Tubi Thursday: Crackerjack (1994)

 As Thursday is here, I might as well cover the first part in a 1990s Trilogy on par with Jurassic Park or Tiger Claws.

Let's begin with...

A Police Detective (The Karate Kid III's Thomas Ian Griffith) is erratic and dangerous (to criminals).

As such, he's gone from being Jack to 'Crackerjack.'
Rolls Credits.

In a three minute span, he's surprised at home by family and friends, punches his brother and is then handed his Baby Nephew by his Sister-in-Law.  Good parenting.

She 'makes' him go on Vacation with them to an Ice Resort (that hopefully won't get melted by satellite-based lasers).

He's really unhappy...until he meets the Event Guide- Natassja Kinski- and then he tries to enjoy the time there.

Luckily for him, it's 1994, so he doesn't have to get her Dad's approval to date her.  Would you have wanted ask Klaus that?!?

His fun time is ruined by some bad guys- confusingly, the Film introduces the Villain and then introduces some other guys who seem like villains, but are later made out to be the targets- who take over the Resort.

Yep, it's a Die Hard, But... Film.

They slightly-subvert things at various points and give the Villain some different motivations...which are silly.

Basically, the lead guy is Cliché Evil German...played by Christopher Plummer.

He wants some diamonds from his old Boss- Cliché Italian Mobster- to fund his new army.
Also he killed Jack's wife and kids (while working for said Mobster).

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Of course, he's stopped and the day is saved.

A really good and enjoyable Film...is Die Hard.  This is pretty meh.

They try to do a few things throughout the Film that play with the formula- like multiple meetings between Hero and Villain- but not all of them work.  For instance, what are the odds that the guy who killed his Family in Chicago a year ago would end up at the same Resort as him?  1,000,0004 to one, no?

It's kind of funny too, if you consider that they felt the need to give the COP an extra motivation to stop the guy who was killing people.  Griffith is really cut-and-past here.  He's not bad, but he has NOTHING to work with.  He also can't quip as good as John McClane.

Plummer- in a role that starts out small and grows by the end- is all sorts of weird.  He's the main attraction here- no question.  His Villain is at times sedate and other times insanely-rambling about forming a New World Order (of Wrestling) by selling some diamonds.  How'd you hire these guys?

Crackerjack has a few surprises- like our Hero actually NOT killing the Villain directly- but otherwise is another would-be Die Hard.  Maybe if it had some sort of hook like, say, a Russian Super-Soldier.  Would Plummer be in a Film with that?

Next time, let's do Part 2.  We get a new Villain and a different Die Hard, But...Scenario, don't we?  See you then...

Poor Bastards of Cinema: The Leprechaun's Game (2020)

 A bad Holiday Film can at least give me content than just a Review.

This recent one- my St. Patrick's Day Review- does just that.

To review, some folks are hired by a strange, rich man to find a Leprechaun's Pot of Gold.
They decide to keep it for themselves...and the titular guy is pissed!

Before that happens, however, we get some setup for pathos as one of them has a sick girlfriend (I think- I honestly don't recall if they are married or not).

After they get the gold, we see that one of them has a girlfriend.

A different person, to be clear.

We meet her, the couple celebrates with off-camera sex and then splits up for post-coitus cleaning.

While the guy is in the Shower, the Leprechaun shows and blows powder into the woman's face.

Unlike the powder in Pro-Wrestling, this doesn't blind you temporarily- it messes your face up real bad!

Well, we just met her and she meets a bloody death for no reason.

Got one more in you, Film?

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The sick Spouse questions where she got the money from, since every character here has 'insert crime past here' as their Backstory.

She's convinced that things are fine.

While she's gone in the next Scene, the Leprechaun shows up and goes after the sick lady.

Using his vaguely-defined powers, he makes her bend like that girl in the (boring and pretentious) Remake of Suspiria.

…and she dies.

One of them has no backstory and dies in their second (arguably first) Scene.

The second gets some setup...but is still just there to die- just more tragically.

Most importantly, neither took the gold, nor did they even touch it.

There could have been a twisted moral lesson here if it spared them and killed the thieves...but no.
Poor Bastards it is then!

Next time, another Film via Tubi that gave me some gratuitous death.  Can I get 2 Updates out of it?  See you then...

New Streaming: Moon Knight- Episode 4

 As another Episode is upon us, let's look back to see how we got there.

This is...

After some big events in the last Episode, our 2 Heroes are at the Tomb they seek.

With Steven in control, are they going to be more aided by his knowledge than hindered by his inexperience?

They find some treasures, some freaky monsters and lots of death inside.

Thankfully, this is already better than the Film called The Pyramid.
By far.

With Harrow and other dangers inside, can they even survive if they manage to find what they are looking for?

What chance do they have when they can't *summon the suit* this time?

To find out, stream the Episode.

Another strong Episode, giving us a both claustrophobic and open experience.  The Set(s) used for the Tomb are really well-made.  You manage to feel like you are deep down inside with them...but also don't feel like you're going to bump your head.

Make sense?

The dangers inside are varied (and thankfully not just hairless cats like that Movie I referenced earlier) and freaky.  Harrow himself is a more subtle, but ominous threat throughout.

Towards the end, of course, it gets pretty weird and goes in a direction that I'm not sure that anyone predicted.  No SPOILERS as to how, of course.

Like most of you, I'm curious to see where this goes and happy to see someone else with a love for VHS.

Next time, we see what lies beyond the Tomb.  Can they defeat Harrow and save the World?  See you then...

New Streaming: Moon Knight- Episode 3

 A bit off-schedule this week due to work and pre-set Scheduling, but we're back for more...

With Marc in control, MK is in Egypt trying to find the Tomb.

Naturally, he runs into Layla again and they must work together.

Things aren't made easy when the sources of information either get killed- by a possible 3rd Personality- or let themselves die to hide the information.

I still enjoy that blackout bit to cut around Fight Scenes when it is used this sparingly.

The duo- naturally- run into trouble, leading to another 'summon the suit' moment and fight.

I'm still impartial to the original design, but Mummy Moon Knight is growing on me.

Things get pretty damn weird by the end, so I'll just say this...

It gives 'reach for the stars' a whole new meaning.

To get context, watch the Episode.

Another strong Episode- what a shock.  The Show continues to be good, so I hope this isn't boring to talk about.

The Egyptian Setting is a nice change of pace for these kinds of Shows.  It feels very authentic, which I know is something that they were going for.  I read the critique of WW 1984 by someone on this Show, yes. 

They continue to build the Mythology here nicely as well, going more into the Avatars and their purpose.  I think we need more context as to why they aren't exactly super-helpful in the long run though.  Is it just direct corruption?

Regardless, this one has it all.  As a bonus, it features the Lead from Hannibal Rising (who tragically died recently), so now Marvel can complete the set of Actors that Played 'Hannibal Lecter.'

Next up, do things get easier when they get in the Tomb?  Don't answer that- we know the answer.  See you then...

'90s Class?: The 13th Warrior

 Before you see The Northman, see...um, the Eastman?  This is The 13th Warrior, the 1999 Film that adapts Michael Crichton's book (which is not called this).  It involves Vikings, so me randomly-deciding to watch/review it this week works out.  Thanks, Odin!

The Plot involves an Arab Man...played by Antonio Banderas who ends up with some Northmen as an Ambassador for his King.  He's dragged into a mission with them, in spite of him not being a Warrior.  The Plot is a mix of a real tale- well, 'real' in that someone told it, not 'real' as in it likely having happened- and Beowulf.  Why not?

The Film cost alot of money (it cost $150 million plus), got delayed for 2 years and ended up losing alot of money (around $125 million).  It's also ended up being the second-to-last Film (so far) from Director John McTiernan (the guy who made Die Hard and Predator).  It's also the last Film (for sure) that was Directed (for Reshoots) by Michael Crichton (who died in 2008).  

Was it good though?  Let's find out...

Ibn (Banderas) tells us via Flashback Narration (double clichés!) that he made eyes at the King's woman and was made an 'Ambassador' to a far-off land full of Vikings.

If you want to know who wasn't a fan of this Film, it was Omar Sharif, who quit Acting for 3 years after this.

At a big Gathering (the old King has died and a new one is chosen), a kid from a neighboring Tribe says that they were overrun by savages.  A Soothsayer says that they can succeed if '13 Warriors go...and that one of them must not be a Viking.'

It was you or Shariff, buddy.  You're the fake Arab, so you go! 

He bonds with the Vikings by learning their language in record time by the power of observation.

That's...sure, why not?

The group- which includes a kid...until the next Scene- arrive at the Village and learn what happened.

That night, they are attacked by the Berserkers and two of them die.  So I guess you're down to 10 now.

They prepare the Village for a major attack the next night, which of course is preceded by a last minute rescue of a Villager by Banderas.

The Berserkers are just as deadly- killing 3 more Warriors- but not as careful.

Now they know that they are just men who act like Bears (but also ride horses and use weapons).

Realizing that they can't withstand many attacks like this, they take the advice of another Soothsayer and take the fight to them.

They find the Cave they live in and try to take out the Leader.

I guess she was an old woman originally (like in the Book), but they replaced her with this would-be Enchantress in Reshoots.

She's killed, but poisons the lead Viking.

Sadly, this does not break their ranks and they go in for one last attack.

The upset Warriors- down another person or two- get rallied by their King and fight on!

The win the day, but the King falls dead from the poison.

Ibn returns home as a Hero, promising to tell their tale in Writing.  This ignores the fact that Vikings had written language for the last 1,000 years, but whatever.  The End.

A good, ambitious Film that definitely tried to do alot.  Does it always succeed?  No.  Does it often fail?  No.

The worst complaint you can make is that the Film is sometimes shallow Set Pieces.  It often tries to be more- by giving a few Characters an Arc, for instance- but it doesn't always work.  When some guys randomly die trying to save people, for instance, it feels kind of abrupt and not some big, earned moment.

The bulk of the Film succeeds at being a realistic-looking tale of the time, which is good.  It's nice to see these Films that went way over-budget actually LOOK like they spent some money.  The Casting of Banderas, of course, is...just a thing that you'd expect from '90s Hollywood.

The 13th Warrior is a good Film for fans of Period Action Films, Vikings and this kind of stuff.  It's no Lord of the Rings or anything, but it is good.  One sin- relegating Sven Ole-Thorson to a Cameo Role...

Next time, let's go back to the '70s for some classy Drama.  When a Superman and a Batman Actor face off, sparks will fly.  Stay tuned...

Tubi Thursday: Encounter with the Unknown (1973)

 A Film that, ironically, is quite unknown.  I guess I just had my own...

To begin with, the whole 'Narrated by Rod Serling' Credit is only half-true.

He's one of TWO Narrators, the former of whom does the Intro and Outro to the Film that, I guess, Serling wouldn't do.  

He also goes a bit off of the Script used for the Text Crawl, as he just skips right over a part implying a connection between the (apparently fictional- like Dr. Hellstrom) Dr. Rankin and his own experiments.

So now we get 3 random Stories that somehow relate due to these people being buried in the same Cemetery (or something).

In the first Story, a Funeral for a young man is broken up by...

Voodoo Karen!

She puts a curse on three young men at the event, whom she blames for her Son's death.

This gives us the first issue of the Film- Storytelling.

We see one of the young men on a Plane, which turns out to be 14 days later.  He tells the Story of why the lady is mad at them (they pulled a prank that really inadvertently killed him) to a Priest.

In that Story, he casually mentions how one of his friends died a week ago.  He's taking it well!

He's killed in an off-screen plane crash (of a plane that never left the Airport) and we end with the third guy going Skydiving...on the 21st Day.

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In the 2nd tale, we get a drawn-out Story from the early 20th Century.  

It involves a kid, a missing dog and a mysterious hole that appears overnight.

Whatever the mystery of the hole is, it is- shockingly- unknown as the Father of the boy was apparently driven mad by it.

I guess he also knocked his own picture off of the wall before that- with psychic energy- in a claim that even John Newland would doubt.

The final tale *claims* to be the original Version of an oft-told tale (which I once saw a version of on Amish Haunting).  This one is special...as the first, I guess?

A Couple finds a woman on a bridge and she asks to go home.

During the trip, we see a series of flashbacks showing how she was dating a poor guy in 1929 and her Dad said he'd 'rather see her dead than marry him.'

The Couple bring her home...but she vanishes.

Yep, she was a Ghost this whole time.  Anyone not figure that out literally right away?

You think it's over...but it's not!  Nope, this Film thinks that you are dumb, so...

First, we get like 5 minutes of the doomed Couple being happy.  Do you get that it was sad?

Next our original Narrator returns to recap EVERY STORY and explain the 'questions' you should ask.

Now it's done...finally.

-------

Some things are best left unknown, I think.  It's not truly terrible, but damn is it stretched out!

This was apparently a TV Movie, so I guess they had to fill 2 hours (with Commercials).  Too bad they didn't do it in an interesting way.  

Instead, we get the drawn-out Ending, a pointless beginning and the tendency of people in every Story to repeat themselves.  For instance, the kid tells the Priest his Story.  Later, the Priest talks to another Priest...and recaps the Story again!  We remember what happened 10 minutes ago, Movie!

The Stories are alright.  The first one has an odd structure- told half in flashback and then ending without resolution- and features some gloriously-silly overacting from Voodoo Karen.  The second one has some good atmosphere...but that's it.  The final Tale is so obvious from the get-go and is chock full of melodrama.

Unless you're someone like me who feels legally-obligated to see every Anthology Film ever made, you can skip this.  Just think of Rod Serling as the guy behind The Twilight Zone and Night Gallery, as opposed to this...

In hindsight, who expected a low-budget Film retelling Urban Legends to be good.  Bonus- it was made entirely in Arkansas.

New Streaming: Creepshow- 'Familiar'

 Another week and another look at some freaky stuff from Shudder.  Why does this feel so...

A man and his girlfriend are happy and content.

What could go wrong, he asks them knowingly?

They go to a Psychic who gives her generic advice.

As for the guy, he's given a note- it warns him that 'something evil is following him!'

As it turns out, there's a Familiar following him!  It's not pretty.

It wants to bond to him...and replace him.

Can he find a way to stop it?

To find out, stream the Segment.

Another fun, freaky Segment.  It builds up nice and slowly, which is good.

When you finally see the thing, it sure is freaky!  I wouldn't want that thing in 20 miles of me!  Thank you, Practical Effects.

In classic Creepshow fashion, it builds up to a freaky twist (or two).  Naturally.  Familiar sure is going to feel, well, familiar in a good way.  

It's well-acted, freaky and sure to make you feel like this...

Next time, the danger of Art Collecting is exposed.  That's why I collect Funko Pops- they won't kill me...yet.

'80s Class?: Millennium (1989)

 A longtime Genre Director brings a glimpse of the distant future...and the recent past.  This is Millennium, the 1989 Film by Michael Anderson.  His Credits are pretty lengthy and it's kind of a shame that he never became a household name in the U.S.

Around the World in 80 Days.  1984.  The Dam Busters.  Logan's Run.  The Martian Chronicles.

About 10 years before he retired (with, of all things, a Sequel to a Live-Action Pinnochio), he made this Film about Time Travel, a Government Agent, Robots and Love.  It's pretty weird.

With Cheryl Ladd and Kris Kristofferson to ground things, will this make sense?  Is this a good reminder of what the late Mr. Anderson (who died in 2018) could do?  Let's find out...

The Film begins with a plane crash, but right before that the Co-Pilot says something strange...

'Everyone is dead and the bodies are burned.'

If they hadn't crashed yet, how did that happen?!?

A man- Kristofferson- is called in to investigate the crash.  Allegedly they did such a good job making the crash site look real that someone reported it!

He doesn't find anything major, save for the recording and a bunch of digital watches that are now running backwards.

While there, he meets and falls for a strange woman- Ladd- who hooks up with him.  She tries to get him not to go back to the site, which he ignores.

When he returns a moment later to apologize, she's vanished.

That night, he finds a strange device and it zaps him!

While he's barely awake, he sees some strange people and one of them...is Ladd (but with A Flock of Seagulls hair).  They disappear into a portal as he calls out her name.

We learn that she's from the year 2989 (hence the Title) and her people are dying from, well, everything.  This is the kind of Film that writes in a reason for people to smoke via sci-fi silliness.

Her people take people from the past about to die in plane crashes/explosions to repopulate the future.

In 1963, one of them is killed and a device is left in the wreckage.

Ladd realizes eventually that the reason Kristofferson knows her name is because she later goes back to try and stop him from investigating the site.

The version we saw with the portal- that one is from earlier in HER timeline.

Now we see their courtship (which they thankfully glossed over earlier) and her attempts to stop him.

Things don't work out, as we know, and he pushes himself past the brink of logic (to those around him) to solve the mystery.

If that happens, he's fired and the Timeline is changed.

She reveals herself to him and a Scientist we've seen throughout the Film.  

You see, HE had the 1963 piece (basically a Phaser).
Bonus coincidence points- Kristofferson was the lone survivor of the same incident (left behind to sell the story).

The Scientist assembles the device and accidentally (I think) kills himself, really messing up the timeline (since he was key to inventing Time Travel).

Kris and Cheryll go back to her future as things are collapsing.  Does it take time for, well, time to unravel?

They send everyone who's still living into the far future, since that's alright...I guess.  Don't ask me.

The duo are last seen in the glowing future and Ladd is with child, so...happy ending?

A weird, but good Film.  It's certainly an odd Plot, no?  People from the future kidnapping people who are about to die to repopulate the World...and they are the good guys?

It sounds like some strange Plot for a Hero to uncover and stop, but...nope.  It's a good thing.  Sure.

As strange as it might sound, the Film works because it feels real.  Yes, it does lose you a bit when you get to robots and people with their skin stretched out like a tarp.  I'll grant you that.  They just happen to commit so much to the concept that you just kind of accept.

While not a novel concept, the whole 'Plot is in the wrong order for the Time Traveler' idea is well-handled here.  It's a good enough twist to accept.  The fact that so many things have to align for Kristofferson to be so important (but also not really) is pretty silly.  Him and Ladd just feel real enough for you to accept the insanity.

Millennium is a bit of a forgotten gem, even if it is, as I've said, a bit silly.  No sillier than, for instance, Kids in the Hall though.

Next up, a forgotten Film from a very successful Author.  Everyone knows that he wrote about Dinosaurs and Robots, but what about something different?  Stay tuned..