.

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It is time to cover something new- namely, our neighbors from the stars. Stay tuned...

Captain's Log: Visiting Hours

Star Trek was a good show, although it had its sketchy moments. T.J. Hooker was not. Boston Legal was a really good show, albeit silly and erratic in tone. I give you all of this information to give you a good idea about the star of all of these: William Shatner. His films have had the range of good (Kingdom of the Spiders), quirky (Incubus) and bad (The Devil's Rain). Today's film is none of those though. It is...

Visiting Hours

The film begins with a woman giving a stirring speech on a network news show. When a film immediately reminds me of The Howling II: Your Sister is a Werewolf, it is not good. Our lady does not turn into a white wolf, but, instead is rebuked by her boss (Shatner). He tells her that it is dangerous to talk out about a person that is still on the streets and refuses to play the video. Keep this in mind. She goes home, but finds her roommate/sister/this movie never really explains her importance has left the house a mess. After a long build-up, a threat reveals itself as...

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Shirtless Michael Ironside covered in earrings! If that is not scary, nothing is! He chases her around, stabs her a couple of times and, finally, thwarts her escape via Dumb Waiter. Rather than killing her, he lets her live another day, which turns out to be in the hospital. She is told that she has to undergo surgery to fix her wounded arm and her boss visits her (fulfilling the second of his five scenes). She is befriended by a nice nurse, but her attacker is still loose. Disguised as a flower delivery man, he gets into the hospital and finds the woman's room. He sees a woman on life-support and cuts her tube. It turns out that they moved our heroine, although the whorish nurse is killed for investigating. Not Whore Nurse!!

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This movie tends to venture into numerous side-plots that feel unrelated at this point. Our villain picks up a woman at a soda joint. She comes home with him...because a balding Ironside in a vinyl shirt is irresistible, but it turns bad and fast! He rapes her and then the scene cuts. We also get a glimpse of the nurse's home life, which includes a daughter and a young lady who looks like more than just a babysitter. Maybe it's because she suddenly sits down next to the woman on her bed in only a towel that makes me think that. The woman is divorced, which apparently I care about. Plus, we get Ironside at an old folk's home with his dad. We get Psycho IV-style flashbacks to sort-of explain the villain's motivation. Where did you go, plot?

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I have to address one glaring problem with this movie: the premise. It is built entirely around Michael Ironside's ability to blend in and get into any building. Is he at all inconspicuous? He never once stops making his evil face, but wears glasses or different uniforms. Picture Ted Bundy. Now picture him in glasses. Would you automatically let your guard down around this person? Hell no. In fairness, this is sort of a Catch-22. The guy looks really creepy and is effective in the role. He is simply not believable as a master of disguise, glasses or not.

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The movie does get pretty good in the finale, although some stuff is a bit sketchy. The villain tricks his way into the hospital, while the police find his apartment thanks to a very elaborate group of subplots. Basically, the girl he raped goes to a Free Clinic that our nurse just happens to work at one day a week. She later comes to the nurse and proves useful to the plot. He attacks our heroine again, but she manages to flee. She is tricked into taking the elevator into the basement, which appears to be the same one from Clonus. In a stupid twist, it is also where another one of his victims is being treated. Really, movie?!? She manages to trick the man and stabs him to death. No, wait! He's still alive for one last...never mind. He's dead. The End.

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In all honesty, this movie is pretty good. It is for that reason that it avoided being classified as '80s Trash.' Shatner is barely in the movie, but does liven it up when he appears. Ironside is very good at his role, even if it is barely-written. He is solely a crazy man who hates strong women due to a past incident. No complexity here, people. The pacing is pretty well and it does not always jump right to the killing. If you can accept the absurdity of Ironside sneaking past everyone, you can have a good time.

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You want more Mondo and more Macabro. Okay. Stay tuned...

Silent But Deadly: Un Chien Andalou

I bet you were not expecting this, were you? A silent, French art film- you? This is a famous film and is the first official film to give rise to something I am a fan of- gore. Plus it is one of the few films to be directed by a famous artist (not including The Spirit...which sucks). Let's dig right in to...

Un Chien Andalou

Let me get this quick dig out of the way: this movie makes no sense. It has barely any logical flow to it...which is kind of the point. Salvador Dali was never a man of common sense and will never be that understood. I live less than 20 miles from a museum dedicated to the man and I don't get him.

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Also, the title has absolutely nothing to do with anything. Much like 2005's Tom Yung Goong, the title is just there. Maybe Dali had a reason for it...but probably not. Okay, actual plot now.

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The film begins with a man sitting around and playing with a straight razor. For no apparent reason, he grabs his wife and cuts her eye open. This makes as much as it sounds. Want an explanation? Too bad. It cuts to 'eight years later' as a man rides a bike while dressed as a nun. He collapses right before meeting his lady lover. Why? Another good question. You get no answers from me, but you do get a scene of person with ants coming out of their hand.

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In case you had not figured it out, this is not a film for people who want questions answered. You get a blind man being run over by a car, two priests (one of them Dali) being dragged down the street and a death's head moth. Why? Seriously, stop asking questions. If you want to make sense of this movie, either get a partial lobotomy or take peyote. It is nineteen minutes long, so make the effort.

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This is a good movie, although it is hardly a film. It is a series of random, unrelated vignettes that make no sense. It is nothing more and nothing less. My biggest complaint is honestly not with the film, but with all of the DVD releases. They want you to pay as much as $30 for a copy of a film that is less than twenty minutes long. This would be a great film to cover for Interweb Cinema, but not a DVD. Watch it if you like old-time insanity, but, if you plan to buy it, get it cheap.

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I think one man needs his own segment. That man: Shaaaaatttttneerrrr!!!!! Stay tuned...

WTF Japan?!?: Tokyo Gore Police

Even after all this time, movies can still throw me for a loop. I like that. No matter how jaded or bored can I be when it comes to conventional cinema, a movie just comes out that says 'hey, pay attention! I have something insane to say." In this case, it is...

Tokyo Gore Police

The best description of this movie is: Troma meets Japanese insanity. If you think you can handle that, read on.

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The film begins with a bunch of informational videos about the new police and the world of 'today.' The police have been replaced with a company that sends out sadists to enforce the law. Basically, Blackwater is in charge of Japanese law. This turns out useful when vengeful 'Engineers' are running around killing people. Do they sound dangerous to you? They are.

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The first one we see swings a chainsaw around until his arm is shot off by the 'police.' Through the power of science, the arm grows back and has the chainsaw attached to it now. He proceeds to swing it around like a flail, maiming his attackers and sending fountains of blood spraying. Get used to that. Our heroine shows up at the bottom of the building and needs to get up quick. Naturally, she does the 'rocket jump' from Team Fortress and flies into battle. She cuts him into dozens of pieces with her katana and collects them up. Otherwise, he will just come back again. Duh.

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The movie is a mix of weird plot points and insane mutations. Basically, in the wake of some major upheaval, this company took over and our heroine is the adopted daughter of its leader. She runs afoul of a rebel leader who makes the Engineers and proceeds to slash his eyes out. Don't worry, he just grows new ones. He talks about a conspiracy by the police captain, but she doesn't believe it. Oh crap, here comes a giant alligator-mutant lady! The film's love of mutants is often in conflict with the plot. In fairness, which one is better?

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The plot just continues to get weirder. Without spoiling everything, I want to give you an idea of what you will get.
-A gimp girl with swords for limbs
-A man with a gun that fires fists.
-The most complex assassination plot since JFK.
-A man with the most phallic weapon ever!
-An insane, albeit functional, use of super blood spraying.

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This movie is certainly not for everyone. Hell, it is not for most people. It is for cinematic sickos, lovers of the absurd and those that just love blood spray. There is more arterial spraying in this film than the entire Lone Wolf and Cub series combined. It is a climax of puppeteer work, make-up oddities and insanity. Yes, I have said 'insane' a lot here. Once you watch the movie, you will too. To put it in perspective, the most normal things in the film are the casting of the lady from Audition and a scene where we meet Satan. No, really.

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As Cleese once said, 'And now, for something completely different." Stay tuned...

Thai-namite: SARS Wars: Bangkok Zombie Crisis

Thailand is a really strange place. They love knee strikes, stunt crashes and transsexual kick boxers. Their film industry has been in a fairly steady boom ever since the rise of Tony Jaa, even if this has not been as sustained as they would like. Numerous other stars have tried to leap-frog into prosperity. This is the tale of one of them...

SARS Wars: Bangkok Zombie Crisis

To forewarn you, this is a really weird film. It is a mix of horror, action, suspense and anime. Yes, I said 'anime.' It makes as much sense as you would think.

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The movie begins in Africa with a 4th strain of the SARS virus turning people into zombies. Through an insane jump in logic, the virus gets over to Thailand, in spite of government reports about the country's immunity. Around the same time, the daughter of a rich tycoon is kidnapped by a strange group of criminals. One of them is a transvestite (see, it is popular) and another is a furry. I wonder if these two stories will combine somehow?

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Desperate for help, the tycoon hires his old friend Master Thep, but he can't go. Instead, he sends his young pupil to do the job. Unfortunately, he arrives after the zombie outbreak has occurred at the same hotel that she is being held. Oh and there is a giant zombie snake there too. This should get interesting.

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The film gets completely crazy at this point. You get zombies being shot, people being shot and people being eaten by a giant snake. That is just the tip of the iceberg. You want a baby zombie? Done. You want a scientist who wears fetish gear under her lab coat? Done. How about the old master cutting up zombies with a light saber? Done and freaking done! It is all fun and games until our hero gets bitten by a zombie and commits suicide by drinking a closet full of cleaning supplies? What? Oh, apparently that is the exact cure for the zombie infection. What luck!

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There is a lot in this film that I have not covered. Honestly, this film works by constantly throwing more surprises at you. If I expose all of them, SARS Wars is not nearly as good. If you are interested, just go see it already. Fans of absurdist cinema and strangeness will have a damn good time. All you squares...probably would not be reading past the title. This should be enough to tide you over. Rent/own and enjoy- I know that I did.

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Japan keeps upping the ante and so will I. Once again, I ask 'WTF Japan?!?" Stay tuned...

Zombie-a-Go-Go: Resident Evil- Degeneration

This is a rare breed of review for me. It is a cartoon, but it is not aimed at children. Honestly, it is not really aimed at older adults either. It is aimed at a very specific group: people that can pretend that the Resident Evil games have a good plot. The film is rife with zombies as well, so it fits more for this category. Confusing? Yes. You haven't even gotten to the plot of...

Resident Evil: Degeneration

To begin with, this film sits in a sort of weird place in regards to Resident Evil continuity. Given that you have Resident Evil 1, 2, 3, 4 and 5, plus 0 and all the spin-off games (Code Veronica, etc), nothing will be simple here. This is what you need to know.

-Raccoon City is in ashes.

-Zombies were loose there.

-Two people survived and kept killing zombies.

*

The film proper begins with news-talk about mysterious plagues and diseases in overseas locations and protests regarding the company suspected for being behind them. The company's president is a man who appears to be more slug than man. Needless to say, realistic skin texture rendering does not do him a good service here. We cut to an airport where he is trying to remain discreet and avoid protesters. He runs afoul of a foreign woman and her child, accompanied by Claire Redfield. Man, where's a plane when you need one?

*

Suddenly, a plane crashes into the terminal, sending numerous sprites flying and terrifying the others. At least this cannot get worse. Faster than you can say 'I saw this in Nightmare City,' a group of zombies emerge from the wreckage and attack anyone in sight. Claire fends them off, but must flee the mass assemblage of the undead. Send in the big, blond hero!

*

Our hero is Leon from the original Resident Evil is called in as to help the situation on order of the President. So, is this after Resident Evil 4? We never get our answer as he goes in with a small number of S.W.A.T. members, one of whom is voiced by Steven Jay "Wolverine" Blum. Sadly, his rough and tumble cop character does not last long enough to distract from the plot for too long. In a relatively short order of time, Claire and Leon meet up and rescue all the innocents...plus the C.E.O. This is just a really short film?

*

No, it seems that the plot is a bit more complicated. The zombies were a result of a terrorist attack by someone who stole the T-Virus and wants to ruin the corporation. But wait, there's more. The company...is actually good. I bet you didn't see that coming. Chris and Jill both look into the villain's past, the latter of which goes to the company building. Guess who is coming to pay a visit and kill people.

*

The film gets loud, complicated and expository at this point. Lots of people get shot and even more people decide to give you their life's story. The highlights include the squadron of 'red shirt' security guards, the guy who turns into Soul Edge from the Soul Calibur games and Leon's running. Leon runs more than Tom Cruise and actually seems to set many land-speed records in the process. The film turns into really long game cut scenes at times and really overuses the 'run away from peril' in slow-motion-to-full-speed trope. I counted at least ten times of it happening. We get it- he's fast and things fall/explode. Move on, movie. Evil gets killed and good triumphs. You were expecting something else?

*

In light of the holiday, I will cover the men of the army...of Thailand. Stay tuned...

Mondo Week: Queen of Black Magic

You know that I could not stay away, right? I just love weird, foreign films and actual good transfers of them. Today's film comes from Indonesia, a country that has brought us good films (Lady Terminator), great films (The Devil's Sword) and abominations (Virgins from Hell). Which one will this be? It is called...

Queen of Black Magic

This is actually directed by the same man who did Sword and another upcoming review. This seems like a good sign.

*

A young woman has a problem: she is having an affair with the big man in the village, but he won't commit. When she really presses the issue before his wedding, he accuses her of being a practitioner of black magic. They chase her out of town and stone her. Just to be dicks, they toss her off of a cliff. The End, right?

*

Wrong. As luck would have it, an actual practitioner of black magic catches her and heals her up. Now with a focus on revenge, she begins to get trained in the evil arts. She is a quick learner and begins to plan the course of her actions. The first step is to kill one of the villagers with attack bees. Nothing can distract her from her...ooh, a man.

*

Our heroine/villain is thrown off of her plans for a while when she runs into a 'hot guy' by the river. Despite her being a famous 'villain' in the area, the new guy knows absolutely nothing. He has showed up to make sure that no black magic is still being done in the area. This won't end awkwardly at all.

*

The high points of the movie all revolve around the black magic. My favorite is still the spell she puts on her former beau. Using her powers, she forces him to walk into the center of town and rip his own head off. No, really. She then makes it fly around and attack people. When the good magicians try to stop it, it sets aflame. Can this get any better? No, that's pretty much it.

*

I don't really need to finish up my plot summary, do I? Once you've read that last paragraph, you have definitely decided whether or not to see it. Nothing else can supersede that. I really enjoyed this movie, even if there really is not all that much substance to it. Enjoy, people.

*

Do you like zombies and computer animation? I'll appease you weirdos. Stay tuned...

Doll-ywood: Pinocchio's Revenge

Canada is a nice and friendly country, right? Not always. Aside from Celine Dion, they have occasionally punished us for our lack of universal health care with horror movies. This one is not that bad, but it manages to be creepy enough in certain places to affect one of our favorite childhood icons. It is called...

Pinocchio's Revenge

Those of you expecting a film in which a doll tries to kill a whale or a pair of anthropomorphic tricksters will be letdown. This is basically Child's Play 326, with a couple twists tossed in.

*

The film begins with a child murderer burying a body. Is that not creepy enough for you yet, viewers? He does this is the most torrential rainstorm since George Clooney went fishing, but still manages to get caught. When they find him, he has not buried his son...he has buried the doll. Wait, what? It will make sense later...sort of...but not.

*

We jump time a bit and find the puppet-smothering man in jail. Our heroine is a pro-bono lawyer trying to help the man with his appeals. He says that the doll turned his son evil and he had to do it. She passes him off as crazy while the doll remains in evidence. Somehow, she has to hold it for a weekend (don't ask) and it gets mistaken for one of her daughter's birthday presents. She agrees to let her keep it for a while, since she is unhappy in the wake of divorce.

*

Despite the doll clearly being a midget at times, the girl loves it and names it Pinocchio. That's all the pretense for the title you get, America. She takes it with her everywhere and it becomes her only real friend. Eventually, a girl at school picks a fight with her. After she leaves, her bike is damaged, causing her to crash. Around this time, our younger heroine learns that the doll can talk. He apologizes for causing the accident, but doesn't seem sincere.

*

This goes on for a little while. It does escalate fairly nicely though, to be honest. The girl talks to the doll, the mom thinks she is crazy and someone gets hurt. Eventually, the mom's boyfriend is pushed down the stairs by Pinocchio...somehow. He ends up in the hospital, but the film is not done with him yet. Pinocchio asks the girl to cut his strings, which leads him to become a midget again and run to the hospital. Somehow, he sneaks in, turns off the life-support and leaves, all without any detection. If you think that hospital is bad, wait about six more reviews.

*

Eventually, the mother finally decides to take the 'state's evidence' away from the kid. It doesn't go well. Pinocchio attacks her and she must fight for her life. They make this a little less funny than it sounds thanks to dark lighting. Eventually, the lady fights off the puppet (hehe) and discovers...her daughter. They seem to imply that the daughter did it all, but the mom doesn't believe it. Of course, she has no proof. The End. Seriously, it just ends like that.

*

This movie not bad, but it is not that good either. The biggest star is the brunette from "Seaquest DSV," so that should say it all. The film has some nudity in it, though it is from the babysitter and not the busty lead. Despite this wasted opportunity, you can do worse than watching this movie, as long as you accept it for what it wants to be.

*

It is Mondo time again. Get ready for the classic song once more! Stay tuned...

Plot Twist Theatre: One-Armed Swordsman Against 9 Killers

Sometimes movies just make up elaborate plots and have no way to do them justice. The whole thing is built around one or two reveals, leaving everything else to suffer. I will leave M. Night out of this...for now. In the meantime, I will stick with this kung-fu film that turned out to be so much more than I thought...

One-Armed Swordsman Against 9 Killers

If you expect an in-depth plot summary, you may be disappointed. This movie's basic plot is so generic and pointless that you could simply guess it. That is not the reason I am covering it.

*

Our hero is a one-armed man, but never carries a sword- ever. Also, he is not the same guy from the many films (One-Armed Swordsman, Zatoichi Meets the One-Armed Swordsman, etc). Although he is played by Jimmy Wang Yu, the star of Master of the Flying Guillotine. I just had to say that.

*

The enigmatic man is a long journey for revenge against those that have wounded him. He has to fight the titular killers and engage in some wu xia action. Now that I have that part out of the way, here is the crazy stuff.

*

~At one point, our hero battles a transsexual. Not a man dressed in drag, but an actual person with gender identity disorder. He also appears to be post-op...which is highly impossible in feudal China.

~He has a fight with one killer in their private sword room. Still, he never uses a blade. That guy picks up the most improbable sword ever though. He has a six-foot blade, which he actually attempts to use. What are you, Cloud?

~Here is the big thing though. During the fight with the final boss, our hero gets his lone arm lopped off. Well, now he is royally-screwed, right? No! He stabs the man with another arm, revealing that he kept his other arm hidden for years. That is patience and follow-through!

~As he relaxes, the lady he brought with him stabs him. Why? She was the daughter of the man he killed. In spite of this, he kills her too. The End.

*

Okay, what the hell was all of that? This is not a One-Armed Swordsman film, since he has one arm cut off in battle in that movie. That sort of kills the big plot reveal, doesn't it? Apparently, this centers around a whole conflict between Yu, Shaw and the ownership of the character. Shaw made two films with Yu and a couple without him. They hired a new guy, so Yu made the crossover film with Zatoichi in Japan. Later still, he made a film with his replacement called The One-Armed SwordsMEN. Read it all here. This title is a marketing lie and a bad one. The film is fun to watch though.

*

Are you ready for Canada to kill your childhood for frights? Stay tuned...

Spanish Fly: Night of the Sorcerers

Spain is often underrated when it comes to the world of Horror Cinema. Everyone knows Italy's trash, Japan's ghost children and Korea's ghost children with different names. They neglect to consider the works of such men as Paul Naschy and Amando de Ossorio. The latter is the man who directed today's film...

Night of the Sorcerers

The film begins with a scene so weird that you would swear that it was a dream sequence. It's all real, baby! A white woman is chased by native Africans through the jungle. No, this is not a Tarzan film. She is grabbed, tied to a tree and whipped. Thanks to movie magic, the lashes take of all her clothes. Satisfied, they bring her into a clearing, set her up on an altar and cut her head off. This rolls to the ground and her blood drains out.

*

We cut to what I assume is present day. That whole thing feels more dream-like now, huh? Two couples show up to film a nature documentary, but there are problems. The natives are restless, the land is wild and, since these are foreign movie couples, they are all cheating on each other. They are warned like everyone in a horror movie is, but, naturally, ignore the logical warnings and stay the night. That is when the weird stuff starts to happen.

*

The natives get a little freaky at night- drumming, dancing and inter-mingling. One of the young ladies wanders off in the direction of the drum sounds and is captured. She gets the same treatment as the lady in the prologue and dies. This all happens while one of the men is putting the spurs to his non-girlfriend. Needless to say, his cover story for missing his watch duty the next day is pretty weak. As day turns to night, we get the first of the movie's really strange sights: vampire women in leopard-skin bikinis. No, I am not kidding you. They run through the foliage in Baywatch-style slow-motion. I don't really know why, since the effect is not the same with them as it is with Pam Anderson.

*

Being horror movie characters, our heroes find out the truth far too late. By that point, both young woman are now 'beach blanket Nosferatus' with a 'hunger.' The guys are pretty ineffectual, leaving only the audience to be strong-willed people. Despite being a European horror film, the ending is actually relatively-happy. The corpses are still corpses though. Only Gate II and Sodoma's Ghost had the gal to undo that.

*

This is a fun film, but it is definitely not best to compare it to the Blind Dead films by Ossorio. Well, maybe part four (Night of the Seagulls). There are similar riffs here (humans becoming monsters, people running in slow-motion), but it is not nearly the same. The terror is gone at the sight of the amusing monsters. As far as Spanish horror films go, you can definitely do worse. Most foreign film fans will tell you that worse would be The Ghost Galleon. I tend to disagree, but, whatever.

*

Do you love plot twists in films? How about 500 or so? Stay tuned...

80's Trash: Mausoleum

I am always a little worried about watching a film when it is really hard to find. Is it a lost classic or a turd that someone was trying to bury? This was the case with today's film, a horror movie from the year that I was born called...

Mausoleum

To begin with, the title is a bit misleading. The titular location is key to the story in one way, but does not play a part in the whole thing. It would be like calling the Cube films Mysterious Government Building instead. So let's set it up...

*

A young lady is attending her mother's funeral. The sad day is made worse by the mysterious musings of her aunt and uncle. Something strange happened with her mother in the lead-up to her death. They never tell you in full, so don't bother waiting for it. A strange force calls out to the girl and she runs off. Getting past a large gate and a guard, the youngster runs into a large mausoleum. Sure. A weird green energy appears in front of her and makes noises. She wanders out to her aunt, but says nothing. What are the immediate ramifications of this?

*

We cut to nearly twenty years later, so the answer is 'none.' The lady is married to a rich, weird-looking guy (Marjoe Gortner) and living in a big mansion. Unfortunately, she is alone a lot since her husband has been working on a big account for months. This leaves her some time to spend with her gardener. One night, she seduces the guy with an 'accidental' flashing or two. They have sex, but it turns bad later on. Her face transforms into that of a monster and she kills him.

*

The movie falls into a pattern at this point. Her husband leaves, some weird stuff happens (flashing lights, green smoke, etc.), someone draws the lady's ire and they die. The film is pretty formulaic, but it does have some interesting things. The lady apparently has some demon powers including sharp claws, glowing eyes and telekinesis. One high-point involves her using some Carrie-esque powers to kill a guy who spills coffee on her. That makes sense.

*

The finale just gets really nuts. A priest tries to go to the source of the evil power while her husband fails to heed his warnings. I guess the fact that she is calling him to bathe with him does the trick. After some romantic moments, she transforms and kills him. It is the way that she does it that most people will remember. Her breasts turn into, well, these. Eventually, after a big, flashy light-show, the curse is broken and the lady is freed. A happy ending...unless you are one of the dead people. They are still dead. The End.

*

There is a reason that this movie is buried on a multi-film disc alongside other random crap: it is not good. That said, there is a certain charm to its crappy nature. It is like watching a little kid try to make a film where they play adults. The slow points are a little rough, but the film has some T&A to tide you over. It is hard to be titillated in a film co-starring Gortner though. It's worth a look if you are a more forgiving fan of horror. Or you can just go on YouTube.

*

If you love Japan, wait until you see what Spain puts out: vampires in bikinis. Stay tuned...

Toho-a-Go-Go: Latitude Zero

You know a studio is doing their job right when you can recognize one of their films right away. When you see a busty woman running through the woods in a corset, you know it is a Hammer film. When the woman have curly-cue sideburns and swing swords, it is a Shaw Brothers film. Such is the case with...

Latitude Zero

This is a film by the classic Japanese production company Toho, but stars a couple famous American actors. Much like yesterday's Rankin-Bass/Toho co-production, this mix of talent and stars is interesting. Let's get to it already!

*

A submarine is out doing rounds when it is struck by a seismic activity. The survivors are rescued by a mysterious ship and taken to the mysterious sanctuary for scientists called Latitude Zero, named so because of it's location on the map. En route, however, they are attacked by an equally-mysterious black submarine. They escape and begin to enjoy the luxuries of super-scientist life.

*

The survivors learn that not everything makes sense down there. All of the people are nigh immortal due to unimpeded advances in science and happy. There is an evil lurking nearby in the form of a mad scientist (Cesar Romero). Standing in his way is a rival scientist (Joseph Cotten), who vows to keep science pure and respect the laws of nature. The guy who makes giant mutants and cross-breeds animals disagrees. It is time to do battle...with science!

*

The good guys assemble a collection of tools and weapons. Amongst them are a fancy jet pack and a gold jumpsuit that is fire-proof. I'm still not sure whether or not it is worth it, to be honest. Armed and silly-looking, they go off to do battle with the villain. They had not counted on his small army of bat-people though. They narrowly defeat them, but must next do battle with a chimera-like creature. Our villain makes the fatal mistake of putting his unsuccessful commander's brain in the creature, driving it to kill him. The heroes all decide to stay, save for one. He arrives on the surface and his story is questioned. Was it all a dream? Well...no.

*

This movie is quite fun. You get good actors (Romero, Cotten), cheesy sets and crazy monsters. The bat people steal the show with their flying attacks and goofy faces. The idea of the guy who played The Joker as a mad scientist is just great, as is the Academy Award-nominated actor as the good and mighty scientist. The model effects are just as cheesy as you would expect. The same goes for the use of wires, something that was very prevalent back in these days. A good film for people that love cheesy and eccentric cinema for all ages.

*

Let's take a trip to the 80s again. You like breasts? How about on a demon? Stay tuned...

Fun With Apes: King Kong Escapes!

Who wants to learn a little film history today? Now, before you just click away to somewhere else, hear me out. Everyone's favorite giant ape- King Kong- has a longer and more storied history than people often realize. Save for the classic original (1933), crappy remake (1976) and great remake (2005), there is also the semi-good sequel (already reviewed) and the even worse sequel to the first remake(1986). Don't worry, I'll cover that in time.

What people often don't realize is that the big guy was not just napping during all this downtime though. He actually starred in two films in the 1960s and was planned to be in several more (including Godzilla vs. the Sea Monster). Many of you may be familiar with the first one (King Kong vs. Godzilla), but what about...

King Kong Escapes

Honestly, this film is an improvement in one major way- Kong does not look like crap. Anyone who has seen that malformed suit in K.K.v.G. knows what I'm talking about. This one still looks as silly as any other Toho/Rankin-Bass costume though.

*

The film's plot is pretty damn silly, to be quite honest. In the wake of Kong's fame, a crazy scientist builds a robot designed to look like him for an evil experiment. The man- Doctor Who- is seeking out a rare element that will help him with his experiments. Unfortunately, the robot fails at its duty, leaving the man with only one option: get the real thing.

*

This proves to be about as simple as it sounds, but the man does succeed. Using the power of science, he hypnotizes our hairy hero to do the job right. Being the...um, ape of virtue that he is, Kong manages to break free and does the titular action that you expect. A long and epic battle between Kong and Mechani-Kong ensues. This goes back and forth, somewhere in the middle introducing another monster named Gorosaurus as well. This is a Toho film, so don't bother looking for a real logical reason for that. Just go with it. Love and the real, giant ape prevail in the end.

*

I apologize for being so brief here. The plot is just so silly that is almost best to let you take it all in. Besides, I'm feeling lazy. I really enjoyed this film though, even more so than King Kong vs. Godzilla. Toho's love for the swinging and fun film is evident here, as it will be in tomorrow's review. It is definitely more fun than the 1970s and 80s Kong films. Unless a three second blur of Linda Hamilton's breasts is enough to sell a movie for you, avoid both of them. This is a keeper though- a silly one, mind you. You can always do worse.

*

If you liked this review, then you will love the next one. Get em, Joker! Stay tuned...

Classic Crap: Jesse James Meets Frankenstein's Daughter

This is just painful. I don't what else to say. Okay, that's a lie. I have a whole thing planned on the film, but I thought this would sound better. I should just be honest with you guys. Let's just jump to my review of...

Jesse James Meets Frankenstein's Daughter

To begin with, the title is sort of a lie. The lady villain is actually the grand-daughter of the famous scientist. When they cannot nail down the title without problems, what hope is there for the rest of it? Find out.

*

The film begins with the title villain and her old henchman working on an experiment. They are attempting to put a random guy's brain in a corpse. This consists of putting a ridiculous bike helmet on the guy and having sparks fly off of a bunch of machines. It fails...just like her attempt at maintaining an accent. This only gets worse.

*

We cut to Jesse James serving as a sort of Don King figure to his big, burly pal. He manages the guy (played by a guy named Cal Bolder) to a victory in the classic game of shirtless boxing in the middle of the street. Tired of the small money, he arranges a stage coach robbery. Unfortunately, this coach pattern is as ill-conceived as the plot. They have a fake coach that fires a shot in the air when the coast is clear. What if there was a robbery and shots were fired? Shockingly, this stupid plain fails, but not before Cal is shot.

*

Jesse and his big henchman ride away, seeking medical help and escape from the law. Despite a long journey, Cal seems just fine in, spite of a bullet to the gut. This is still not the most illogical part of the film though. The film cuts away to a poor Spanish family that is living in a village that is pretty empty. In fact, they appear to be the only one. Maybe it has something to do with the close proximity to a science lab. They leave, but the young lady heads back when she meets Jesse and his pal. Why? Wait and see.

*

When she sees Cal's injury, she says that she knows a person who can help: Frankenstein's grand-daughter. Wait, what? She just fled the town and now goes back there! There is lazy writing and then there is this. So Cal is getting taken care of while Jesse attempts to romance the young woman. The age difference appears to be on par with Entrapment. So yeah, you know what is going to happen. Cal gets turned into the monster and kills the lackey when he has a change of heart. The girl tries to save the day when the monster turns on Jesse. She actually proves more useful than our hero, actually managing to kill the villain. Jesse rides off, apparently deciding to leave her alone in a village. The End.

*

I barely survived this piece of crap. I did not even cover a lot of it, such as the random sub-plots involving a sheriff, the double-romantic entanglement plot and the side-plottings of the scientist's assistant. On top of that, the film is famous for its day-as-night shots, wherein a covering is put on the camera to simulate nighttime in mid-afternoon. One thing saves this movie: Joe Bob Briggs. As an underrated comedian, he makes the movie bearable and actually is legitimately informed. He has only done a handful of DVD commentary tracks, including his great one on Samurai Cop. Don't even try to watch the film without him!

*

Let's take a trip over to Japan and see what America's favorite ape did. Stay tuned...

Boll-shit: In the Name of the King: A Dungeon Siege Tale

I managed to put off Uwe Boll films for so long. I know of his reputation and have no problem joining the firing squad against him. Quite frankly, simply seeing five minutes of Bloodrayne was enough for me. Even casting Dave Foley in Postal (Future note: If only I had listened) could not fool me. So, why the hell did I break my vow for...

This just sounds bad right off of the bat, doesn't it? You just want to toss in the pile of stupid fantasy movies like Hawk the Slayer and Barbarian Queen 2. You're not too far off.

*

The movie quickly introduces our to our protagonist: Farmer. He's a...well, farmer. I fear for the depth of this movie's screenplay immediately. His best friend and fellow farmer is Hellboy...I mean, Ron Perlman. His wife is Claire Forlani, evidently taking time away from pretending to be in love with Gary Sinise. She also has a kid, who is a bit too old to have really come out of her, to be honest. Let's not even get into her being attracted to a poor, Jason Statham.

There is trouble in the state of Denmark...or rather, whatever this fake country is called. The King (played by the Bandit) has no male heir save for his doofus nephew (Shaggy). His best friend and Arch-Mage (Maximilian Arturo) has a daughter (Joan D'Arc) who wants to fight, but he won't let her. Oh and a fellow wizard plans to take over the kingdom. Let's focus on the girl's drama though, movie.

Not too long after this, a group of Orcs...I mean, Krugs attack Farmer's village. He has to fight off a group of them at his farm before he can help anyone else. Naturally, he is a master with the sword and knows kung-fu. Reality is not important, huh? He kills a bunch of them, but seemingly fails to save his wife and son. They mix in footage of the evil wizard controlling some Krugs while in what appears to be The Phantom Zone. He even ends up being the one who does the deed on Farmer's kid.

Alot of boring and random crap happens. Farmer survives being hung to death and kills a Krug controlled by the wizard for 100th time. The King tries to raise his army for battle, but is poisoned by his nephew. Random black guard leads the forces alongside the King, despite his earlier wounding. Plus, Farmer, Hellboy and random other guy run into Peter Pan in the forest. Oh wait, it's actually Kristanna Lokken as an Elf who does nothing but swing around in the trees. Plus, the Elves number about five and are all women. How does that work?

Sparing you a lot of stuff, the King dies after a big battle in the woods and explains that his long-lost heir is actually Farmer. Yeah, they look so much alike. The Magus' daughter joins the army for the final battle, while Hellboy is killed in the prison for trying to save Farmer's wife. His sacrifice was noble...and completely useless. Good job. The Magus dies as well in a crappy CG-swordfight with Liotta and gives all his power to his daughter, despite her screwing his enemy for months (don't ask). Farmer swings across a giant freaking ravine and sneaks in to battle the wizard. After a long, stupid battle, the enemy falls...when Farmer's wife stabs him. My hero!

This movie is pretty damn bad. It is so utterly generic in many ways and just full of bad acting. Matthew Lillard proves that his best acting job thus far has been in Thirt13n Ghosts.  Even next to Liotta's hammy performance, he looks like a freaking hack!  Wow- just wow.  The good actors (Davies, Reynolds) do not do much other than deliver bad dialogue with a straight face.  All things considered, it makes them look like Olivier!  From what I am told, this is still better than Postal though.  I like to set the bar a little higher, thank you.

Up next is a nearly-forgotten movie that should have stayed that way.  I never learn- ever.  Stay tuned...