Craven Less: The Hills Have Eyes (2006)

 Is High Tension the accidentally worst thing to happen to Horror in the '00s?  It re-popularized the 'How does this work?!?' twist and also gave us this Film.

This is 2006's Remake of Wes Craven's The Hills Have Eyes.  In this case, if you didn't know, it was Directed by Alexandre Aja.  Just so you don't think that I'm 'a hater,' I will remind you that I still like and own the Piranha Remake (just not the Sequel).

One of the changes made here was to move the location from California to New Mexico, in order to try to connect it to real life nuclear testing done there.
Sidenote: were it not for the Hurricane, my Parents would have been on vacation in New Mexico when I watched this...so thank you, Storm?

The Plot is mostly the same- mutants attack innocent people.
Can this be elevated with 3 Decades to think of something interesting to add?

To find out, read on...

Even though this is a Theatrical Film, we still get the Syfy Opening Kill Cliche in full effect.

Random guys checking water in the area are killed by Mutants.

You won't see them again for a good 45 minutes....so enjoy this fun size appearance.

After Credits which hammer in the Nuclear Testing = Mutation Theme in with the subtlety of Thor working for Habitat for Humanity, we meet the grizzled guy who runs the only Gas Station for miles.

He wanders around when he hears a noise, which mostly just introduces us to the Location.

He says 'he can't do it anymore.'

(In spite of all this Character Build-Up, they didn't do a Prequel about him).

Things change when a family drives up.

It is an older Couple (with Ted Levine as the Dad), their two Daughters, their younger Son and the Husband of the one Daughter.

After building medium tension, the Wife accidentally sees proof of a previous victim (a purse that half the Cast will stumble across by the end).

As such, he immediately breaks his vow and guides them to side road to be killed.

They set a spike trap- which they then hide, because reasons- and the car is totaled.

This leads to more wandering around and more views of the Moroccan...I mean, New Mexico Desert.

Time for padding.

The Dad goes back to the Station, which ends poorly for him and the Owner.

The Husband goes the other way and finds the bombed out Town where Act 3 takes place in.

The Son follows the one dog, which he finds dead.  He slips and falls several feet to the stone floor, but he's fine.

This also gives us the 'nice' Mutant, which is the only real addition to the Mutant Family here that matters.

Dad is caught by Billy Drago (who is wasted in this) and burned on a tree.

This is to draw the others way...and I just realized that the key Action Scene takes place at night.
Way to miss the point of the original!

This leads to objectively the worst part of the Film as everything bad happens to the Female Cast.

The Daughter is, let's just say, not consensually greeted, the Wife is shot in the head and Mom is shot in the chest.

SPOILER ALERT- this Film does not pass the Bechdel Test.

In the aftermath, the survivors need to rescue the baby, which was stolen.

The Husband (Aaron Stanford) has to become a Hero now, despite all of the talk he got for 'not liking guns' and 'being a Democrat.'

Somehow, this guy manages to escape a death trap, elude Mutants AND then kill 2 of them.

Back at the RV, Drago shows up and they trick him into a trap.  They blow up the RV with him there, although he doesn't quite stay dead....somehow.

Stanford manages to fend off one last Mutant and return with the baby...although they are out in the middle of the desert with no help and no way to drive out, so....happy ending?

A Film that really leans into what it wants to be.  If that is your kind of Film, you'll like it.

As for me, it had its moments, but couldn't hold me.

The Pacing is weird, with the Mutants popping up as a tease and then not doing much for half of the Film.  The variety of them was nice and the effects look great.

On a technical level, the Film works quite well.

The Tone is what got me, I guess.  The one Scene- where they kill of 2/3 of the Female Cast and sideline the other- was a tipping point for me.

The Film, as I said, leans into what it wants to be.  In this case, it is cruel.

That can work, if things are evened out or 'paid back.'  
In this case, the surviving lady needs help to take out one guy, while her Sister's Husband does everything.  Some agency.

That said, i wasn't expecting a Feminist Masterpiece.  Don't think that I'm judging it solely on that- it is just how I feel.

I already bought the Sequel- also Unrated- so I'll still give that a shot.  Hopefully we'll see Greg Nicotero again in all his...glory.

Next up, the Sequel- duh.  Will it be less accidentally funny than the last time they did this?  Stay tuned...

Tubi Thursday: The Boneyard (1991)

 Thanks to Helene, you get more content!

This is 1991's The Boneyard, a Film I legit hadn't heard of before.
Yes, I never heard of it.

Let's see how it is...

The Plot is pretty bonkers and kind of takes a while to go anywhere.

I'll speed run this...

A retired Psychic is brought in by two Cops (one old and one young) to investigate when a Japanese Man has 3 children's bodies in his Yard.

They go to see them in the Morgue...run by her?

She gets a lock of hair from each and sees strange visions.

She finally realizes that the children- yes, the dead ones- are the danger.

She goes to help...a bit too late for some.

The Children are some sort of beings cursed to un-life.  

To be more accurate, one was and it affected the other two.

She seeks shelter with the survivors- including a woman who was mistaken for a corpse and woke up on the slab- and needs a way out.

Said creatures are nice and freaky.

This is what happens when a Special FX/Make-Up guy Directs a Film.

See Harbinger Down or Meet the Hollowheads.

During an attack, the Morgue Owner- Diller- comes down and is bitten/cursed by one of them.

After lots of 'can we get out of here?' and 'is she alright,' she goes full Judge Doom.

Or, if you prefer more of a Deep Cut, she transforms like Sandra in Inhumanoids.

She's not the last threat, however, as the Film picks way up in the last 20 minutes.

The dog is also transformed and now I kind of love this Film.

To find out how it goes, stream the Film now.

A Film that is all kind of crazy...when it can be bothered to get going.

Simply put, the Film is a slow starter.  This certainly isn't helped by the Free with Ads Model of Tubi- to be fair- which makes you wait even longer.

It has a weird premise as well and it is never really explained.

That said, I still hold fond (if awkward) memories of that Film I watched a Decade ago about the fetus who mutated into a Monster via toxic waste, so I am 100% the demo for this.

Granted- I was 8 when this came out, so I'm really the demo NOW and not then.

It is all kinds of bonkers when things get going, so I can't fault it for that.

Sadly, the Director- who IMDB claims was also a Sous Chef on Iron Chef (!!!!)- died in 2010, so we can't get him involved in any update/new version of this.

Make this happen, even- sadly- without Phyllis.

A totally out there Film that is both a Horror Comedy...and not.  For better or worse, it is unique!

Tubi Whatever-day: Ready or Not (2019)

I watched the Film.
I got my Screen Caps.
The power went out.

Let's play catch-up a day before the next proper Tubi Day if you are...

A young Couple is getting married today.

The Husband-to-be is nervous, but not for the reason she thinks.

After the Ceremony, they must take part in a family tradition- Game Night.

The new Family Member draws a card from a 'magic' deck and they play the game.

She got Hide & Seek.

She has no idea that anything bad is going to happen, so she just wanders around the Estate- the Wedding and after-Ceremony all take place at the House- and hides for a bit.

Meanwhile, the Family has to hunt her down and kill her!

It all relates to a deal that was made 3 Generations back to stay rich.

She realizes that they want to/have to kill her.

Can she stay alive?
Can she take down the kin?

To find out, stream it now...

So... technically it is not on Tubi anymore.  It was last Thursday.

Whoops.

Anyhow, this Film is really good.  It has a nice balance of Comedy, Drama and Horror.  It just works.

The Actors- notably Samara Weaving and Andie McDowell- feel very real.  You believe that they are real people in a crazy situation.

The Plot is a slow burn, which sort of adds to the realism.  It builds and builds nicely, not going right to gonzo stuff.  It definitely gets close to that by the end though.

I recall someone I worked with casually SPOILing the Ending (which I won't do) and him being annoyed.  I liked it, but it's all good.

Ready or Not is not an amazing Film, but I still quite liked it.  See it for Weaving, for sure.

As far as Movies about how weird the rich people are, this is still nothing compared to Society.

A good Film that builds nicely to a crazy climax.  That said, it is a slow burn, so it won't appease certain Horror Fans.

Book Review: Hawkins Horrors (2022)

 I spent a dollar last year to buy this Book.  I just needed to save it for the right Season.

Stranger Things, as I'm sure you know, is a very big franchise.
With a new and final Season in production, why not look at some, well, Expanded Universe Stories.

EU- it's not just for Star Wars anymore!

2022's Hawkins Horrors is a Collection of Horror Short Stories told by the Characters from the Show.
Oh, and I'm reviewing a Book, so Screen Caps are suggestive, but not from it.

Let's check it out...

Our Heroes are going to hang out at the local Video Store for a Midnight Movie Party.

The problem- the power goes out!

To keep things going, they begin to tell scary stories (in the dark).

'Are You Afraid of the Dark'

In 'A Little Voice,' a young woman working at the local Sanitarium falls for a young patient.

When death happens though, she finds that the voices aren't always in your head!

In 'Do or 20-Sided Die,' Dustin tells the tale of how he got a special D-20 for his D&D playing.

However, it comes with a curse!

*****

In 'Lovers' Lake,' Robin and Steve tell the tale of some young people going to the Lake to hang out.

They find real horror lurking below the water and need to get away.

'Creepshow 2'

In 'Girls Just Want to Have Fun,' Sam shares the Story of how she tried to join up with some Goth Girls.

Their trip to the Forest, however, unearths a hidden danger!

*****

In 'Don't Be a Pest,' Erica tells the tale of a young man who is suspicious of his new Stepdad.

Is his suspicious job for real or is he hiding something?!?

'The Stepfather'

In 'Two Lunches,' Lucas tells the story of an older Brother who has to keep on eye on his sibling.

He wanders off, however, as a danger lurks in town.
Is he safe?

*****

In 'Talk Back,' Mike shares the tale of a young man is still sad about the death of his younger Sister, even a year later.

Her old Talk and Sing Toy (legally distinct from a real toy) does more than it is supposed to.
Can he trust it?

A quick little wrap-up (which is rare in Anthology Films) and we're done.

An enjoyable collection of Stories.  I'm guessing that I'm older than the Demo for this Book.

That said, so much of the Show is built on '80s Nostalgia, so maybe I'm closer than I think.

Content wise, it is a mixed bag.

I liked most of the Stories, but I don't know how many that I loved.

For instance, 'Lovers' Lake' is a fun one, but the reference is hard to miss.

'Talk Back' as well feels like a proper Creepypasta tale that even I have read.

For fans of the Show, this isn't key canon, but it does make for a fun read in this Season.  

It's not a big investment and it can tide you over while you wait.

A nice bit of PG-13 Horror that is a nice appetizer for Season 5.  It's not groundbreaking, but it is worth a read.